Dog Owner Jokes
91 dog owner jokes and hilarious dog owner puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dog owner that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Dog Owner Short Jokes
Short dog owner jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dog owner humour may include short dog lover jokes also.
- List if 10 worst dog breeds 1. There
2. Are
3. No
4. Bad
5. Dog
6. Breeds
7. Only
8. Bad
9. Owners
10. Chihuahuas - My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador. It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind
- Dogs are getting stressed and confused because they've noticed their owners are now wearing masks Cats are unaffected though as they're yet to notice their owners at all
- I found a stray dog the other day. I think it's owner was a blacksmith, because as soon as I brought the thing home it made a bolt for the door.
- Older lady in the bus snaps at a guy with a dog... Please get that thing away from me. I can feel flees on my legs.
Dog owner to dog: Rex move away, the lady has flees - A new discovery which makes dogs live as long as human beings... Allowing a loving bond between them and their non vaccinated owners had been discovered.
- The vet said she will put the dog down. "But why?!" exclaimed the owner.
"Because he's heavy." explained the dogtor.
-taken from a cat calendar. - Did you hear the one about the dog with no limbs named joint? Every morning his owner would take him out for a drag
- There are two types of dog owners One of them yells at their dog when it humps their leg, the other one adjusts their leg.
- Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up.
Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
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Dog Owner One Liners
Which dog owner one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dog owner? I can suggest the ones about pet owners and dog name.
- No dog owner talks to their pet in a normal voice *No they don't, oh no they don't*
- What did the owner say about their 7 bit dog Don't worry, he doesn't byte
- How do dogs know that their owner is calling them? Collar ID
- What dog breed do Jewish pet owners desire most? A Golden Retriever
- Dogs have owners Cats have staff
- What did the dog have to say about their owner's heinous girlfriend? WOOF
- Cute dogs waking up owners
- What's smarter than a dog, but dumber than a cat? Their owner.
- What did the s**... dog say to its owner? Ruff ruff pass
- o**... bin Laden gets bitten by a dog. He tells the owner to muzzle 'em.
Share Hilarious Dog Owner Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about dog owner you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dog sitting jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dog owner pranks.
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.
” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I've led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.
” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I've led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
A guy walks into a Raptors bar with a dachshund under his arm.
The dog is wearing a "Toronto Raptors" jersey and helmet, and is festooned with "Raptors" pom-poms.
The bartender says: "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The guy begs him: "Look, I'm desperate.
We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The big game begins and Vince Carter does a great slum dunk.
With that the dog jumps up on the bar, and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender says: "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen!
What does the dog do if Raptors win?"
The owner replies: "I don't know, I've only had him for a half year."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.
"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different."
The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede.
"Really?" says the man "How much?"
The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 50.
Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.
On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
The centipede says nothing.
Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.
An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
The centipede again says nothing.
Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.
An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
The centipede says "I heard you the first time you m**...! I'm putting my shoes on!"
Someone going to work sees a crowd of people walking.
Looking at the beginning of course, he sees a coffin behind a gentleman with a little dog followed by the crowd.
Approaching the owner and he asks him:
"What happened here, man?"
"Pff, my mother-in-law died," he said.
"Hush how sad eh… And, if allowed, how?"
"My dog bit her…"
"You don't tell me! Could you lend him to me just for tonight?"
"Get in line!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Guy's Dog Dies
So he goes to the pet store and tells the owner I got $1000 and I want a pet like no other.
The owner says I got a talking centipede that likes telling jokes and going to bar.
Hey I like doing those things.
Sold for $1000!
The guy goes home and asks his $1000 centipede You wanna go to the bar with me. No response. He assumes it is just asleep.
The next day he asks the same question. No response. He thinks he might've been ripped off, but he goes to the bar and has a fun time.
The next day he asks if he wants to go to the bar. No response yet again!
Alright, I spent all my money on you so you better start talking g**...!
The centipede says I heard you the first time, I'm just putting in my shoes.
A guy walks into a bar with his dog . . . (VT-UVA)
A guy walks into a bar to watch the Tech-UVA game and has his dog with him.
