Dog Bite Jokes
91 dog bite jokes and hilarious dog bite puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dog bite that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Dog Bite Short Jokes
Short dog bite jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dog bite humour may include short dog biting jokes also.
- I can't take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep biting him. I should have known this would happen. He's pure bread...
- I had to stop taking my dog to the park, because the ducks kept biting him. Should have known this would happen. He's pure bread.
- The most loyal, kind and noble of all dog breeds is the hot dog... He's the only one who feeds the hand that bites him
- Did you hear about the dog who owned a leaky three-masted sailing ship? His barque was worse than his bite.
- My dog has to wear this cone till he heals from surgery. It helps with the biting, but the barking? He sounds like a sub-whoofer.
- I was rushed to hospital. A Mad dog just started biting me and ripped off most of my ear.
Doctors have told me, I have an ear and a half to live. - Did you hear the one about the dog who ate a bunch of garlic? His bark was worse than his bite
- Does He Bite Reggie: We have got a new dog. Would you like to come around and play with him?
Ron: Well, I don't know---does he bite?
Reggie: That's what I want to find out. - It really stinks when you bite into what you expect to be a hot dog but it's actually a sausage That's the wurst
- A father and his son are watching their dog clean himself... Son: Don't you wish you could do that, Dad?
Dad: Nah, I'm afraid he might bite me.
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Dog Bite One Liners
Which dog bite one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dog bite? I can suggest the ones about dog treat and dog sitting.
- Why did the Alaskan man name his dog Frost? Because frost bites.
- Spider bite created Spiderman. What would a dog's bite create? Doberman.
- What do you do if your Islamic dog bites you? Muslim
- What do you do if an Islamic dog bites you? Musl-im
- Our neighbors dog would often play the piano His Bach was worse than his bite
- Did you know cat's are impervious to most rattle snake bites? Said every dog ever.
- How do you stop Allahs dog from biting? You muzzle him.
- Why did the snowman call his dog Frost ? Because frost bites !
- Did you hear about the mean sounding hairlip dog? His Mark was worse than his bite.
- What do you call a tiny bug that infests Egyptian dogs and bites them? Flea-o-patra
- How do you stop a dog from biting you on monday? Kill the dog on sunday
- What disease can you get from a gender neutral dog bite? Theybies
- What do you call a dog that likes to do baby bites and is black? A nipper!!
- How do you stop a dog from biting you on Monday? Rip its teeth out.
Merry Christmas! - Why don't Middle Eastern dogs bite as often? Because they Muslim.
Fun-Filled Dog Bite Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about dog bite you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dog tail jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dog bite pranks.
"Does your dog bite?"
"No."
(Tries to touch dog. Dog bites him)
"Argh! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"
"That is not my dog."
A blonde, a red head, and a brunette were on a plane.
The red head takes a bite of an apple doesn't like it she throws it out the window.
The brunette takes a bite out of an orange doesn't like it she throws it out the window.
The blonde takes a bit of a bomb doesn't like it she throws it out the window.
They get out of the plane.
They come up to a little boy asks why he is crying! he says "An apple fell on my dog and killed my dog."
They keep walking and come up to a little girl and asks why she is crying. She says" An orange fell on my cat and killed my cat."
They keep walking.
They come up to a blonde laughing her head off.
"Why are you laughing so hard?" they said.
"When I f**... the building blew up!"
A man walking down the streets sees another man with a very big dog.
One man says to the other, "Does your dog bite?"
The man replies, "No my dog doesn't."
The man pats the dog and has his hand bitten off, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite" said the injured man.
"Thats not my dog", replied the other.
A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch.
"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks.
The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope."
As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs.
As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
The old man mutters, "Ain't my dog."
Man walks into a shop and sees a very handsome dog. He asks the shop assistant, "Does your dog bite?"
"No, my dog doesn't bite."
The man happily tries to pet the dog, but the dog attacks him viciously.
A little later he stumbles to the shop clerk, "Hey, you said your dog doesn't bite!"
The shop clerk shrugs, "He doesn't. But that wasn't my dog."
A man takes his friend gorilla hunting...
He says :
"All you need is a trained dog, a net and a shotgun. I'll climb the tree where the gorilla is sitting and I will shake the branches as hard as I can ! As soon as the gorilla falls on the ground, the dog will bite and rip off his g**.... When it's done, you will be able to put the net on the gorilla and capture him !"
His friend asks :
" Yeah, that sounds nice, but what do we need a shotgun for then ?"
The hunter replies :
"If I fall from the tree...kill the dog."
You better not.
I heard this on Christmas day from an elderly, retired preacher.
Two men were watching a dog lick himself. One of the guys said "Man, I sure wish I could do that!"
