double Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious double puns

Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

👍🏼

What Size Underwear Do Feminists Wear?

#Double Standard.

👍🏼

Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind?

He's afraid he'll get double crossed

👍🏼

I spent four years at college and didn't learn anything...

It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.

👍🏼

A linguistics professor is lecturing his class

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

👍🏼

My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"

I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

👍🏼

Double Positives.

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

👍🏼

A girl walks into a bar.

Says to the bartender, "I'd like a double entendre, please."

So he gives it to her.

👍🏼

A man rushes into a bar and orders a double brandy.

While the barman is pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: Do penguins grow this big?

I should think so, the barman replies.

The man raises his hand. How about this big?

Well, perhaps a king penguin, but I'm not sure . . .

The man holds his hand at shoulder level: This big?

Not a cat in hell's chance.

The man knocks back his drink in one. Hell. I just ran over a nun.

👍🏼

Double standards are the worst.

I mean, if a girl sleeps with lots of guys, she's considered a slut.

But when a guy does it, he's considered a homosexual.

👍🏼

Most of us are 2 feet away from being a double amputee...

👍🏼

A woman walks into a bar...

she asks the bartender for a double entendre,

so he gives it to her.

👍🏼

Society is full of double standards

For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half naked, singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"

But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".

👍🏼

An Ancient Roman walks into a bar.

He sits down and says

"I'll have a martinus please."

"Don't you mean a martini?" The bartender asks

The Ancient Roman replies

"If I wanted a double I would have asked for it."

👍🏼

I recently saw an advertisement for a double entendre contest

So I entered my friend

👍🏼

A linguistics professor

... was lecturing to her class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."


A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah . . .right."

👍🏼

This women walks into a bar and says, "Give me an entendre. Make it a double."

So the bartender gives it to her

E: credit to /u/Narzgul85

👍🏼

Going to the toy store with your mother as a child is normal.

Going to the toy store with your mother as an adult is weird.

I don't get it though.

I'm an adult.

She's an adult.

The sign says 'Adult Toy Store'

Fucking double standards.

👍🏼

It must suck being raised by gay parents.

Either you get stuck with double the dad jokes or get thrown into an infinite loop of "go ask your mother."

👍🏼

Don't you hate double standards?

Don't you hate double standards? If a girl sleeps with a lot of guys she is called a slut, but when a guy does it he is called a homosexual.

👍🏼

There is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. In English, he said, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.

A voice from the back of the room piped up, Yeah, right.

👍🏼

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 8 and 9 died in a double homicide and 7 is the **prime** suspect.

👍🏼

A linguistics professor at Harvard was lecturing his class the other day.

He said, " in English, a double negative forms a positive. However, in some other languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative ."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

👍🏼

Why did the double agent cross the road?

Because he never really was on your side.

👍🏼

First rule of English grammar,

Double negatives are a no no.

👍🏼

A good looking young woman walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for a double entendre

So he gives it to her

👍🏼

Stay Positive.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.

In English, he said, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.

A voice from the back of the room piped up, Yeah, right.

👍🏼

One time, I wrote down so many double entendres...

...I had to rub one out.

👍🏼

A lady walks into a bar and orders a double entendre...

...and the bartender gives it to her.

👍🏼

I asked my Asian girlfriend for 69

She made me crunchy sweet and sour pork with double rice

👍🏼

Double Genie

A man comes across a magical lamp with a genie inside who grants him 3 wishes. The only stipulation is that whatever he wishes for, his ex-wife gets double.

The man says, "I wish for a million dollars." The genie replies, "It is done. Your ex-wife gets 2 million."

The man says, "I wish for a mansion." The genie replies, "It is done. your ex-wife now has 2 mansions."

The man says, "For my last wish... I wish you would beat me half to death."

👍🏼

Double negation - joke

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

👍🏼

An English teacher is giving a lesson on double negatives

He says to the class: "One of the curious conventions of the English language is that two negatives always result in a positive statement; however, never do two positives result in a negative one."

A voice from the back of the room says, "Yeah right".

👍🏼

The Ivy-league Linguist

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

👍🏼

A professor was teaching a languages course

"In English" he said, "A double negative makes a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right"

👍🏼

What are the most funny Double jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Double? Well, here are the best Double dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Double pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes