Door Handle Jokes
42 door handle jokes and hilarious door handle puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about door handle that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Door Handle Short Jokes
Short door handle jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The door handle humour may include short door hinge jokes also.
- My wife said she was leaving me today because he couldn't handle my OCD any more… I said, "Close the door 5 times on your way out."
- I just got fired from my job at the door making factory. I just couldn't get a handle on it.
- My ex girlfriend wasn't able to handle my OCD I told her to close the door five times on her way out.
- Why do all the doors in 10 Downing Street have handles? That place already has enough knobs.
- I used to have a fear of door knobs ...I sought professional help as it was more than I could handle.
- Fixing a door myself proved to be rather difficult. I could never quite get the handle on it.
- My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.
- Most people would hate having a bedroom door without a handle... ..but I'd say it's my most prised possession.
- Why was the girl stuck in the revolving door for two weeks? cuz she couldn't find the door handle
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Door Handle One Liners
Which door handle one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with door handle? I can suggest the ones about doorknob and door lock.
- My door was not working I couldn't handle it
- Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac? Quiet son and help me pull granny off the door handle!
- There are many facts about doors... but that would be too much information to handle.
- For years I've had trouble with my front door. Finally I got a handle on it.
- Yo momma's like a door handle... everybody gets a turn
- He opens the door then turns the handle.
Door Handle Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about door handle you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean door buttons jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make door handle pranks.
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice, secured it tightly, and removed the handle. Next, she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. You are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"
This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off.
After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off.
Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off.
I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand.
Now I'm afraid to pee.
Bill and Ted were at a bar...
Bill asked, "Hey where's Dave? Why isn't he here tonight?"
"Dave is dead," said Ted.
"How?"
Ted said, "Well, he was supposed to pick me up, but when he got to my house, he hit my Ferrari in the driveway, flew through his own windshield, and crashed through my kitchen window."
"What a terrible way to die!"
"Well, no, that didn't kill him. He tried to get up off of my kitchen floor, and he grabbed the handle of my refrigerator door for balance, but the fridge tipped over. It knocked down my china cabinet as well, and everything fell on him."
"Flattened by a refrigerator? That's horrible!"
"That didn't kill him either. He managed to stand up but he fell again, this time into my fireplace. He caught on fire, and started running frantically about. Everything he touched caught on fire, and he looked like he was in a lot of pain."
"That's the worst thing yet! Oh man, poor Dave!"
"No, he was still alive after that."
"Wait, he survived all that? How exactly did he die?"
"Well, I shot him. He was destroying my house."
A rancher dies.
A rancher dies and leaves the ranch to his wife. She, not being able to handle the responsibility of caring for the ranch, is forced to hire a ranch hand. The only available candidate happens to be a gay man, to whom she is fairly prejudiced. But left with no choice, she hires him. It turns out to be a great decision. He's really good. The ranch is well maintained and the animals are happy and healthy. As a reward, she tells him to take the night off. 'Go into town and enjoy yourself,' she says. And so he does. But by midnight, he's still not home.
12:30...
1:00...
1:30... nothing...
2:00 in the morning, he finally walks in the door, and she's waiting for him. She's sitting in an easy chair, by the fireplace. She's got a cigarette in one hand and a glass of brandy in the other, sipping it by candlelight. He walks in. She says to him...
'Take off my blouse'
He's a bit taken a back, and quite frankly, a little uncomfortable, but he does it.
'Now, take off my skirt'
Again, he's uncomfortable but, again, he does it.
'Take off my bra.'
Now, he's visibly nervous, but this is his boss, so, he goes ahead and does it.
'Now, take off my p**....'
By this point, he's noticeably upset and uncomfortable, but he does it.
'And if I ever catch you wearing my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
You aren't a monk.
