Doors Jokes

What are some Doors jokes?

Just been challenged to a water fight by next doors brat kids...

Popped on here to check messages while the kettle boils.

An insolent teenager stomps off to her room...

Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!"

Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"

A Calvinist dies and goes to Heaven

He sees two doors. One is labeled free will, and the other is predestination. He walks through the predestination door and an angel asks him why he was here. The Calvanist replies, "I saw this door and decided to walk through it." The angel replies, "You can't be here, you chose this."

Dejected, he goes into the other door. Its angel asks him why he was here.

He replies, "I had no choice"

Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?

Because if they had 4 doors, they would be chicken sedans.

When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, "Go forth and multiply".

When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained.

"Didn't you hear me? Go forth and multiply!" Said Noah, annoyed.

"We can't" replied one of the snakes. "We're adders".

Why can't a chicken coop have more than two doors?

Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

A boy and his father are in an argument

Father: "I've had enough of this! Go to your room and don't come back out until you've thought long and hard about what you've done"

Son: "Fine, I didn't want to be here anyways"

Son: *Stomps up stairs*

Son: *Walks into his room, gently closes the door*

Son: "Jim Morrison sucks!"

Father: "What did I tell you about slamming The Doors!?"

A snail walks into a car dealership...

And he asks the salesman about car customization. He shows the salesman a car that he's thinking about buying, but there's something he wants to change about it. The salesman asks him what it is, and the snail tells him he wants the letter 'S' painted on the doors, roof, and windows, as large as possible. The salesman wonders why, and the snail responds:

"Because when I drive down the street, I want to hear people say 'hey, look at that S-car-go!'"

Guys, I just figured out how to walk thorough walls!

Doors

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a Chicken Sedan..

A son and his Dad have an intense argument and the son storms off, furious.

Before he gets out of earshot of his father, he yells "Jim Morrison was a terrible singer and an uninspired artist who never did anything worthwhile".

His father cannot believe this insolence, and screams at the top of his lungs "As long as you live in this house, you will never, EVER SLAM THE DOORS"

There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people

Push and pull

Just finished building doors for my fish.

I'm highly skilled in the field of carp-entry.

Why did Sauron buy the sedan instead of the coupe?

More doors.

A dad sends his son to his room

"Go to your room!" Dad exclaimed, frustrated at his son's behavior.

"Jim Morrison is overrated!" yelled the son as he stormed down the hall.

The dad yelled furiously, "What did I tell you about slamming The Doors?!"

I'm a moth

I walked into a dentist's office. The dentist asked me what the problem was.

I said, I'm a moth.

The dentist said, You're a moth?

I said, Yes! I'm a moth. I act like a moth. I think like a moth. I'm a moth!

The dentist said, Sir, I think you want the psychiatrist's office. He's two doors further down the hall.

I said, I know. I was on my way there, but your light was on.

Sinks can't open doors.

Let that sink in.

Two Blondes leave a bar and realize they've locked their keys in the car.

After trying every door, attempting to call someone for help, and further debate, one blonde says to the other I bet I can unlock the doors with a coat hanger! I'll run inside and see if they have one!

The other blonde says Ok, well hurry because it looks like it's going to rain and the top is down!

A dad and his daughter are having an argument...

The daughter gets really frustrated with the situation, and goes to leave the room. When she reaches the doorway, she turns around and blurts out "AND BY THE WAY, JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!".

Her dad yells back "HEY, WHAT'D I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS".

Dad: Go to your room!

Son: Jim Morrison sucks!


Dad: what did I tell you about slamming The Doors?

A man enters an elevator, and the operator asks him what floor he wants.

The man says "Eighteenth floor." After arriving, the doors open and the operator says "We are here, my son."
The man says "Thanks, but why did you call me your son?"
The operator replies "Because I have brought you up."

An insolent teenager is having an argument with her father

And as she storms off she shouts, "Oh and by the way, Jim Morrison SUCKS!"

The father looks back and responds, "Hey, there will be no slamming of The Doors in my house."

My wife said wasting what little money we have on a lock picking set was not a good investment.

But it's actually opened a lot of doors for me.

Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden engine, the wooden doors and the wooden chassis?

It wooden go.

I went into my local record store recently...

and asked the clerk "do you have anything by The Doors?", and he replied, "just the fire extinguisher".

An accordion player walks into a bar,

orders a drink and chats up the bartender and the regulars for an hour.

Suddenly, he realizes that not only has he left his instrument in his back seat of his car in full view of passers-by, but he hasn't even locked his doors.

He quickly excuses himself from his conversation and rushes outside and up the block to his vehicle to take care of business, but it was too late.

Sure enough, someone had thrown another accordion in his back seat.

Just got home and found all the doors and windows wide open and everything gone...

What kind of sick person would do this to my Advent calendar?

Remember these two words. They will open up the doors in your life.

Push and pull

How do blind people know where to find Braille signs on walls and doors?

They just have a feel for that kind of thing.

Do you know why a chicken coup only has two doors?

If it had four it would be a chicken sedan

Learning to pick locks

really opened a lot of doors for me

Always remember these 2 words in your life which will open many doors to you.

Push and pull.

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?

If they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.

The band The Doors have decided to change their name after the next member dies

It's gonna be Three Doors Down.

What do hobbit homes with no entrances need?

More doors.

What is the Jenovah Witnesses' favourite band?

The doors.

Only three doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

A guy runs into a saloon and yells "everybody clear out, Big John's comin' to town!"

A couple minutes later a mountain of a man rides into town on an ox and he's dragging a mountain lion on a chain behind him. He gets down and punches the ox and slams the mountain lion and says "You guys stay here."

He walks into the saloon, ripping the doors off the hinges. Walks up to the bartender grabs him by the shirt and says "Give me a bottle of beer." Bartender does, guy bites the top right off, chugs it down in one gulp and slams it down on the bar.

Bartender asks, "Ca-ca-can I getcha another?"

Guy says "Naw. I gotta get out of here. Big John's coming to town."

Two genies in a deserted house..

A guy gets lost in a desert and stumbles upon a house smack bang in the middle of the desert. After ascertaining that it wasn't a mirage, he enters the house and sees three doors and a lamp at the entrance of the house.

He rubs it and out pop two genies, who are very grateful and decide to grant the man three wishes.
"Before you open each of these doors, wish for what you want most and then open the door."

So he goes upto the first door, closes his eyes for a moment and then enters the room to find all kinds of riches.

He follows the same process and enters the second room and is greeted by the most beautiful women in the world all eager to please him in every possible way.

When he finally makes his third wish and enters the third room, a noose appears from the ceiling and within minutes, the man is dead.


As the two genies leave the house and traverse the desert, one of them turns to the other and says sadly, "I just don't understand. He didn't look suicidal. What was his third wish?"

To which the other genie replies, "Yeah I have no idea why he wished to be hung like a black man."

Obligatory addition: *And then the other genie fainted.*

A group of engineering proffesors got in a plane...

Before closing the doors, the flight attendants told them that the plane had been built by their own students. Scared, all of the teachers ran out of the plane, except one. The pilot came to him and asked him why he was so relaxed. The proffesor said "I know my students very well. And I'm sure that if this plane is really built by them, the thing won't even start!"

Farmer Smartass

A grandson goes to visit his grandfather's farm. He asks his grandfather, "Why does that chicken house have two doors?"

The grandfather replies, "It has two doors because it's a chicken coop. The one over there with four doors is a chicken sedan."

I have this stupid obsession to check whether the oven is on and that the doors are locked.

I really hate my job at the crematorium.

A terrorist had two cases at home...

he stuffed one of them with explosives and headed to the metro. Once inside a wagon he waited until the doors were closed and shouted "Infidels!! now you will die!". Fortunately, that was not the case.

My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum today

She told me to choose between her and my obsession with pointing out doors to anyone in the room.

I responded, "Well, there's the door."

A husband came home and found his wife laying naked on the bed

and asks her "Why are you naked, woman ?" "Because i have nothing to wear." "You have nothing to wear? You have a closet full of clothes !" He then goes and opens the closet doors and starts going through her stuff. "Look, you have one dress, two dresses, three dresses, Hello neighbour, four dresses !"

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan...

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."

So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.

Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.

Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.

"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.

A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"

Two Jewish men are walking down the street.

They notice a sign outside a church that reads, "$200 to covert to Christianity."

One of them asks, "Well, you want to give it a shot?"

"Nah", the other responds.

"I'm not really religious anyway; I'll take their money" says the first.

An hour goes by and he comes walks back out and sees his friend waiting by the doors. "Did you go through with it?" the friend asks.

"Yup."

"So? Did you get the money?" asks the friend.

"Is that really all you people think about?"

Being on crutches is like being a woman

People won't always take you seriously, but at least they open doors for you!

Why didn't the Mexican ever walk into a glass door again?

Because Juan does not simply walk into more doors.

I got in trouble at work for suggesting Saloon Doors on the Gender Neutral Bathroom

I just wanted to show my support for swinging both ways

Blood Bank

A guy was running for an elevator and he stuck his hand in to stop the doors, and the doors opened. Inside stood a woman.

He said, "Good morning, which floor are you going to?" She responded, "3rd floor." He pushed the 3rd floor button, plus the 5th floor for himself.

As the elevator started moving the gentleman struck up a conversation and asked the woman where she was going.

She said, "I'm going to the blood bank on the 3rd floor; I donate blood once a week for $10 to supplement my income." Then she asked the
gentleman where he was going.

He responded, "I'm going to the sperm bank on the 5th floor; I donate sperm there once a week for $50 to supplement my income".

The next week the same scenario happens. He stopped the elevator doors with his hand, the doors opened and the woman was standing inside.

He smiled and greeted her and asked if she was going to the 3rd floor?

At this point in the joke, the teller raises five fingers and makes a suitable mouth-full-of-sperm noise.

Bernard is sitting at the bar and slurs to the barman for another drink...

the barman, hearing how much he's clearly had, decides that it's time to chaperone this man out the back door, citing that he's clearly "had enough" for the night. A few minutes later, Bernard stumbles through the front doors again.
"BARman! Cahn ah plish haaav' adrink!"
The barman, again, doesn't want to disturb his customers, and escorts Bernard, discreetly, out the back door. "Bernard, you've had enough tonight. Go back home!"
Again, he stumbles in through the door, collapses on the chair and repeats his demands.
"Bernie, how many times am I going to have to tell you...you're drunk! Go home!"
Bernie fixes his wandering eyes on the barman and exclaims in exasperation, "Shishhhh, man! How miny baars do you work at??"

Choose Wisely...

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.

Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.

Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.

"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.

A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"

What kinda room has no doors and no windows?

A mushroom.

A man was invited to a wedding

When he reached the hotel, he found two doors with two signs written

1. Bride Relatives

2. Groom Relatives

He entered the groom's door and and found another two doors

1. Ladies

2. Men

He entered the Men's door and found two more doors

1. People with gifts

2. People without gifts

He entered the second door (people without gifts) and found himself outside of the hotel premises

I was walking by a car filled with black kids when I heard a "click" as they locked the doors and I felt like such a bad-ass...

...until I realized it was my car...

Another golf joke

A guy who is a fanatical golfer has finally dragged his wife out to play, and the guy hits his ball behind a small pump house. He says, "I'll just take a stroke and drop it over here to the side." But his wife says, "No honey, look, the pump house has two doors. If I open them both you can hit right through it." So she opens the doors and he swings but the ball bounces off the door frame and hits his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.

Several years later he's remarried to another woman who loves golf and they're playing the same course, when his ball lands right behind the same pump house. Again he says, "I'm just gonna drop my ball over here and take a stroke." But his new wife says, "No honey, look, the pump house has two doors. If I open both of them you can hit straight through." He says, "Ohhhhh no. I'm not doing that! I tried that a few years ago and you know what happened? I got a 10 on that hole!"

I can tell bad jokes too - A dog limps into a saloon...

As the batwing doors swing closed behind him, the patrons turn to eye the stranger up.

The dog cooly looks around the dim, smoky room and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A man is locked in a room with no doors or windows...

The only thing in there with him is a red marble and a blue marble.

He says, well, I have a red marble and I have a blue marble, and two haves make whole. And so he uses that whole to climb out.

You say, That's stupid. It's two *halves* that make a whole, not two 'haves.' And anyway a 'whole' isn't spelled the way he's using it.

Now that you pointed out the hole in his reasoning, he climbs out through that.

There's been a plane crash

The police show up at one of the victims doors;

Wife: Hello, do you have any news on my husband?

Police: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid we have some good news and some bad news concerning your husband.

Wife: Well tell me the good news first, I need something to raise my spirits.

Police: Well ma'am, the good news is, despite your husband being burned to a cinder, we were able to identify your husband by his dental records.

Wife: Sweet merciful! Well what on earth is the bad news?

Police: He's got a pretty nasty cavity in his upper molar.

