Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Dressed Jokes and Friends
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
I was having s**... with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...
Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road
I'm going to leave and come back dressed as Santa with a sign that says, "Help, need ride!"
Wife's at the door.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very s**... nightie.
Tie me up, she purred, and you can do anything you want.
So he tied her up and went golfing.
An older man walks into a bar...
...wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
Overcrowded church
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
My gay friend's had an 80's themes costume party.
I came dressed up as AIDS. Nobody really knew what I was at the start of the party, but by the end, everybody got it.
A Halloween joke for you.
Little Johnny is out trick or treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He walked up to a house and said "trick or treat". The little old lady just gushed over his costume. She says to Johnny, "What a cute costume, but let me ask you....Where are your buccaneers?" Little Johnny says back, "They're under my buckin hat lady."
A little girl is attending her first wedding...
And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."
The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
My wife dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..."
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.
As a child I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.
Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
You can explore dressed gown reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean dressed affluent dad jokes. There are also dressed puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I accidentally went to Star Trek convention dressed as Chewbacca...
It was a Wookie mistake
McDonald's will give you a free combo meal...
McDonald's will give you a free combo meal and £127.38 if you go to the Drive Thru dressed as a clown.
With a gun.
What do you call a group of chickens dressed up like crows?
A m**... most fowl.
(I'll see myself out...)
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
I was having s**... with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed
She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
My dad dressed up as The Invisible Man today
He's had the costume on for the last 20 years
I met a little boy today.
He was sitting on the curb, dressed in rags. He had his face in his hands and it looked like he was crying.
I felt kinda bad he was all alone, so I went and sat down beside him.
I said, "Are you an orphan, little guy?"
As he looked up, his eyes were still red and his cheeks still wet. He managed to crack a small smile.
"Yeah. What gave me away?"
I leaned in close and whispered,
"Your parents."
I went out dressed as a chicken last night.
and I met a girl who was dressed as an egg. One thing led to another and a lifelong question was answered; it was the chicken.
Went to the party dressed as a chicken last night.
Went to a party dressed as a chicken last night, and got with a girl who was dressed as an egg - a life long question was answered. It was the chicken.
I saw my buddy dressed as a bowl of soup...
I didn't know if he was friend or pho.
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.
He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover
A guy dressed as a Chicken for Halloween finds a girl dressed as an egg.
Apparently the answer is Chicken.
Four nuns about to take their vows..
Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.
Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said, "I am so honored you want to share this experience with us. May I ask why you came?"
"We're from the groom's family."
Arrested for being too good in bed!
My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.
I went to a party dressed as an egg
and I hooked up with a guy dressed as a chicken.
I guess we have an answer to that age old question.
It was the chicken.
Today is International Women's Day.
It was supposed to be yesterday, but they took longer than expected to get dressed.
What do you call a bunch of zombies dressed as Superheroes?
The n**... Comic-Con
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered
The chicken
I passed a kid sat on the side of the road dressed in rags earlier.
I asked him, "Are you an orphan?"
He replied, "Yes. What gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents."
What do you call Hulk dressed up as Captain America?
Star-Spangled Banner
On Halloween, a little boy dressed as a pirate.
He went up to a house and rang the doorbell. A man answered and said, "Well I'll be, a pirate! But where are your buccaneers?
The little boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."
I saw the girl i had s**... with on Halloween yesterday
I don't know why she was still dressed up as a guy though...
I remember when I was younger lying there in bed waiting for Santa to come..
I also remember the awkward silence while waiting for him to get dressed and leave.
A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.
His friends see him and say, Hey man, what are you supposed to be?
He replies, Oh, I'm dressed as a turtle.
His friends respond, A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?
The man replies, Oh that's just Michelle.
A man goes to a Halloween party dressed up as a chicken and he meets a girl dressed up as an egg.
The answer is the chicken.
A man brings his friend home after work for dinner unannounced
When he tells his wife, she starts screaming:
"I've not done my makeup, I've not dressed up nicely, the house is a mess and I haven't had time to wash the dishes! I'm too tired to cook for both of you, and I haven't done the day's laundry yet! Why on Earth would you bring him here?"
"Because he's considering getting married"
What's the difference between a poorly-dress man on a bicycle, and a well dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire.
Actually wait, there's two differences.
Attire, and a tire.
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a harp
The host asked me: What are you?
Me: Oh, I'm dressed as a harp.
Host: Your costume is too short to be a harp
Me: Are you calling me a lyre?
Went out last night dressed as a chicken and got with a girl dressed as an egg
A life long question was answered. It was the chicken
Why are Gay people always so well dressed?
Because they spend all that time in the closet.
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
A man in a bra.
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, How long have you been wearing that bra? The friend replies, Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.
Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…
2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central Park. Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from behind a tree. The man casually opens his coat and flashes the unsuspecting ladies.
Surprised, the first lady had a s**.... The second lady also had a s**.... The third lady, though, declined to touch it.
I dressed up as a gifted kid for Halloween.
When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things..."
Whats the difference between a badly dressed man on a bicycle and a posh dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire.
Kanye West
After a long day of work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take his Kanye Rest. He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he'll get Kanye Dressed on his Kanye Vest to go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church and becomes Kanye Blessed, then to a hotel room to be a Kanye Guest. Then to school to take his Kanye Test. He forgot to brush his teeth. Did he run out of Kanye Crest? His neighbor stole it, what a Kanye Pest.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts arguing in front of you.
They could've at least waited until I got dressed and left.
So there's this one kid at a costume party and the host ask what he was dressed up as. The kid told him that he dressed up as a harp, and the host told him that his costume is too small to be a harp.
The kid then said, "Are you calling me a lyre?"
I saw 2 guys dressed the same, so I asked them if they are gay.
Then they arrested me.
I met my wife at the zoo.
The moment I saw her there, dressed head to toe in khaki and covered in animal s**..., I knew she was a keeper.
A Covid test nurse asked me if I've had a sudden loss of taste.
I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."
What's the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
A tire.
My car broke down this morning, so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine. Amazingly, he said, Hello Dave! You're a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed, too!" I realised the problem straight away.
Bat flattery
halloween joke
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Ah, October! Almost time for Halloween. This season reminds me of how I met my wife. I went to a costume party, and saw her across the room. Standing there all thin and tall and gorgeous next to her fat friend. They'd come to the party together dressed as the number ten," he tells the bartender. "That's when I knew, she was the one."
Why did the spoon come to the party dressed as a knife?
The invitation said to look sharp.
Judy entered a church
She was wearing a see through blouse and no bra.
"You can't come into this church dressed like that!" Exclaimed the priest.
"But I have a divine right!" Replied Judy.
"You have a divine left too, but you still can't come in dressed like that!"
Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he's dressed up as and he responds I'm a snail!
That's M'Shell on my back
why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because batman swore to protect goth ham
A guy walks into a bar on Halloween
A guy dressed in regular street clothes walks into a bar on Halloween and orders a beer. "I'm here for the costume party," he tells the bartender. The bartender looks him up and down, taking in his ordinary clothing and no makeup or wig. "What are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "I'm a werewolf," the guy replies. "How's that? You're not dressed up at all," the bartender says. "Well, it's not a full moon tonight, now is it Mr. Smart Guy?" the guy replies.
Help
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, a student nurse found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, insisting didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly agreed to let the nurse wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down she asked him if his wife was meeting him.
I don't know, he said. She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.
My niece just showed me a picture of her new girlfriend dressed in hockey gear, pads, mask and all
I said "She looks like a keeper"
The Indian lady at the store was dressed very elegantly.
"Wow, that's that's a beautiful dress!" I said.
She answered, "Saree..."
"No, don't be sorry! It looks very nice!"
A fellow from the Midwest has to spend Christmas in the deep South.
He's there on business, and he misses the snow. He tries to cheer himself up by walking around looking at a Christmas crèche ( a tableau representing the Nativity scene ). He's shocked to see that the three wise men are dressed as firemen, in hats and boots and slickers. He asks a passerby why in the world they're dressed that way.
Annoyed, she says, "Don't you Yankees ever read the Bible? It says right in the Bible, the three wise men came from *a far!*"
Last Halloween, my friend Lucy dressed up like a cat burglar on a jewel heist.
Lucy….in disguise with diamonds.
A man goes to see a psychologist..
'Doctor, I keep dreaming about two teams of rats dressed like humans that play football.'
'I see. Take this pill tonight, and the dream will be gone.'
'No, no. I can't do it tonight.'
'Why not?' Asked the puzzled doctor.
With a grin, the man said. 'Tonight's the final game of the season.'
For Valentine's Day, my wife finally fulfilled a fantasy of mine when dressed up as a nurse.
At last, I got to roleplay having access to healthcare.
"9-1-1, What is your emergency?"
"Yeah, there's a guy dressed up as a peanut in the parking lot, he's on the ground and yellin' that he's assaulted. ... I'm at the Shell station on Brittle St. ... Naw, I can't tell from here if he's just plain' or not. This guy's a fuckin' ***nut***."
General Frederick D. Grant said to his servant one morning
"James, I have left my mess boots out. I want them soled."
"Yes, sir, the servant answered."
The general dressed for dinner that night, said again: "I suppose, James, that you did as I told you about those boots."
"Yes, sir, said he, and this is all I could get for them, though the corporal who bought them said he would have given half a dollar if pay day hadn't been so far off."
