Double Jokes
133 double jokes and hilarious double puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about double that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Double meaning jokes: the perfect way to take the edge off of a dull day. Learn the ins and outs of double entendres, double chins, Oreos, Fiats, and laddies with our helpful guide. Discover the power of humor, and find out the perfect way to lighten the mood.
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Funniest Double Short Jokes
Short double jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The double humour may include short decimal jokes also.
- I spent four years at college and didn't learn anything... It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.
- A beautiful woman walks into a bar. "What'll it be?" asks the bartender. "I'll have a double entendre," she said... So he gave it to her.
- I asked my Asian girlfriend for 69 She made me crunchy sweet and sour pork with double rice
- Moore's law states that the density of transistors doubles every two years. This is usually done by making them smaller.
Therefore, less is Moore's - I heard that, while a double negative makes a positive, a double positive doesn't make a negative... Yeah right.
- LeAnn Rimes put out a double CD - one was her greatest hits, and the other was her biggest flops. It was the best of Rimes, it was the worst of Rimes.
- My landlord doubled my rent. I'm going to give up drinking for a month. Sorry I missed punctuation there.
I'm going to give up, drinking for a month. - Someone tapped me on the shoulder today then did a double-take and said, "Sorry, I thought you were someone else!" I said, "I am."
- What do you call when a female physicist decides to try dating women for a change? The double slit experiment.
- I was gonna go on a double date the other day... But in the end I couldn't find three other people to go with me.
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Double One Liners
Which double one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with double? I can suggest the ones about quad and dual.
- What Size underwear Do Feminists Wear? #Double Standard.
- Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind? He's afraid he'll get double crossed
- Most of us are 2 feet away from being a double amputee...
- I recently saw an advertisement for a double entendre contest So I entered my friend
- Why did the double agent cross the road? Because he never really was on your side.
- First rule of English grammar, Double negatives are a no no.
- Girl, you're like speeding in a construction zone… Double Fine
- Did you hear that Castro's body double retired? He was tired of playing second Fidel.
- Double standards are the worst. I mean, one flag is enough.
- Don't use double negatives. They're a big no no.
- Two of my mom's sisters moved to the Alaskan wilderness. it's a double aunt tundra
- If Jesus comes back and is crucified again Does that mean he's been double crossed
- I heard about a double entendre contest on the radio So I entered my sister
- What do you call a guy with two marijuanas? Double jointed.
- My step-sister asked me for an example of a double entendre... So I gave it to her.
Double Entendre Jokes
Here is a list of funny double entendre jokes and even better double entendre puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A friend of mine asked if I could give her the definition of a double entendre... so I gave it to her.
- I was sitting at my desk, trying to think of a double entendre... ...but it got really hard.
- Did you hear about the woman who ordered a double entendre at the bar? The bartender reached under the bar whipped it out and gave it to her
- She asked me for an example of a double entendre So I gave it to her.
- I tried to explain what a double entendre is But it's sooo hard.
- My wife said she wanted a double entendre for Christmas So I gave it to her.
- A girl asks a guy what a Double Entendre is... So he gave her one.
- My mom had two conjoined sisters and both of their names were Andra. When they were murdered, I gave up joking. And mourned my double entendres.
- I tried quitting overusing double entendres, but it's so hard....
- What do you call someone who tortures you to death with boring wordplay and double entendres? PUNisher
Double Negative Jokes
Here is a list of funny double negative jokes and even better double negative puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife just left me because i cant stop using double negatives. But in my opinion I haven't done nothing wrong.
- Why should you never use double negatives in English? Because they're just a no-no.
- Double Negatives ...are no-nos.
- "We don't need no education." Yes, you do. You just used a double negative.
- What do you call two pessimists dating? A double negative.
- What did the one explorer say to the other when they arrived in Northern Canada? Eh, you take this one. I don't want Nunavut.
PS: I realize it's a double negative. - My college professor talked about double negatives today He said that you could use a double positive to describe something, but never a double negative.
Yeah, right. - My friend says a double negative can make a positive, but a double positive can never make a negative. Yeah, right.
- Double negatives are positives Ain't nothin' right about that.
