The Best 35 Doesn Stand Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Doesn Stand jokes. There are some doesn stand jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these doesn stand puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Doesn Stand Jokes and Puns

What does idk stand for?

Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.

When Barack Obama gives his speech, he stands behind a bulletproof glass.

That shows how racist America still is.

Just because he's black, doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone

Thanks Frankie Boyle

A guy named Bob dies and goes to hell

Before him stands the Devil.

"Hello, Bob. Welcome to Hell" the Devil says. "Now there are seven levels of hell and since your only sin was cheating on a science test in third grade, you'll be moved to level 1"

"Okay, that doesn't sound so bad" Says Bob

"Level 1 is the hottest level because heat rises. You would know that if you studied for your science test, Bob"

I can't stand abortions

I'm ok with killing babies... but the idea of a woman making decisions just doesn't sit right with me.

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"


What does "paralympics" stands for?

It doesn't.

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal play hide-and-seek

Einstein decides to be the seeker and begins counting. Pascal immediately runs to a closet and hides inside. Newton doesn't run or try to hide. Instead he takes some tape, makes a box on the ground, and steps inside. Einstein finishes counting and turns around to see Newton standing like an idiot.

"I found you Isaac, great hiding spot," says Einstein.

"You didn't find me," Newton replies. "You found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal!"

Trump used to love the LGBTQ community...

Until he found out it doesn't stand for "Loans Given By The Qataris"

A man is driving down a country road...

... and his car suddenly breaks down. He pulls over and starts to look under the hood when he hears a voice from behind.

"Looks like your timing chain broke"

He turns around and is surprised to see a horse standing there and nobody else around.

The man runs away scared and reaches a farm house about a mile down.

A farmer comes to the door and the man tells him what just happened. He tells him that horse spoke and told him the timing chain broke.

"What?" The farmer asks "wait, was it a brown horse with a white spot on his face?"

"Yes! That's the one!" The man replies.

Farmer: "oh don't listen to him, he doesn't know anything about cars"

"When I donate blood, I don't extract it myself..."

"... the nurse does it for me."

"I understand stand sir, but this is a sperm bank, it doesn't work that way here."

A man walks into a bar..

...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

You can explore doesn stand reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean doesn stand dad jokes. There are also doesn stand puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


"Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. "

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. She doesn't seem to hear what ever I tell her."

The doctor replies, "Oh, is that so? Well, let me try to help you. Just try this method when you get home today. Stand around 50 feet from her and ask her something. If she doesn't hear it, reduce the gap by 10 feet and so on till she can hear what you say."

The man satisfied with the reply, hurries home to try this little technique. He stands around 50 feet away from her, and shouts, "Hey honey, what's for dinner today?" He gets no response, so he moves closer and repeats the same question four more times till he's right next to her.

He asks the same question again and she says, "For heaven's sake, this is the fifth time I'm telling you, it's just fruit salad tonight!"

Tim is out drinking one night...

He wants to go home but is extremely drunk so he decides to walk. After two steps he falls down. He stands up, walks another two steps and falls down again. This continues all the way home where he climbs up the stairs in agony but doesn't utter a single groan since he doesn't want his wife to notice and gets into bed next to her, makes sure he didn't wake her up and sleeps.
The next day, his wife tells him: "Tim, you moron! Didn't I tell you not to go out drinking??? You're a dead loss!" - "But how did you know?" - "You forgot your wheelchair at the bar, that's why!"

Lessons.

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow in the back shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

A guy and his wife are in bed late at night...

... when they hear a knock on the door. The guy goes to the door and answers it and there's a man standing there who says, Hey, guy, can you give me a push?

The guy who answered the door says, no, get lost , and slams the door shut.

He goes back to his bed and his wife asks him what that was all about. He tells her there was this guy at the door wanting a push, and he said no.

She says, Go out there and give him a push. He's probably having car trouble. If you were in need of a push, wouldn't you want someone to get up and help you out?

Reluctantly, he gets out of bed, throws on some shoes and pants and goes out the door. He goes all the way out to the street but doesn't see the man. Out loud, he says, Hey buddy, you still need a push?

The other man says, Yeah .

So the first guy says, Well, where are ya?

The second man says, I'm over here…on the swing.

Genius

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.

A man and his boss are playing golf...

one weekend when a funeral procession goes past. The man takes off his hat and stands silently with eyes downcast. He doesn't move until the procession is out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approves. "You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days" he says as they resume their game.
"Well, I thought it was only right." Replies the man. "After all, we'd been married for ten years."

Why doesn't the US use the metric system?

Because they can't stand foreign rulers.

An old woman falls asleep in church

The priest asks, "How many of you commit adultery? Those who do, stand up." Just then the old lady wakes up and asks her son-in-law, "What did he say?" The son-in-law wants to play a prank and answers "Those who take Tic Tacs have to stand up." The woman, who takes the pills by boxes, stands up. Everyone gasps, and the priest asks, "How could you, at your age?"

"Just because I've got no teeth doesn't mean I can't suck 'em!"


The Trump Years in a Nutshell

2016: Trump doesn't stand a chance.
2017: Trump's still trying?
2018: "Hey, are you guys going to watch the hunger games tonight? I hope my district wins"

How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Doesn't matter. All they're going to do is stand around and talk about changing it.

Last request

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.

The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein is it, and he covers his eyes and begins to count. Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton doesn't move. He leans down, scratches out a square one meter on a side, and just stands there, right in front of Einstein.

Einstein finishes counting, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it!"

Newton replies "No. You found a Newton in a square meter. You found Pascal!"

A circus performer is stopped by the police for having a faulty brake light

As he approaches the car, the policeman spots a set of knives on the back seat.

He asks the man why he has them and doesn't he know it's against the law to carry knives?

The man explains that the knives are used in his act. He juggles them.

The policeman insists the man gets out to show him so he stands at the roadside performing his act.

Just then, another car drives by. The driver of the car turns to his wife and says, Thank goodness I gave up drinking, just look how the police do sobriety tests these days.

I'm cannot stand to live with my flatmate anymore

She doesnt clean the flat, she doesn't cook and she basically just uses me for free rides.

I'm want to move so badly but my boyfriend says "we can't abandon our daughter."

So an elderly woman thinks her husband is starting to go deaf...

The woman decides to test her theory. She stands about 30 feet way and calls to her husband:
"Oh Harry!"

She gets no response. She then stands 20 feet away and calls out to him again:
"Oh Harry!"

She is surprised that he STILL doesn't hear her call so she tries again, this time from 10 feet away:
"Oh Harry!"

Harry exclaims: "For the 3rd time Bertha! What do you want!?"

Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek.

Einstein is it, so he closes his eyes and starts to count. Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton doesn't budge. Right in front of Einstein he bends down and scratches a box in the dirt, one meter on a side. The he just stands there, right in the middle of the box.

Einstein opens his eyes and says "Newton! I found you! You're it!"

"No," says Newton. "You found a Newton in one square meter. You found Pascal!"

A young lady gets on a bus...

A young lady gets on a bus but it's standing room only. A middle-aged man seated next to her is ignoring her, and she says "Excuse me, sir, would you mind standing so a pregnant lady can sit?". He excuses himself and stands for her. As she's sitting down, he realizes she doesn't look pregnant at all. He asks her, "Excuse me miss, but how long have you been pregnant?" She says "About 15 minutes, and boy are my legs tired!".

There's a new wheelchair party forming

But it doesn't really stand for anything.

(At least it'll always have a spokes person)

Did you hear about the paraplegic comedian?

He's great but he doesn't do stand-up.

Two ladies smoking

Two old ladies were standing outside smoking cigarettes. It starts to rain, so one of the old ladies takes out a condom, cuts the tip off and slides it over her cig to keep it dry. The other lady is amazed at her inventiveness! She goes to the pharmacy and tells the pharmacist she needs some condoms. The pharmacist, puzzled, looks at her and says "ma'am they come in all shapes and sizes, which ones do you need?" She replies "doesn't matter, as long as it fits a Camel!"

A little old lady is late for work

And settles into a pew at the back just as the priest is saying "And anyone who has recently committed adultery should stand up." Being somewhat hard of hearing, she asks the boy next to her to repeat what the priest just said. "He asked everyone who wants a mint to stand up." The boy replied mischievously.

The old lady unsteadily gets to her feet, much to the priest's horror. "At your age?" He exclaims, "You should be ashamed!" The old lady swiftly retorts "Just because I don't have any teeth left doesn't mean I can't suck on something from time to time!"

An inspector goes to a mental institution to check if any of the patients had been cured

When he gets there he places an empty pool on the ground. All the patients start squealing with joy, and jumping in the pool, hurting themselves. Only one patient stands to the side and doesn't jump. The inspector goes to ask him why he isn't jumping. The patient says: do you think I'm crazy? I can't swim

A dog gets left in a forest by its owners. A tiger spots it, and thinks to itself: "What is that? It looks delicious." The dog catches wind of it though, and in a bit of quick thinking, it stands in front of a pile of bones, and shouts: "Mmmm, tiger meat is the best! I gotta hunt for more!"

The tiger kills and eats the dog, because it doesn't know dog language.

Teacher student

Teacher giving a lesson on circulation of blood says to her class, Now, if I stood on my head, the blood as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.

Yes the whole class agrees.

Then why is it, she continues, that while I am standing upright, the blood doesn't run into my feet?

One little fellow shouts, Cause your feet ain't empty!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the doesn stand jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working doesn stand piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes