The Best 93 Dont Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Dont jokes. There are some dont gona jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these dont dogs dont tell puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Dont Jokes and Puns
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
So a blind man walks into a bar..
A blind man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Hey, do you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bartender replies "Look buddy, im blonde, and I am 200 pounds of pure muscle. The guy next to you is blond too, and he is 250 pounds, and the guy on the other side is also blonde, he is 300 pounds of bulk, are you still sure you want to tell that joke?"
The blind man replies "Never mind, I dont wanna have to repeat it 5 times."
Why do java developers always wear eyeglasses?
Because they dont C#
During sex im like a high energy photon hitting the Earth's atmosphere...
I come fast and dont penetrate very far! ... ayyyyy!
A soon-to-be-wed couple are snuggling in bed after sex one night...
...The man suggests that they come clean about any straying that they may have done since they got together.
"It`s best to get this stuff out in the open before the wedding," he explains.
The woman replies, "Oh darling. Don`t you remember? We went through all this a month ago."
The man takes a deep breath and says, "Aah...yes...But that was a month ago..."
my psychiatrist just diagnosed me with schizophrenia..
was really worried until i remembered i dont have a psychiatrist lol
A man watches TV
Ξ man watches TV and start shouting :
Dont go, Dont do it...Dont do it...NOOOOOOO
His wife comes in and says : What are you watching there ?
And the man says : I was just watching our wedding on DVD
The Government
Don't lie..
Don't cheat.
Dont steal.
Don't sell drugs.
Don't kill.
The Government Hates Competition
Granny's boyfriend
A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.
The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend."
Whats the difference between an al qaeda training camp and a school?
I dont know, I just fly the drones.
The new father
A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."
You can explore dont didnt reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean dont gonna dad jokes. There are also dont puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Sex is like playing cards..
if you dont have a good partner you better have a good hand.
A joke my 8 year old brother told me. G rating
Why dont you take a pokemon to the bathroom.
Because it might pi-ka-chu
A young muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...
and starts crying. So one of the employees goes over to help: "Its ok, we'll find your mum for you. So, what does she look like?"
The kid replies "I dont know."
why dont atheists solve exponential equations ?
they dont believe in higher powers.
I asked my girlfriend if she could get me a newspaper
"Don`t be silly", she replied, "you can borrow my ipad".
That fly never knew what hit it.
A black man walks into a restaurant
The waiter says: We dont serve black people here!
The black man responds: Thats okay, I don't eat them anyway.
A plane just landed...
Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."
His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."
I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.
A man orders a pizza
A man orders a pizza. The waiter asks him: "Do you want your pizza cut in six or eight Pieces?" The man replies: "Six, i dont think i can eat eight"
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. We are efficient and dont have humour.
A police officer stops a driver...
A police officer stops a driver to give him a ticket. He looks at the guy's driver license and says, "This says here that you need to wear corrective lenses when you drive."
The guy replies, "I have contacts".
The cops says, "I dont care who you know you still need corrective lenses"
Why dont witches wear underwear?
So they can get a good grip on the broomstick
Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.
Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alchocolic?
Mom: Of course not.
Son: Well neither would he.
divorce
Wife to husband: I want a divorce. You always tell me I am fat.
Husband: Dont be crazy. What about our child ?
Wife: What ? What child ?
Husband: So you are not pregnant ??
Overheard this in the train, not a joke per se, but I found it funny
>Two dudes were talking about moving to US so the first dude's child will have an American education.
Dude1: My wife and I were thinking that we should move to the US so our kid will have an American education?
Dude2: You dont want to do that.
Dude1: Why?
Dude2: You are telling me you want to send your child to a place where people cant tell the difference between a clock and a bomb?
A physicist notices a man about to jump of a really tall building, he yells:
DONT JUMP YOU HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL
A woman is in the hospital in a coma...
and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
How many racists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Racists dont like to be enlightened.
Mathematicians in a bar
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a pint, the second a half a pint, the third 1/4 pint, the fourth 1/8... the bartender gets impatient, gives the whole group 2 pints and says "you guys dont know your limits..."
