Draws Jokes
97 draws jokes and hilarious draws puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about draws that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Draws Short Jokes
Short draws jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The draws humour may include short drawn jokes also.
- A man arrived to a Duel with only a pen and a piece of paper He proceeded to draw his weapon
- Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body. I gave her a shoulder to crayon.
- The Artist I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book. The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd.
- My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture. Wow thanks I'm cured.
- What has the head of a dog, the body of a pig, and the legs of a spider? My daughter's drawing of a snake.
- My wife has been penciling in her eyebrows lately… I think that she draws them a little high, so I told her. She just looked at me surprised
- What do you call a Norse god who doesn't draw much attention to themselves? Low Key.......!
- I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics. But graphing is where I draw the line!
- I once knew a bald guy who liked to draw rabbits on his head but from a distance they looked like hares
- I had a friend who used to draw on her eyebrows. One day, she accidentally drew them to high. When I told her, she looked surprised.
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Draws One Liners
Which draws one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with draws? I can suggest the ones about drew and drawing pictures.
- Why do North Koreans draw line so well? They have a Supreme Ruler.
- Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines? Because they have a supreme ruler
- Look, I'm all for coloring books... but connect-the-dots? That's where I draw the line.
- I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high... She looked surprised.
- Does anyone know how to draw a very realistic bullet? Because I'm drawing a blank.
- What do you call a woman who can't draw? Tracy
- I'll do Algebra, even put up with Trigonometry But Graphing is where I draw the line
- How do you draw the most realistic fish? It must be drawn to scale.
- What do you call a chicken's sidewalk drawing? A chalk-a-doodle-do!
(Cr - I watched a soccer game that ended in a 1-1 draw... No 1-1
- I don't trust people who can draw... They all seem kinda sketchy.
- New drinking game! Draw a card. If it's black take a shot. I call it the Ferguson
- How do you make your wife scream after s**...? Wipe your d**... on the curtain.
- I drink alcohol without hesitation, but drugs, …drugs is where I draw the line.
- I went to an art contest recently... It ended in a draw.
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Draws Jokes
What funny jokes about draws you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean drawing art jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make draws pranks.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek.
Einstein counts down while the two hide. Pascal immediately runs for it, but Newton just draws a square around himself and stands there.
As he turns around he proclaims "Found you, Newton!"
"No, you found one Newton on a square-metre. You found Pascal."
A panda walks into a cáfe.
He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and unloads it into the ceiling.
Why? Asks the confused waiter, as the panda starts leaving. He tosses a wildlife manual over his shoulder.
I'm a panda, he says at the door, look it up.
The waiter flips to the page about pandas, and it says, Panda. Large black and white bear-like animal native to China. Eats, Shoots, and leaves
Credits: Eats, Shoots, and Leaves
Best knock knock joke ever..
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Best knock knock joke ever.
Three brothers age 92,94 and 96 live in a
house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath,puts his
foot in and pauses.He yells down the stairs,
"Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back,"I don't know,I'll come
up and see."He starts up the stairs and pauses,
then he yells,"Was l going up the stairs or
coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table
having coffee listening to his brothers.He shakes
his head and says,"I sure hope I never get that
forgetful."He knocks on wood for good luck.He
then yells,"I'lI come up and help both of you as
soon as l see who's at the door."
Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek
Einstein starts counting and Pascal runs off and hides, but Isaac Newton just stands in front of him and draws a square on the ground. When Einstein opens his eyes he says I found you Isaac , but Isaac Newton responds no you found a Newton over a square - you found Pascal!
A theologian, a physicist and a mathematician
A theologian, a mathematician and a physicist are standing on top of a burning five-story building. The only way to escape would be to jump into the pool at the back of the house. The theologian shouts: "God will save me", jumps, and hits the ground two meters beside the pool. He is instantly dead. The physicist kneels on the roof, draws some figures and numbers into the dust, jumps and lands exactly in the middle of the pool. The mathematician speaks to himself: "I can do that too", fumbles his notepad out of his pocket, does some calculations, jumps and flies up into the sky. What happened?
Sign error.
Einstein, Tesla, Newton, and Pascal are all playing Hide 'N Seek
It is Einstein's turn to be it. So he covers his eyes and slowly counts to 20.
Tesla climbs up a tree, Pascal jumps behind a bush, and Newton stands right where he is and draws a 1m x 1m square around him.
