Bob's having a beer in a bar, as you do. Another guy walks in and the barman shouts 'hey here's donkey' and everyone laughs. Bob being a decent bloke goes up to the guy now sitting alone in the corner and asks 'hey mate why does he call you donkey'. Guy replies 'I don't know .....he haw, he haw, he hawlways calls me that.
That's my first and now probably last post
The waiter asks them what the discussion was about?
Terrorist :- We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey..
Waiter :- Why a donkey?
Then one terrorist says to the other,
"See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people
When they enter they see a small stage with a donkey standing on top of it. One man asks the bar owner:
"Why is there a donkey on your stage?" The Bar owner replies, "I'm willing to give any man $200 to make that donkey laugh"
The man thinks for a second, goes to the stage and whispers into the donkey's ear. Instantly the donkey bursts into laughter, and laughs all night long even after the friends leave.
A week later the friends come back to the bar and the donkey is still laughing uncontrollably. The bar owner runs up and asks:
"Hey buddy, what the hell did you say to that donkey? He is still laughing. I'll tell you what, you can have $200 dollars to make him cry."
The man walks on stage, takes the donkey behind the stage and when he brings the donkey back, the donkey is bawling. Crying like never before. The bar owner gives up $200 and asks: "You've got to tell how you made him laugh." The man says, "Well I told him I have a bigger penis than him." The bar owner replies, "Fair enough, how'd you make him cry?"
The man then says: "I proved it."
Two terrorists having discussion in a bar. The waiter asks them what the discussion was about? Terrorist :- We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey.. Waiter :- Why a donkey? Then one terrorist says to the other, "See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people".
Goes up to the bartender and says "you see that there donkey, I bet you 1 beer pitcher I can make him laugh" Bartender looks at the poor animal and says "sure you're on". Guy walks up to donkey, leans into his ear and whispers something. Donkey looks up at him and starts cracking up. An hour later he goes to the bartender again and says "you see that there donkey, I bet you I can make him cry". Bartender thinks about it and says "you're on". Guy walks up to donkey turns his back to the bartender and suddenly the donkey is crying. Flabbergasted the bartender says I'll give you the beer but you have to tell me how you did it. Guy looks at the bartender and says " first time I went up to him and told him I have a bigger dick than him. Second time I showed him"
He studies the fancy menu for a moment, then decides on the 'Half Roast Donkey'.
Having never tried this before, and being quite a large gentleman, he slams his fist on the bar and shouts, "Full Roast Donkey, NOW!"
"No", says the barman, "I can't serve an ass whole."
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey following him and hops up on the bar stool, followed by his monkey. He orders a drink for him and the monkey, and the monkey reaches over for the basket of peanuts. Monkey picks up a peanut, looks at it intently, sticks it up his butt, takes it out and eats it.
The bartender looks at the monkey, horrified at what it just did, and then to the man who showed no reaction at all. The bartender shrugs it off.
A little while passes and the guy goes to the candy machine and comes big with a handful of jelly beans for the monkey. The monkey takes each one, carefully inspects it, sticks it up his butt, removes it, then eats it. Finally the bartender looks at the guy and say 'Alright you've got to tell me what's wrong with him.' The man responds, 'He swallowed a cue ball last week and now he's making sure everything he eats will fit.'
Extra:
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says 'Amazing! Where did you get that?!' The parrot responds 'Africa!'
The worst thing about being told you have Alzheimer's is it doesn't just happen once. (Courtesy of Jimmy Carr)
What do you call a 3-legged donkey? Glue. (Jimmy Carr)
Two terrorists having discussion in a bar.
The waiter asks them what the discussion was about?
Terrorist :- We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey..
Waiter :- Why a donkey?
Then one terrorist says to the other,
"See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people".
"What's with the donkey?" the man asks the bartender.
-"Oh, there's this going bet, if you make the donkey laugh you get $500 cash prize"
"What?" the man asks. "that's ridiculous!"
But figuring he could use the cash, the man decides to give it a shot and try to make the donkey laugh.
He walks over to the donkey and whispers something in the donkey's ear that immediately starts him into a long, loud laugh.
"Shut that donkey up! the bartender exclaimed. "The other patrons are complaining of the noise!"
The man nods his head in oblige and quickly rushes the donkey to the bathroom.
A few seconds later the man comes out with the donkey: this time crying over the man's shoulder.
"What happened?" the bartender asks, "Why is the donkey crying?"
