Downstairs Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

A woman was having a shower

when the door-bell rang.

"It's the blind man" he called.

That's ok, she thought so she quickly ran downstairs naked to open the door.

"Nice tits" he said. "Now, where do you want those blinds?"

Burglars are getting very clever these days..

Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.

Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

My parents asked me if I wanted to watch Dumb and Dumber with them tonight..

When I went downstairs the debate was on.

A little boy comes downstairs in the middle of the night and asks for a cup of water.

Dad: OK, but that's the 730th one you've had tonight...

Boy: I know, but my room's still on fire

I went to a brothel and met a prostitute

I asked her what are the prices?
She said:

£20 for a hand job


£50 for a blow job


£80 for sex


And for £120, i'll do anything!


Anything hmmm....


She's now fitting my downstairs bathroom and repainting my living room.

You can ge some real bargains if you shop around!

How to get free internet @ home

I live in an apartment complex so I have neighbors left to right and below me. One day I asked my neighbor if he was interested in splitting the cost of my wifi 50/50 so he could also use it. He agreed. I went on to my other neighbor downstairs and asked him the same thing. Now both my neighbors are paying for my wifi.

So I was walking downstairs from my apartment and my elbow hit the chest of a girl whom I had never seen.

"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your chest then you will forgive me", I said to her.

"If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I live on the 4th floor", she replied.

A priest dies and goes to the gates of Heaven

The priest approaches the bouncer aka St. Peter.

After perusing the list, Peter can't find the priest's name, and tells him to go downstairs to the waiting room until further notice.

Meanwhile, a taxi driver who died at the same time approached the gates.

St. Peter welcomes him with open arms and lets him straight into Heaven.

The priest is dumbfounded. I've preached to thousands of people throughout my life! I've baptized children and converted many to the church! I've lived a holy life!

St. Peter shakes his head and responds:
When you preached, people slept...

When he drove, people prayed.

today my internet went out for About 3 minutes......

Met my family downstairs. They seem like nice people.

What's the best part about dating a black girl?

Not having to wait for her downstairs with her father.

My internet was down for 5 minutes today

So I went downstairs and spoke to my family. They seem like nice people.

A quick guide on "How to fall downstairs"...

Step 1

Step 6

Step 8, 9, 10, 11...

A guy walks into a whorehouse...

A guy walks into a whorehouse with $2 in his pocket. The man in charge says well for two dollars there's a dead hooker upstairs, you can have your way with her for ten minutes.

Ten minutes later, the patron comes back downstairs and the man in charge asks him how it was.

"It was okay, but the only thing is her nose kept running."

"Ahhh," said the man in charge, "she must be full."

A homeless vagabond approaches a woman, who is about to commit suicide from by throwing her self from the rooftop.

Vagabond says
- excuse me, lady. I know you are very depressed. But you know... eh... I've never been with a woman, can you sleep with me, your going to kill your self anyway...
Woman replies
-what, are you crazy!
To what he answers
-fine, I'll wait downstairs!

A 7 year old and 4 year old are in their bedroom....

"You know what" says the 7 year old. "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go down for breakfast I'll swear first, then you."

"OK" says the 4 year old.

They go downstairs and the mom asks what they'd like for breakfast.

"I'll have Coco pops bitch!"

WHACK! He flew out of his chair bawling his eyes out.

The mom looked at the 4 year old and sternly said "And what do you want?"

"Don't know, but it won't be fucking Coco pops"

I was in bed with my wife....

........and was having a terrible headache. I said Go and get me something for this headache, its terrible . She went downstairs and I was lying there and she started poking me in the back with a broom handle? I said What the hell you doing woman ? She said Well its what you do when I'm in bed and say I've got a headache

An elderly man was on his deathbed.

A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.

So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.

"No! Those are for the funeral!"

Blonde Guy

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.

"You rotten bastard," says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!

The Heart Attack

THE HEART ATTACK

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to use the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son says
"Mummy mummy, aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom
right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog
while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage,
as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection
and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom...

'I think it's about time we started swearing', says the 7 year old. 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast - 'Oh, shit Mom, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops bitch'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know, but it sure as shit won't be fucking Coco Pops'.


Kinda old but i only just heard this one, gold.

"What are those things on mommy's chest?"

A young boy once asked his father: "DAD, what are those things on mommy's chest?" The father replied: "Son, those are mommy's balloons you see, before she dies they get pumped up and she floats to heaven."

A couple days later, the father comes home early from work and sits on the couch. The young boy runs downstairs screaming: "DAD! DAD! MOM'S DYING!" The father get's up quickly and asks: "WHAT'S WRONG!!" The young boy replies: "UNCLE JAKE'S UPSTAIRS BLOWING UP MOMMY'S BALLOONS AND SHE'S YELLING OH GOD I'M COMING!"

A man is getting into the shower...

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

when the boys started to swear...

There are two brothers, aged four and six.

The six year old says "You know, it's about time we started to swear."

The four year old says "OK."

The six year old says "From now on I'll say 'HELL' and you say 'ASS.'

"The four year old says "OK."

So they go downstairs and their mother says
"What would you boys like for breakfast?
"The six year old says "Oh what the hell, I'll have corn flakes."

WHACK!

The kid goes flying across the room.

The mother turns to the four year old and asks "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

The four year old says

"I don't know, but you can bet your ass it's not corn flakes."

Paddy had broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "how you doin?"
Paddy says, "Okay, do me a favour mate. Run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's 19 years old twin daughters lying on the bed. He says, " your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, " get away with ya....prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fucking one?"

An engineer wakes up one morning and goes downstairs.

He sees a note an the fridge from his wife. It read This isn't working. I'm at my mother's. He opened the fridge and discovered it was working just fine.

A six-year-old and a four-year-old are about to go downstairs for breakfast.

The six-year-old says to the four-year-old, "All right, we're gonna start cussing today. I'm gonna use hell in a sentence, and you're gonna use ass." The four-year-old agrees, and they go downstairs.

The children's mom asks the boys what they would like for breakfast. "Aw, hell, I think I'll have some Cheerios," says the six-year-old. The mother whacks the kid back up the stairs.

"And what would YOU like, young man?" asks the mother.

"You bet your sweet ass I don't want any Cheerios."

Christmas isn't fair

You save all year to buy the kids their presents for Christmas and when you come downstairs on Christmas morning some fat cunt with a beard gets all the credit.



Mind you it was probably my fault for marrying her!

Woman can't get mating dogs apart

A woman had two dogs that she hadn't had fixed, but always kept them from mating. One night she wakes up at 2 AM to this terrible howling.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and is unable to separate them.

She called her vet ,who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.

Do you think that will work? she asked.

Just worked for me, he replied.

The Heart Attack

A blonde man gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs only to find his wife naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting. 'What's happening!?' he asks.


'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the wife. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy Daddy! Uncle George is hiding in the closet & he has no clothes on."

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past his wife. Rips open the closet door and sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked and cowering on the floor. 'YOU SICK BASTARD!! My wife's having a heart attack, and all you're doing is running around naked and scaring the kids!!'

This one is best said out loud.

A young boy wakes up on his birthday and heads downstairs. His family is poor, so his dad can only give him a duck and send him to town to trade for a gift.

Along the way, he runs into a prostitute who is heading home after a quiet night. The prostitute says "Hey kid, how'd you like to have some fun?"

The kid only has the duck to trade, but the prostitute agrees. Afterward, the prostitute is so impressed by the kid that she wants to have sex again. He doesn't really want to, so she offers him the duck to do it again and he agrees.

As the kid is walking back home with his duck, a truck comes flying around the corner and just misses him, but completely squashes the duck.

The truck driver jumps out of the cab and says, "Oh no, kid, I'm so sorry! Let me pay for the duck. Here's $24. It's all I have."

The kid shrugs and takes the money and heads home where his Dad greets him at the door. "So, did you have a fun birthday?"

"Sure did, Dad. I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 24 bucks for a fucked-up duck."

...Blonde dog!

...Blonde lying in bed with her husband listening to next door neighbours' dog barking for hours and hours every night!
* **blonde:** "I've had enough of this," ....the blonde runs downstairs, finally returns back to bed.

* **husband:** "The dog is still barking. What have you done?"