I got into a fight with my father when I told him Jim Morrison wasn't talented.

He forced me to go to my room. I slammed my door behind me, and my dad said, "Don't you ever slam The Doors in my house again!"

Business Trip

A nurse is making her rounds through a nursing home and pops into a room. The man is sitting in his bed animatedly acting like he's driving, "vroom vroom" sound effects and everything. The nurse says, "Ed, what are you doing?" "I'm driving to Chicago for a business trip," Ed replies.

The nurse leaves Ed's room, and makes it two doors down the hall where she finds another patient furiously masturbating. "Joe, what do you think you're doing," the nurse yells. Joe replies, "I'm fuckin' Ed's wife while he's in Chicago!"

Three blonde dudes drive into the desert

When they are in the middle of the day, their car breaks down. For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them.

One blonde takes a tire. The second bloke takes a seat. The last blonde takes one of the car doors.

The first man says to the other two I'm bringing the tire because if I can't walk anymore, the tire will take me. The second says: But the seat is more comfortable than the tire. They both then look at the third and ask: Why bring a car door?

The thirty blonde man replies, Dudes, if I get hot, I can just roll down the window.

So four guys are driving in a car..

And suddenly the car stops. The first guy is a chemists and suggests it could be a chemical problem and that they may be out of gas, the second guy is an electrician and says he believes it could be something with the spark plugs and that they should check that, the third guy is a mechanic and says he thinks it could be the engine and that it needed to be looked at, the last guy is an IT worker and suggests that they all get out of the car, then back in, and shut the doors then try again.

I hit the gym today.

Broke my hand on the entrance doors.

Commas matter

Let's listen to the doors.

Vs.

Let's listen to the commadoors

Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.

now if i were a diamond ring, where would i hide ...

Someone asked me if I'm a gentleman.

Yes, yes I am. Holding doors open for people for example. Or when my wife gets home late, I light up some candles, letting some warm water run, add some soap, so she can start doing the dishes as soon as she gets home.

Gentleman

Despite the fact that I'm a gentleman, I have no luck with women, I just always seem to screw things up.

Recently I saw an attractive woman. I decided to open the doors for her. Unfortunately, she got sucked out of the plane.

A husband and wife are out golfing...

So a husband and wife are out golfing, on their favorite course by an old abandoned farm. On the 14th hole, a par 4, the husband hooks his shot way to the left, landing near the doors of a big barn. Just as he's setting up to hit it around the barn, his wife stops him and says,

"Wait, honey, how about I just open the doors, and you can just chip it right through straight toward the green?"

The husband agrees, and the wife opens the doors for him and stands to the side. He then lines up his shot, takes it, and the ball ricochets off the barn and hits his wife in the head, killing her instantly.

...


A few years later, the husband is out golfing on the same course with a friend of his. On that same 14th hole, he hits his shot to exactly the same place near the barn. Just as he's about to hit his second shot around the barn, his friend says,

"Wait, how about I just open the doors and you can chip it right through toward the green?"

The husband replies "Nah, last time I tried that I shot a bogey."

A church had their AC stolen

The next day there was a note on the church doors reading: "Dear thief! Keep the AC you stole, where you'll be going you'll need it"

I started working for a company that made hinges

It really opened a lot of doors for me

I am looking for other military jokes.

**What's The Difference?**

Do you want to know the difference between the branches of the U.S. military? If you say to them "Secure that building!"

* THE ARMY will go in kicking down doors, lay down suppressive fire, neutralize all hostiles and safely recover any civilians.
* THE MARINES will set up a razor wire perimiter, establish patrols, and deny access to unauthorized personnel.
* THE NAVY will unplug the coffee maker and turn off the computers and lights before leaving for the day.
* THE AIR FORCE will lease it for six years, with an option to buy.

An Amish man and his son...

An Amish man and his son go to the mall for the first time- they are amazed! All the stores, all the people! But what takes the cake is a strange double sliding metal door with numbers over it. They watch entranced as an enormous senior woman in a wheelchair rolls inside the doors, and they shut almost silently. The numbers blink up, pause, and then back down, and the doors reopen. A gorgeous, much younger women in a miniskirt emerges and walks away. The father turns, astonished, to his son and hoarsely says, "Go get your mother..."

Some women love playing hard to get.

Closing their blinds, locking their doors, calling the police...

How to make Doors jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Doors to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Doors? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Doors pick up lines to share with friends.

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