- Double negative isn't a positive Instead it is a triple negative
Double Standards Jokes
Here is a list of funny double standards jokes and even better double standards puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When people use metal detectors, they're treasure hunters… but when _I_ do it, I'm a thief and I need to leave the war memorial.
Double standards, man. I swear - Standards are good Double standards are twice as good
- What do you call a gangster who believes in double standards? A hypocrip.
- Hypocrite walks into a bar...... "I'll have a standard, please. Make it a double."
- It's double standards!!!! When The Hulk goes off into a vicious rage and destroys everything, he's "Incredible."
But when I do it,
I'm, "an alcoholic." - I absolutely despise double-standards... Except when it's me, then it's okay.
- I hate double standards When celebrities wear near see-through dresses, they are "chic" and " fashionable", but when I do it I'm "wasting cling wrap" and "ruining Christmas"
- American standards have increased so much... that they are all double standards now
- Have you heard of that family fun game Beat the Parents? Talk about a double standard.
Double Meaning Jokes
Here is a list of funny double meaning jokes and even better double meaning puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I always thought it was interesting how double jointed kids were always really cool in elementary school... I mean weird flex, but ok.
- What do you get when you cross dirty double meanings with WWI? The Triple Entendre.
Double Chin Jokes
Here is a list of funny double chin jokes and even better double chin puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Human is the only species that evolve chin I'm so advanced that I already doubled it.
- Its not my fault I have a double-chin... When God was giving out chins.. I thought he said Gin so I said I'll have a double.
- Jimmy comes home and tells his dad the other kids at school are bullying him for having a double chin... Dad: Don't worry Jimmy, just walk ignore them and hold your chin up
Jimmy: Which one? - When God Handed out Chins... You Thought He Said Gins, And Asked For A Double.
Silly & Ridiculous Double Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about double you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dummy jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make double pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I met an older woman in a bar last night...
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter t**...,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.
We went back to her place. We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom...you still awake?'
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure.
He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.
The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."
The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion."
The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.
The man said "I would like a million dollars."
The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.
Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men are in a waiting room while their wives are giving birth...
The nurse comes out and says to the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins!" "That's funny," he said," I work for Double Tree. Later on the nurse came out again and said to the second father, saying, "Congratulations, you're the father of triplets!" The man responded, "That's funny, I work for 3M. The third man started b**... his head against the wall, yelling. When they asked him what was wrong, he responded, "I work for 7 Up!"
Lady barges into radio shack
She grabs at the nearest employee and exclaims:
"I need a pack of double A batteries RIGHT NOW!"
The employee, flustered, replies: "All right, stay calm and just ... come this way", as he gestures her to follow him with a wave of his fingers.
She yells "If I could do that, I wouldn't need the batteries!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wishes
A woman was walking on the beach when she spotted a lamp almost buried in the sand. She picked it up, dusted it off, and to her surprise a genie popped out.
"Thank you for releasing me from my thousand-year imprisonment! I will grant you the traditional three wishes as a reward. And since you are married, your husband will get double of whatever you wish for."
"But I hate my husband," the woman protested. "He cheated on me and spent all our money -- I've already filed for divorce."
The genie shrugged and told her it was genie law. "OK, whatever," she said, "Give me a hundred million dollars." *p**...!* There were stacks and stacks of newly minted $100 bills piled in front of her. "So, does that mean my husband has *two* hundred million now?"
"Yep," the genie said.
"OK... for my second wish, I want a 100,000 square foot mansion." *p**...!* There was a huge mansion right up on the bluff, and the deed was in her pocket. "So, does that mean my husband gets *two* mansions?"
"Yes indeed. Now, what would you like for your final wish?"
She thought about it for a minute, then snapped her fingers and said, "Genie -- scare me half to death!"
A man was walking along the beach with his mother-in-law...
She was complaining about how much of a good-for-nothing husband he was to her daughter, when he saw a bottle on the ground. He picked it up, wondering what it was, when a genie popped out. The genie told the man he could make 3 wishes, but when he saw the mother-in-law, said whatever the man got, the mother-in-law would get double. The man thought for a while and agreed. "I would like 1 million dollars," the man said. "Your wish is granted," said the genie. 1 million dollars was added to the man's banking account, and 2 million to the mother-in-law's. She starts complaining, "Thanks a lot, now I'll have to manage all this money, why do you have to be so selfish?!" The next wish was for a large house, and that wish was granted. This meant the mother-in-law would have a house twice as big, and started complaining about how she would have to clean such a large house, and the taxes would be expensive.
For the man's final wish, he wished to be beaten half to death.
A genie in a bottle grants a man all his wishes
"But", says the genie, "of all the things you wish, your wife gets double."
"I wish for a hundred million dollars!", orders the man.
"So it shall be. Your wife gets $200 million", replies the genie.
"I wish for a Ferrari!"
"A Ferrari for you, two Ferraris for your wife."
The man is not satisfied, so after a minute of thinking, he wishes:
"Beat me half dead!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
the newlyweds go to the hotel swimming pool...
The guy goes to the diving board and performs a 2 1/2 sommersaults with 2 twists backwards.
-"Whoa, that was impressive," says the wife when the man comes back.
-"I was a double medallist in London olympics, dear".
So the woman dives in and does 90 lenghts of the pool in 2 1/2 minutes.
-"Baby, that WAS impressive", says the husband.
-"I was a p**... in Venice, dear"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Double Genie
A man comes across a magical lamp with a genie inside who grants him 3 wishes. The only stipulation is that whatever he wishes for, his ex-wife gets double.
The man says, "I wish for a million dollars." The genie replies, "It is done. Your ex-wife gets 2 million."
The man says, "I wish for a mansion." The genie replies, "It is done. your ex-wife now has 2 mansions."
The man says, "For my last wish... I wish you would beat me half to death."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and out comes a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you any three wishes you want, but whatever you wish for I will give your mother-in-law double."
The man agrees to the terms and says, "I wish for a billion dollars." Instantly, he has a billion dollars and his mother-in-law has two billion dollars.
The man then says, "I wish for a 10,000 square foot home on 100 acres." The genie grants his wish and gives his mother-in-law a 20,000 square foot home on 200 acres.
Finally, the man cleverly says, "I wish for you to beat me half to death."
A Man Finds a Magic Lamp While Walking Down the Beach
He rubs the lamp and out pops a genie! The Genie says "I'll grant you three wishes BUT!!!! There is a catch. Whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will receive double."
After thinking long and hard and about his decision the man finally answers. "I'd like a A 1963 Ferrari 250 GTO."
"Done" says the genii and snaps his fingers. The man instantly feels the weight of the keys in his pocket.
"I'd like $500,000 tax free" says the man.
"Done" Says the Genii. And the man reaches into his other pocket to find a Powerball ticket.
Finally the man takes a deep breath and wishes his third and final wish.
"I wish to donate a kidney."
Every hotel room was taken.
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time?"
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
A man goes into a bar where, instead of drinks, they sell words and phrases...
he asks the barman if they sell entendres. The barman says "yes" so the man says "ok, I'll have a double" and the barman says "oh, you mean a large one".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A genie grants a man three wishes ... "Whatever you wish for your ex-wife gets double"
" What is your first wish?" Asked the genie.
"I wish for $10 million." Said the man.
" Okay, your ex-wife gets $20 million. Next?"
" Okay, I wish for a mansion."
"Done, your ex now has 2 mansions. What is your final wish?"
The man pauses to think carefully.
"I wish for you to beat me half to death."
Credit - Russell Peters
A man ordered two drinks at once every day...
The bartenders curiosity got the better of him, and he asked "Why not just get a double?"
The man answered "I'm drinking one for myself and one for my buddy that didn't make it back from Iraq."
After a couple of months, the man started ordering just one drink. The nosy bartender asked what's up.
"My doctor told me I have to quit drinking."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate double standards...
When a girl wears a thong she is called bold and s**.... But when I do it I'm just called drunk and asked to leave Denny's.
Girlfriend said last night "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!"
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points,a bonus chance and she has to wear the hat that looks like a colander til she rolls a double 6.
I was clearing out my loft today when I found a catalogued list of paedophiles
Naturally I was baffled to find such a thing in my loft, so I did a double take, and realised it was a TV guide from 1973.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One time, I wrote down so many double entendres...
...I had to rub one out.
A linguistics professor is lecturing his class
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."
My girlfriend often accuses me of telling sexist, condescending jokes that target women.
I've explained to her those jokes are actually ironic jabs at the current state of post-modern feminism, designed to highlight societal double standards across genders.
So she needn't worry her pretty little head about it.
A Freshman Seminar Professor Was Trying To Wow His Students
He told them, "In the English Language, a double negative equals a positive. For example, I didn't not do it equals I did it. But no double positive in English equals a negative."
A student in the back shouted, "YEAH, RIGHT!"
A man goes to the Doctor
*Guy*: Doctor, My girlfriend is
pregnant but we always used double
protection. Then, how is it possible?
*Doctor*: Let me tell you a story to make you realize that it is possible.
"There was a Hunter who always carried a
Gun wherever he went.
One day, he took his Umbrella instead of his
Gun and went out.
A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him.
In order to scare the Lion, the hunter used the Umbrella like a
Gun and shot the Lion, the Lion collapsed & died!
*Guy*:This is totally Nonsense!!
"Someone else must
have shot the Lion"
*Doctor*: Good!! You understood the Story. Next patient please... .
Note: My friend just told me this joke so I'm not sure if it's been here before
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yo moma is so s**.......
she could observe the particles in the double slit experiment and still get an interference pattern
An English teacher is giving a lesson on double negatives
He says to the class: "One of the curious conventions of the English language is that two negatives always result in a positive statement; however, never do two positives result in a negative one."
A voice from the back of the room says, "Yeah right".
So my parents were "debating" at the dinner table the other night
Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men. I'm seeing a double standard here. Why isn't there a term for an older man who desires young women? What is he called?
Dad: Smart.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Society is full of double standards
For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half n**..., singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"
But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It must s**... being raised by gay parents.
Either you get stuck with double the dad jokes or get thrown into an infinite loop of "go ask your mother."
I'd never been on a London double decker, didn't have any money but told the driver I was dying to get on
He looked me dead in the eye and said "Life isn't fare."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three things I cannot stand:
* s**... people
* judgemental people
* double standards
* people who can't count
* lists
* irony
What do you call a Siamese spy?
A double agent.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So this lady is getting on the bus with her baby...
And as she gets on, the bus driver glances at her child, does a double take and says "Gaaaaahhhh!!"
Well, this disturbs the lady, but she sits down.
The passenger next to her sees that she's disturbed, and asks what's wrong.
"The bus driver was VERY rude to me!"
The passenger says, "Well, you should go give him a piece of your mind! Let me hold your monkey for you."
Guy walks into a bar
Grabs a seat and orders a whiskey double, neat. The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over. The gentleman reaches into his blazer searching frantically. This catches the bartenders attention so he monitors the patron out the corner of his eye. Finally the man finds what he's looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey. The perplexed bartender grabs his attention "I'm terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?" To which the man replies surprised "oh no no everything's fine! I just promised my wife I'd never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again." 😳
Guy and genie in a bottle
Guy finds a bottle and opens it. Out comes the ghost and says:
"I will grant you 3 wishes but there's a catch...for every wish you make every politician in the world gets double of that."
And the guy says: "I want a Ferrari"
Ghost: "Done, plus 2 for each politician"
Guy: "I want 10 million dollars"
Ghost: "Done, plus 20 million for each politician"
Guy: "I always wanted to donate a kidney"
What do we want? A thesaurus!
When do we want it?
Straightaway, forthwith, directly, immediately, instantly, away, first off, momentarily, on the double, promptly, pronto, right away, shortly, today, nowadays, PDQ, at once, at the moment, at this time.
I was double majoring in cloning and hide-and-seek
But I had to take a year off to find myself.
A woman gets on a double decker bus.
She steps onto the bus and begins her ascent to the upper deck and a hefty gust of wind comes in and blows her dress up.
The bus driver, looking up the steps at her says but airy up there ma'am
To which she replies, what'd you expect, feathers?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate these double standards
If you burn a body at a crematorium, you are doing a good job , but do it at home and you're destroying evidence .
My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged
She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"
I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Genie grants a man 3 wishes
The genie says the only catch is whatever you wish for your ex wife will get double.
The man says "For my first wish I want a huge mansion."
Sure enough the man is given a huge mansion and his ex wife gets two.
"My second wish, I want a billion dollars!"
The man is given a billion dollars and his ex is given two billion.
The genie says, "and for your final wish?"
The man says "I wish to be beaten half to death."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A genie appears infront of a man...
And tells him that he can have 3 wishes, but his ex wife will get double anything he asks for.
The man thinks and says "I wish for a trillion dollars"
"It is done. Now your ex also has 2 trillion dollars."
"I wish for the biggest mansion in the world with everything that comes with it, servants, helicopters, the works"
"It is done. Your ex now also has 2 mansions."
The man nods his head and then says "I wish I was beaten half to death"
A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.
As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.
The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'
The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey.
'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender.
The man: 'not a single penny'
A Roman Legionnaire walks into a bar.
The bartender asks "What can I get you?" to which the Legionnaire replied: "A Martinum please".
The bartender looked puzzled, "Don't you mean a Martini?"
The legionnaire snapped back with "If I wanted a f*cking double I'd ask for one!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bra Sazes
Have u ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for? Well its time you became informed!
(A) Almost b**....
(B) Barely there.
(C) Can't Complain!
(D) Dang!
(DD) Double Dang!
(E) Enormous!
(F) Fake.
(G) Get a Reduction.
(H) Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!!!
Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor.
Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why doesn't Chick-fil-a have a double chicken sandwich?
2 chicks together isn't really their thing.
James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014.
But she was exposed for being a double agent.
Double punchline Buddhist joke.
A Buddhist monk is walking through New York and sees a hot dog cart, he walks up and the vendor asks him what he wants. The monk replies:
Make me one with everything.
The vendor obliges and after handing over the hot dog tells him his total is $3.50. The monk gets out $5 and hands it over, the vendor pockets the money and motions for the next customer; the Buddhist asks why he hasn't gotten any change.
Change must come from within. Replies the vendor.
Somebody may have posted these punchlines before but I doubt ever together, besides; that was zen, this is tao.
A bear walks into a 7/11 He gets a 12 pack and walks up to the clerk and says "I'll take these."
The clerk is stunned, so he heads to the back to speak with the owner. "Hey boss" he says, "there's a bear asking for a beer." The owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then sell it to him, but charge him double. Bears don't know the price of beer." So the clerk heads back out front and sells the bear the beer. "You know," says the clerk, "we don't get many bears around here." To which the bear replies, "At these prices I'm not surprised."
At the job interview, I asked what is the salary like. They said I'll start at minimum wage and make double of that in two years.
Ok, I'll be back in two years.
Did you know that in the James Bond movies, all the action/risky scenes were performed by agent 0014?
of course, he was, after all, his double. I'll see myself out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate double standards. When a guy hooks up with a lot of girls, he's a player …
But when I do it, I'm a lesbian
Lindsey Graham gets new suit
On a Senate trip to Japan, Lindsey Graham picked up some silk to have a custom suit made. At a top notch tailor shop in South Carolina, the tailor said with the material, he could make a single breasted suit.
Graham decided to wait, took the material to a tailor in New York who told him he could make a double breasted suit, a vest, and an extra pair of pants.
He asked, "How can you do so much more with this material than the tailor in South Carolina?"
"Well, senator, I guess you're not as big up here."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Espresso is like standards.
When there's double s**...'s about to go down.
I am reading an autobiography of a double amputee…
It's called A farewell To Arms .
A bloke walks into a bar
And there are two Nuns playing darts. He offers to do the scoring. The first Nun hits a treble twenty with her first and second darts and double twenty with her third. The man shouts out "One hundred and sixty." The second Nun goes to throw and hits a treble twenty, a single twenty and the third dart hits the wire and rebounds straight into the Nuns eye, killing her instantly! The bloke shouts out One Nun dead and eighty."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I meet these genie.
He asked: Who is the person you dislike the most? I told him that it would be my mother-in-law. He explained to me that I get three wishes but whatever I wish for my mother-in-law gets double of.
My first wish: I want one mansion. My mother-in-law gets two mansions.
My second wish: I want ten billion dollars. My mother-in-law gets twenty billion dollars.
My final wish: Beat me half to death.
My wife and I decided to spice things up and roll play our actual jobs, her a nurse and me a handyman.
She went to bed early from working a double and her feet being sore and I didn't even show up.
