downs Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious downs puns

A man walks into a bar... (NSFW)

He orders nine shots.

The bartender apprehensive asks, "whats the occasion?"

The man mumbles, "first blowjob."

The bartender brightens up and pours nine shots and lays them out.

The man downs all nine in a row.

The bartender still smiling says,

"hey, make it an even ten. On the house."

The man shakes his head,

"No thanks. If the first nine didn't wash out the taste, I doubt one more would help."

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the man immediately downs them one after another. The bartender says " are you ok, I've never seen anyone drink like that." The man replied "if you had what I have you would drink like that too." The bartender asks "that's rough, what do you have?"

The man replies "about $.50".

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First Blowjob

A young man walks into a bar, orders five shots of whisky, and quickly downs them all.

The bartender says, "Whoa there buddy. That's a lot of shots. What's going on?"

The man replies, "First blowjob today."

The bartender says, "Well congratulations! I'll tell you what, have another drink. It's on me."

"No thanks." says the man, "If the first five didn't get the taste out of my mouth, I doubt the sixth is going to do much."

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"Hand me downs"

Apparently not the right way to ask the wife to hand me our disabled baby.

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What do you call a high person with Downs Syndrome?

A baked potato.

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Lemonade

A man stumbles upon a little girl's lemonade stand and asks, "How much for a glass?" "First one's twenty-five cents," she responds. He hands her the money, downs the lemonade, and asks for another. "The second cup is twenty-five dollars", she states. Confused, the man asks, "Why?"

"This one has the antidote."

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An alcoholic is sitting at a bar

He orders two shots. He proceeds to pour out the first one all over the bar, downs the second one and then orders two more. He pours out the first one on the bar, downs the second one and orders two more.

The bartender asks him why he keeps pouring out the first shot all over the bar.

The alcoholic replies with "My AA group said all I need to do is avoid that first drink."

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The man says to the bartender...

"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"

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All lawyers are assholes...

A man walks into a bar, obviously pissed off. He orders a double shot of whiskey, downs it in one gulp, slams his fist down on the bar, and exclaims "GodDAMN it, all lawyers are ASSHOLES!"

The guy next to him stands up, looking ready to fight. "You take that back!"

The first man backs down "Sorry, buddy, I just had a really shitty day. I didn't realize you were a lawyer."

The second guy shouts "I'M NOT! I'M AN ASSHOLE!"

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A guy takes a shot at a bar and looks in his shirt pocket

A guy takes a shot at a bar and looks in his shirt pocket. He calls the bartender over and asks for another shot. Again, he downs the shot and looks back in his pocket.

He continues to do this and the bartender finally says, Every time Iļø pour you a shot, you down it, look in your pocket and order another. What's in your pocket?

The guy responds, A picture of my wife. When she starts to look good I'll head home.

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Being attracted to my own flaccid penis really sucks.

But it does have its ups and downs.

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WALKS INTO A BAR DOUBLE VODKAS

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.
When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

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Gimme a triple shot of Jack

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say?"
The man says, "I told him, BAD DOG!! BAD DOG!!"

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Cheating wife

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp.
"Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said.
"I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house".
The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? "
The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said bad dog.

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A girl asked me what it's like to have a dick

It has it's ups and downs

It's hard sometimes

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My first dad joke as a new father

Fiance: "What's the difference between a carousel and a merry go round?"

Me: "I don't know but they have their ups and downs"

...it begins

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At a bar, the Sailors and Marines are arguing about who can drink the most.

The bartender says, "Can anyone drink 10 pints in 2 minutes?"
The place goes quiet until one sailor pipes up, "I'll bet I can."
Instead of running up to the bar, he runs out the door.
A few minutes later, he's back. "Line 'em up," he yells.
The bartender pours the pints and sure enough, the sailor downs them in 2 minutes.
Amongst the cheers and back-slapping, the bartender asks, "where'd ya go just now before the contest?"

The sailor looks up, bleary eyed, "I went to the bar across the street to see if I could do it!"

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An Englishman, an Aussie and an Irishman walk into a bar

They each order a beer, when they come all three have a fly floating in them. The Englishman immediately calls the waitress over and demands a new drink. The Aussie shrugs his shoulders and downs the beer, fly and all. The Irishman grabs the fly and yells at him you thieving shit, spit it out, spit it out!

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Witch Doctor

(If this joke offends you, I'm sorry. There's the door.)

So this guy walks into a bar and orders two beers. He downs one and empties the other into his pocket. He orders a second round and does the same thing.

After a couple more rounds of this the bartender gets kinda worried and says to the man "You know, it's your money and your beer, so who am I to say what you can and can't do with it... I'd just hate to think you're making a mess I'll have to clean up."

The man looks at him and says "Not to worry, I have an eight inch man
In my pocket drinking all those beers."

Incredulous, the bartender say that's impossible. So the man reaches in his pocket and pulls out an eight inch tall man who he sets on the bar. He walks around a bit and the bartender hands him another beer which he begins to drink.

Turning back to the regular sized man, the bartender asks "does he talk?"

The man laughs and says "Sure he talks! Hey, Kevin, tell him about the time you called that witch doctor a stupid nigger."

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A man goes into a bar

He says "give me a drink before the trouble starts"

Bartender gives him a drink, he drinks it and says "give me another drink before the trouble starts"

He downs that one and says "give me another drink before the trouble starts"

Another one down and again "give me another drink before the trouble starts"

Bartender asks "when's this trouble going to start?"

