Drank Beer Jokes
53 drank beer jokes and hilarious drank beer puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drank beer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Drank Beer Short Jokes
Short drank beer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The drank beer humour may include short beer drinking jokes also.
- Did you hear about the Irishman who drank 30 beers in 30 minutes? It was a Guinness world record.
- A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's new?" the bartender asks. "My son ended up in the hospital last night after he drank a beer," the guy replies. "It was my last one."
- Last night, my friends and I drank beer and pretended to be golf clubs. I was the designated driver.
- Sitting Indian Style When I was in third grade the teacher told us to sit Indian Style. So I drank a 30 case of beer and laid in a gutter.
- They say drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister. I wouldn't know because I've never drank non-alcoholic beer.
- I tried to go into a nursery with a beer but I wasn't allowed in. I drank it all in front of her and ran inside. I can't believe they called the police
Share These Drank Beer Jokes With Friends
Drank Beer One Liners
Which drank beer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with drank beer? I can suggest the ones about beer brewed and beers.
- I drank a pint of beer in Saudi Arabia the other day... ... It cost me an arm and a leg.
- So I drank Three beers and now it burns when I pee... Do I have a yeast infection?
- I liked beer so much that my family didn't know I drank until they saw me sober!
- What do you call the most beers drank by an Irishman? A Guinness world record.
- Today, I drank a beer in the shower Does that make me an alcoholic or just efficient?
Drank Beer Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about drank beer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean craft beer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make drank beer pranks.
There once was two people Lisa and Brian
They got married and had a child.
The only problem was that the child was only a head, he had no arms, legs or torso.
So all his life he was picked on and teased and he always wished he had a body.
So when he turned 21 his dad took him to a bar and let him have his first beer ever.
When he drank a whole bottle an arm popped out.
When he drank more bottles more body parts popped out.
After drinking many beers he finally had a whole body.
As they left the bar, he was very drunk and was hit by a bus and he died.
The moral of the story "Quit while you're a head."
I met an older woman in a bar last night...
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter t**...,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.
We went back to her place. We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom...you still awake?'
A cowboy...
... walks into a bar in Texas and orders three beers. He sits at the bar, drinking a sip out of each glass in turn.
This goes on for a few weeks till the bartender says " You know beer goes flat after pouring - why don't you just buy them one at a time?"
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado . When they left our home we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
One day, he comes in and only orders two beers. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife made me quit drinking but it hasn't affected my brothers though."
A cowboy walks into a bar...
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
Anything but Guinness...
A guy goes into a liquor store and the guy behind the counter asks if he needs any help. He says "I'll take a case of beer please. Anything but Guinness!"
Clerk: "Sure buddy, but what's wrong with Guinness? It's one of our top sellers!"
Guy: "I don't have anything bad to say about the taste or anything like that, it's just that the last time I drank a case of Guinness to myself, I blew chunks!"
Clerk: "I don't think Guinness is your issue... If you drink a case of any beer to yourself you will blow chunks!"
Guy: "No sir, you don't understand. See, Chunks is my dog!"
A man walks into his regular bar..
He takes an open seat next to the bartender. He and the bartender are good friends so they begin to talk.
"You want the same thing as yesterday? I just got restocked on your usual.."
"Nah. I don't drink that anymore. I drank so much that when I got home I started blowing chunks."
"Well...anyone who has 7 beers will usually throw up from it...doesn't mean you can't drink it anymore," said the bartender.
The customer replies, "No, you don't understand. My dog's name is Chunks."
Piece of tarmac walks into a bar, and orders a beer...
he needs the toilet, so he asks the guy next to him to watch his beer while he goes to the toilet. Gets back to the bar, and the beer is gone!!
"hey, what gives?" demands the piece of tarmac.
"oh, that piece of red tarmac over there said he was a friend of yours." said the man, "frankly I've never seen talking tarmac before today, so I didn't argue, and he drank your beer. Do you want to go talk to him?"
"Im not talking to him!!" said the tarmac, "he's a cycle path!"
An Irishman's First Drink with His Son
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first
pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Stroh's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Molson's and the Labatt's.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a few of
those. He didn't like that either.
By the time I decided he just didn't like to drink I could hardly push the stroller back home.
The Sportsman's Double
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter t**...,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?'
Took my son for his first drink.
Today I took my son first for his first drink.
I gave him beer. He didn't like it so I drank it.
I gave him cider. He didn't like it so I drank it.
I gave him whiskey. He didn't like it so I drank it.
I gave him v**.... He didn't like it so I drank it.
I then told him that we were going home since he never liked anything. The only problem with going home was that I could barely push his pram out the bar door.
In honor of St. Patrick's day, here's my best Irishman joke.
An Irishman decides it's time for him to have his first ever drink with his son. He takes him down to the local pub and orders a pint. But his son didn't like the taste of it, so the Irishman drank it for him. Then the Irishman orders Guiness, hoping his son would like it better. But he still didn't like the taste, so the Irishman drank it for him. Distraught, the Irishman spent the rest of his money on the most elegant and expensive lager that money could buy, and gave it to his son. But alas, his son still didn't like the taste, so the Irishman drank it for him. After downing all of his and his son's beers, he was so hammered that he could barely push the stroller.
Beer contains female hormones
Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
(A) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Estrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
(B) To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.
(C) It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects - yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
Beer is Bad for You
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer - hops contain Phytoestrogens - and that by drinking enough beer, men began to act like women. To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it
Suddenly he heard a voice...
"Nice tie." *Nobody was there except him and the bartender.*
"Really cool shirt, too." *He thought he must be losing his mind.*
"I like your hair that way."
He said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice."
"Those are the peanuts, sir. They're complimentary."
A man walks into a bar...
And he immediately orders 7 shots and a beer for a chaser. The bartender lines up the seven shots and goes to get the beer. When the bartender returned, all 7 shots were gone!
The bartender says, "Wow, you sure drank those shots fast!"
The man says, "You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" Asks the bartender.
Then man reaches in his pocket and slaps his hand on the bar and exclaims, "Fifty cents!"
Drink 'Till She's Cute
A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer"? The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home"!
A joke my girlfriend's German grandmother told me.
A drunk fisherman is walking home from the bar and is about to be very sick. He gets home but outside he vomits all of the beer he drank and all of the sausages he ate on the sidewalk.
A few moments later while the drunk is gathering himself, a small dog runs up and begins eating the sausages the man threw up. The man, only now just realizing there's a dog in front of him, is confused.
"Okay", he says to himself. "I remember where I got the beer from, and I remember where I ate the sausages, but I have no idea where I ate that dog!"
A guy walks into a bar...
...and tells the bartender "Give me anything but a Budweiser." So the bartender hands him a beer, the man drinks it, and leaves.
Next day, man comes in and says "Give me anything but a Budweiser." Bartender gives him a beer, the man drinks it, and leaves.
Next day, he comes back with the same request. The bartender is obviously very curious at this points. So he asks "What is the problem with Budweiser?"
The man answers "Well, I once drank 20 Budweisers, went home, and blew chunks."
The bartender laughs and says "That would happen to anyone after drinking 20 of any beer."
The man looks around sheepishly and whispers "Chunks is my dog's name."
Tea is an Evil Substance
Tea is an evil substance, more dangerous than beer.
I discovered this last night, when I drank 14 beer till 3AM at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home. You should have seen how angry and violent when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me all night and even in the morning. Please Ladies, don't drink tea!
A guy goes into a bar . . .
. . . and the bartender offers him a Budweiser.
"No thanks," the guy says. "Last weekend I drank a case of Budweiser and I blew chunks."
"Well of course," the bartender says. "Anyone would throw up after drinking a case of beer."
"No, you don't understand," the guy says. "Chunks is my Great Dane!"
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter t**...,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, 'Mom, you still awake?'
World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motocycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank.
The End
I went to the pub and drank 10 beers...
When I finished them I ordererd 9 beers and drank them all. After that 8 then 7 and so on. The weirdest thing was; When I drank less beers, I became more drunk!
WARNING: Men should avoid drinking beer
Beer contains phytoestrogens that increase the female hormone estrogen in men, lowering their testosterone levels.
In fact it has been proven that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
In a study 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
A man walks Into a bar and orders a beer
He gets his drink and adds a little something to it and this macho guy comes in grabs his drink and slams it down. The man begins crying immediatly tears pouring down, he just seems so distraught.
The macho man tells him he is sorry offers to buy him another drink. The man goes
"it's not that today is the worst day of my life, I woke up and my car wouldn't start so I walked to work. When I got there my boss fired me for being late. So I walked all the way home in the pouring rain and when I got there I caught my wife with another man in our bed. I walked to the closes bar sat down poured poison into my drink and you drank that!"
