Door Jokes
160 door jokes and hilarious door puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about door that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for some fun to brighten up your day? Check out this collection of hilarious door jokes! From broken garagedoors to revolving front doors and everything in between, we've got jokes to make you smile and laugh. Bring the humor of these door jokes into your room, down the hall and out the window!
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Funniest Door Short Jokes
Short door jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The door humour may include short drawer jokes also.
- My granddad always used to say, As one door closes another one opens. Lovely man.
Terrible cabinet maker. - I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
- Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.
- My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her. Instead I just swam for the surface.
- My son came home as I was taking his door off it's hinges and asked Dad what are you doing?
We've updated our privacy policy - I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning... ...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.
- I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.
- Just been challenged to a water fight by next doors brat kids... Popped on here to check messages while the kettle boils.
- My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
- My favorite Dad joke, because it's my cake day. Why does a chicken coup only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan.
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Door One Liners
Which door one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with door? I can suggest the ones about pong and hole.
- To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night: I'm not letting you out.
- When one door closes... An incognito window opens.
- The other day I held the door for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
- What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door? Matt.
- I went to a psychic… I knocked on her front door
She yelled who is it?
So I left - Last night I played a blank tape at full volume. The mime next door went nuts.
- Knock, knock *shouting thru door*
Just leave it outside, Thank you!
(2020 update) - Guys, I just figured out how to walk thorough walls! Doors
- Oscar Pistorius wants a new bathroom door His girlfriend is dead against it.
- What do you call a $1000 door? A grand entrance
- my dog is training to be a blacksmith every now and then he'll make a bolt for the door
- There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people Push and pull
- Just finished building doors for my fish. I'm highly skilled in the field of carp-entry.
- If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door. He's standing right behind you.
- Why did Sauron buy the sedan instead of the coupe? More doors.
Back Door Jokes
Here is a list of funny back door jokes and even better back door puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife's leaving me because I'm too arrogant. I told her to close the door on her way back in.
- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog because he shuts up after you let him in.
- Late one night in the USSR there is a knock at the door. Everyone leaps out of bed. Papa goes shakily to the door.
'It's all right,' he says, coming back. 'The building's on fire.' - I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back ... ... he made a bolt for the door.
- Did you hear about the guy who is both a taxidermist and a veterinarian? He has a sign on his door: Either way, you get your dog back.
- Why does Santa come down the chimney? Mrs. clause told him he'd never be allowed to come in the back Door.
- Ever since the government lockdown, my neighbor has had to run her business out of her backyard. She bakes delicious pastries. Google Back Door Cream Pies if you're interested.
- So a woman walks out of a doctor's office and she stops at the door, looks back at the doctor and says :
- What was it again ? Sagittarius, Capricorn ?
- No ma'am, CANCER ! - I love my wife but I've been seeing someone else... ...leaving through the back door as I get home every day.
- How do you end a prayer to the noodle God? Ramen.
Front Door Jokes
Here is a list of funny front door jokes and even better front door puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not. I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"
- Someone keeps dropping off random lego blocks in front of my door every morning. I …don't know what to make of it.
- I always knock on the front door of my fridge ... Just in case there is a salad dressing.
- Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side... I mean, imagine all the peepholes.
- How do you know when there's a banjo player at the front door? He's got the wrong key and he doesn't know when to come in.
- My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighbourhood animals immediately started attacking it. Nature abhors a vacuum.
- A man stumbles to his front steps late one Tuesday night... He clumsily opens the door to be met by his furious wife.
"Drunk again?!" she asks.
He chuckles and says "Hey, me too." - I only had a few dollars until someone dropped off a bag of quarters at my front door I'm not sure how I feel about this sudden change
- My mum said she didn't want me home later than 12. So at 12:01 I opened the front door and went outside.
- When I was growing up, we were so poor... We used to leave the front door open all night, hoping a thief would come in and drop something.
Closed Door Jokes
Here is a list of funny closed door jokes and even better closed door puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife said she was leaving me today because he couldn't handle my OCD any more… I said, "Close the door 5 times on your way out."
- When one door closes another one opens That's all well and good , I told the car dealer, but I'm not buying the car until you fix it!
- Lockdown here in Australia is confusing. I have no idea what's open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home.
- My ex girlfriend wasn't able to handle my OCD I told her to close the door five times on her way out.
- When one door closes, another one opens... ...and that is when you realize you've bought a really bad second hand car.
- When one door closes, another door opens. Other than that, I love my new car.
- How do you get a hippie off your door step? Pay for the pizza and close the door.
- As one door closes, another opens... I really wish I'd followed the instructions building this wardrobe.
- What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? Close the door! I'm dressing!
- "Whenever one door closes, another opens." "Wow, you must be very optimistic about life."
"No, I live in a haunted house."
