Dog Jokes

161 dog jokes and hilarious dog puns to laugh out loud. Read animal jokes about dog that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

A collection of hilarious dog jokes to make every dog lover laugh out loud. From funny anecdotes about barking and dachshunds to puns about puppies, this article is sure to have something to make you howl with laughter.

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Short Dog Jokes
Dog One Liners
Your Dog Jokes
Dog Walking Jokes
Dog Day Jokes
My So Called Dog Jokes
More Dog Jokes

Best Short Dog Jokes

Short dog puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dog humour may include short bark jokes also.

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one. She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning... ...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.
My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank. She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.
My Kids Got p**... at Me for Cooking pancake this Morning Seems he was their favorite rabbit
I entered my chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place! My dog came in third.
I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...
My girlfriend's dog died so I got her an identical one She got even more upset and shouted at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt... 1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about dog can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of dog puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

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Dog One Liners

Which dog one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dog? I can suggest the ones about dachshund and puppy.

PETA is like a box of chocolates They kill dogs
I'll never forget my dog's last words "You've taken too much acid."
In America, dogs are k-9s But in China, dogs are e-10
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate They'll kill your dog
Police are like a box of chocolates.... They'll kill your dog.
I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried Onions was a good dog
My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with? A dog, dogs eat meat
What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.
Where does a dog go when he loses his tail a retail store
A lost dog strays into the jungle..
Did you know all dogs are made up of only 3 elements? Calcium, nickel, neon
I bought a dog from a blacksmith as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
I have a dog with no legs I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.
My uncle has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex They are watch dogs
Being a dog walker is so easy It's a literal walk in the park.

Your Dog Jokes

Here is a list of funny your dog jokes and even better your dog puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*
"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?" "Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"
"Not this time. Our dog died."
I named my dog "5 miles." So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."
My girlfriend's dog died so I got her an identical one to try and cheer her up. But it made her even more upset.
She screamed at me saying, What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?
List if 10 worst dog breeds 1. There
2. Are
3. No
4. Bad
5. Dog
6. Breeds
7. Only
8. Bad
9. Owners
10. Chihuahuas
I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."
I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
Jay Leno walked past a painting of Simon Cowell surrounded by his dogs during AGT. And said: Cowell looked at the dogs like they were on the menu at a Korean restaurant.
What's the difference between an anti-vaxxer and a hot dog? The hot dog might actually have some brains in it.

Dog Walking Jokes

Here is a list of funny dog walking jokes and even better dog walking puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Pavlov is sitting at a bar... ...when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.
A dog walks into a bar The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"
A dog walks into a bar and says, a beer, please. The bartender says, wow, you should be in the circus. The dog says:
_Why!? Do they need electricians?_
"A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat." "The librarian says, 'It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not!'"
What is it about being blind... ...that makes people want to walk their dog so much?
A Three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon He says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."
When I was young, my parents made me walk the plank.. We were too poor for a dog.
As a kid I was made to walk the plank... We couldn't afford a dog
My neighbor just walked by with two dogs. I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs."
He replied, "They're not my dogs. They're my sister's."
I said, "Wow, your sisters are ugly!"
A blind man with a service dog walked into a bar The construction worker holding the bar said, "Dude, you need a new dog!"

Dog Day Jokes

Here is a list of funny dog day jokes and even better dog day puns that will make you laugh with friends.

A blind man had to shoot his dog... To this day, he still misses him
I threw the dog a ball the other day It was a bit extravagant but he looks great in a tuxedo!
Dog Joke I spotted an albino Dalmatian the other day. It was the least I could do.
Day 19, I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.- Pavlov's Dog
I don't know why most people think a dogs life is so easy. Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.
My legless dog is named cigarette… Every day I take him out for a drag.
I went to a zoo the other day. The only animal they had was a dog It was a shitzu.
What do you call a dog that is underwater? A sub-woofer!
Thank you, I'll be here all day.
I Walked In On My Dad Chopping Onions Up One Day... It made me cry. Onions was my favorite dog.
I named my dog 6 miles so i can tell people that i walk 6 miles every single day.

My So Called Dog Jokes

Here is a list of funny my so called dog jokes and even better my so called dog puns that will make you laugh with friends.

What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador!
I am not sorry.
*A joke my son told me* - What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show? A Cat-Has-Trophey!
What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador
What do you call a dog with no legs? Log
A guy asked an officer why is a dog called a K9? Because if its K10, it'll be a cat
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter - He won't come anyway.

But you could call him "cigarette" and take him out for a drag.
So I got a phone call from the post office today... ...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".
Did you know that dogs chase their tails clockwise in the southern hemisphere and counter-clockwise in the northern hemisphere? It's called the Corgi-olis Effect.
Pavlov's dogs have started a charity for the holidays... It's called "The Salivation Army"
What do you call a dog with no legs? You can call it anything you want, it's not coming.

Comical Dog Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land

What funny jokes about dog you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean ruff jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make dog prank.

A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."
The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."

After a brief chuckle, the vendor makes the hot dog and gives it to the monk, saying "That will be $4 please". After the monk hands over a $10 bill, he finds himself waiting uncomfortably while the vendor does nothing except stare back at him.
Awkwardly the monk asks "What about my change?" "Ah," replies the hot dog vendor, "Change must come from within."

My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.

So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?

"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.

Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.
The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.
The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross county adventure…

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.
The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog s**... on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

Mark went for a walk in the park.

As he strolled up the path he heard someone shout, "Mark!"
He stopped and turned his head, and heard it again. "Mark!"
There was nobody around except for an old man on a bench with his dog, so he walked closer.
"Mark! Mark!" said the dog, tugging on its leash in the man's hands.
Mark was taken aback. "You.. you know my name?! ..and can ***talk***?"
"Oh?" the man lifted his head. "I'm sorry, she can't pronounce her B's".

A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet.

'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

My grandfather's favorite joke.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where ya left it.
[My grandfather suffers from dementia and for some odd reason he remembers this joke and continues to tell it.]

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "

When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.

"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"
"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."

Source: 1913 newspaper

A dog and a cat were having an argument on who is the favorite of humans

The dog says, Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.
The cat smiles and says, You're not really going to win this one you know.

I recently heard about a young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross country adventure…

So, I headed down to the library with my daughter to see if they had a copy.
The librarian said the description rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not..

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

A man walks into a library, goes to the librarian, and says "I'm looking for a book called 'Pavlov's Dog and Schrödinger's Cat".

The librarian says "That rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's there or not".

My rubbish dog joke.

A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please'.
The barman says, 'Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!'
The dog replies, 'Why? Do they need electricians?'

Why did the dog cross the road, roll in the dirt, and cross the road again?

Because he's a dirty, double-crossing son of a b*t**....
*edit* And a such GOOD one, yes he IS!

My daughter, 10, won tonight

My wife and I were stepping out to the neighbors for a get together and she is staying home tonight, so I reviewed the ground rules - don't answer the door, let the dog out the back door, call us if you need, etc.
She looked at me and said You know the rules, and so do I
Rickrolled as a dad joke.
Later, called to remind her to let the dog, who is a white goldendoodle, out. Speech to text s**... up and put make sure Ginger isn't at the door into make sure Ginger isn't at the bar
The reply?
Too late, she's white dog wasted
We have a natural here…

Sheep

At the end of the day, a border collie reported back to the grazier, "All fifty sheep accounted for, boss!"
"Wait, I only have 48 sheep!" he replied.
"I know," said the dog, "but I rounded them up."

A dad asks his son, "What has four legs but isn't alive?"

The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!"
"Not this time son, our dog is dead"

Where do you find a dog that has no legs?

Where you left it.

What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?

Someone who lays awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.

A man stayed late at the pub after work when he got a call from his wife

Wife: "I've cooked your dinner and if you're not back in 10 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog!"
Man: "Hey, it's not his fault!"

A guy is asked by his friend: What would you do if your wife cheats on you?

He answers I'd throw his dog through the window and break the stick
Friend: what stick? What dog?
To what the guy replies: If someone sleeps with my wife he must be blind!

I get really embarrassed when female guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their c**....

Ok, he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up, but it's still embarrassing.

How are dog catchers paid?

By the pound!

A man walks into a library

and asks the librarian at the info desk if they have any books on Pavlov's dog or Schrodinger's cat. The librarian thinks for a moment before replying "It rings a bell but I'm not sure whether it's there or not."

United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

As he inserted the r... thermometer [n...]

As he inserted the r**... thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious e**...
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

My wife asked my if I had seen the dog bowl.

I said "I didn't know he could!".

My dog, Grandpa

The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.
That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:
Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.
I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.
Grandpa pooped in the living room again.
I had to put grandpa down today.
Grandpa ran away again.
I caught Grandpa h**... my friend's leg again.
And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.

Dog walks into a telegraph office...

Says he wants to send a message.
"Sure" says the clerk, "what's the message?"
"Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof."
Clerk says, "OK, but for the same price, there's enough room for one more 'woof'".
Dog wrinkles his brow and replies, "But that wouldn't make any sense.."

Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...

A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."
"Good morning." She replies.
"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.
"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.
"Excellent trade, Ma'am."

I've been interrogating the dog for two solid hours.

He still won't tell me who's a good boy.

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says Make me one with everything .

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.
The Buddhist asks Where's my change? and the vendor replies change must come from within .
A gun then extends from the Buddhist's chest and he asks again.
The vendor says Whoa, man, where did that come from?
The Buddhist replies This is my inner piece .

My girlfriend's dog came running up to us for a cuddle.

"I love you Freddy," she said, s**... his fur.
"I love him more than you," I replied.
She said, "I don't think so, I definitely love him most."
I said, "You misunderstood me."

What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

A person who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

A young Korean couple are lying in bed...

When the guy starts f**... nonstop.
The girl, unable to take the smell, says, "Stop, that's disgusting!"
"Don't blame me", the guy says. "It's the dog."
"Oh, don't blame him", she says. "He was cooked perfectly."

I named my dog WiFi

Because I stole it from my neighbor

I have a pet tree...

It's like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.

My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles.

I took him to the vet. No word yet.

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: 'Make me one with everything'....

After a brief chuckle at the monks joke the vendor hands him his hot dog with everything and says 'That'll be $4 please'.
The monk hands over a $10 bill and waits whilst the vendor just stares back at him....
Awkwardly the monk ask's 'What about my change'?.
'Ah' replies the hot dog vendor, 'Change must come from within'.

Two dogs are sitting in a bar. The first says, "wanna hear a joke?" The second dog says "sure!" The first dog says "knock knock." The second says...

WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!

My neighbor claims his Golden Retriever dog can bring a ball back from half a mile away..

That seems a bit far-fetched to me..

Why are Chinese kids so good at math?

Because their dog doesn't eat their homework

Your dog loves you more than your wife does.

Want proof? Lock them both in the trunk of your car. Let them out an hour later and see which one is happy to see you.

I used to have a dog with no legs named Cigarette

And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.

Three blondes found some tracks...

The first blonde said, "Those are bear tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, those are deer tracks!"
The third blonde said, "No those are dog tracks!"
And that was when the train hit them.

Where does a dog go when it loses it's tail and needs a new one?

A retail store.

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these dog jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.