Following is our collection of ivanka puns and presidency one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Donald Trump jokes for adults, dirty gop jokes and clean melania dad gags for kids.
"Mister President, we've been over this..."
One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.
Trump says, Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?
The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.
But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
But that's comparing apples to oranges.
I would say that they both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs, but I shouldn't compare apples to oranges.
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:
370HSSV - 0773H
Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI
No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help.
Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply:
"Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."
The United States of America.
That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.
They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.
The Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans!
The biggest winner is Melania Trump. She can now call herself The First Lady instead of The Third Wife.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.
The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.
Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.
He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."
Trump 20:16
George Washington couldn't tell a lie.
Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth.
Donald Trump can't tell the difference
As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?
The clerk said, Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!
The man said, Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?
I did and we do.
Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck"
The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."
Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"
The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"
...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.
That is the joke. There's no punchline here.
So he can determine how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump.
...he never lets anybody finish a sentence.
They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.
The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.
and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.
"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.
"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."
>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.**
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.**
**It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!**
**Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!**
**By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"**
**His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."**
This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.
Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."
They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.
Because orange is the new black.
As an idiot myself, it's very offensive that people think he's one of us.
After all, if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I'd date her too.
But he's doing more than anyone else in the world to stop Donald Trump from being elected president.
But i shouldn't compare apples and oranges.
The Pope says to Trump, Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!
Trump replies, I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!
So the Pope slapped him.
"EVEN THOUGH HE'S DEAD, HE'S STILL LYING!"
......
and set it lower
Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.
One gets made fun of for the color of his skin, and the other is Barack Obama!
I would tell you....
But I don't compare apples to oranges.
Pence says, "The fewer".
Trump says, "I told you not to call me that yet."
Alcohol sales have never been higher.
He can't even handle 60 minutes.
He's easy to roast, a little orange on top, catches fire easily, and will melt down when he gets under too much heat.
Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd
Dear God,
Last week, you took my favorite boxer; Muhammed Ali.
Today, you took my favorite hockey player; Gordie Howe.
I just want to let you know that my favorite candidate is Donald Trump.
Every time Donald Trump is elected President, we all drink and just never stop.
It's going to take a lot of people to clean up this mess.
It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.
A schoolboy walking home from school see Donald Trump* drowning in a pond. He dives him and saves him.
The president is very grateful and offers him a gift as a reward.
"All I want is a wheelchair" says the boy.
A wheelchair? Why do you need a wheelchair? the president asks.
Well, the boy explains, when my old man finds out I rescued you from drowning, he's gonna break both my legs.
*(
Because he knows one of his supporters would never shoot him
His aide said, "So what do think are some good ways to prevent it?"
Trump replied, "Prevent it?"
I'm sure they'll soon get over it
It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.
*credits to Snoop Dogg @ Donald Trump roast*
When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke.
When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.
Society
It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.
The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.
Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hung for his crimes.
Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.
Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the crowd?
"Aren't you worried about dying?" A voice asks.
Trump shrugs his shoulders as he smiles again and shakes his head for the last time.
He replies: "Fake noose."
Trump remarks,"Bill, together you and I are worth $80 billion."
Bill Gates says,"But I'm worth 90 billion."
Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.
Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, "Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a hell-hole, so it's a local call."
He beat a woman badly in his run for the presidency and threw a black family out of a white house...
They ask the bartender, "What have you got?"
The bartender points to two taps.
They say, "What? That's it?! We don't like either of those choices!"
The bartender says, "Now you know how I feel."
So a child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks "what do you want more than anything" the child responds "to trade places with Donald trump!"
They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.
So they ask trump, he obliges.
Trump meets the child and says "so you want to know what it's like to be president?"
The child retorts "no I just wanted you to have cancer"
Trump replies, No way, that's my job. I won't have another asian stealing an American job.
There is an abundance of drumpf jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 67 funniest jokes and donald trump puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any elect witze you can hear about donald trump.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.