Dress Jokes

180 dress jokes and hilarious dress puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dress that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laugh out loud with this collection of funny dress jokes! From fancy dress to wedding dresses, saris to suits, discover jokes about all types of clothing, including red dress, short dress, black dress, prom dress, yellow dress and more. Find your favorite and share the laughs!

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Funniest Dress Short Jokes

Short dress jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dress humour may include short robe jokes also.

  1. My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
  2. My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
  3. A girl walks into a dry cleaner She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."
  4. What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!
  5. A Covid test nurse asked me if I've had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."
  6. For Valentine's Day, my wife finally fulfilled a fantasy of mine when dressed up as a nurse. At last, I got to roleplay having access to healthcare.
  7. Why are gay men so well dressed? They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
  8. A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners The lady says, "Come Again!"
    The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
  9. A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover
  10. What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? Attire

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Dress One Liners

Which dress one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dress? I can suggest the ones about vest and suit.

  1. The wife caught me cross-dressing So I packed her things and left
  2. What does a programmer wear? Whatever is in the dress code.
  3. Why did the ketchup blush? He saw the salad dressing.
  4. For halloween I'm dressing up as a plate. Girls love to do dishes.
  5. How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like a choir boy.
  6. The next person to show me that dress... gonna get a white and gold eye.
  7. What do you call Hulk dressed up as Captain America? Star-Spangled Banner
  8. Why did the cross dressing pilots career never take off? Too much drag
  9. "Dress for the job you want," they said. Apparently pornstar wasn't a valid option.
  10. My mom dresses like my dad and my dad dresses like my mom They're transparent
  11. Why did the cucumber blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
  12. How do you get Americans to care about the Sudanese genocide? Dress them up as dead lions
  13. I always knock before I open a fridge Just in case there's a salad dressing
  14. I saw my buddy dressed as a bowl of soup... I didn't know if he was friend or pho.
  15. Why do midgets wear short dresses? So they can show off a little leg.

Black Dress Jokes

Here is a list of funny black dress jokes and even better black dress puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My favourite way to dress is all in black. My sense of fashion is second to nun.
    I'll show myself out.
  • I'm gonna dress up as Forest gump tonight and go to the movies and make a a scene. Then I will have to apologize for ruining their Black Panther party
  • why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied? Because batman swore to protect goth ham
  • My teacher told me to tuck my shirt in. I said, "Why?"
    "Because it *looks* like you've just had s**...," he said, zipping his trouser.
  • I once took a ski away from an Eskimo... Then he dressed in black and got real depressed
  • I woke at 6am to my girlfriend crying in a black dress I asked what was wrong, she replied between sobs, "I guess I'm just a mourning person"
  • Depending on who you are determines what colors you see the dress as. Chris Brown sees it as black and blue.
  • So I learned something yesterday when I tuned into the Golden Globes Black dresses matter
  • What's the dress code at any event involving Tiger Woods? Black Thai
  • You're driving in your car and you see a black man dressed in all black. How'd you see him? It's daytime.

Fancy Dress Jokes

Here is a list of funny fancy dress jokes and even better fancy dress puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a screwdriver. Turned a few heads.
  • I went to a fancy dress party... A girl approached me and asked 'what are you meant to be?'
    I said 'a harp'
    She replied 'your costume is too small to be a harp'
    I said 'are you calling me a lyre?'
  • The wife and I went to a bank robber-themed fancy dress party last night. Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running.
  • My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'.
  • Me and the wife went to an 80's themed fancy dress party last week. She didn't want me to go as a pop star... ...but i was adamant
  • I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a Pirate, the host said where are your buccaneers? I replied. Under my buckinghat.
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger was going to a fancy dress party dressed as Tchaikovsky However, when he found out that someone was already dressed as Tchaikovsky, he said "i'll be Bach".
  • What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to Beethoven on the way to the fancy dress party? "I'll be Bach"
  • i went to a fancy dress party dressed as a globe and didnt speak to anyone all night. I was in a world of my own
  • A guy goes to a fancy dress party and one of the guests says to him what have you come as, and why is your wife on your back? He replies I'm a tortoise and that's Michelle
Dress joke, A guy goes to a fancy dress party and one of the guests says to him  what have you come as, and why

