Dream Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like 0mg

A blonde goes to the dry cleaners.

She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.

However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?"

Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time."

John was unable to choose between two girls...

So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.

John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.

Gary: Then you should be with Edith.

John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...

Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.

John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!

Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

I dreamt about a horse last night.

It turned out to be a night mare.

I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning

What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?

Precubescent

I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today

He said Dream on. I think that was really nice of him.

I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda.

When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.

Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.

A woman gets up in the morning

wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."

I wanted to major in reverse psychology.

My dream school turned me down.

So I wrote them back and told them I wasn't even interested in their stupid program. They sent me a diploma.

A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving.

A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving. (Skydiving is when you jump out of a plane way up in the sky with a parachute to slow your fall) .... Sorry if that was a little con descending.

The German dream

The teacher is talking about the American Dream in class and then asks the one German kid if they had a German dream. He responds, "We did, but nobody liked it."

Why do black people always have nightmares?

Because we shot the last one that had a dream.

Why don't black people dream?

The last one who had a dream got shot.

The American dream:

To buy a shovel for 2$, to then sell it for 4$. Then you buy two shovels, and sell those for 8$. Then one of your rich uncles dies and you inherit 1,000,000$

My dad told me this one

I had a dream last night about an armored horse.

It was a Knight mare.

I dreamt that I had to write my own epitaph...

... That's a grave sign.

(I made up this joke and I nope no-one else has done it before me.)

A guy is having a beer with his wife says:

You are my dream, my angel, my love. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you.
The wife says 'is that you talking or is it the beer'?
Husband says: It's me talking to the beer.

I had a dream that my friend Martin became the ruler of all bath sponges.

We called him Martin Loofah King.

"What do you dream of doing, kids?" Asked the teacher...

Jimmy: "I want to be a pilot"

Amber: "I want to be a teacher"

Stacy: "I want to be a good mother"

James: "I want to help Stacy to be a mother"

Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because we killed the one who had a dream.
Happy MLK day

Three guys go on a ski trip...

...they arrive at the hotel only to find out that there is only one room available, and it has only one bed. They have a great day skiing and then go to sleep. The next day, they wake up. The guy on the left says "I had a dream that this beautiful woman was giving me the best handjob of my life!" The guy on the right says "I had the same dream!" The guy in the middle says "I had a dream I was skiing!"

Maybe the Titanic really was a ship of dreams...

and its dream was to be a submarine.

I took my wife to the beach today and now she's mad at me. I thought she wanted to watch me drop frozen waffles along the shore and trick a bunch of communists into eating them.

After all, I could've sworn she said her dream was to see the sandy Eggo commie con.

Why do black men have nightmares?

We killed the only one who had a dream.

3 friends are sharing one bed in a motel room

As they're waking up in the morning, the friend on the left says, "Man, I had the best dream last night that I was getting a hand job!" The friend on the right says, "That's crazy! I had the exact same dream!" Then the friend in the middle says, "Really?! I had a dream I was skiing".

Why does no other nation have the **American Dream**?

Because the rest of the world is awake!

Noone actually dreams in color.

It's just a pigment of your imagination.

a teacher asks students

Teacher asks students to tell about their dreams, one of them raises his hands and says: 'my dream is to get 100 thousands dollars monthly like my father'.
teacher got shocked, 'does your father get 100 thousands dollars monthly?' teacher says.
student replies: 'no, my father dreams too'.

(sorry for my English)

Stalin appears in Putin's dream...

Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country.

Stalin says "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" Putin asks.

"Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."

Three guys in a bed....

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Why do African Americans always have nightmares?

Because the last one to have a dream got shot

A guy finally buys his dream car

... And on his first day of owning it, he gets caught speeding down the highway.

Pulling over, the officer walks up to the window and says "Son, I've been a cop for over 30 years, I've heard every excuse there is. If you come up with a new one I'll let you off with a warning."

The driver says "Well, to be honest sir, my wife recently left me for a state trooper, and when I saw your car, I was scared you were bringing her back."

If you see a toilet in your dream, do not use it.

It's a trap.

[NSFW] Three guys go to a ski lodge. There aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed for the night.

In the morning, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "Last night I had the wildest, most vivid dream that I was getting a handjob!"

 


The guy on the left wakes up and says, "That's incredible. I had the excact same dream!"

 

The guy in the middle wakes up last and says, "Boy, I'm really excited to hit the slopes. Last night I had the most realistic dream that I was skiing!"

I keep having this recurring dream about a horse wearing a suit of armor

Actually, it may be more of a knight mare.

I spent all day bobbing up and down in the water

It's been my dream ever since I was a little buoy.

I'm proud to announce my dream of being a criminal lawyer is halfway complete!

I'm just working on the lawyer part right now.

I dreamt I was making a salad.

I was tossing all night.

Why don't black people dream?