Whats the difference between a porsche and an erection?
I dont have a porsche.
(Best told by whispering in someones ear.)
News from the sexual health clinic
A friend of mine received news from the sexual health clinic, he opened the letter and gleefully shouted "high five!". Relieved I took a look at the letter, dont know how I'm going to tell him that it's pronounced H.I.V
So I ask my local librarian...
If she had books on Pavlovs dog and Schrodingers cat. She said they rang a bell but dont know if they are there or not.
Why dont you need birth controls when having sex with British boys?
They are the earliest to pull out of eu.
in mexico, we don't say "I love you"
cause we dont speak english.
why dont jewish people like getting made fun of?
Because millions of them already got roasted
You know what would be a hilarious prank?
Make people study for 18 years and dont give them a job.
Remember alcohol and calculus dont mix
So don't drink and derive
Today I had dinner with my boss and his wife
It was a complete disaster. The wife asked me "how many potatoes would you like?" and I said "I'll just have one". She said "it's alright, you dont have to be polite", and I said "alright then, I'll just have one you stupid cow".
Why dont witches wear panties?
So they can grip the broom.
My drug dealer got me shoes for Christmas
I dont know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping ever since
Mommy mommy I dont wanna see grandma!
Mom: Shut up and keep digging.
Stephen Hawking can be pretty funny sometimes,
But I dont think he could do standup
I dont know why its called kidnapping,
Ive never got one of those little bastards to fall asleep
My job is top secret
Even i dont know what im doing
Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?
Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?
Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa
The trump family is flying from New York to DC
Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
A man is watching tv and starts yelling "No! No! DONT GO IN THE CHURCH!!!"
The wife from another room asks: "honey what are you watching?"
Husband: our wedding video
My parents treat me like a god.
They dont believe in me.
Why do sumo wrestlers shave?
Because they dont want to be confused with feminists.
Whats the difference between an ISIS stronghold and a syrian school?
I dont know, i just fly the drone.
Mom, someone called me gangster at school today.
Mom: Dont worry I'll go tomorrow and solve this problem
Son: Make sure it looks like an accident.
I was on a plane and saw my freind jack
So i shouted hi jack
Still dont know why i was detained
What do you call a mouse on 2 legs
Friend "i dont know"
Me "mickey mouse"
Me "what do you call a duck on 2 legs"
Friend "donald duck"
Me " all ducks idiot"
Why dont they allow harpoons in dolphin hospitals?
It defeats the porpoise
A new study showed that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I dont remember the last time I ate a monkey.
I am not racist
I dont care if you are black, yellow or normal.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer today...
I dont know what he laced them with but i have been tripping like crazy
The other night I superglued my thumb and forefinger together...
Dont worry, everything is ok
Only Oral can Save Her
A man's wife goes into a coma.
The doctor says "Theres only one way of reviving your wife but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and have oral sex with her"
The man says"my god...."
Doctor says "I know I know, but I've seen it work"
The man says "ok doc, I'll try anything, I'm desperate"
He goes into his wifes room, closes the door behind him. He comes out five minutes later and says"Doc, I dont think it's working....she's choking"
2 spies in an interrogation room
The interrogator sat in front of them and asked for names.
Spy A says to the other
"Whatever you do, dont say a word"
A few seconds later Spy B said
"Fdugyop"
The Spy A looked at Spy B and said
"what did just say?"
Spy B replied
"Oh when we played scrabble you said '*thats not a word*' and NOW its a word"
What's one thing you dont want to have while putting out a fire?
Verizon Wireless.
A Guy walks in an Irish Pub
I guy on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and says
"I hear you Irish can drink, I'll give a thousand bucks
to the guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in under 5 minutes"
Everyone is quiet but one of the Irishmen gets up and leaves.
In a few minutes the Irishmen walks back in and says
"Line me up 10 pints of Guinness" and he drinks them in 4 minutes flat.
