Dont Leave Me Jokes

What are some Dont Leave Me jokes?

Woman in a coma

Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, "I dont know...I think she choked."

A Guy walks in an Irish Pub

I guy on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and says
"I hear you Irish can drink, I'll give a thousand bucks
to the guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in under 5 minutes"
Everyone is quiet but one of the Irishmen gets up and leaves.
In a few minutes the Irishmen walks back in and says
"Line me up 10 pints of Guinness" and he drinks them in 4 minutes flat.
As the guy is paying him the $1000 he asks the Irishmen
"If ya dont mind me askin, when you left earlier, where'd ya go"
The Irishmen says "I had to go to the pub next door
cuz I wanted to make sure I could do it"

These three blondes where going to purchase a Christmas tree but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.

The first blonde said "I dont care how long it
takes us I want a perfect tree."

The other two blondes agreed saying "We won't
leave untill we find the right one."

Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and
hungry friends and said "I promise the next
tree we come across we'll chop it down and
take it home and i wont care if it's decorated
for Christmas or not."

A slightly overweight transgendered person walks into a health food store

the manager instantly runs up and tells her to leave the store, "why?" she asks confusedly, the manager points angrily at a sign on the door

"No trans fats"

(I dont mean to offend anyone, I just heard this from a trans friend.)

A man of God floating around in the ocean after a shipwreck.

Suddenly a small vessel appears. The captain offers to save him. The man replies: "No, i'm fine. God will save me." The Captain leaves him.

After some time, another boat appears. This time, a fishing boat. The fishermen quickly throw in a net into the water and asks the man to grab onto it so they can pull him in. He respectfully declined and said: "God will save me. Dont worry, i have faith".

The man eventually dies and goes to heaven where he meets God. The man says: "i had total faith in you. Why didn't you save me?"

To which god says "Idiot! i sent you two boats."

A psychiatrist in a mental asylum wanted to test the sanity of the patients

He gathered the patients in a room, then drew a door on a wall with a chalk. He pointed at the "door" and told the patient, open this door and you are free to leave through it. The patients then beging to fruitlessly trying to open the fake door, exept for one patient who just sit in place watching the other patients with an amused grin on his face. The psychiatrist approached the lone patient thinking she might be cured and asked her why she didn't try to open the fake door like other patients.

The patient opened her hand to show scribble of a key on her palm and said, "I dont want anyone to come with meβ€ž

Piece of rope walks into a gas station..

and tries to buy a gatorade, the clerk looks the rope up and down then sniffs and says "we dont serve your kind in here!". So the rope leaves, but determined to get his drink ties himself into a knot and frays his ends. He goes back in and the smae clerk looks at him and says "You a rope?" the rope replies "Frayed knot!".

Got any grapes?

One day a duck walks into a pharmacy. He asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk then replies: "No, we don't sell grapes we are a pharmacy. You want the grocery store around the corner." So the duck says "OK" and walks out.

The next day the same duck comes back into the pharmacy and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk replies "No, I said yesterday that you want the grocery store, this is a pharmacy." So the duck again says "OK" and leaves.

The next day the duck comes back in and asks "Got any grapes?"The clerk then gets very angry and says "Look, this is the third day in a row that you have come in asking for grapes. I told you we dont sell grapes! Now if you come back here again asking for grapes I will nail your feet to the floor!!" The duck then says "OK" and leaves.

The fourth day the same duck comes back in the pharmacy and the clerk notices him right away. The duck says "Got any nails?" The clerk is confused and says "No we dont sell nails, we are a pharmacy. You want the hardware store."

So the duck says, "Good. Got any grapes?"

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