Dont Jokes
123 dont jokes and hilarious dont puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dont that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Dont Short Jokes
Short dont jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dont humour may include short insensitive jokes also.
- I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
- Dont challange Death to a pillow fight ...Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.
- How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? One. We are efficient and dont have humour.
- Whats the difference between an al qaeda training camp and a school? I dont know, I just fly the drones.
- Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son? Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?
Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa - Mom, someone called me gangster at school today. Mom: Dont worry I'll go tomorrow and solve this problem
Son: Make sure it looks like an accident. - A man is watching tv and starts yelling "No! No! DONT GO IN THE CHURCH!!!" The wife from another room asks: "honey what are you watching?"
Husband: our wedding video - You know what would be a hilarious prank? Make people study for 18 years and dont give them a job.
- The other night I superglued my thumb and forefinger together... Dont worry, everything is ok
- What do you call a mouse on 2 legs Friend "i dont know"
Me "mickey mouse"
Me "what do you call a duck on 2 legs"
Friend "donald duck"
Me " all ducks idiot"
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Dont One Liners
Which dont one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dont? I can suggest the ones about anymore and tend.
- My parents treat me like a god. They dont believe in me.
- Cant make jokes about vacation to americans Cause they dont get it
- why dont atheists solve exponential equations ? they dont believe in higher powers.
- What's one thing you dont want to have while putting out a fire? Verizon Wireless.
- in mexico, we don't say "I love you" cause we dont speak english.
- I dont usually tell dad jokes But when I do, he usually laughs
- Mommy mommy I dont wanna see grandma! Mom: Shut up and keep digging.
- Why dont foot fetishists win races? Because they love the smell of defeat.
- I dont get why people are laughing in quarantine.. Must be an inside joke
- Remember alcohol and calculus dont mix So don't drink and derive
- My job is top secret Even i dont know what im doing
- Why dont witches wear underwear? So they can get a good grip on the broomstick
- I am not racist I dont care if you are black, yellow or normal.
- I usually dont get school shooting jokes. Typically they are aimed at a younger audience.
- Stephen Hawking can be pretty funny sometimes, But I dont think he could do standup
Fun-Filled Dont Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about dont you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dont pranks.
As a child my parents used to tell me about the Easter Bunny, tooth fairy and Santa
I dont believe in those stories anymore, thank GOD
So a blind man walks into a bar..
A blind man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Hey, do you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bartender replies "Look buddy, im blonde, and I am 200 pounds of pure muscle. The guy next to you is blond too, and he is 250 pounds, and the guy on the other side is also blonde, he is 300 pounds of bulk, are you still sure you want to tell that joke?"
The blind man replies "Never mind, I dont wanna have to repeat it 5 times."
Why do java developers always wear eyeglasses?
Because they dont C#
During s**... im like a high energy photon hitting the Earth's atmosphere...
I come fast and dont p**... very far! ... ayyyyy!
A soon-to-be-wed couple are snuggling in bed after s**... one night...
...The man suggests that they come clean about any straying that they may have done since they got together.
"It`s best to get this stuff out in the open before the wedding," he explains.
The woman replies, "Oh darling. Don`t you remember? We went through all this a month ago."
The man takes a deep breath and says, "Aah...yes...But that was a month ago..."
my psychiatrist just diagnosed me with schizophrenia..
was really worried until i remembered i dont have a psychiatrist lol
A man watches TV
Α man watches TV and start shouting :
Dont go, Dont do it...Dont do it...NOOOOOOO
His wife comes in and says : What are you watching there ?
And the man says : I was just watching our wedding on DVD
what do eggs benedict and a b**... have in common?
you dont get either at home.
The Government
Don't lie..
Don't cheat.
Dont steal.
Don't sell drugs.
Don't kill.
The Government Hates Competition
Granny's boyfriend
A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.
The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom b**... her boyfriend."
The new father
A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."
s**... is like playing cards..
if you dont have a good partner you better have a good hand.
A joke my 8 year old brother told me. G rating
Why dont you take a pokemon to the bathroom.
Because it might pi-ka-chu
A young muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...
and starts crying. So one of the employees goes over to help: "Its ok, we'll find your mum for you. So, what does she look like?"
The kid replies "I dont know."
I asked my girlfriend if she could get me a newspaper
"Don`t be silly", she replied, "you can borrow my ipad".
That fly never knew what hit it.
A black man walks into a restaurant
The waiter says: We dont serve black people here!
The black man responds: Thats okay, I don't eat them anyway.
A plane just landed...
Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."
His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."
I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.
Why dont they have Drivers Education and s**... Education class on the same day in Iran
Because it would kill the camel
A man orders a pizza
A man orders a pizza. The waiter asks him: "Do you want your pizza cut in six or eight Pieces?" The man replies: "Six, i dont think i can eat eight"
The other day someone asked me what the capital of greece was....
My answer of "i dont know, about ten dollars?" was not acceptable.
A police officer stops a driver...
A police officer stops a driver to give him a ticket. He looks at the guy's driver license and says, "This says here that you need to wear corrective lenses when you drive."
The guy replies, "I have contacts".
The cops says, "I dont care who you know you still need corrective lenses"
Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.
Son: Well would you talk to someone who is s**..., uses drugs and is an alchocolic?
Mom: Of course not.
Son: Well neither would he.
divorce
Wife to husband: I want a divorce. You always tell me I am fat.
Husband: Dont be crazy. What about our child ?
Wife: What ? What child ?
Husband: So you are not pregnant ??
Overheard this in the train, not a joke per se, but I found it funny
>Two dudes were talking about moving to US so the first dude's child will have an American education.
Dude1: My wife and I were thinking that we should move to the US so our kid will have an American education?
