Dollar Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets....

I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks....

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis

Would it even matter?

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

If I had a dollar for every gender

I'd have two dollars and a bunch of counterfeits

If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said

a black guy would probably rob me.

If I had a dollar for every gender

I'd have $1.77

The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

If I had a dollar for every gender there was...

I'd have 2 dollars and a whole lot of counterfeits.

So I was at my bank today.

There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.

The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."

He shrugged and paused.

"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many fuckin' security cameras."

My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive...

....they would start to find me attractive.

Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.

So I took it and turned it into wine.

My girlfriend doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. That's all I'm spending on her for Christmas.

So far, she's only getting a McChicken.

You know, if I had a dollar for every time someone over fifty told me my generation sucks...

Then I would be able to afford a house in the economy they ruined.

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...

I would have one dollar... thanks mom...

If I had a dollar for every time I had sex

I'd be a cheap prostitute

If my wife made a dollar for every sexist joke I make

She'd be $.77 richer right now

I went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar...

But they only gave me 3 quarters.

If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have?

Someone else's pants on.

My grandfathers favorite joke.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I've had

Does money even matter

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...

...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...

A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...

I'll see myself out now.

Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar...

Its called inflation.

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you..

I'd start thinking about you.

A man goes to buy a Ferrari...

but he was short of $1.

He saw a homeless man and said "Can you give me a dollar, I have to buy a Ferrari."

The homeless man gave him two dollars and said "Get one for me too."

A man notices a TV for sale.

"Hey, how much is this TV?"

The salesman replies "1 dollar."

"Only a dollar? Why so cheap?"

The salesman tells him "the sound is stuck on the highest volume."

"So it's always on the highest volume? And it's only one dollar?"

"Yup."

"Wow, can't turn that down."

If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me unattractive

They'd soon find me attractive

If I got a dollar every time somebody called me a racist

Black people would rob me

If I had a dollar everytime I thought about you

I would start thinking about you

A man asks a woman if she would have sex with him for a Million dollars.

The woman says "yes!"

The man then asks "Would you have sex with me for one dollar?"

"NO! what do you think I am?!" she replies

"I think we already established that, now we're just negotiating"

If I had a dollar for every gender...

I'd have $1.70 because women make less.

if i got a dollar for every time i think about you....

..i would start to think about you

When Bill Gates donates 30% of his net worth

He is praised as a generous hero, But when I do it people tell me they don't accept donations under a dollar.

If I had a dollar for everytime I got laid...

I'd be a prostitute.

I'm going to open a dollar store in England

It'll be called Pound Town.

I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar.

It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.

If I had a dollar for every racist comment I ever made.....

I'd probably get robbed by a black guy.

If I had a dollar for every girl that turned me down...

They wouldn't turn me down anymore.

I saw a guy drop a 100 dollar bill, I picked it up and asked myself: "what would Jesus do?"

......So I turned it into wine

A guy walks into a bar...

...and orders a steak. The guy behind the counter tells him it'll be $1.

"One dollar?! I've been coming to this bar every week for who knows how long, and it's always been $12! Where's Phil the owner?"

"He's upstairs with my wife."

"Well, what's he doing with your wife?"

"The same thing I'm doing to his business."

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me racist

Black people would rob me

A Chinese woman storms into a bank and up to the front of the line.

She slams her hand down on the counter and demands the teller's attention.

"My stock," she says, "yesterday was worth one hundred dollar a share! Now is ninety five! Why? You try to rip me off?"

The teller smiles and says "No ma'am. Fluctuations."

The lady's face turns a bright shade of crimson and she screams "We'll fluc you white people too!"

If I had a dollar for every gender

I would have two dollars and a lot of monopoly money.

If I had a dollar for every time I read "OP is a racist"

I'd still be broke. Because I am black and can't read

If I had a dollar for every person over 40 that told me my generation sucks

I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

A man lost $100 bill

Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?

Student: No. I was standing on it.

If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive...

They'd find me attractive.

If I had a dollar for every time I said something racist

A lot more black people would try to rob me

If i had a dollar for every girl that did not like me

Girls would like me

A joke told by an old man.

I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.

Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get.

Me: Sucks you can not do that today!

Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . .

What do you call a belt made of dollar bills?

A waist of money.

I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious today.

Well, I'm assuming she was poor because she had only a dollar in her purse.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...

I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need now!

A man throws a dollar coin into a wishing well...

and a genie pops out. The genie tells him "You have thrown the largest money value into this well since it has been built. You may have one wish."

"I want a dragon."

"Are you sure? That's... pretty big, and would probably give me away. Anything else?"

"I want to learn how to fold a fitted sheet."

"...what color dragon do you want?"

If I had a dollar for every time I've used algebra in my life

I'd have *n* dollars

What's the difference between a dollar bill and the Atlanta Falcons?

A dollar bill is good for 4 quarters.

If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...

I'd wonder why.

So a college teacher is talking to his male students...

"Access to the women's dorms is strictly prohibited. If someone is caught there for the first time, they will suffer a fine of 100 dollars. The second offence will involve a 300 dollar fine. Getting caught there for the third time will cost you a hefty fine of 500 dollars."

Suddenly, a student in the back raises his hand and asks:

"How much for a semester pass?"

I really thought Monica Lewinsky should be on a dollar..

but she's already had her face on a Bill.

If I had a dollar for every time a girl told me I was unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

ba dum tsss

What are the funniest dollar jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Dollar? Well, here are the best Dollar puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Dollar pick up lines to share with friends.

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