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Dozen Jokes

107 dozen jokes and hilarious dozen puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dozen that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Dozen Short Jokes

Short dozen jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dozen humour may include short hundred jokes also.

  1. A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter.
    That's one too many! says the customer.
    The clerk replies It's a freebie .
  2. Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombie and I have one question: Why were they all holding bags of candy?
  3. A programmer's wife A programmer's wife says: "go to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
    He returns with 12 loaves of bread.
  4. I went to a beekeeper. I asked him for a dozen bees.
    When he counted them out, there were 13.
    I said "hey, you gave me an extra one."
    He said "that's a freebie."
  5. I made a dozen girls instantly wet yesterday because of my physique no one can beat me at doing a cannonball in the pool.
  6. A wife sends her programmer husband to the store for bread. As he's leaving, she says, "if they have eggs, get a dozen."
    He comes home with 12 loaves of bread
  7. I googled the "Pittsburg Steelers" today and it took me to allrecipes.com... How to make a half dozen turnovers.
  8. YOU'LL SEE, YOU'LL ALL SEE! An enthusiastic optician throwing dozens of pairs of glasses out into a crowd.
  9. A prison van crashed into a cement mixer this morning... Police are currently on the lookout for half a dozen hardened criminals.
  10. What do you get when you cross an idiom with a Freudian slip? Six of one, and a half dozen of your mother

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Dozen One Liners

Which dozen one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dozen? I can suggest the ones about bunch and handful.

  1. How do you get a dozen Americans out of a car? Tell them to stay inside the car.
  2. Why is a baker's dozen 13 instead of 12? In case one dozen come out right.
  3. There's a 12-step program for pun users. But it dozen work.
  4. How much is twelve units of mass? Dozen matter.
  5. A base-12 number system is good in theory but it dozen stand a chance in practice.
  6. I told my therapist about my obsession with the number 12. But she dozen seem to care.
  7. Did you hear about the baker that got arrested? He spent a dozen weeks in custardy
  8. Why is it so cheap to buy 12 rhombuses? Because they're a diamond dozen
  9. Why did 11 eat 12? He dozen like him.
  10. How many people does it take to celebrate an anniversary in Reddit? Dozens
  11. What do you get if you clone the vice president half a dozen times? Sixpence
  12. Due to inflation The phrase "a dime a dozen" has gone up to "a dollar a dozen"
  13. My Friend Told Me Twelve is a Significant Number. I disagreed. I said it dozen't matter.
  14. I was supposed to fall asleep in 18 minutes But 6 minutes later I was dozen off
  15. What do you call half a dozen Punjabi that are not feeling well? Six sick Sikhs

Dozen joke, What do you call half a dozen Punjabi that are not feeling well?

Heartwarming Dozen Jokes that Make You Laugh

What funny jokes about dozen you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean twelve jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dozen pranks.

A m**... was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
 
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

There's a drunk guy in line at the grocery store...

The woman in front of him has a block of cheddar cheese, a half gallon of milk, and a dozen eggs.
He stumbles up to her and says, "Why, you must be single!"
Rather surprised, she looks at him and replies, "Yes, I am single! You could tell that just from what I'm buying?"
Without missing a beat, the drunk guy says, "No, it's 'cause you're f**...' ugly!"

A Broken Watch

A guy is walking down the street and suddenly notices that his watch has stopped working. As he stands there musing over this discovery, he notices that the display window of a nearby shop has several dozen watches and clocks in it.
The man steps inside the door of the shop and asks the proprietor, "Excuse me, my watch has stopped working. I wonder if you can repair it for me?"
The proprietor looks up from his desk and says, "What are you talking about? I'm not a watchmaker--I'm a mohel. I perform circumcisions."
Confused, the gentleman asks, "Well then why do you have so many watches and clocks in your window?"
The mohel calmly replies, "What would you prefer that I display?"

A programmer

goes to do groceries. His wife tell him:
-- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen.
He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread.
-- But why?, she asks.
-- They had eggs.

Programmer husband

A wife says to her programmer husband, "Honey, go to the store and get a gallon of milk; if they have eggs, get a dozen."
He comes back with only 12 gallons of milk and says, "They had eggs."

The man says to the bartender...

"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"

At the pharmacist

A guy goes to a pharmacist and asks for a dozen condoms.
The druggist asked " Would you like a paper bag?"
The guy shakes his head and says "Nah, she ain't that ugly."

Buying aspirin

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.
"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."
"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"

Irish and Muslim on a plane

A Muslim was sitting next to p**... on a plane.
p**... ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips!"
p**... handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

A CEO, a union worker and a tea party member sit down at a table ...

