Dollars Jokes
166 dollars jokes and hilarious dollars puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dollars that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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- Short Dollars Jokes
- Dollars One Liners
- Million Dollars Jokes
- Millions Dollars Jokes
- Billions Dollars Jokes
- Thousands Dollars Jokes
- More Dollars Jokes
Funniest Dollars Short Jokes
Short dollars jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dollars humour may include short dollar bill jokes also.
- If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets.... I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.
- Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year - If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd.. I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25
- I want my 11780 dollars. Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.
- I found a wallet what do i do? I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"
So I turned it into wine. - Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.
- A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn't want it to just go towards crack and alcohol So I gave it to the homeless man
- If I had a dollar for every gender there was... I'd have 2 dollars and a whole lot of counterfeits.
- I found a bundle of dollar bill in the street. As a devout Christian, I asked myself, What would Jesus do? So I turned it into wine.
- If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive... ....they would start to find me attractive.
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Dollars One Liners
Which dollars one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dollars? I can suggest the ones about dollar coins and euros.
- If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis Would it even matter?
- If I had a dollar for every gender I'd have two dollars and a bunch of counterfeits
- If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said a black guy would probably rob me.
- If I had a dollar for every gender I'd have $1.77
- What do you call a man with 6,022 x 10^23 dollars? A Moleionaire
- What is the difference between a dollar and a ruble ? A dollar.
- How do you get a million dollars in crypto investing? Start with ten million.
- If my wife made a dollar for every sexist joke I make She'd be $.77 richer right now
- If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I've had Does money even matter
- Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar... Its called inflation.
- If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you.. I'd start thinking about you.
- I really love 50 Cent... ...Or as we call him here in Zimbabwe, '200 million dollars'.
- I bought a wig for a dollar today It was a small price toupee.
- If I had a dollar everytime I thought about you I would start thinking about you
- If I had a dollar for every gender... I'd have $1.70 because women make less.
Million Dollars Jokes
Here is a list of funny million dollars jokes and even better million dollars puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless? 2nd place in a presidential election.
- "You said you had between ten and fifteen million dollars in the bank," she yelled. "I didn't lie," I replied, "I've got exactly $23."
- If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity. Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
- When I die I want my last words to be, " I left a million dollars under the..."
- If I won the Mega Millions valued at 750 million today, I would donate a quarter to charity. Not sure what I would do with the other 749,999,999.75 dollars though.
- Have you heard about the rioting in Baltimore? So far they've caused 4 million dollars in improvements.
- I would trade my legs for 5 million dollars But I don't think it would be worth it in the long run
- I once was asked to star in a movie for a million dollars but I declined. I don't have that much money.
- What happened when a hurricane hit Alabama? It caused 10 million dollars worth of improvements.
- If I had a million dollars for every time I lost money... I'd have $43.
Millions Dollars Jokes
Here is a list of funny millions dollars jokes and even better millions dollars puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear they're remaking the show, 6 Million Dollar Man? It used to be about an enhanced human. Now it's just a story about a guy who visits the ER without health insurance.
- I said to my wife, "You look like a million pounds."... I said to my wife, "You look like a million pounds."
"Don't you mean dollars?" she replied.
"I know what I mean," I said. - I got a hair cut for $10 At this rate, its gonna cost me a million dollars to get them all cut.
- What's 50 Cents name in Zimbabwe? 400 Million Dollars
- I got a mail saying that I won 1 million dollars because I could read Maps backwards I thought to myself, "Thats just Spam"
- My friend asked me what I'd choose, a night with any lady of my liking or a million dollars I said a million dollars because then I could have more than one night with the lady
- A gambler hits the jackpot *What are we going to spend 10 million dollars on?* - asks his wife.
"31 black" - A billionaire offered me a million dollars to permanently glue my mouth shut forever. I can't tell you how happy I am.
- Did you hear about the man who became a millionaire with one homing pigeon? He sold it for a dollar and it came home a million times.
- I hear there's a huge 50 Cent fanbase in Zimbabwe... Or as they call him there, 400 Million Dollars.
Billions Dollars Jokes
Here is a list of funny billions dollars jokes and even better billions dollars puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just found out Microsoft bought Skype for 8.5 billion dollars. Idiots...they should have just downloaded it.
- If you had to choose between a billion dollars or world peace... how many bedrooms would your mansion have?
- I'm a big fan of 50 cent Or as he's known in Zimbabwe, 10 billion dollars
- Your mama is so fat... The NSA had to build a 2 billion dollar complex to store her weight information.
- Greece announced they are going to default on their nearly 1.8 billion dollar loan Who would've thought the country that invented the philosophy major would be broke?
- If you could choose between 1 billion dollars and world peace... What would the color of your new Lamborghini be?
- Did you hear what sandy did to New Jersey? A few billion dollars worth of improvements
- How come Jeff Bezos spending 13 billion makes the news? I spent 13 billion dollars last week at Whole Foods as well and all I got was some vegan avocado toast.
- I'm working on my second Billion dollars. My first billion didn't work out so I've moved on to my second.
- Borrow a million dollars, and the bank owns you. Borrow a 100 billion dollars and you own the bank.
Borrow $69 trillion dollars and you are the United States of America.
Thousands Dollars Jokes
Here is a list of funny thousands dollars jokes and even better thousands dollars puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If you ever feel useless...
Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...
the Taliban - Breaking News: A movie theatre has just been robbed of over two thousand dollars The theives took a large soda and two bags of popcorn
- Give a man a fish you'll feed him for a day Teach a man to fish and he'll spend thousands of dollars on equipment and go once a year
- Give a man a fish and he will have a meal, Teach a man how to fish and he will spend thousands of dollars on fishing equipment.
- My sister bet me a thousand dollars that I could not build a car out of noodles. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
- Psychic: I'm sorry to say that you are going to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on your education. Man: How do you know this?
Psychic: Mostly in tuition. - What's the difference between a shooting range and an American college? About thirty thousand dollars a year.
- The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want ten thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
- What do you call a thousand dollar door? A grand entrance.
- I gave my wife ten thousand dollars to have plastic surgery; now I can't get the money back and I don't know who to look for.
Humorous Dollars Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What funny jokes about dollars you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pounds jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dollars pranks.
A little help with your math
A businessman is getting a 17% discount on an order worth $20,000.00, but can't figure out the total in his head. He asks his secretary, "Betty, if I were to give you twenty thousand dollars with a 17% discount, how much would you take off?" She thinks for a minute, then says, "Everything except my earrings."
Two guys are walking down a dark alley
when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.
They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then, o**... turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."
A man is praying to God...
He says, "Lord? May I ask you a question?"
"Sure thing!", God replies.
"Well," the man begins, "Is it true that a million years is just a second to you?"
God replies, "Yes, that is true."
The man then asks, "And is it true that a million dollars is only a penny to you?"
"Yes."
"In that case, can I have a penny?"
"Sure," God answers, "Just give me a second."
Jewish kid asks his father for $50 ...
His father replies: "Forty dollars?! What do you need thirty dollars for?!"
Double Genie
A man comes across a magical lamp with a genie inside who grants him 3 wishes. The only stipulation is that whatever he wishes for, his ex-wife gets double.
The man says, "I wish for a million dollars." The genie replies, "It is done. Your ex-wife gets 2 million."
The man says, "I wish for a mansion." The genie replies, "It is done. your ex-wife now has 2 mansions."
The man says, "For my last wish... I wish you would beat me half to death."
If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have?
Someone else's pants on.
My grandfathers favorite joke.
A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.
The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"
Barry says "make it $1000".
A cute one I heard from a friend at work.
Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alright, just put it on my bill".
My priest told a joke during his homily today.
A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"
God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."
"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."
"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"
"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."
Lemonade
A man stumbles upon a little girl's lemonade stand and asks, "How much for a glass?" "First one's twenty-five cents," she responds. He hands her the money, downs the lemonade, and asks for another. "The second cup is twenty-five dollars", she states. Confused, the man asks, "Why?"
"This one has the antidote."
So a college teacher is talking to his male students...
"Access to the women's dorms is strictly prohibited. If someone is caught there for the first time, they will suffer a fine of 100 dollars. The second offence will involve a 300 dollar fine. Getting caught there for the third time will cost you a hefty fine of 500 dollars."
Suddenly, a student in the back raises his hand and asks:
"How much for a semester pass?"
Little Johnny asked god a question.
Johnny: Is it true that a billion years for us is just a second for you?
God: Why, yes it's absolutely true!
Johnny: Is it also true that a billion dollars for us is just a penny for you?
God: You're absolutely right!
Johnny: Well in that case, may I have a penny?
God: Absolutely! Just give me a second.
The captain and the p**...
A captain of the army goes to a p**... and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the p**... answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"
(I hope the joke translates well)
A conversation with God
A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."
