Doctors Jokes
155 doctors jokes and hilarious doctors puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about doctors that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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- Short Doctors Jokes
- Doctors One Liners
- I Went To The Doctors Jokes
- Doctors Day Jokes
- Nurses And Doctors Jokes
- Doctors Nurses Jokes
- More Doctors Jokes
Funniest Doctors Short Jokes
Short doctors jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The doctors humour may include short jokes also.
- A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh." The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."
pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!" - Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
- Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.
- The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.
- Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus. Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.
- After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids We think the doctor would do a way better job than us
- I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight Sigh...
- A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
- I asked my doctor when we could anticipate an end to the coronavirus epidemic He said I don't know. I'm not really into politics.
- The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again. I can't tell you how upset I am.
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Doctors One Liners
Which doctors one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with doctors? I can suggest the ones about and .
- Doctor: Sir, i'm afraid your DNA is backwards Me: And ?
- Doctor: sorry sir but your body has run out of magnesium Me: 0mg
- Doctor: Sir, I have some bad news, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards Me: and?
- What type of doctor treats transgender men? A guynowcologist.
- My doctor told me that I had a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
- My Roman doctor said I needed an IV. I asked: For what?
- For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats I'm gonna miss tumblr
- Sir, you've got a very rare disease Me: "How rare?"
Doctor: "You pick the name" - You'll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody.
- The doctor said I had Gloria Gaynor Syndrome At first I was afraid...
- Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's Patient: Atleast Idont have cancer
- This morning, the doctor told me I was colorblind. It came completely out of the orange.
- Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means one person enjoys it
- I don't know what HD is, But my doctor just told me I got 80 of them
- My doctor advised me to stay away from trans fats. I guess I should really get off Tumblr
I Went To The Doctors Jokes
Here is a list of funny i went to the doctors jokes and even better i went to the doctors puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty." I asked " no bacon? No burgers?!"
To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! " - I went to the doctors with hearing problems... He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair" - My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."
- I went to the doctor because I'm being constantly followed by nearly 20 crows. She says I have Corvid 19.
- Went to the doctor's today, he told me I was going deaf That news was hard for me to hear
- I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him. Judge gave me 30 years.
So I mean who's the real winner here? - I went to the doctor's recently. He told me, Don't eat anything fatty. Me: You mean like bacon and burgers?
Doctor: No fatty. Don't eat anything. - My whole life before age 12 was a blur. That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.
- Went to see my doctor about a blocked ear He asked me to describe the symptoms.
I said homer is a fat bloke and marge has blue hair - I went to see my doctor, and he told me I was overweight. I said, "I want a second opinion."
He said, "Alright. You're ugly."
Doctors Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny doctors day jokes and even better doctors day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Sex every day Says the patient to her female doctor:
"Doctor, my husband wants to have sex every day, what is the best thing to give him?"
Doctor: "My number..." - Got the best compliment from my doctor today He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
- My doctor he dont help either, he told me to run 5 Miles a Day for two weeks I called him up I said "Doc im 70 miles from my house"
-Rodney Dangerfield - My grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. " I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths?
- An apple a day keeps the doctor away... An orange a day keeps the plumber away...
Basically if you throw fruit at people they go away. - Doctor: I've got some bad news. You have an incurable disease, you don't have long to live. Man: How long do I have, doc?
Doctor: 10
Man: 10 what? Months? Weeks? Days?
Doctor: 9 - We all know 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9...but why did 7 eat 9? Because the doctor said to eat 3 squared meals a day
- "Why are you late?" my teacher asked. "My dad's in the hospital," I replied. Seven days later I was still late. Teacher said, "Is your dad still in the hospital?"
"Yes, he's a doctor." - Why don't golddiggers eat fruit? An apple a day keeps the doctors away
- Doctor please Doctor: "I'm afraid you're going to have to take one of these pills every day for the rest of your life."
Patient: "But you only prescribed 7 pills!"
Doctor: "Exactly!"
Nurses And Doctors Jokes
Here is a list of funny nurses and doctors jokes and even better nurses and doctors puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. Who was that?
- Doctor: I think the patient is dying. What's his blood type? Nurse: B positive.
Doctor: Okay. I think the patient is going to make it. - It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system. You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.