"...eighteen, nineteen, twenty! Ready or not, here I come!" exclaims Einstein. Of course, Newton is the first person he sees so he tags him. "Gotcha, Newton!"
To which Newton responds, "Nope. Pascal!"
So it's little Johnny's turn to present for show and tell...
So it's little Johnny's turn to present for show and tell. He goes up to the chalkboard and draws a period. The teacher then asks "What is so special about a period?" Little Johnny replies "I don't know, but when my sister said she missed hers my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the neighbor shot himself!"
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.
Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"
The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."
Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.
But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a 1 meter x 1 meter square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!"
Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Pascal!"
Three men line up to show off their skills at archery
They are to shoot off the apple off of a young boy's head. The first one draws his arrow back, shoots, hits the apple clean off of the boy's head, and says, "I am Robin Hood!". The second one draws his arrow back, shoots, hits the apple of the boy's head, and says, "I am William Tell!". The third one draws his arrow back, shoots, hits the poor boy in the skull, who then proceeds to drop dead. The archer looks at what he has done, takes off his hat, and whispers, "I am sorry."
A trucker and a blonde.
A trucker is driving down a busy highway when he is abruptly cut off by a blonde woman in her car. Tired and grumpy from driving all day, he quickly pulls along side of the woman's car and forces her to stop on the shoulder of the highway. The trucker and the woman get out of their vehicles. The trucker takes a rock and draws a circle around the blonde.
"Don't you dare set foot outside this circle," the trucker orders.
He walks over to the blondes car and keys the side of it. When he returns, the woman is standing in her circle giggling. This angers the trucker even more. He proceeds to grab a bat out of his semi and smash the mirrors off the woman's car. When the trucker returns to the woman, she is still standing in her circle laughing. Enraged, the trucker takes a gas tank out of his semi, douses the woman's car in gas, and sets it on fire. The woman bursts into hysteria.
"I just totaled your car!! What is so funny?!" The trucker shouts.
The blonde replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
The legend of Sorry the archer.
An archery contest is taking place, and all the top archers of Europe are in attendance. The final begins, and the three greatest archers must compete in shooting an apple from a little girls head.
The first archer steps up. He draws, and fires an arrow right through the apple. The audience applauds, he bows and proclaims "I am Robin Hood!"
The second archer steps up. He draws, and also hits the apple. He waves his hat at the cheering crowd, and cries out "I am William Tell."
The third archer steps up. He draws, and fires his arrow through the little girls eye. Blood sprays everywhere, the audience gasps and ladies faint. He takes his hat off, and announces "I am Sorry".
The Incredible Golf Ball...:
Two Golfers were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it." His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!" The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it." Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?" The man replies, "I found it." (Think about it ... it'll come to you :)
h**... captures 5 Jews
In a concentration camp h**... catches 5 Jews and asks the first one :
~ How many meters high can you jump?
~ 1 meter, he answered as he was trembling.
h**... gives him one loaf of bread and asks the same question to the second Jew.
~ 2 meters...replies the second Jew.
h**... gives two loaves of bread and asks the same question to the third Jew.
~ 3 meters! responds quickly the third Jew.
h**... draws his gun and blows his minds in air. Now the Jews concerned ask him:
~ Well, why you killed him?
And h**... replies:
~ He can jump over the fence!
A physics Joke
So Einstein, Pascal and Newton are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting while Newton and Pascal hide. Pascal runs off and hides while Newton doesn't move an inch. Instead, he draws a square around himself in the dirt.
After Einstein finishes counting, he opens his eyes and says, "Found you Newton! That was easy"
Newton says; "No you didn't. You found Pascal"
He points down to the square in the dirt. "One Newton per meter squared"
A man took a woman out for dinner...
but she didn't speak a word of English. They were having a great time, though, feeding each other, flirting, touching and giggling. After the meal is over, the woman draws a picture of a bed on a napkin and gives a sly wink. The man still can't figure out how she knew he was in the furniture business.
The comments in another thread were slamming Readers Digest jokes, and that's where this one came from.
Two guys are sitting in a jail cell
The first guy says, "What're you here for?"
The second guy say, "Breaking and entering. How about you?"
The first guy draws a deep breath. "Well, there's a story there. I was at a club, having a great time. They played 'The Twist', so I Twisted. Then they played 'Jump', so I Jumped."
"Yeah? So?"