The union worker sets out a dozen cookies he baked.
The CEO grabs them all and tells the tea partier that the union member stole his cookie.

there was a shooting at the westboro Baptist church recently...

the police report over a dozen witnesses, yet for some reason, nobody saw anything.

there has been a shooting at the Westboro Baptist church...

police report 3 dozen cheerful bystanders, yet nobody claims to have seen who did it.

Who is the most popular guy in a swingers' club?

The guy who can carry a dozen doughnuts without using his hands.
Who's the most popular woman?
The one who can get the last one without using hers.

A mathematical limerick

A dozen, a g**..., and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more.

Married mathematicians deciding what to get from the store.

A husband and wife are mathematicians. Husband asks the wife if she needs anything from the store. She looks in the fridge and says she needs eggs.
"How many?" he asks standing right next to her.
She yells, "4!".
He wonders for a moment why she yelled, figures it out and comes back with two dozen.

A programmer...

A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store with the instructions, get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen. He comes home with a dozen loaf of bread and tells her, they had eggs.

A programmers wife tells him...

A programmers wife tells him: Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.
The programmer comes back with 12 loaves of bread...

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:
1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."

A Software Programmer is going to the store.....

His wife says "get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The guy comes back with 12 loaves of bread.
His wife says "why did you get so much bread?"
He says, "they had eggs.

A janitor, a security guard, and a CEO are sitting at table with a dozen Twinkies.

The CEO grabs 11 Twinkies for himself, turns to the security guard and says: "Watch out for the janitor, he wants part of your t**...."

A programmer heads to the shops

His wife says "grab a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get a dozen"
He comes home with twelve loaves of bread.

A wife sends her programmer husband to the grocery store for a loaf of bread...

On his way out she says "and if they have eggs, get a dozen". The programmer husband returns home with 12 loaves of bread....

A programmer went to go grocery shopping.

A programmer went to go grocery shopping. He called his wife and asked what was needed.
His wife said: "You need to get 2 loaves of bread. Oh, and also, if there's eggs, buy a dozen."
So he came home with a dozen loaves of bread.

If I had a dozen muffins and Carlos took 13 away from me, what do I have now?

A math problem

A programmers wife tells him to buy groceries

She says buy bread, and if there are eggs get a dozen.
He came home with twelve loaves of bread

After 5 years of being married, the wife finds $7.500,00 and 4 eggs on the top of the wardrobe.

Perplexed, she goes running to her husband to ask what that was about, and he says:
- Honey, during these 5 years together, everytime you irritate me I get an egg and put it on the top of the wardrobe.
The wife gets happy because there were only 4 eggs, and then asks:
- But what about the $7.500,00 ?
He answers:
- Every time I complete one dozen, I sell it.

A wife asks her newfie husband to stop by the grocery store on the way home...

She tells him, "pick up a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen"

He comes home later with 12 loaves of bread

A woman is shopping at a grocery store.

She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".

A logician is asked to go to get groceries.

His wife said: "Go get a jug of milk. If they have eggs, buy a dozen". Later, his wife said: "Why did you come back with a dozen j**... of milk?" The logician said: "They had eggs."

How many DIY-ers does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but about a dozen light bulbs.

For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?
How about -
>"A dozen, a g**..., and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

I once met a woman who had 12 n**...

That's sounds good...
Dozen t**...

A computer programmer's wife sends her husband to the store.

She says, "Buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
An hour later, he returns home with twelve loaves of bread. She asks,
"Why did you get twelve loaves of bread?" Her husband replies,
"Because they had eggs."

An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight...

An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight.
The stewardess comes up and asks the Irish man if he'd like a drink. He orders a whiskey and the stewardess hands it to him.
The stewardess then asks the Muslim if he'd like a drink. "I'd rather be r**... by a dozen w**...!" he shouts back.
The Irishman calmly hands his whiskey back to the stewardess and says "I'll have what he's having".

How do you know who the most popular man at a nudist colony is?

The one that can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts
How to tell who the most popular woman is?
The one that can eat the last donut

An Irish man and a m**... sat next to each other on a plane.

The flight attendant comes and asks the Irish man if he wants a drink. He asks for a whiskey and the drink is promptly placed in front of him.
The flight attendant asks the m**...:
"Do you want an alcoholic drink too?"
The m**... responds:
"I would rather be assaulted by a dozen w**... than have alcohol touch my lips."
The Irish man interrupts saying:
"In that case take my drink back. I didn't know we had a choice."

A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store...

She says: "I need you to go get a gallon of milk, if they have eggs, get a dozen."
He comes home with 12 gallons of milk and says: "They had eggs."

