Dont Jokes
121 dont jokes and hilarious dont puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dont that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Dont Short Jokes
Short dont jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dont humour may include short insensitive jokes also.
- I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
- Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son? Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?
Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa - Mom, someone called me gangster at school today. Mom: Dont worry I'll go tomorrow and solve this problem
Son: Make sure it looks like an accident. - A man is watching tv and starts yelling "No! No! DONT GO IN THE CHURCH!!!" The wife from another room asks: "honey what are you watching?"
Husband: our wedding video - You know what would be a hilarious prank? Make people study for 18 years and dont give them a job.
- My doctor he dont help either, he told me to run 5 Miles a Day for two weeks I called him up I said "Doc im 70 miles from my house"
-Rodney Dangerfield - A man orders a pizza A man orders a pizza. The waiter asks him: "Do you want your pizza cut in six or eight Pieces?" The man replies: "Six, i dont think i can eat eight"
- What's the difference between a toilet and a sink? If you dont know you are not allowed at my house.
- A joke my 8 year old brother told me. G rating Why dont you take a pokemon to the bathroom.
Because it might pi-ka-chu - Whenever an ant gets injured, instead of helping, the rest of the colony just leaves it to die. It's like the old saying goes: If an ant broke, dont fix it
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Dont One Liners
Which dont one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dont? I can suggest the ones about anymore and tend.
- My parents treat me like a god. They dont believe in me.
- Cant make jokes about vacation to americans Cause they dont get it
- why dont atheists solve exponential equations ? they dont believe in higher powers.
- What's one thing you dont want to have while putting out a fire? Verizon Wireless.
- in mexico, we don't say "I love you" cause we dont speak english.
- I dont get why people are laughing in quarantine.. Must be an inside joke
- Remember alcohol and calculus dont mix So don't drink and derive
- My job is top secret Even i dont know what im doing
- I am not racist I dont care if you are black, yellow or normal.
- Stephen Hawking can be pretty funny sometimes, But I dont think he could do standup
- Why dont ambassadors get sick? Diplomatic immunity
- Why dont they allow harpoons in dolphin hospitals? It defeats the porpoise
- I dont often tell dad jokes Cause he's going deaf
- Ive tried lockpicking once i still dont know wich one to choose
- LPT: Dont buy French bread You will get nothing but Pain
Fun-Filled Dont Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about dont you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dont pranks.
John( talking to his counselor ): My wife just hired a young,handsome and muscular man to be our driver..
Counselor: So,you're jealous?
John: No,im just wondering?
Counselor: Wondering about what?
John: We dont have a car.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a blind man walks into a bar..
A blind man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Hey, do you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bartender replies "Look buddy, im blonde, and I am 200 pounds of pure muscle. The guy next to you is blond too, and he is 250 pounds, and the guy on the other side is also blonde, he is 300 pounds of bulk, are you still sure you want to tell that joke?"
The blind man replies "Never mind, I dont wanna have to repeat it 5 times."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
During s**... im like a high energy photon hitting the Earth's atmosphere...
I come fast and dont p**... very far! ... ayyyyy!
Dark Jokes?
What's worse than 18 dead babies in a bucket? 1 baby in 18 different buckets.
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies? I dont have a Ferrari in my Garage.
A few insurance workers are gathered at lunch when...
a wrinkly, old woman walks up. She approaches them with her hands behind her back and says to them, "If any of you can guess what is behind my back, you can sleep with me!"
The men all laugh before one man yells out, "I dont know. A fully grown alligator!"
The old woman shows a big smile and responds, "Close enough!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A soon-to-be-wed couple are snuggling in bed after s**... one night...
...The man suggests that they come clean about any straying that they may have done since they got together.
"It`s best to get this stuff out in the open before the wedding," he explains.
The woman replies, "Oh darling. Don`t you remember? We went through all this a month ago."
The man takes a deep breath and says, "Aah...yes...But that was a month ago..."
my psychiatrist just diagnosed me with schizophrenia..
was really worried until i remembered i dont have a psychiatrist lol
A man watches TV
Α man watches TV and start shouting :
Dont go, Dont do it...Dont do it...NOOOOOOO
His wife comes in and says : What are you watching there ?
And the man says : I was just watching our wedding on DVD
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I walked in the pub last night to see 2 big blokes in there 20s arm wrestling with a huge crowd cheering around them.
I walked over and said to them, "I could beat either of you two in arm wrestle, hands down."
"Dont make me laugh," one of them said. "You're about 60 years old."
"I may be," I replied. "But I'm also a v**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
what do eggs benedict and a b**... have in common?
you dont get either at home.
The Government
Don't lie..
Don't cheat.
Dont steal.
Don't sell drugs.
Don't kill.
The Government Hates Competition
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Granny's boyfriend
A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.
The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom b**... her boyfriend."
The new father
A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."
A young muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...
and starts crying. So one of the employees goes over to help: "Its ok, we'll find your mum for you. So, what does she look like?"
The kid replies "I dont know."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I dont have s**... on the first date
unless it's an option
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
why dont they have drivers ed and s**... ed on the same day in mexico?
it's too hard on the donkey
I asked my girlfriend if she could get me a newspaper
"Don`t be silly", she replied, "you can borrow my ipad".
That fly never knew what hit it.
I drank so much I blew Chunks
Jon : Oh Ted, I had a terrible night. I drank so much that when I got home, I blew chunks.
Ted: Hey, thats not so bad. At least you were in the comfort of your own home.
Jon: No, you dont understand. Chunks is my dog...
A plane just landed...
Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."
His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."
I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.
The other day someone asked me what the capital of greece was....
My answer of "i dont know, about ten dollars?" was not acceptable.
A police officer stops a driver...
A police officer stops a driver to give him a ticket. He looks at the guy's driver license and says, "This says here that you need to wear corrective lenses when you drive."
The guy replies, "I have contacts".
The cops says, "I dont care who you know you still need corrective lenses"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman walks into a police station and says "Help, Ive bee r**... by a consultant"
The policeman on duty says "Consultant? thats pretty specific. Do you know him?"
The woman replies "No I dont know him"
The policeman asks "Then how do you know he's a consultant?"
The woman answers "Because he kept his jacket on and made me do all the work"
divorce
Wife to husband: I want a divorce. You always tell me I am fat.
Husband: Dont be crazy. What about our child ?
Wife: What ? What child ?
Husband: So you are not pregnant ??
Overheard this in the train, not a joke per se, but I found it funny
>Two dudes were talking about moving to US so the first dude's child will have an American education.
Dude1: My wife and I were thinking that we should move to the US so our kid will have an American education?
Dude2: You dont want to do that.
Dude1: Why?
Dude2: You are telling me you want to send your child to a place where people cant tell the difference between a clock and a bomb?
My friend showed me a black computer he wanted to buy...
I said "Dont you mean an African American computer?" and he replied "Stop being so PC"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is in the hospital in a coma...
and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her c**..., her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes o**... s**... will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats the difference between a porsche and an e**...?
I dont have a porsche.
(Best told by whispering in someones ear.)
A friend is like a car
I dont have one
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
News from the s**... health clinic
A friend of mine received news from the s**... health clinic, he opened the letter and gleefully shouted "high five!". Relieved I took a look at the letter, dont know how I'm going to tell him that it's pronounced H.I.V
Boss hangs a poster in office
Boss hangs a poster in office
'I am the boss, dont forget'
He returns from lunch,
finds a slip on his desk,
'ur wife called, she wants her poster back home..!!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why dont you need birth controls when having s**... with British boys?
They are the earliest to pull out of eu.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My writer's block makes me want to kill myself
And I would, but I dont know how to start the s**... note.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today I had dinner with my boss and his wife
It was a complete disaster. The wife asked me "how many potatoes would you like?" and I said "I'll just have one". She said "it's alright, you dont have to be polite", and I said "alright then, I'll just have one you s**... cow".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I dont know why its called kidnapping,
Ive never got one of those little b**... to fall asleep
If men have man caves, why dont women have woman caves?
They do, we just universally named it the kitchen many years ago.
The trump family is flying from New York to DC
Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
Swimming
So i translated this Serbian joke (but i dont speak english good) hope that u will get it
Two friends are talking and one say :
-My mom married again, and my step-father is teaching me how to swim!
-So, how is it going?
-Nice! I already learned how to get myself out of the sack!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do sumo wrestlers shave?
Because they dont want to be confused with feminists.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a mouse on 2 legs
Friend "i dont know"
Me "mickey mouse"
Me "what do you call a duck on 2 legs"
Friend "donald duck"
Me " all ducks idiot"
My buddy performs circumcisions, and i was curious how much he got paid
"Oh we dont get paid, we just keep the tips"
2 spies in an interrogation room
The interrogator sat in front of them and asked for names.
Spy A says to the other
"Whatever you do, dont say a word"
A few seconds later Spy B said
"Fdugyop"
The Spy A looked at Spy B and said
"what did just say?"
Spy B replied
"Oh when we played scrabble you said '*thats not a word*' and NOW its a word"
Christmas!!!
Q: Why dont Chinese people believe in Santa Claus.
A: Cuz they make the gifts....
A joke I was told in school...
Dad : Johnny, why are you crying?
Johnny : I dreamed that the school burned down!
Dad : Dont worry, it was just a dream.
Johnny : Why do you think I'm crying!?
Tom and his buddy got drunk
Tom took it too far and puked on his shirt.
"Oh no! My wife will kill me she hates when i drink"
"Dont worry. Take this 20$ bill and tell her someone else puked on you and gave you the money for the cleaning."
So it was done.
Tom went home and his wife starts nagging and screaming to poor Tom.
"No honey someone puked on me and gave me 20 bucks for the cleaning. See?"
"And what is the second bill for?"
"Oh someone crapped in my pants too."
A Guy walks in an Irish Pub
I guy on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and says
"I hear you Irish can drink, I'll give a thousand bucks
to the guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in under 5 minutes"
Everyone is quiet but one of the Irishmen gets up and leaves.
In a few minutes the Irishmen walks back in and says
"Line me up 10 pints of Guinness" and he drinks them in 4 minutes flat.
As the guy is paying him the $1000 he asks the Irishmen
"If ya dont mind me askin, when you left earlier, where'd ya go"
The Irishmen says "I had to go to the pub next door
cuz I wanted to make sure I could do it"
Why dont anteaters get sick?
Because they are filled with anty bodies.
You know why people dont make "your dad" jokes?
Because they cant see him behind your mom.
Got this joke off of a yogurt pack... Why are football stadiums so windy?
'This is not labelled for individual sales'
I know, I dont get it either...
Minutes ago , my brother ran out of the room with tears in his eyes shouting : it is a boy , it is a boy !
Dont go to Thailand , my worst trip so far !
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
BIG ONES
My next door neighbor with the big t**... was gardening t**... today.
I dont mind, but I wish his wife would also
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dont be racist
Be like me. I like all races even the bad ones
A couple of good covid jokes I've heard
1. I dont know anything about Coronavirus other than if you have it; you get an undeniable urge to go the airport.
2. By the point most of the world has been exposed to covid 19, but the people in Wuhan got it right of the bat.
3. You know why I think coronavirus wont last for more than a year.
WHY?
coz it's made in China.
4. I dont think anyone saw a worldwide pandemic happening this year. I guess most people don't have 2020 vision.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hippies dont screw in lightbulbs, they screw in tents...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Short people dont 69
They just 'ea'
I dont even know what borrowing language is...
But I'll take your word for it.
What is the most tragic olympics story ?
A gymnast walks into a bar.
P.s. Pls dont kill me
I saw an advert in the paper Yacht for sale .
As if people dont know what a yacht is for.
Why dont people wear watches on their belts?
Because it would be a waist of time.
Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor(this is a joke in my native language idk how good it can be translated)
Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor.
At the 25th floor:
1st guy: T..th...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive
At the 50th floor:
1st guy:T..thi...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive we dont have time
At the 100th floor:
2nd guy: So what did u want to tell me?
1st guy:T..this is the wrong hotel
ill give you $80 to believe a lie, but if you dont believe it you have to pay me $20. ok, guy agrees.
Ive already paid you as $100 and am waiting for my change.
The Scotsman
A Scotsman was walking down the street in his traditional Scottish attire when he saw a couple of women talking and giggling,
As he approached one of the women asked " is it true the you dont wear anything under your kilt?"
"Aye, why dont you have a peek and find out for yourself"
So the woman lifted his kilt just enough to see his "business" and said "oh thats gruesome"
The Scotsman replied "I think if you'll check again, you'll see its grew some more"
First post, heard this in a song recently, got a good chuckle from it personally
I think it helps to read with a Scottish accent
I went to go dontate blood yesterday...
...but the phlebotomist said they could not take my blood because there was a Type-O on my donor card.