He asks the bartender if the dog can be in there with him. Why in the world should I allow that? asks the bartender.
Well, when the Hokies score he'll stand on his back legs and walk down the bar and back on just two feet. And when UVA scores, he'll walk on his front paws all the way across the bar, and back.
That's pretty impressive, notes the bartender.
Oh, that's nothing, when Tech wins, he'll do back flips down the length of the bar and back, the owner proudly proclaims.
What will he do when UVA wins? asks the bartender.
Dunno, he's only 8 years old.
COWBOY WHISPERER
Cowboy: "That your dog?"
Indian: "Yep."
Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down
often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather........"
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie..... "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
two dogs at the vet
A great dane and a poodle are in nearby kennels at a vet's office.
Poodle: "I get overly excited and pee on the floor when my owner comes home. His evil wife is having me put to sleep. What are you in for?"
Dane: "That's too bad. I got way too excited when my owner started doing Bikram yoga. I couldn't help it...I started h**... her like crazy."
Poodle: "So is she putting you down too?"
Dane: "Naw, I'm just getting my nails done."
Jets Fan
A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms.
The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.
The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"
"I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."
Oh, you!
A man takes his beloved, but seemingly ill golden retriever to the vet when the owner hears the words that every pet owner dreads; "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down.". Distraught, the man breaks down and asks why, to which the vet replies "Because he's very heavy and my arms are getting tired."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many sheep?
A blonde woman is tired of people assuming she's s**... and dyes her hair red. Feeling empowered, she goes for a car ride down a country road. Soon she sees a farm with hundreds of sheep. She walks up to the owner of the farm and makes this proposal: "These sheep are adorable, if I guess how many there are, can I keep one?" The farmer agrees, surely out of all the sheep this woman can't guess the number exactly. She looks around and replies "There are 593 sheep" The farmer is awe-struck, the number was exactly right. So the woman picks her sheep and is getting back in the car when the farmer runs up to her and yells "WAIT! If I can guess your natural color can I have him back?" The woman smiles and agrees, she already proved she's too smart to be called a blonde. The farmer replies "you're a blonde, now can I have my dog back?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A construction worker and his dog
A construction worker brings his dog to work every day, and at noon tucks a 5 dollar bill under the dog's collar. The dog t**... off to the local bar, where the bartender takes the fiver and gives the dog a sandwich in a paper bag which the dog brings back to the work site for his owner.
One day, the man only has a 20, but figures that the bartender will be honest. An hour goes by, and he stomps angrily over to the bar where he confronts his dog who is sitting on a stool drinking a beer and eating a sandwich.
"I never had change before" says the dog.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and his dog walk into a bar...
and he says to the bartender, "Hey! How much you wanna bet that my dog can talk?"
The bartender Replies, "There is no way your dog can talk! 100$ says your wrong!"
The man agrees to the bet and asks his dog, "Hey Rosco, what goes on the top of a house to keep the rain out?"
The dog says, "Roof!"
The bartender gets really mad and says, "Are you kidding me? You think I'd give you a hundred dollars for that? Try again or I am k**... you out!"
The man agrees again and asks his dog, "Hey Rosco, who was the best baseball player of all time?"
The dog replies "Ruth!"
The bartender kicks them both out of the bar, and tells them to never come back!
The dog looks at his owner and asks, "Dimaggio?"
the difference between cats and dogs
dog: this man feeds me, gives me shelter, loves me and asks nothing in return. my owner must be god.
cat: this man feeds me, gives me shelter, loves me and asks nothing in return. I must be god.
The intelligent dog
Roxy, a large black Labrador, was sitting up in his seat at the movies, wagging his tail, growling at the villain and barking excitedly at the hero's escapades. The woman in the seat behind him was intrigued.
Excuse me, she said, tapping Roxy's owner on the shoulder, that dog is extraordinary. I've never seen anything like it!
Yes, he's surprised me, too, said the owner. He hated the book.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Excessive Skepticism
A guy and his dog go into a barroom. The bartender says, "Hey, get that dog out of here... we don't allow dogs in here."
Wait a minute, the guy says, "This is no ordinary dog ! This is 'Plato' the talking dog !" "Yeah, sure" says the bartender.
I'll prove it to you," says the guy. "Plato... what's on top of a building?"
"ROOF !" says the dog.
"Look," says the bartender, "just how dumb do you think I am?"
"Wait a minute," says the guy. "Plato, how does sandpaper feel?"
"RUFF !" says the dog.
"Do I have s**...' tattooed across my forehead or something," says the bartender. "Now get that dog out of here! "
"Wait.. I'm not through", says the guy. "Plato, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "RUTH !" says the dog.
"That does it !! " says the bartender, and he throws them both out on the street.
Outside, the dog looks at his owner and says, "Do you think I should have gone with DiMaggio?"
The Trained Dog
A woman goes to a pet store and asks to buy a trained dog.
The owner walks to the back and shows the woman three dogs.
"Here are our dogs." the owner says, "The first dog knows the commands 'sit', 'stay' and 'lay down'. She costs $500. The second dog knows the commands 'roll over', 'fetch' and 'beg'. He costs $700. The third dog will obey any command he hears and costs $50."
Seeing a good deal the woman buys the $50 dog. She takes it home and tries out some commands.
"Sit" the woman says.
The dog just stands there blinking.
"Roll over" the woman says.
The dog continues to stand there.
"Lay down" she says angrily.
The dog still just stands there.
The woman takes the dog and goes back to the pet store.
"You lied to me!" the woman yells at the owner "You said he would obey any command but it doesn't do anything!"
"I didn't lie to you" the owner said, "I just failed to mention that the dog is deaf."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar with a dog...
A man walks into a bar with a dog, and says he'll bets $50 his dog can talk. The bartender, thinking that's ridiculous, takes up his offer. The man asks the dog
"What do you find on top of a house?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Hey, that's not fair, ask it a real question!" says the bartender. The man asks again
"What do you find on a tree?"
"Bark!" answers the dog again.
"Are you kidding me? Ask it something a human could answer or I'm k**... you out." The man asks the dog
'Who's the best baseball player?" The dog replies
"Ruth!" and the bartender angrily kicks them out. Outside, the dog looks at it's owner, and says "DiMaggio?"
(Sorry it's kinda lame, but it's one of my favorite)
A silly old man came to my work and told me this joke and it stuck with me.
Out in the middle of the country was a general store.
A man was riding in one day and saw a dog sitting next to the door.
He walks by the dog and goes into the store to get what he needs.
After buying his items he asked the owner of the store if his dog bites strangers.
Which he replied with, "Of coarse not, he's as sweet as granny's iced tea!"
So, as the man leaves he goes to pet the dog and the dog chomps on his
hand. The man yowls in pain and goes back into the store to yell at the
owner.
"I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOUR DOG DIDN'T BITE?!?" he yells.
"He doesn't." the man says, "But, that sir is not my dog"
VENTRILOQUIST COWBOY
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk) ...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"
A mailman walks up to a house...
He sees a pig with a wooden leg. When the owner answers the door, the mailman asks why the pig has a wooden leg.
"Well, you see, that pig is a life-saver."
"That doesn't explain why he has a wooden leg."
"A couple nights ago, our house caught on fire. That pig dragged every one out of the house- even the dog."
"Okay, but that still doesn't explain the leg."
"Well, with a pig that great, you can't eat him all at once!"
A dog goes into a hardware store...
...and says: I'd like a job please . The hardware store owner says: We don't hire talking dogs, why don't you go join the circus? The dog replies: What would the circus want with a plumber .
-Steven Alan Green
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The gorilla catcher
A man wakes up one morning and found a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an advert for "Gorilla Catchers" He calls the number, and the gorilla cathcer, Santa, says he will be over in 30 minutes.
Santa arrives within 30 minutes and gets out of his van.
He's got a LADDER, a BASEBALL BAT, a SHOTGUN and a HUGE DOG.
"What are you going to do", the house owner asks?
Santa said, "I'm going to put this LADDER up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this BASEBALL BAT. When the gorilla falls off, the DOG is trained to grab the gorilla's t**... and squeeze. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the house owner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the house owner.
Santa replies, "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, SHOOT THE DOG."
Topical Jokes for 9/5/14
(for best results, imagine these being read by your favorite late night host)
In Oregon, a veterinarian discovered 43 socks in a Great Dane's stomach. The dog was taken to the vet when the owner wanted to find out why his sock drawer was growling.
To ward off evil spirits, a woman in India has married a stray dog. The woman's biggest complaint about being married to a dog — is everything.
A new study has determined that wearing a bra, does not cause breast cancer. The study did find that going without a bra, causes cancer of the eyes.
Eminemn has been entered into the Guinness Book of World Records by having nearly 1,500 words in the song Rap God. And only 700 of those were the f-word.
The World Health Organization announced that doctors should use the blood of Ebola survivors to treat other patients. This was in response to the question, What's the best way to spread the Ebola virus?
(Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed 'em)
Joke my Grandpa told me. Pastors have the best jokes.
A blind man walks in to a store with his dog. He walks to the center of the store and starts to swing his dog around by the leash.
The store owner tries to stop the man "what do you think you are doing?"
The blindman replies "Just taking a look around."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Dogs Are Sitting in the Vet's Waiting Room
The dogs ask each other what they're in for.
The first dog sadly says, "I just can't help myself when it comes to the mailman. I just get so angry when he walks up to the door that I bit him. Now I'm being put to sleep."
The second dog says, "Oh no, that's terrible. I'm a barker myself. I know I'm not supposed to bark all night, but I just can't help myself. So I'm being put to sleep too."
The first two look at the third dog for his story.
"Well, my owner likes to do her housework in the n**...," he said. "Yesterday, she was vacuuming and bent over to get under the couch. I mean, I couldn't help myself; I hopped right on and had the ride of my life!"
The other two dogs looked at him compassionately. "So you're being put to sleep too?"
"What? No, she's having my nails clipped!"
The magic Dog
A man goes to a casting show for talents with his dog.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I present: Gizmo the magic dog! I ask him a question and he answers it correct!"
The jury laughed, but he asked:"Gizmo, what is on top of this house?"
"Roof! Roof!", Gizmo said. The audience went quiet.
"Gizmo, what can sink ships?"
"Reef! Reef!", the dog said. One from the jury asked:"Is this a joke? This dog is just barking!"
"Wait! One last question! Gizmo, name one famous composer!"
"Orff! Orff!", Gizmo said.
Man and dog were thrown out of the building. On the street, Gizmo looked up to his owner and said:"I know, Frank. I should have said Mozart..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two older gentlemen are sitting in the patio drinking coffee. one of the gentlemen is accompanied by his dog.
The dog starts l**... himself and the dogless gentlemen says: I wish I could do that. The dog owner replies: you might want to pet him first.
A lawyer's dog
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.
The contents read
"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."
Two men are walking their dogs
Two men are walking their dogs, a Poodle and a German Shepherd. They decide they'd like to go into a bar for a drink. "But we can't bring our dogs into that bar," says the Poodle's human.
"No problem," says the German Shepherd's human. "Just watch this." He pulls out a pair of sunglasses and walks into the bar.
"Hey, no dogs!" yells the bartender.
"But this is a seeing eye dog," says the German Shepherd's human. The bartender apologizes and shows them to a chair.
So, the Poodle owner decides to follow suit, whips out his sunglasses, and walks into the bar.
"Hey, no dogs!" yells the bartender.
"But this is a seeing eye dog," says the Poodle's human.
The bartender objects, "Hey, Poodles can't be seeing eye dogs!"
The Poodle owner gasps, "What! The agency gave me a poodle?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Pitbull and w**... dog get into a fight.
w**... dog rips the Pitbull into shreds. Terrified Pitbull owner says: - what kind of a dog is this? - how much did you pay for it? The w**... owner says: -well, I paid $100 for a crocodile and $10000 for the plastic surgery.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a Chinese man with a lot of cats and dogs?
A pet shop owner you racist s**...!
Two Dogs Are In The Vet
Two dogs are in the vet office, waiting to be seen. The first dog turns to the one to his left and asks, "what are you in for?"
The other dog looks at him sadly and says, "our neighbors got a really smoking hot poodle, so I jumped the fence and did her right then and there. I'm here to get neutered."
The first dog sighs and says, "yeah, I'm here for a similar situation. My owner has a really hot girlfriend. She had just gotten out of the shower, and I just couldn't help myself. I plowed her good."
"So you're getting neutered too?"
"Nah, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
A dog owner tells his dog..
Owner: "Who's a good boy?"
Doggo: "Did you just assume my gender?!"
A man walks into a bar with his dog.
A man walks into a bar with his dog.
"This is a talking dog. If this dog can answer my questions, who will buy me a drink?" he asks.
"You can have one on the house," the bartender says.
The man turns to his dog. "What goes on the top of a house?"
Dog: Roof.
Man: "What does tree bark feel like?"
Dog: Rough.
Man: "Who is the greatest baseball player ever?"
Dog: Ruth.
The bartender is clearly annoyed and snaps at the man. "That's enough. You and your dog, get out."
After the man and the dog are thrown out, the dog looks sadly at his owner. "Should I have said DiMaggio?"
A dog comes back to life
His owner says: "how's it been"
The dog says "bark"
Dogs can't talk
I just saw a dog driving down the 18th hole!
It must've been a rough day for that car-owner.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Dog Pound
Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her t**.... Now they are going to put me to sleep."
The German Shepherd said "I chewed up my master' shoes yesterday and now they are going to put me to sleep."
The Great Dane said "My master is a beautiful twenty two year old woman. The other day she came out of the shower and bent over in front of me, so I mounted her and did my thing."
"So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others.
"No, I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
Talking dog for sale
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads
"Talking dog for sale"
Intrigued he walks in and sees the dog
"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog
"I have had a very full life" says the dog
"I have lived in the Alps, rescued avalanche victims, I served my country in Iraq,
and now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home"
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner
"This is incredible! why on earth do you want to get rid of this dog?"
The owner says "Because he's a liar! He never did any of that."
Beware Dangerous Dog!
On the door of the general store, a customer noticed the sign DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! He carefully entered the store, but once inside all he saw was a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?
Yep, that's him, he replied.
The stranger could not help but be amused. That certainly does not look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?
Because, the owner replied, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man brings a big dog into a bar
He asked the waitress for 2 glasses of beer, one for him and the other for his dog. The dog grabbed the bottle with his mouth and chugged down the beer, as skillful as his owner.
The waitress was very impressed and excitedly asked "What other tricks can your dog do?"
The man looked at her and said "My dog can also do s**...!"
So, the waitress brought both of them up into the attic, took off all her clothes, laid down on the sofa, spread her legs and looked at the dog. But the dog just stood there and did nothing.
Angry, the man took off all his clothes and shouted at the dog angrily "You s**... dog, this will be the last time I will show you how to do s**...!!!!"
Faithful dog for sale
Faithful dog for sale read the add, as such John called up the owner for details.
- Hey, I saw your offer for a good natured dog, I have a couple of questions.
- Shoot.
- He good with kids?
- Very. He's kind and gentle and has endless patience.
- yard dog or house dog?
- House trained but loves the yard as well.
- Cool. Last, is he really faithful?
- Oh yeah, very faithful. This is the fifth time I'm selling him.
On a street corner a man held a sign saying, "SEE THE TALKING DOG. $5"
A woman approached him and asked if the dog could really talk.
"Yes indeed!" replied the owner. The woman handed over $5, and the owner began asking his dog questions.
"Okay, boy. How does sandpaper feel?"
"Rough!" answered the dog.
The owner then asked, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!" answered the dog.
The woman snatched back her $5 and complained, "This is such a scam!" and stormed off.
The dog turned to his owner and said, "Should I have said Joe DiMaggio?"
