dress Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious dress stories

What are the best Dress puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Dress? Well here is a complete list of Dress dad jokes:

I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

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Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?

Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything

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A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back...

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked. "I'm a snail." The bloke replied. "What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?" "That's not a any girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".

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A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly to the recently married couple's house.

She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

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How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like a choir boy.

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A woman walks into a dry cleaner...

and says "I've got another dress for you"
The man behind the counter, whose a little hard of hearing, reply "come again?"
The woman responds with "No this time its mustard"

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My wife walked in on me last night and shouted, "What the hell are you doing with that ivory and gold dress?"

I said, "It's not what it looks like!"

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A girl walks in to the dry cleaners

A girl walks in to the dry cleaners and places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress".

The clerk was somewhat preoccupied and didn't quite catch what she said, so he asked "Come again?".

"No. This time it's mayonnaise"

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The Man and the Nun.

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her.

Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.

The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray.

If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume.

At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!"

The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty.

The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex.

Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex.

After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

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The next person to show me that dress...

...is gonna get a white and gold eye.

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The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind....

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?

Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat. But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!

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What do you get when you dress the Hulk in Captain America's clothes?

A Star-Spangled Banner.

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Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are planning a costume party

and the theme is composers. Bruce tells the other stars, "I'll dress up as Mozart". Sylvester responds, "I'd be a great Beethoven". As the two are planning their costumes, Arnold checks the time and notices he's late for an appointment. As he hurries out the door, Bruce and Stallone ask "Hey, Arnold, who'll you dress up as? Arnold responds, as he walks out of the room, "I'll be Bach".

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I went to a fancy dress costume party the other day...

There was a guy standing there nude! Completely fucking naked with nothing but a girl on his back (also naked).

"What's your costume supposed to be?" I asked the man incredulously.

"I'm a snail obviously bro!" He smiled at my confusion and pointed at the girl he was carrying.

"This is Michelle."

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I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.

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An attractive blonde is dropping her dress off to be cleaned.

She hands the dress to the clerk who says thank you.

As the blonde walks out the clerk says "come again!"

The blonde turns and says "it's toothpaste this time you bitch!"

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Dry Cleaning

Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard this time."

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Door to door salesman joke. Old but funny.

A door to door salesman knocks on a door and is greeted by a young boy. The boy is wearing lipstick, his moms dress and smoking his fathers cigarettes.
The salesman asks "Son, are your parents home?"
The kid takes a drag and replies "What the fuck do you think?"

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A woman stands on a boardwalk...

She notices a man below looking up her dress.

"You, sir, are no gentleman!"

"And you, lady, are no blonde!"

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A Scottish Soldier marches into a pharmacy

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the
proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."

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Monica Lewinsky walks into a cleaners....

with a dress and yells at the old owner who is hard of hearing

"I need to dry clean my dress"

The owner cups his hand next to his ear

"come again"

"No it's ketchup this time"

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Two black eyes

A friend of mine was walking out of church service and I noticed he had two black eyes. I asked what happened. "Well, he said, "I was sitting behind Mrs. Brown, you know, the large woman with all those grandkids; the one that always dresses real fancy. Well, I noticed her dress had accidently got tucked in, well, you know... her back side, between her cheeks. So, I pulled it out and she punched me."

"How did you get the second black eye?"

"Well, I figured if that made her so upset, I'd better try and put it back."

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hillbilly sex

Cletus, a seven-year-old hillbilly, comes up to his dad one day and says, "Daddy, what's sex?'

The dad says, "Why Cletus! You're all of seven years old, and you don't know what sex is?"

Cletus drops his eyes and says, "No, I shorely don't."

The dad says, "C'mere, young'n." Takes him by the wrist and into their shack, where the mom is passed out on the couch from drinking corn liquor all morning.

The dad lifts up her threadbare calico dress, points, and says, "See that hole twixt yer mammy's legs?"

"Yes."

"Well, watch this." He drops his pants, gets on, and starts boning the mom.

Cletus is watching, wide-eyed, and his sister, five-year-old Lu Ella, comes in, gasps, and says, "Cletus! What're they doin'?"

"Having sex."

"What's sex?"

"Why Lu Ella! You're all of five years old, and you don't know what sex is?"

Lu Ella drops her eyes and says, "No, I shorely don't."

Cletus says, "See that hole twixt Daddy's legs? Watch this!"

