Doesn Stand Jokes
104 doesn stand jokes and hilarious doesn stand puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about doesn stand that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Doesn Stand Short Jokes
Short doesn stand jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The doesn stand humour may include short stand jokes also.
- Deaf people aren't known to be very rational They have trouble making sound decisions.
- Trump used to love the LGBTQ community... Until he found out it doesn't stand for "Loans Given By The Qataris"
- The Trump Years in a Nutshell 2016: Trump doesn't stand a chance.
2017: Trump's still trying?
2018: "Hey, are you guys going to watch the hunger games tonight? I hope my district wins" - How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb? Doesn't matter. All they're going to do is stand around and talk about changing it.
- There's a new wheelchair party forming But it doesn't really stand for anything.
(At least it'll always have a spokes person) - This girl from IKEA keeps calling me late into the day What doesn't she get about one Night Stand?
- It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window. If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.
- Empty brain A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
B: It's because your feet aren't empty. - I got kicked out of church Apparently it's rude to say going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- It doesn't matter whether you stand up or sit down to urinate... ...as long as your gender fluid is going into the toilet where it belongs.
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Doesn Stand One Liners
Which doesn stand one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with doesn stand? I can suggest the ones about stood and long stand.
- What does idk stand for? Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.
- What does "paralympics" stands for? It doesn't.
- Why doesn't the US use the metric system? Because they can't stand foreign rulers.
- Did you hear about the paraplegic comedian? He's great but he doesn't do stand-up.
- My Google Home... doesn't know what idk stands for. Now I'll never know.
- What do you do when your one night stand doesn't take Plan B? Plan C-ya.
- I can't stand for this. Only because this doesn't start with an I.
- What does WTC stand for? Well, it doesn't
- Why can't Lebron stand on his tippy toes? Because he doesn't have support from his Cavs
- Why doesn't the bike stand by itself? Because it's two tired.
- Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
- Blonde: What does IDK stand for? Brunette: I don't know Blonde: Why doesn't anyone know!
- A disabled person and I are about to race. He doesn't stand a chance with me.
- Why don't lemonade stands charge a full dollar for drinks? It doesn't make any cents.
Delightful Fun Doesn Stand Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about doesn stand you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean night stand jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make doesn stand pranks.
Doctor: "Yes, what is it I can do for you?"
Blond: "Doctor, yesterday, when I was doing my yoga, one of my friends told me that if I did this particular exercise, all my body’s blood would go into my head. But, when I stand, why doesn’t anyone say that all the blood would go into the legs?"
Doctor: "The fact’s your legs are not that hollow as your head is."
A girl started noticing a guy who stands in front of her home everyday in the evening.
She noticed the guy always comes mostly in the evenings and weekends.
The guy never tried to talk to her nor showed any gesture, he just moves here and there by looking into his mobile phone and occasionally stealing a stare at her.
It went on like that for a year and the girl understood the guy was in love with her but was too shy to express his feelings.
So, she told her parents.
They too saw him and liked him.
They discussed with her grandparents about a likely marriage.
But wanted her to make the first move.
The next day, she went to him and said, Hi. I'm Jada.
He said, Hi. I'm Smith.
Hearing this, the girl was very happy as the names were matching like Will Smith and Jada Pinkett.
The girl went on and said, I really appreciate your patience and decency.
You have been standing in front of my home everyday for about a year now.
So, I understand that you are in love with me but too shy to say it.
I think i really like you too and would love it if we get married.
The guy smiled and said, Forgive me sister! Actually your home's WIFI doesn't have a password. So, i come here every evening after work to use free wi-fi to chat with my girlfriend.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Steve Rogers in Captain America: The First Avenger is a college student.
1. A friendly man gets him to do drugs.
2. He has to work real hard to get his friend out of trouble.
3. He takes a stand against people with different ideology.
4. He doesn't get the girl.
And,
5. When he finally goes to sleep, he doesn't wake up for 70 years.
Robert walks into the bar down the street from his house...
He proceeds to drink his fill and is quite drunk, tries to stand up, gets his feet and proceeds to fall face first onto the floor. Jake the barkeep says "Robert can I help you get home?" No No Robert replies, my wife will be home in the morning and I need to get home so she doesn't she suspect anything. So Robert crawls to the door gets to his feet and proceeds to fall flat on his face. The barkeep again asks "Robert let me help you get home" Robert's reply I'll manage and the door closes. Robert proceeds to crawl down the street all the way to his house, up the stairs and into bed all before his wife gets home.