The man sits the donkey down and proceeds to explain to the bartender what had happened:
"When you told me I could get $500 for making the donkey laugh, I whispered in his ear that my dick was bigger than his and he started laughing. Then you told me to shut him up so I took him to the bathroom and showed him."
EDIT 1: TYPO
The waiter grows suspicious...
Waiter : What are you talking about?
Jafar : We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey..
Waiter : Why a donkey?
Steve : See!? I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people.
The bartender asks them what the discussion was about.
Terrorist: "We are planning to massacre 50,000 people and a donkey."
Bartender: "Why a donkey?"
Then one terrorist says to the other:
"See, I told you nobody would care about the 50,000 people."
The bartender asks them what their discussion was about.
Terrorist 1: We're planning to kill 14,000 people and a donkey.
Bartender: Why a donkey?
Terrorist 2: See? I told you no one would care about the 14,000 people.
and sees a sign behind the bartender....Ïf you can make my ass laugh, you win $100 bucks.
The man asks the bartender the rules, and he says "Ït's simple..you just go into the backroom, and if you can make my donkey laugh, you win!" 30 seconds later, the donkey is laughing his ass off! Collecting his $100 bucks, he orders a few drinks and leaves.
Next day, the man returns, and again makes the donkey laugh, and collects his money.
He comes back the 3rd day, and this time the sign has changed
Ïf you can make my ass cry, win $500 bucks! The man proceeds to the backroom, and makes the donkey cry quickly. Before he can collect his money, the bartender insists that he tell him how he did it.
"Well, the first 2 times I told your ass that my dick was bigger than his, and the 3rd time I proved it."
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and tells the bartender to get him a drink. While the bartender gets him a drink the guy notices a sign up that had a picture of a donkey and said "contest: $50 reward. ask bartender for details" The bartender gets back and the guy asks him about the contest. The bartender tells him, "we have a donkey in that room back there. I will give you $50 if you can make him laugh. But nobody has ever been able to do it." The guy, who has a few drinks in him at this point, accepts the challenge. He goes in the room and less than a minute later walks out and the sound of the donkey laughing echoed through the room. The bartender is amazed. Desperately, he tells the guy, "ok double or nothing. $100 dollars if you can make him cry." Once again the guy accepts the challenge. He walks in the room and a minute later walks out and everyone can hear the donkey crying. The bartender gives him his money and says, "i have to know how you did it." The guy tells him, "well to make him laugh i told him my dick was bigger than his. To make him cry i showed him."
No wait..... It was a donkey
.A horse came into a donkey.
The waiter asks them what the discussion was about?
* **Terrorist:** : We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey
* **Waiter** : Why a donkey?
Then one terrorist says to the other, "See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people".
A man walks into a bar and sees a donkey. He reads a notice that says make the donkey laugh and win free drinks for the day. The man walks up whispers something to the donkey it looks at him and bursts out laughing. He claims his free drinks and leaves. 2 weeks later the man returns to the bar and reads a new notice make the donkey cry and win free drinks for the day. The man walks across and shows the donkey something and it bursts into tears. The bar tender congratulates the man but asks " how did you make it laugh and then cry". The man replies "easy, to make it laugh i said i had a bigger dick than he did". "But how did you make it cry?". "I showed it to him!"
He sees a sign that reads "Free drinks if you can make the donkey laugh". He asks the bartender about it who directs him out back.
A minute later the guy comes back and says "okay where are my free drinks?" The bartender goes out back to check, and sure enough the donkey is rolling around and laughing hysterically .
The next day the guy comes back and the sign now reads "Free drinks if you can make the donkey cry". So he heads out back and comes back a minute later demanding his free drinks.
The bartender goes to check and sure enough, the donkey is lying on the ground and crying uncontrollably. So he goes back inside to give the guy his drinks.
The bartender says to the guy "Hey man, I gotta know, how did you make the donkey laugh?" He says "Easy, I just told him I have a bigger dick than he does" So the Bartender asks "Okay, well how did you make him cry?" He replies "I showed him"
A donkey walks into a bar.
"Where's the horse?" asks the barman.
"Recession," says the donkey.
The bartender says "get your black ass outta here."
The bartender said nope... fuck this shit and walked out.
A regular walks into his bar with a donkey and a deer. The bartender asks him "Who are your friends?"
"Sorry," he replies, "this is Ass and Hine."
Its not a joke, it really happened in Melbourne not that long ago
The bartender asked awhy the long ass face?
The bartender said why the long ass face?
A donkey and a bartender go into a lion.
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