Downtown Jokes
84 downtown jokes and hilarious downtown puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about downtown that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Downtown Short Jokes
Short downtown jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The downtown humour may include short downstairs jokes also.
- I was walking downtown yesterday when this poor little old lady fell down in front of me. At least I think she was poor; she only had $2.10 in her purse.
- I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash. It was a shot in the dark, but I took it
- One time I was alone and got lost in downtown Chicago, and got jumped by four black guys. They were real nice, car started right up, and they even gave me directions back to the interstate.
- Kim Jong-Il found alive He's running a hot dog cart in downtown Seoul. It turns out he just wanted a change of Korea.
- I was downtown when approached by a woman! She said "how would you like to sleep with me for $100."
I said "I am not that tired but I could use the money!" - Two nuns are riding bikes downtown Two nuns are riding bikes downtown. One looks around and says, "I don't think I've ever come this way before."
The other nun says, "It's the cobblestone." - In News Today, a fight was started downtown by a man wearing a suit completely made of mirrors..... The police said the man apologised once he had time to sit down and reflect.
- Polishing my shoes I was walking downtown when I saw a black man carrying a tv set, and it looked just like mine. So I ran back home and to my relief mine was still there polishing my shoes.
- Have you heard about the Tempura Shelter they are opening downtown? It's a center for lightly battered women.
- A man wearing a mirrored suit.... A man wearing a mirrored suit started a fight downtown.
The police stopped the fight and told the man to reflect on his actions
Share These Downtown Jokes With Friends
Downtown One Liners
Which downtown one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with downtown? I can suggest the ones about city hall and urban.
- That music store downtown called Hot Jazz in Your Face closed People just stopped coming
- Where would Humor be without kids? Downtown at a bar with friends...
- I'm going to make a city just for people with special needs. I'll call it Downtown
- How's the new Chinese restaurant downtown? Eh...
It's tso-tso. - This popular new morgue opened up downtown... Everyone is dying to get in
- Did you see the 75th annual ninja parade in downtown Tokyo? Neither did anyone else...
- I went downtown and apparently today the shops do trick-or-treating.
- So a toothpick walks down the street Meets hedgehog and says: is this bus going downtown?
- What's a mentally disabled person's favorite part of a city? Downtown.
- What do you call two bunnies that visit all the taverns downtown? Bar hoppers
- Where do people with trisomy 21 live? Downtown.
- Uber Why was the elevator stuck downtown?
He couldn't get a Lyft - What do you call a room full of autistic kids Downtown.
Just kidding, target practice. - Have you guys seen the new thrift store that opened downtown? It's called On The Rag.
- A man insults another in downtown Dallas... Another one cries, "Shots fired!"
Downtown Chicago Jokes
Here is a list of funny downtown chicago jokes and even better downtown chicago puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Ever since I moved away from downtown Chicago... ...I really feel like I'm out of the Loop.
- Breaking news A landslide recently struck downtown Chicago, causing $3 million worth of improvements.
Cheerful Downtown Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about downtown you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean small town jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make downtown pranks.
They walk in the bar
A bartender is working at an upscale bar downtown when all of the sudden, an Englishman, a Dane, a Frenchman, a German, a Russian, an American, a Canadian, a Mexican, a Peruvian, a Brazilian, a Colombian, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Korean, 29 different Africans from all different African countries, and an Indian all walk in to the bar.
And the bartender says to them, sorry gentlemen, but you can't come here without a Thai.
^thanks ^SnW
A penguin is having car trouble...
A penguin is having car trouble, so he stops by a mechanic's shop for some repairs. He tells him he will need about an hour to find out what's wrong. The penguin walks downtown and it's a hot day, so he stops to get some ice cream. He doesn't have any arms to eat the ice cream with, so he just sticks his beak right into it. The penguin returns to the shop and the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies "Nah man, it's just ice cream."
I know a h**... downtown that charges by the inch.
I can't afford her, but you probably could.
That half man, half horse...
Did you hear about the half man, half horse causing a ruckus downtown last night? He was k**... over trash cans, yelling at people, just going crazy. The cops finally showed up, calmed him down, and asked "Why are you doing this?" Apparently he wanted to be the centaur of attention.
A drunk is walking around downtown...
When he walks up to a cop to complain that his car has been stolen.
The cop asks, "Well, where was the last place you saw it?"
The drunk says, "It was right here at the end of this key."
The cop says, "Well, I suggest you go over to the station house and fill out a report."
The drunk starts to walk away when the cop says, "Hey, before you go, you might want to zip your fly."
The drunk looks down and says, "Aw, man, they got my girl, too."
Morris Schwartz is dying and on his deathbed.
He is surrounded by his nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"h**..., I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."
Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the s**... had a newspaper route."
