Dogs Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Dogs puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Dogs

PETA is like a box of chocolates

They kill dogs

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

In America, dogs are k-9s

But in China, dogs are e-10

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with?

A dog, dogs eat meat

β€’ My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.

She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*

Dogs are the best. I have a lab.

It's a meth lab. But I guard it with pit bulls.

Pavlov is sitting at a bar...

...when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.

United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

Dogs can't operate an Mri machines...

But catscan

Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?

They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.

I was sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling my boxers off when...

...my wife said, "You spoil those dogs."

Canine Names

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Isn't it obvious?" the second blonde responded. "They're watch dogs!"

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat.

The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."

Dogs can't operate MRI scanners...

But catscan

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

I told my girlfriend that if she wanted her Hersheys bar she had to bark like a dog

After she did it, I proceeded to eat it explaining that chocolate wasn't good for dogs.

Why are hot dogs the weirdest dogs?

Because most of them are inbred.

Fun Fact- Dogs make different noises according to where they are on Earth.

For example, a dog in Korea makes a sizzling noise.

I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, and I thought to myself,

Wow, dogs are easily entertained. Then I realized : I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.

An old Hitler joke

Some time ago, a medium contacted Hitler's spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what Hitler had to say.

"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".

"Why the two dogs?" the medium replied.

"See, nobody cares about the Jews!"

Where do dogs get new tails?

The retail store

In America some dogs are K-9

In China some dogs are E-10

Women say all men are dogs

but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.

What did the scientist who was conducting sexual experiments on dogs say to his partner?

"If you need me, I'll be in the lab."

What is worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis.

Dogs can't get an MRI

But Catscan

Why are dogs afraid of outer space?

Because it's a vacuum.

I don't know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.

Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.

My date asked if I prefer cats or dogs.

I replied, "I don't even see them on the menu. What page are you on?"

Why are Asians so good at Math?

Their dogs can't eat their homework.

The World Health Organization has officially announced that dogs are not able to contract COVID-19 and have released them all from quarantine.

It's safe to say that WHO let the dogs out.

Did you know that dogs chase their tails clockwise in the southern hemisphere and counter-clockwise in the northern hemisphere?

It's called the Corgi-olis Effect.

It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.



Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.



Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.



Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.

Two kids are watching 2 dogs making love.

The female kid asks:
> How do the dogs know when they want to have sex?


> The boy: I don't know... Maybe they smell it.


They sit and watch them a little more. And after a while the female kid asks:
>Do you have a runny nose?

Why is it that your dogs have to be vaccinated to go to the park and daycare, but your kids don't have to be?

Because it's sad when a dog dies.

A guy asks a librarian if she has a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat

She says, "It rings a bell but I can't be certain."

How many dogs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Dogs already light up the room.

I treat my family like dogs.

With financial support and unconditional love.

90% of dogs in Korea are inbred...

I'm assuming that means like in a sandwich or something.

Why are dogs so bad at dancing?

Because they have 2 left feet.

A Scientist is with his peer

The peer asks the scientist, "What are you working on?"

The scientist says, "Its amazing. I taught a dog how to communicate to humans with morse code!"

The two walk down the hall to see the dog and the scientist gives the dog a command. The dogs taps his paw on the ground with intervals of time creating letters in morse code.

The peer says, "What is he saying?"

The scientist says, "Woof."

A dog goes into a hardware store...

...and says: I'd like a job please . The hardware store owner says: We don't hire talking dogs, why don't you go join the circus? The dog replies: What would the circus want with a plumber .

-Steven Alan Green

I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?

She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.

(NSFW)A little boy spotted two dogs having sex.

"Dad, dad! What are they doing!?"
"Well son, they are making a puppy."
Later that night the boy walked in on his parents having sex.
"Dad, dad! What are you doing?"
"We're making a baby!"
"Turn her over dad, I want a puppy!"

Guy walks into bar

Wanting to know who owns the Great Dane tied up outside because his dog just killed said Great Dane.

A man at the bar stands up obviously perplexed and says what kind of dog do you have that it just killed my Great Dane?

Other man responds proudly he owns a Chiwawa.

You're saying your Chiwawa killed my Great Dane? Not really believing what he was hearing.

Yes other man responds my dog got lodged in your dogs throat

Cops come to house to report my dogs.

The cops came to my house and said "We received a couple of calls saying that your dogs are chasing people on bikes."

I replied "Well that's a lie, my dogs don't have bikes."

Dog names

A guy asked his blonde friend, What are the names of your dogs?

The she responded that one was named Rolex and the other Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Helloooooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."

Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs?

Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.

Dogs vs Girlfriends

If you ever want to see who is more loyal, your dog or your girlfriend, just take both of them in their sleep and put them in the trunk of your car. Drive around for a couple of hours, park, open the trunk, and see which one will be happy to see you.

Jokes

Vegan hot dogs are basically the strap on of food .




You want the sausage but not the meat

How do dogs always know who is barking?

They have collar ID

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops...

They duck into an abandoned warehouse, each find a an empty sack, and climb into it.

Cops follow and poke the bag with the brunette. The brunette goes woof! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of dogs, and walks on.

They poke the bag with the redhead. The redhead goes meow! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of cats, and walks on.

They poke the bag with the blonde and the blonde goes Potato. Potato.

Little Johnny saw two dogs having sex in the park...

... so he asks his mother what's going on.

The mom isn't ready to have "that talk" yet, so she makes up a story. "Well, Johnny," she says, "the doggie in the back hurt its front paws, so the one in the front is helping him get home."

Johnny thinks about that for a moment and then says, "Wow, so dogs are just like people, aren't they?"

The mom is puzzled by that. "What do you mean, Johnny?"

"Well," says Johnnie, "you try to help someone and you just end up getting screwed."

Since we seem to be doing talking dog jokes today...

A man walks into a talent agency, carrying a small, scruffy looking dog. He sets the dog on the agent's desk and begins his speech:

"Sir, I have for you the most amazing act. This dog can speak. And not only can he speak, he's one of the most intelligent dogs you'll ever meet. Allow me to demonstrate: Dog, what is on the top of a house?"

"Roof!" Says the dog.

"Amazing! Dog: what is the opposite of smooth?"

"Roof!" the dog replies.

"Incredible! Dog: who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"

Again, the dog says "Roof!"

"Remarkable! So what do you think?"

The agent leans back in his chair and says "Get lost. I can't sell that carny act."

Outside the agent's office, the dog looks up at the man and says "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog
while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage,
as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection
and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.

Finally bought a puppy for the wife and I, but it turns out my wife's allergic to dogs, so we had to get rid of her.

The dog and I live happily together now.

Two guys were walking their dogs....

Two guys were walking their dogs-one had a German Shepherd and the other had a Chihuahua. The man with the Shepherd suggested going into a bar for a drink. The other man says, "They're not going to let dogs into the bar." And the first guy says, "No? Watch this." So he puts on some dark glasses, acts like the German Shepherd is a seeing-eye dog, walks into the bar and orders a drink. And no one says anything. So the second guy takes out some dark glasses, slips them on, and walks his Chihuahua into the bar. The bartender says, "Sorry-we don't allow dogs in here." And the man says, "It's okay-it's my seeing-eye dog." The bartender laughs and says, "This Chihuahua is your seeing-eye dog?" And the guy says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

Just got a joke after 2 weeks.

Pavlov is sitting down reading a book. All of the sudden the phone rings and he says "Fuck,I forgot to feed the dogs .

So there is a mother and her daughter sitting on the plane.

They haven't taken off yet and are still on the runway. The daughter, who is pretty young, say four or five, looks out the window and gets to thinking....

"Mommy. If big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens, then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"

And the mom, she's hungover and jet lagged.

"aw, baby, just go ask the stewardess"

So the daughter gets up to ask the flight attendant.

"Hey stewardess lady, if big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"

And the stewardss says "did your mother tell you to come ask me this?" The girl nods.

"well, you see, sweetheart, this is JetBlue. And we always pull out on time. That's why there's no baby airplanes. Go ask your mom about that."

What do all dogs get with their phones?

Collar ID

Mother & Daughter Are on a Plane...

Mother & daughter are on a plane. Daughter asks mother, "Mommy, if big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother stumbled and didn't have an answer for that one so she desperately looks around and replies, "I don't know sweetie, why don't you go ask that nice flight attendant, I'm sure she'll have an answer."

So the little girl goes up the the flight attendant and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, then why don't big planes have baby planes?"

Immediately the flight attendant is suspicious, "Did your mother tell you to come over here and ask me that?"... "Yep", answers the little girl.

So the flight attendant thinks on it for a few seconds then kneels down to the daughters level.

"You go over there and you tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

:)

Dogs can't read MRI's...

...but cats can.

Doggy style

A young boy and his father are walking through a park when they see two dogs doing the dirty.
Boy: "Daddy, what are they doing?"
Dad: "Oh...uh...they're just making a puppy."
Later that night daddy and mommy put the boy to sleep and go off to their bedroom. After a couple glasses of wine they get at it. Suddenly the door opens and their son is standing at the foot of the bed.
Boy: "Daddy, what are you and mommy doing?"
Dad: "Oh...We're just making a baby."
Boy: "Well turn mommy over because I want a puppy."

Don't be sad...

Don't be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can't fly.

A mother and her son are sitting in an airplane.

The kid looks up and asks, "Mommy? If big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"

Mom thinks to herself that he is too young and she doesn't want to get into this so she tells the boy, "Go ask the flight attendant; maybe she can answer that for you."

So, he walks up and asks, "Ma'am, if big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"

She had overheard the mother's attempt to pass this off and replies, "Tell your mom that I said it's because Southwest airlines always pulls out on time and have her explain that to you..."

A cowboy is riding his horse in the desert...

next to them his dog is running along. Suddenly the dog says:"I'm so hot right now. I cant take it anymore". The surprised cowboy looked at the dog and said: "Wow!I didn't know dogs could talk". Then suddenly the horse says: "Neither did I!!"

Two guys and their dogs are walking down the street...

...one's got a german shepherd and the other's got a chihuahua.

They get hungry so the german shepherd guy suggests they grab a bite to eat at the restaurant on the corner, but his friend says, "They won't let us into a restaurant with our dogs!"

"Just follow my lead," says the first guy.

He walks up and the maitre'd says, "What are you, nuts?! You can't come in here with a dog!"

"But it's a seeing eye dog," the guy with the german shepherd explains.

"Oh, excuse me, now I understand. Go right ahead," says the maitre'd.

The next guy walks up and the maitre'd stops him too. "You can't come in here with a dog!"

Following his friend's cue the guy says, "But it's a seeing eye dog!"

The maitre'd looks skeptical and says, "Sir - that's no seeing eye dog. It's just a chihuahua."

The guy jumps back in shock... "WHAT!? They gave me a chihuahua!!?"

It's raining cats and dogs outside. Know how I can tell?

I stepped in a poodle.

Southwest

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "yes she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."

Woman can't get mating dogs apart

A woman had two dogs that she hadn't had fixed, but always kept them from mating. One night she wakes up at 2 AM to this terrible howling.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and is unable to separate them.

She called her vet ,who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.

Do you think that will work? she asked.

Just worked for me, he replied.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes