Drawer Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I gently slid her panties to the side...

....so I could fit her socks into the drawer

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

Three nuns are gossiping about a priest.

The first nun said, "I was going through father's desk and found pornographic magazines in his drawer."

The second nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"

"I burned them."

The second nun then said, "I was going through father's drawers and found a box of condoms."

The first nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"

"I poked holes in them."

The third nun fainted.

Can't Hold a Job

Bubba thought his new girlfriend might be the
one but after looking through her knicker drawer
and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's
outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally
decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him

A blonde walks in on her husband cheating on her

Sobbing uncontrollably, she pulls out the gun from the drawer and puts the barrel under her chin.

"No, honey! Don't! I'm sorry; don't leave me alone with the kids!"

Glaring through her tears, the blonde yells:

"Oh, don't worry. You're going to be next."

Three nuns were talking about their chores...

Three nuns were talking about their chores. The first nun says: "I was putting away father's laundry, when i found some pornographic magazines in his drawer!"

"So what did you do?" The second nun asks.

"I threw them away." The first nun replies.

The second nun scoffs and says she can top that. "When I was making father's bed, I found some condoms underneath his pillow!"

"So what did you do?" The first nun asks.

"I poked holes in all of them!" The second nun exclaims.

The third nun fainted.

A guy starts his first day at a bakery...

The boss says, "We're a healthy, whole-food bakery, so we put vegetables in every type of bread that we make." He shows the new guy to the back room, where there are rows of file cabinets with pictures of vegetables on them.

"Here's where we keep the carrot dough," the boss says, opening a file drawer with a picture of a carrot on it. "And here's the zucchini dough."

"But what's this one with the picture of Kevin Spacey on it?" The new guy asks.

"Oh," the boss responds, "That's the pea dough file."

A man walks into a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

A woman is cleaning out her husband's bedside table...

...and when she gets to the bottom drawer she finds 3 eggs and $3,458.

Confused, she asks her husband about it. He sighs, then says sadly, "You'd better sit down."

She sits, looking anxious. "We've been married for over 30 years", he starts, "and in that time, I've... well I've been unfaithful."

There's an awkward pause, then with tears in her eyes she asks, "What does that have to do with the eggs?" "Well," he explains "whenever I was unfaithful, I put an egg in the drawer."

"Well three times isn't that bad in 30 years, but what about the money?"

"Oh." the husband says, "Whenever I had a dozen eggs, I sold them."

Where do geneticists store vegetables?

In the CRISPR drawer

Three nuns are talking after having cleaned the priest's desk.

The first one says "I found nude pictures on his desk so I tore them".

The second one says "good for you sister. I found condoms in his drawer so I put holes in them".

The third nun fainted.

My wife began reading 'The Exorcist'.

She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it over to the beach and threw it into the ocean off a fishing pier.

I went and bought another copy, ran the faucet over it and left it in the night table drawer by her bed. That night was the first time she ever screamed and fainted.

i asked my wife to send me a naughty picture on snapchat...

so she sent one of our kids playing in my electronics drawer

Barber's Joke today

A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber gets him lathered, he mentions he can't get a close shave on his cheeks.

"I have just the thing" the barber takes a small wooden ball from a small drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum"
The customer places the ball in his cheek and gets the closest shave he has ever experienced.

After the shave, the customer asks in garbled speech "what if I swallow it?" "Not a problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else"

Who's This Guy

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

[Blonde] A blonde comes home early and finds her husband with another girl...

...so she runs out of the room and the husband follows her. She gets to the kitchen and grabs a gun from the drawer and points it at her head. The husband starts crying as tells her, "Wait don't do it I still love you it was just a mistake!" The blonde replies, "Shut up you're next!"

I slide her panties to the side

So I could fit her socks in the drawer.

Condom

Many years ago

Just before leaving to meet my first real girlfriend,
My Dad pulled me into his bedroom,
He opened his bedside drawer and handed me a condom.
With a wink he said, 'Take care, Son, I'm proud of you'

To this day I'm not sure what was worse:

My Dad's knowledge and pride in what I was about to do,
or
Having used a condom that was intended for my Mother.

When I was a toddler, my Italian mother caught me in her study.

I'd gotten into a drawer full of Greek plays. She walked in to catch me tearing Hippolytus in half. I'd done the same to others as well. The Bacchae, Heracles, Madea. As I stood there, happily shredding what had to be a 120 year old text, she began flailing and screaming.

"My a-beautiful boy, why? Why-a Euripides?"

A man goes to a barber for a shave

While the barber is lathering him up, the man admits to having a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.


''Here, try this'', says the barber, pulling a small wooden ball from a drawer. '' Place the ball between your right cheek and gum and I'll show you how close a shave can be.''


The man does so and the barber shaves away.


''Wow,'' exclaims the man, ''that is great!'' He then asks with a muffled voice, ''What happens if I accidentally swallow the ball?''


''No problems,'' replies the barber. ''Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.''

Where do you keep genetically modified vegetables that cure cancer?

In the CRISPR drawer.

A man has an option to turn into any object in the universe, he chose a butter knife.

He wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer...

My dog got into my sock drawer today...

I had to re-pair all my socks.

I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model...

I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.

I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.

what did the ram say when his mom found drugs in his dresser drawer?

I learned it from watching ewe!

What's the difference between a kid and a drawer?

A drawer won't scream when I force my junk into it.

Topical Jokes for 9/5/14

(for best results, imagine these being read by your favorite late night host)

In Oregon, a veterinarian discovered 43 socks in a Great Dane's stomach. The dog was taken to the vet when the owner wanted to find out why his sock drawer was growling.

To ward off evil spirits, a woman in India has married a stray dog. The woman's biggest complaint about being married to a dog β€” is everything.

A new study has determined that wearing a bra, does not cause breast cancer. The study did find that going without a bra, causes cancer of the eyes.

Eminemn has been entered into the Guinness Book of World Records by having nearly 1,500 words in the song Rap God. And only 700 of those were the f-word.

The World Health Organization announced that doctors should use the blood of Ebola survivors to treat other patients. This was in response to the question, What's the best way to spread the Ebola virus?

(Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed 'em)

The worst moment in a child's life....

"Mum, the TV remote needs new batteries. Where can I find some?"

"Check the top drawer in my bedroom, there should be some in there."

How do Asians name their babies?

They throw a drawer of silverware down the stairs and name it whatever sound it makes.

A chemist puts his money in a drawer and goes to sleep. The next day, he finds all his money has disappeared. Why?

Because the drawer also had antimony.

My best friend is a good drawer, but he's pretty shelf-ish

*cringe*

There is so much dust on that drawer that if you sneeze on it

mattress will fall out.

What are the funniest drawer jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Drawer? Well, here are the best Drawer puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Drawer pick up lines to share with friends.

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