Dog Jokes

What are some Dog jokes?

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning...

...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.

I need to re-home a dog.

It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate

They'll kill your dog

Police are like a box of chocolates....

They'll kill your dog.

I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried

Onions was a good dog

My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with?

A dog, dogs eat meat

β€’ My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.

She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*

What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?

A wet nose.

The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW]

I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.

"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?"

"Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"

"Not this time. Our dog died."

Where does a dog go when he loses his tail

a retail store

A lost dog strays into the jungle..

I'm sorry for this

A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

My grandfather's favorite joke.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where ya left it.

[My grandfather suffers from dementia and for some odd reason he remembers this joke and continues to tell it.]

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "

I bought a dog from a blacksmith

as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

My rubbish dog joke.

A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please'.
The barman says, 'Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!'
The dog replies, 'Why? Do they need electricians?'

I have a dog with no legs

I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.

I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat

The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."

I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

Jay Leno walked past a painting of Simon Cowell surrounded by his dogs during AGT.

And said: Cowell looked at the dogs like they were on the menu at a Korean restaurant.

Sheep

At the end of the day, a border collie reported back to the grazier, "All fifty sheep accounted for, boss!"

"Wait, I only have 48 sheep!" he replied.

"I know," said the dog, "but I rounded them up."

A blind man had to shoot his dog...

To this day, he still misses him

A dad asks his son, "What has four legs but isn't alive?"

The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!"

"Not this time son, our dog is dead"

Where do you find a dog that has no legs?

Where you left it.

What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?

Someone who lays awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.

A dog walks into a bar

The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"

A man stayed late at the pub after work when he got a call from his wife

Wife: "I've cooked your dinner and if you're not back in 10 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog!"


Man: "Hey, it's not his fault!"

How are dog catchers paid?

By the pound!

I get really embarrassed when female guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch.

Ok, he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up, but it's still embarrassing.

A man walks into a library

and asks the librarian at the info desk if they have any books on Pavlov's dog or Schrodinger's cat. The librarian thinks for a moment before replying "It rings a bell but I'm not sure whether it's there or not."

United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

As he inserted the rectal thermometer [nsfw]

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

What do you call a dog magician?

A labracadabrador!


I am not sorry.

My dog, Grandpa

The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.

That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:

Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.

I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.

Grandpa pooped in the living room again.

I had to put grandpa down today.

Grandpa ran away again.

I caught Grandpa humping my friend's leg again.

And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.

I've been interrogating the dog for two solid hours.

He still won't tell me who's a good boy.

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says Make me one with everything .

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.

The Buddhist asks Where's my change? and the vendor replies change must come from within .

A gun then extends from the Buddhist's chest and he asks again.

The vendor says Whoa, man, where did that come from?

The Buddhist replies This is my inner piece .

My girlfriend's dog came running up to us for a cuddle.

"I love you Freddy," she said, stroking his fur.

"I love him more than you," I replied.

She said, "I don't think so, I definitely love him most."

I said, "You misunderstood me."

What is it about being blind...

...that makes people want to walk their dog so much?

What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

A person who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

A young Korean couple are lying in bed...

When the guy starts farting nonstop.

The girl, unable to take the smell, says, "Stop, that's disgusting!"

"Don't blame me", the guy says. "It's the dog."

"Oh, don't blame him", she says. "He was cooked perfectly."

I named my dog WiFi

Because I stole it from my neighbor

I have a pet tree...

It's like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: 'Make me one with everything'....

After a brief chuckle at the monks joke the vendor hands him his hot dog with everything and says 'That'll be $4 please'.
The monk hands over a $10 bill and waits whilst the vendor just stares back at him....
Awkwardly the monk ask's 'What about my change'?.

'Ah' replies the hot dog vendor, 'Change must come from within'.

Why are Chinese kids so good at math?

Because their dog doesn't eat their homework

Your dog loves you more than your wife does.

Want proof? Lock them both in the trunk of your car. Let them out an hour later and see which one is happy to see you.

I used to have a dog with no legs named Cigarette

And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.

*A joke my son told me* - What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show?

A Cat-Has-Trophey!

Three blondes found some tracks...

The first blonde said, "Those are bear tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, those are deer tracks!"

The third blonde said, "No those are dog tracks!"

And that was when the train hit them.

What do you get when you cross a dog and an antenna?

A Golden Receiver.

What do you call a dog that can do magic?

A Labracadabrador

When a dog is on heat, it means it wants sex.

That's my defense.

I just ran over my dog.

April fools! I don't know whose dog it was.

My wife really wanted a dog, so I bought her a pug.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog really seems to like her.

I'm an agnostic, an insomniac, and a dyslexic

Every night I lie awake wondering if there really is a dog.

Would you believe me…

Would you believe me if I told you that I think a dog could retrieve a stick that's been thrown over a mile away? Or would you say that idea is…




far fetched?

A man takes his dog to the vet...

The vet picks up the dog and looks at him. After a moment he turns to the man. "Sir," he says, "your dog is healthy but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down."

"Why?" the man demanded.

The vet replied, "Because he's heavy."

So a cop knocked on my door this morning.

He asked, 'sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.'

I replied, 'sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'

I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith...

As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.

A Three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon

He says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."

As a child,I always cried when my dad was cutting onions in the kitchen

Onions was a good dog :(

A guy asked an officer why is a dog called a K9?

Because if its K10, it'll be a cat

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

The vet told me "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put your dog down."

"Oh God!" I said. "WHY?!"

"Because my arms are getting tired."

It was going to cost me $700 to put down my dog

So I booked a United flight instead

How to make Dog jokes?

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