Dollars Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year

If I had a dollar for every gender

I'd have two dollars and a bunch of counterfeits

I found a wallet what do i do?

I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

If I had a dollar for every gender there was...

I'd have 2 dollars and a whole lot of counterfeits.

So I was at my bank today.

There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.

The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."

He shrugged and paused.

"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many fuckin' security cameras."

I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me

who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"

I won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75

What do you call a man with 6,022 x 10^23 dollars?

A Moleionaire

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..

A son ask his dad to explain the difference between reality and fiction.

Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?

Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.

Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have sex with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?

Daughter: Yeah sure!

Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two whores in this house.

What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless?

2nd place in a presidential election.

I stopped my car beside a prostitute last night.

As she got in I asked, *"How much for a blow job?"*

She said, *"Thirty dollars."*

I said, *"Can you do twenty?"*

*"Yeah, okay"*, she replied.

I said, *"Great, here's $600 then."*

If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have?

Someone else's pants on.

My grandfathers favorite joke.

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...

...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...

A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

you should've seen the look on her face when i drove pasta

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"

"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.

90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:

Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.

Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.

Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"

The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.

"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.

Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say "Hi, Charles"

I'm definitely the loser if I run over a deer. It's going to cost me hundreds of dollars.

But nature is only out a buck.

A conversation with God

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

A man goes to buy a Ferrari...

but he was short of $1.

He saw a homeless man and said "Can you give me a dollar, I have to buy a Ferrari."

The homeless man gave him two dollars and said "Get one for me too."

Breaking News: A movie theatre has just been robbed of over two thousand dollars

The theives took a large soda and two bags of popcorn

A teacher was giving a math lesson...

...and she asked one of her students, "If you had two dollars, and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"

The student replied, "Two dollars."

"Not quite," the teach responded. "Sounds like you don't know your addition.

"No," the student said, "you just don't know my father."

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.


One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"


The man says, "I should have taken the money."

A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.

The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"

Barry says "make it $1000".

I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

(Emo Philips)

The captain and the prostitute

A captain of the army goes to a prostitute and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the prostitute answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"

(I hope the joke translates well)

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

The director of EA walks into a bar

Download punchline for only $15 dollars!

"Back in the day," my grandfather started to say,

"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."

"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."

Two guys are walking down a dark alley

when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.

They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."

I just found out Microsoft bought Skype for 8.5 billion dollars.

Idiots...they should have just downloaded it.

I just gave a homeless guy 530 dollars and my new iPhone x

He was so happy he even put his knife back in his pocket

Last night a movie theater was robbed of $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal and a pack of skittles.

A man asks a woman if she would have sex with him for a Million dollars.

The woman says "yes!"

The man then asks "Would you have sex with me for one dollar?"

"NO! what do you think I am?!" she replies

"I think we already established that, now we're just negotiating"

An Iranian man comes home to his wife

He says :" Honey! Honey! I missed the bus today and chased it all the way home. I saved myself 2 dollars!"

The wife responds: " you idiot! You should've chased the taxi. You could have saved 20 dollars!"

God is funny

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"


God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

A drunk guy calls a radio station...

...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"

"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."

Exchange rate

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?' The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'. The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers

The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."

While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "

The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "

The other two replied:" Wow, where does your grandpa live?"

He replied:"under the overpass of course! "

I was just scammed out of 25 dollars.

I purchased a dvd titled "Tiger Woods' favorite 18 holes." It turned out to be about golf. Tell others so that they can avoid this scam too!!

Little Johnny

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "

An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"

The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

A man walks up to a girl on the street

He asks her "would you have sex with me for a million dollars?"

The girl replies "hmm.. for a millian dollars sure!"

The man asks "would you have sex with me for free?"

The girl replies "for free? What kind of girl do you think I am?

The man replies "we've already found what kind of girl you are now we are just negotiating a price."

If I had a dollar for every gender

I would have two dollars and a lot of monopoly money.

If you had to choose between a billion dollars or world peace...

how many bedrooms would your mansion have?

Little Johnny asked god a question.

Johnny: Is it true that a billion years for us is just a second for you?

God: Why, yes it's absolutely true!

Johnny: Is it also true that a billion dollars for us is just a penny for you?

God: You're absolutely right!

Johnny: Well in that case, may I have a penny?

God: Absolutely! Just give me a second.

A little help with your math

A businessman is getting a 17% discount on an order worth $20,000.00, but can't figure out the total in his head. He asks his secretary, "Betty, if I were to give you twenty thousand dollars with a 17% discount, how much would you take off?" She thinks for a minute, then says, "Everything except my earrings."

A cute one I heard from a friend at work.

Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alright, just put it on my bill".

"You said you had between ten and fifteen million dollars in the bank," she yelled.

"I didn't lie," I replied, "I've got exactly $23."

Lemonade

A man stumbles upon a little girl's lemonade stand and asks, "How much for a glass?" "First one's twenty-five cents," she responds. He hands her the money, downs the lemonade, and asks for another. "The second cup is twenty-five dollars", she states. Confused, the man asks, "Why?"

"This one has the antidote."

What are the funniest dollars jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Dollars? Well, here are the best Dollars puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Dollars pick up lines to share with friends.

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