Wedding Dress Jokes

Here is a list of funny wedding dress jokes and even better wedding dress puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How does an Indian girl tell her family she will be wearing a Western dress to her wedding? "Sorry, not Sari."
  • "I can still fit into my wedding dress!", my wife bragged. "That's only because you were 8 months pregnant", I replied.
  • Why do women wear white wedding dresses? So the dishwasher can match the refrigerator and stove
  • Why are wedding dresses white? So the dishwasher matches the fridge.
  • Old joke time, Why are wedding dresses white? To match the other appliances in the kitchen.
  • I have this crush on a girl at work, so I got her address She seemed a little creeped out when she saw it was a wedding dress though.
  • On my way to my wedding I got caught in a rain shower and my dress was ruined. I tried to file a claim with insurance but they said I didn't have an umbrella policy.
  • Tinder is for rookies Go to Facebook marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It'll show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size
  • On their wedding night, the couple ordered a "Honeymoon Salad" Lettuce alone, with no dressing.
  • Why are wedding dresses white So that the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances.

Red Dress Jokes

Here is a list of funny red dress jokes and even better red dress puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do Daredevil and Scarlet Witch have in common? They're superheroes dressed in red who lost their vision!
  • Why did the tomato turn red It saw the salad dressing.
  • Why did the tomato turn red? Because he saw the salad dressing!
    Lol 😂
  • A truck carrying olive oil crashed into a truck carrying red wine vinegar, inside a nudist camp First responders reported that everyone nearby was well dressed
  • Why did the tomato go red? Because it saw salad dressing.
  • Everybody really loves the new "IT" movie. But when I dress up as a clown, and lure kids into the sewer with red balloons I get diagnosed as a psychopath.
  • My ex-girlfriend liked to apply period blood to her dress and wave it around That was a huge red flag.
  • Why did the tomato turn red?
    Because he saw the salad dressing.
  • Why did the tomato turn red? Because he saw the salad dressing!
  • Going to go trick or treating tonight. Gonna dress up in all red and when people answer the knok, i tell them that im a period, and im sorry im late.
Dress joke, Going to go trick or treating tonight.

Witty Dress Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about dress you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cloth jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dress pranks.

Anyone need a s**... costume for Halloween?

Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything

I'll never forget the day I met my wife.

We were at a fancy dress party. She was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate. They'd gone together, dressed as the number ten.
I knew there and then, she was the one.

A girl walks in to the dry cleaners

A girl walks in to the dry cleaners and places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress".
The clerk was somewhat preoccupied and didn't quite catch what she said, so he asked "Come again?".
"No. This time it's mayonnaise"

A man and his wife are in a restaurant.

The wife spills soup all over her new dress.
"Ah", the wife cries out, "I look like a pig."
"Yes", the husband replies, "and there's soup all over your dress too."

A woman stands on a boardwalk...

She notices a man below looking up her dress.
"You, sir, are no gentleman!"
"And you, lady, are no blonde!"

Dry Cleaning

Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard this time."

My friend asked what he should dress his 1 yr old daughter up as for halloween.

I told him a giant steak with a tiara on. He didnt get it, he asked "why would my daughter be steak?"
I told him, no a giant Miss Steak

A woman walks into a dry cleaner...

and says "I've got another dress for you"
The man behind the counter, whose a little hard of hearing, reply "come again?"
The woman responds with "No this time its mustard"

A husband came home and found his wife laying n**... on the bed

and asks her "Why are you n**..., woman ?" "Because i have nothing to wear." "You have nothing to wear? You have a closet full of clothes !" He then goes and opens the closet doors and starts going through her stuff. "Look, you have one dress, two dresses, three dresses, Hello neighbour, four dresses !"

Another Jack and Jill joke

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some m**....
Jack got high, pulled down his fly and asked Jill "Do ya wanna?"
Jill said "Yes" Took off her dress and they had a little fun,
But s**... Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.

Why couldn't the bee dress as a ghost for Halloween?

Because people are offended by seeing Boo Bees.

A man out of work...

...sees an opening at the zoo. The head zookeeper says to him "Our ape just died and it's too expensive to replace him. Can you dress up in an ape suit and run around the ape pen? The man, desperate for a job, agrees. The next day, he does his thing as the ape, but while hopping from tree to tree, falls in the lion pen. The lion chases him around for a while, to thunderous applause from the crowd. The lion finally tackles the man and says "Do you want to get us both fired?"

Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are planning a costume party

and the theme is composers. Bruce tells the other stars, "I'll dress up as Mozart". Sylvester responds, "I'd be a great Beethoven". As the two are planning their costumes, Arnold checks the time and notices he's late for an appointment. As he hurries out the door, Bruce and Stallone ask "Hey, Arnold, who'll you dress up as? Arnold responds, as he walks out of the room, "I'll be Bach".

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind....

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?
Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat. But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!

Monica Lewinsky walks into a cleaners....

with a dress and yells at the old owner who is hard of hearing
"I need to dry clean my dress"
The owner cups his hand next to his ear
"come again"
"No it's ketchup this time"

My boss told me to "dress for the job you want, not the job you have."

Now I'm in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

What do the American dollar and the American dress size have in common?

Both have had to adjust for inflation.

What do you get when you dress the Hulk in Captain America's clothes?

A Star-Spangled Banner.

A rich woman feigns illness andbleavesba party early

When she gets home, she calls the butler to her bedroom.
"Jeeves? Take off my coat."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my high heels."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, unzip my dress, and remove it...throw it on the floor!
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my brassiere and p**...."
"Yes, madam."
"Yes, madam?"
"If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when Sylvester Stallone wanted to dress up as classical composers for Halloween?

"You be Beethoven, I'll be Bach."

Will you get mad?

Wife: *Honey, do I look fat in this dress?*
Husband: *Will you get mad if I tell you the truth?*
Wife: *No, silly. Of course not*
Husband: *I slept with your sister*

A lady walks into a dry cleaners...

...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."
The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"
Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."

Little more time.

Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." But this time the little girl just keeps on playing. "How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny. "My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."

2 Black Eyes

A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."

A Monkey passes away at a zoo, and they have no other Monkey's in the zoo

A desperate man is hired to dress in a Monkey Suit, after a few days he somehow falls into the lion pit. Suddenly he is yelling for help, the Lion approaches him and says, "Shut up or you're gonna get us both fired!"

Why is Santa Claus always a man?

Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.

I went out dressed as a chicken last night.

and I met a girl who was dressed as an egg. One thing led to another and a lifelong question was answered; it was the chicken.

Why does Gandalf never dress as a p**... for halloween?

Because he doesn't want to be taken as a conjurer of cheap tricks.

I was invited to a party and was told "dress to kill"

Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind

Wife: I heard you have a new secretary today?

Wife:Is she smart?
Wife:Is she pretty?
Wife:How did she dress today?
Husband:Very quickly.

"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." --career advancement program at my job

Then they fired me for violating the dress code at the bank. Hypocrites. How am I ever going to become a sumo wrestler now?

A guy asks a girl to prom...

A guy asks a girl out to prom and she says yes. Excited, the guy goes to dress shop to get a tuxedo but there is a very long line. After buying the suit he goes to buy flowers for his partner. So he gets in another very long line in the flower shop. Finally after hours of waiting he goes to prom. After dancing for a while his partner asks him to get punch for her. When he gets there, their is no punch line.

What did the jalapeno dress up as for Halloween?

A Ghost Pepper.

A blonde goes to the dry cleaners.

She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.
However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?"
Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time."

What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky?

A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous...
A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.

A lawyer was confused and hassled with mathematics of a case...

... So he asked his secretary:
"If I give you USD 3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"
Secretary: "Everything Sir! Dress, Underwear, Everything."

Fancy Dress Party tonight. Going as a m**... guy with Leprosy

Hope I can pull it off.

A woman walks by a clothes shop, and spots a nice red dress in the window.

She goes inside to inquire:
Woman: Hi. I want to try on that red dress in the window.
Employee: Well, as you wish, but we have changing rooms too.

If you dress up as a banana and eat a banana

Is that canabananalism?

A nun asks another

What would you do if someone with bad intentions gets ahold of you?
Nun: I would lift up my dress
Other Nun: Oh my! What would you do then?
Nun: I would ask him to put his pants down
Other Nun: Wow. I didn't expect this from you. What would you do after?
Nun: I would run away. I bet I can run faster lifting my skirt than he can with his pants down.

