Dog Sitting Jokes

119 dog sitting jokes and hilarious dog sitting puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dog sitting that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Dog Sitting Short Jokes

Short dog sitting jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dog sitting humour may include short dog eating jokes also.

  1. Pavlov is sitting at a bar... ...when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.
  2. Two dogs are sitting in a bar. The first says, "wanna hear a joke?" The second dog says "sure!" The first dog says "knock knock." The second says... WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!
  3. I was sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling my boxers off when... wife said, "You spoil those dogs."
  4. Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack
  5. "You treat me like a dog," said my wife.... "We need to sit and talk about it right now," she continued.
    "Ok," I replied, "but not on the sofa."
  6. A man goes to the movies and sees a large dog sitting next to a woman watching the film He says to her "I am surprised your dog is enjoying this movie"
    The woman replies "Me too, he hated the book"
  7. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west... and sits down. He looks around and then says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
  8. At the tube station earlier I saw a homeless man sitting on the floor with a three legged dog next to a sign that read: Help, I'm starving. He can't be that hungry, he hasn't even finished his dog.
  9. Two cowboys sitting on a fence watching a dog lick his nuts.. One says to the other, "man I wish I could do that" then the other says, "doncha think you should at least pet him first"
  10. Two Dogs talking. Dog one: Why are all of the humans wearing muzzles?
    Dog two: Because they broke the rules and didn't sit and stay....

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Dog Sitting One Liners

Which dog sitting one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dog sitting? I can suggest the ones about dog tail and dog smiles.

  1. Dogs can never sit still during an MRI ... only catscan!
  2. What happens to Pastors who eat chili dogs? They have to sit in their own pew.
  3. A Dyslexic Christian Sitting on the edge of the bed praying to Dog
  4. What does a dog say when he sits down on a piece of sandpaper? Ruff!
  5. In which rotation, Dose the dog sits? In his last?
  6. Why did the dog sit in the shade? Because he didn't want to be a hot dog!
  7. We once let a Chinese man baby-sit our dog We never saw him again.
    The man, not the dog.
  8. My brother made his dog sit the exam for him. It left a lot to be answered.
  9. What did the dog sitting on sandpaper say? Ruff!
  10. What do men do sitting up, women do sitting down, and dogs do on two legs? Shake hands.
  11. My dog just sit there staring at me. It's my biggest pet peeve.
  12. I finally figured out why you see dogs sitting on top of their doghouse. Gravity
  13. what do you call a dog who sits on a bench and reads his newspaper? a human-dog xDDD
  14. My dog sits outside my parents room when they're intercoursing...
  15. I told my dog to sit . . . . . . but he half-assed it.

Dog Sitting Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about dog sitting you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dog name jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dog sitting pranks.

A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere.

Everytime the man moved close to the sheep, his dog would snarl and growl at him.
One day while walking the island he discovered a lovely n**... lady who also had just become marooned.
"Finally, some company!" he thought.
While sitting on the shore and the watching the sunset with his new female friend, he slowly leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Hey, could you go walk the dog?"

When I graduated from highschool, I was so poor and couldn't afford college.
So my parents sent me to dog training school.
I learned a lot when I was there.
Sit, stay, roll over.
I haven't quite got the fetching part down.
They say I'm a little rough around the edges.

A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
"Sure," I said, "as long as you provide your own kennel."
I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed: "I'll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!"

So there is a mother and her daughter sitting on the plane.

They haven't taken off yet and are still on the runway. The daughter, who is pretty young, say four or five, looks out the window and gets to thinking....
"Mommy. If big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens, then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the mom, she's hungover and jet lagged.
"aw, baby, just go ask the stewardess"
So the daughter gets up to ask the flight attendant.
"Hey stewardess lady, if big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the stewardss says "did your mother tell you to come ask me this?" The girl nods.
"well, you see, sweetheart, this is JetBlue. And we always pull out on time. That's why there's no baby airplanes. Go ask your mom about that."

Blind man walks into a bar..

He sits down, pint for him, shandy for the dog. The bar man asks him "So fella, what ya been up to recently?"
"Skydiving" said the blind man.
"Skydiving?!" said the barman astonished "How long have you been doing that now?"
"A few months now, did my first solo jump there last weekend."
"That's amazing." said the barman still astonished, "Tell me this though, how do you know you're getting near the ground?"
"Oh that's easy." says the blind man. "I wait for the dog's lead to go slack."

Joe went over to his buddy Bob's house to hang-out and watch football ...

As they were sitting in the living room, Bob's dog walked into the room, laid down on the floor, and began to lick its nuts. Joe looked down at the dog and said "Man, I wish I could do that." To which Bob replied, "Don't you think you ought to at least pet him first."

Two Drunks and a Dog

Two extremely drunk men were stumbling toward home after leaving the bar one night. As they staggered through the backstreets they noticed a dog sitting on his front porch giving his tackle a hearty tongue bath. One of the men turns to the other and says
"You know, I wish I could to do that."
To which the second replies
"I bet if you ask him nicely he very well might let you."

There once were two drunk guys..

They were sitting outside, when a dog comes along and started l**... his nuts.
The first guy leans over to his buddy and says " Hey man, I wish I could do that."
To which his friend replies, " Don't you think you ought to pet it first"

Two homeless men...

were sitting under a bridge watching a dog lick its c**....
One of the men said, "I wish I could do that!"
To which the other replied, "Oh no you don't! He took a bite outta my arm the last time I tried!"

Does your dog bite?

Man walking in a park, sees a woman sitting on a bench with a dog at her feet. He walks up to her...
Man: *Does your dog bite?*
Woman: *No*
Man goes and pets the dog, then...
*OUCH!!! I thought you said your dog didn't bite!!!*
Woman: *That's not my dog.*

The intelligent dog

Roxy, a large black Labrador, was sitting up in his seat at the movies, wagging his tail, growling at the villain and barking excitedly at the hero's escapades. The woman in the seat behind him was intrigued.
Excuse me, she said, tapping Roxy's owner on the shoulder, that dog is extraordinary. I've never seen anything like it!
Yes, he's surprised me, too, said the owner. He hated the book.

A business was looking for office help and puts a sign on the window

The sign reads: "HELP WANTED: We are an equal opportunity employer looking for someone good with computers, Word, Excel and is bilingual"
One day a dog walks up, sees the sign and goes inside. He looks at the receptionist, looks back at the sign and barks.
Figuring out what the dog came here for, the receptionist gets the office manager, who looks at the dog surprised. However, the dog looked so confident that the manager leads him into the office, where the dog jumps on a chair and looks at the manager. The manager sits down, looks back at the dog and says "I can't hire you, the sign says that you have to be able to use a computer and Word."
The dog jumps down, walks to a computer and begins to create a word document, drafting a letter for the manager. Caught off guard but unconvinced, the manager says "The sign also says you have to be good with excel."
The dog then goes on to create a perfect spreadsheet that works flawlessly the first time.
Dumb-founded, the manager looks at the dog and says "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog with some interesting abilities. However, I still can't hire you."
The dog jumps down and walks over to a copy of the sign, putting his paw on the phrase "Equal Opportunity Employer".
The manager says "Yes, we are an equal opportunity employer. However, the sign also says you need to be bilingual." The dog looks at the manager confidently and says, "Meow."

A classic...

A man is sitting on a park bench, enjoying the day. Next to him sits a dog.
A jogger comes by and asks, "Does your dog bite?"
"No," replies the man.
The jogger reaches over to pet the dog, who promptly bites him.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" exclaims the jogger, nursing his hand.
The man looks up at the jogger and says, "I lied."

Does your dog bite?

A man walks in the park and sees a man with a dog sitting on a bench.
"Does your dog bite?", asks the first man.
The man proceeds to pet the dog, but the dog bites him.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!", he says quite angry.
"This is not my dog."
My mom told me this joke, it's from one of the films of 'pink panther'. I've never seen the film though.

Dog at the bar

A man's sitting next to a dog at the bar
Woman walks in, "Is your dog friendly? I'm a dog lover, can I pet him?"
Man replies "sure"
Dog proceeds to bite woman
Irate woman to the man, "I thought you said your dog was friendly! "
Man replies, "That aint my dog"

I wouldn't do that if I were you!

Two r**... were sitting on a porch.
A dog walks up on the front lawn and takes a seat. It starts to lick himself. The one readneck looks to other and says, "man, I sure wish I could do that"
The other r**... says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you..that dog will bite you"

A man with a dog and a cat walks into a bar...

The man, the dog, and the cat all sit down at the bar and the bartender says "What can I get you?" The dog looks squarely at the bartender and says I'll take a v**..., the guy will take a water, and the cat will take a scotch." The bartender looks absolutely shocked at the dog and says "This is AMAZING! You're a dog that can talk..." The guy looks at the bartender, and says "Don't be fooled, the cat is a ventriloquist."

Just got a joke after 2 weeks.

Pavlov is sitting down reading a book. All of the sudden the phone rings and he says "f**...,I forgot to feed the dogs .

My best friend slept with my girlfriend.

A man was sitting in a bar feeling depressed.
Bartender: Whats wrong man?
Man: I found my best friend in bed with my girlfriend...
Bartender:What did you do?
Man: I kicked her out of my house and broke up with her.
Bartender: No, what did you do to your best friend?
Man: I pointed my finger at him and said "Bad dog".

Guy sits down at a diner

He is looking at the menu deciding what he wants when the person next to him orders a double cheeseburger. The waitress takes the order and pulls two frozen burger patties from the freezer. She sticks one under each armpit.
The guy asks what she is doing. She shrugs and says "defrosting the meat". The guy thinks for a minute and says "I'll have the hot dog".

There is a dog in the front yard l**... himself.

Two old men sitting on the front porch. There is a dog in the front yard that is l**... himself.
First man, "I wish I could do that."
Second man, "That dog would bite you!"

Translated from danish: 2 drunk sits in a bar.

One says: My dog keeps chasing people on a bicycle.....
The other guy things for a bit then replies: Then why don't you take the bicycle from it?.... (c:

Two drunks are walking down the street...

...when they come across a dog, sitting on the kerb, l**... it's privates.
They watch for a while before one of them says "I wish I could do that."
The other looks at him and says, "Wouldn't you like to make friends with him first?"

2 old men and an old dog are sitting on a porch

The dog is going to town cleaning his t**.... One old guy looks at the other and says, "I'd give just about anything to be able to do that." The other old guy looks at him with a very worried look on his face and replies, "that dog will BITE you."

Policeman stops car on highway...

Only to see dog behind the wheel with man sitting next to him.
"You can't just let your dog drive your car!" says policeman
"I can't really say anything sir, I'm just an hitchhiker"

Two kids are watching 2 dogs making love.

The female kid asks:
> How do the dogs know when they want to have s**...?
> The boy: I don't know... Maybe they smell it.
They sit and watch them a little more. And after a while the female kid asks:
>Do you have a runny nose?

The firefighters dog

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"

"It's been proven that 9 out of 10 single women who .....

"It's been proven that 9 out of 10 single women who sit at home and have conversations with their cats are mentally disturbed."
My dog's full of useful information like that.

My Dad just told me this joke.

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy sitting next to a dog at the bar table. He comes over to the guy and says "Hey, does your dog bite?" "No" the man replies. He claps the dog and it bites his hand aggressively, blood everywhere. "Ahh! I thought you said your dog doesnt bite!?" "....Thats not my dog" replies the man.

Apparently a dog whistle in inaudible to the human ear.

Just think, my pet could be sitting in front of me whistling a tune and I can't hear a thing.

What does the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."
The vendor makes him the hot dog and the Buddhist hands him a $20 bill. The vendor hands him his hot dog and then the Buddhist sits down at a nearby table to enjoy it. Soon after, to the Buddhist's dismay, he realizes the vendor hasn't been forthcoming with the rest of his money. He knows the hot dog couldn't have been $20, so the Buddhist approaches the vendor and says:
"Excuse me, where's my change?"
To which the vendor replies:
"Change comes only from within."

This is how good my dog is, LOL.

I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.

Why did the dog sit in the shade?

It didn't want to be a hotdog.
*ba dum tsss
*ba dum tish

A man goes to see a film alone...

...and sits down next to a young boy, who has a golden retriever sitting on the seat aside him.
The film starts, but the man has a hard time paying attention. As the film progresses, his focus is increasingly diverted to the young boy and his golden retriever. The dog is laughing uproariously during all the funny scenes, gasping and pointing during all the shocking scenes, wooping and hurrahing during all the action scenes, and gently sobbing during all the dramatic scenes. By the end of the film, the man is utterly awestruck by this wondrous animal.
As the film draws to a close and the credits begin to roll, the man leans over and addresses the boy: "That animal of yours is absolutely amazing! He laughed, he cried, he gasped, he cheered. He enjoyed the film on every level that it could possibly be enjoyed. I am thoroughly impressed".
The boy says: "I'm impressed too! He hated the book..."

