Dog Jokes
161 dog jokes and hilarious dog puns to laugh out loud. Read animal jokes about dog that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
A collection of hilarious dog jokes to make every dog lover laugh out loud. From funny anecdotes about barking and dachshunds to puns about puppies, this article is sure to have something to make you howl with laughter.
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Funniest Dog Short Jokes
Short dog jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dog humour may include short bark jokes also.
- My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one. She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
- Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
- I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning... ...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.
- My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank. She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.
- My Kids Got p**... at Me for Cooking pancake this Morning Seems he was their favorite rabbit
- I entered my chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place! My dog came in third.
- I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.
- I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...
- As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt... 1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate. - • My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*
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Dog One Liners
Which dog one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dog? I can suggest the ones about dachshund and puppy.
- I'll never forget my dog's last words "You've taken too much acid."
- In America, dogs are k-9s But in China, dogs are e-10
- Police are like a box of chocolates.... They'll kill your dog.
- I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried Onions was a good dog
- My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with? A dog, dogs eat meat
- What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.
- Where does a dog go when he loses his tail a retail store
- A lost dog strays into the jungle..
- Did you know all dogs are made up of only 3 elements? Calcium, nickel, neon
- I have a dog with no legs I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.
- My uncle has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex They are watch dogs
- Being a dog walker is so easy It's a literal walk in the park.
- Where do you find a dog that has no legs? Where you left it.
- How are dog catchers paid? By the pound!
- What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador!
I am not sorry.
Your Dog Jokes
Here is a list of funny your dog jokes and even better your dog puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?" "Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"
"Not this time. Our dog died." - I named my dog "5 miles." So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."
- List if 10 worst dog breeds 1. There
2. Are
3. No
4. Bad
5. Dog
6. Breeds
7. Only
8. Bad
9. Owners
10. Chihuahuas - This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot. - Jay Leno walked past a painting of Simon Cowell surrounded by his dogs during AGT. And said: Cowell looked at the dogs like they were on the menu at a Korean restaurant.
- What's the difference between an anti-vaxxer and a hot dog? The hot dog might actually have some brains in it.
- Pavlov is sitting at a bar... ...when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.
- What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac? Someone who lays awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.
- A dog walks into a bar The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"
- My wife asked my if I had seen the dog bowl. I said "I didn't know he could!".
Dog Walking Jokes
Here is a list of funny dog walking jokes and even better dog walking puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is it about being blind... ...that makes people want to walk their dog so much?
- A Three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon He says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."
- When I was young, my parents made me walk the plank.. We were too poor for a dog.
- A blind man with a service dog walked into a bar The construction worker holding the bar said, "Dude, you need a new dog!"
- What do you call an asian walking a dog? A vegetarian.
- I feel bad for the Homeless guy, but I really feel bad for the Homeless guys Dog.. He must be thinking, "This is the longest walk ever"
- I bought a tie for my dog to wear on his walks It's to help him do his business.
- A dog walked into a tavern and said I can't see a thing. I'll open this one.
- A dog walked in for a job interview today. I probably shouldn't have asked him were he saw himself being in 10 years.
- I was walking my dogs when a stranger approached me. "Are they Jack Russell's?"
"Nah mate, they're mine" I replied.
Dog Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny dog day jokes and even better dog day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I threw the dog a ball the other day It was a bit extravagant but he looks great in a tuxedo!
- Dog Joke I spotted an albino Dalmatian the other day. It was the least I could do.
- Day 19, I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.- Pavlov's Dog
- I don't know why most people think a dogs life is so easy. Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.
- What do you call a dog that is underwater? A sub-woofer!
Thank you, I'll be here all day. - I found a stray dog the other day. I think it's owner was a blacksmith, because as soon as I brought the thing home it made a bolt for the door.
- When I was little, my parents got me a Dog and a Cat for my birthday. The next day we named the Dog curiosity.
- How many times a day does a dog bark? About 100, but that's just a ruff estimate.
- Give a dog a bone and you feed him for a day Teach a dog to bone and you go to jail for animal cruelty
- The day I let a dog make decisions for me ....Is the day I go blind.
My So Called Dog Jokes
Here is a list of funny my so called dog jokes and even better my so called dog puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- *A joke my son told me* - What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show? A Cat-Has-Trophey!
- What do you call a dog with no legs? Log
- A guy asked an officer why is a dog called a K9? Because if its K10, it'll be a cat
- So I got a phone call from the post office today... ...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".
- Did you know that dogs chase their tails clockwise in the southern hemisphere and counter-clockwise in the northern hemisphere? It's called the Corgi-olis Effect.
- Pavlov's dogs have started a charity for the holidays... It's called "The Salivation Army"
- What do you call a dog with no legs? You can call it anything you want, it's not coming.
- What is it called when a dog has one ear that stands up and one that flops down? Earectile dysfunction
- My sons cheezits joke. You should name the dog Cheezits! Then if he starts sneezing, you can call him Sneezits!
I laughed and thought his 8 year old genius needed shared with the world. - What do you call an Chinese family with a pet dog? Vegetarians.
Source: I'm Chinese.
Comical Dog Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about dog you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ruff jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dog pranks.
A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...
The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."
The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."
After a brief chuckle, the vendor makes the hot dog and gives it to the monk, saying "That will be $4 please". After the monk hands over a $10 bill, he finds himself waiting uncomfortably while the vendor does nothing except stare back at him.
Awkwardly the monk asks "What about my change?" "Ah," replies the hot dog vendor, "Change must come from within."
My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.
So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?
I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross county adventure…
So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.
The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog s**... on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."
I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mark went for a walk in the park.
As he strolled up the path he heard someone shout, "Mark!"
He stopped and turned his head, and heard it again. "Mark!"
There was nobody around except for an old man on a bench with his dog, so he walked closer.
"Mark! Mark!" said the dog, tugging on its leash in the man's hands.
Mark was taken aback. "You.. you know my name?! ..and can ***talk***?"
"Oh?" the man lifted his head. "I'm sorry, she can't pronounce her B's".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate
They'll kill your dog
A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet.
'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.
My grandfather's favorite joke.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where ya left it.
[My grandfather suffers from dementia and for some odd reason he remembers this joke and continues to tell it.]
This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,
"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "
When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.
"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"
"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."
Source: 1913 newspaper
A dog and a cat were having an argument on who is the favorite of humans
The dog says, Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.
The cat smiles and says, You're not really going to win this one you know.
A man walks into a library, goes to the librarian, and says "I'm looking for a book called 'Pavlov's Dog and Schrödinger's Cat".
The librarian says "That rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's there or not".
My rubbish dog joke.
A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please'.
The barman says, 'Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!'
The dog replies, 'Why? Do they need electricians?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the dog cross the road, roll in the dirt, and cross the road again?
Because he's a dirty, double-crossing son of a b*t**....
*edit* And a such GOOD one, yes he IS!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My daughter, 10, won tonight
My wife and I were stepping out to the neighbors for a get together and she is staying home tonight, so I reviewed the ground rules - don't answer the door, let the dog out the back door, call us if you need, etc.
She looked at me and said You know the rules, and so do I
Rickrolled as a dad joke.
Later, called to remind her to let the dog, who is a white goldendoodle, out. Speech to text s**... up and put make sure Ginger isn't at the door into make sure Ginger isn't at the bar
The reply?
Too late, she's white dog wasted
We have a natural here…
Sheep
At the end of the day, a border collie reported back to the grazier, "All fifty sheep accounted for, boss!"
"Wait, I only have 48 sheep!" he replied.
"I know," said the dog, "but I rounded them up."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blind man had to shoot his dog...
To this day, he still misses him
A man stayed late at the pub after work when he got a call from his wife
Wife: "I've cooked your dinner and if you're not back in 10 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog!"
Man: "Hey, it's not his fault!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy is asked by his friend: What would you do if your wife cheats on you?
He answers I'd throw his dog through the window and break the stick
Friend: what stick? What dog?
To what the guy replies: If someone sleeps with my wife he must be blind!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I get really embarrassed when female guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their c**....
Ok, he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up, but it's still embarrassing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
United States
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As he inserted the r**... thermometer [n**...]
As he inserted the r**... thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious e**...
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My dog, Grandpa
The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.
That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:
Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.
I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.
Grandpa pooped in the living room again.
I had to put grandpa down today.
Grandpa ran away again.
I caught Grandpa h**... my friend's leg again.
And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.
Dog walks into a telegraph office...
Says he wants to send a message.
"Sure" says the clerk, "what's the message?"
"Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof."
Clerk says, "OK, but for the same price, there's enough room for one more 'woof'".
Dog wrinkles his brow and replies, "But that wouldn't make any sense.."
Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...
A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."
"Good morning." She replies.
"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.
"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.
"Excellent trade, Ma'am."
I've been interrogating the dog for two solid hours.
He still won't tell me who's a good boy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend's dog came running up to us for a cuddle.
"I love you Freddy," she said, s**... his fur.
"I love him more than you," I replied.
She said, "I don't think so, I definitely love him most."
I said, "You misunderstood me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young Korean couple are lying in bed...
When the guy starts f**... nonstop.
The girl, unable to take the smell, says, "Stop, that's disgusting!"
"Don't blame me", the guy says. "It's the dog."
"Oh, don't blame him", she says. "He was cooked perfectly."
I named my dog WiFi
Because I stole it from my neighbor
I have a pet tree...
It's like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.
My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles.
I took him to the vet. No word yet.
Two dogs are sitting in a bar. The first says, "wanna hear a joke?" The second dog says "sure!" The first dog says "knock knock." The second says...
WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!
My neighbor claims his Golden Retriever dog can bring a ball back from half a mile away..
That seems a bit far-fetched to me..
Why are Chinese kids so good at math?
Because their dog doesn't eat their homework
Your dog loves you more than your wife does.
Want proof? Lock them both in the trunk of your car. Let them out an hour later and see which one is happy to see you.
A family takes their sick dog to the vet.
The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down."
"Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?"
"Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A dog is lying on the grass l**... his b**......
A guy looks and says to his friend, "I wish I could do that."
His friend says, "You better pet him first. He looks pretty mean."
My wife called me and said If you're not home from the bar in 10 minutes, I'm giving the dinner I cooked for you to the dog.
I was home in 3 minutes, I'd hate for anything to happen to the poor dog.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an antenna?
A Golden Receiver.
My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador.
It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind
What kind of dog can stay underwater for a long time?
A subwoofer
I just ran over my dog.
April fools! I don't know whose dog it was.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When a dog is on heat, it means it wants s**....
That's my defense.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a dog underwater?
A s**... diver
*My seven year old asked me to post this here.
I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person.
I said "I'm a vegetarian."
A man and a dog walk into a bar
Both get up on stools and the bartender says "sorry no dogs"
"But my dog can talk"
Bartender: "Prove it"
"Fido, what is the top part of a house called"
Dog: "Roof, roof"
Bartender (annoyed): "You're going to have to do better than that"
"Fido, what is the high grassy part of a golf course called?"
Dog: "Ruff, ruff"
Bartender (more annoyed): "I'll give you one last chance before I throw you out"
"Fido, who is the greatest baseball player of all time"
Dog: "Ruth, ruth"
Bartender throws the both of them out into the street.
Dog: "Maybe I should have said Dimaggio"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the difference between Chuck Norris and John Wick?
Chuck Norris gets his revenge before you even think about killing his dog.
Would you believe me…
Would you believe me if I told you that I think a dog could retrieve a stick that's been thrown over a mile away? Or would you say that idea is…
far fetched?
My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.
Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.
So a cop knocked on my door this morning.
He asked, 'sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.'
I replied, 'sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'
Go to the dog shelter for a dog and you are a Saint....
Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind!!
