Dress Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?

Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything

A girl walks into a dry cleaner

She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."

Planning on wearing a slutty costume for Halloween?

Dress up as my professors, they barely cover anything important.

A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

What does a programmer wear?

Whatever is in the dress code.

A blonde goes to the dry cleaners.

She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.

However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?"

Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time."

The man came home early from work to find his wife lying naked on the bed, crying her eyes out.

What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
sobbed.
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…

Saw a guy walking with a naked woman on his back. "You OK?" I asked.

"Sure. I'm headed to a fancy dress as a tortoise."

"And her?"

"Oh, that's Michelle."

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back...

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked. "I'm a snail." The bloke replied. "What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?" "That's not a any girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".

A lady calls her butler into her room and says, "Jeeves, take off my dress"

He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now out of my sight! If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

Another Halloween joke

There's a costume party, and this guy shows up dressed in nothing but a pair of jeans. The host yells at him: "You were supposed to dress up man, and you just show up shirtless?"

The guy replies: "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my pants."

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like a choir boy.

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.

She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back

I said "where are you going?"

He replied "Fancy dress party"

"What as?" I asked

"Tortoise" the man shouted back

"Who's she?" I questioned

To which he responded "That's Michelle"

A woman walks by a clothes shop, and spots a nice red dress in the window.

She goes inside to inquire:

Woman: Hi. I want to try on that red dress in the window.

Employee: Well, as you wish, but we have changing rooms too.

What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky?

A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous...

A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.

A woman walks into a dry cleaner...

and says "I've got another dress for you"
The man behind the counter, whose a little hard of hearing, reply "come again?"
The woman responds with "No this time its mustard"

My wife walked in on me last night and shouted, "What the hell are you doing with that ivory and gold dress?"

I said, "It's not what it looks like!"

How do you make a nun pregnant? NSFW

Dress her up as an altar boy.

How does an Indian girl tell her family she will be wearing a Western dress to her wedding?

"Sorry, not Sari."

Help Requested: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl.

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.


If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Donna. She will be the one in the white dress.

My girlfriend is always stealing my shirts and sweaters,

but when I borrow a dress suddenly we "need to talk."

When you're dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say

I haven't decided yet."

A girl walks in to the dry cleaners

A girl walks in to the dry cleaners and places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress".

The clerk was somewhat preoccupied and didn't quite catch what she said, so he asked "Come again?".

"No. This time it's mayonnaise"

Dressed as a Premature Ejaculation

A man enters a costume party wearing only blue jeans; no shirt or shoes. The host asks him, "What are you supposed to be?"

The man says, "I'm a premature ejaculation."

"How in God's name are you dressed as that?!"

"Because I just came in my pants."

I went out dressed as a chicken last night.

and I met a girl who was dressed as an egg. One thing led to another and a lifelong question was answered; it was the chicken.

The next person to show me that dress...

...is gonna get a white and gold eye.

What do you get when you dress the Hulk in Captain America's clothes?

A Star-Spangled Banner.

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.
"But wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too, won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well? Won't they find out?"
"And who's gonna tell?"

Will you get mad?

Wife: *Honey, do I look fat in this dress?*

Husband: *Will you get mad if I tell you the truth?*

Wife: *No, silly. Of course not*

Husband: *I slept with your sister*

Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are planning a costume party

and the theme is composers. Bruce tells the other stars, "I'll dress up as Mozart". Sylvester responds, "I'd be a great Beethoven". As the two are planning their costumes, Arnold checks the time and notices he's late for an appointment. As he hurries out the door, Bruce and Stallone ask "Hey, Arnold, who'll you dress up as? Arnold responds, as he walks out of the room, "I'll be Bach".

A man and a woman are getting ready for a party...

Woman: Does this dress make me look fat?

Man: Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?

Woman: Yes, I promise.

Man: I fucked your sister.

I went to a fancy dress costume party the other day...

There was a guy standing there nude! Completely fucking naked with nothing but a girl on his back (also naked).

"What's your costume supposed to be?" I asked the man incredulously.

"I'm a snail obviously bro!" He smiled at my confusion and pointed at the girl he was carrying.

"This is Michelle."

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.

A lady walks into a dry cleaners...

...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."

The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"

Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."

Monica Lewinsky takes a dress to her dry cleaner.

"Do you think you'll be able to get the stain out?" she asks.

"Come again?" the man at the counter responds.

"No, mustard," Monica replies

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when Sylvester Stallone wanted to dress up as classical composers for Halloween?

"You be Beethoven, I'll be Bach."

"Dress for the job you want," they said.

Apparently pornstar wasn't a valid option.

An attractive blonde is dropping her dress off to be cleaned.

She hands the dress to the clerk who says thank you.

As the blonde walks out the clerk says "come again!"

The blonde turns and says "it's toothpaste this time you bitch!"

My favourite way to dress is all in black.

My sense of fashion is second to nun.

I'll show myself out.

I'm dressing as the Republican healthcare bill for Halloween.

I won't be leaving the house.


(Heard this on the podcast Fake the Nation and thought you all would like it.)

Dry Cleaning

Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard this time."

A traveling salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door.

A 10 year old boy answers the door in a dress and bra with a cigar in one hand and whiskey in the other. The traveling salesman asks, "Excuse me, are your parents home?"
The boy responds, "What the fuck do you think??"

A man goes to a dress up party with a woman tied to his back.

Someones asks him "why the hell is there a woman tied to your back?

The man replies "I'm suppose to be a turtle... this is Michelle".

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said You know you wanna . Jill said yes, pulled up her dress and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.

Use contraceptives kids.

Door to door salesman joke. Old but funny.

A door to door salesman knocks on a door and is greeted by a young boy. The boy is wearing lipstick, his moms dress and smoking his fathers cigarettes.
The salesman asks "Son, are your parents home?"
The kid takes a drag and replies "What the fuck do you think?"

A blonde drops off her dress at the dry cleaners,

The dry cleaner says come again
The blonde says it's toothpaste this time

I was invited to a party and was told "dress to kill"

Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind

You help each other undress each other before sex. You dress yourself after

Moral of life is no one helps you once you're fucked

How do you get Americans to care about the Sudanese genocide?

Dress them up as dead lions

How do you get a nun pregnant?

You dress her up as an altar boy..

A woman stands on a boardwalk...

She notices a man below looking up her dress.

"You, sir, are no gentleman!"

"And you, lady, are no blonde!"

Before and After Sex

Before sex,you help each other get naked.
after sex,you only dress yourself.
moral of the story?
In life no one helps you once your fucked!

I saw my friend the other day and he asked, "How did you get two black eyes?"

Me: Well, I was at church Sunday and we stood up to sing a hymn. I noticed that the lady in front of me had her dress up in her butt crack, so I reach over and pulled it out for her. She turned around and slugged me in the eye!

My friend: But, how did you get the other black eye?

Me: I realized how much I upset her, so I reached over and put her dress back in her butt crack.

2 Black Eyes

A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.

The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.

"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."

[NSFW] A woman asks her boyfriend "Do I look fat in this dress?"

He answers: "Are you going to get angry if I'm honest?"
Her response is "No, I promise!"
"OK, I'm fucking your sister."

So I've been invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society's annual awards dinner. When I asked them what the dress code was...

They told me just to come in my pants.

Want a slutty costume?

Dress up as my professors, they barely cover anything important

I'm gonna dress up as Forest Gump tonight and go to the movies and make a a scene.

Then I will have to apologize for ruining their Black Panther party

A man and his wife are getting ready for a date

She asked her husband Does my ass look big in this dress?

He replies Honey, I'll be completely honest with you, but you have to promise to not be angry no matter how I respond.

I promise baby, I won't be angry if you're honest.

I fucked your sister.

Wife: I heard you have a new secretary today?

Husband:Yes.

Wife:Is she smart?

Husband:Yes.

Wife:Is she pretty?

Husband:Yes.

Wife:How did she dress today?

Husband:Very quickly.

I was invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society's Dinner.

I asked what the dress code was and they just said to come in my pants.

A nun asks another

What would you do if someone with bad intentions gets ahold of you?

Nun: I would lift up my dress

Other Nun: Oh my! What would you do then?

Nun: I would ask him to put his pants down

Other Nun: Wow. I didn't expect this from you. What would you do after?

Nun: I would run away. I bet I can run faster lifting my skirt than he can with his pants down.

They say Dress for the job you want.

How do I dress like a blow job?

Why is Santa Claus always a man?

Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.

Tank tops shouldn't be against school dress codes

After all, we have a right to bare arms.

What are the funniest dress jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Dress? Well, here are the best Dress puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Dress pick up lines to share with friends.

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