The Best 68 Dog Jokes

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."

The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."

I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning...

...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.

I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place!

My dog came in third.

I need to re-home a dog.

It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.

Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.

The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.

The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross county adventure…

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

My girlfriend's dog died so I got her an identical one

She got even more upset and shouted at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

Mark went for a walk in the park.

As he strolled up the path he heard someone shout, "Mark!"

He stopped and turned his head, and heard it again. "Mark!"

There was nobody around except for an old man on a bench with his dog, so he walked closer.

"Mark! Mark!" said the dog, tugging on its leash in the man's hands.

Mark was taken aback. "You.. you know my name?! ..and can ***talk***?"

"Oh?" the man lifted his head. "I'm sorry, she can't pronounce her B's".

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate

They'll kill your dog

Police are like a box of chocolates....

They'll kill your dog.

I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried

Onions was a good dog

My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with?

A dog, dogs eat meat

• My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.

She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*

What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?

A wet nose.

"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?"

"Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"

"Not this time. Our dog died."

Where does a dog go when he loses his tail

a retail store

A lost dog strays into the jungle..

A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet.

'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

My grandfather's favorite joke.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where ya left it.

[My grandfather suffers from dementia and for some odd reason he remembers this joke and continues to tell it.]

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "

When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.

"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"

"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."

​

Source: 1913 newspaper

I named my dog "5 miles."

So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."

My girlfriend's dog died so I got her an identical one to try and cheer her up.

But it made her even more upset.

She screamed at me saying, What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?

A dog and a cat were having an argument on who is the favorite of humans

The dog says, Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.

The cat smiles and says, You're not really going to win this one you know.

I recently heard about a young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross country adventure…

So, I headed down to the library with my daughter to see if they had a copy.

The librarian said the description rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not..

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

I bought a dog from a blacksmith

as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

My rubbish dog joke.

A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please'.
The barman says, 'Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!'
The dog replies, 'Why? Do they need electricians?'

I have a dog with no legs

I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.

I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat

The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."

Why did the dog cross the road, roll in the dirt, and cross the road again?

Because he's a dirty, double-crossing son of a b*tch.

*edit* And a such GOOD one, yes he IS!

I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

Jay Leno walked past a painting of Simon Cowell surrounded by his dogs during AGT.

And said: Cowell looked at the dogs like they were on the menu at a Korean restaurant.

What's the difference between an anti-vaxxer and a hot dog?

The hot dog might actually have some brains in it.

Being a dog walker is so easy

It's a literal walk in the park.

My daughter, 10, won tonight

My wife and I were stepping out to the neighbors for a get together and she is staying home tonight, so I reviewed the ground rules - don't answer the door, let the dog out the back door, call us if you need, etc.

She looked at me and said You know the rules, and so do I

Rickrolled as a dad joke.

Later, called to remind her to let the dog, who is a white goldendoodle, out. Speech to text screwed up and put make sure Ginger isn't at the door into make sure Ginger isn't at the bar

The reply?

Too late, she's white dog wasted

We have a natural here…

Sheep

At the end of the day, a border collie reported back to the grazier, "All fifty sheep accounted for, boss!"

"Wait, I only have 48 sheep!" he replied.

"I know," said the dog, "but I rounded them up."

A blind man had to shoot his dog...

To this day, he still misses him

A dad asks his son, "What has four legs but isn't alive?"

The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!"

"Not this time son, our dog is dead"

Where do you find a dog that has no legs?

Where you left it.

What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?

Someone who lays awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.

A dog walks into a bar

The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"

A man stayed late at the pub after work when he got a call from his wife

Wife: "I've cooked your dinner and if you're not back in 10 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog!"

Man: "Hey, it's not his fault!"

I get really embarrassed when female guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch.

Ok, he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up, but it's still embarrassing.

How are dog catchers paid?

By the pound!

A man walks into a library

and asks the librarian at the info desk if they have any books on Pavlov's dog or Schrodinger's cat. The librarian thinks for a moment before replying "It rings a bell but I'm not sure whether it's there or not."

United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

As he inserted the rectal thermometer [nsfw]

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

What do you call a dog magician?

A labracadabrador!

I am not sorry.

My wife asked my if I had seen the dog bowl.

I said "I didn't know he could!".

Dog walks into a telegraph office...

Says he wants to send a message.

"Sure" says the clerk, "what's the message?"

"Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof."

Clerk says, "OK, but for the same price, there's enough room for one more 'woof'".

Dog wrinkles his brow and replies, "But that wouldn't make any sense.."

Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...

A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."

"Good morning." She replies.

"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.

"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.

"Excellent trade, Ma'am."

​

I've been interrogating the dog for two solid hours.

He still won't tell me who's a good boy.

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says Make me one with everything .

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.

The Buddhist asks Where's my change? and the vendor replies change must come from within .

A gun then extends from the Buddhist's chest and he asks again.

The vendor says Whoa, man, where did that come from?

The Buddhist replies This is my inner piece .

My girlfriend's dog came running up to us for a cuddle.

"I love you Freddy," she said, stroking his fur.

"I love him more than you," I replied.

She said, "I don't think so, I definitely love him most."

I said, "You misunderstood me."

What is it about being blind...

...that makes people want to walk their dog so much?

What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

A person who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

A young Korean couple are lying in bed...

When the guy starts farting nonstop.

The girl, unable to take the smell, says, "Stop, that's disgusting!"

"Don't blame me", the guy says. "It's the dog."

"Oh, don't blame him", she says. "He was cooked perfectly."

I named my dog WiFi

Because I stole it from my neighbor

I have a pet tree...

It's like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.

My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles.

I took him to the vet. No word yet.

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: 'Make me one with everything'....

After a brief chuckle at the monks joke the vendor hands him his hot dog with everything and says 'That'll be $4 please'.
The monk hands over a $10 bill and waits whilst the vendor just stares back at him....
Awkwardly the monk ask's 'What about my change'?.

'Ah' replies the hot dog vendor, 'Change must come from within'.

Two dogs are sitting in a bar. The first says, "wanna hear a joke?" The second dog says "sure!" The first dog says "knock knock." The second says...

WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!