Morning Jew
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"h**..., I want you to take the offices over in City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? The s**... had a paper round!"
I was walking downtown, and I saw a sign advocating veganism, that showed a pig and a dog.
It said, "why love one and eat the other?"
I thought to myself, "that is a good point. I should start eating dogs."
So I saw these two guys fighting with a woman over her purse.
Being my first time in downtown New York, I didn't know if I should help out or intervene. Reluctantly I decided to lend a hand. Between the three of us, it didn't take us long to get the purse away from her.
~Garrison Keillor
Three year old goes to prison.
A police officer was investigating a noise complaint coming from a daycare in downtown Detroit. The officer realized that it was just a three year old kid k**... and screaming because he didn't want to nap during nap time. The officer charged the child with resisting a rest, and took him to prison.
I got jumped by three black men downtown the other day...
They were quite polite the whole time they were jumping me. Even gave me directions to the nearest auto parts store so I could get a new car battery.
A priest is doing some community work downtown...
...when he is propositioned by a h**....
"Hey Father, I'll give the best b**... of your life for $10."
Confused, the priest replies "No thank you, my dear."
Later, back at the church, he approaches one of the nuns.
"Sister, this is kind of embarrassing, but what's a b**...?"
"Oh, you know," says the nun, "$10, same as downtown."
There are a ton of nihilists protesting downtown today...
They're part of the #NoLivesMatter movement.
I was walking downtown and I saw two homeless guys kissing...
and I said, "C'mon you two, get a box."
I had to go downtown the other day for a meeting about fireplaces.
It was at a real hole in the wall.
A hole has appeared in the ladies' changing rooms at the downtown sports club.
Police are looking into it.
Went on a weird blind date
We met at a place downtown. My date introduced himself as Tim.
"So Tim, what do you do for a living?"
He hesitated for a second, "I work for the thought police."
I was clearly taken aback.
Tim: "Now, before you say anything...I know what you're thinking..."
Rudolf
So a man and his wife were walking downtown when suddenly it started to precipitate
"It's raining" said the man
"No dear... it's definitely snowing" said the wife
Just then, the local communist, Rudolf, walks by
"It's raining" he says without blinking an eye
"See?" said the man
"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"
Fans around the globe are rockin' out to Mariah Carey's latest hit single ...
"*The Monitors Are Down ...*", performed live for the first time today in downtown New York City, has been praised for a unique nihilistic style and pertinent statements regarding the internet-induced apathy of today's youth.
Pun competition
One day, a man was sitting at home with a beer in hand when he read about a pun competition being held downtown. He got up early the next morning and came up with the best puns he had ever seen, and entered his 10 best puns hoping he would win, but unfortunately no pun in 10 did.
Three Men Downtown
Three men were taking a stroll downtown.
Two of them walked into a bar.
The third one ducked.
My Night Out On The Town
Last Night, I went to a really fancy nightclub downtown. The doorman said, Sorry mate, you've had too many.
I said, Drinks?
He said, Birthdays.
Did you hear about the new Christmas restaurant downtown?
They have an eggs Benedict dish that they service on car hub caps - it's called there's no plates like chrome for the hollandaise
Credit to Colin Mochrie.
A cabby picked up 3 rather large women and was taking them downtown. As they were talking he thought he detected a Scottish accent. he asked "Are you three ladies from Scotland?"
They looked at each other silently, then one of the sneered at him and said "It's Wales, you idiot."
"Oh, excuse me. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
Waking downtown in front of a gay bar I noticed there wasn't a door.
Seems all the patrons prefer the back entrance.
I'm writing a TV show about a girl named Abigail who moves to the big city
It's called Downtown Abbie.
A communist joke often told by Ronald Reagan
Two Russian friends were taking a walk downtown during the height of the Soviet Union. The one looks around at his country and says "is this it? Have we achieved peak Communism?"
The other responds "oh, no my friend, it gets much worse."
A blind man was walking downtown and he stumbled upon the fish market.....
As he enters the market with his seeing eye dog all of a sudden he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are
you doing?!!"
The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
Where do r**... people live?
Downtown
Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.
A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he's calling an important client. Offer them no more than $3 million! he shouts
down the phone. And tell them that if it isn't finished by next week, they won't get a penny! After hanging up , the man says to the visitor, "Hello? Can I help you?" And the visitor replies, Yes, I'm from the phone company. I've come to connect your phone line.
Old number 51628
A man is taking his giraffe for a walk downtown. He gets tired and stops at a bar. As the man sits down the giraffe goes and lays down in the corner.
The bartender says to the man: Hey! You can't just leave that lyin' around!
Man: It's not a lion. It's a giraffe.
The police are investigating the recent shootout at a fancy downtown restaurant.
There are no reports of casual tees.
A Man walks up to a pair of ladies in Downtown London
Man: Good Afternoon are you ladies from England?
One of the Ladies Wales
Man: My apologies...Are you Whales from England
My girlfriend keeps joking she's addicted to chocolate.
She eats it every chance she gets. I finally got so fed up that I took her downtown to see a homeless j**.... I pointed at him and said, Now that, see that? Why can't you be that skinny?
Cop: Suspect is dancing n**... downtown.
Dispatcher: Copy that.
Cop: I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.
An old joke I once heard from a friend, never fails to crack me up
A homeless man finds a shiny lamp by the road while trying to find a place to pass the night.
Picking it up, the man was just about to shove it in his bag when a genie appeared out of it.
"I can grant you one wish." Said the genie.
Not wanting to waste the wish, the man spent much time to think of the best wish.
"I want an apartment, make it a big one and make sure it's in downtown." The man said.
The genie shook his head.
"I can't fulfill that wish."
The man was disappointed. "I thought you were supposed to be able to do anything!"
The genie simply said: "Do you think I would be living in this lamp if I could afford a place of my own?"
An American tourist is hit by a car in downtown Sydney, AU.
He is in a coma for 24 hours. When he wakes up in the hospital, he is very disoriented.
"Did I come here to die?" he asks.
The nurse replies, "No, love, you came here yestadie!"
A joke from an old timer at a dive bar
How did the female deer get back at her cheating husband?
She went downtown and blew a few bucks.
*I used to work next to a dive bar and would pop in there for a beer after my shift. One of the old timers was a guy named Doc and he told me this joke almost every day. He passed away a few years ago, but I thought y'all might appreciate it. RIP, Doc ♥️
An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by
Then he spoke: Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses. Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center. Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours. To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.
The nurse was really impressed. She said, Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you.
And the wife responded, What property? … the s**... had a paper route!!
$50k in hair extentions was stolen from a downtown hair salon,
Police are still combing the area for clues.
When I was a boy, my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill
But instead, I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck.
I told my dad when I got home and he beat my a**....
The next morning, however, there was a brand new truck in the driveway.
We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from the electric company there to turn off the lights.
So dad beat my a**... again
When I was a boy my dad gave me money....
When I was a boy my dad gave my money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my a**... but the next morning in the driveway sat a new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from electric company there to turn the lights off.
....Dad beat my a**... again ....
What is a q**...?
A Father was returning to the church from a meeting he had in the city when a street walker approached him and said ... hey father $25 for a q**...! The father blessed her and continued on his way. Once back at the church he pull a nun aside and asked ... sister, what is a q**...? ... The sister replied ... $25 just like it is downtown!
Was driving through downtown Pigeon Forge and dropped this one…
So Pigeon Forge, Tennessee (US), is a HUGE tourist trap. We're talking zip lines, roller coasters, Ripley's Believe it or Not museum, Ferris wheels, life sized King Kong, etc.
Anywhoo, I was driving the family through this insanity when my wife pointed out a building to the kids and said look at that one with all the giraffes on top! I wonder what that is! Without missing a beat I said, Welcome, to Giraffic Park! And hummed the theme song while navigating through a left hand turn. I was proud and laughed out loud at my own joke. My 7 year old loved it.
A knight
A guy walks into his usual bar and orders a beer. He notices a full suit of armor standing on display by the bar. "Where did you get that?" the guy asks the bartender. "I picked it up at an antique store downtown," the bartender says. "It only cost $2,500." "Geez, all that money for a knight?" the guy exclaims. "Oh, no," the bartender hastens to reassure him. "You get to keep it forever."
A drunk was walking down the street and bumped into a cop.
The drunk says to the cop, "Man, somebody stole my car."
Cop says, "Well, where was it?"
The drunk says, "It was right here on the end of this key."
Cop replies, "I dunno man, you better go down to the precinct and report it down there and they'll fill out all the proper paperwork."
The drunk turns around to leave but the cop stops him and says, "Whoa there, before you head downtown you better zip up your fly."
The drunk looks down and says, "Aw man, they got my girl too."
The joke I always think of when asked what's your favourite joke?
Didja hear about the Cutlery Gang downtown? They've started pronouncing the silent 'k' in words. Those kniving b**...!
(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt.
When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger.
Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve n**...".
Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my d**... cheeseburger".
Woman visits a bank on downtown NYC...
...and asks for a short-term $10,000 loan. Banker asks her for collateral, and she hands him the keys to her Mercedes. She says she's going on a vacation, and will return the following week to repay the debt and retrieve her car.
Week later, she picks up the vehicle and pays back the loan, plus $50 interest.
Banker says, "Thanks for doing business with us. But, while you were away, we did a bit of research and discovered you are an extremely wealthy woman. Why did you need a loan?"
She replied, "Where else can I park my vehicle for $50 for a week in NYC?"