Dude2: You dont want to do that.
Dude1: Why?
Dude2: You are telling me you want to send your child to a place where people cant tell the difference between a clock and a bomb?
A physicist notices a man about to jump of a really tall building, he yells:
DONT JUMP YOU HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL
A woman is in the hospital in a coma...
and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her c**..., her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes o**... s**... will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
How many racists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Racists dont like to be enlightened.
Mathematicians in a bar
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a pint, the second a half a pint, the third 1/4 pint, the fourth 1/8... the bartender gets impatient, gives the whole group 2 pints and says "you guys dont know your limits..."
Whats the difference between a porsche and an e**...?
I dont have a porsche.
(Best told by whispering in someones ear.)
News from the s**... health clinic
A friend of mine received news from the s**... health clinic, he opened the letter and gleefully shouted "high five!". Relieved I took a look at the letter, dont know how I'm going to tell him that it's pronounced H.I.V
So I ask my local librarian...
If she had books on Pavlovs dog and Schrodingers cat. She said they rang a bell but dont know if they are there or not.
Why dont you need birth controls when having s**... with British boys?
They are the earliest to pull out of eu.
why dont jewish people like getting made fun of?
Because millions of them already got roasted
I really want to kill my roommate
but I just dont know if I could live with myself.
Today I had dinner with my boss and his wife
It was a complete disaster. The wife asked me "how many potatoes would you like?" and I said "I'll just have one". She said "it's alright, you dont have to be polite", and I said "alright then, I'll just have one you s**... cow".
Why dont witches wear p**...?
So they can grip the broom.
My drug dealer got me shoes for Christmas
I dont know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping ever since
I dont know why its called kidnapping,
Ive never got one of those little b**... to fall asleep
The trump family is flying from New York to DC
Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
Why do sumo wrestlers shave?
Because they dont want to be confused with feminists.
Whats the difference between an ISIS stronghold and a syrian school?
I dont know, i just fly the drone.
I was on a plane and saw my freind jack
So i shouted hi jack
Still dont know why i was detained
Why dont they allow harpoons in dolphin hospitals?
It defeats the porpoise
A new study showed that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I dont remember the last time I ate a monkey.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer today...
I dont know what he laced them with but i have been tripping like crazy
Only o**... can Save Her
A man's wife goes into a coma.
The doctor says "Theres only one way of reviving your wife but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and have o**... s**... with her"
The man says"my god...."
Doctor says "I know I know, but I've seen it work"
The man says "ok doc, I'll try anything, I'm desperate"
He goes into his wifes room, closes the door behind him. He comes out five minutes later and says"Doc, I dont think it's working....she's choking"
2 spies in an interrogation room
The interrogator sat in front of them and asked for names.
Spy A says to the other
"Whatever you do, dont say a word"
A few seconds later Spy B said
"Fdugyop"
The Spy A looked at Spy B and said
"what did just say?"
Spy B replied
"Oh when we played scrabble you said '*thats not a word*' and NOW its a word"
The Bartender said: "Sorry we dont allow time travelers here"
A time traveler walks into a bar
A Guy walks in an Irish Pub
I guy on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and says
"I hear you Irish can drink, I'll give a thousand bucks
to the guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in under 5 minutes"
Everyone is quiet but one of the Irishmen gets up and leaves.
In a few minutes the Irishmen walks back in and says
"Line me up 10 pints of Guinness" and he drinks them in 4 minutes flat.
As the guy is paying him the $1000 he asks the Irishmen
"If ya dont mind me askin, when you left earlier, where'd ya go"
The Irishmen says "I had to go to the pub next door
cuz I wanted to make sure I could do it"
Why dont ambassadors get sick?
Diplomatic immunity
What's more Irish than potatoes?
Not having potatoes
_(Dont know who came up with this joke but I love it)_
I dont get it
If someone donates 1 kindey, they're hailed a hero, but I donate 5 and get arrested!?
Got this joke off of a yogurt pack... Why are football stadiums so windy?
'This is not labelled for individual sales'
I know, I dont get it either...
A state trooper pulls over a elderly lady
The state trooper approaches the car, and asks the elderly lady if she knows why he pulled her over. The elderly lady said of course i do, you wanted to give me a personal invitation to the state troopers ball the state trooper replied uh ma'am. State troopers dont have b**.... He stood there for a second, tipped his hat, and walked back to his car.
"Dad, I lost my virginity today!"
Dad: "Congrats son! Come, sit down and have a beer!"
Son: "I would sure love a beer, but I dont think I can sit down just yet."
whats the difference between dubai and abu dabi?
people in dubai dont like the flinstones but people in abudabidoo
A little girl walks into a pet store...
A little girl walks into a pet store and approaches the clerk. "Im looking for a wabbit" she says.
The clerk, taken aback by how adorable this girl is, asks "Aww, well would you like a white wabbit, or a brown wabbit?"
The little girl replies "I dont think my python gives a thit"
I dont understand why they say cancer is so hard to beat
I'm already on stage 4
There are three skunks. Mama, In, and Out.
In always stays inside, and Out always stays outside.
One day In went out and Out went in.
Mama soon called for the boys, but only Out came.
"Go find your brother." she ordered.
Out came back with In in less than five minutes.
"How did you do it so fast?" Mama asked.
Out simply replied, "Instincts."
(if you dont get it, read it aloud.)
Dont be racist
Be like me. I like all races even the bad ones
Whenever an ant gets injured, instead of helping, the rest of the colony just leaves it to die. It's like the old saying goes:
If an ant broke, dont fix it
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar with a gun and said
"Which one of you slept with my wife?"
and a guy in the back stands up and says
"Put it down man. You dont have enough bullets."
