Drink Jokes
164 drink jokes and hilarious drink puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drink that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Check out this collection of hilarious jokes related to energy drinks, soft drinks, Milo drinks, and more! Get ready to sip on these draughty jokes, and don’t forget to check for the non-alcoholic version.
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Funniest Drink Short Jokes
Short drink jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The drink humour may include short wine jokes also.
- Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes. But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.
- My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
- I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
- A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks. "We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
- Man says to his boss Can we talk? I have a problem. Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!
Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity. - I am giving up drinking for a month Sorry that came out wrong
I am giving up. Drinking for a month - When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
- Please becareful on the road Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive
- Betty White just turned 99 and she still doesn't need glasses. She drinks straight from the bottle.
- How to determine the gender of your cat ? pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
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Drink One Liners
Which drink one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with drink? I can suggest the ones about beer and coffee.
- What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea? A supreme liter
- Batman: *buys catwoman a drink* Catwoman: *slowly knocks it off of the table*
- Why doesn't michael jackson drink coffee? Because he prefers "Tea-hee!"
- Today I quit drinking for good now I only drink for evil
- An Apple fan walks into a bar.... Orders the same drink as yesterday, but pays more.
- Dad joke..... Dad: what are you drinking, son?
Son: Soy Milk
Dad: Hola Milk, soy padre - What's a comedians least favorite drink? Booze
- I was arrested for drinking battery acid. But I wasn't charged.
- I got hit on the head with a can of soda yesterday. Lucky it was a soft drink
- What state has the smallest soft drinks? Minisoda
- My friend threw a can of coke at my head today... Luckily it was a soft drink.
- Doctor: You don't look too good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol? Me: I drink it.
- H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4? Drinking.
- Two reasons I don't drink toilet water. No.1
No.2 - I drink twice a year.... When it's my birthday, and when it isn't
Alcoholic Drink Jokes
Here is a list of funny alcoholic drink jokes and even better alcoholic drink puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Alabama changed the drinking age to 34 They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
- TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
- An alcoholic wakes up in jail He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"
the officer replies "for drinking"
The man replies "great, when do we start?" - I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday Thank god I only drink every night
- I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink on days that start with letter T. Tuesday, Thursday and Today.
- I don't drink alcohol for religious reasons. I drink it for other reasons.
- My daughter asked why I drink so much beer I told her it's because I actually have a condition that's pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol.
- When I drink Alcohol, everybody says I'm an Alcoholic.. When I drink Fanta, nobody says I'm Fantastic.
- I drink alcohol without hesitation, but drugs, …drugs is where I draw the line.
- Why was the alcoholic mathematician arrested by the police? Drinking and deriving
Drink Alcohol Jokes
Here is a list of funny drink alcohol jokes and even better drink alcohol puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Remember alcohol and calculus dont mix So don't drink and derive
- I have read so many things about the impact of smoking and drinking alcohol I think I will quit reading soon.
- How does an alcoholic decide how much beer to drink? On a case-by-case basis.
- I'm not an alcoholic ... Alcoholic's need a drink, but I already have one
- My son said that he's proud of me overcoming alcoholism. I'll drink to that.
- Drinking alcohol is like calculus. You have to know your limits.
- Whats an alcoholic motorcycle's favorite drink? RUUUMrumrumrumrumrumrumRUMRUUUUMMMrumrumrum
- When the economy is good, people drink. When the economy is bad, people drink. The moral? Invest in alcohol
- Did you know that prostitutes at the Moulin Rouge used strong alcoholic drinks to bleach their hair? Absinthe makes the tart grow blonder.
- My wife suffers from a drinking problem. Oh is she an alcoholic?
No, I am, but she's the one who suffers.
Favorite Drink Jokes
Here is a list of funny favorite drink jokes and even better favorite drink puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"
Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."
Waiter: "I'm sorry?"
Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice." - What is an english teacher's favorite drink? Tequila Mockingbird
- Your favorite drink must be ginger ale..... cause you leave every girl in Canada Dry.
- What's an author's favorite drink? Tequila Mockingbird.
(Yes I know it's horrible :P) - What is a pornstars favorite drink? 7 up n cider
- What's a Maths student's favorite drink? Probably tea.
- What's a Karen's favorite drink? Whine
- What's the favorite drink of every British serial killer? Casual tea
- What's a crow's favorite drink? CAW-fee.
- What is a video game art designer's favorite soft drink? Sprite.
Drink Beer Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny drink beer day jokes and even better drink beer day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Every time I have a beer, my wife keeps nagging me and telling me I drink too much I mean come on, who needs to hear that nine times a day?
- A friend once asked me "You've never said no to a beer have you?!" So I told him
"By the time I start talking to my drinks I lose the ability to recall it the next day!" - Another So Oldie It's Moldy joke Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day. - What's the best beer for drinking on a sunny day? Natural Light.
- Have a drink My friend told me to get a beer as I looked like I had a rough day. I looked at him and said "With your face, you must be an alcoholic."