Robert wakes up the next morning to his wife with a stern look on her face. Robert knowing that he got home before her asks "what?" She says I see you were at the bar drinking last night and were quite drunk. Robert perplexed at how she knew this asks "how did you know?" His wife replies "Jake called this morning to say that you forgot your wheel chair at the bar last night..."
A man and his boss are playing golf...
one weekend when a f**... procession goes past. The man takes off his hat and stands silently with eyes downcast. He doesn't move until the procession is out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approves. "You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days" he says as they resume their game.
"Well, I thought it was only right." Replies the man. "After all, we'd been married for ten years."
I want to believe Pistorius......
... But it's pretty clear his argument doesn't have a leg to stand on
The Trained Dog
A woman goes to a pet store and asks to buy a trained dog.
The owner walks to the back and shows the woman three dogs.
"Here are our dogs." the owner says, "The first dog knows the commands 'sit', 'stay' and 'lay down'. She costs $500. The second dog knows the commands 'roll over', 'fetch' and 'beg'. He costs $700. The third dog will obey any command he hears and costs $50."
Seeing a good deal the woman buys the $50 dog. She takes it home and tries out some commands.
"Sit" the woman says.
The dog just stands there blinking.
"Roll over" the woman says.
The dog continues to stand there.
"Lay down" she says angrily.
The dog still just stands there.
The woman takes the dog and goes back to the pet store.
"You lied to me!" the woman yells at the owner "You said he would obey any command but it doesn't do anything!"
"I didn't lie to you" the owner said, "I just failed to mention that the dog is deaf."
Tim is out drinking one night...
He wants to go home but is extremely drunk so he decides to walk. After two steps he falls down. He stands up, walks another two steps and falls down again. This continues all the way home where he climbs up the stairs in agony but doesn't utter a single groan since he doesn't want his wife to notice and gets into bed next to her, makes sure he didn't wake her up and sleeps.
The next day, his wife tells him: "Tim, you m**...! Didn't I tell you not to go out drinking??? You're a dead loss!" - "But how did you know?" - "You forgot your wheelchair at the bar, that's why!"
Paraprosdokians
*A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis.*
Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.
I like going to the park and watching the children run around ... because they don't know I'm using blanks. (Emo Philips)
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing ... after they have tried everything else. (Winston Churchill)
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' ... I put 'DOCTOR'.
If I am reading this graph correctly ... I'd be very surprised. (Stephen Colbert)
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat. (Will Rogers)
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)
You're never too old to learn ...something s**....
A young lady gets on a bus...
A young lady gets on a bus but it's standing room only. A middle-aged man seated next to her is ignoring her, and she says "Excuse me, sir, would you mind standing so a pregnant lady can sit?". He excuses himself and stands for her. As she's sitting down, he realizes she doesn't look pregnant at all. He asks her, "Excuse me miss, but how long have you been pregnant?" She says "About 15 minutes, and boy are my legs tired!".
Straws and Toothpicks
A bartender is clearing up for the night when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it he finds a homeless man standing there who asks
"Excuse me but could I bother you for a toothpick?"
The bartender doesn't see why not and so gives the man a tooth pick.
Later on there is another knock at the door and it another homeless man who again asks
"Excuse me could you give me a toothpick?"
And again the bartender gives him a toothpick.
Just as he is away to look up the bartender hears one final knock at the door. Upon opening it he sees just like the two previous times: a homeless man. Only this time he asks for a straw. The bartender fetches a straw but out of curiosity asks why. The homeless man says
"Some guy threw up round the corner, and all the good stuff is gone."
Lessons.
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow in the back shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
A guy and his wife are in bed late at night...
... when they hear a knock on the door. The guy goes to the door and answers it and there's a man standing there who says, Hey, guy, can you give me a push?
The guy who answered the door says, no, get lost , and slams the door shut.
He goes back to his bed and his wife asks him what that was all about. He tells her there was this guy at the door wanting a push, and he said no.
She says, Go out there and give him a push. He's probably having car trouble. If you were in need of a push, wouldn't you want someone to get up and help you out?
Reluctantly, he gets out of bed, throws on some shoes and pants and goes out the door. He goes all the way out to the street but doesn't see the man. Out loud, he says, Hey buddy, you still need a push?
The other man says, Yeah .
So the first guy says, Well, where are ya?
The second man says, I'm over here…on the swing.
Three fishermen
Bob, Steve, and Terry are out in the boat, fishing and drinking beer. Terry stands up to pee over the side but falls overboard and sinks right to the bottom.
Steve doesn't hesitate. He kicks off his shoes and dives into the water after Terry. A few moments later, he surfaces, dragging the body behind, and immediately begins mouth-to-mouth.
"Jeez," he gasps. "Terry sure does have bad breath!"
"Yeah," says Bob. "And where did he get that snowmobile suit?"
As usual, a husband and wife are quarreling at the breakfast table..
The husband finally gets so frustrated that he stands up, yells "Oh yea, and you're no good in bed either!", and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was probably a bit too harsh and decides to call his wife to apologize. She doesn't pick up for a while, and when she finally answers her phone, the irritated husband blurts out, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She repiles, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
So an elderly woman thinks her husband is starting to go deaf...
The woman decides to test her theory. She stands about 30 feet way and calls to her husband:
"Oh Harry!"
She gets no response. She then stands 20 feet away and calls out to him again:
"Oh Harry!"
She is surprised that he STILL doesn't hear her call so she tries again, this time from 10 feet away:
"Oh Harry!"
Harry exclaims: "For the 3rd time Bertha! What do you want!?"
An old man is concerned that his wife is starting to go deaf...
The old man goes to the doctor and says, "My wife can't hear very well anymore and I am getting worried. What should I do to help her?"
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "First we need to understand how serious the problem is. Stand 25 feet away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, walk 5 ft closer and ask again. Repeat this until she can hear you and then let me know how far away you were standing."
The man is so concerned for his wife that he agrees to do what the doctor suggested. When he gets home, he sees his wife cooking in the kitchen. He stands 25 feet from his wife and says, "What's for dinner?"
The wife does not answer and he walks closer, "What's for dinner?"
The man does this 2 more times until he is standing only 5 feet from his wife. The man is now very worried and tries one last time, "What's for dinner?"
The wife looks over and yells at him, "I HAVE TOLD YOU 4 TIMES ALREADY, WE ARE HAVING LASAGNA!"
Oscar Pistorius' new book deal
I thought I'd share a joke I just heard from a topic on a call-in radio show.
Radio DJ: "Should Oscar Pistorius profit from a book deal about the night he shot his girlfriend?"
Caller: "No he should not. I think you'll find that legally he doesn't have a leg to stand on."
It's the day of a highschooler's first prom....
and he's excited to take his sweetheart to the dance.
He goes to the flower shop to get flowers. He expects there to be a lot of people buying flowers, but there's no flower line.
Next he goes to a store that has tuxedos. He expects there to be other kids shopping for tuxes, but there's no tux line at that store.
Finally, with everything ready, he picks up his girl and goes to the prom. This time it's definitely busy. They dance and dance, then his girlfriend says she's thirsty. His feet are sore, so he doesn't really want to stand waiting for drinks, but he makes his way through the crowd anyway, gets to the punch table and it turns out there's no punch line!
[Dark joke] The little girl next to a canyon...
A little girl stands next to a canyon crying. An old man stops at her and asks her "whats up? what happened?".
The girl said "My parents fell down and died! Now I am out all alone!". The old man opens his trousers zip. "Doesn't seem to be your day".
Two ladies smoking
Two old ladies were standing outside smoking cigarettes. It starts to rain, so one of the old ladies takes out a c**..., cuts the tip off and slides it over her cig to keep it dry. The other lady is amazed at her inventiveness! She goes to the pharmacy and tells the pharmacist she needs some condoms. The pharmacist, puzzled, looks at her and says "ma'am they come in all shapes and sizes, which ones do you need?" She replies "doesn't matter, as long as it fits a Camel!"
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal play hide-and-seek
Einstein decides to be the seeker and begins counting. Pascal immediately runs to a closet and hides inside. Newton doesn't run or try to hide. Instead he takes some tape, makes a box on the ground, and steps inside. Einstein finishes counting and turns around to see Newton standing like an idiot.
"I found you Isaac, great hiding spot," says Einstein.
"You didn't find me," Newton replies. "You found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal!"
I'm writing a rebuttal for a coming inter-class debate and planning to use Manchester United's defence as an analogy, but my teacher says it doesn't even stand a chance.
I'm writing a rebuttal for a coming inter-class debate and planning to use Manchester United's defence as an analogy, but my teacher says it doesn't even stand a chance.
I'm now confused...
Genius
A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.
"Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. "
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. She doesn't seem to hear what ever I tell her."
