Dollar Bill Jokes
141 dollar bill jokes and hilarious dollar bill puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dollar bill that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Dollar Bill Short Jokes
Short dollar bill jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dollar bill humour may include short dollar coins jokes also.
- I found a bundle of dollar bill in the street. As a devout Christian, I asked myself, What would Jesus do? So I turned it into wine.
- Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done. So I took it and turned it into wine.
- When bill gates donates 30% of his net worth He is praised as a generous hero, But when I do it people tell me they don't accept donations under a dollar.
- I saw a guy drop a 100 dollar bill, I picked it up and asked myself: "what would Jesus do?" ......So I turned it into wine
- A man lost $100 bill Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it. - What's the difference between a dollar bill and the Atlanta Falcons? A dollar bill is good for 4 quarters.
- What's six inches long, two inches wide, and women love to get it? A hundred dollar bill.
- I really thought Monica Lewinsky should be on a dollar.. but she's already had her face on a Bill.
- I've invented a machine that prints money. I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents. - Cop: You're going to prison for forgery Suspect: *hands over a 37 dollar bill*
Suspect: What was it you were saying?
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Dollar Bill One Liners
Which dollar bill one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dollar bill? I can suggest the ones about dollars and bills.
- What do you call a belt made of dollar bills? A waist of money.
- Whats 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women crazy? A $100 dollar bill.
- What did one dollar say to the other? Hey, Bill
- What does a dollar bill say to another? Never change.
- What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of 100 dollar bills? Awreatha Franklin!
- To the person who lost the stack of dollar bills I have your rubberband
- What do you call $100 when it's paid out in 20 dollar bills? The Jackson 5
- What is 6 inches long and every man wishes he had more of it? Dollar bills
- Why cant obama ever be on a dollar bill? they would have to use to much ink.
- You ripped a dollar bill in half???? Why? That doesn't make any cents!
- If I can use dollar bills to make it rain, are dollar coins golden showers?
- Did you hear the one about the dollar bill factory? Never mind, it doesn't make cents
- This is ridiculous. It's July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks. One almost caught our christmas decoration on fire.
- Why did the dollar bill go to a therapist? He wasn't making any cents.
- When the first gay president dies... They'll put his face on the three dollar bill.
Dollar Bill Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about dollar bill you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dollar store jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dollar bill pranks.
Q: Once there was the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, Easter bunny, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde they were walking down the road when they saw a $100 dollars bill who gets it??
A: No one the first four doesn't exist and the other blonde thought it was a gum wrapper!
So his wife got a new tattoo...
...of a dollar bill below her belly button. "Why on earth did you get that tattoo?" he said. She replied, "All you can eat under a dollar"
So a cop pulls over a guy for wearing his seatbelt..
tells the citizen that his captain gave him a 100 dollar bill to give to the 100th person he sees wearing their seat belt. The citizen looks a little confused, but of course, accepts the note, and proceeds to leave. The officer asks, " So, if you don't mind my asking, what are you going to spend the money on?" To a reply of, " yes, i do mind your asking, and frankly, i don't think its any of your business." The officer of course is stunned, but , as he goes to leave, the drivers objects. "If you must know, i'll probably spend it on getting my drivers license." The cop is taken aback, as the passenger says, " Oh don't listen to him, he's drunk." Shortly thereafter, a knocking comes from the trunk, and a muffled voice says, " are we over the border yet?"
edited for grammar n**....
Two guys are walking down a dark alley
when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.
They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then, o**... turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."
Wishes
A woman was walking on the beach when she spotted a lamp almost buried in the sand. She picked it up, dusted it off, and to her surprise a genie popped out.
"Thank you for releasing me from my thousand-year imprisonment! I will grant you the traditional three wishes as a reward. And since you are married, your husband will get double of whatever you wish for."
"But I hate my husband," the woman protested. "He cheated on me and spent all our money -- I've already filed for divorce."
The genie shrugged and told her it was genie law. "OK, whatever," she said, "Give me a hundred million dollars." *p**...!* There were stacks and stacks of newly minted $100 bills piled in front of her. "So, does that mean my husband has *two* hundred million now?"
"Yep," the genie said.
"OK... for my second wish, I want a 100,000 square foot mansion." *p**...!* There was a huge mansion right up on the bluff, and the deed was in her pocket. "So, does that mean my husband gets *two* mansions?"
"Yes indeed. Now, what would you like for your final wish?"
She thought about it for a minute, then snapped her fingers and said, "Genie -- scare me half to death!"
What is six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?
A hundred dollar bill.
A guy is sitting in a bar when a great looking woman comes over to him.
He's really excited, but it immediately comes clear that she is a h**.... She says, "Hey, handsome. Want to play a game? Here is how it works. I'll do absolutely anything you want for three hundred dollars, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy thinks for a minute. Then he pulls his wallet out of his pocket, lays three hundred dollar bills on the bar, and says, "Paint my house."
I have a dollar bill pressed between my chin and my chest.....who am i?
Christopher Reeve at a s**... club.
A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.
"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"
Mailman's last day on the job.
After 30 years, mailman George decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.
When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a $50 gift envelope.
At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars.
At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate s**... he has ever experienced.
When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea!"
Ethics done right
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"
A man is in critical condition for swallowing 250,000 dollars in large bills.
No change is expected.
A cute one I heard from a friend at work.
Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alright, just put it on my bill".
The Philandering Duck
This swinging philandering duck suddenly became conscious of the danger of acquiring AIDS through s**... promiscuity.
To put himself at ease he went to his local druggist and asked for a c**.... "How much will that be?" asked the duck. "1 dollar and 19 cents" replied the druggist. "Would you like me to put this on your bill"? "What kind of a duck to you think I am"? replied the duck.
Bad money
What is the difference between an angry rabbit and a counterfeit dollar bill?
One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny.
Sean Connery: He Only Carries Plastic
*Again, read in the man's unmistakable voice*
What's the difference between your mother and a hundred dollar bill?
Well, I don't have the cash on me to break a hundred. But I did break your mother last night.
A lawyer is about to go home for the night...
...when a client shows up, asking for his council. The lawyer decides to stay late and work with the client. Afterwards, the client asks how much he owes for the lawyer's time.
"One hundred dollars," the lawyer responds.
The client pays him and walks out, at which point the lawyer realizes it's two hundred dollar bills stuck together. This leaves the lawyer with a moral dilemma...
Does he tell his partner?
An economist is walking down the street with a friend...
The friend points and says, "Hey, there's a twenty-dollar bill on the ground!" The economist says, "Can't be. If there was a twenty-dollar bill on the ground, someone would have picked it up by now."
A Joke about Eastern Kentucky
In my younger years I used to counterfeit money and pass it off as real money. One day, after I made a fake $7 bill, I found a random guy on the street and asked him if he had change for 7 dollars.
"I sure do" the man replies as he hands me $3 and a $4.
I heard this joke today for the first time, it might be repost/an old one (idk), but here it is
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Vending machines are so homophobic
Like, I'm sorry my dollar bill wasn't straight enough for you.
Woman greets mailman at her mailbox, invites him in, they make passionate love, then she makes him a lunch fit for a king and then hands him a $1 bill.
Flabbergasted mailman says: "My goodness that was outstanding, wonderful, thank you, I really appreciate it. May I ask why you did all this for me?"
Woman says: "I told my husband you were retiring and suggested we do something for you and he said "screw the mailman, give him a dollar", the lunch was my idea."
What do a Jew and dollar bill have in common?
They both have a unique serial number.
So, they're gonna put a woman on the new 10 dollar bill.
Now it's only going to be worth 7 dollars.
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.
He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.
Lawyers' Ethical Dilemma
When a client gives you two hundred dollar bills stuck together from the bank machine to pay a $100 bill, do you tell your law partner?
Getting Drunk
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says, "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me."
His friend says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time, "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, you're disgusting..."
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars."
"Ah, yes," says the man. "He peed in my trousers too!!!"
What do I have when a dollar bill is stuffed into my pants?
All you can eat under a buck.
What did the 5 dollar bill day to the 1 dollar bill?
Atleast I'm not single
Boy and school teacher
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, Why are you arguing?
One boy answers, We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.
You should be ashamed of yourselves, said the teacher, When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was.
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
A man orders a coffee
A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".
The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".
The bartender says "That would be $2.60".
"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground.
The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.
A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.
The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.
Why do they want to change the faces on dollar bills but not on coins?
Because the only constant is change.
A married couple are strapped for cash, so they agree that the wife will p**... to help pay the bills...
Hours later she returns with five hundred dollars and ten cents. The husband says, "that's great, our problems are over! But...who gave you the ten cents?" She replies "Why, all of them!"
Big IF
If I had a dollar for every gender, I'd only have 2 bucks and millions of i**... counterfeit dollar bills that only bring sadness and disappointment in the human race and are a scar on the face of earth, ruining and vandalising every-f**...-thing the human race has strived for.
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor
and tells him, "make me one with everything."
The vendor gives him a hot dog and the buddhist gives him a twenty dollar bill.
After a moment of waiting, the buddhist asks, "Where's my change?"
The vendor smiles and says, "Ahh, change must come from within."
Grandma: "I remember the days when we could walk into a grocery store with a ten dollar bill and come out with a handful of stuff"
Me: "That's cool Grandma. But you can't do it anymore, they've got cameras everywhere"
A young lad enters a barber shop...
and the barber whispers to his customer, This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, Which do you want, son?
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
What did I tell you? said the barber. That kid never learns!
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?
The boy licked his cone and replied,
Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!
A l**... goes down town and tried to get lucky
He meets a p**... and asked her how much for two hours, she replies saying
"Oh honey it's usually 30 bucks but looking at how you are that'll be around 55 dollars no offense."
"Okay that's fine."
So after two hours when everything is all said and done. She asks for the cash the l**... hands her three twenty dollar bills saying
"Keep the tip."
The difference between me and Bill Gates is "th".
He makes tens of millions of dollars per year.
I make tenths of millions of dollars per year.
The trump family is flying from New York to DC
Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says ;
"make me one with everything."
^(If this doesn't work on its own, there is an extension:)
The vendor gives him a hot dog and the Buddhist gives him a twenty dollar bill. After a moment of waiting, the Buddhist asks, "Where's my change?" The vendor smiles and says, "Ahh, change must come from within."
"I just burned a hundred dollar bill"
"Wow, rich guy eh?"
"No, it was a bill from my dentist."
Two economists walk down a road...
Two economists walk down a road and they see a twenty dollar bill lying on the side-walk. One of them asks is that a twenty dollar bill? Then the other one answers It can't be, because someone would have picked it up already, and they keep walking.
Wife: Why did you spend a hundred dollars on a boardgame you've only played once?
Me: *quietly checks the wedding bill*
A guy is approached by a h**... in a bar. She says, "This
A guy is approached by a h**... in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three one hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint...my...house."
Approached by a h**...
A guy is approached by a h**... in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special for you. I'll do absolutely anything you say for $400, as long as you can say it in four words." The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays four one hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Do anything I say."
What happens when Bill Gates walks into a bar of 88 people?
The "average" net worth jumps to more than a billion dollars!
I don't need dollar bills to have fun tonight
A straw will work just fine
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde visit a magical bridge.
The sign reads "Magical bridge: Jump off the bridge and shout out what you want to land in and so it shall be."
The brunette goes first, she climbs on the rail, jumps off and yells "Pillows!" She lands safe and sound in a pile of pillows.
The redhead jumps next. " Hundred dollar bills!" She yells and lands in a huge pile of money.
The blonde goes last. She climbs up, jumps off and gets scared. She yells "Oh shiiiiiiiit!"
If I had a dollar for every promise a politician fulfilled
The debt would equal my uninsured hospital bill.
I ran out of kleenex
So I have been m**... into dollar bills.
I guess you could say my financial situation is a little sticky.
A Buddhist monk orders a hot dog
A Buddhist monk orders a hot dog and gives the vendor a 20 dollar bill. After eating the hot dog he is still waiting and asks the vendor for his change. The vendor replied, "Change only comes from within."
A musician died while smoking w**... from a dollar bill...
At least he went out on a high note
Fancy s**... Club
I found my self at a s**... club one evening. Apparently it was a nice one because when I pulled out a dollar bill to tip one of the dancers she promptly told me "sorry darling but we only take big bills here." without missing a beat I said "no problem hun, all I have are big bills." i winked at her, reached inside my coat pocket and stuffed my electric bill in her G-string.
An honest politician, a hard-working civil servant and Santa Claus find a 100 dollar bill.
Who gets to keep it?
Santa does, the other two are creatures of myth and legend.
What's the difference between the Kansas City Chiefs and a dollar bill?
You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
The Buddhist at the hot dog stand. . .
paid with a ten dollar bill, and got nothing in return. After waiting for a minute, he said "what about my change?"
The hot dog vendor replied, "change comes from within."
My grandfather was cheap. He'd give me a 50 dollar bill each year for my birthday
Not currency; an actual invoice for 50 dollars
I saw a lady crying at the supermarket today because she had lost her money and couldn't buy diapers that she wanted to buy.
I felt so bad that I bought them for her, but it's fine because I found a 100 dollar bill at the parking lot anyways.
One for $1, three for $4
A man is walking up to a coffee stand to get his daily cup of coffee for $1, when he notices their new special where you can buy three cups for $4.
I'd like a cup of coffee, said the man, handing in a dollar bill.
He realizes he can cheat the system by buying two more cups of coffee, and saving a dollar. I'd like two more cups, please, he said, handing in another $2.
Afterward, he asks the guy in the stand, Why are you selling three cups of coffee for $4 when you could buy three separate cups for $3?
To which the stand dude replied, you could've just bought one cup like you do every day.
Two University of Chicago professors are walking down the street
One says look, a twenty dollar bill!
The other replies no, if there was really a twenty dollar bill on the ground, someone would have picked it up .
A man noticed another man throwing 50 dollar bills into a drain
What are you doing?!! He asked.
I accidentally dropped a dollar down there the man responded.
So why are you throwing even more money in?
There's no way I am going to crawl down there for just a dollar
If I glued dollar bills to my sneakers, what would you call them?
Cashews
Hold a dollar bill between your chin and your chest. Ask someone if they know who you are.
When they ask who, answer "Christopher Reeve at a t**... bar!"
A man decides to put his counterfeit 30 dollar bills into circulation.
He decides that a small town would be the best place to put them into circulation. "No one will know" he thinks. When he enters the store he chose to start breaking them up, he tells the cashier, "I got these brand new, shiny 30 dollar bills, Can you break them for me?" She says, "Sure, do you want it in 15's or 6's?"
What's the difference between a fake dollar bill and a skinny p**...?
One's a phony buck
I walked into a public restroom
and saw a guy staring into a filthy toilet with a quarter at the bottom. He stood there looking conflicted for a minute, then pulled a twenty dollar bill from his wallet and threw it into the toilet. Then he reached into the muck and pulled out the twenty dollar bill and the quarter.
I asked him, "Why on earth would you throw twenty dollars into a filthy toilet?"
He replied, "Well, there's no way I was going to stick my hand in there for a lousy quarter!"
What did the Buddhist say to the tofu hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a twenty dollar bill. The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.
The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
Dollar bill With a COIN !! :D
"I was reading in the paper today that Congress wants to replace the dollar bill with a coin. They've already done it. It's called a nickel" -Jay Leno