Door Lock Jokes

Have you ever noticed how humans are a lot like lemmings? Try standing at a crosswalk, and then before the light even turns green, take a step and see how many people actually step out along with you. And how when you are waiting with a crowd outside a locked business, there is always one person that comes along, pushes through the crowd and tries the locked door. As if everyone was just standing there for fun! Come on people!

What would you do if your were in a large room, all sealed up, no windows, the door was locked, and there were 5 hungry tigers, 32 vultures, 17 spitting cobras, 213 tarantulas, 1 laywer, and you had a gun with only two bullets?
Shoot the lawyer twice.

Yo' Mama is so s**..., her idea of safe s**... is to lock the car doors.

There are three blonds that went to the store.
After they get done in the store one of the blondes realizes that she locked her keys in her car.
The first blond tried using a screwdriver to unlock the door.
The second blond tried using a hanger.
The third blond tried using pen.
While they are trying to unlock the door the second blond says "We better hurry up guys its about to rain and the tops down!"

I wonder why there are locks on the doors of Seven-Eleven when it says they are open 24/7.

2 blondes in the rain...

2 blondes are leaving a bar when it starts pooring down rain. The first blonde realizes that she left the keys in the car and tries picking the lock. After a couple minutes of trying to open the door, the second blonde freaks out and says, "Hurry up! It's raining cats and dogs and the convertable top is down!"

I was having a shower,

and forgot to lock the door. My five year old daughter waltzes in and points and says:
'dad, when will I have one of those between my legs?'
I said, 'when your mum goes shopping'.

A Blond walks into a gas station...

and asks the employee: "I locked my keys in the car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
Ten minutes later a trucker comes in and can't stop laughing. So the employee asks him why he is laughing. The trucker says: "There is a Blond who tries to open her car with a coat hanger!" The employee: "So what? This could happen to anyone." Trucker: "Sure, but usually there isn't another Blond in the car who yells: a little more right / a little more left! "

When I was a teenager, I'd lock myself in my bedroom for hours every night...

One night, my dad kicked the door open to find out what I was doing. He walked in to discover me sitting on my hand.
"Ah, that old trick," he laughed. I gave an awkward smile back.
"I have to say, son," he continued, "I'm relieved to be honest. I thought you might've been doing something weird. I'll leave you to it."
When he closed the door behind him, I just shrugged my shoulders and carried on f**... myself

The locked car...

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" His reply: "I know. I already got that side."

A blonde woman locks her keys inside her car...

And so she calls a locksmith to open it. When the locksmith (who is also blonde) gets there she pulls out her Slim Jim tool to open the door when she notices a problem, the driver side window to the car is wide open.
The locksmith looks to the driver and says, "Ma'am I can't use this tool on a door when the window is open, you're going to have to close it first."

My friends got tired of the "Chinese Fire Drill".

Instead, we shout "Triangle Fire Drill", lock the car doors and scream until we reach our destination.

Don't know it till you try it.

Is my motto for checking to see if doors are locked.

A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm s**...? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"

He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

An accordion player walks into a bar,

orders a drink and chats up the bartender and the regulars for an hour.
Suddenly, he realizes that not only has he left his instrument in his back seat of his car in full view of passers-by, but he hasn't even locked his doors.
He quickly excuses himself from his conversation and rushes outside and up the block to his vehicle to take care of business, but it was too late.
Sure enough, someone had thrown another accordion in his back seat.

What underwater creature goes around and makes people lock doors?

The LOCK THIS monster!

HAGS disease

"I am afraid you have HAGS disease," the doctor explained, "That is h**..., Aids, Gonorrhea, and s**..., so we are immediately putting you on a pizza and pancake diet."
"Those foods will cure me?" he is asked.
"No," says the doctor, "But those foods we can slide under the door to the room we are locking you up in!"

Little Jimmy is sitting on the floor playing with his toy trains

A man walks in and says to little Jimmy,
Jimmy! I am you from the future!
Awesome! Says little Jimmy. What do I become in the future ?
A p**...... he replied, locking the door.

Last Valentine's day I recieved so many cards from my girlfriends that I couldn't open the front door...

Because my wife had the locks changed

Harry and j**...

Harry is at home and his door is locked. j**... come in
Harry says, "Who are you and how did you get here"
j**... says, "I'm a locksmith and I'm a locksmith"

I went to see a dermatologist.

I asked him to do everything he could to stop me from breaking out.
He locked all the doors and barricaded the windows.

Last night I witnessed my dad having a s**...

I really wish he would lock the door when he does that.

I got arrested today for not opening the door for my neighbour....

Apparently it's i**... to keep him locked inside my house

What is between moms legs?

One day a boy asked his father, Dad, what is between moms legs?
The father reply, The door to heaven!
Then what is between yours? – the boy asked. The father said, The key to the door!
Then the boy said, I think you should change the lock because our neighbor has the spare key.

that awkward feeling. when you are sitting on the toilet and forgot to lock the door and your boss walks in...

and your pants are up.

I had doubts about buying a big metal cabinet with a locking door for my guns

It turned out to be a safe purchase.

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation.
He immediately shouted, "Oh, pun the door!"

What does a suburban neighbourhood do if there's a b**...?

They lock their doors and windows.

Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.

now if i were a diamond ring, where would i hide ...

I was seeing this h**... about twice a week.

But last week she saw me and closes her blinds now.

I've just written a song about replacing my front door lock

It's got a great key change at the end

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."
Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.
Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.
Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.
Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

A musician had nothing to do so he decided to go have a drink, but the door was locked.

The bar door barred the bored bard.

Just like people, I never judge a book by its cover...

Unless that cover is brown. In which case I roll up my windows and lock my car doors.

You can tell a lot about the different branches of the armed services by their use of the word "secure":

Order Marines to secure a building and they'll attack it.
Order soldiers to secure a building and they'll post guards around it.
Order airmen to secure a building and they'll buy it.
Order sailors to secure a building and they'll turn off the lights, lock the doors, and go out drinking.

I Bought A Car. It Is So White...

It locks its own doors when it goes through a black neighborhood.

Recently, I've been trying to recapture my lost youth

I really need to get a better lock on my cellar door

My 3-Year old son just found out how to open the closet door...

Looks like I'll have to lock him up somewhere else.

Coming out of the closet in 2018

Mom.. Dad.... I have to tell you something and you may not like it.... sometimes when I visit the neighbor boy... we lock the door to his room.. and watch the NFL

I have 6 locks on my door...

When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

My next door neighbour banged on my door at 3am last night

Not sure how he got out of my basement but I'm glad the front door was locked

Jehovah's Witnesses

Jehovahs Witnesses: Do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: Of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks, lights dim, PowerPoint presentation begins]]
Me: But first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

I got so many Valentine's cards this year I couldn't get through the front door.

My wife had changed the locks.

Today I walked in on my wife and best friend

It was bad enough that he never locks the bathroom door, but now she's doing it too!

Grocery store

I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!"

I was walking by a car filled with black kids when I heard a "click" as they locked the doors and I felt like such a bad-a**......

...until I realized it was my car...

You've gotta be prepared these days, so I've bought myself an air raid shelter for the back yard.

I've requested it comes with sound proofing, doors that lock from the inside and enough supplies to last for a week.
It should be ready in time for my wife's next period.

A blonde walked into a gas station...

A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."
"Why, sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice. "No, no, a little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.

Sometimes the same word means different things to different people.

Suppose, for example, the order goes out from HQ to "secure the building."
After a short while, the Marines report back, "We have destroyed the building."
Army reports, "We have killed everyone in the building and are holding the position."
Navy: "We locked the door when we left for the day."
Air Force: "We signed a three-year lease with an option to buy."

The difference between the services

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase secure the building :
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

Why did it always take so long for President Obama to get into the presidential limo?

The driver got scared and kept pressing the door lock button when he saw him approach.

I have this s**... obsession to check whether the oven is on and that the doors are locked.

I really hate my job at the crematorium.

Villian: I'm going to bury superman this evening, bwahahahha!

Henchman: yeah, lol, heard this one before.
Villian: No really! At sundown, I'm going to lure him into this mausoleum and lock the door, it's his weakness!
Henchman: What are you talking about, that'll never work!
Villian: Of course it will, it's his crypt tonight.

Two Blondes leave a bar and realize they've locked their keys in the car.

After trying every door, attempting to call someone for help, and further debate, one blonde says to the other I bet I can unlock the doors with a coat hanger! I'll run inside and see if they have one!
The other blonde says Ok, well hurry because it looks like it's going to rain and the top is down!

Why a man should always choose a dog over a wife

No man should ever choose a woman when we can get himself a dog.
Want proof?
Next time they misbehave put your dog and your woman in the garage for an hour and lock the door. Which one is happy to see you when you come back?

A newlywed couple is returning home after their wedding.

The husband can't get the key into the lock to unlock his door. The wife sneers and says, "Well, that's a nice start"

My mom always gets violent with my dad during s**......

You'd think he'd try locking my bedroom door behind him by now.

TIFU by walking in on my roommate jerking off

Our eyes locked as I opened the front door. He seemed really embarrassed and then he spoke.
"Why are you m**...?," he asked me.

My wife was really screaming during s**... last night

I have *got* to remember to lock that bathroom door!