A man is driving through a town and his car breaks down in front of a monastery. He decides to go up to the door and ask if he can stay the night and the monks let him. At night he is laying in his bed and he hears this extremely strange noise. In the morning he asks a monk what the strange noise was. The monk replied, "I can't tell you because you aren't a monk." The man accepted this fact, graciously thanked the monks for letting him stay, and went on his way. Three years later the man was driving through the same town and broke down in front of the same monastery. Again he asks the monks if he could stay the night, and they let him. And again at night he hears the strange noise. In the morning he asks and gets the same answer. Then he asks how he can become a monk. They reply, "Go count every blade of grass and every pebble in the world." The man comes back 43 years later and gives them accurate numbers. They let him become a monk and the first thing he does is ask to see what the noise was. They take him to a wooden door. He reaches for the handle and its locked. They give him a key, then he happens upon a stone door. Locked. He goes through every kind of door you could possibly think of as they give him keys for each. Then he gets to a diamond door and they give him a key and he unlocks it. Then he opens it and is completely amazed. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Alaskan retirement.
Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having
a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00."
"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."
As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some
drinkin!"
"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fighting' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can
handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild s**..., too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
How I got my car fixed.
So I'm sitting on the side of the road, car broken down, when a guy pulls up to me. He gets out and asks if I need help. I said, "Sure, if you can fix it." He walks around back and kicks the bumper, slams his fist on the trunk, and twists the gas gap a bunch of times. Then he walks around to the side, opens the door, and slams it shut a few times, then pulls on the front handle for about a minute. He asks me to try it again, and sure enough it starts. I ask him, "Is it fixed?" He says, "No, I tricked the car into thinking it works again. I say, "Wow, you're not too bad of a bad mechanic." Confused, he says, "Mechanic? No.... I'm a Chiropractor."
Why some put angels as Christmas tree toppers.
One year, Santa procrastinated too much and had an hour to go over his naughty nice list.
He was in a cabin gaining some progress when he heard a knock on his door. "Santa, we need your help in the workshop!"
Frustrated, Santa yelled "I'm busy right now, handle it yourselves. I can't afford to be interrupted!" And slammed the door.
Not 15 minutes later another knock is heard and his agitation is climbing. He opens the door and yells "What?!"
It was Mrs. Claus and she said startled "I brought you some food."
His face tuning red, he says "I've got a half hour left to check this list, I can't be interrupted!" He then slammed the door on his wife. He then says "I swear, the next interruption I get I'll just lose it."
About 20 minutes passed when he heard a knock at the door. He stormed to the door with a burning hatred when he opened it. It was an angel holding a Christmas tree. "Hey Santa, where do you want the tree?"
The locked car...
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" His reply: "I know. I already got that side."
A Chinese man with the unfortunate name "Shan Yu"
To escape the ridicule of his peers, this man moved to the United States and found a job in an office that simplified scholarly articles on FOL (first order logic) so that the average Joe could read them.
It turned out this was Shan Yu's dream job; no one else could handle the language in the FOL files like he could. In his off hours he would practice hiding his accent, and "FOL" was his word of choice.
After years of practice, Shan Yu's accent was rock solid in all but the most emotional scenarios, and even then was only a bit shaky.
One day, Shan Yu heard his supervisor explaining to a client that the papers his company managed were beginning to become far too erudite for the average reader to grasp. In casual terms, these were the FOL-est papers he'd ever seen. Upon hearing this, Shan Yu slammed open the door and proclaimed: "Only Yu can prevent FORest fires!"
Do I look like a gardener?
A woman said to her husband: Do the garden
He replied: Do I like a gardener?
Then she said: Fix the tap
He replied: Do I look like a plumber?
Then she said: Fix the door handle
He replied: Do I look like a carpenter?
He went out that afternoon and returned to find the garden don, the tap and the handle fixed, and asked his wife how she did it.
The neighbor's son saw me in the garden and offered help She replied, and said he'd either do it for s**... or a hamburger
The man said in shock: You gave him a burger, right?
She replied: Do I look like McDonald's?
A man was sick and tired of the city life, so he moved to the country side...
Years go by and nobody bothers him. Finally, one day, he heard a knock on his door.
Neighbor: "How are you doing, neighbor? I'm hosting a party and your presence there would be much appreciated!"
Man: "Cool! It's been years since I had human interaction. I'll come!"
Neighbor: "Fantastic! Just some pointers first though. There's going to be heavy drinking..."
Man: "I can handle my liquor."
Neighbor: "And maybe some rough drunken fights..."
Man: "I've been in a few bar fights before, I can hold my ground."
Neighbor: "And some raw drunken s**...."
Man: "Even better! So what should I wear to the party?"
Neighbor: "Don't bother with small details like that, it's just the two of us anyways."
There's a woman who gets dropped off at my building for work every day by the husband.
And every day the husband will come out and go to the passenger side to open the car door for her.
Seeing so much love from the husband I decided to ask her whether this has always been the way.
She replied no, it only started two years ago.
I asked "What made him change?"
The woman replied "Change? the inside door handle stopped working two years ago. He didn't want to change it."
A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway
The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!"
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
"What's the matter?" the cop asks.
She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190.
A guy drinks all night in a pub
When the pub closes, he tried to go home, but he can't stand on his feet, so he decides to crawl outside, maybe the fresh air will make him feel better.
But even outside he doesn't manage to get on his feet, so without a choice he crawls until he gets home, barely manages to reach the door handle, and crashes on the bed.
When he wakes up, his wife yells at him "where drinking all night again?!"
"How did you know?" He asks.
"Cause the guy from the pub called and said you forgot your wheelchair"
Walmart Bathroom
I was in Walmart using the restroom and just as I closed my stall door, a voice from the next stall said, Hi! How are you?
Embarrassed... I said, I'm ok!"
The voice said, "So what are you up to?
I said, Ummm... Just trying to handle a little private business over here!
Then I hear, Can I come over?
Annoyed... I said Excuse me?!?!."
Then the voice said, Listen, I will have to call you back, there's an idiot in the next stall answering all my questions!"
Embarrassed!!
Someone asked me what was my secret to a successful marriage after having kids? I told them it's Vaseline, but not for what you're thinking.
Rub a scoop onto the door handle and the kids can't turn the k**... to get into the house.
A man came home early from work one day and found his next-door neighbor in bed with his wife.
Quickly pulling a gun, he marched the n**... fellow into the garage where he tightly secured the neighbor's private parts in the vise on the workbench.
Still holding the gun to the man's head, he bent the handle of the vise with a crowbar. Putting the gun in his pocket, he then took out a very large hunting knife.
"Hey," yelled the neighbor in panic, "you're not gonna cut it off, are ya?"
"No," said the husband as he placed the knife on the workbench, "you are. I'm torching the garage."
It was a chilly day of spring when I answered the door to a child holding a plastic pumpkin by the handle.
"Trick or treat!"
"A little late on that one you reckon? Halloween was months ago"
"It was? Sorry, I'm Internet Explorer"
Locked keys in car…
On finishing up their round of golf O'Reily and O'Connor returned back to their car only to discover the doors were locked and the keys were in the ignition.
After quite a few minutes of messing with the door handles and thinking up the best way to gain entry to the vehicle, it all of a sudden began to cloud over.
p**... says O'Connor' look at those black clouds coming in over there. You'd better put the roof up or the seats are going to get soaked .
Meanwhile in the restroom
I was in Walmart using the restroom and just as I closed my stall door, a voice from the next stall said,
\- Hi! How are you?
Embarrassed... I said,
\- I'm all right!!"
The voice said,
\- "So what are you up to?
I said,
\- Ummm... Just trying to handle a little private business over here!
Then I hear,
\- Can I come over?
Annoyed... I said,
\- Excuse me?!?!."
Then the voice said,
\- Listen, I will have to call you back, there's an idiot in the next stall answering all my questions!"