Stevie Wonder walks into a shop swinging a dog above his head
The shop owner says "Can I help you?"
Stevie Wonder say "No I'm just having a look around"
I asked a dog's owner from my big society which building he lives in.
He replied, building A-4, apartment 65.
A German lifesaver carries a dog that nearly drowned from the beach...
He plopped it down on the sand and did CPR, as the dog's owner watched nervously from aside.
The dog spat out water and stood up— the lifesaver saved it.
"Oh my goodness, thank you so much for saving my dog!" the owner said, "Are you a vet?"
"Vet? VET???" the German excalimed, "I'M LITERALLY SOAKING!"
A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke
Dog: Tell me a joke
Man: Don't be silly, you're a dog
Dog: Oh, go on
Man: You're a dog, you won't understand
Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese
Man: OK. Knock Knock
Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….
Pets are like countries.
Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.
Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.
Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.
Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.
Talking dog for sale
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads Talking Dog for Sale. Intrigued, he walks in.
So what have you done with your life? he asks the dog.
I've led a very full life, says the dog. I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner, Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?
The owner says, Because he's a liar! He never did any of that!
You've been warned
A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep on the floor.
"Is that the dog we're supposed to be aware of?" he asks the owner.
"That's him," comes the reply.
"He doesn't look at all dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"
"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a pet shop and sees a dog for $10,000
"Why does the dog cost that much?", asked the man. The owner replies, "This dog can do karate. Here, watch."
The owner then walks to a table and speaks to the dog, "Karate this table". The dog lifts a paw and in one swift movement cuts the table into two.
As the man looks on in shock, the owner then says "Karate the b**...." The dog goes to the b**... and breaks it with its paw.
"Amazing!", says the man. "I will buy this dog!". He buys the dog and goes home and tells his wife he bought a dog for $10,000. The wife gets angry.
"Why on earth would you buy a dog for that much money?!"
"Because this dog can do karate."
"Karate my foot!"
A man walks in to a bar and hangs his hat and coat on a peg
There's a dog sat in the corner which leaps up grabs the hat and rips it to pieces.
The man turns to the owner of the dog and says: Your dog's just ruined my hat
Dog owner: So what, I couldn't care less.
Man: I don't like your attitude!
Dog owner: It's not my attitude, it's your hat he chewed.
Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
FO: My dog is so smart that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.
SO: I know.
FO: How do you know?
SO: My dog told me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A dog gets left in a forest by its owners. A tiger spots it, and thinks to itself: "What is that? It looks delicious." The dog catches wind of it though, and in a bit of quick thinking, it stands in front of a pile of bones, and shouts: "Mmmm, tiger meat is the best! I gotta hunt for more!"
The tiger kills and eats the dog, because it doesn't know dog language.
I saw an advert selling a trained police dog for £25 in the local paper, saw a bargain and bought it.
When the current owner brought it round a mangy mutt jumped out their car.
I said 'There's no way that's a Police dog'
The owner replied 'Don't let looks decieve you, he worked undercover'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A dog owner is relaxing in the park when a man approaches.
—I'm sorry, but my chihuahua just killed your dog.
—That's absurd, my dog is a mastiff. How your ridiculously small chihuahua could possibly kill mine?
—Well, my dog got stuck in your dog's t**... and choke him to death.
A dog walks into a bar
A dog walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's new" the bartender asks. "My owners got mad at me because I kept chasing people on a bike. So they took my bike away. So then I had nothing to do but stand around in the yard and bark. So they gave me my bike back," the dog says. "Apparently my bark is worse than my bike."
What dog breed is the funniest?
Pit bulls, they leave everyone in stitches.
Disclaimer: I am a pit owner, and I still found this funny. Please don't inundate me with pro-pitty rebuttals, I already know.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
b**...
Two guys were sitting on the porch. The one guys dog was l**... its b**.... The other guy said I wish I could do that. The dogs owner said well… he'd probably bite you .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When a dog is in a p**... position, she's vulnerable, and she's looking to the owner to protect her.
When I do the same to my dog I get banned from the dog park