* **blonde:** "I've put their dog in our yard, now we'll see how they like it!"

One morning, Harry wakes up..

...and goes downstairs into the kitchen. It's his birthday. It's the third day of the third month and Harry is thirty three years old. He notices that the kitchen clock has broken and stopped at 3:30am. On the radio, the weather announces that the temperature is 33 degrees. Opening the sporting section of his newspaper, he turns to page three; he sees that a horse called 'Triple Treble' is running in the 3.30. He rings up a bookmaker and puts £333 on it to win.
It comes in third.

So this general contractor...

Is working on the 5th floor of a new apartment complex, he takes a measurement then goes to his tools for his handsaw, only to see that it wasn't with his stuff. After looking around the floor a bit he steps onto the half-built balcony to look down at his truck. Lo and behold, his handsaw is sitting right on his bumper. He's about to walk downstairs to get it when he sees his apprentice approaching the truck. The boss yells and gets his attention, but the apprentice can't seem to make out what he's saying through the distance and all the sounds of construction.

The boss thinks for a second and starts motioning with his hands: first he points to his eye... "I"

Then he points to his knee..."need"

Then he points at himself and makes a sawing motion with his hand..."my saw"

The apprentice considers for a second, unzips his pants and starts masturbating furiously.

The contractor can't believe his eyes, and stares for 5...10...15 seconds then gets fed up, cursing his whole way down the stairs.
When he finally gets to his truck, the apprentice is still there tugging away.

"WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I SAID I NEEDED MY SAW" fumes the boss

"I know" replied the kid... "I said I was coming"

Wife just got out the shower...

The husband is hopping into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the door-bell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Bob looks a bit flustered from seeing her in the towel, but smiles and says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking about it she realises she has the chance of earning $800 within a minute, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

A man comes home from work...

...and walks upstairs to find his wife flushed, naked and panting on his bed. Bewildered he asks "What's going on?!"

"I think... I'm having... a heartattack!" she replies. In a panic the man runs downstairs to call an ambulance.

When he put down the phone is son is right next to him. "Dad, I think I saw uncle Gary naked in the closet."

So he marches upstairs into his bedroom and opens his wardrobe. Sure enough his brother Gary is in there.

He lets out a disappointed sigh.

"You're a right piece of work you are...

The wife's having a heart attack and you're running round naked scaring the kids!"

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.....

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.... "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"

The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met."

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses....... The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"

"I remember that, too" she replied softly...

He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

Husband and wife are in bed one night...

when the doorbell rings. The wife says "I'll get it" and goes downstairs and opens the door and it's the next door neighbor. Neighbor whispers "look, I'll give you a hundred bucks if you just open your robe for me..." so the woman shrugs and opens her robe for a few seconds and the neighbor smiles and gives the woman a hundred dollar bill. Wife gets back in bed and husband goes "who was it?" And the wife says "oh it was just the neighbor." And the husband goes, "did he give you the hundred bucks that he owes me?"

An old-timer told me this so it can't be that fresh but I had never heard it and thought it was good.

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.

It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.

He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!

A young man shows up...

...to pick up a girl, Carrie, for their first date. When he rings the doorbell, Carrie's father answers the door and says, "Carrie is still getting ready, but she'll come downstairs in a few minutes. Why don't you come in and tell me what your plans are for this evening?"

The young man replies, "Well, sir, I guess I just figured we'd go to a soda shop or see a movie or something."

To which the father replies, "Well, those are nice ideas, but you know what Carrie really loves? She loves to screw. Why, she'd screw all night if you let her. Why don't you two do that?"

To which the young man delightedly replies, "Well, yes, that sounds like a great idea!"

Just then Carrie comes down the stairs and the couple leaves.

A few minutes later she bursts back into the house, slams the door and yells, "Dammit Daddy, it's called the twist!"

A wife comes downstairs to her husband and says...

A wife comes downstairs to her husband and says...

"I've got a surprise for you. You know how we haven't been at it for a while and I've kinda let things go down their? Well, I've shaved everywhere under my eyebrows and I'm ready for some fun!"

Looking rather disappointed, the husband let out a sigh and went back to reading his paper.

"What's the problem?" His wife asked.

