Doubt Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"

"I doubt I can. It's a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It's as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It's not worth it."

I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass.

I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.

Girlfriend said that she slept with 61 men before.

I doubt it, but she insisted that I was her sixty-second man.

I doubt vodka is the answer....

But it's worth a shot

I don't see why Obama gave all his speeches behind bulletproof glass..

I know he's black and all but I doubt he'd actually shoot anyone.

Man walks into a bar

and orders 10 shots of tequila. Bartender surprised by the order asks what's the occasion? The man says "I just had my first blow job". With cheer in his voice bartender says "well if it's so, then I'll throw in 1 on the house". the mans says "if 10 shots can't wash that taste out of my mouth, I doubt 11 will"

Leaving for the Crusades...

*Heard this a long time ago. Just found it again...*

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am
leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend yelling, "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!"

"These speakers didn't cost that much so I doubt they will work well"

"that is a cheap stereotype"

Is Google a he or a she...

Is Google a he or a she?

A: A she, no doubt, because it won't let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.

Mujibar get a job in India

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have to show you are proficient in the English language. Please make a sentence using the words: Yellow, Pink, and Green.'

Mujibar responded, 'The telephone goes green, green, I pink it up, and say, Yellow! This is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center. No doubt you have spoken to him.

Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is...

...Mrs Fire.

Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage

Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

Bernie leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand, i can make this crowd go absolutely wild with joy? The will not just be a momentary joy, this joy will be huge and they will forever speak of this day as the day that we made America work for everyone!"

Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that! with one little wave of your hand ... show me!"

So Bernie Sanders backhand slapped her and THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY.

I remembered this joke while studying for exams.

God and st peter decide to do their rounds around a college campus. While looking around the dorms, they see a group of students earnestly studying for their final exams the next day. God looks at St Peter and tells him to fail each one of them. St. Peter is a little bewildered, but he dares not doubt the judgement of God. Moments later, they pass by a dorm full of drunk students, partying before their final the next day. God takes a look at them and says "Make sure these students all get an A+ tomorrow". St Peter cannot sit quietly anymore and finally asks why.
"Why?!" God shouts at St Peter, "These students clearly have faith in me!"

2 jews walk into a mexican restaurant in mexico...

And order some mexican food. While they're waiting they begin to talk about how judaism is the biggest religion in the world & that even jesus was a jew.

Then one of them thinks "since we're in mexico I wouldn't doubt it if there's mexican jews around here somewhere" they wave down their waitress & ask her if she can ask around and see if there's any mexican jews... The waitress giving them an odd look agrees.

About 5 minutes pass and the waitress comes back and says she asked everybody at her tables & no mexican jews. Still convinced he asks her waitress to ask the manager & the head chef if there's any mexican jews. Again... Odd look but agrees.

After another 5 minutes the waitress comes back & says "sorry sir, I asked my manager & all the cooks in the back and there's no mexican jews... But we have apple jews, orange jews, carrot jews.....

The Pope and Hilary Clinton were on the same stage at the Yankee Stadium in front of a giant crowd...

The Pope leans towards Hilary and says, "Do you know with one wave of my hand I can make this entire crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Hilary said, " I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your me!"

So the Pope backhanded her off the stage. The crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness through out the land.

I was walking home late at night along a dark street. There was a young woman walking a few steps in front of me.

She crossed over to the other side of the road; I crossed over too.

She quickened her pace a little; I quickened my pace too.

She broke into a run; I broke into a run too.

She panicked and began to scream and run hell-for-leather; I panicked and began to scream and run hell-for-leather too.

Whatever it was, I was damned if it was going to catch me first.

P.S. It's an old one, but I doubt the original used semi-colons, so give me that.

A man is in court for murder

So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court

"In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed".

The defense lawyer counts down from ten and everybody looks to the door. Nothing happens.

" Ah ha!" says the defense "you all looked to the door, therefor I conclude that their is reasonable doubt in this case and ask that my client be found not guilty."

The jury then deliberates. After twenty-five minutes they return the verdict of guilty. "But you all looked!" Says the lawyer. "Yes," says the Jury, "but your client didn't."

Dad: Why did the Grammar teacher slap you today?

Dad: Why did the Grammar teacher slap you today?

Son: I just wanted to clear my doubt. I asked her a valid question for which she had no answer, so she took out her frustration by being violent.

Dad : What was the question?

Son: I asked her why 'bra' is singular when it covers two things & 'panties' plural when it covers only one

Has anyone else noticed

During most of the speeches Obama gave, he was behind bullet proof glass? I know he was black and all, but I doubt he would of shot anyone.

Rihanna says chains and whips excite her

I doubt her ancestors felt the same way.

Why do nuns wear the same outfit every day?

It's a habit.

(I made this one up. I doubt I am the first to do it. )

Guilty and Depression!

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.

"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For Pete's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

My favorite Robin William's movie is without a doubt. . .

Mrs. Fire

I was at the train station.

The woman next to me said, "Is the next train from London to Edinburgh?"

I said, "I doubt it. I don't think trains are that long."

Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant.

Carla was well into her sixties when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps. After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results. Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant.
Impossible, she cried, and fainted dead away. When she came to, she staggered to the phone, dialed her seventy-eight-year-old husband, and screeched, You've knocked me up, you randy old goat!
There was a long pause at the other end of the line. Then a voice said, And to whom am I speaking?

When in doubt ...

Wife : I doubt my husband has been cheating on me.... I have doubt on one woman we both know.... What to do?

Shrink: Take your husband to that woman's doorstep and see if his wi-fi connects automatically.

I just got told I was the Worlds Most Pessimistic Person

I doubt I'll manage to win that title.

The Good Date Potato Pancake Joke

Was recently told this joke by my professor.

A boy is going on a date. Nervous, he asks the father for tips. The father runs the basics down and stresses one thing. "Now son, there are only three things you can talk about : Food, Family and Philosophy".

The boy has no reason to doubt his father. He goes round the girl's house and picks her up and they drive to the restaurant.

They order food, and say nothing after. It's incredibly awkward.

"So..... Do you like potato pancakes?", the boy asks.

"No.", she replies.

The awkward tension builds.

"Does your sister like potato pancakes?", he tries again.

"I don't have a sister.", she replies.

It's unbearable, the boy is mortified.

He tries again, "Okay....if you had a sister, would she like potato pancakes?"

You were there for me when I had my doubts, you always gave me guidance, and you always offered me options.

Thanks Google.

I was at the store with my Dad...

We were in the store and passed by the condoms. He looks at them for a second, picks some up, and throws them to me.
He said "I know you've got yourself a girlfriend now, so I think it's about time you learn about protection. These are pretty great, I doubt that you would be here today if not for these!"

I highly doubt any alcohol or vodka will solve any of my life's problems

But I guess it's still worth the... shot

I highly doubt that Monica Lewinsky will support Hillary in 2016.

I mean, the last time a Clinton was a president, it left a really bad taste in her mouth.

who enjoys sex more - man or woman?

A man and woman got into an argument over who enjoyed sex more.

The man argued,"Of course men enjoy sex more than women, no doubt about it!".

The woman replied,"Oh yeah? Well tell me this if your ears itch and you put in your finger inside and wiggle a bit and remove it, which feels better the ear or finger?

Some people doubt my memory

But I can remember last year as if it were yesterday.

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend.

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend. His wife's not home; the past few nights she's returned past midnight with increasingly elaborate alibis. He's getting frustrated; he loves her, but he's not sure he can keep giving her the benefit of the doubt. His friend asks what he's going to do when she shows up. His face contorts in frustration. "When I see her face..."

He softens.

"Imma believe 'er."

Pregnant With Doubt

When the sergeant told our new commander that his driver could not participate in an upcoming field maneuver because she was pregnant, the enraged commander demanded to know just how pregnant she was.

The sergeant's reply: Completely, sir.

The cashier at my local grocery store hates me...

I'm always paying in 1$ bills and I use a lot of them. I attempted to calm her down with some humor.
"I'm an exotic dancer...and I'm really good at it", I said with a wink.
She replied with a glare, "I doubt that. If you were any good you'd be paying with $5's"

Doubting wife!

My wife has absolutely no confidence in my ability to repair electrical items around the house.

Well, she's in for a shock!

a policeman chasing three idiots

He corner them in a farm where they hid in sacks. The policeman sees the sacks and immediately realized they were hiding in them. He gave the first sack a nudge and the idiot goes "quack quack", same with the second sack and the idiot goes "Meow", the last one is silent, the policeman gave the sack another nudge, nothing. He started to doubt himself, so he kicks the sack in a desperate attempt, to which the idiot answered angrily "I'm a f***ing sack of potatoes, what the f*** am I supposed to say ?!"

Doubt this is true, but I heard that one of those fraudulent midget psychics who escaped was preggers at the time!

Now there's an extra small medium at large.

Without a doubt, the Ford F-150

My favorite pickup line.

Types of salaries

* The onion salary - the moment you touch it, you start crying

* The damned salary - it doesn't help you at all, it makes you suffer, but you can't live without it

* The agnostic salary - you doubt its existence

* The magic salary - now you see it, now you don't

* The period salary - comes once a month and lasts for 4 days

* The impotent salary - when you need it the most, it lets you down

Next time I meet someone that says they are a cancer survivor...

I will say, "no doubt, my last girlfriend was a taurus."

Bulletproof Glass

I don't understand why Obama gives all of his speeches behind bulletproof glass... I mean I know he's black, but I doubt he's going to shoot anybody.

My psychic friend told me that she could tell me what my favourite band is...

I said No Doubt

A sodium ion went to rob a bank.

It was charged, without a doubt.

I have this song in my head I haven't heard in years. I'm pretty sure it's called "Don't Speak"?

On second thought, there's no doubt in my mind.

I'm glad that baby shark in TX is safe, but I doubt the police will spend a lot of time punishing the thieves.

I figure they'd have bigger fish to fry.

After a Year of use I can say without a doubt that the Nintendo Switch is the perfect console for Me

The Nintendo Sub was too under powered and the Nintendo Dom is more than I can handle.......

Between the Boko Haram schoolgirl abductions and the recent Malaysia Airlines incidents...

I'm starting to doubt if we'll ever see an intact black box ever again.

People doubt me when I mention how accepting Canada is towards the LGBT community.

But it's Trudeau.

I love the English cricket team....

The thinnest guy is called broad, ugliest guy is called swann, slowest fielder is trott, guy who is 'behind' the stumps is called prior, and guy whose father's name is john is called peter-son. And the guy who is named Monty goes in with his clothes on.

No doubt, this Cricket team deserves to be led by a Cook.

What are the funniest doubt jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Doubt? Well, here are the best Doubt puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Doubt pick up lines to share with friends.

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