- My mathematical friend came over one day. They asked if I had any beer. I said no, but I have some root beer and square glasses to drink from.
- Give a man a fish He eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he takes your boat and drinks all of your beer!
- Drink green beer on St Patricks Day! It counts as a vegetable!
- Zero beers a day keeps the doctor away... unless you drink nine every night.
Energy Drink Jokes
Here is a list of funny energy drink jokes and even better energy drink puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A new energy drink called F5 just came out, It's super refreshing!
- I scored a date with an energy drink. Now I can say I went out with a Bang!
- Did you hear about the people who stole 357 energy drinks? I don't know how these people sleep at night.
- I found a combo of energy drinks that makes you feel like a fan girl All you have to do is Bang a couple Rockstars
- What happens when you drink 2 5-Hour Energies? Do you get double the energy for 5 hours or 10 hours of energy? You get a heart attack
- I bought a Monster energy drink for my wheelchair-ridden co-worker. It's a shame we don't sell Red Bull, because who needs legs when you could have wings?
- My wife was at an energy drinks shop. She phoned me and said, "Would you like a Monster?"
I said, "No, thanks. I've already married one." - What does an iPhone drink for energy? Apple juice.
- What is David Bowie's favourite energy drink? Redbull Redbull
- TIL that energy drinks are more effective... when you smoke them, and they're crack.
Drink Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about drink you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean brew jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make drink pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A m**... was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Me: What's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $3.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?
He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than neither will I."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be t**... and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
An older man walks into a bar...
...wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish and Muslim on a plane
A Muslim was sitting next to p**... on a plane.
p**... ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips!"
p**... handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My favourite lawyer joke
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Upon receiving his drink he mutters: 'all
lawyers are a**....'
A guy down the bar angrily yells: 'HEY!'
'Oh I'm sorry, are you a lawyer?' The man replies.
'No I'm an a**...!'
A Man Walks Into A Bar...
And orders 3 shots for himself. The bartender asks why 3 shots? The man says that he has two brothers overseas and that whenever they drink, they all drink for each other as well.
A few weeks later, the same man comes in again and orders 2 shots for himself. The bartender asks the man if something happened to one of his brothers. The man replies "Nah, I've just stopped drinking."
The new father
A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."
Two men sit down at a restaurant.
A waitress comes to their table and takes their drink order. When she returns a few minutes later with their beverages, she finds them both eating sandwiches out of paper bags. "Hey!" she says, "you can't eat your own food here!" So they trade sandwiches.
I put a roofie in my wife's drink last night. It was AWESOME.
I played PS4 for five hours straight without anyone asking me to do anything.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a m**... who likes to smoke, drink, swear and have s**... with strangers?
An oxymormon.
John Snow.
John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.
-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?
John laughs and continues with his drink.
-Why is this funny?
John responds,
-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sometimes I get the urge to run around n**..... But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.
9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda
that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan
My wife left me because she said I had a drinking problem
After she left I lost the urge to drink.
A guy walking into a bar
sees an old man fishing in a puddle off the sidewalk.
Poor Old fool, he thought. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he'd humor the old man and asked, So how many have you caught today?
The old man replied, You're the eighth.
Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future.
Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.
So Harambe walked into a bar
Bartender: What will you be having to drink?
Harambe: I'll have a beer
Me: No, he'll have just ice.
Bartender: Just ice?
Me: Yes, justice for Harambe
Election Day Drinking Game:
Every time Donald Trump is elected President, we all drink and just never stop.
So, I just tried a new drinking game.
I put in the Bee Movie, and every time they make a bee pun, I take a shot.
Unfortunately, I could only get buzzed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Gordon Ramsay walks into a bar...
... and asks for a glass of water with ice. Once his drink is served, he looks at the bartender and asks: "What did you use to make the ice cubes?"
Bartender: "Water."
Ramsay: "Fresh?"
Bartender: "No, frozen."
Ramsay: "Oh for f**...'s sake."
and asks for a drink.
A time traveller walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the man immediately downs them one after another. The bartender says " are you ok, I've never seen anyone drink like that." The man replied "if you had what I have you would drink like that too." The bartender asks "that's rough, what do you have?"
The man replies "about $.50".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
- Doctor, I want to live very old
- Do you drink?
- Never, only water.
- You smoke?
- Oh no, my body is a temple
- Do you have crazy nights out dancing while doing c**... and coming back home to have unprotected s**... with multiple partners?
- Never, I'm single and abstinent.
- I see. So could you explain me exactly why you want to live old?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister
It tastes the same but it's just not right.
A wife comes home late one night
She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
C and C++ walk into a bar...
After a few hours, C gets sloppy drunk and spills its drink all over C++. Outraged, C++ shouts, "good God C! Have you no class??"
I got so drunk last night
I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.
Horrible joke
So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.
The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...
The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"
The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why can communists only drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was out drinking with a friend and saw two old drunks across the bar. I said, that's totally going to be us in 10 years.
He said, that's a mirror, d**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are you not allowed to do calculus intoxicated?