The other guy said, "You better not- that dog will bite you!"
Two homeless men...
were sitting under a bridge watching a dog lick its c**....
One of the men said, "I wish I could do that!"
To which the other replied, "Oh no you don't! He took a bite outta my arm the last time I tried!"
Does your dog bite?
Man walking in a park, sees a woman sitting on a bench with a dog at her feet. He walks up to her...
Man: *Does your dog bite?*
Woman: *No*
Man goes and pets the dog, then...
*OUCH!!! I thought you said your dog didn't bite!!!*
Woman: *That's not my dog.*
A classic...
A man is sitting on a park bench, enjoying the day. Next to him sits a dog.
A jogger comes by and asks, "Does your dog bite?"
"No," replies the man.
The jogger reaches over to pet the dog, who promptly bites him.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" exclaims the jogger, nursing his hand.
The man looks up at the jogger and says, "I lied."
Two guys and their dogs are walking down the street...
...one's got a german shepherd and the other's got a chihuahua.
They get hungry so the german shepherd guy suggests they grab a bite to eat at the restaurant on the corner, but his friend says, "They won't let us into a restaurant with our dogs!"
"Just follow my lead," says the first guy.
He walks up and the maitre'd says, "What are you, nuts?! You can't come in here with a dog!"
"But it's a seeing eye dog," the guy with the german shepherd explains.
"Oh, excuse me, now I understand. Go right ahead," says the maitre'd.
The next guy walks up and the maitre'd stops him too. "You can't come in here with a dog!"
Following his friend's cue the guy says, "But it's a seeing eye dog!"
The maitre'd looks skeptical and says, "Sir - that's no seeing eye dog. It's just a chihuahua."
The guy jumps back in shock... "WHAT!? They gave me a chihuahua!!?"
Does your dog bite?
A man walks in the park and sees a man with a dog sitting on a bench.
"Does your dog bite?", asks the first man.
"No"
The man proceeds to pet the dog, but the dog bites him.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!", he says quite angry.
"This is not my dog."
My mom told me this joke, it's from one of the films of 'pink panther'. I've never seen the film though.
Two friends are walking their dogs when the come across a restaurant...
Since they are hungry, they decide to go in and have a bite to eat. They're about to go in when one realizes that the restaurant doesn't allow dogs. The other says that they should pretend to be blind so that their dogs could act as seeing-eye dogs. After going in, the manager comes over to them and asks them to leave because of their dogs. "Ah!" The first guy said. "But my friend and I are blind, and these are our seeing-eye dogs!" "The man eyed him suspiciously. "A German Shepard?" He asked him. "Yes sir! They're using them more and more now. These dogs are extremely reliable!" "Ok," the manager says. "But what about you?" He says, pointing to the other guy, "A chihuahua?" "A CHIHUAHUA!? The other guy says. "THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA!?"
A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.
I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes.
Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, l**... himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy while pointing at Uga and says, "Man, I wish I could do that". His friend looks back at him in surprise and says, "Man, that dog would bite you!"
Dog at the bar
A man's sitting next to a dog at the bar
Woman walks in, "Is your dog friendly? I'm a dog lover, can I pet him?"
Man replies "sure"
Dog proceeds to bite woman
Irate woman to the man, "I thought you said your dog was friendly! "
Man replies, "That aint my dog"
I wouldn't do that if I were you!
Two r**... were sitting on a porch.
A dog walks up on the front lawn and takes a seat. It starts to lick himself. The one readneck looks to other and says, "man, I sure wish I could do that"
The other r**... says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you..that dog will bite you"
Larry comes home to find a gorilla on his roof.
After calling several animal control numbers in the phone book, he finally calls a man who thinks he can handle this gorilla.
The man arrives at the house in a white pickup truck with his dog in the passenger seat and a rifle in the back.
He hands the rifle to Larry and says "So here's what we're gonna do: I'm going to climb up onto your roof and scare the gorilla off. Once he hits the ground, I've trained my dog to go bite his nuts and shake them until the gorilla passes out. After that I'll load him up and go release him in the hills."
Larry thinks about it and decides the plan isn't half bad and may actually work.
"But why'd you give me the rifle?"
"If I fall off the roof, shoot the dog."
A dog is similar to a banana...
... if you bite it, the mushroom overheats the toaster
Two guys walking down the street spot a dog l**... his privates...
"I wish I could do that," one says.
"Don't," the other replies. "The dog would bite you."
Cute little dog.
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.
He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."
There is a dog in the front yard l**... himself.
Two old men sitting on the front porch. There is a dog in the front yard that is l**... himself.
First man, "I wish I could do that."
Second man, "That dog would bite you!"