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess..."Will you marry me?"
The Princess said "No!" and the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and f**... whenever he wanted. THE END
A man was filling his car up while drinking beer and later crashed
A forensic scientist, cop, and mechanic head to the wreck to determine the cause.
*"He was poisoned!"* said the scientist.
*"No! This was simply a case of drunk driving."* replied the cop.
*"You're both wrong! He crashed because he filled the gas tank with booze."* exclaimed the mechanic.
Suddenly, a voice echoed from behind them.
*"I'm the gas station owner and you're all half right. That wasted idiot drank pure gasoline while pouring beer into his car."*
Guy calls his buddy and says, "Hey man, I'm throwing a party this weekend!"
"Gonna get a case of beer; what are you thinking?"
Buddy responds, "Anything but Heineken is cool with me. Drank a case of Heineken last weekend, and I blew chunks."
Guy says, "Dude, drinking a whole case of anything is going to make you p**...."
Buddy responds, "No, man, you don't understand... Chunks is my dog."
A little dwarf is sitting in a bar. He stares at his beer with a sad look in his eyes.
A strong guy appears, punches the dwarfs shoulder and drinks his beer. The dwarf starts crying.
The guy: "Come on, you wimp. A real man does not cry because of a beer."
The dwarf: "Listen. My wife left me today and my bank account was robbed. After that I lost my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so I laid down on the railroad track. The train did not come. Wanted to hang myself - the rope teared. Wanted to shot myself - I ran out of ammo.
From my remaining money I brought a beer, tipped some poison into it, and now you drank it."
A guy walks into a liquor store and ask for a case of Heineken.
The gal behind the counter replies, "Sorry. We're out of Heineken."
The guy shrugs his shoulders and says, "Fine. Make it Rolling Rock."
The woman replies, "Sorry, but the only cold beer we have in stock is Budweiser."
The man says, "Nope. No way. Last time I drank a case of Bud, I ended up getting sick and blowing chunks."
The cashier replies, "You drink a case of any beer you're gonna get sick!"
The man retorts, "No, you don't understand. My dog's name is Chunks."
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it until suddenly he heard a voice.
Voice: *Nice tie.*
The man looked around. Nobody was there except him and the bartender.
Voice: *Really cool shirt, too.*
The man was concerned. He thought he must be losing his mind.
Voice: *I like your hair like that!*
Finally concerned, the man said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice."
The bartender replied, Those are the peanuts, sir. They're complimentary.
A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.
As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.
"Wait!" says the bartender. "You drank so much beer. Wouldn't it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?"
"Not for me," says the pig. "I'm the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."
A bully walks into a bar
He walks to a man whose eyes are on the ground and grabs away his drink. He gulps it loudly and after it is finished he let out a disgusting belch. Then he asks in a woeful tone: "what happens, granpa?".
The man lifts his eyes and sighs: "yesterday I got fired from my job and when I returned home I caught my wife sleeping with my brother. Today I woke up and found that my kids and wife are not home so I decided to kill myself but I couldn't do it".
The bully puts a gloating smile and asks: "why? Are you not manly enough even to kill yourself?".
"No. Because you drank up my beer".
Asphalt and Tarmac were in the bar together having a beer, arguing over who was toughest - when a pink piece of concrete walked into the bar....
Everybody in the bar fell silent and averted their attention. The pink piece of concrete ordered a drink. The bartender was shaking as he poured his beer. The pink piece of concrete looked around, nobody meeting his gaze, drank his beer in one glug and left.
The normal ambience resumed.
"Youv'e got to watch out for him" Tarmac said to Asphalt, "hes a cycle-path!"
True story.
Two of my colleagues and I went to lunch with our manager and his manager who was visiting our office from out of town. We each ordered a beer with our meal and the manager's manager, who was a teetotaler unbeknownst to us, turned to our manager and asked if he knew we drank. Our Manager replied "I didn't know they drank until they showed up for work sober once".
A bearded man walks into a bar
"Everybody's drinks are on me tonight"
He then drank his beer, went to the restroom and s**... his beard
later he went to the bartender and asked : "how much should I pay ?"
"no sir, a bearded gentleman has paid for your drink tonight"
"ok", and he left
Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.
I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.
You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peaceful and silently made my way to bed. But she kept cursing and shouting through the night and well into the next morning.
Please friends, if you can't handle your tea, you should not be drinking it. Please avoid drinking tea.