Drank Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Milk

Me: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier

Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk

Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

Sperm bank employee: Oh no

Me: What

Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk


i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

I was in a pub...

I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day

I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.

Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..

A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on

He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it.

Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!"

Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much..."

Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

There is nothing wrong with drinking while pregnant...

...my wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth while drinking coffee?

Because he drank it before it was cool

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.

And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.

A little known fact...

Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.

I went to the liquor store on my bike the other day to get some vodka

But I was afraid that I would fall of my bike on my way home and break the bottle, so I drank the entire bottle before I went home. Which ended up being a good thing since I fell of my bike 7 times on my way home

A Vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and takes a seat at the bar. When the bartender asks what he'll have to drink the vampire replies, "a glass of hot water." The bartender a bit confused asks, "I thought you vampires drank blood?" The vampire proceeds to pull out a used tampon and replies, "I'm having tea."

I accidentally drank the water we used to color eggs for Easter.

I think I dyed a little inside.

A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam.

The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, "I watched what you did and I don't understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one!" The drunk stated," I've been going to those AA Meetings, and they said WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE THAT FIRST DRINK!!!".

My great-grandmother lived to be 106 and never needed glasses.

She always just drank straight from the bottle.

I just drank another bottle of brake fluid.

My friends think I'm addicted, but I can stop when I want to.

A man is talking to a sperm bank employee.

Man: "Thank you for that glass of milk earlier."

Sperm bank employee: "What glass of milk?"

Man: "The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk."

Sperm bank employee: "Oh my god."

Man: "What?"

Sperm bank employee: "You drank my glass of milk."

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it

Suddenly he heard a voice...

"Nice tie." *Nobody was there except him and the bartender.*

"Really cool shirt, too." *He thought he must be losing his mind.*

"I like your hair that way."

He said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice."

"Those are the peanuts, sir. They're complimentary."

Why did the hipster get burned when he drank his coffee?

The barista make a joke about sleeping with his mother.

I went to a liquor store yesterday on my bicycle.

I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. I tied it to my bicycle carrier.

I was about to leave. Then I realised that if I fell off the bike on the way home, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the JD before I rode back.

Finally it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

I ended up with an older woman at the club last night. She looked olay for a 57 year old.

We drank a bit and talked a while and she asked if I had ever had a Sportman's Double

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome", she said.

I said, "No."

We drank a bit more, then she says tonight's my lucky night.

We went back to her place.

She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

A Halloween Limerick

A lady vampire named Mable

Had a period that was awfully stable.

So once a full moon

She took out her spoon

And drank herself under the table.

Did you hear about the day when Hagrid took Harry, mashed him up, put him in a blender with ice cream and drank him?

Yer a Blizzard, Harry.

This St. Patrick's day I drank too much and had to take a bus home.

That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

I wanted to make friends but I had no facebook

So I went out on the street and started shouting what I cooked, ate or drank.

Right now I've got 3 followers - two cops and a psychiatrist

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work

As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?

The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!

The electrical engineer responded that, without the brains and nerves, those muscles and joints would be useless. God must be an electrical engineer!

The civil engineer just looked at the two of them and shook his head. "Who else but a civil engineer would put the sewer outflow right in the middle of the entertainment district?"

A Mongolian man tells his friend a story

When I came home late last night, I found my wife with another man. I was furious, and to hold myself back, I sat down and drank from a bottle that was left on the table. Then, I sang a song to cheer myself up. When I felt a little better, I looked around, and said to myself, 'Shit, this isn't my house,'.

A little 3-year-old girl

was playing with her miniature tea set. Her father was in the living room and her mother was out shopping. The little girl came out to the living room and offered her father a cup of tea, which was in fact just water. He thought this was really cute, so she did it several more times. When the mother came home, the father had the mother stop and watch the little tea ritual, as her daughter brought the father another cup of tea (water) and he drank it. The mother said, Very nice. But has it occurred to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

Masked man robs a sperm bank...

... He approaches the safe with a gun and yells at the nurse,
"Open up this safe!"

Nurse replied in fear, "But sir this is a sperm bank, we don't have any money here."

I said open up this safe now!" he yelled again and the nurse opened it up.

"Now drink this viel!"

"But sir this is sperm!"

"I said drink!" and the nurse drank with disgust.

"Drink another!" and she emptied another viel with less resistance.

The robber reveals his face and nurse found out that the robber was actually her husband.

"Now Sharon, was it really that hard?"

An Irishman's First Drink With His Son

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it - so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .
I could hardly push his stroller back home.

My first drink with my son

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn't like it โ€“ so I drank it.
Then I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey,
I could hardly push the stroller back home.

I used to get sharp pains in my eye when I drank coffee...

My doctor said, take the spoon out of the mug

I met an older woman in a bar last night...

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.
We went back to her place. We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom...you still awake?'

A joke my girlfriend's German grandmother told me.

A drunk fisherman is walking home from the bar and is about to be very sick. He gets home but outside he vomits all of the beer he drank and all of the sausages he ate on the sidewalk.

A few moments later while the drunk is gathering himself, a small dog runs up and begins eating the sausages the man threw up. The man, only now just realizing there's a dog in front of him, is confused.

"Okay", he says to himself. "I remember where I got the beer from, and I remember where I ate the sausages, but I have no idea where I ate that dog!"

Slightly more modern Russian joke

Putin is visiting a big factory for a photo op, and he decides to get the opinions of the common man. He walks up to one of the line workers and says, "My friend, I hear alcoholism is a big problem in Russia. Tell me, do you think you could still do your job if you drank a bottle of vodka in the morning?"

The worker thinks and says, "Well... I suppose so."

Putin frowns because that wasn't the answer he was expecting, but presses on: "Do you think you could still do your job if you'd had two bottles of vodka in the morning?" The worker nods and says he probably could. Putin, now becoming exasperated, asks: "What if you'd had *three* bottles?"

The worker replies, "I'm here, aren't I?"

Did you hear about that Native American who drank ten cups of tea one night?

They found him dead the next day in his teepee

Why do brits pronounce water with a silent "t"?

They drank it

An Englishman in France

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally blasted. A French policeman stops his car and asks if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and - ping, pow, boom - verifies that he is indeed sloshed. He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested. The Englishman answers with a bit of humor, "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is the one driving . . . . . on the other side?"

The Affluence of Incohol

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or elseโ€ฆ I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

Every night at the pub...

...the Irishman followed the same ritual. He ordered five shots of whiskey, then held each glass up in a silent toast, and drank them down in turn.

After seeing this for weeks on end, the bartender's curiosity got the best of him, and he said to the Irishman, "I notice you always order five shots. Is there a story behind that?"

"Aye, lad. I have four brothers, and we used to go out drinking every night. They've since moved away, so, as a tribute, I always order a shot for each of them and one for myself."

One night the Irishman came in and ordered four shots of whiskey. "I'm afraid to ask..." said the bartender. "Did something happen to one of your brothers?"

"Nay, lad, my brothers are fine. It's me. My doctor said I have to quit drinking."

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,

While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.

-Opportunist

Met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo? I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight is my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom, you still awake?"

As the child's dad goes to check up on him, the child says "Dad, I can't sleep"

Dad: "Why not?"

Kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"

Dad: \[looks under bed\] "Oh my god... yes!"

Kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

Did you hear about the Native American who drank 1000 glasses of tea?

He drown in his tea pee.

A guy walks into a bar...

...and tells the bartender "Give me anything but a Budweiser." So the bartender hands him a beer, the man drinks it, and leaves.

Next day, man comes in and says "Give me anything but a Budweiser." Bartender gives him a beer, the man drinks it, and leaves.

Next day, he comes back with the same request. The bartender is obviously very curious at this points. So he asks "What is the problem with Budweiser?"

The man answers "Well, I once drank 20 Budweisers, went home, and blew chunks."

The bartender laughs and says "That would happen to anyone after drinking 20 of any beer."