"Well now I've got to clean the fucking plughole."

A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition

A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.

He'd only have sex with the lights off.

The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.

However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.

She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.

There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do."

The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".

20 years

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'either you marry my daughter, or will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today."

The Bar's Basement Challenge

Three guys walk into a bar and see a poster:

*The Basement Challenge*

*If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free beer forever.*

*Signed*

*Pappy O'Hooligan*

They tell the bartender they're in and he leads the first guy downstairs.

The first guy walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there."

So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour.

Finally, the third man goes down. When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it.

He says, "Easy! I took a shit in one corner and sat in the other corner!"

Two brothers at breakfast

Two brothers are in up their room about to head down for breakfast. The older brother decides it's time for them to start swearing. He informs his younger brother: " at the breakfast table today I'll say hell and you say ass". The younger brother agrees and they go downstairs. The boy's mother asks the older brother: "what do you want for breakfast honey?". The boy replies, "aw hell ma, I'll just have some Cheerios". The mother smacks him upside the head and he runs upstairs crying. Angrily, she looks at her other son and asks, "and you!?". The boy replies, "I'm not sure, but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Old man John was dying...

As he was laying on his deathbed he told his caretaker, Steve, to bring him his socks from downstairs since his feet were cold and he wanted to be as comfortable as possible. Steve went downstairs and saw John's two daughters on the couch. He went up to them and said:
''Your father wont't make it, and his last dying wish is for me to have sex with you.''
Not believing him, the two girls asked for proof.
''John, both of them?''
''Of course both of them you fucking moron!''

Carl has a broken leg

Carl has a broken leg and his buddy Nick comes over to see him.

Nick says, "How you doin'?"

Carl says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Nick goes upstairs and sees Carl's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."

Nick shouts downstairs, "Carl, both of 'em?"

Carl shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"

Just heard Dad tell this joke to Mum.

Just heard Dad telling this joke to Mum...

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you
swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.

'Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops '

**WHACK**...**she spanks him**

He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops'

"Medical" examination

"Take off your clothes and lie down on the table" Said the Doctor. The young lady did as she was told reluctantly.
"I am just going to feel your breasts for lumps". He duly did and she let him.
"Now I am going to put on these gloves and just check your downstairs. I'll warn you, the gel is a bit cold".
The girl spoke up "Excuse me Doctor, but do you do this for everyone who comes on board the Tardis?"

$800 owed

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

You have some explaining to do...

A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.
He'd only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.
However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.
She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.
There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do."
The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".

Bill Gates wakes up one morning...

...goes downstairs and is shocked to see his two polish housekeepers are nowhere to be seen.

He yells for his wife "Honey, where the hell have the maids gone?"

"Oh, Steve Jobs knocked on the door this morning" Replied his wife. "He offered both the house keepers twice what you're paying them to come and work for him, they couldn't pass the offer up!"

Furious, Bill slams his fists down on the table "Fucking Jobs!" he screams "Coming over here and taking our immigrants!"

$800

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, Who was that?
It was Bob the next door neighbor, she replies.
Great, the husband says, Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?

A 7 year old and a 5 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know what? says the 7 year old, I think it's about time we started swearing ....

The 5 year old nods his approval. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok? .
Ok the younger one agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
Oh, bollocks mum, I guess I'll have some fucking Coco Pops! .
She administers a sound thrashing and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?
I don't know, he blubbers, but it won't be fucking Coco Pops .

There was a little boy celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

Thanksgiving Dinner

Thanksgiving dinner and all of the family is around.

A little boy wonders upstairs and stumbles upon his dad shaving. His dad slips shaving and cuts himself and exclaims "Shit!"

The little asks "Daddy what does that mean?"
The father replies " Oh, it is just means the shaving cream, that's all. No run along"

He wonders downstairs and stumbles upon his Mom and his Grandpa playing cards. The grandpa loses and yells "You Bitch!"
The little boy inquires "Grandpa what does that mean?" Grandpa replies "It is just a term used for playing cards, now run along."

He wonders into the kitchen and sees his grandma carving the turkey and she slips and cuts her self and shouts "Fuck!" The little boy inquires "Grandma what does that mean?" She replies " It is just an expression for cutting the turkey"

The door bell rings and the little boys answers it and it is his aunt and uncle.