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Simple Truths 1 & 2

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say,
"Congrats ".
But none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

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Little Johnny in creative writing

The teacher start creative writing class by saying, "Today I want you to write a sentence that uses the word 'beautiful' twice".

Susie goes first: "My mom bought me a beautiful dress and I look beautiful in it."

Next, the teacher calls on Mary: "Today is a beautiful sunny day, helping the beautiful flowers to grow."

Thinking, "Little Johnny can't possibly make this ugly", the teacher calls on him. Little Johnny says, "Last night at dinner my sister told us she is pregnant and my Dad said, 'Beautiful. Just fucking beautiful.'"

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Missing report

A husband went to the police station to file a missing report


Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.

Officer: -What is her height?

Husband : -Average, I guess.

Officer: -Slim or healthy?

Husband: -Not slim, but probably healthy.

Officer: -Color of eyes?

Husband : -Never noticed.

Officer : -Color of hair?

Husband : -Changes according to season.

Officer : -What was she wearing?

Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or a suit.

Officer : -Was she driving?

Husband : -Yes.

Officer : -Color of the car?

Husband : -Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door... and then the husband started
crying...

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How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy

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My friend asked what he should dress his 1 yr old daughter up as for halloween.

I told him a giant steak with a tiara on. He didnt get it, he asked "why would my daughter be steak?"

I told him, no a giant Miss Steak

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My boss told me to "dress for the job you want, not the job you have."

Now I'm in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

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A husband came home and found his wife laying naked on the bed

and asks her "Why are you naked, woman ?" "Because i have nothing to wear." "You have nothing to wear? You have a closet full of clothes !" He then goes and opens the closet doors and starts going through her stuff. "Look, you have one dress, two dresses, three dresses, Hello neighbour, four dresses !"

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Why couldn't the bee dress as a ghost for Halloween?

Because people are offended by seeing Boo Bees.

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A blonde goes to buy a TV.

So, a blonde goes to a mega store to buy a TV, she goes in and she asks an employee for opinions:

Her: "Excuse me, what do you think of that TV?"

Employee: "Sorry madam, we don't sell to blonde women"

She gets furious, goes back home, puts on a hat and a fancy dress and comes back:

Her: "Excuse me fine gentleman, what might one think of this Television?"

Employee: "Sorry madam, we don't sell to blonde women"


She gets even more furious, goes back, dye her hair black and comes back to the store:

Her: "Excuse me sir, what do you think of that TV?"

Employee: "Sorry madam, we don't sell to blonde women."


She goes back, put on a cap on backwards, put on a fake beard, hide her boobs and a baggy jeans and a long t-shirt and comes back:

Her: "Ayyo, dude, what's up with this TV? Is it the shit?"

Employee: "Sorry madam, we don't sell to blonde women."

She flips her shit and ask "How the hell do you keep knowing that I'm a blonde woman?"

:"Because that's a fucking *microwave*.

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I'll never forget the day I met my wife.

We were at a fancy dress party. She was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate. They'd gone together, dressed as the number ten.

I knew there and then, she was the one.

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Love Dress.

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple' s house.
She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
'What are you doing?' the mother-in-law asked.
'I am waiting for my husband to come home from work,' the daughter-in-law replied.
'Why are you naked?' asked the mother-in-law.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law replied.
'LOVE DRESS! You are naked,' said the mother-in-law.
'But my husband loves it when I wear this dress.
It makes him happy and he makes me happy,' said the daughter-in-law.
'I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute,' the daughter-in-law continued.
Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left.
On the way home, she thought about the 'LOVE DRESS' and got an idea.
She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home.
Finally, the pickup truck drove up the drive way, and she took her place by the door.
The father-in-law opened the door, and immediately saw his wife naked by the door.
'What are you doing?' he asked. 'This is my love dress,' the mother-in-law replied. 'Needs ironing,' he replied.

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Another Jack and Jill joke

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana.
Jack got high, pulled down his fly and asked Jill "Do ya wanna?"
Jill said "Yes" Took off her dress and they had a little fun,
But stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son

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A man out of work...

...sees an opening at the zoo. The head zookeeper says to him "Our ape just died and it's too expensive to replace him. Can you dress up in an ape suit and run around the ape pen? The man, desperate for a job, agrees. The next day, he does his thing as the ape, but while hopping from tree to tree, falls in the lion pen. The lion chases him around for a while, to thunderous applause from the crowd. The lion finally tackles the man and says "Do you want to get us both fired?"

