The Best 63 Dozen Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Dozen jokes. There are some dozen eighty jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these dozen twelve puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Dozen Jokes and Puns

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

There's a drunk guy in line at the grocery store...

The woman in front of him has a block of cheddar cheese, a half gallon of milk, and a dozen eggs.

He stumbles up to her and says, "Why, you must be single!"

Rather surprised, she looks at him and replies, "Yes, I am single! You could tell that just from what I'm buying?"

Without missing a beat, the drunk guy says, "No, it's 'cause you're fuckin' ugly!"

A Broken Watch

A guy is walking down the street and suddenly notices that his watch has stopped working. As he stands there musing over this discovery, he notices that the display window of a nearby shop has several dozen watches and clocks in it.

The man steps inside the door of the shop and asks the proprietor, "Excuse me, my watch has stopped working. I wonder if you can repair it for me?"

The proprietor looks up from his desk and says, "What are you talking about? I'm not a watchmaker--I'm a mohel. I perform circumcisions."

Confused, the gentleman asks, "Well then why do you have so many watches and clocks in your window?"

The mohel calmly replies, "What would you prefer that I display?"

Dozen joke, A Broken Watch

A programmer

goes to do groceries. His wife tell him:

-- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen.

He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread.

-- But why?, she asks.

-- They had eggs.

The man says to the bartender...

"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"


At the pharmacist

A guy goes to a pharmacist and asks for a dozen condoms.
The druggist asked " Would you like a paper bag?"
The guy shakes his head and says "Nah, she ain't that ugly."

Buying aspirin

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.

"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."

"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"

Dozen joke, Buying aspirin

Irish and Muslim on a plane

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

A mathematical limerick

A dozen, a gross, and a score

Plus three times the square root of four

Divided by seven

Plus five times eleven

Is nine squared and not a bit more.

Married mathematicians deciding what to get from the store.

A husband and wife are mathematicians. Husband asks the wife if she needs anything from the store. She looks in the fridge and says she needs eggs.

"How many?" he asks standing right next to her.
She yells, "4!".

He wonders for a moment why she yelled, figures it out and comes back with two dozen.

A programmers wife tells him...

A programmers wife tells him: Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.

The programmer comes back with 12 loaves of bread...

You can explore dozen thousand reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean dozen ten dad jokes. There are also dozen puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."

A Software Programmer is going to the store.....

His wife says "get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The guy comes back with 12 loaves of bread.
His wife says "why did you get so much bread?"
He says, "they had eggs.

Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombies and I have one question:

Why were they all holding bags of candy?

Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

The one who can bring his friends two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

Nudist colony

Q- How can you tell the blind guy at a nudist colony?
A- It's not hard.

Q- Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A- The one carrying a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q- Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A- The one who can eat the last donut.

Dozen joke, Nudist colony

A janitor, a security guard, and a CEO are sitting at table with a dozen Twinkies.

The CEO grabs 11 Twinkies for himself, turns to the security guard and says: "Watch out for the janitor, he wants part of your Twinkie."

A programmer heads to the shops

His wife says "grab a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get a dozen"

He comes home with twelve loaves of bread.

A wife sends her programmer husband to the grocery store for a loaf of bread...

On his way out she says "and if they have eggs, get a dozen". The programmer husband returns home with 12 loaves of bread....


A programmer went to go grocery shopping.

A programmer went to go grocery shopping. He called his wife and asked what was needed.

His wife said: "You need to get 2 loaves of bread. Oh, and also, if there's eggs, buy a dozen."

So he came home with a dozen loaves of bread.

A programmers wife tells him to buy groceries

She says buy bread, and if there are eggs get a dozen.

He came home with twelve loaves of bread

Who's the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

The one that can carry 2 cups of coffee and a dozen donuts

A woman is shopping at a grocery store.

She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".

Who is the most popular guy in the nudist colony?

The one that can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts at the same time.

The most popular woman?

The one that can eat the 12th doughnut.

A programmer's wife

A programmer's wife says: "go to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
He returns with 12 loaves of bread.

A logician is asked to go to get groceries.

His wife said: "Go get a jug of milk. If they have eggs, buy a dozen". Later, his wife said: "Why did you come back with a dozen jugs of milk?" The logician said: "They had eggs."

For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

Why is a baker's dozen 13 instead of 12?

In case one dozen come out right.

I once met a woman who had 12 nipples

That's sounds good...
Dozen tit

How much is twelve units of mass?

Dozen matter.

A computer programmer's wife sends her husband to the store.

