Dozen Jokes
103 dozen jokes and hilarious dozen puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dozen that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Dozen Short Jokes
Short dozen jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dozen humour may include short hundred jokes also.
- Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombie and I have one question: Why were they all holding bags of candy?
- I googled the "Pittsburg Steelers" today and it took me to allrecipes.com... How to make a half dozen turnovers.
- YOU'LL SEE, YOU'LL ALL SEE! An enthusiastic optician throwing dozens of pairs of glasses out into a crowd.
- What do you get when you cross an idiom with a Freudian slip? Six of one, and a half dozen of your mother
- At the pharmacist A guy goes to a pharmacist and asks for a dozen condoms.
The druggist asked " Would you like a paper bag?"
The guy shakes his head and says "Nah, she ain't that ugly." - If I had a dozen muffins and Carlos took 13 away from me, what do I have now? A math problem
- I told my husband two puns short of a dozen. Not one of them made him laugh, no pun in ten did.
- there has been a shooting at the Westboro baptist church... police report 3 dozen cheerful bystanders, yet nobody claims to have seen who did it.
- A guy wants to build a nuke. He goes to a supplier and asks... "How much are the protons?"
"A dime a dozen, and the neutrons are free of charge." - Wanna hear a joke about eggs? Nah, you'll crack up because my yolks, are egg-celent
Note:I've told this jokeat least 12 dozen times
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Dozen One Liners
Which dozen one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dozen? I can suggest the ones about bunch and handful.
- How do you get a dozen Americans out of a car? Tell them to stay inside the car.
- Why is a baker's dozen 13 instead of 12? In case one dozen come out right.
- There's a 12-step program for pun users. But it dozen work.
- How much is twelve units of mass? Dozen matter.
- A base-12 number system is good in theory but it dozen stand a chance in practice.
- I told my therapist about my obsession with the number 12. But she dozen seem to care.
- Did you hear about the baker that got arrested? He spent a dozen weeks in custardy
- Why is it so cheap to buy 12 rhombuses? Because they're a diamond dozen
- Why did 11 eat 12? He dozen like him.
- How many people does it take to celebrate an anniversary in Reddit? Dozens
- What do you get if you clone the vice president half a dozen times? Sixpence
- Due to inflation The phrase "a dime a dozen" has gone up to "a dollar a dozen"
- My Friend Told Me Twelve is a Significant Number. I disagreed. I said it dozen't matter.
- I was supposed to fall asleep in 18 minutes But 6 minutes later I was dozen off
- What do we call a group of 12 atoms? Dozen matter.
Heartwarming Dozen Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about dozen you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean twelve jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dozen pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A m**... was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's a drunk guy in line at the grocery store...
The woman in front of him has a block of cheddar cheese, a half gallon of milk, and a dozen eggs.
He stumbles up to her and says, "Why, you must be single!"
Rather surprised, she looks at him and replies, "Yes, I am single! You could tell that just from what I'm buying?"
Without missing a beat, the drunk guy says, "No, it's 'cause you're f**...' ugly!"
A Broken Watch
A guy is walking down the street and suddenly notices that his watch has stopped working. As he stands there musing over this discovery, he notices that the display window of a nearby shop has several dozen watches and clocks in it.
The man steps inside the door of the shop and asks the proprietor, "Excuse me, my watch has stopped working. I wonder if you can repair it for me?"
The proprietor looks up from his desk and says, "What are you talking about? I'm not a watchmaker--I'm a mohel. I perform circumcisions."
Confused, the gentleman asks, "Well then why do you have so many watches and clocks in your window?"
The mohel calmly replies, "What would you prefer that I display?"
The man says to the bartender...
"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"
Buying aspirin
Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.
"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."
"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish and Muslim on a plane
A Muslim was sitting next to p**... on a plane.
p**... ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips!"
p**... handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
A CEO, a union worker and a tea party member sit down at a table ...
The union worker sets out a dozen cookies he baked.
The CEO grabs them all and tells the tea partier that the union member stole his cookie.
Who is the most popular guy in a swingers' club?
The guy who can carry a dozen doughnuts without using his hands.
Who's the most popular woman?
The one who can get the last one without using hers.
Married mathematicians deciding what to get from the store.
A husband and wife are mathematicians. Husband asks the wife if she needs anything from the store. She looks in the fridge and says she needs eggs.
"How many?" he asks standing right next to her.
She yells, "4!".
He wonders for a moment why she yelled, figures it out and comes back with two dozen.
LPT: How to pick up girls
Try this:
1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A janitor, a security guard, and a CEO are sitting at table with a dozen Twinkies.
The CEO grabs 11 Twinkies for himself, turns to the security guard and says: "Watch out for the janitor, he wants part of your t**...."
You're my one and only love.
One day, a gorgeous young woman comes into the stationery and asks the clerk:
-Do you have cards with a red heart, an arrow trough it and "You are my One and only Love." written in big golden letters?
-Sure we do, valentine's right around the corner.
-Good, I'll take a dozen please.
A programmers wife tells him...
"Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
He returns with 12 loaves of bread.
@SciencePorn tweeted this, I saw it there, don't know the original source.
I call my Missus's mimsy 'The Tardis'
Not because it's bigger inside than I expected. It's just that she's had several dozen companions and at least one dog in there.
A wife asks her newfie husband to stop by the grocery store on the way home...
She tells him, "pick up a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen"
He comes home later with 12 loaves of bread
I went through three magazines on a train yesterday.
I'd killed a dozen people by the time they wrestled the gun off me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A logician is asked to go to get groceries.
His wife said: "Go get a jug of milk. If they have eggs, buy a dozen". Later, his wife said: "Why did you come back with a dozen j**... of milk?" The logician said: "They had eggs."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"
Sorry, did that not make any sense?
How about -
>"A dozen, a g**..., and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."
My wife has been around the block a few dozen times, if you know what I mean.
She's a mail carrier.
What do you call it when your computer gets infected with a keylogger, a rootkit and half a dozen backdoors?
A free upgrade
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After s**... I always get out my phone and order my wife a dozen roses.
My girlfriend thinks I'm hilarious.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I have been smoking w**... for almost 13 years.
Or about a baker's dozen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who is the most popular guy on a n**... beach?
The guy carrying two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts.
*ba dum dishhhh* Yeah, don't worry people. Like this joke, I recycle a lot of things. No need to thank me - you're welcome.
Flowers
A man walks in to the house with a dozen roses, walks up to his wife and hands them to her. The wife says "Oh, now I guess you expect me to lay on my back with my legs spread." The husband replies, " What, you don't have a vase?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is served whiskey on a flight
A man is served whiskey on a flight.
The flight attendant asks the priest seated next to him, whether he would like a drink too?
Priest: I would rather be r**... by a dozen prostitutes than let liquor touch my lips
The man returns the drink saying: Me too, I didn't know we had a choice...
Store owner: Good morning Janet! What can i get for you?
Janet: Something for dinner, please
Store owner: I have some lovely fresh ox tongue!
Janet: Oh, no! Yuck! I couldn't eat something that comes out of an animal's mouth! I'll just have a dozen egg
I went to a flower shop on my way to the hospice and asked for a dozen roses...
"I'm sorry sir, " said the florist, "I only have some with a couple of days life left in them. "
"No problem, " I replied, "that's more than enough. "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I made a dozen girls instantly wet yesterday because of my physique
no one can beat me at doing a cannonball in the pool.
If a teacup holds tea and a coffee cup holds coffee then what does a peecup hold?
Three Mexicans, a lawn mower, two leaf blowers and a half dozen rakes will fit in a peecup (pickup with Spanish accent).
Eggs in my fridge
I bought 12 eggs today but there was no room for them in my fridge. Dozen fit
A younger woman receives a dozen red roses. . .
A much older woman and a much younger woman are sitting on the front porch when all of a sudden the younger woman looked up and saw her husband coming towards her with a dozen red roses. Disgusted, she said to her friend, "Well it looks like I'll be up all night long with my legs up in the air." Confused, the elderly woman ask, "What's a matter? Ain't you got a vase?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Once when I was a teenager
...I stopped at the drugstore to purchase some of those "necessary supplies." I told the pharmacist, "Better give me a dozen, I've got a hot date tonight with the school t**...!" When I got to her house, her mother insisted I join them for dinner. I offered to say grace, and I prayed and prayed and prayed. When I finished, my date leaned over to me and said, "Why, Paul! I had no idea you were so religious!" I replied, "And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A husband buys a dozen of p**... of the same colour for his wife.
His wife protests: " Why the same colour, people will think i don't change my p**...."
Husband asks" which people?
As kids on a farm we had to round up the cows.
I'd count eleven and just say there were a dozen.
"Back in the day," my grandfather started to say,
"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."
"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."
Adam and Eve had been brainstorming with God for what felt like an eternity.
"Two dozen hours?" asked Adam.
"One seventh of a week?" suggested Eve.
God shook his head and sighed. "Let's just call it a day."
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
Keep your clairvoyant chipper [OC unless I accidentally stole this]
When I was a single man, I dated a series of psychics. For the first date, I brought a dozen long stem roses, and she said it was too much, and was angry. So for the second psychic, I brought nothing, and she too was offended. For the third psychic, I settled for a single rose, and I finally found a happy medium. (But in the end it didn't work out, she said she couldn't see a future together.)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I used to know a girl, she had a dozen guys
One of them found out about it… beat her up so bad she ended up at a hospital on Guerrero Street.
Very generous barber
Is cutting a police officers hair, after that the police takes out his wallet, but barber says it's for free. The next morning barber finds dozen donuts left for him at the door.
Later that day, a florist comes, and as he is taking out his wallet, the barber says it's for free. The next morning barber finds dozen flowers left at the door.
Later that day a jew walks in, he cuts his hair, and then says it's for free.
The next morning barber finds dozen jews at the door.
After 10 years of marriage, wife manage to discover 5 eggs and 5.000 euros on the cabinet.
\-Darling, I'm sorry, but I went to your office and found 5 eggs and 5.000 euros , what's the deal with it?
\-Well, how can I explain it... Since the beginning of our marriage, I would store one egg for each time you annoyed me.
\-Oh, that's so sweet! And what the 5.000 euros are for?
\-I usually wait when I have a dozen of eggs before selling then.
A man approached what was certainly a bad vehicle accident.
It seemed that a bus had been hit by a truck belonging to a major company. Strewn about on the ground were a dozen bus passengers. The man asked one of the passengers, Has anybody from the insurance company been here yet? The passenger shook his head from side to side. The man continued, Good, then you won't mind if I lie down here next to you!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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12 b**... sounds good
Dozen t**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Did you hear about the Women with 12 b**...?
Sounds ridiculous, Dozen t**...?
It always irked my single mother that her grocery store didn't carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen.
Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six. I was so excited, she told us later, that I bought two!
How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Imagine having 12 b**...
Sounds weird dozen t**...?
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Six t**... women
Sounds crazy dozen t**...?
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Six girls walking around n**... sounds weird
Dozen t**...?
Flowers
On Valentine's Day I came home with a dozen roses for my wife. She looked at me and said so I guess you want me to spread my legs now?
I said, well, I kinda thought we'd put them in a vase.
One day someone decided that the best way to refer quantities of eggs and bananas would be in multiples of 12, rather than in multiples of 10
And the whole world was ok with it.
Dozen it seem weird?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, a m**... and an Irishman are on a plane
They were seated next to each other on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Apparently I execute commands badly....
Wife sent me to the supermarket with a simple request:
#
Go to the supermarket and buy a loaf of bread
#
If they have eggs get a dozen.
#
Came home with 12 loafs of bread,
#
Still don't get why she's mad?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
broke up with the girlfriend because she was always up my a**... about being colour blind and a dozen other things
too many grey flags
My dentist gives me a new toothbrush every check up which is nice because I save them for when a lady stays the night.
So far I have about a dozen of them saved up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandpa always told us the story about how he made a dozen German troops s**... themselves in WWII.
He was probably the worst cook the r**... had.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I organized a dozen professional boxers to stand in a row and hit anyone that got near them
That was my best punchline ever
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw a m**... in a Walmart parking lot yesterday.
There must have been a dozen or more crows gathered around a piece of pizza on the ground.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I once dated a girl with twelve n**..., sounds kinda weird...
Dozen t**...?
The closest I have come to being a professional comedian.
At the farmers market they told me ears of corn were a dozen for $10 or a dollar each. I said "ooh so you've got pirate corn?!?!". And he gave me a quizzical look... I said "It's a buccaneer!" And he groaned and gave me a free ear of corn.
I got paid for my comedy, that means I'm a professional right??
What's the difference between an elephant and a dozen eggs?
Since you clearly don't know i won't sent you to the store to pick me up a dozen eggs
I thought my new ADHD meds would help my drinking and it works.
Instead of a half dozen glasses of bourbon with only a sip or two drunk from them, I actually finish them all.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
my grandpa tells us about his good old days in Hong Kong
He said, "when I was your age, I can go into the groceries with 10 dollars, and come out with 2 loaves of bread, 2 dozen of eggs, 2 kilos of potatoes, maybe a few cans of soda, plus handful of candies and probably some beef jerky."
We were like, "o**...!!! That's a lot!! 10 dollars now can only get us 2 soda!! The inflation is insane!!"
And then he was like,
"Nah!! Just there are far more CCTV these days!"
When I was in the air force, I put down over a dozen planes in air
\-You were a fighting pilot?
\-No, I was a mechanic.
