The Best 61 Double Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Double jokes. There are some double panty jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these double double penetration puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Double Jokes and Puns

A genie says: I'll grant you three wishes but whatever you wish your ex gets double

The man answers: First I want a house, second I want a car, third I want you to beat me half to death.

What do you call when a female physicist decides to try dating women for a change?

The double slit experiment.

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure.

He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.

The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."

The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion."

The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.

The man said "I would like a million dollars."

The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.

Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

Double joke, A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure.

Three men are in a waiting room while their wives are giving birth...

The nurse comes out and says to the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins!" "That's funny," he said," I work for Double Tree. Later on the nurse came out again and said to the second father, saying, "Congratulations, you're the father of triplets!" The man responded, "That's funny, I work for 3M. The third man started banging his head against the wall, yelling. When they asked him what was wrong, he responded, "I work for 7 Up!"

Lady barges into radio shack

She grabs at the nearest employee and exclaims:

"I need a pack of double A batteries RIGHT NOW!"

The employee, flustered, replies: "All right, stay calm and just ... come this way", as he gestures her to follow him with a wave of his fingers.

She yells "If I could do that, I wouldn't need the batteries!"


Wishes

A woman was walking on the beach when she spotted a lamp almost buried in the sand. She picked it up, dusted it off, and to her surprise a genie popped out.

"Thank you for releasing me from my thousand-year imprisonment! I will grant you the traditional three wishes as a reward. And since you are married, your husband will get double of whatever you wish for."

"But I hate my husband," the woman protested. "He cheated on me and spent all our money -- I've already filed for divorce."

The genie shrugged and told her it was genie law. "OK, whatever," she said, "Give me a hundred million dollars." *Poof!* There were stacks and stacks of newly minted $100 bills piled in front of her. "So, does that mean my husband has *two* hundred million now?"

"Yep," the genie said.

"OK... for my second wish, I want a 100,000 square foot mansion." *Poof!* There was a huge mansion right up on the bluff, and the deed was in her pocket. "So, does that mean my husband gets *two* mansions?"

"Yes indeed. Now, what would you like for your final wish?"

She thought about it for a minute, then snapped her fingers and said, "Genie -- scare me half to death!"

Double Positives.

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

Double joke, Double Positives.

A man was walking along the beach with his mother-in-law...

She was complaining about how much of a good-for-nothing husband he was to her daughter, when he saw a bottle on the ground. He picked it up, wondering what it was, when a genie popped out. The genie told the man he could make 3 wishes, but when he saw the mother-in-law, said whatever the man got, the mother-in-law would get double. The man thought for a while and agreed. "I would like 1 million dollars," the man said. "Your wish is granted," said the genie. 1 million dollars was added to the man's banking account, and 2 million to the mother-in-law's. She starts complaining, "Thanks a lot, now I'll have to manage all this money, why do you have to be so selfish?!" The next wish was for a large house, and that wish was granted. This meant the mother-in-law would have a house twice as big, and started complaining about how she would have to clean such a large house, and the taxes would be expensive.
For the man's final wish, he wished to be beaten half to death.

Double Genie

A man comes across a magical lamp with a genie inside who grants him 3 wishes. The only stipulation is that whatever he wishes for, his ex-wife gets double.

The man says, "I wish for a million dollars." The genie replies, "It is done. Your ex-wife gets 2 million."

The man says, "I wish for a mansion." The genie replies, "It is done. your ex-wife now has 2 mansions."

The man says, "For my last wish... I wish you would beat me half to death."

A friend of mine asked if I could give her the definition of a double entendre...

so I gave it to her.

A woman walks into a bar...

she asks the bartender for a double entendre,

so he gives it to her.

You can explore double laddies reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean double ternary dad jokes. There are also double puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A man stumbles upon a magic lamp

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and out comes a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you any three wishes you want, but whatever you wish for I will give your mother-in-law double."

The man agrees to the terms and says, "I wish for a billion dollars." Instantly, he has a billion dollars and his mother-in-law has two billion dollars.

The man then says, "I wish for a 10,000 square foot home on 100 acres." The genie grants his wish and gives his mother-in-law a 20,000 square foot home on 200 acres.

Finally, the man cleverly says, "I wish for you to beat me half to death."

A lady walks into a bar and orders a double entendre...

...and the bartender gives it to her.

A man ordered two drinks at once every day...

The bartenders curiosity got the better of him, and he asked "Why not just get a double?"
The man answered "I'm drinking one for myself and one for my buddy that didn't make it back from Iraq."
After a couple of months, the man started ordering just one drink. The nosy bartender asked what's up.
"My doctor told me I have to quit drinking."

Girlfriend said last night "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!"

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points,a bonus chance and she has to wear the hat that looks like a colander til she rolls a double 6.

A professor is giving his class a lesson about languages.

He says, "In some languages, a double negative stays negative, while in English, a double negative becomes a positive. There is no language, however, where a double positive becomes a negative."

A student at the back of the class says, "Yeah, right."

Double joke, A professor is giving his class a lesson about languages.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 8 and 9 died in a double homicide and 7 is the **prime** suspect.

Most of us are 2 feet away from being a double amputee...

What happens when you double park your frogs?

They get toad!


Why is it so hard to get into a relationship with an SJW?

Because they have high double standards.

One time, I wrote down so many double entendres...

...I had to rub one out.

A linguistics professor is lecturing his class

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

I asked my Asian girlfriend for 69

She made me crunchy sweet and sour pork with double rice

I was gonna go on a double date the other day...

But in the end I couldn't find three other people to go with me.

Why did the double agent cross the road?

Because he never really was on your side.

My girlfriend often accuses me of telling sexist, condescending jokes that target women.

I've explained to her those jokes are actually ironic jabs at the current state of post-modern feminism, designed to highlight societal double standards across genders.

So she needn't worry her pretty little head about it.

A man goes to the Doctor

*Guy*: Doctor, My girlfriend is
pregnant but we always used double
protection. Then, how is it possible?

*Doctor*: Let me tell you a story to make you realize that it is possible.

"There was a Hunter who always carried a
Gun wherever he went.

One day, he took his Umbrella instead of his
Gun and went out.

A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him.
In order to scare the Lion, the hunter used the Umbrella like a
Gun and shot the Lion, the Lion collapsed & died!

*Guy*:This is totally Nonsense!!

"Someone else must
have shot the Lion"

*Doctor*: Good!! You understood the Story. Next patient please... .

Note: My friend just told me this joke so I'm not sure if it's been here before

What Size Underwear Do Feminists Wear?

#Double Standard.

An English teacher is giving a lesson on double negatives

He says to the class: "One of the curious conventions of the English language is that two negatives always result in a positive statement; however, never do two positives result in a negative one."

A voice from the back of the room says, "Yeah right".

I spent four years at college and didn't learn anything...

It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.

So my parents were "debating" at the dinner table the other night

Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men. I'm seeing a double standard here. Why isn't there a term for an older man who desires young women? What is he called?

Dad: Smart.

Society is full of double standards

For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half naked, singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"

But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".

Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind?

He's afraid he'll get double crossed

This women walks into a bar and says, "Give me an entendre. Make it a double."

So the bartender gives it to her

E: credit to /u/Narzgul85

A professor was teaching a languages course

"In English" he said, "A double negative makes a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right"

It must suck being raised by gay parents.

Either you get stuck with double the dad jokes or get thrown into an infinite loop of "go ask your mother."

I recently saw an advertisement for a double entendre contest

So I entered my friend

A girl walks into a bar.

Says to the bartender, "I'd like a double entendre, please."

So he gives it to her.

I ended up with an older woman at the club last night. She looked olay for a 57 year old.

We drank a bit and talked a while and she asked if I had ever had a Sportman's Double

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome", she said.

I said, "No."

We drank a bit more, then she says tonight's my lucky night.

We went back to her place.

She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

So this lady is getting on the bus with her baby...

And as she gets on, the bus driver glances at her child, does a double take and says "Gaaaaahhhh!!"
Well, this disturbs the lady, but she sits down.
The passenger next to her sees that she's disturbed, and asks what's wrong.
"The bus driver was VERY rude to me!"
The passenger says, "Well, you should go give him a piece of your mind! Let me hold your monkey for you."

First rule of English grammar,

Double negatives are a no no.

I heard that, while a double negative makes a positive, a double positive doesn't make a negative...

Yeah right.

I was double majoring in cloning and hide-and-seek

But I had to take a year off to find myself.

I hate these double standards

If you burn a body at a crematorium, you are doing a good job , but do it at home and you're destroying evidence .

My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"

I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'

The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.

As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.

The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'

The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey.

'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender.

The man: 'not a single penny'

A linguistics professor says

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

A Roman Legionnaire walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "What can I get you?" to which the Legionnaire replied: "A Martinum please".

The bartender looked puzzled, "Don't you mean a Martini?"

The legionnaire snapped back with "If I wanted a f*cking double I'd ask for one!"

A Roman centurian walks into a bar

And says to the barman "I'd like a Martinus, please"

The barman says "don't you mean a Martini?"

And the centurion snaps "if I wanted a double I would have asked for one"

Why doesn't Chick-fil-a have a double chicken sandwich?

2 chicks together isn't really their thing.

So this guy had found a magic lamp, which had a genie in it. After a while...

**Genie:** So master, you have one wish left, think wisely.

**Guy:** Hmmm, I wish there was a railroad that connect New York City to Moscow.

**Genie:** That... is quite a big wish you got there. Do you have anything more reasonable?

**Guy:** In that case, I wish I was able to understand women.

**Genie:** Did you want your railroad to be single or double track?

LeAnn Rimes put out a double CD - one was her greatest hits, and the other was her biggest flops.

It was the best of Rimes, it was the worst of Rimes.

How do you double the value of a Yugo?

Fill up its gas tank.

I served a pot of chili to a table of anti vaxxers and jokingly told them it could double as a covid test.

They thought it was a bit tasteless.

A double amputee walks into a Communist prosthetic's shop and says...

Two arms, Comrade.

Double punchline Buddhist joke.

A Buddhist monk is walking through New York and sees a hot dog cart, he walks up and the vendor asks him what he wants. The monk replies:

Make me one with everything.

The vendor obliges and after handing over the hot dog tells him his total is $3.50. The monk gets out $5 and hands it over, the vendor pockets the money and motions for the next customer; the Buddhist asks why he hasn't gotten any change.

Change must come from within. Replies the vendor.

Somebody may have posted these punchlines before but I doubt ever together, besides; that was zen, this is tao.

Want to double your money instantly without anysort of investment plans?

Cool, me too. I just placed the cash bundle in front of the mirror.

A bear walks into a 7/11 He gets a 12 pack and walks up to the clerk and says "I'll take these."

The clerk is stunned, so he heads to the back to speak with the owner. "Hey boss" he says, "there's a bear asking for a beer." The owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then sell it to him, but charge him double. Bears don't know the price of beer." So the clerk heads back out front and sells the bear the beer. "You know," says the clerk, "we don't get many bears around here." To which the bear replies, "At these prices I'm not surprised."

Imagine if jesus had been born a Siamese twin...

...it would have been the perfect double cross!

Man walks into a bar with a Giraffe

Sits down at a table and orders a round, whiskey for him and a double for the giraffe

This goes on for a few more rounds until the giraffe is all but passed out, laying across the table

Man stands up and starts to stagger to the exit.

Barman looks over and says "Hey - you can't leave that lying there"

Man says, "it's not a Lion, its a Giraffe"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the double double bass jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working double double standard piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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