The man looks around sheepishly and whispers "Chunks is my dog's name."

A man walks into a bar...

And he immediately orders 7 shots and a beer for a chaser. The bartender lines up the seven shots and goes to get the beer. When the bartender returned, all 7 shots were gone!

The bartender says, "Wow, you sure drank those shots fast!"

The man says, "You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."

"What do you have?" Asks the bartender.

Then man reaches in his pocket and slaps his hand on the bar and exclaims, "Fifty cents!"

THE BAT BET

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood.

The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people."

The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people."

The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

I had 10 bottles of Rum....

...the good sort. But my wife forced me to throw away them all.

I took the first bottle, drank a glass and threw the rest on the sink.

Took the second bottle,drank a glass and threw the rest on the sink.


Took the third bottle, drank the rest and threw the glass on the sink.


Took the fourth bottle, drank in the sink and threw the rest on the glass.


Took the fifth glass, threw the cork on the sink and drank the bottle.


Took the sixth sink, drank the bottle and thew the glass on the rest.


The seventh bottle i took the rest and drank in the sink.


Took the glass, drank the rest and threw the sink on the eighth bottle.


Threw the ninth sink on the glass, took the bottle and drank the rest.


On the tenth glass, i took on the bottle on the rest and threw myself on the sink.

Man walks into a bar

Says to the bartender "let me get a bottle of anything that's not vodka."

Bartender says "why not vodka?"

Man replies "well I drank a whole bottle of that last night and blew chunks."

Bartender says "drink a whole bottle of anything and you'll throw up."

Man says "no you don't understand, chunks is my dog."

A vampire walks into a bar...

The bartender nervously says "what do you want to drink?"

The vampire says "hot water please"

The bartender hands him the hot water saying "I thought vampires drank blood?"

The vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and puts it into the water "I'm having tea."

I drank accidently ended up drinking some food colouring last night.

I ended up dying inside.

[Dad joke] A man would experience severe pain in his eye every time he drank tea

He went to his doctor, who referred him to an eye specialist. They performed every test possible, but found nothing wrong with his eye. Since the pain was still persistent, he showed a number of specialists, had every test done on him, consulted quacks, and all to no result. He still felt excruciating pain whenever he had tea.

Finally, he decides to visit an old sage. The sage sits him down and pours him some tea. As soon as he takes a sip, he feels the pain again.

The sage sets his own cup on the table, and quietly says

"Next time you drink tea, remember to remove the spoon from the cup."

[This is my dad's favorite joke]

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

Drink 'Till She's Cute

A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer"? The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home"!

The Sportsman's Double

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?'

A man walks into a bar...

And asks the bartender "Get me a drink. I'll take anything but Bud Lite."


Bartender asks "What do you have against Bud Lite?"


"Well last time I drank that stuff I killed 21 bottles, went home and blew chunks." He answered


"You must be stupid! Drinking 21 of anything will make you blow chunks." Replied the bartender


"I think you misunderstood." Says the man "Chunks is my dog!"

A smoker, an alcoholic, and a rapist are offered 1,000,000$ if they can change their lives...

...so they're put in one room filled with the best and most expensive alcohol and the best and most expensive brands of cigarettes, and they have to survive there for a week.
On the second day the alcoholic couldn't take it over there and drank all the alcohol.
The smoker couldn't take it either and decided to light one up, but as he tries to light he drops his lighter and just as he starts to bend over to get it the rapist says: "Pick up the lighter and we both burn out"

Overly intoxicated man in a bar one night is making a fool of himself

The next day he returns to the bar sits down and orders a coffee. The bartender sarcastically asks," are you sure you don't want another shot of whiskey?" Holding his stomach, and wiping his mouth the man says," I drank so much last night that I went home and blew chunks." The bartender says, "see what happens when you drink too much, you end up throwing up all night." The man replies." no, you don't understand, chunks is my dog".

What are the funniest drank jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Drank? Well, here are the best Drank puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Drank pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes