The Best 82 Dogs Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Dogs jokes. There are some dogs doggy jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these dogs naming dogs puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Dogs Jokes and Puns
PETA is like a box of chocolates
They kill dogs
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.
She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
Fun Fact- Dogs make different noises according to where they are on Earth.
For example, a dog in Korea makes a sizzling noise.
Since we seem to be doing talking dog jokes today...
A man walks into a talent agency, carrying a small, scruffy looking dog. He sets the dog on the agent's desk and begins his speech:
"Sir, I have for you the most amazing act. This dog can speak. And not only can he speak, he's one of the most intelligent dogs you'll ever meet. Allow me to demonstrate: Dog, what is on the top of a house?"
"Roof!" Says the dog.
"Amazing! Dog: what is the opposite of smooth?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Incredible! Dog: who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"
Again, the dog says "Roof!"
"Remarkable! So what do you think?"
The agent leans back in his chair and says "Get lost. I can't sell that carny act."
Outside the agent's office, the dog looks up at the man and says "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"
Cops come to house to report my dogs.
The cops came to my house and said "We received a couple of calls saying that your dogs are chasing people on bikes."
I replied "Well that's a lie, my dogs don't have bikes."
Dogs vs Girlfriends
If you ever want to see who is more loyal, your dog or your girlfriend, just take both of them in their sleep and put them in the trunk of your car. Drive around for a couple of hours, park, open the trunk, and see which one will be happy to see you.
90% of dogs in Korea are inbred...
I'm assuming that means like in a sandwich or something.
Pavlov is sitting at a bar...
...when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.
A dog goes into a hardware store...
...and says: I'd like a job please . The hardware store owner says: We don't hire talking dogs, why don't you go join the circus? The dog replies: What would the circus want with a plumber .
-Steven Alan Green
Little Johnny saw two dogs having sex in the park...
... so he asks his mother what's going on.
The mom isn't ready to have "that talk" yet, so she makes up a story. "Well, Johnny," she says, "the doggie in the back hurt its front paws, so the one in the front is helping him get home."
Johnny thinks about that for a moment and then says, "Wow, so dogs are just like people, aren't they?"
The mom is puzzled by that. "What do you mean, Johnny?"
"Well," says Johnnie, "you try to help someone and you just end up getting screwed."
• My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.
She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*
You can explore dogs canine reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean dogs pets dad jokes. There are also dogs puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Two guys were walking their dogs....
Two guys were walking their dogs-one had a German Shepherd and the other had a Chihuahua. The man with the Shepherd suggested going into a bar for a drink. The other man says, "They're not going to let dogs into the bar." And the first guy says, "No? Watch this." So he puts on some dark glasses, acts like the German Shepherd is a seeing-eye dog, walks into the bar and orders a drink. And no one says anything. So the second guy takes out some dark glasses, slips them on, and walks his Chihuahua into the bar. The bartender says, "Sorry-we don't allow dogs in here." And the man says, "It's okay-it's my seeing-eye dog." The bartender laughs and says, "This Chihuahua is your seeing-eye dog?" And the guy says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"
Dog names
A guy asked his blonde friend, What are the names of your dogs?
The she responded that one was named Rolex and the other Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Helloooooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."
Two kids are watching 2 dogs making love.
The female kid asks:
> How do the dogs know when they want to have sex?
> The boy: I don't know... Maybe they smell it.
They sit and watch them a little more. And after a while the female kid asks:
>Do you have a runny nose?
It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs
I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, and I thought to myself,
Wow, dogs are easily entertained. Then I realized : I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.
Canine Names
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the second blonde responded. "They're watch dogs!"
What did the scientist who was conducting sexual experiments on dogs say to his partner?
"If you need me, I'll be in the lab."
A guy asks a librarian if she has a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat
She says, "It rings a bell but I can't be certain."
I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?
She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.
Dogs can't operate an Mri machines...
But catscan
Finally bought a puppy for the wife and I, but it turns out my wife's allergic to dogs, so we had to get rid of her.
The dog and I live happily together now.
An old Hitler joke
Some time ago, a medium contacted Hitler's spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what Hitler had to say.
"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".
"Why the two dogs?" the medium replied.
"See, nobody cares about the Jews!"
"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"
"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."
"Why the two dogs?"
"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"
I was sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling my boxers off when...
...my wife said, "You spoil those dogs."
United States
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat.
The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."
Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs?
Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.
My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with?
A dog, dogs eat meat
Dogs are the best. I have a lab.
It's a meth lab. But I guard it with pit bulls.
My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.
She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.
I treat my family like dogs.
With financial support and unconditional love.
A Scientist is with his peer
The peer asks the scientist, "What are you working on?"
The scientist says, "Its amazing. I taught a dog how to communicate to humans with morse code!"
The two walk down the hall to see the dog and the scientist gives the dog a command. The dogs taps his paw on the ground with intervals of time creating letters in morse code.
The peer says, "What is he saying?"
The scientist says, "Woof."
My date asked if I prefer cats or dogs.
I replied, "I don't even see them on the menu. What page are you on?"
Why are dogs afraid of outer space?
Because it's a vacuum.
In America, dogs are k-9s
But in China, dogs are e-10
I told my girlfriend that if she wanted her Hersheys bar she had to bark like a dog
After she did it, I proceeded to eat it explaining that chocolate wasn't good for dogs.
Why are dogs so bad at dancing?
Because they have 2 left feet.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops...
They duck into an abandoned warehouse, each find a an empty sack, and climb into it.
Cops follow and poke the bag with the brunette. The brunette goes woof! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of dogs, and walks on.
They poke the bag with the redhead. The redhead goes meow! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of cats, and walks on.
They poke the bag with the blonde and the blonde goes Potato. Potato.
Where do dogs get new tails?
The retail store
Women say all men are dogs
but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.
Why are hot dogs the weirdest dogs?
Because most of them are inbred.
Dogs can't get an MRI
But Catscan
Why are Asians so good at Math?
Their dogs can't eat their homework.
Did you know that dogs chase their tails clockwise in the southern hemisphere and counter-clockwise in the northern hemisphere?
It's called the Corgi-olis Effect.
How many dogs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Dogs already light up the room.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Guy walks into bar
Wanting to know who owns the Great Dane tied up outside because his dog just killed said Great Dane.
A man at the bar stands up obviously perplexed and says what kind of dog do you have that it just killed my Great Dane?
Other man responds proudly he owns a Chiwawa.
You're saying your Chiwawa killed my Great Dane? Not really believing what he was hearing.
Yes other man responds my dog got lodged in your dogs throat
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
Dogs can't operate MRI scanners...
But catscan
I don't know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.
Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.
(NSFW)A little boy spotted two dogs having sex.
"Dad, dad! What are they doing!?"
"Well son, they are making a puppy."
Later that night the boy walked in on his parents having sex.
"Dad, dad! What are you doing?"
"We're making a baby!"
"Turn her over dad, I want a puppy!"
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt...
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.
Pets are like countries.
Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.
Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.
Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.
Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.
How do dogs always know who is barking?
They have collar ID
Why is it that your dogs have to be vaccinated to go to the park and daycare, but your kids don't have to be?
Because it's sad when a dog dies.
In America some dogs are K-9
In China some dogs are E-10
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset.
She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
Jokes
Vegan hot dogs are basically the strap on of food .
You want the sausage but not the meat
The World Health Organization has officially announced that dogs are not able to contract COVID-19 and have released them all from quarantine.
It's safe to say that WHO let the dogs out.
My neighbor just walked by with two dogs.
I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs."
He replied, "They're not my dogs. They're my sister's."
I said, "Wow, your sisters are ugly!"
The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.
WHO let the dogs out.
I went to get my hair cut today but there were so many in front of me.
After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.
It was the Best Barber Queue ever!
In America, dogs are K9.
In China, dogs are E10.
2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,
''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
A woman walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat?"
The librarian replies, "It rings a bell, but I don't know if it's here or not."
Why do dogs float?
because they're good buoys
I sat on the edge of the bed last night, pulling off my boxers, the wife leans in and says:
You spoil those dogs ....
Pavlov's dogs have started a charity for the holidays...
It's called "The Salivation Army"
Quarantine has turned us into dogs.
We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
My girlfriends dog died recently
So to cheer her up I bought her another one just like it. It didn't work.
She said "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
Why don't blind people go skydiving?
It scares the shit out of their dogs.
Wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
Me: They're for the dogs.
Wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
Me: They don't know how.
My girlfriend's dog died so I got her an identical one
She got even more upset and shouted at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
Pete Townshend and Keith Moon were arrested last night after releasing 1000 pugs from a cosmetic company's testing facility.
The Who let the dogs out.
What do dogs do after finishing training classes ?
They get their masters.
Where do you live?
\- London
\- Where in London?
\- Isle of dogs
\- I love them too! But where do you live in London?
I named my dogs Timex and Rolex ...
They're my watchdogs
I love jokes about sheep dogs..
I won't be satisfied until I've herd them all.
A soldier, airman, marine, and a sailor walk into a bar...
The soldier boasts, "Our camouflage is so good, we put 50 men in the desert and only 20 were found."
The airman retorts, "That's nothing. Our camouflage is so effective, we put 50 jets in the sky, and only 15 were found!"
The marine says, with a big grin, "Amateurs, our camouflage is so superior, we put 50 devil dogs in the jungle, and only 10 were found!"
Finally, a clearly distraught sailor on his 6th shot of whiskey says, "Our camouflage was so terrible, we pushed 50 sailors into the ocean, and only 5 were found."
A 70 year old man asked his wife: "do you feel sad when u see me running after the young girls?"
wife replied : no, not at all. every dogs chase cars they can't drive
Having puppies
**Three dogs are at the vet's. Talking dog talk.**
Rover, "Why are you guys here?"
Sparky, "I been peeing all over the house. I'm going to get my nuts cut off." Ruff.
Barky, "I growl at everything. I'm going to get my nuts cut off. Ruff.
How about you Rover?"
Rover, "Well, my mistress was getting out of the shower yesterday, I love her *sooo* much. *Ah-Rooo*. Seeing her naked, bent over drying her foot, well, I jumped on. "
The other two - "So you're getting you nuts cut off too?"
Rover, "Hell no! I'm getting my nails trimmed."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the dogs doggie jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working dogs chihuahuas piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.