The Best 82 Dogs Jokes

PETA is like a box of chocolates

They kill dogs

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

Fun Fact- Dogs make different noises according to where they are on Earth.

For example, a dog in Korea makes a sizzling noise.

Cops come to house to report my dogs.

The cops came to my house and said "We received a couple of calls saying that your dogs are chasing people on bikes."

I replied "Well that's a lie, my dogs don't have bikes."

90% of dogs in Korea are inbred...

I'm assuming that means like in a sandwich or something.

Pavlov is sitting at a bar...

...when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.

A dog goes into a hardware store...

...and says: I'd like a job please . The hardware store owner says: We don't hire talking dogs, why don't you go join the circus? The dog replies: What would the circus want with a plumber .

-Steven Alan Green

Little Johnny saw two dogs having sex in the park...

... so he asks his mother what's going on.

The mom isn't ready to have "that talk" yet, so she makes up a story. "Well, Johnny," she says, "the doggie in the back hurt its front paws, so the one in the front is helping him get home."

Johnny thinks about that for a moment and then says, "Wow, so dogs are just like people, aren't they?"

The mom is puzzled by that. "What do you mean, Johnny?"

"Well," says Johnnie, "you try to help someone and you just end up getting screwed."

• My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.

She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*

Two kids are watching 2 dogs making love.

The female kid asks:
> How do the dogs know when they want to have sex?

> The boy: I don't know... Maybe they smell it.

They sit and watch them a little more. And after a while the female kid asks:
>Do you have a runny nose?

It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs

I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, and I thought to myself,

Wow, dogs are easily entertained. Then I realized : I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.

Canine Names

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Isn't it obvious?" the second blonde responded. "They're watch dogs!"

What did the scientist who was conducting sexual experiments on dogs say to his partner?

"If you need me, I'll be in the lab."

A guy asks a librarian if she has a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat

She says, "It rings a bell but I can't be certain."

I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?

She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.

Dogs can't operate an Mri machines...

But catscan

An old Hitler joke

Some time ago, a medium contacted Hitler's spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what Hitler had to say.

"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".

"Why the two dogs?" the medium replied.

"See, nobody cares about the Jews!"

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

I was sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling my boxers off when...

...my wife said, "You spoil those dogs."

United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat.

The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."

My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with?

A dog, dogs eat meat

Dogs are the best. I have a lab.

It's a meth lab. But I guard it with pit bulls.

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

I treat my family like dogs.

With financial support and unconditional love.

A Scientist is with his peer

The peer asks the scientist, "What are you working on?"

The scientist says, "Its amazing. I taught a dog how to communicate to humans with morse code!"

The two walk down the hall to see the dog and the scientist gives the dog a command. The dogs taps his paw on the ground with intervals of time creating letters in morse code.

The peer says, "What is he saying?"

The scientist says, "Woof."

My date asked if I prefer cats or dogs.

I replied, "I don't even see them on the menu. What page are you on?"

Why are dogs afraid of outer space?

Because it's a vacuum.

In America, dogs are k-9s

But in China, dogs are e-10

I told my girlfriend that if she wanted her Hersheys bar she had to bark like a dog

After she did it, I proceeded to eat it explaining that chocolate wasn't good for dogs.

Why are dogs so bad at dancing?

Because they have 2 left feet.

Where do dogs get new tails?

The retail store

Women say all men are dogs

but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.

Why are hot dogs the weirdest dogs?

Because most of them are inbred.

Dogs can't get an MRI

But Catscan

Why are Asians so good at Math?

Their dogs can't eat their homework.

Did you know that dogs chase their tails clockwise in the southern hemisphere and counter-clockwise in the northern hemisphere?

It's called the Corgi-olis Effect.

How many dogs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Dogs already light up the room.

What is worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis.

Guy walks into bar

Wanting to know who owns the Great Dane tied up outside because his dog just killed said Great Dane.

A man at the bar stands up obviously perplexed and says what kind of dog do you have that it just killed my Great Dane?

Other man responds proudly he owns a Chiwawa.

You're saying your Chiwawa killed my Great Dane? Not really believing what he was hearing.

Yes other man responds my dog got lodged in your dogs throat

Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?

They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.

Dogs can't operate MRI scanners...

But catscan

I don't know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.

Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.

(NSFW)A little boy spotted two dogs having sex.

"Dad, dad! What are they doing!?"
"Well son, they are making a puppy."
Later that night the boy walked in on his parents having sex.
"Dad, dad! What are you doing?"
"We're making a baby!"
"Turn her over dad, I want a puppy!"

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.

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Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.

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Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.

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Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.

Why is it that your dogs have to be vaccinated to go to the park and daycare, but your kids don't have to be?

Because it's sad when a dog dies.

In America some dogs are K-9

In China some dogs are E-10

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

The World Health Organization has officially announced that dogs are not able to contract COVID-19 and have released them all from quarantine.

It's safe to say that WHO let the dogs out.

My neighbor just walked by with two dogs.

I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs."

He replied, "They're not my dogs. They're my sister's."

I said, "Wow, your sisters are ugly!"

The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.

WHO let the dogs out.

I went to get my hair cut today but there were so many in front of me.

After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.

It was the Best Barber Queue ever!

In America, dogs are K9.

In China, dogs are E10.

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Why do dogs float?

because they're good buoys

Pavlov's dogs have started a charity for the holidays...

It's called "The Salivation Army"

Quarantine has turned us into dogs.

We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

My girlfriends dog died recently

So to cheer her up I bought her another one just like it. It didn't work.

She said "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

Wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?

Me: They're for the dogs.

Wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

Me: They don't know how.

My girlfriend's dog died so I got her an identical one

She got even more upset and shouted at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

"What are your dogs names ?"

"Calvin and Klein"

"Like the underwear?"

"They are boxers."

Two dogs are sitting in a bar. The first says, "wanna hear a joke?" The second dog says "sure!" The first dog says "knock knock." The second says...

WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!

MI6, CIA and KGB are competing against each other...

Last competition. The mission is to find a bear in a 10000 sq/km forest
MI6 goes first. Using dogs and 1000 agents they have found a bear in 12 hours.
CIA goes next. Using satellites and heatvisors they found a bear in 6 hours
KGB goes last. Two agents enters a forest and came out of it in 5 minutes. One of them is holding a rabbit by his ears.
Judges- And?
One KGB agent hits a rabbit.
Rabbit - ok ok i confess i'm a bear!!!

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs. The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray, "Take only one. God is watching."

Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the hot dogs."

A group of dogs is a pack. A group of crows is a murder. What is a group of Karen's?

A Home Owners Association.

My uncle has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex

They are watch dogs

WHO and Covid 😛

The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

Did you know all dogs are made up of only 3 elements?

Calcium, nickel, neon

My neighbor has two German Shepards that he has named "Rolex" and "Timex"....

They're watch dogs

My girlfriend's dog died so I got her an identical one to try and cheer her up.

But it made her even more upset.

She screamed at me saying, What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?

In the northern hemisphere, small dogs chase their tails clockwise, but in the southern hemisphere, they chase them counter-clockwise.

This is due to the corgiolis effect.

K-9 Names

Working in the city we work hand in hand with the city police.
So the other day I saw the Sergeant walking 2 new K-9s. I asked her their names and she points to 1 and says this is Rolex and this pointing to the other dog is Timex.
Now I thought that was strange so I said don't you think that's strange names for dogs?
She said no they are watch dogs.

I haven't seen my wife in 2 days

I came home from work the other day and said, "It's raining cats and dogs out there!"

My wife asked, "Why do you say that?"

I said, "Because I just stepped into a poodle."



The swelling in my eyes has gone down enough that I think I'll be able to see her tonight.

4th of July picnic

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How was your 4th of July picnic?" the bartender asks. "Horrible. Everyone came down with food poisoning," the guy replies. "I knew the hot dogs might have gone bad, but turns out the brats were the wurst."

What does an Icelandic dogs bark sound like?

Björk

I was teaching my science class about Pavlov.

The students were laughing at the stupidity of the dogs.

Then the bell rang and they all got up and rushed to the canteen for lunch.

Cats are better than dogs

No way would a cat ever work with the cops.

A guy with 2 dogs walks into a bar

A guy walks into his local bar with two dogs. "I didn't know you had dogs," the bartender comments. "They're not my dogs," the guy replies. "They're my sister's." "Wow, your sisters are ugly," the bartender says.

Balls

Two guys were sitting on the porch. The one guys dog was licking its balls. The other guy said I wish I could do that. The dogs owner said well… he'd probably bite you .