As the guy is paying him the $1000 he asks the Irishmen
"If ya dont mind me askin, when you left earlier, where'd ya go"
The Irishmen says "I had to go to the pub next door
cuz I wanted to make sure I could do it"
Why dont ambassadors get sick?
Diplomatic immunity
What's more Irish than potatoes?
Not having potatoes
_(Dont know who came up with this joke but I love it)_
Dont challange Death to a pillow fight
...Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.
I dont get it
If someone donates 1 kindey, they're hailed a hero, but I donate 5 and get arrested!?
Got this joke off of a yogurt pack... Why are football stadiums so windy?
'This is not labelled for individual sales'
I know, I dont get it either...
A state trooper pulls over a elderly lady
The state trooper approaches the car, and asks the elderly lady if she knows why he pulled her over. The elderly lady said of course i do, you wanted to give me a personal invitation to the state troopers ball the state trooper replied uh ma'am. State troopers dont have balls. He stood there for a second, tipped his hat, and walked back to his car.
"Dad, I lost my virginity today!"
Dad: "Congrats son! Come, sit down and have a beer!"
Son: "I would sure love a beer, but I dont think I can sit down just yet."
whats the difference between dubai and abu dabi?
people in dubai dont like the flinstones but people in abudabidoo
I dont understand why they say cancer is so hard to beat
I'm already on stage 4
Dont be racist
Be like me. I like all races even the bad ones
Whenever an ant gets injured, instead of helping, the rest of the colony just leaves it to die. It's like the old saying goes:
If an ant broke, dont fix it
I usually dont get school shooting jokes.
Typically they are aimed at a younger audience.
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar with a gun and said
"Which one of you slept with my wife?"
and a guy in the back stands up and saysΒ
"Put it down man. You dont have enough bullets."
Why dont you ever see beggers over 65?
Because old people hate change
I dont usually tell dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
I dont get why people are laughing in quarantine..
Must be an inside joke
Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor(this is a joke in my native language idk how good it can be translated)
Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor.
At the 25th floor:
1st guy: T..th...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive
At the 50th floor:
1st guy:T..thi...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive we dont have time
At the 100th floor:
2nd guy: So what did u want to tell me?
1st guy:T..this is the wrong hotel
Nothing is built in the USA anymore...
Just bought a new TV...says "Built in Antennae"
Hell, I dont even know where that is....
Archeologists have just discovered the oldest known tampon.
They just dont know what period it's from.
A man goes to the doctor
After a few tests he says
"Doc, I'm not feeling too good about my future health"
The doctor says
"I would seem so, Mercury is in Uranus after all"
The man scoffs,
"No offence doc, but I dont believe in astrology"
"Neither do I" answers the doctor, "My thermometer broke"
Dont see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.
If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too though.
Cant make jokes about vacation to americans
Cause they dont get it
My wife told me to take off her shirt
I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt off. "Take off my shoes" I took off her shoes. "Now my stockings, bra, and panties!" I took all of them off. Then she looks at me and said, "I dont want to catch you wearing my things ever again!"
Why the people dress so clean in Columbia ?
because thereΒ΄ s someone always Washing a ton
(please dont kill me, engl 2nd languaje):
I was telling dad about the Nintendo wii
How people have launched the wii control across the room accidentally. Dad responded " guess they dont have bladder control".
Cheers
Asked my 2 and half year old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He said "Taller."
I dont know if this counts as a dad joke, but it was one of his first jokes hes ever made where I chuckled and I had never heard it before!
Why dont Vegetarians ever get to eat any pudding?
If they dont eat their meat, they cant have their pudding.
"Dont Touch"
Must be the scariest thing a blind person can read in Braille.
Dad joke #1
**I used to be really scared of campfires when we went camping.**
**Dont worry, after a while, i warmed up to them.**
I really dont like the number 144
Its a Gross
I ordered a beer at a restaurant that was served with an orange slice.
I told the server "i dont always put an orange in my beer, just once in a Blue Moon.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the dont son dont look jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working dont wouldnt piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.