- After my prostate exam the doctor walked out and the nurse walked in. Then she asked me something no man wants to hear.. Who was that..
- How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes two doctors and a nurse to get it out.
- Me: You've gotta let me see a doctor, I'm shrinking! Nurse: Well, the doctor's busy, so you'll just have to be a little patient.
- Nurse pops her head into the doctor's office..... Nurse: 'Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room.'
Doctor: 'Tell him I can't see him.' - I can tell we still live in a sexist society because... Doctors still make more money than nurses.
- An invisible man was in the waiting room. "Your patient is here, doctor," the nurse said.
The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him right now." - I woke up in the middle of an operation once. The nurse said Don't worry, you just drifted off for a minute doctor.
Doctors Nurses Jokes
Here is a list of funny doctors nurses jokes and even better doctors nurses puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I will never vaccinate my child. I'd rather a doctor or nurse do it.
- After the doctor left the room from my prostate exam, the nurse came in with three words I didn't want to hear. "Who was that?"
- I was in the hospital bed when a nurse came up to me and said, "Would you like me to inform anyone that you're here?" I said, "Yes. The doctor."
- Invisible Man A nurse says, "Doctor, the invisible man is here for his three o'clock."
The doctor says, "Well, tell him I can't see him." - (Really happened) went to the doctors with my wife Claire The nurse asked if she had an "I". I said she has 2 otherwise she couldn't have driven us here.
- Doctor Visit After my Prostate Exam, the doctor left. When the nurse came in as she shut the door, she whispered three words no man wants to hear:
Who was that?" - What did the doctor tell the nurse after he made a mistake on the blood type record He made a type o
- A new hospital opens for the first time, and the doctor is getting antsy... "What are we waiting for?" the doctor asks.
"Patients, Doctor," replied the nurse. "Patients." - The invisible man Nurse: "Hey doctor, there's a guy out there who thinks he's invisible."
Doctor: "Tell him to wait, I can't see him right now." - My 9 year old son just told me this one Q: What do you call 5 doctors and nurses on a ship?
A: A decade
Ba dum tish.
Doctors Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about doctors you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make doctors pranks.
Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?
It's s**.... You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.
So a guy walks into the doctors office...
...and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I woke up this morning and my left eye was blind!"
"Alright," says the Doctor, "have a seat and I'll check you out."
The doctor looks him in the eye, and after a second says "Well, you're going to have to stop m**... for a little while."
"Why?" asks the man.
"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."
A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!"
The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."
A man has undergone the first successful hand transplant in the UK. Doctors say he can move his fingers, but still doesn't have any feeling.
Also, he won't come out of the bathroom for some reason.
Joke directed insult
A woman walks into the doctors office. She says she wants a child, but doesnt want to have s**.... The doctor says ok and asks what kind of child she wants. The woman said she wanted a smart and handsome kid. The doctor then hands her a blue pill.
A few months later, the woman comes back and says she has had a miscarriage but still wants a child. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she wants. The woman said she will have a regular kid this time. The doctor then hands her a red pill.
Even more months later, the woman returns and says shes had a miscarriage but still wants a kid. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she will want. She says since the other ones did not work out she will have a ugly, s**... kid. The doctor says ok and hands her a pill.
*At this point the joke teller asks the victim what color they think the pill is.
*The response will most likely be "I don't know, what?"
*The joke teller then says "I don't know, try asking your mother."
Immaturity at its best.
Medical School Entrance Exam...
When I was young (100 yrs. Ago) and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when e**...."
Those who spelled "SPINE" became Doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.
Born without eyelids.
Last week a little boy was born at the hospital without any eyelids. Puzzled the doctors didn't know what to make of it. In a snap of genius, when they circumcised the boy they also replaced his missing eyelids. Only problem is now he's c**...-eyed.
So a doctor has s**... with one of his patients...
And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have s**... with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"
An old man doesn't feel well...
So he and his wife go to the doctors office. When they meet with the doctor he says "We need to do a full workup and run some tests. I'm going to need a u**... sample, a stool sample and a s**... sample". The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "eh?". His wife just rolls her eyes and says "Frank, just give him your underwear!"
Entrance Exam
A recent entrance exam for Medical School included several questions that would determine eligibility.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when e**...."
Those who spelled 'spine' became Doctors.
The rest ended up in Congress.
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery.
But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
A young burn victim gets new eyelids made from his f**...!
Doctors say he will be a little cockeyed.
Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.
Because they were Veteran Aryans.
A baby boy was born without eyelids. After the circumcision, the doctors used the f**... to make eyelids.
Now he's cockeyed.
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of...
...a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, very serious," said the doctor gravely. "There are three doctors there already."
Doctors say they found a food that causes years of pain and suffering after its eaten...
It's called wedding cake
(AP) New York - A baby delivered without eyelids had surgery today at Mount Sinai Hospital in Manhattan, NY. Doctors successfully removed the child's f**... and were able to use the tissue to successfully form eyelids. Doctors said the child will be fine.
Just a little cockeyed.
I'm writing this from the hospital
Don't worry! The doctors say I'm going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
The doctors say I suffer from insanity, but they have it all wrong.
I enjoy every minute of it.
The vaccine conspiracy
Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:
"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"
"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"
After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:
"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"
50% of Japanese doctors have Cataracts...
The other 50% drive Rincolns.
Husband send a text to his wife
Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.
Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?
Three Doctors
Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'' Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They're gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.''
What`s the difference between a Doctors Without Borders hospital and ISIS?
How would I know, I`m just a US Air Force Operator.
TIL
Abortion doctors are also called spawn campers
9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda
that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan
I was at the doctors office the other day...
So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some a**...'s got my pen."
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
A black man walks into the doctors with a fancy parrot in his shoulder
The doctor says "what a magnificent creature, where did you get that?"
The parrot replies "Africa there's millions of them"
A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...
She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."
Doctors have confirmed that m**... is life threatening
Many men have died after having a s**...
Why are doctors always calm?
They have a lot of patients.
Sorry.
TIL that 9/10 Doctors agree , drinking water is good for children
The tenth doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
Nine out of ten doctors suggest you drink water instead of soda.
The one that doesn't lives in Flint, Michigan.
I went to the doctors about my hearing..
I went to the doctors about my hearing and the doctors asked me "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said "Yeah, Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair"
An engineer said: When I was young I decided to go to medical school.
At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the alphabets
P N E I S
and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when straight.
Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are Engineers.
Drugs?
So the other day I went to the doctors for an annual checkup, before we started he asked "have you been doing any drugs?", I replied with "does love count as a drug?", he said "love is the strongest drug out there!", I then said "that's good cause I'm in love with c**...!".
Abortion clinics should be banned
Those doctors demonstrate a complete lack of humanity. Spawn killing is a filthy tactic.
What did the doctors use to keep 4 Romans alive?
IVs
Why do doctors recommend apple juice?
Cause OJ will kill you.
What do you call two doctors who aren't sure if God is real?
Diagnostic.
In one Intensive care unit
people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had video cameras to catch the whole thing on tape. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.
I'm 1/16th Cherokee...
Not by ancestry, but because I got into a terrible accident in my Jeep and the doctors were unable to remove all the shrapnel.
Please stop hating on Trump, he saved my friend's life!
Earlier last year my friend had been in a coma for years. The doctors tried everything and told us to pray for a miracle.
And then one day his nurse came and switched the TV to Trump's campaign, he woke up and turned it off.
A man goes to the doctors as he thinks he's going deaf
What are the symptoms? The doctor asks
They're that yellow family that live in Springfield
A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.
"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.
"What are they?"
"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."
"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.
"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."
The man laughs and says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
A man went into the doctors with both ears severely burned...
The doctor said 'Christ man, how did you manage that?!'
The man replied 'Well, I was doing the ironing when I suddenly heard the phone ring. I can't believe that I did this, but I accidentally pressed the iron to my ear instead of the phone!'
The doctor thought for a moment and said 'that explains one ear, but how did you burn the other one?'
The man replied 'Well, I burned that one trying to call an ambulance!'
A pig goes to the doctors with swine flu.
The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.
When he gets there he's instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.
He chuckles to himself and thinks, "what's this supposed to do, cure me!"
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.
One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when e**...."
Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.
Don't you just hate it when med students call themselves doctors?
I mean you don't see engineering students calling themselves engineers or arts students calling themselves baristas
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.
"Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."
The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"
Im not going to vaccinate my kids because its too dangerous
Id rather the doctors do it to ensure its done right
As I regained consciousness in the hospital from last night's car c**...
the doctors were trying to convince me I'm actually a Swedish guy who has forgotten his identity... But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday.
North Korea is handling Covid surprisingly well
Last week 9/10 doctors said Covid-19 was under control,
This week the stat went up to 9/9!
Thought I'd let you all know I'm in the hospital.
Thee doctors say I'll be fine but I must warn you, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
A doctor received a call from his colleague.
"We need a fourth to join us for a game of golf," said his friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting his pants on, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," he answered gravely. "In fact, they are three doctors there already."
President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19
Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.
Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.
It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling his old self.
A woman went to the doctor's office and seen by one of the new young doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
A man was rushed to hospital with 6 toy horses stuck up his a**......
The doctors describe his condition as stable.
A man goes to a doctors office, and says Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts
He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, I think you have a broken finger.
Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with v**... on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.
Doctor, doctor
A man goes into the doctors and says "doctor doctor I think I'm going deaf" and the doctor says "can you describe the symptoms" and he says "yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair"
Bragging Doctors
Doc 1 bragged, "I had a patient once who blew out his ACL & MCL. I reconstructed his knee, and 2 years later he completed the Boston marathon."
Doc 2 replied, "That's nothing! I had a patient who was in a head-on collision with a truck. I reconstructed virtually all of his joints and more, and later he won an Olympic gold medal in the decathlon."
Doc 3 chucked condescendingly. "Child's play. I had a patient who was in a horrible e**.... He was blown to bits. All they found was a huge, gaping a**.... I put a suit and tie on it, and now he's the owner and general manager of the Dallas Cowboys!"
BREAKING NEWS: A man was presented into the ER after shoving 6 plastic horses up his a**......
Doctors say that his condition is stable.
Young couple at doctors office
Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,
"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need to know if there is some medical problem."
Doctor sat back on his chair crossed his hands and sighed,
"You boys are nuts."
Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.
They're explaining how him smoking w**... led to his condition worsening.
But it's just herbal! the patient protested. How can it be bad?
Dr Jenkins sighed. Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just ten minutes, you will die. Just because it's natural doesn't mean it's safe for you!
The man seemed to accept that, and after he and the doctors parted ways, Dr Smith asked, What is that plant that kills you if you sit under it?
A water lily.
A wife waits outside the doctors office while her husband is in there with him. After a short time, he comes out, crying....
Wife - "Honey, what's wrong?"
Husband - "The doc told me I have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life!"
Wife - "Well, that's not so bad, I thought it was something much worse!"
Husband - "He only gave me three of them...."
I went to the doctors recently
He said, Don't eat anything fatty
I respond, What, like bacon and burgers?
He said, No fatty, don't eat anything.
A man is walking his pet carrot
As he's walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car. After rushing to the ER the man paces the waiting room as the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery. Doctor, is my carrot alive are they ok? The doctors sighs. I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive the man breathes a sigh of relief. What's the bad news doctor? The doctor looks him in the eyes and says Well I'm sorry but, your carrots gonna be a vegetable for the rest of its life.
I know it's dumb it was just of favorite of my grandfathers a long time ago and I thought I'd share it.
A Proctology exam.
A man is sitting over the counter with his pants down at the doctors office.
The doctor comes in and sits down and starts working the gloves onto his hands.
Alright Brian, it's your first proctology exam, just sit back, relax, and try not to get an e**... the doctor says.
The patient awkwardly looks back and says but my names Dan.
Doctor responds oh I know, my names Brian.
I told my best friend I was dying.
Him: "Oh my God! What have all the doctors said?"
Me: "Goodbye mostly"
As I regained consciousness from last nights car c**....
The Doctors were trying to convince me that
I'm actually a Swedish bloke who has forgotten his identity...
But I am having none of it. I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!
THE BATHTUB TEST: During a visit to my doctors I asked him . . .
"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well" he said, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub"
"Oh, I understand" I said "Because a normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger then the spoon or the teacup"
"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or the door?"
My doctor asked for a stool sample....
...and got mad at me when I handed him a tiny chair. Now I'm banned from the doctors office and still don't know why I'm p**... out furniture.