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.
"But wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too, won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well? Won't they find out?"
"And who's gonna tell?"

A job interview is like a first date.

You dress up, pretend to be someone else and spend the time wondering if you're going to get s**....

Tank tops shouldn't be against school dress codes

After all, we have a right to bare arms.

A lady calls her butler into her room and says, "Jeeves, take off my dress"

He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now out of my sight! If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

I'm dressing as the Republican healthcare bill for Halloween.

I won't be leaving the house.
(Heard this on the podcast Fake the Nation and thought you all would like it.)

Monica Lewinsky takes a dress to her dry cleaner.

"Do you think you'll be able to get the stain out?" she asks.
"Come again?" the man at the counter responds.
"No, mustard," Monica replies

The man came home early from work to find his wife lying n**... on the bed, crying her eyes out.

What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…

Decided to have my girlfriend dress as a cop and read me my rights

Because everything I say can and will be used against me at a later date

Saw a guy walking with a n**... woman on his back. "You OK?" I asked.

"Sure. I'm headed to a fancy dress as a tortoise."
"And her?"
"Oh, that's Michelle."

My girlfriend is always stealing my shirts and sweaters,

but when I borrow a dress suddenly we "need to talk."

Politicians should be required to dress like NASCAR drivers.

With patches all over their suits telling us who their sponsors are.

A man was in confession asking for forgiveness at his local church.

Man: Father I have sinned.
Yesterday my wife was leaning against the sofa and she was wearing a short Dress she looked so s**... I couldn't control myself. I went up behind her and spread her legs and started ramming her from behind uncontrollably.
Priest: oh no no they don't like that sort of behaviour is heaven.
Man: No they don't like it in Walmart either.

They say Dress for the job you want.

How do I dress like a b**...?

I friend of mine has two tickets to the Super Bowl.

They are box seats, and include travel and hotel accomodation. He didn't realise when he bought the tickets that it was the same date as his wedding - so now he can't go.
So if you're interested and want to go instead of him. It's at St James's Church in Bootle at 3pm. Her name is Susan. She will be the one in the white dress.

Why do gay people dress so well?

Because they spend most of their lives in the closet.

A man goes to the dry cleaner's and says, Hey buddy, can I get this dress cleaned?

Dry cleaner guy, taking off his earphones: Come again?
Man: No, mustard.

A woman gets on a double decker bus.

She steps onto the bus and begins her ascent to the upper deck and a hefty gust of wind comes in and blows her dress up.
The bus driver, looking up the steps at her says but airy up there ma'am
To which she replies, what'd you expect, feathers?

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some m**....

Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said You know you wanna . Jill said yes, pulled up her dress and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.
Use contraceptives kids.

I'm not allowed to dress up as a superhero and visit the children's hospital anymore.

And I put so much work into my Thanos costume.

A little girl asked her dad where babies come from.

Dad: "The daddy plants a seed in the mommy."
Little girl: "Does she s**... the seed?"
Dad: "Only if she wants a new dress."

A blonde drops off her dress at the dry cleaners,

The dry cleaner says come again
The blonde says it's toothpaste this time

I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back

I said "where are you going?"
He replied "Fancy dress party"
"What as?" I asked
"Tortoise" the man shouted back
"Who's she?" I questioned
To which he responded "That's Michelle"

A joke from work

Four famous actors get together and decide to dress up as famous artists for Halloween.
Leonardo DiCaprio says he'll go as Da Vinci since they have the same first name.
Tom Cruise says he'll go as Van Gogh so they have two painters.
Bill Murray says he'll go as Beethoven since he likes his music.
Arnold Schwarzenegger just looks at them and says "I'll be Bach."

For anybody who doesn't believe vaccines cause autism...

My Douglas was vaccinated and is now nearly five years old. He has still not learned to speak a single word, cannot dress himself and is not even able to use the toilet.
Don't let vaccines ruin your dog's life too.

I was at a fancy dress party, and I ran into a friend of mine, dressed as a turtle with another g**... her back

I asked who's the other girl
She said...

Why do l**... tend to dress alike?

They rub off on eachother.

The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the m**... case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

I dressed up as a gifted kid for Halloween.

When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things..."

Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies?

Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable.

Dress joke, Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies?

jokes about dress