Dont Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

Dont challange Death to a pillow fight

...Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.

The new father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.

"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."

"Dad you dont mea-"

"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.

"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."

"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. We are efficient and dont have humour.

Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.

Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alchocolic?
Mom: Of course not.
Son: Well neither would he.

A woman is in the hospital in a coma...

and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.

The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."

My parents treat me like a god.

They dont believe in me.

Whats the difference between an al qaeda training camp and a school?

I dont know, I just fly the drones.

Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa

why dont atheists solve exponential equations ?

they dont believe in higher powers.

What's one thing you dont want to have while putting out a fire?

Verizon Wireless.

in mexico, we don't say "I love you"

cause we dont speak english.

Mom, someone called me gangster at school today.

Mom: Dont worry I'll go tomorrow and solve this problem

Son: Make sure it looks like an accident.

A man is watching tv and starts yelling "No! No! DONT GO IN THE CHURCH!!!"

The wife from another room asks: "honey what are you watching?"

Husband: our wedding video

You know what would be a hilarious prank?

Make people study for 18 years and dont give them a job.

The other night I superglued my thumb and forefinger together...

Dont worry, everything is ok

What do you call a mouse on 2 legs

Friend "i dont know"
Me "mickey mouse"
Me "what do you call a duck on 2 legs"
Friend "donald duck"
Me " all ducks idiot"

Why dont witches wear panties?

So they can grip the broom.

Whats the difference between a porsche and an erection?

I dont have a porsche.

(Best told by whispering in someones ear.)

A man orders a pizza

A man orders a pizza. The waiter asks him: "Do you want your pizza cut in six or eight Pieces?" The man replies: "Six, i dont think i can eat eight"

During sex im like a high energy photon hitting the Earth's atmosphere...

I come fast and dont penetrate very far! ... ayyyyy!

A physicist notices a man about to jump of a really tall building, he yells:


A man watches TV

Α man watches TV and start shouting :

Dont go, Dont do it...Dont do it...NOOOOOOO

His wife comes in and says : What are you watching there ?

And the man says : I was just watching our wedding on DVD

My drug dealer got me shoes for Christmas

I dont know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping ever since

Mommy mommy I dont wanna see grandma!

Mom: Shut up and keep digging.

A police officer stops a driver...

A police officer stops a driver to give him a ticket. He looks at the guy's driver license and says, "This says here that you need to wear corrective lenses when you drive."

The guy replies, "I have contacts".

The cops says, "I dont care who you know you still need corrective lenses"

I dont know why its called kidnapping,

Ive never got one of those little bastards to fall asleep

A plane just landed...

Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."

His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."

I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.

A young muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

and starts crying. So one of the employees goes over to help: "Its ok, we'll find your mum for you. So, what does she look like?"
The kid replies "I dont know."

A joke my 8 year old brother told me. G rating

Why dont you take a pokemon to the bathroom.

Because it might pi-ka-chu

Mathematicians in a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a pint, the second a half a pint, the third 1/4 pint, the fourth 1/8... the bartender gets impatient, gives the whole group 2 pints and says "you guys dont know your limits..."

Remember alcohol and calculus dont mix

So don't drink and derive

I dont get it

If someone donates 1 kindey, they're hailed a hero, but I donate 5 and get arrested!?

What's more Irish than potatoes?

Not having potatoes

_(Dont know who came up with this joke but I love it)_

My job is top secret

Even i dont know what im doing

Whats the difference between an ISIS stronghold and a syrian school?

I dont know, i just fly the drone.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer today...

I dont know what he laced them with but i have been tripping like crazy

A new study showed that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I dont remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Why dont witches wear underwear?

So they can get a good grip on the broomstick

How many racists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Racists dont like to be enlightened.

I am not racist

I dont care if you are black, yellow or normal.

Someone stole my mood ring.

I dont know how i feel about that.

Stephen Hawking can be pretty funny sometimes,

But I dont think he could do standup

I asked my girlfriend if she could get me a newspaper

"Don`t be silly", she replied, "you can borrow my ipad".

That fly never knew what hit it.

Granny's boyfriend

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.

The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend."

Today I had dinner with my boss and his wife

It was a complete disaster. The wife asked me "how many potatoes would you like?" and I said "I'll just have one". She said "it's alright, you dont have to be polite", and I said "alright then, I'll just have one you stupid cow".