"Then they played 'Come on Eileen' ..."
Two men walk out of a bar, both are drunk and ready to fight!
One draws a line in the dirt and says to the other man, "If you cross this line i will punch you!"
That was the punchline.
Newton and Pascal play Hide and Seek
So Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek with some other kids. When they go off to hide Newton draws a metre square around him. Another person spots him and says, "I found you Newton!" and Newton says "I'm a Newton over a metre squared so I'm a Pascal!".
Totally Nerdy Joke: Einstein, Newton, and Pascal playing hide and seek
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek. It's einstein's turn to count. Pascal runs away and hides under some bushes. Newton draws a large box in the dirt and stands inside it. Einstein finishes counting, sees Newton and declares "Aha! Newton, I found you!" Newton replies "No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal."
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek...
Einstein is seeking, so Pascal runs to go hide. Newton stays where he is and draws a 1 meter by 1 meter square in the dirt and stands in the middle of it. Einstein turns around and immediately spots Newton. "Newton!" he exclaims "I found you!"
Newton smiles and replies "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"
Your hair smells nice.
A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't take it any longer.
The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a s**... harassment suit against the man and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, what's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies, "He's a midget."
s**........
Daddy is digging in the flower bed when little seven-yr-old Alice comes running out of the house, shouting, "Daddy, what's s**...?"
He slowly drops his s**..., straightens up and draws a deep breath. "Well, darling, it's like this... " he says, and starts rather reluctantly, giving a long and careful explanation of the ins and outs of the whole thing.
After about ten minutes he asks if she has understood. She nods silently. He then asks her why she so suddenly asked this question. "Oh, Mummy said to tell you that lunch will be ready in two secs", she replies.
Confessions of a newly wed.
On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn't sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she's been able to cover up.
After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, I have a confession.
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, Darling, so do I.
Recoiling, he says, Don't tell me - you've eaten my socks.
Little Johnny makes class awkward again
Teacher asks kids to come up and draw something that is important in their lives. First kids goes up to the board and draws a firetruck and explains his dad is a firefighter. Next kid goes up and draws a skateboard and explains he loves to skateboard and wants to be like Tony Hawk. Little Johnny goes up to the board and draws a little dot on the board. Teacher asks him what it is. "It's a period." Teacher asks why it's important. "Well, my sister missed one and my whole family is excited."
Einstein, Sir Issac Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seem
Pascal, Sir Issac Newton and Einstein are playing hide and seek and its Einstein's turn to seek so he turns around and starts counting and Pascal runs off and hides, but Newton only takes a few steps, stops and draws a one meter by one meter box around him. Einstein finishes counting and turns around and says "Newton I found you!" Newton responds by saying "No Einstein you found a Newton over one square meter, you found Pascal!"
Einstein, Newton & Pascal are playing hide and seek
Einstein starts counting "1...2...3..." and Pascal immediately runs away to hide. Instead of hiding Newton knees down and draws a square of one meter side length. Then he steps inside of it. Einstein finishes counting and turns around. He instantly yells "Newton I have found you!" But Newton replies: "No, what you see is one Newton over one square meter - so what you have found is one Pascal."
Einstein, Pascal, and Newton are playing hide and seek...
Einstein volunteers to be it so he closes his eyes and counts to 30. As he is counting, Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton draws a square (1x1 metre) and stands inside it. Einstein finishes counting and turns around and sees Newton. He says, "Newton, you're it. I found you." But then Newton says, "No, you found one Newton over a square metre; therefore, you've found Pascal!"
The teacher asks all the students to draw something on the board that's exciting...
All the other kids draw rockets, jet planes, roller coasters, and so on. But little Johnny goes up to the board, draws a dot, and sits down.
The teacher says "Johnny, there's nothing exciting about a dot. How can a dot cause excitement?"
Johnny replies "That's not a dot, it's a period, and my sister just missed hers, and it's causing a lot of excitement at our house!"
Nerd joke.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims Newton! I found you! You're it! Newton replies You didn't find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!
Newton, Einstein and Pascal are playing hide and seek...
Einstein is it and starts counting. Pascal immediately runs off and hides. Newton just stands there and draws a 1 meter by 1 meter square and sits there waiting for Einstein to finish counting. When Einstein finishes counting, he immediately sees Newton, exclaiming, "You're it!" Newton only smiles and says, "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"
A monk was walking home one night...
A monk was walking home one night, and to get home, he has to walk down a dark alleyway. He walks down the alleyway, and out of the shadows comes a hooded man, the man draws a knife on the monk. He says "Empty your pockets, give me everything". The monk looks at the man, and the proceeds to pull a gun from underneath his robes and then point the gun at his attacker. The attacker says "What?!? Why do you have a gun?!? I thought monks were about inner peace". The monk replies "Yes, this is my inner piece".
Asked an artist how he draws women so well.
He says "I have a day job."
An Artist Gets Mugged...
He goes to the police and draws them a picture.
The policeman says "That's a good picture, we could nail the guy with that."
"I dunno.." Says the rookie besides him. "It seems a bit sketchy."
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, Was I getting in or out of the bath?
The 94-year-old yells back, I don't know.
I'll come up and see. She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, I sure hope I never get that forgetful.
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies, I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.
Physics Joke
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are all hanging out and bored so they decide to play hide and go seek. Einstein decides to count first, and as they are counting Pascal leaves to hide in a bush. Newton on the other hand draws a box under himself and just stands there. When Einstein is done counting he walks up to Newton and is like,"Newton, you're not even hiding". Newton then says,"Ah, but you found Newtons over meters squared! You found a Pascal!!".
The fashion of the present draws from the past...
Jesus slippers and Samurai top knots
A mathematician is paying for his groceries...
A mathmatician is paying for his groceries and the cashier asks for him to write his signature. He draws a single wave on the pad. When he sees the cashiers' confused look he says, "What? it says 'sign here'."
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek.
Einstein, the seeker, turns around and begins his count to 50. Pascal immediately runs off. Newton, however, takes a marker and draws a meter-by-meter square on the ground. When Einstein finishes his count, he turns around and sees Newton standing in his square. When Einstein exclaims that he found Newton, Newton responds with, "No, one Newton over a square meter is a pascal!"
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and go seek.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. it's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.Pascle runs off and hides. Newton draws a one metre by one metre square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims "Newton! i found you! You are it!"
Newton Smiles and says "You didn't find me, you found a newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"
Three samurai warriors where discussing who was the master of the sword...
As the debate heated up a fly is flying around the room.
The first samurai quickly draws his sword and chops it in two, the other two are not impressed. Another fly enters the room. The second samurai even faster than the first swing his sword and chops the wings off and the fly continues on. A third fly unfortunately finds its way in the room. Quick as lightning the third samurai draws his sword and swings. The fly continues on its way as if nothing happened. The other samurais starts laughing. With quiet dignity he puts his sword away and turns to the and says.
"Laugh all you will, but that fly will never be a dad again."
Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek
Einstein is counting down while Newton and Pascal are trying to hide. Pascal jumps into the bushes and Newton walks a few steps, picks up a stick, draws a square on the ground and just stands there. Einstein turns around and instantly spots Newton.
- Found you Newton, you lose!
- Now wait a minute good sir, can't you see what I drew below me? I am a Newton on a square meter so technically you found Pascal.
A man is scouring through his house
He's looking under his couch. He couldn't find it. He looks in his bedroom draws and under his bed. Still couldn't find it. He checks his car, front and back. He looks under the seats and no matter how hard he tries but he still can't find it. He looks through the bathroom and even in his wife's purse and still no luck finding it. His wife wakes up due to all of the noise. She says, "Honey, what are you looking for?" He responds "The punchline to this joke!"
Two guys stumble out of a bar on night to fight.
The first man draws a line in the dirt and says " if you cross this line i'll punch you"
That was the punch line.
If someone draws pictures of Eminem for a living.
Are they a professional martial artist?
A farmer, an engineer, and a mathematician are building a fence...
The farmer, drawing from his years of farming experience, tells the others about how much wood and materials they'll need to build the pin for his sheep to graze.
The engineer, determined to find the exact amount of materials to build the fence, draws up a series of complex equations and calculates the perfect amount of materials to build the perfect pin for the farmers sheep.
The mathematician, however, has already gathered all the materials he needs and says to the others I've got both of you beat
He proceeds to build a fence in a very tight circle around himself and when he's done he says
I define myself as being outside of this fence
I think the voice AI on my graphics tablet is broken
I say "c**...-a-doodle-do" and it draws me a dirty picture
Did you hear about the artist who only draws pictures of large crowds staring at her?
She's been drawing a lot of attention.
A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins
A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins.
They start arguing what they should take and what they should give to God.
The Christian draws a circle and says, We throw the coins into he air, and whatever lands in the circle, we keep.
The Muslim says, No no no. Whatever lands outside the circle we keep.
The Jew says, How about we throw it in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps, and whatever falls to the ground we keep.
What do you call someone that draws Mongol leaders for a living?
A Khan Artist
An engineer, a lawyer and an accountant are at a job interview
The interviewer asked, what's 1 + 1.
The engineer draws up a plan and does some measurements and says. It appears that 1 + 1 is 2 .
The lawyer takes out his law book, checks all the rules then says according to the law, 1 + 1 is 2 .
The accountant takes out his book and calculator. Does a few calculations then whispers to the interviewer, What do you want the number to be?
Nice Smelling Hair!
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR.
Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a s**... harassment suit against him.
The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's s**... threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek, with Einstein seeking. As he counts down, Pascal goes and hides in the bushes but Newton stands in front of him, takes out a piece of chalk, and draws a square around himself on the ground. When Einstein reaches 0, he looks up and sees Newton and declares, "I've found Newton!"
Newton replies, "No you haven't. You've found one Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face.
That was the punch line.
Friends are making visual puns
One draws a box with an x on it
"its obviously xbox"
Another draws a station with play on it
"of course its playstation"
Another one draws two people with arrows pointing to eachother with one having nintendo on his shirt.
"its nintendo switch"
Finally one draws a girl with multicolored hair.
"its pc"
Your friend Mark draws on your word.
Mark, my word!
3 Mountain Men Are Sitting in a Bar Trying to decide What to Name Their Newly Settled Land
They throw all the letters of the alphabet into a hat and draw them out one at at a time.
The first draws, "'C', eh."
The second, "'N', eh."
The third, "'D', eh."
My friend draws beautiful n**..., starting from the feet, up. They're amazing art but he always throws them all away...
I think it's 'cuz he always finishes on the faces.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek.
It's Einstein's turn to be it.
Pascal is nowhere to be found, but Newton draws a 1m X 1m square right in front of Einstein and stands in its centre.
Einstein says, Newton, you're terrible! I found you right away!
Newton replies, No, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!
Newton, Einstein and Pascal meet in Heaven.
They're bored, so Einstein suggests they play hide and seek. Einstein starts counting to 10. Pascal runs to find a good hiding spot, Newton on the other hand stays in place. He draws a 1 meter by 1 meter square with chalk on the ground and stands in it. Einstein finished counting, turns around, notices Newton and says: Ha, gotcha Newton! , but Newton just replies: Nah man, you got Pascal.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl.
One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
That was the punchline.
A panda walks into a cafe...
A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.
"Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit.
The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. "Well, I'm a panda," he says. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. **Eats, shoots and leaves.**"
\* Stolen from Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation
A zoo's only gorilla dies...
so the zookeeper hires an actor to wear a gorilla costume until the zoo can get another one.
In the gorilla pen the actor makes faces, beats his chest, swings around, and soon draws a huge crowd. Encouraged, he then crawls atop a beam across the lion's enclosure, taunting the animal below. But, in horror, he lost his grip, falling into the lion's cage.
Terrified, the actor shouts, Help! Help me! Too late. The lion pounces, opens its massive jaws, and whispers urgently, Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!
Man: Why do I have to do it myself? I've donated blood before and a nurse draws it.
Receptionist: Yes sir, but this is a s**... bank, it doesn't work like that here.
Why can't you crack death jokes near an ECG machine?
Because ECG draws a line there
Sonny and Cher are playing scrabble. Sonny draws a tile out of the bag and Cher asks him what he picked.
He replies "I've got U babe"
A panda walks into a bar...
A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"I'm a panda," he says, at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.
"Panda: Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."
Little Johnny is in school and they have show and tell.
The teacher asks the class to tell about something that happened in their family recently. When it is Johnny's turn. he walks to the board and draws two periods ". ." The teacher asks him to explain. He says"My sister missed these and my parents are real upset."
The Psychiatrist
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist draws a circle and shows it to him.
"What's this?" asks the psychiatrist.
"A t**...," says the guy.
The psychiatrist then draws a square.
"What's this?
"It's a t**...," says the guy.
The psychiatrist then draws a triangle and shows it to the guy.
"So, what do you think this is?"
"It's a t**...!" yells the guy.
"Sir, I'm afraid you have serious s**... issues," says the psychiatrist.
"I have issues? What about you? You keep drawing t**...!"
A German man on his first trip to America decides to see New York City.
As he's wandering around the smell of corned beef and fresh baked rye bread draws him into a Kosher deli. The man sits at the counter, eyes the menu and says, "I vood like to try ze bagel and ze lox." In a thick accent.
On his first bite he's throughly enjoying his food and pipes up to the guy behind the counter, "Zis is voonderbar! Zey do not have food like zis vere I am from."
In a heavy Brooklyn accent the guy behind the counter replies, "Now whose fault is that?"
A man goes to a psychiatrist for an evaluation
So the psychiatrist draws a horizontal line and asks him what that reminds him of. "A n**... woman" he replies. So he draws a vertical line. "And this?" he asks "A n**... woman." Doctor then draws an X and asks the same question. "Two people having s**...." comes the answer. "Hmmmmm" goes the doctor. "It seems you have obsession with s**...." he speculates.
"Me?" answers the shocked man. "Who drew all this filth?"
A teacher teaches class on drug a**...
He walks into the classroom, draws a big circle and a small circle on the blackboard and asks: What are these?
As nobody answers, he says: The big circle is your eye pupil, when you're clean, and the small circle is your eye pupil, when you're high! If the police see this, they put you in jail…
Then he proceeds to draw a small circle and a big circle and asks: What are these? . Nobody answers…
He points to the small circle and says: This is your a**..., before you go to jail….
A gangster approaches someone that has information and draws a gun on him.
"Okay, here's how it works," the gangster said. "You have information, and I want that information. So when I ask a question, you answer truthfully, and you may walk out of here alive."
"Ok, shoot" the man at gunpoint said.
In an attempt to break his addiction...
In an attempt to break his addiction, a chronic masturbator decides to buy a whiteboard and start tallying the days since he last j**... off. After a successful day, the man grabs a marker and draws two tallies, but realizing it had only been one day, he takes his hand and rubs one out.
My friend's eyebrows
I told my friend she draws her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
A rural country man is visiting a prestigious college in the big city for the first time.
He's a little lost, so he flags down a passing student and asks, "'Scuse me, could y'all tell me where the library's at?"
The student draws himself up in a huff, and answers haughtily, "I'll have you know that I am an English major with a 4.0 GPA, and I absolutely refuse to answer a question that ends in a preposition!"
The country man thinks for a moment. "OK, then. Could y'all tell me where the library's at, *a**...?"*
Newton, Pascal and Einstein are playing hide and seek
Einstein starts to count.
Pascal runs off and hides in a bush, while Newton draws a square on the ground and steps into it.
Einstein finishes counting, turns around and sees Newton, "Ha, I have found you Newton!"
Newton however replies, "Nope. One Newton on one square meter is equal to one Pascal."
The street magician
A street magician pulls out a deck of cards and asks a bystander to pick a card and memorize it. The magician then draws a card facing away so he can't see it and has his participant memorize that too. He shuffles the deck, cuts it, and pulls the card on top and asks "Is this your card?" The amazed participant replies "yes!" So the magician pulls the card on the bottom and asks "is this my card?" To which a now confused participant says "No, that's just a picture of... My coat?" The magician responds
"Oh s**... I did it wrong. That's your cardigan"
What do you call the trained medical personnel who draws blood at the hospital?
Nurse Feratu
2 newfies go fishing
So they go to the local marina and rent a small boat. After trying several spots they find a good spot and land many nice fish.
The guy in the front says to his buddy:
" This is a great spot, we should mark it"
So his pal pulls a sharpie marker out of his coat and draws a big X on the bottom of the boat.
"That ain't gonna work, siily" says the guy in the bow.
"Why not?" Asks the other guy. Bow guy responds:
"We might not get the same boat next time"
Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together
Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together.
It's Einstein's turn to count, and he closes his eyes. After counting to 10, Pascal runs away and hides.
Newton, on the other hand, very calmly draws a square on the ground, 1 meter on each side, in front of the place that Einstein counted, and goes to the middle of it and starts to wait.
When Einstein reaches 10, he opens his eyes and immediately says, "Newton, I found you!!" he shouts.
Newton smiles and says calmly: "You didn't find me, you found Newton per square meter. So you found Pascal."