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I'm going to dress up as laundry next Halloween

bitches love doing laundry.

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A rich woman feigns illness andbleavesba party early

When she gets home, she calls the butler to her bedroom.
"Jeeves? Take off my coat."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my high heels."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, unzip my dress, and remove it...throw it on the floor!
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my brassiere and panties."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves?"
"Yes, madam?"
"If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

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A man and his wife are in a restaurant.

The wife spills soup all over her new dress.
"Ah", the wife cries out, "I look like a pig."

"Yes", the husband replies, "and there's soup all over your dress too."

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The 2 dogs

Two dogs are sitting in a veterinarian office.

Dog 1: "hey, what are you here for?"

Dog 2: "I went with my owner, that beautiful lady there, to pick flowers in a nearby field this morning. She was wearing a beautiful short dress and wasn't wearing any panties, so as soon as she bent down to pick up a flower I saw her fine ass, ran over to her, grabbed her strongly by the thighs and started fucking her".

Dog 1: "OMG they are going to cut you up real good"

Dog 2: "Nope, just nail clipping"

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Wife walked into the bedroom.

"What the hell are you doing here in my white and gold dress?" "No honey, itΒ΄s not what it looks like."

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One day, a hippie gets on a bus...

He sees a beautiful nun and sits next to her. He turns too the nun and says, ''Will you have sex with me?'' Surprised by the question, the Noun answers,''No!'' and gets off at the next stop.

After she gets off the bus the bus driver turns to the Hippie and says,''I over heard your conversation, and I think I know how you can get the Nun to have sex with you.'' The Hippie asks how'. The bus driver tells him that every night at around 12 o'clock the nun goes to the cemetary and prays. If you go there and dress up as God you can demand her to have sex with you. The Hippie, happy about his new knowledge decides to dress up as God the next night and go there. When he goes there he sees the nun praying. He goes up to her and says, ''I am God, I order you to have sex with me.'' The nun answers, ''Sure, but can it be anal because I don't want to loose my virginity.'' They agree and have thier way. After it is all done the Hippie rips off his mask and says, '' HAHA I'm the Hippie.'' Then the Nun rips off her mask and says, ''HAHA, I'm the bus driver!"

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It is Bob's anniversary

It's Bob's 15th anniversary and he forgot. When he came home from work he didn't notice his wife was all made up with make up and a pretty dress. Bob asked his wife what was for dinner but she kept hinting that they should have a date night but Bob getting from work was tired so he made a sandwich and then took a nap. When Bob woke up, his wife was standing over him with a furious look on her face before she screamed "YOU FORGOT OUR ANNIVERSARY" Bob realized he just screwed up in a major way, but before he could make amends his wife kicked him while shouting " IF YOU WANT TO SLEEP IN THIS AGAIN THERE HAD BETTER BE SOMETHING THAT GOES FROM 0 TO 200 IN LESS THAN 3 SECONDS". When Bob's wife woke up in the morning there was a small box in the driveway. She opened the box and in side she found : a bathroom scale.

Bob Has Been Missing since monday

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What do the American dollar and the American dress size have in common?

Both have had to adjust for inflation.

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A cop was walking through the park...

...on a beautiful summer day. He comes upon a tiny blond girl in a white dress playing with a puppy under an apple tree.

"Hello, little one! What's your name?"

"Blossom", she chirps.

"And where did that come from?"

"When I was in my mommy's belly, an apple blossom fell from this very tree and landed on her tummy."

"Adorable! And what's your little puppy's name?"

"Porky"

"And why is that?"

"He fucks pigs"

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Guy goes to a fancy dress party wearing dark-green Lycra and carrying a naked woman on his back...

...

"What are you two supposed to be?" asks someone.

"Oh," he replies. "I'm a tortoise, and this is Michelle."

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A bus driver, a man, and a nun-- first heard about 7 years ago. Still funny

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

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How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her like an alter boy.

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recently re-relevant

So Monica Lewinsy rushes into the dry cleaner with a blue dress clutched in her hand. Recognizing the man behind the counter, she says "I need this dress cleaned right away." Realizing that he has been spoken to, but not certain what was said, the dry cleaner responds "Come again?"

No, says Lewisnki. It's yogurt.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best dress jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about dress. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty dress gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these dress jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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