Happy Donald Trump Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!"
"Mister President, we've been over this..."
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?
One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.
Trump says, Are you s**...? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you r**...?
The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.
But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
What do Apple and Donald Trump have in common?
I would say that they both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs, but I shouldn't compare apples to oranges.
Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.
That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.
What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common?
They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.
A s**... has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...
...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.
Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?
Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.
That is the joke. There's no punchline here.
Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?
Because orange is the new black.
You can explore donald trump ivanka reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean donald trump gop dad jokes. There are also donald trump puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I don't see why people are outraged when Donald Trump says if Ivanka wasn't his daughter, he'd be dating her.
After all, if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I'd date her too.
Letter to God
Dear God,
Last week, you took my favorite boxer; Muhammed Ali.
Today, you took my favorite hockey player; Gordie Howe.
I just want to let you know that my favorite candidate is Donald Trump.
What is the only reason Donald Trump is watching the Olympics?
So he can determine how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump.
Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work.
The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.
Donald Trump is like a marshmallow...
He's easy to roast, a little orange on top, catches fire easily, and will melt down when he gets under too much heat.
What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?
They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.
Say what you like about Donald Trump..
But he's doing more than anyone else in the world to stop Donald Trump from being elected president.
Election Day Drinking Game:
Every time Donald Trump is elected President, we all drink and just never stop.
Donald Trump's presidency is already positively affecting the economy.
Alcohol sales have never been higher.
Donald Trump is the next President but...
The biggest winner is Melania Trump. She can now call herself The First Lady instead of The Third Wife.
Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans...
This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.
Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press.
Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.
What does the MacBook have in common with Donald Trump?
I would tell you....
But I don't compare apples to oranges.
Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.
He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."
Trump 20:16
Not everything Donald Trump says is s**....
The Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans!
The trump family is flying from New York to DC
Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
Donald Trump gets executed
and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.
"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.
"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."
I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny.
It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.
A lone s**... was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.
Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck"
Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"
The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."
Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"
The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"
Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.
Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."
Donald Trump said if I voted for Hillary Clinton I'd have a President constantly under Federal investigation.
I did and we do.
To be fair, Donald Trump HAS created a lot of jobs.
It's going to take a lot of people to clean up this mess.
One day, when Donald Trump is dead, in his tombstone, we'll read: "HERE LIES DONALD TRUMP"
"EVEN THOUGH HE'S DEAD, HE'S STILL LYING!"
Donald Trump says to Mike Pence, "The less immigrants we allow in, the better."
Pence says, "The fewer".
Trump says, "I told you not to call me that yet."
A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...
As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and i**... aliens?
The clerk said, Kiss my a**...… get out… and stay out!
The man said, Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?
A schoolboy rescues President Trump
A schoolboy walking home from school see Donald Trump* drowning in a pond. He dives him and saves him.
The president is very grateful and offers him a gift as a reward.
"All I want is a wheelchair" says the boy.
A wheelchair? Why do you need a wheelchair? the president asks.
Well, the boy explains, when my old man finds out I rescued you from drowning, he's gonna break both my legs.
*(
Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.
Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd
Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump...
But i shouldn't compare apples and oranges.
4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.
The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.
Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...
But that's comparing apples to oranges.
Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:
370HSSV - 0773H
Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI
No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help.
Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply:
"Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."
How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern?
They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.
An assistant to Donald Trump
>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.**
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.**
**It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!**
**Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!**
**By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"**
**His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."**
Please stop calling Donald Trump an idiot.
As an idiot myself, it's very offensive that people think he's one of us.
Donald Trump walks into a bar
......
and set it lower
What's the difference between Donald Trump and Barack Obama?
One gets made fun of for the color of his skin, and the other is Barack Obama!
What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump?
George Washington couldn't tell a lie.
Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth.
Donald Trump can't tell the difference
If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly c**..., who would survive?
The United States of America.
All those people claiming Donald Trump is like h**... need a reality check.
After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.
I want Donald Trump to be my parole officer...
...he never lets anybody finish a sentence.
The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.
The Pope says to Trump, Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!
Trump replies, I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!
So the Pope slapped him.
I don't know why Donald Trump wants four more years.
He can't even handle 60 minutes.
If this year has taught us anything, it's that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen
He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job
Breaking: Donald Trump has just won another state.
Denial.
There's a term for guys like Donald Trump.
But apparently not 2 terms.
I always thought that Steve Jobs would make a better president than Donald Trump
but then I realized that I'm comparing apples to oranges
Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for
He said 'Genius'
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?
A bird can still tweet.
An assassin is running towards Trump
His personal bodyguard sees him and shouts Mickey Mouse . This startles the assassin and he runs off in the other direction.
Trump turns to his bodyguard and says Thank you, but why did you yell Mickey Mouse The bodyguard replies Sorry Sir, I meant to say Donald, Duck.
Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail.
They find three parachutes.
Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, The world needs a great person like me!
Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, I need to help make choices for our world , so he jumps off the plane.
At this point, the Pope and the little boy are on the plane.
The Pope says to the boy, take the last parachute, I am too old and I'm going to die soon one day.
Actually there are two left. Donald Trump took my backpack.
Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?
Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.
A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico.
Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un jump off a cliff. Who wins?
Mankind
Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it.
People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked o**..., who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this queue for and why are you now leaving it?"
The man said "This is the queue for Canadian Immigration Visas, but if you are getting one, I don't need one now."
Liz Cheney will agree to dismantle the January 6 Commission under one condition
That is if Donald Trump can go on a hunting trip with her Dad.
What's the difference between Benedict Arnold and Donald Trump?
Benedict Arnold once fought for America.
What do Donald Trump, Pink Floyd, and Dale Earnhardt Sr have in common?
Their biggest hits were all "The Wall"
Donald Trump's daughter got married this weekend
For her something blue, he gave her Nevada
Who would win in a street fight between Joe Biden and Donald Trump?
Everyone watching
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn't have one. The Pope has one but never uses. Donald Trump has one and uses it. What is it?
A surname/last name
What do Martin Sheen and Donald Trump have in common?
They both played a president on TV