She says, "Buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

An hour later, he returns home with twelve loaves of bread. She asks,

"Why did you get twelve loaves of bread?" Her husband replies,

"Because they had eggs."

An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight...

An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight.

The stewardess comes up and asks the Irish man if he'd like a drink. He orders a whiskey and the stewardess hands it to him.

The stewardess then asks the Muslim if he'd like a drink. "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores!" he shouts back.

The Irishman calmly hands his whiskey back to the stewardess and says "I'll have what he's having".

I made a dozen girls instantly wet yesterday because of my physique

no one can beat me at doing a cannonball in the pool.

A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store...

She says: "I need you to go get a gallon of milk, if they have eggs, get a dozen."

He comes home with 12 gallons of milk and says: "They had eggs."

A wife sends her programmer husband to the store for bread.

As he's leaving, she says, "if they have eggs, get a dozen."

He comes home with 12 loaves of bread

A husband buys a dozen of panties of the same colour for his wife.

His wife protests: " Why the same colour, people will think i don't change my panties."

Husband asks" which people?

"Back in the day," my grandfather started to say,

"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."

"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."

A wife sends her programmer husband to the store.

She says, "Buy a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

When the husband returns, he's carrying twelve gallons of milk?

"Why did you buy twelve gallons of milk" asks the wife.

"Because they had eggs" says the husband.

A prison van crashed into a cement mixer this morning...

Police are currently on the lookout for half a dozen hardened criminals.

After 10 years of marriage, wife manage to discover 5 eggs and 5.000 euros on the cabinet.

\-Darling, I'm sorry, but I went to your office and found 5 eggs and 5.000 euros , what's the deal with it?

\-Well, how can I explain it... Since the beginning of our marriage, I would store one egg for each time you annoyed me.
\-Oh, that's so sweet! And what the 5.000 euros are for?

\-I usually wait when I have a dozen of eggs before selling then.

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "There were eggs!"

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.

And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.

12 boobs sounds good

Dozen tit

Did you hear about the Women with 12 boobs?

Sounds ridiculous, Dozen Tit?

How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.

Six topless women

Sounds crazy dozen tit?

Six girls walking around naked sounds weird

Dozen tit?

How do you get a dozen Americans out of a car?

Tell them to stay inside the car.

An Irishman and a Mormon are seated next to each other on a plane...

The flight attendant asks if they'd like anything to drink. The Irishman says I'll have a double shot of Jameson, and one for my new friend here.

No no no, says the Mormon. I would rather be sodomized by a dozen disease-infested whores than to let alcohol touch my lips.

The flight attendant blushes and turns away before the Irishman interjects, forget the whiskey—I didn't realize that was an option.

Met this girl with 12 nipples today...

Sounds weird, dozen tit

I googled the "Pittsburg Steelers" today and it took me to allrecipes.com...

How to make a half dozen turnovers.

What do you get when you cross an idiom with a Freudian slip?

Six of one, and a half dozen of your mother

So, a Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane

They were seated next to each other on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A man walks into an apiary and asks for a dozen bees.

The beekeeper nods and carefully counts out 13 bees. The man realizes this and points it out, "That's one too many.

*"No worries. It's a freebie."*

I went to a beekeeper.

I asked him for a dozen bees.

When he counted them out, there were 13.

I said "hey, you gave me an extra one."

He said "that's a freebie."

I once dated a girl with twelve nipples, sounds kinda weird...

Dozen tit?

The closest I have come to being a professional comedian.

At the farmers market they told me ears of corn were a dozen for $10 or a dollar each. I said "ooh so you've got pirate corn?!?!". And he gave me a quizzical look... I said "It's a buccaneer!" And he groaned and gave me a free ear of corn.
I got paid for my comedy, that means I'm a professional right??

Programming logic

The programmer's spouse asks the programmer to go to the store

The spouse says, "Get a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread and says, "They had eggs."

Who's the most popular guy in a nudist colony?

The guy who can walk around with a cup off a coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees.

The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter.

That's one too many! says the customer.

The clerk replies It's a freebie .

The programmer's spouse asks the programmer to go to the store

The spouse says, "Get a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread and says, "They had eggs."

A guy walks into a pet shop planning on building his own apiary.

He asks for a dozen bees to get him started. The shopkeeper counts out thirteen bees and puts them in a box for him. Being honest, the guy says there's one too many, but the shopkeeper points at one and says.....

That one's a freebee

What's the difference between an elephant and a dozen eggs?

Since you clearly don't know i won't sent you to the store to pick me up a dozen eggs

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the dozen thirty jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working dozen eleven piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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