The man says "as soon as you realize I don't have any money"

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NSFW - Young man goes into a bar after a bad day

A young man goes into a bar and orders six shots of the cheapest vodka. The bartender pours them up and watches as he downs them all. He says, "It looks like you've had a tough day."

"Yep," the young man replies, "I found out my big brother Frank is a homosexual."

"Oh, I see." The bartender leaves him to stew over his troubles.

The next day, the young man comes in again and places the same order.

The bartender asks, "Still worried about your big brother Frank?"

"Well, yes, but today I found out my big brother Bill is also queer."

The next day the young man comes in again and places the same order and the bartender says, "Surely you don't have another brother you found out is a queer."

"Oh no," the young man replies, "today I found out my dad is gay, too."

"Well, it sounds like you've had a rough week. You better be careful though, all that cheap vodka will cause your ass to burn."

"Is that right? And here I was convinced it was the sex."

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A guy goes into a sperm bank...

Wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.

He points the gun at the receptionist and says "go grab me some sperm from the back!"

The frightened receptionist runs to the back and brings back a few containers.

He points the gun at her and says "drink it!"

She says "drink it? But... Why? Don't you want money or something?" To which he yells back, "drink it!"

She downs the whole thing and the guy takes off his mask revealing it to be the woman's husband. He smiles and says "see honey, it's not so bad!"

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Life is like a basketball...

It has its ups and downs and is controlled by people that are taller and make more money than you.

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Why is it best to ship boxes using a UPS truck?

The DOWNS truck is a little slow.

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A man sits down at the bar and orders 5 shots of whiskey.

Bartender pours them, and watches as the man downs them in rapid succession.

"Rough night?" The bartender asks.

"My first blowjob" the man replies.

The bartender, excited for the gentleman, exclaims "Hell that's something to celebrate, have another shot on me!"

As he pours, the man replies "that's ok. If the first 5 didn't get rid of the taste, that one probably won't either..."

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A Man Walks Into a Bar

So a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,"Hey got any specials tonight?" The bartender tells the man tonight there is a challenge, first you have to drink this glass of vodka, then you have to go out back and pull a tooth from an alligator, and finally you have to go upstairs and have sex with a woman. The man at first says no way, but after a few drinks he decides to do the challenge. The bartender hands him the glass of vodka and he downs it. He then goes outside to the alligator. He's out there for a while and making a lot of noise. When he finally comes back in the bartender asks,"What took you so long?" The man replies, "Where is that woman who needs her tooth pulled?"

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I just got a new job as an elevator engineer

It has its ups and downs

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Shot

A man walks into a bar and sits down, orders a shot of whiskey, downs it, orders another, downs that one. He does this 6 times in a row.

Bartender asks: "What's the occasion?"

Man answers: "My first blowjob"

Bartender smiles and says: "Well let me get you one, on the house!"

Man says: "If 6 of them won't wash away the taste of cock, I don't think another one will do it!"

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My downstairs neighbor was yelling and banging on the ceiling until 3 AM

Did that bother you?

Not much. I was up til about the same time practicing my trumpet.

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A guy walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a bottle of your top shelf scotch". So the bartender gives him a glass and a bottle, and the man quickly downs the scotch.
The Bartender says "That's a $300 bottle of scotch and you drank it in a minute! I've never seen anyone drink a bottle of scotch so fast" and the guy says "Well buddy, if you had what I have, you'd drink top shelf scotch awfully fast too". So the bartender says "What do you have?"

The man looks up into the bartender's eyes and says:
"About 3 bucks"

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A man walks into a bar and orders 10 pints of lager followed by 12 shots of vodka

The barman then watches, amazed, as the bloke downs them one after the other. Recovering, the customer says:

'I shouldn't have done that with what I've got.'

'What have you got?' Asked the barman.

The customer looked at him guiltily. 'Oh, about two dollars.'

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Magic beer

A man walks into a rooftop bar and sits next to another guy.

"What are you drinking", the man asks

"Magic beer", the stranger replies.

"What do you mean?

So the stranger shows him. He downs his beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building and lands back on his seat with a triumphant smile.

"Amazing, let me try as well!

He drinks the beer, dives off the roof and plummets 15 stories to his death. The bartender rolls his eyes.

"You know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

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What do mentally retarded parents give their kids?

Hand me Downs.

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Two men are sitting in a penthouse bar...

perched on top of a building of impressive height. One of the men turns to the other and gives him a nudge: "Hey, don't look so down. I have a secret for you. This beer that I'm drinking is magic beer. This beer that I'm drinking will make you fly!" Upon seeing the man roll his eyes in disbelief he exclaims, "No! Really! Watch this!" He then downs the rest of his drink and jumps out a nearby window, only to return safely after making a loop around the building with no effort.
His companion can't believe it! "I'll take one of those!" he yells. After chugging the beer, he also jumps out of the window--only to fall to his death.
The bartender shakes his head and looks at the first man, "You sure are a jerk when you're drunk, Superman..."

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My wife asked me if I like sunrises or sunsets better. I said,

They both have their ups and downs

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What are the most funny Downs jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Downs? Well, here are the best Downs dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Downs pick up lines to share with friends.

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