Locked Door Jokes
Here is a list of funny locked door jokes and even better locked door puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm really looking to re-capture my lost youth... ...my basement door doesn't lock properly
- I just learned how to lock pick Its opened so many doors for me
- I went to a store that sells door locks for little people. Low key, it was pretty nice.
- My wife said wasting what little money we have on a lock picking set was not a good investment. But it's actually opened a lot of doors for me.
- Why did the black man walk into a bar? Because the cell door was still locked.
- I'm writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There's a lovely key change at the end.
- Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game? Every time somebody goes in a bathroom and locks the door, you take four shots.
- What two keys are the worst at opening locked doors? A monkey and a donkey
- Why couldn't Elon Musk enter his house? Because his door was locked and he left the keys in his car.
- (A joke my 3 y/o nephew came up with) Kiddo: knock knock
Mom: who's there?
Kid: Daddy. Because I locked the door. *laughs hysterically*
Garage Door Jokes
Here is a list of funny garage door jokes and even better garage door puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My dad told me he put a draw bridge at our house. Turns out, he installed the garage door upside down.
- My dad tried to kill himself He parked the car in the garage and left it running for hours with the garage doors closed. He came inside the house after 4 hours when he realized we had a hybrid car.
- The FBI has determined the rope in Bubba Wallace's garage was a door pull and not a noose. I guess no noose is good news.
- I just drove my truck into a building! Good thing I opened the garage door first.
- What did Stephen Hawking and Kurt Cobain garage door having common? They were both very brainy
Charming Humor Door Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about door you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fork jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make door pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely n**....
I'm not sure what scared him more. My n**... body or the fact I knew where he lived
I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"
Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are s**...?"
Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.
Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".
The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're s**.... Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
Blondes At The Bus Stop.
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
A bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside, asking the driver - "will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"
The bus driver shakes his head, "no, I'm sorry, it won't" he says.
The other blonde leans inside and asks, "how about me?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny walks in on his parents having s**........
his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"
Pavlov is sitting at a bar...
...when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.
Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...
...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"
A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex.
The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Robin Williams' Favorite Joke
Guy's having s**... with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, ''Well, I'd better talk to Timmy.''
He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door , and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes ''Oh, my God!'' And the kid goes, ''Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"
A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door.
Jew: "Can I help you?"
Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"
Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."
Witness: "No way?!"
Jew: "Yahweh."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a man goes to confess after 25 years
So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of p**... n**... calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"
But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Australian bin man knocks at the door of a Chinese guy
And asks 'where's ya bin mate'
The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!'
The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin'
The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been w**...'
A student comes to a young professor's office hours...
She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
A teacher asks her class to use 'contagious' in a sentence
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.
"Our mean next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious.
"When one door closes, another opens", he said.
"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...
Had a house party last night
...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home."
His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"
A panda walks into a bar...
And eats some beer nuts, he then pulls out a gun fires it in the air heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender and the panda yells back "I'm a panda google me" and sure enough 'panda: a tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...
"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"
A wife comes home late one night
She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
A guy meets his buddy at the bar.
He says, "I don't want to brag, but when I walked in, those two girls by the door looked at me, then both said to each other, 'nine' ". His buddy said, "Really? When I walked in, they were speaking German!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend told me she's leaving me because I'm too c**....
I told her to close the door on her way back in.
A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."
A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."
She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"
He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't always beat my girlfriend, but when I do...
it's to the door to open it for her.
Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy's belly last night.
Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy's big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.
Aha, I know why it isn't working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.
When interacting with police follow their instructions carefully
Me: [hears knock on door] "Who is it?"
Trooper: "State Police identify yourself."
Me: "Police identify yourself"
Trooper: "State Police"
Me: "Police"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.
The little boy said, Mom what are you doing?
She said, Son, your daddy's stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.
He said, Aw momma you're wasting your time because when you're not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!
My next door neighbor is Bulimic and she was making so much noise last night, that I banged on the wall and shouted...
"For goodness sake, keep it down!"
My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, quick!
So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted, "Walmart, halfway down aisle 10, bottom shelf!"
A Calvinist dies and goes to Heaven
He sees two doors. One is labeled free will, and the other is predestination. He walks through the predestination door and an angel asks him why he was here. The Calvanist replies, "I saw this door and decided to walk through it." The angel replies, "You can't be here, you chose this."
Dejected, he goes into the other door. Its angel asks him why he was here.
He replies, "I had no choice"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar and says, "O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please."
The bartender tells him, "I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!" The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer.
The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, "O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please."
The bartender asks him, "It didn't work, huh?"
The guy says, "N-n-nope. B-but y-your h-h-house is r-r-really n-n-nice."
"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.
"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be s**...! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...
...they'd even know my birth year!
4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.
The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.
Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.
I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"
"Sir?" I asked.
"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."
"Yes, sir"
"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!"
"Yes, sir"
"And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!"
"Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
n**... painting
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t**.... Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her s**... sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have s**... before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate those people that bang on your door saying you need to be saved or else you'll burn
s**... firemen
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.
1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.
Third and most important.
3. He should be great in bed.
One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.
The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."
The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the h**... are you supposed to be great in bed then? Didn't you read the third requirement?"
I think You're mistaken my lady.
Peter replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I was having s**... with this woman...
I had her bent over her kitchen table, giving it to her good. When all of a sudden we heard a car door slam out front.
Oh god, she said, it's my husband. Quick, use the back door!
Well, I probably should have left at that point, but it's not an offer you get everyday...
Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.
Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
Do you realise what time it is?!? she stammered.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.
Immediately her attitude changed, and running down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked What did you buy for the house, dear?"
Tom answered A round of drinks!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Locked in her basement
A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her s**... s**....
One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"
So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.
Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement.
Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"
"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.
Nice t**..., where you want me to hang the blinds?
Mr. and Mrs. Keaton notice the young man staying next door always kisses his girlfriend every morning before heading to work.
"Why don't you do that?" Mrs.Keaton asks her husband.
"Darling, I don't even know the woman."
The recipe said, Set the oven to 180 degrees.
Now I have no idea what to do, because the oven door is facing the wall.
A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
Ah, he said, That's my altar ego.
My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday
So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. Stay where you are, she whispered. He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me.
The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?
You're so drunk you miscounted, said the wife. "Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted again: "One, two, three, four. Oh, you're right."
A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.
Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.
The biologist says - They must've reproduced!
The physicist says - This must be a measurement error!
The mathematician says - If one more person enters, the house will be empty!
A girl tells her mom she's dating the guy next door
The mom's like you can't date him he could be your dad
And the daughter is like so there's an age difference who cares
I think you misunderstood me
For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa's favorite joke when I was growing up: Wanna hear a dirty joke?
-A man fell in a mud puddle.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... is trying to stay afloat during this pandemic so they are starting door to door service thus a name change is in order.
They will now be known as k**...
If I'm reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's Witness?
Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I encountered a m**... at a bar last night
although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and s**...
we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time
then, she asked me flirtatiously
"have you ever tried a mother-daughter t**... before?"
I said, "Nope, not yet".
She drank a little more, and said, "well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."
So she took me to her place.
She took out her keys
opens her door
turn on the light
and she yells towards upstairs
"Mom, are you still awake？
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call the space between 2 artificial b**...?
Silicone Valley......
I'll leave and close the door behind me
My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.
With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What does Bond's doorbell sounds like?
d**.... Ding d**...
A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn
A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they'd get the hotel doctor to visit. I was rather surprised that such a small place would have a house doctor, and was just telling the manager this when my room door burst open and in leapt a man yelling "Nobody expects the Spanish Inn physician!"
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A lawyer is out for a drive when he gets violently sideswiped, seemingly out of nowhere.
A police officer arrives at the scene to take his statement, but the driver keeps ranting on and on about the damage to his car.
"My beautiful BMW! The g**... door was torn right off!"
The police officer rolls his eyes and says "You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. Here you are, going on about your precious car, and you didn't even notice your left arm was torn off in the c**...."
The man looks down at the b**... stump, and with mounting horror, exclaims, "*My Rolex!*"
An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.
A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Wong came and gave me bitter herbs, and I got even worse. On death's door I called for Dr. Chang." "And what did Dr. Chang do?", his friend asks in wonder. The man replies happily, "Dr. Chang did the best of all, he didn't come, so I got well!"
A redditor answers the door to find a salesman who's selling encyclopedias
"I don't need those," says the redditor. "I'm very well-informed."
"Oh, that's fortuitous!" replies the salesman, "Just think of how much fun you'll have sifting through them and finding all the errors!"
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A man buys a parrot and brings him home.
But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really n**..., so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him, and says, "I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."
The man says, "Well, thank you. I forgive you."
The parrot then says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"
Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door.
That way, I always make a grand entrance.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog s**... on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."
I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."
So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.
"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.
Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."
The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My daughter, 10, won tonight
My wife and I were stepping out to the neighbors for a get together and she is staying home tonight, so I reviewed the ground rules - don't answer the door, let the dog out the back door, call us if you need, etc.
She looked at me and said You know the rules, and so do I
Rickrolled as a dad joke.
Later, called to remind her to let the dog, who is a white goldendoodle, out. Speech to text s**... up and put make sure Ginger isn't at the door into make sure Ginger isn't at the bar
The reply?
Too late, she's white dog wasted
We have a natural here…
My daughter just walked into the living room and said
"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother. Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said... Dad, this is my new boyfriend, he supports the Lakers"