Because the last guy who had a dream got shot

A guy, arriving at the hotel in his dream vacation, sends his wife an SMS but he accidentally mistyped her number...

...the text went to a widow, which had just attended to her husband funeral.

When she read the message she instantly passed out. Here's the message:

"Hey, babe, this place is so peaceful. You're coming next week, I just made your reservation. I miss you so much. Bring light clothes cause the temperature here is hellish. Xoxo"

I've always dreamed of swimming in an ocean of orange soda

Its a fanta-sea of mine

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley

Thanks to months of therapy, I'm finally battling my Damons.

Can a Mongolian make you laugh?

Genghis Kahn.

(No idea if this is an old joke or not. I told it in a dream I had last night so I'm claiming as original).

Redneck boy meets his dream girl!

A young boy comes home to his father one day after school.

"Dad, I met the most INCREDIBLE girl in the world today. She's smart, she's beautiful, AND she's funny."

Dad pats his son on the back and walks him into the kitchen, "That's great, son. I'm proud of you for finding someone you like so much."

"That's not the best part, Dad. She's a VIRGIN."

At this point the father slams his hand down on the counter, "I forbid this relationship, son. I never want you to see this girl again. And if I find out you do, I'm going to give you the biggest whooping you ever had."

Tears stream down the son's face, "But, Dad, WHY? She's amazing and she likes me!"

"Well, son. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

3 guys are sleeping in a bed

the next morning the one sleeping on the right side of the bed said "I had this awsome dream that i was getting a handjob." The guy sleeping on the left side said "Really? I had a dream i was getting a handjob too." The guy that was sleeping in the middle said "idk about you guys, but i had a dream i was skiing"

Talking about the American Dream in a college class and the prof asks:

To a student from Germany, "Is there a Germany Dream?" He responded, "There was, but no one liked it."

Dreams.

3 guys are camping, and after a night of drinks & laughs around the fire, they climb into their tent and fall asleep side by side.

The next morning, the guy on the left wakes up smiling. "I had a dream I was getting jerked off all night by a supermodel!"

The guy on the right chimes in. "Me too, but it was my hot neighbour!"

The guy in the middle looks a bit dejected. "Lucky bastards. I just dreamed I was skiing."

Three guys go to a ski lodge...

and there aren't enough rooms, so they end up sharing a bed.

In the morning the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamt I was skiing!"

Handjob

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

I had a dream in which my favorite pornstar died.

I woke up with mourning wood.

A man finally got engaged to his dream woman. Eager to show off his new fiance, he took her to his home town.

Upon arrival, he approached his mother and said, I'm going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance.

Sure enough, twenty minutes later, the man walked in the door with three girls following behind him.

Without a moment's hesitation the mother pointed to the man's fiance and said, It's that one.

Wow! exclaimed the man. How in the world did you know it was her?

The mother shrugged, I just don't like her.

Three guys on a road trip.

It's late at night and they need a place to sleep. The only hotel that has a room has one double bed. So, they take it. In the night, the guy on one side wakes up, saying "I just had the most vivid dream that I was getting a handjob". The guy on the other side wakes and says "me too!" The guy in the middle wakes up and says "I just dreamed I was skiing".

My old best friend ran off years ago to pursue his dream of becoming a mime...

I haven't heard from him since.

The "American Dream" was discussed in class the other day...

... the professor turned to the German foreign exchange student and asked if they had anything like that in Germany to which he responded,

"We did, but nobody liked it."

I asked my boss if I could come in to work late today

He said Dream on I thought that was really nice of him!

"We're going to be together for the rest of our lives!" smiled my wife as we flew on our dream vacation to Hawaii...

"You seem pretty sure of yourself." I replied.

"I am!" she said, gazing out the window. "The left wing's fallen off and the engine's on fire."

I had a terrible dream of a dystopian future where robots controlled every aspect of our lives.

Luckily, I was awakened by my Tesla.

More grandfather jokes.

I've seen a few people posting their grandfather's jokes here recently. Mine is in the hospital right now recovering from heart surgery, so I figured I'd share a few he told me.

There was a Mexican man who was a huge baseball fan. It was his dream in life just to be in the stands at a World Series game. So, he saves up for years, travels to the US, but when he gets there he finds that the game is sold out. He tells his story to a ticket agent, who is sympathetic.

"Here's what I can do for you. I can sneak you in, but the only place you'll be able to sit is on top of the flag pole. I have to warn you, though, the view is awful." The Mexican man agrees, excited at the opportunity to even see the game.

After it ends, the Mexican man goes and finds the ticket agent, and thanks him profusely.

"This has been the best day of my life! Everyone in the stadium was so friendly! Right before the game started, everyone turned to me and asked, Jose, can you see?"

What are the funniest dream jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Dream? Well, here are the best Dream puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Dream pick up lines to share with friends.

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