Back in the day, I 'member me and my mom going to the store with two dollars in her purse and coming back with a big bag of spuds, two loaves of bread, a pound of cheese, three gallons of milk, half a dozen eggs and coffee…

You can't do that anymore…too many security cameras…

A husband buys a dozen of p**... of the same colour for his wife.

His wife protests: " Why the same colour, people will think i don't change my p**...."
Husband asks" which people?

"Back in the day," my grandfather started to say,

"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."
"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."

A wife sends her programmer husband to the store.

She says, "Buy a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
When the husband returns, he's carrying twelve gallons of milk?
"Why did you buy twelve gallons of milk" asks the wife.
"Because they had eggs" says the husband.

Adam and Eve had been brainstorming with God for what felt like an eternity.

"Two dozen hours?" asked Adam.
"One seventh of a week?" suggested Eve.
God shook his head and sighed. "Let's just call it a day."

Wanna hear a joke about eggs?

Nah, you'll crack up because my yolks, are egg-celent
Note:I've told this jokeat least 12 dozen times

I told my husband two puns short of a dozen.

Not one of them made him laugh, no pun in ten did.

After 10 years of marriage, wife manage to discover 5 eggs and 5.000 euros on the cabinet.

\-Darling, I'm sorry, but I went to your office and found 5 eggs and 5.000 euros , what's the deal with it?
\-Well, how can I explain it... Since the beginning of our marriage, I would store one egg for each time you annoyed me.
\-Oh, that's so sweet! And what the 5.000 euros are for?
\-I usually wait when I have a dozen of eggs before selling then.

A programmer's wife tells him to buy a loaf of bread, she also said that if there are eggs, get a dozen

The programmer returns home with 12 loaves of bread.

A guy wants to build a nuke. He goes to a supplier and asks...

"How much are the protons?"
"A dime a dozen, and the neutrons are free of charge."

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "There were eggs!"

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.
And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.

12 b**... sounds good

Dozen t**...

Did you hear about the Women with 12 b**...?

Sounds ridiculous, Dozen t**...?

It always irked my single mother that her grocery store didn't carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen.

Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six. I was so excited, she told us later, that I bought two!

How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.

Imagine having 12 b**...

Sounds weird dozen t**...?

Six t**... women

Sounds crazy dozen t**...?

Six girls walking around n**... sounds weird

Dozen t**...?

Why are firetrucks red?

Why are firetrucks red?
Well because firetrucks have six wheels, six is half a dozen. Usually when someone is using half a dozen and a dozen, they are referring to eggs. Eggs come from chickens, a male chicken is a rooster, roosters are often on steeples, steeples are are tall, like a mast on a ship, ships go on the sea, in the sea there are fish and fish have fins and the Fins fought the Soviets and the soviet flag is red.

An Irishman and a m**... are seated next to each other on a plane...

The flight attendant asks if they'd like anything to drink. The Irishman says I'll have a double shot of Jameson, and one for my new friend here.
No no no, says the m**.... I would rather be sodomized by a dozen disease-infested w**... than to let alcohol touch my lips.
The flight attendant blushes and turns away before the Irishman interjects, forget the whiskey—I didn't realize that was an option.

Met this girl with 12 n**... today...

Sounds weird, dozen t**...

I met a girl with 12 b**.... Sound strange?

Dozen t**...?

Before I got married I was in a store paying for groceries.

I had a quart of milk, a half dozen eggs and a TV dinner. The cashier looks at me with a smile and says You MUST be single!
I said Why do you say that?
And she said Because your so fu$king ugly!

So, a m**... and an Irishman are on a plane

They were seated next to each other on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Apparently I execute commands badly....

Wife sent me to the supermarket with a simple request:
#
Go to the supermarket and buy a loaf of bread
#
If they have eggs get a dozen.
#
Came home with 12 loafs of bread,
#
Still don't get why she's mad?

broke up with the girlfriend because she was always up my a**... about being colour blind and a dozen other things

too many grey flags

A man walks into an apiary and asks for a dozen bees.

The beekeeper nods and carefully counts out 13 bees. The man realizes this and points it out, "That's one too many.
*"No worries. It's a freebie."*

I once dated a girl with twelve n**..., sounds kinda weird...

Dozen t**...?

Programming logic

The programmer's spouse asks the programmer to go to the store
The spouse says, "Get a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread and says, "They had eggs."

I went to buy a dozen bees

The beekeeper gave me thirteen.
I said, "Hey, you gave me one too many."
He said, "That's a freebie."

Six t**... women sounds nice,

dozen t**....

Dozen joke, Six t**... women sounds nice,

jokes about dozen