A man, a dog and a pig are in a boat...
Lost at sea, they wreck the boat and swim to a deserted island. Stranded there for months with little to do, the man begins to get urges and becomes oddly attracted to the pig. The man tries to mount the pig one day and out of no where the dog runs up and bites the man. Two days later, the man tries again. Again, the dog bites the man. The dog is not letting this happen. This continues to happen and suddenly, the man hears a cry from the water and sees a woman struggling as her boat is also wrecked and sinking. He quickly swims out to save the woman and brings her ashore. As she collects herself, she says to the man, "Thank you so much for saving my life! If there is anything I can do for you, and I mean anything, it will be done!" The man replies, "Can you take that dog for a walk?"
2 old men and an old dog are sitting on a porch
The dog is going to town cleaning his t**.... One old guy looks at the other and says, "I'd give just about anything to be able to do that." The other old guy looks at him with a very worried look on his face and replies, "that dog will BITE you."
A guy walks up to another guy with a dog. . .
The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" and the other guy replies, "No, not at all."
So then the guy asks, "Can I pet him?" and the other guy says, "Sure." As the man goes to pet the dog, it bites him viciously. The guy complains, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" which the other person replies, "That isn't my dog."
Sorry if bad format. Heard this joke while at the airport.
My Dad just told me this joke.
A man walks into a bar and sees a guy sitting next to a dog at the bar table. He comes over to the guy and says "Hey, does your dog bite?" "No" the man replies. He claps the dog and it bites his hand aggressively, blood everywhere. "Ahh! I thought you said your dog doesnt bite!?" "....Thats not my dog" replies the man.
Idiot question and answer
Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
A: The outside.
Q: How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose touches the ceiling.
Q: What's a flea's favorite way to travel?
A: Itch-hiking.
Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?
A: Because Frost bites.
A Londoner is walking his dog...
...When he passes a policeman. As he walks past, the dog leaps up and bites the copper's hat off, and tears it to pieces.
"Oi!" the policeman says, "You gonna let your dog get away with that?!"
"Ah, he's just a bleedin' dog! Leave it out!" the Londoner replies.
"I don't like your attitude!" the policeman says.
"It wasn't my 'at he chewed, it was YOUR 'at he chewed!"
Dog bite
A boy sees a man sitting on a park bench with a dog laying next to him. The boy asks the man, "does your dog bite?" The man replies "no." The boy goes over to pet the dog, who then jumps up and bites the boy's hand. With tears in his eyes, the boy cries "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The man responds "I lied."
Two men saw a dog l**... his chimchilly...
Two men were walking home one day. They saw a Pitbul happily sitting on the grass, l**... his private parts, cleaning himself.
The one man turned to his friend, "Dude, I wish I could do that."
His friend turned to him, with a worried look on his face, "But aren't you scared the dog will bite you?"
Two men and a dog sitting out on the porch.
The dog is l**... itself.
One man says to the other, "I wish I could do that!" He responds "he'll bite you."
Ever had to force your dog into taking their medication?
It's the worst, right? You try to cover it with peanut butter, even then they know you're up to something. So it gets kinda physical, have to get in there with both hands and hold them open and push it in with your finger, hoping they don't bite you. Turns into a wrestling match, sometimes. But as it turns out, the trick was we were just using the wrong peanut butter. Ever since we switched to creamy, those suppositories just pop right in.
Two Irishmen are walking along the beach and they see a dog turned around l**... himself.
One of the Irishmen says, Don't ya wish you could do that?
And the other says, Sure, but I'd be afraid he'd bite me!
If you crossed Mr. Clean and McGruff the crime dog, you'd get McClean, who wants to take a bite out of soap.
A drunk old Irish man told me this one...
A man, a pig and his dog are marooned on a deserted island. After a couple of months in isolation the man becomes lonely and begins getting ideas about the pig. But every time he tries it on with the pig, the dog would start biting his leg and barking at him.
One day the man spots a beautiful woman floating on a raft out in the sea. He swims out as fast as he can and rescues her, and brings her onshore. The woman is overwhelmed with gratitude for him and says
Thank you for saving me, I will do anything you want .
With a cheeky glint in his eye, delighted with this offer, the man eagerly says
Brilliant! You see that dog? Go take him for a feckin walk
I have three dogs named Oak, Palm and Maple
Don't be scared to approach them. They're **all bark but no bite**.
Two country men are sitting on the front porch with the dog
The dog starts l**... himself between the legs and one man says Hey look at that, I wish I could do that
The other man says That dog would BITE you!
Two men are sitting on the steps of a country store
As they sit, a dog approaches and begins to lick its c**....
The first man looks to the other and says I wish I could do that.
The other man looks at him and says yeah, but that dog will bite you.
A man is home and sees a gorilla hanging on his backyard tree.
So he naturally picks up the yellow pages and calls the gorilla Removal services. The professional arrives in less than ten minutes, and gets off his van with a pole, a ladder, a dog, a shotgun and handcuffs. He says "I see it's a male gorilla, so I'm taking the ladder up the tree and poke him with this pole. He's gonna fall, and my dog is trained to bite the crouch, so when the gorilla protects his groins, I handcuff him and bring him back to the wild. Hold this gun, please". The man asks "what do I do with it?", and the guy "If I fall from the tree, shoot the dog".
Does the dog know the proverb?
The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.
"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"
"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"
Steve and John are watching the football when Johns dog starts l**... its nuts. Steve says "i wish I could do that"
To which John replies "probably best to pat him first or he might bite ya"
A man asks his neighbour if it's ok to pet his dog
Yea he's a sweetheart, never bit a soul in his life, of course you can! Says the neighbour
The man pats the dog and the dog bites his hand
I thought you said your dog is a sweetheart and doesn't bite! Exclaims the man
The neighbour looks at him shrugging and says
Yes, but that's not my dog
Two r**... watching a dog lick its b**......
The first r**... says, "I wish I could do that." The second r**... says, "I reckon that dog would bite you."
"Excuse me sir, does your dog bite?"
"Naw, he never bites. He's very sweet."
"Aw, who's a good boy? Who's ... OW! UGH, s**...! I'm BLEEDING! YOU SAID YOUR DOG NEVER BITES!!"
"That ain't my dog."
[Long] A r**... was walking with its dog...
A r**... was walking with his dog, when another dog starts to pick a fight with the r**...'s dog, the r**...'s dog with just one bite kills the other dog.
A lot of people get scared, cause there's a lot of blood and carnage, them a guy asks the r**... "What is your dog's breed?"
To wich the r**... responds "Before we cut the tail it was a gator"
A blonde, redhead, and brunette are all on the run from the cops...
They find an abandoned potato factory and each hide in a huge brown sack. The cops arrive and kick the first sack. The redhead yells, "Woof! Woof"! to imitate a dog. The captain says, "Leave it be! We don't need some dog out here biting our ankles". A cop kicks the second sack, and the brunette says, "Meow!" The captain says, "Leave it be! I don't want some cat out here scratching our faces". A cop kicks the last sack, and the blonde says, "Potatoes!"
A married couple were walking through a garden
when suddenly a dog ran towards them.
They both knew it will bite them..
The husband lifted his wife to let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart.
The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away.
The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her.
But his wife shouted, I've seen people throwing stones & sticks at dogs, this is the first time I see someone trying to throw his wife at a dog
Moral : No one else can misunderstand a Husband better than a Wife
The husband gets a love bite on his neck from his secretary
He goes home quite worried, but suddenly gets a brainwave! Upon reaching his house, he allows his pet dog to jump on him and shouts:
"Honey, our dog bit my neck!"
The wife removes her bra and says:
"See what he did to me!"
In Transylvania. We go hunting for bear!
Father tells son:
Son! We go hunting for bear! Bring the dog, rope and the gun.
So the boy asks: Why we need the dog and the rope?
Because, when we go hunting for bear. The bear will be up on the tree. I climb up, shake the bear down. When the bear falls the dog will bite his nutz so you can rope the bear!
But then why we need the gun?
Because if the bear shakes me down, you have to shoot the dog!
A man and his new guard dog
A guy and his dog walk into a bar. The guy orders a beer and the dog flops down on the floor and immediately starts l**... its b**.... "This is my new attack dog," the guy tells the bartender. "He's very dangerous." The bartender looks at the dog that is still flopped down, panting, l**.... "He doesn't look too scary from here, he's more interested in his b**...." "Oh, don't mind that," the guy replies. "He just got done biting my lawyer. He's still trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
b**...
Two guys were sitting on the porch. The one guys dog was l**... its b**.... The other guy said I wish I could do that. The dogs owner said well… he'd probably bite you .
I stole a dog and named it Boomerang
I hope it doesn't come back to bite me in the a**....
Two men are walking down the street when a dog that's foaming at the mouth viciously bites one of them, then runs off...
"Oh my god!" cries the other man. "That dog must have rabies!"
"Rabies?" says the bitten man. Looking frightened and shaky, he takes a notepad and a pen out of his pocket and starts to scribble something down.
"Wait!" says his friend, "We can get you tested and vaccinated for rabies if we go to the hospital right now. You don't have to start writing your will."
"It's not a will, " the bitten man says with an evil grin. "It's a list of people I hate that I want to bite!"