It's i**... to drink and derive.
An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar.
"What'll it be?" The bartender asks.
"I'll have a beer," the etymologist says. "A word which comes from Latin *bibere*, meaning "to drink".
"I'll have an Americano," the entomologist says. "It was originally dyed with crushed beetles!"
The bartender gets them their drinks. "And for you, sir?" he asks the third man.
"I'm just wondering how I got here," the etiologist replies.
Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"
Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"
A flight attendant asks a man:
-Sir, do you want something to drink?
-What are my options?
-Yes and No
My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged
She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"
I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet
Yesterday I sinned with an 18year old girl.
Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.
The priest: Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.
Man: And that frees me from my sin?
Priest: No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.
Three priests gathered together for a drink .
During their get together ,the host ask the other two :
- How do you split your money with the Lord ?
"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest.
The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" .
"How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest.
I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar
and ordered a drink.
Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff, said the bartender.
Just call me Hoff, the actor replied.
Sure, the bartender said, no hassle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.
In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?
Nun : "Mother Superior told me."
Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"
Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."
Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."
Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."
The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of v**... but bring one of them in a tea cup.
The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your a**..., and c**... on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.
A man walks into a bar and it's empty – it's just him and the bartender.
He sits down and orders a drink.
After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, Pssst… I like your tie.
The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.
Pssst… that color looks nice on you.
He asks the bartender, Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?
The bartender rolls his eyes and says, No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts… they're complimentary.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk driver is being interrogated
Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..
Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that o**... to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective : well, I would have turned for the o**...
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.
Don't drink water while studying...
Why?
Because chemistry says that concentration decreases while adding water.
Note: My first attempt. Thanks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.
The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the h**... have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was drinking a margarita and the waitress screamed does anyone know CPR?
I yelled, I know the entire alphabet and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except o**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American spy comes into a Soviet bar
And orders a drink.
"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.
The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of v**... and drains it in one big gulp.
"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"
The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.
"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"
He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.
"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"
"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"
"There are no black Russians"
An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.
The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.
The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.
He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.
Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whiskey instead.
He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up.
By the time they left the bar. The father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home.
A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you've ever seen...
"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."
"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."
A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the rabbit What can I get you to drink .
The rabbit says I have no idea, I'm only here because of autocorrect .
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn't happy at all. How much have you had to drink? she asked sternly, staring at me. Nothing I slurred. Look at me! she shouted. It's either me or the pub, which one is it?
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, It's you. I can tell by the voice.
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A curious gentleman came over and asked what he was doing. "Fishing", the old man said simply. "Poor old fool", the gentleman thought, and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
He felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, so he asked the old man, "and how many have you caught?"
"You're the eighth", the old man answered.
A deer enters a bar...
A deer enters a bar and sits by the bartender. "Whatever's on tap, and keep them coming. I lost a patient today."
The bartender brings over a drink and says, "That's really rough. But I've never met a deer that's a medical practitioner. How did that happen?"
The deer replied, "Well I came from a impoverished part of the forest. It was difficult to get food, difficult to get water, and difficult to find shelter. Nothing came with ease, that's for sure."
"And a deer with no ease becomes a dr."
My wife is concerned at the amount of brake fluid I drink and thinks I may have a problem...
I told her "It's ok, I can stop whenever I want! "
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch...
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cop walks over to a bruised and beaten man outside of a pub.
He asks the man what happened and the man tells him this; "So I walk into the pub and sit down and as im waiting for my drink I overhear two large women talking with a strange accent. So I ask them 'Are you two ladies from Ireland?' One of them scoffs and tells me "it's Wales d**...." So I ask again 'are you two whales from Ireland?' And thats about all I can remember."
A drunk man walks into a bar
After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."
A Neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender for the price of a drink
The bartender responds: "For you, no charge"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a cowboy parks his horse at the saloon, ties him to the outside, kisses him on the a**..., and walks in to have a stiff drink.
The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. "Why'd ya kiss your horse on the a**... before coming in? You got s**... all over your lips!" The cowboy, cool as can be, takes a stiff drink before answering. "It's 'cuz I got chapped lips." The bartender was even more confused; "Horse manure helps with chapped lips?"
"Nah," says the cowboy. "But it keeps me from lickin' 'em"
My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me, do you smoke or drink coffee?
I told him I drink it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two.
One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
A man walks into a bar and says I'm here to drink my troubles away!
Well you've come to the right place. says the bartender, What'll it be?
The man replies One water please
Just a water??
Yeah, I have kidney stones.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Putin dies and goes to h**...
Putin dies and goes to h**..., but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.
So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:
-Is Crimea ours?
-Yes, it is.
-And the Donbas?
-Also ours.
-And Kyiv?
-We got that too.
Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:
-Thanks, how much do I owe you?
-5 euros.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Priest: Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to h**....
Alcoholic - Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor? Priest - He will also go to h**.... Alcoholic - Ok, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and put's out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store? Priest - She too will go to h**.... Alcoholic - In that case, I have no problem going to h**....