Two older gentlemen are sitting in the patio drinking coffee. one of the gentlemen is accompanied by his dog.

The dog starts l**... himself and the dogless gentlemen says: I wish I could do that. The dog owner replies: you might want to pet him first.

A man went to see a shrink

He entered the room and remained standing by the door.
"I'm here because my wife treats me like a dog" the man said.
"Ok" the shrink replied, "Come and sit on this sofa and we can talk some more about this problem".
"No, i can't" said the man... "I'm not allowed on the sofa"

An Indian Chief is sitting under a tree...

An Indian Chief and his son are sitting under a tree, looking out over the plains when his son asks: "Father, why is sister named, Running Deer?"
Chief: "Because, my son, when she was being born I looked out of the teepee and saw a deer running."
Son: "Father, why is brother called Charging Bull?"
Chief: "Because my son, when he was being born I looked out of the teepee and saw a bull running. Why do you ask, p**... Dog?

Guy walks into a bar.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender notices the guy and says "are you okay? You look terrible!" The guy says "yeah, i had kind of a rough night last night. I drank way too much and blew chunks." "Well that doesn't sound so bad" says the bartender. And then the guy says "no you don't understand. Chunks is my dog."

A golden retriever walks into a bar

Stop reading if you heard this one before. The dog sits at the bar, locks eyes with the bartender and wearily says "One beer, one shot, please."
The bartender says "Holy moly! A talking dog! You should be in the circus, buddy!"
The goldie says "Why? Do they need an electrician?"

A pirate is sitting at a bar...

In walks in a civil rights activist, a communist, and a dog.
The pirate says, "Well, today's my lucky day! X, Marx, and the Spot!"

I gave my dog my Netflix password

Which ended up being problematic. See, I'm raising him to be an atheist. I came home one day to find him sitting on the couch upset. He said "My whole life is a lie, you've lying to me. I just found out where all dogs go."

A man goes to the doctor

and says "Doc, I beleive I am a dog"
Doctor says "Okay, well sit on the couch and we'll talk about it."
Man says "I'm not allowed on the couch."

Hot dogs

Two foreigners arrive in America for the first time, in New York City. They step out into the city and see a hot dog stand. One says to the other "wow - they eat dogs in America? Well I guess we should give it a try". They each get a hot dog and sit down to eat. After a minute of just staring at his hot dog, one turns to the other and says "hey... what part did you get?".

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender

"Give me two beers. Rough day at work."
And the bartender says, "Oh? what do you do?"
The guy says, "I take care of the Corgis - you know, the dogs that the royal family owns."
The bartender says, "Tough job, huh?"
The guy says, "Well, all that in-breeding has led to low intelligence
and bad temperament. And the dogs aren't that smart either."

Pavlov's dog

Pavlov is sitting down. His phone rings. He stands and says, "I forgot to feed my dog."

Just before bedtime ,I'm sitting at the edge of the bed pulling my boxers off.....

My wife says "you spoil those dogs"

Dog bite

A boy sees a man sitting on a park bench with a dog laying next to him. The boy asks the man, "does your dog bite?" The man replies "no." The boy goes over to pet the dog, who then jumps up and bites the boy's hand. With tears in his eyes, the boy cries "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The man responds "I lied."

Entering a friend's home for his weekly poker game, Slick is amazed to see a dog sitting at the table.

He's even more surprised when the dog wins the first hand with a full house, and takes the second with a royal flush.
"This is unreal," Slick says after the dog wins the next two hands. "He's got to be only dog in the world that can play like that."
"Aw, he's not so great," says the host. "There's a dog in Las Vegas who doesn't wag his tail every time he gets a good hand."

I stop and rest on a park bench....

After a while a blind old black man come and sits next to me with his guard dog, he keeps cursing and grunting so i ask him whats wrong "ahh my blasted wife has been cheating on me with my neighbour and shes taking half the house in the divorce, i didnt see it coming" he says, i chuckle a little at his bad taste joke, then he says "yeah you right son, it could be worse, i could be black"


Two buddies were drinking while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it d**...?" Asked the one.
"Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, k**..., huh?"
"Well, not exactly..."
"I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

Two men saw a dog l**... his chimchilly...

Two men were walking home one day. They saw a Pitbul happily sitting on the grass, l**... his private parts, cleaning himself.
The one man turned to his friend, "Dude, I wish I could do that."
His friend turned to him, with a worried look on his face, "But aren't you scared the dog will bite you?"

Two men and a dog sitting out on the porch.

The dog is l**... itself.
One man says to the other, "I wish I could do that!" He responds "he'll bite you."

A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.
The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"
"Not at all," the woman replied.
The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.

What is it a man does standing, a woman does sitting and a dog does with one leg lifted?

Shake hands

Laughing Dog

A man walks into the cinema with a dog. They start watching the movie (a comedy) and laugh and laugh all the way through it.
When the lights go up, a woman who was sitting in the row behind tapped the man on the shoulder and said:
" I must say I was really surprised to hear your dog laughing all through the film.
"So was I" replied the man, " He hated the book!"

A man was eating a hotdog...

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Immediately the little dog began to bark at the man while he ate.
The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"
"Not at all." the woman replied.
The man picked up the dog and tossed him over a wall.

A mother and her son are sitting in an airplane.

The kid looks up and asks, "Mommy? If big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"
Mom thinks to herself that he is too young and she doesn't want to get into this so she tells the boy, "Go ask the flight attendant; maybe she can answer that for you."
So, he walks up and asks, "Ma'am, if big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"
She had overheard the mother's attempt to pass this off and replies, "Tell your mom that I said it's because Southwest airlines always pulls out on time and have her explain that to you..."

Two dogs are sitting outside

One is wearing the cone of shame and the other is not
The dog wearing the cone says to the other,
"Hey Bob, I'm going to have to ask you do me a favor"

Old western stranger

An old man sitting at the edge of an old western town sees a silhouette approaching from the dusty horizon. Its not long before he realizes that it is a 3 legged dog limping toward him. The old man shouts a warning to the dog "we dont take kindly to strangers around here". The 3 legged dog limps like john wayne while slowly raising his gaze up to look straight into the old mans eyes with a piercing stare and says" Im lookin for the man who shot my paw"

Two guys walk into a bar...

They look around, and see that at one table, there's a rabbi, a priest, and an imman. At another there's an Irishman, a Scottsman, and a Brit. At a third there's a blonde, a brunette, and a readhead. Up at the bar, sits a dog with a bandaged paw.

Guy looks to his friend and says, 'What is this, some kind of joke?'

A man sits in his appartment with his dog

He then looks at it and says,
Man: if you could talk, i'd rich
The dog then looks at him
Dog: no one Will believe you

A dog with his arm in a sling walks into a bar in the old west

He sits down and says to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw."

A dog walks into a bar...

....and sits down on the barstool.
He says, "I'll have two beers, and mint if you've got one."
The bartender says "Wow! You should join the circus!"
And the dog says, "Why, do they need electricians?"

Two country men are sitting on the front porch with the dog

The dog starts l**... himself between the legs and one man says Hey look at that, I wish I could do that
The other man says That dog would BITE you!

What do brexit and my dog have in common

They beg to be let out but just sit at the door when they finally are

I pity the poor insomniac dyslexic agnostic

He sits up all night wondering if there is a dog.

Pavlov sits in his house on a Saturday afternoon, drinking his tea.

When someone rings the doorbell.
He stands up quickly.
"I have to feed the dog!"

There's a man standing with his dog.

The dog is sitting there furiously l**... his b**....
Another man walks past and says jees I wish I could do that!
The first man says, yeah well I'd pat him first .

Two men are sitting on the steps of a country store

As they sit, a dog approaches and begins to lick its c**....
The first man looks to the other and says I wish I could do that.
The other man looks at him and says yeah, but that dog will bite you.

h**... is sitting in h**... with Stalin and Satan chatting...

Satan asks them if either of them have any regrets.
h**...: You know, I do.
Stalin + Satan: Really?!?!
h**...: Yea, you know if I could do it all over again, I'd kill 6 million jews and a dog.
Satan: What?
Stalin: Why a dog?
h**...: See! I told you no one gives a s**... about the jews!