He answers the door and proceeds to tell them what everyone is doing.

"Hi, my dad is upstairs putting shit on his face, my mom is downstairs bitching to my grandpa, and grandma is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

2 little brothers wanted to make mommy mad.

Little Kyle is 4 years old and his brother Timmy is 3.
Kyle says "Hey, Timmy. Want to make mommy mad?"
"Sure! How?" Timmy says.
Kyle tells him "We gotta say a bad word, I'll say a 4 letter word since I'm 4. You have to say one that's 3 letters."
"OK! This sounds like fun!" said Timmy.
The 2 boys proceed downstairs for breakfast, and see their mommy getting ready for work.
"OK, Kyle what do you want for breakfast?" Their mommy says.
He replies "I'll have some DAMN cheerios."
Their mommy, completely shocked, smacks Kyle in the mouth due to his foul language. Still mad she asks Timmy what he wants for breakfast. Timmy says "Well, you can bet your ass I don't want cheerios."

A woman was getting out of the shower

As her husband was getting in; and she heard the door bell and quickly wrapped herself in a towel and went downstairs. She opened the door and it was their next door neighbor, Mike. He said, I'll give you eight hundred dollars if you drop that towel right now. She thought, well that's a lot of money, so she dropped the towel. He gave her the money and left. She went upstairs and told her husband that the neighbor Mike had come by. He asked if he gave her the eight hundred dollars he owed him.

The Horny Husband

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I cant believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"

Dead Hooker

A man enters a brothel with only 5$. He asks the madam what he can get for his 5$. She tells him he can fuck the dead hooker in the attic. Seeing as how he doesn't have much choice he agrees. 10 minutes later he comes downstairs and goes back to the madam. He says, "I don't think she was dead. Just as I finished she got a runny nose!". The madam smiles and says, "No, she's dead. That just means she's full."

An elderly couple live next to a highway...

One night they wake up to hear a knock at the door. The husband, grumbling about the late hour, gets up, heads downstairs and opens the door to see a stranger.

The stranger says, "Terribly sorry to wake you but I was wondering if you could give me a push?"

The elderly man replies that it is the middle of the night and he is too old for physical exertion. He then heads back to bed. Upon getting in bed the wife asked him what happened and is shocked to hear that he did not help the stranger. "Go outside and help him right now!" she demands.

The old man begrudgingly gets dressed and walks outside. He looks left and right and doesn't see the man or his car anywhere along the highway. "Where are you?" he shouts.

"Over here on the swings!"

Prove it! NSFW

Paddy had broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "how you doin?"
Paddy says, "Okay, do me a favour mate. Run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's 19 years old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, " your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, " get away with ya....prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fucking one?"

A 7 yr old and a 4 yr old are in their bedroom...

The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing"

The brother nods in agreement.

"When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old.

The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast.

"I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!"

The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair.

The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be fucking cocoa puffs!"

Monday...

A man wakes up with a terrible hangover. Going downstairs he says to his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool out of myself at the company party last night, what exactly did I say?". She replies,"you got into an argument with your boss." He looks at her and says "well piss on him." That is what you told him and he fired you she says, "well screw him!" he shouts. She looks at her husband and says..."I did, you go back to work on Monday!"

Blonde Breakfast Dilemma

A man watches as his blonde girlfriend comes downstairs to make breakfast.

At first she attempts to lift the stove, struggles, and sighs.

Next she tries lifting the microwave, again to no avail. Finally she lifts the toaster and smiles, makes toast and eats her breakfast.

This goes on for a couple of days before her boyfriend finally asks what in the world is going on.

The blonde replies, "My new medication doesn't allow me to operate heavy machinery and the toaster is the only thing I can lift."

"Dog Sitting"

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, she called the veterinarian. Although it was late, he answered in a very grumpy voice. After having explained the problem to him, the vet said "Hang up the phone and place it alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise from the ringing will make the male dog lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Well, it just worked for me." he replied.

What are the funniest downstairs jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Downstairs? Well, here are the best Downstairs puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Downstairs pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes