The Best 70 Dollar Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Dollar jokes. There are some dollar aud jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these dollar loonies puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Dollar Jokes and Puns

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

A Chinese woman storms into a bank and up to the front of the line.

She slams her hand down on the counter and demands the teller's attention.

"My stock," she says, "yesterday was worth one hundred dollar a share! Now is ninety five! Why? You try to rip me off?"

The teller smiles and says "No ma'am. Fluctuations."

The lady's face turns a bright shade of crimson and she screams "We'll fluc you white people too!"

Dollar joke, A Chinese woman storms into a bank and up to the front of the line.

If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have?

Someone else's pants on.

My grandfathers favorite joke.

So a college teacher is talking to his male students...

"Access to the women's dorms is strictly prohibited. If someone is caught there for the first time, they will suffer a fine of 100 dollars. The second offence will involve a 300 dollar fine. Getting caught there for the third time will cost you a hefty fine of 500 dollars."

Suddenly, a student in the back raises his hand and asks:

"How much for a semester pass?"


My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

If I had a dollar for everytime I got laid...

I'd be a prostitute.

Dollar joke, If I had a dollar for everytime I got laid...

A man lost $100 bill

Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?

Student: No. I was standing on it.

If I had a dollar for every time I read "OP is a racist"

I'd still be broke. Because I am black and can't read

What do you call a belt made of dollar bills?

A waist of money.

A joke told by an old man.

I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.

Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get.

Me: Sucks you can not do that today!

Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . .

You can explore dollar penny reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean dollar cent dad jokes. There are also dollar puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


So I was at my bank today.

There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.

The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"

A man throws a dollar coin into a wishing well...

and a genie pops out. The genie tells him "You have thrown the largest money value into this well since it has been built. You may have one wish."

"I want a dragon."

"Are you sure? That's... pretty big, and would probably give me away. Anything else?"

"I want to learn how to fold a fitted sheet."

"...what color dragon do you want?"

If I had a dollar for every time I had sex

I'd be a cheap prostitute

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."

He shrugged and paused.

"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many fuckin' security cameras."

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...

I'll see myself out now.

Dollar joke, What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

A man asks a woman if she would have sex with him for a Million dollars.

The woman says "yes!"

The man then asks "Would you have sex with me for one dollar?"

"NO! what do you think I am?!" she replies

"I think we already established that, now we're just negotiating"

If I had a dollar for every girl that turned me down...

They wouldn't turn me down anymore.

A man notices a TV for sale.

"Hey, how much is this TV?"

The salesman replies "1 dollar."

"Only a dollar? Why so cheap?"

The salesman tells him "the sound is stuck on the highest volume."

"So it's always on the highest volume? And it's only one dollar?"

"Yup."

"Wow, can't turn that down."


If I had a dollar for every time I've used algebra in my life

I'd have *n* dollars

A man goes to buy a Ferrari...

but he was short of $1.

He saw a homeless man and said "Can you give me a dollar, I have to buy a Ferrari."

The homeless man gave him two dollars and said "Get one for me too."

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...

I would have one dollar... thanks mom...

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...

...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...

A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

I went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar...

But they only gave me 3 quarters.

If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said

a black guy would probably rob me.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I've had

Does money even matter

If my wife made a dollar for every sexist joke I make

She'd be $.77 richer right now

What's the difference between a dollar bill and the Atlanta Falcons?

A dollar bill is good for 4 quarters.

If I had a dollar for every gender

I'd have $1.77

If I had a dollar for every gender there was...

I'd have 2 dollars and a whole lot of counterfeits.

If I had a dollar for every racist comment I ever made.....

I'd probably get robbed by a black guy.

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you..

I'd start thinking about you.

If I had a dollar for every gender...

I'd have $1.70 because women make less.

If I had a dollar for every gender

I would have two dollars and a lot of monopoly money.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...

I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need now!

I saw a guy drop a 100 dollar bill, I picked it up and asked myself: "what would Jesus do?"

......So I turned it into wine

If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets....

I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar.

It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.

If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...

I'd wonder why.

If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive...

....they would start to find me attractive.ο»Ώ

Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.

So I took it and turned it into wine.

I'm going to open a dollar store in England

It'll be called Pound Town.

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis

Would it even matter?

A guy walks into a bar...

...and orders a steak. The guy behind the counter tells him it'll be $1.

"One dollar?! I've been coming to this bar every week for who knows how long, and it's always been $12! Where's Phil the owner?"

"He's upstairs with my wife."

"Well, what's he doing with your wife?"

"The same thing I'm doing to his business."

I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious today.

Well, I'm assuming she was poor because she had only a dollar in her purse.

When Bill Gates donates 30% of his net worth

He is praised as a generous hero, But when I do it people tell me they don't accept donations under a dollar.

If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me unattractive

They'd soon find me attractive

If I had a dollar for every gender

I'd have two dollars and a bunch of counterfeits

If i had a dollar for every girl that did not like me

Girls would like me

If I had a dollar everytime I thought about you

I would start thinking about you

Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar...

Its called inflation.

If I had a dollar for every woman who's seen me naked...

...I could pay that fine I got for indecent exposure.

Albert Einstein challenged Mr. Bean

Einstein said to Mr. Bean: "I'll ask you a question.​If you can't answer correctly, you'll give me one dollar. Then you ask me a question. If I can't answer correctly, I'll give you 1000 dollars.

Einstein: asks a question.

Mr. Bean after a little while: gives Einstein one dollar.

Einstein says: Okay, it's your turn.

Mr. Bean asks: What's an animal that has four legs, but when it's crossing a street, it has three legs and when it's on the other side of the street, it has only two?

Einstein: Thinks hard for a while.

Einstein says: I give up. *Gives 1000 dollars to Mr. Bean*

Einstein asks: What is it?

Mr. Bean: gives a dollar to Einstein.

If my coworker had a dollar for every time i made a sexist joke...

She would have Β’0.77

Trump and his family are traveling in a plane.

Trump decides to drop a 100 dollar note from the plane. His wife asks what he is doing. His reply is I want to make an American happy

His wife replies back Why don't you drop ten 10 dollar notes and make ten Americans happy?

Their daughter gives a suggestion Why don't you drop hundred 1 dollar notes and make hundred Americans happy?

The pilot overhears their conversation and gives his own suggestion on the matter.

Why don't you three drop yourselves from the plane and make all Americans happy?

For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair.

That only leaves the man with 30c.

I bought a wig for a dollar today

It was a small price toupee.

An officer needed some change so he asked a near by soldier.

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again!

Officer: Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

If I had a Dollar for every time a woman told me I was unattractive

they'd eventually find me attractive.

If I had a dollar for every time I saw that rabbit typo joke reposted here

I'd be a millionhare

a marketing mistake

A small business owner walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How's business?" the bartender asks. "Horrible. We had quite a fiasco this week. I had a shipment come in containing 100 high-quality T-shirts that featured a glow-in-the-dark design of a 100 dollar bill on the front. They looked really cool in the catalog when we ordered them, but we didn't sell a single one all week," the business owner complains. "I guess it's true. Money doesn't glow on T's. "

What is the difference between a dollar and a ruble ?

A dollar.

My wife said the TPMS light came on today.

Her: I just stood at the 7-Eleven because I remembered they had an air pump.

Me: Did you have enough quarters? Isn't it like a dollar or buck'fifty?

Her: It was two dollars!

Me: well, that's inflation for you!


(True Story! And a great cake day gift!)

A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says to the vendor...

"Make me one with everything."

So the hotdog vendor makes him a hotdog with every topping, and the Buddhist hands him a twenty. He proceeds to eat the hotdog, but gets no change for his twenty dollar bill. He says, "Hey, where's my change?"

The hotdog vendor replies, "Change comes only from within."


(Courtesy of my fifty year old husband, who cant go five hecking minutes without making a dad joke)

What's the current rate of ruble vs dollar and pound?

A dollar is worth a pound of rubles

My daughter asked if she could go to a 50 Cent concert...

I gave her a dollar, and told her to take her brother, too.

where can you still get gas for a dollar?

taco bell

I only had a few dollars until someone dropped off a bag of quarters at my front door

I'm not sure how I feel about this sudden change

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the dollar dime jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working dollar eight hundred dollars piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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