A man walks up to a g**... the street
He asks her "would you have s**... with me for a million dollars?"
The girl replies "hmm.. for a millian dollars sure!"
The man asks "would you have s**... with me for free?"
The girl replies "for free? What kind of girl do you think I am?
The man replies "we've already found what kind of girl you are now we are just negotiating a price."
An Iranian man comes home to his wife
He says :" Honey! Honey! I missed the bus today and chased it all the way home. I saved myself 2 dollars!"
The wife responds: " you idiot! You should've chased the taxi. You could have saved 20 dollars!"
Little Johnny
"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "
A boy wants to know the difference between hypothetically and realistically
His father says, "Go ask your mother and sister if they would have s**... with somebody for a million dollars."
The boy returns and tells his father they both said yes.
"Well son hypothetically we're sitting on two million dollars, realistically we're living with a couple of w**...."
A drunk guy calls a radio station...
...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"
"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."
My girlfriend asked if I would spend a month away from her for 5000 dollars.
It's tempting, but I don't think I can afford it.
Teacher to student If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Student: One dollar.
Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic.
Student: You don't know my father.
I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me
who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"
Monkey Business
A zookeeper notices the lonely female gorilla is feeling depressed and needs to cheer her up again. He asks the r**... janitor of the zoo if he'll have s**... with the gorilla for $500.
The r**... says that he'll do it under 2 conditions.
Ok, says the zookeeper, what are they?
I don't want anyone to ever find out.
Ok, done! What's your second condition?
The r**... says; "I'll need an extra week to come up with the five hundred dollars."
A man walks into a bar and sees a young, attractive woman.
He approaches her and asks, "Excuse me, Miss. I was curious, would you be willing to sleep with me for one million dollars?" She responds, "Well certainly!" Again he asks, "How about for $10?" This time she answers, "Not at all. What do you think I am?" The man replies, "I have already established what you are. I'm just trying to negotiate a better price."
A teacher was giving a math lesson...
...and she asked one of her students, "If you had two dollars, and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"
The student replied, "Two dollars."
"Not quite," the teach responded. "Sounds like you don't know your addition.
"No," the student said, "you just don't know my father."
So I was at my bank today.
There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.
The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"
"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.
"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.
Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say "Hi, Charles"
An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags
He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"
The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."
An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"
The man says, "I should have taken the money."
I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.
"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"
"To buy groceries," I told him.
"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."
He shrugged and paused.
"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many f**...' security cameras."
A man asks a woman if she would have s**... with him for a Million dollars.
The woman says "yes!"
The man then asks "Would you have s**... with me for one dollar?"
"NO! what do you think I am?!" she replies
"I think we already established that, now we're just negotiating"
An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department...
...and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"
If I had a dollar for every time I've used algebra in my life
I'd have *n* dollars
A man goes to buy a Ferrari...
but he was short of $1.
He saw a homeless man and said "Can you give me a dollar, I have to buy a Ferrari."
The homeless man gave him two dollars and said "Get one for me too."
Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...
...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...
A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
I was just scammed out of 25 dollars.
I purchased a dvd titled "Tiger Woods' favorite 18 holes." It turned out to be about golf. Tell others so that they can avoid this scam too!!
A man comes home to his wife after winning the lottery
The man says to his wife, "Honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?"
The wife becomes started by her husband's inquiry but replies, "Well I would take half of it and then leave you."
With a huge grin on his face, her husband says, "Perfect! I won ten dollars!"
I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?
And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
(Emo Philips)
A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament
Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..
My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.
you should've seen the look on her face when i drove pasta
I stopped my car beside a p**... last night.
As she got in I asked, *"How much for a b**...?"*
She said, *"Thirty dollars."*
I said, *"Can you do twenty?"*
*"Yeah, okay"*, she replied.
I said, *"Great, here's $600 then."*
Gunpowder therapy
A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"
"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.
90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
If I had a dollar for every gender
I would have two dollars and a lot of monopoly money.
I'm definitely the loser if I run over a deer. It's going to cost me hundreds of dollars.
But nature is only out a buck.
A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".
And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"
Exchange rate
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?' The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'. The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.
A Jewish kid asks his father if he can borrow $50.
His father replies
40 dollars?
What do you want 30 dollars for?
I just gave a homeless guy 530 dollars and my new iPhone x
He was so happy he even put his knife back in his pocket
Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:
Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.
Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.
Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"
The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.
I went shopping with my wife.
Going down one of the aisles I noticed they had beer on sale $10 a case. I put it in the cart and she told me to put it back we couldn't afford it.
A couple aisles later she picks up a jar of face cream for 20 dollars.
I asked how come we can afford this and not the beer.
She said this makes my face pretty.
I said so will a case of beer for half the price.
"Back in the day," my grandfather started to say,
"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."
"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."
Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?
At a fancy dinner party, a man turns to a woman and suddenly says:
- Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?
The woman giggles.
- Of course I would!
- How about doing it for fifteen dollars?
The woman looks disgusted.
- Why, what kind of woman do you think I am?
- That's already been established. Now we're just haggling about the price.
A son ask his dad to explain the difference between reality and fiction.
Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?
Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.
Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have s**... with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?
Daughter: Yeah sure!
Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two w**... in this house.
The head of KFC called the Pope
He said, "I'll give you a million dollars to change the Lord's prayer to give us our daily chicken."
The Pope said no and hung up.
KFC called back and offered 10 million.
The Pope said no and hung up.
KFC called back and offered 100 million.
The Pope said, "You have a deal!"
The Pope got all the churches big wigs together and said, "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, we are 100 million richer. Bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account.
3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers
The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."
While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "
The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "
The other two replied:" Wow, where does your grandpa live?"
He replied:"under the overpass of course! "
Give an Eevee a Water Stone and it turns into Vaporeon. Give an Eevee a Fire Stone and it turns into Flareon.
Give an Eevee a couple dollars every month for their art project and it turns into Patreon.
HOW i got rich
One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? - No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billion dollars, and I stopped doing nonsense
An old man is selling watermelons...
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."
Albert Einstein challenged Mr. Bean
Einstein said to Mr. Bean: "I'll ask you a question.If you can't answer correctly, you'll give me one dollar. Then you ask me a question. If I can't answer correctly, I'll give you 1000 dollars.
Einstein: asks a question.
Mr. Bean after a little while: gives Einstein one dollar.
Einstein says: Okay, it's your turn.
Mr. Bean asks: What's an animal that has four legs, but when it's crossing a street, it has three legs and when it's on the other side of the street, it has only two?
Einstein: Thinks hard for a while.
Einstein says: I give up. *Gives 1000 dollars to Mr. Bean*
Einstein asks: What is it?
Mr. Bean: gives a dollar to Einstein.
Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to h**....
Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.
Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, "Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a h**...-hole, so it's a local call."
Johnny Joke
Tell me, Johnny said his teacher, if your father borrowed $100 and promises to pay $10 a week, how much will he owe in 7 weeks?
One hundred dollars, said Johnny.
I'm afraid you don't know your math very well, said the teacher.
I may not know my math, said Johnny, but I know my father.
I gave a phone and 100 dollars to a homeless guy today.
You will never know the happiness I've felt when he put his gun away.
A man is praying to God and asks "God, how is it you created all this in 7 days?"
God replied, "well, you see time is different for you and me. A million years in human time is only a second in time for me. I created everything in 7 days my time, not yours, so the time frame is much greater than interpreted."
"Oh my God, that is ncredible!" the man exclaimed. "So what, like a penny to you is a million dollars for us?"
"Um, yeah, kinda. Something like that...." God says
"Well, in that case, can I just have a penny, God?" The man shoots his shot
"Sure" God agrees, much to the surprise of the man. "Just gimme a second to find it...."
I was at my bank today...
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange money for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollars, today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, What are you two arguing about?
One boy answers, We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.
You two should be ashamed of yourselves, said the teacher. When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was. The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.
A wealthy billionaire dies, and his final wish is to be buried with his money.
So, at the f**... reception, the widow is speaking with guests when the matter of the billionaire's last wish comes up. The widow confirms that she honored her late husband's request.
A friend says to the widow, "You really buried him with billions of dollars?!", and the widow replies, "Of course, I wrote him a check."
A Japanese business man living in nyc goes into the bank to exchange a large amount of US dollars into Yen....
He does the transaction with the teller, offer a polite bow accompanied by an 'ah so', and leaves.
He comes back in a week with another large amount of usd to exchange. This time he gets much less yen. He looks quizzically at the teller and she says to him, 'fluctuations'!!
He angrily grabs the cash and storms out. As he's leaving the branch he comes back in and yells at the top of his voice: 'fluc you Americans too!!!'
What's the Wi-Fi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
OK, I'll have a Coke.
Bartender: Three dollars.
There you go. So what's the Wi‑Fi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