The doctor replies, "Oh, is that so? Well, let me try to help you. Just try this method when you get home today. Stand around 50 feet from her and ask her something. If she doesn't hear it, reduce the gap by 10 feet and so on till she can hear what you say."
The man satisfied with the reply, hurries home to try this little technique. He stands around 50 feet away from her, and shouts, "Hey honey, what's for dinner today?" He gets no response, so he moves closer and repeats the same question four more times till he's right next to her.
He asks the same question again and she says, "For heaven's sake, this is the fifth time I'm telling you, it's just fruit salad tonight!"
How many friendzoned guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It doesn't matter how many you get, they'll all just stand there and compliment it and then complain when it won't screw.
Did you hear? Johnny from down the street got leprosy!
Poor guy doesn't have a leg to stand on...
(credit to my friend Albert)
Some Chuck Norris Jokes
- Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
- Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people. Then the grenade exploded.
- When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
- Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
- Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it without a single remark.
- Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
- When Lee Harvey Oswald shot Kennedy, Chuck Norris caught the bullets with his own bare hands. JFK's head exploded simply because he was so overawed.
Hi, I'm black and I really can't stand it when my white friend doesn't answer my calls. They say old habits die hard, but some habits never die..
Like the white men leaving us hanging
Last request
The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."
When barack obama gives his speech, he stands behind a bulletproof glass.
That shows how racist America still is.
Just because he's black, doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone
Thanks Frankie Boyle
I finally understand why Colin Kaepernick didn't vote!
He doesn't like *standing* in-line.
A man walks into a bar..
...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, n**... or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-a**... love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
A police officer sees a beaten up woman laying on the ground with a man standing over her.
The woman is unconscious and clearly was injured.
"What happened to her?" asked the cop.
"The clap," said the man.
"The clap doesn't do that to people," said the cop.
"Well," said the man, "it does when you give it to me."
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
People always say the world doesn't revolve around me
It does if I stand on the north pole
In response to the recent Airline controversy
We must stand United. This just doesn't fly.
An old cowboy is sitting at a bar next to a young Japanese man
An old cowboy is sitting at a bar next to a young Japanese man.
The cowboy turns to the Japanese man, scowling and grunts "Hey kid, do you know King Fu or Jiu Jitsu or somewhat?
Severely offended the Japanese man says, "Just because I'm 'Oriental' doesn't mean I know Martial Arts."
The cowboy stands up and says, "No it's 'cause you're drink'in my beer."
-Credit goes to my grandpa
Two men are sitting in a bar...
...one of them is drinking quite heavily.
The other asks, What's the problem friend?
The drunk replies, I just found out my mother is a p**....
The other stands up, retorting, What?! I need to find that woman and talk to her!
The drunk responds, Sit down, it's not worth it. She doesn't even offer a 'family and friends' discount.
A boy stands before a judge
His parents are divorcing, and the judge asks him to choose where to live.
Do you want to live with your dad? asks the judge.
No, because he beats me replies the boy.
Would you like to live with your mother?
No, she beats me too. I want to live with Eli Manning.
Confused, the judge asks Why do you want to live with Manning?
Because he doesn't beat anybody.
It's a real shame that, in this day and age, Barrack Obama had to give his speech about Martin Luther King Jr., while standing behind bullet proof glass...
Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot somebody...
An old woman falls asleep in church
The priest asks, "How many of you commit adultery? Those who do, stand up." Just then the old lady wakes up and asks her son-in-law, "What did he say?" The son-in-law wants to play a prank and answers "Those who take Tic Tacs have to stand up." The woman, who takes the pills by boxes, stands up. Everyone gasps, and the priest asks, "How could you, at your age?"
"Just because I've got no teeth doesn't mean I can't s**... 'em!"
If countries and organizations were represented as people, the EU would just be a torso.
It's brainless, and doesn't have a leg to stand on.
I stand for feminism
My wife doesn't believe in all these feminist things so I beat her...
A Lot of Jokes Are Often Lame Nowadays.
Doesn't take a blind man to see it, or a deaf man to hear it. Jokes nowadays just can't stand on their own.
Cow land
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
A widow
A widow is sitting in the church at her husband's f**... when a man she doesn't know walks up to her and says
I'm very sorry for your loss, do you mind if I say a word?
Sure the woman replies
The man stands in front of the gathered mourners, clears his t**... and says Plethora.
He then walks back to the widow who says.... thanks, that means a lot
Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek.
Einstein is it, so he closes his eyes and starts to count. Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton doesn't budge. Right in front of Einstein he bends down and scratches a box in the dirt, one meter on a side. The he just stands there, right in the middle of the box.
Einstein opens his eyes and says "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
"No," says Newton. "You found a Newton in one square meter. You found Pascal!"
An old man suspects that his wife has become deaf as she wasn't responding to him
So he calls the doctor to make an appointment. The doctor suggests to make a rough measure of her deafness before bringing her into the hospital.
He sees her wife working at the kitchen.
He stands 30 feet away from her and asks,
"Honey, is the dinner ready?"
She doesn't respond
He stands 20 feet away from her and asks,
"Honey, is the dinner ready?"
She doesn't respond
He stands 10 feet away from her and asks,
"Honey, is the dinner ready?"
She responds,
"YES. This is the third time I'm answering you."
A man is driving down a country road...
... and his car suddenly breaks down. He pulls over and starts to look under the hood when he hears a voice from behind.
"Looks like your timing chain broke"
He turns around and is surprised to see a horse standing there and nobody else around.
The man runs away scared and reaches a farm house about a mile down.
A farmer comes to the door and the man tells him what just happened. He tells him that horse spoke and told him the timing chain broke.
"What?" The farmer asks "wait, was it a brown horse with a white spot on his face?"
"Yes! That's the one!" The man replies.
Farmer: "oh don't listen to him, he doesn't know anything about cars"
An inspector goes to a mental institution to check if any of the patients had been cured
When he gets there he places an empty pool on the ground. All the patients start squealing with joy, and jumping in the pool, hurting themselves. Only one patient stands to the side and doesn't jump. The inspector goes to ask him why he isn't jumping. The patient says: do you think I'm crazy? I can't swim
A guy drinks all night in a pub
When the pub closes, he tried to go home, but he can't stand on his feet, so he decides to crawl outside, maybe the fresh air will make him feel better.
But even outside he doesn't manage to get on his feet, so without a choice he crawls until he gets home, barely manages to reach the door handle, and crashes on the bed.
When he wakes up, his wife yells at him "where drinking all night again?!"
"How did you know?" He asks.
"Cause the guy from the pub called and said you forgot your wheelchair"
A little old lady is late for work
And settles into a pew at the back just as the priest is saying "And anyone who has recently committed adultery should stand up." Being somewhat hard of hearing, she asks the boy next to her to repeat what the priest just said. "He asked everyone who wants a mint to stand up." The boy replied mischievously.
The old lady unsteadily gets to her feet, much to the priest's horror. "At your age?" He exclaims, "You should be ashamed!" The old lady swiftly retorts "Just because I don't have any teeth left doesn't mean I can't s**... on something from time to time!"
Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee.
Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee. One turns to the other and says, Your dinky doesn't have any skin on it. That's because I've been circumcised, he replies. Cor! What does that mean?
It means the skin's been cut off the end. How old were you when they did that? About two days old. Did it hurt? It sure did. I didn't walk for a year.
Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek
Einstein is it, and he covers his eyes and begins to count. Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton doesn't move. He leans down, scratches out a square one meter on a side, and just stands there, right in front of Einstein.
Einstein finishes counting, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
Newton replies "No. You found a Newton in a square meter. You found Pascal!"
"When I donate blood, I don't extract it myself..."
"... the nurse does it for me."
"I understand stand sir, but this is a s**... bank, it doesn't work that way here."
A circus performer is stopped by the police for having a faulty brake light
As he approaches the car, the policeman spots a set of knives on the back seat.
He asks the man why he has them and doesn't he know it's against the law to carry knives?
The man explains that the knives are used in his act. He juggles them.
The policeman insists the man gets out to show him so he stands at the roadside performing his act.
Just then, another car drives by. The driver of the car turns to his wife and says, Thank goodness I gave up drinking, just look how the police do sobriety tests these days.
Teacher student
Teacher giving a lesson on circulation of blood says to her class, Now, if I stood on my head, the blood as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.
Yes the whole class agrees.
Then why is it, she continues, that while I am standing upright, the blood doesn't run into my feet?
One little fellow shouts, Cause your feet ain't empty!
A dog gets left in a forest by its owners. A tiger spots it, and thinks to itself: "What is that? It looks delicious." The dog catches wind of it though, and in a bit of quick thinking, it stands in front of a pile of bones, and shouts: "Mmmm, tiger meat is the best! I gotta hunt for more!"
The tiger kills and eats the dog, because it doesn't know dog language.