^^^thanks ^^^to ^^^Tim ^^^Vine

Sex is like playing cards..

if you dont have a good partner you better have a good hand.

my psychiatrist just diagnosed me with schizophrenia..

was really worried until i remembered i dont have a psychiatrist lol

A Guy walks in an Irish Pub

I guy on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and says
"I hear you Irish can drink, I'll give a thousand bucks
to the guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in under 5 minutes"
Everyone is quiet but one of the Irishmen gets up and leaves.
In a few minutes the Irishmen walks back in and says
"Line me up 10 pints of Guinness" and he drinks them in 4 minutes flat.
As the guy is paying him the $1000 he asks the Irishmen
"If ya dont mind me askin, when you left earlier, where'd ya go"
The Irishmen says "I had to go to the pub next door
cuz I wanted to make sure I could do it"

Overheard this in the train, not a joke per se, but I found it funny

>Two dudes were talking about moving to US so the first dude's child will have an American education.

Dude1: My wife and I were thinking that we should move to the US so our kid will have an American education?

Dude2: You dont want to do that.

Dude1: Why?

Dude2: You are telling me you want to send your child to a place where people cant tell the difference between a clock and a bomb?

2 spies in an interrogation room

The interrogator sat in front of them and asked for names.

Spy A says to the other

"Whatever you do, dont say a word"

A few seconds later Spy B said


The Spy A looked at Spy B and said

"what did just say?"

Spy B replied

"Oh when we played scrabble you said '*thats not a word*' and NOW its a word"

News from the sexual health clinic

A friend of mine received news from the sexual health clinic, he opened the letter and gleefully shouted "high five!". Relieved I took a look at the letter, dont know how I'm going to tell him that it's pronounced H.I.V

A soon-to-be-wed couple are snuggling in bed after sex one night...

...The man suggests that they come clean about any straying that they may have done since they got together.

"It`s best to get this stuff out in the open before the wedding," he explains.

The woman replies, "Oh darling. Don`t you remember? We went through all this a month ago."

The man takes a deep breath and says, "Aah...yes...But that was a month ago..."

Why dont you need birth controls when having sex with British boys?

They are the earliest to pull out of eu.

A German, American and a Mexican gey captured by a tribe

An American, Mexican and German get captured by a tribe.

The Tribemaster says to the German: "Choose what we shall put on your back before we start whipping you."

The German has decided: "Pour fresh beer all over me!"

So thats what they did, and whipped the German untill he died.
Next they walk to the Mexican and ask the same question.

"I dont need anything." he says, proudly.
They keep whipping his back, but he endured everything.

And thats when they ask the same question to the American.

"What do you want on your back?"

The American responds "The Mexican."

So I ask my local librarian...

If she had books on Pavlovs dog and Schrodingers cat. She said they rang a bell but dont know if they are there or not.

An old widow decides to place a personal ad...

An old widow decides to place a personal ad. It reads, "Older woman seeking a man who won't beat me, won't run out on me, and who is still good in bed." The next day her doorbell rings. She answers it, and to her suprise there is a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. The man says "I'm here about the ad." The old lady says, "But you have no arms." The man replies, "Therefore I cannot beat you." The old lady says,"But you dont have any legs." The man replies, " So I can't run out on you." The old lady says "Well, are you still good in bed?" The old man smiles and replies, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

In the hands of an expert..

A tourist takes a taxi in a foreign town. The taxi driver speeds through a red light. The tourist, frightened, asks

"What are you doing?"

The driver answers:

"Dont worry, I am an expert."

He speeds through more red lights, and the tourist, on the verge of hysteria, complains again, more urgently. The driver replies

"Relax, relax, you are in the hands of an expert."

Suddenly, the light turns green, the driver slams on the brakes, and the taxi skids to a halt. The tourist picks himself off the floor of the taxi and asks

"For crying out loud, why stop now that the light is finally green?"

The driver answers

"Too dangerous, could be another expert crossing."

Why do java developers always wear eyeglasses?

Because they dont C#

why dont jewish people like getting made fun of?

Because millions of them already got roasted


Wife to husband: I want a divorce. You always tell me I am fat.

Husband: Dont be crazy. What about our child ?

Wife: What ? What child ?

Husband: So you are not pregnant ??

A masked man goes to rob a sperm bank

He tells the girl at the front
"This is a robbery," the girl replies "sir we dont have much money, this is a sperm bank," the man says "I know, get two containers of sperm," the girl gets them and the man says "drink it,"
The girl all confused says "what?!"
The man says "do it or ill shoot you," all scared the girls drinks the container, then the man says "drink the other one," the girl again drinks it all, seeing both containers empty the man takes off his mask and says "See honey, that wasn't difficult"

3 Ducks Sitting at a Courthouse

The Judge calls up the first duck

Judge: "state your name and your offense."

Duck 1: "My name is Quack and I blew bubbles at the pond."

Judge: "okay 1 week community service and off you go."

Judge calls up the second duck

Judge: "State your name and your offense."

Duck 2: "My name is Quack Quack and I blew bubbles at the pond."

Judge: "okay, same sentence. Now, off you go."

Judge calls up the third duck

Judge: "Dont tell me your name is Quack Quack Quack and you blew bubbles at the pond too"

Duck 3: "Nope! My name is Bubbles."

I was on a plane and saw my freind jack

So i shouted hi jack
Still dont know why i was detained

So a blind man walks into a bar..

A blind man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Hey, do you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bartender replies "Look buddy, im blonde, and I am 200 pounds of pure muscle. The guy next to you is blond too, and he is 250 pounds, and the guy on the other side is also blonde, he is 300 pounds of bulk, are you still sure you want to tell that joke?"
The blind man replies "Never mind, I dont wanna have to repeat it 5 times."

The Government

Don't lie..
Don't cheat.
Dont steal.
Don't sell drugs.
Don't kill.

The Government Hates Competition

A blonde went to the electronic store and she asked..

A blonde went to the electronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"
The salesman said, "Sorry, we don"t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a brunette.
She asked the salesman how much the TV was.
He said, "Sorry, we don"t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was.
He said, "Sorry we don"t sell to blondes."
She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it's a microwave."

Why dont ambassadors get sick?

Diplomatic immunity

A bear walks into a bar

"Sorry we don't serve bears in here" the barman says

"But I'm a big brown bear"

"Sorry we don't serve big brown bears"

Bear is angry and hits the bar with his claw "give me a beer now!"

"Sorry we don't serve bar bashing big brown bears!"

The bear picks up a barstool and smashes it against the ground "I want a beer!"

"Sorry we don't serve barstool breaking bar bashing big brown bears here"

The bear is getting angry and takes a bite from the counter "Give me a beer!"

"Sorry we dont serve drug addicts here either"

The bear is confused "I've never touched a drug in my life!!"

"What about that barbiturate"

Why dont they allow harpoons in dolphin hospitals?

It defeats the porpoise

I was walking down the street when a homeless man asked me for a few dollars for food.

I pull $10 from my wallet and ask the man "if i give you this money will you buy beer with it?"

"No i had to give up drinking years ago" the man replied

"Will you use it to fish instead of buying food?" I asked

"No i dont waste time fishing" he replied " I have to use my time to try and stay alive"

"Will you use it to buy hunting equiptment i asked?"

"Are you NUTS? I havent been hunting in twenty years!!"

"Well" i said " instead of giving you the money im going to take you home and give you a nice hot bath, and a amazing dinner cooked by my wife"

The man, astounded asked " wont your wife be furious?"

I replied "dont worry about that. It's important for her to see what happens to a man when he stops hunting, fishing and drinking."

A black man walks into a restaurant

The waiter says: We dont serve black people here!

The black man responds: Thats okay, I don't eat them anyway.

Wanna get some blood!

One night at about 2:00am, 2 bats were hanging upside down, when one bat nudged the other bat's wing...'hey you wanna go and get some blood, a midnight snack?'
The other bat says...' now where the heck are we going to get blood at 2:00 in the morning?'
So the other bat says 'if you dont want to go, fine I'll go by myself'

About 30 minutes later the first bat came back with blood dripping out of his mouth, and all over his body.
The second bat says' hey where did you get all that blood?' and the first bat says 'see that tree over there?'
'Yeah' says the second bat...
'Well I didn't', said the first bat.

Why do sumo wrestlers shave?

Because they dont want to be confused with feminists.

The other day someone asked me what the capital of greece was....

My answer of "i dont know, about ten dollars?" was not acceptable.

Why dont they have Drivers Education and Sex Education class on the same day in Iran

Because it would kill the camel

The Bartender said: "Sorry we dont allow time travelers here"

A time traveler walks into a bar

First Experience after marriage

A Delhi mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married the same year, so she called them after the wedding and told them

Dont forget to text me your first night experience and text it in code

So……. after a week, the 1st daughter texted


and the next week the 2nd daughter text


the mother being an intelligent woman went to get a Nescafe tin and read the label

fantastic till the last drop

went to her husband's pack of WILLS cigarette and read
Extra long, king size

she smiled and said not bad for their ages .

After the next week, the 3rd daughter texted

Indigo Delhi Hyderabad ,

the mother then called Indigo airways helpdesk to enquire about their Delhi Hyderabad flight and they replied

it's 5times daily, 7days a week, both ways and the flight duration is 75mins .

Mother fainted

A man saw an unusual funeral procession

At the head of the procession was a man leading a labrador on a leash, following 2 slowly moving hearses. He cannot contain his curiosity and walks alongside the man at the head of the procession to offer his condolences.

"Sorry for your loss, who's in the hearse in front?"

"My wife"

"How did she die, if you dont mind my asking?"

"See this dog?" Says the bereaved man pointing to his labrador, It attacked and killed her."

"Dear me, who's in the second hearse?"

"My mother in law, she was trying to shield my wife from the dog and it attacked and killed her too."

They walk on for a little while longer in silence, when he asks

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

what do eggs benedict and a blow job have in common?

you dont get either at home.

So a man with a ski mask on...

...walks into a bank with a gun in hand. He runs up to the first teller and holds the gun up to her.
"This is a robbery! Gimme everything you got!"

"Bu...but sir i dont think you understand. This is a sperm bank" said the teller.

Obviously thrown off guard, the robber stands there baffled. After a few seconds, he holds the gun up to the teller again. "Okay, well.... grab a cup of ypur freshest sperm and put it on the counter."

"What?! I dont know if i...."

"Do it or i'll shoot you!"

She reaches into a nearby fridge, places the cup on the counter, and puts her hands back up.

"Now drink it!"

"Wha....what?! I dont..."


Frightened, the woman opens the cup and quickly drinks it.

The man drops his gun and takes his mask off. It's the tellers husband.
He smiles and walks up to her, "See? Now that wasn't so bad!"

My best friend invited me to join a threesome

I've never been one for Male, Male, female threesomes because it's basically gray sex with a witness. However, my best friend who has been my best friend all my life, told me he had this smokin' hot chick coming over who wanted another guy. Being my best friend I felt like I couldn't say no. I show up and we're going at it for well over 40 minutes. I look at my friend and say, "Dude, we've been going for a long time. I dont know how much longer I can go. When's the babe showing up?"


A husband forgot his wife's anniversary...

So a husband forgot that today was his anniversary, and naturally, his wife was upset and mad at him. The wife then gave him an ultimatum. "If I dont see something chrome plated that can go 0-100 in less than 5 seconds in the garage by tomorrow morning, the neighbors will see you walking away from this house with a large suitcase." The husband, worried, went away and thought to himself "what in the world could she possibly want..." He thought long and hard, and finally thought of something that would be perfect for her. In fact, it was exactly what she asked for! "How could this ever go wrong!" he thought to himself. The next day rolls around, and the husband takes his wife's hand to the garage. The wife, not seeing anything, asks "where is it?" The husband points at the floor, on which lay a chrome plated weighing scale.

I really want to kill my roommate

but I just dont know if I could live with myself.

Only Oral can Save Her

Courtesy of the great Norm Macdonald......

A man's wife goes into a coma.

The doctor says "Theres only one way of reviving your wife but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and have oral sex with her"

The man says"my god...."

Doctor says "I know I know, but I've seen it work"

The man says "ok doc, I'll try anything, I'm desperate"

He goes into his wifes room, closes the door behind him. He comes out five minutes later and says"Doc, I dont think it's working....she's choking"

What are the funniest dont jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Dont? Well, here are the best Dont puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Dont pick up lines to share with friends.

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