Doctor Visit Jokes
104 doctor visit jokes and hilarious doctor visit puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about doctor visit that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Doctor Visit Short Jokes
Short doctor visit jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The doctor visit humour may include short doctor office jokes also.
- A teenage girl went to visit the doctor for her cough complaint. The doctor examined her with his stethoscope. 'Big breaths' he said. 'Yeah, and I am only thixteen' she replied.
- Did you hear about the cannibal who visited the ICU ward? His doctor told him to eat more vegetables.
- Visited my doctor today He said I was a paranoid schizophrenic..
Well.. he didn't actually say it.. but WE KNEW he was thinking it. - While in Soviet Russia, I went to visit a doctor. "What happened to you?" He said.
"Migraine" i replied.
He bent forward, push upped his glasses and said, "Correction. Ourgrain." - At the doctor "Doctor, I have suicidal thoughts what should I do?"
"First you should pay your visit." - I visited the doctor today and he said my sugar was too high So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf
- My doctor told me he doesn't want to work anymore and we'll have to cancel my next visit. I got disappointed.
- Brad Pitt visits his doctor. "Hey Doc, you ever see me in that movie Seven with Morgurt Freeman?" "Uh do you mean Morgan?"
"Oh yeah, sorry Doc. Morgurt Morgan". - At a psychiatric ward: Doctor, what should we do with the new guy in room 6? He believes he's a wolf.
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Doctor: Whatever you do, don't let his grandmother visit! - A man visit's a Psychologist Man: Doctor, you've got to help me! I'm afraid of backstories.
Psychologist: When did this all start?
Man: Well- AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
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Doctor Visit One Liners
Which doctor visit one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with doctor visit? I can suggest the ones about doctor specialist and doctor and patient.
- My doctor cancelled my visit today. I was Disappointed.
- What state do doctors visit most? Prostate
- Q: What kind of doctor does a duck visit?
A: A Ducktor. - What type of doctor did Batman visit after Bane broke his back? A Chiroptopracter.
- A poacher visits his doctor who asks
- Why did the French man visit the doctor? Because his Eifel with tears.
- s**... with me is like a visit to the doctor's office. I'll be in shortly.
Hilarious Doctor Visit Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about doctor visit you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kids doctor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make doctor visit pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Visit to the Doctor
Me: Doctor, I can't stop Quoting the b**... Ladies.
Doctor: how long has this been going on?
Me: IT'S BEEN...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does Moses have in common with a h**... who visited her doctor?
Both took two tablets after discovering a burning bush.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Princess Diana Jokes
What's the difference between Princess Diana and a blade of grass? About six feet.
How is Princess Diana like a mobile phone? Both die in tunnels.
Where does Diana stay when she visits Paris? Any place she can c**....
How is Princess Diana like breaking a bone? Both need a doctor to remove the plaster of paris.
What's the difference between Princess Diana and thirty-nine pennies? It's easier to scrape together thirty-nine pennies.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
What's the difference between Princess Diana an Casper the ghost? Casper can go through walls, Diana can't.
What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana? A Mercedes will easily reach 40.
What would Di be doing if she were alive today? Scratching at the lid of her coffin.
Yes I am a horrible person wow.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Pakistani living in England (offensive)
A pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human f**... and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it everywhere with him. Astounded, the Pakistani left and did what he was told despite being surprised that he should do such a thing.
Three days later the Pakistani returned to the doctor "It's a miracle!" he exclaimed"I got better overnight! How could have it worked?" to which the doctor replied "It was simple, you were homesick."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man visits the doctor...
...who says to him "*Okay, Sir, I think you're going to have to stop m**..."*
*"But why, Doc?*" the man replies.
"*Because this is the waiting room*".
A question for your doctor
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blonde at the doctor's office
A gorgeous blonde pays a visit to a gynecologist. She undresses and lays down waiting for the doc. The doc enters the room and he's mesmerized by her beauty, totally loses his mind, and soon, starts having s**... with her.
She's quiet and not responsive, and the doc asks: You do realize what I'm doing, right?
She says: Of course, taking out my h**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young lady, pregnant for the first time, visits her doctor for a check-up
After the exam, she says to the doctor, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
The doctor cuts her off and says, "I know, I know - it's normal. You can have s**... until your third trimester."
The lady says, "No, that's not it. He wants to know how much longer can I can keep mowing the lawn."
An old man at the doctors office...
His daughter took him to a doctor for a check up. During the check up - the doctor asks the old man about his visits to the toilet at night, and he replies: "I wake up, walk to the bathroom and God turns on the light for me". Confused, the doctor finishes his procedure and tells the old mans daughter about the whole "God-light" thing. To which she replies: "Oh no! He's been using the fridge again!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man visits his doctor...
and asks him how to improve his s**... performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests m**... a couple of hours before a s**... encounter.
After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him.
The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?"
"Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies.
The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Narcolepsy
A man with narcolepsy visits his doctor and asks for help.
"Well I have a drug that can help keep you awake, or I've just heard of a new treatment which can fully cure you! However, it's still in the testing phase and could possibly kill you. You need to decide which treatment you'll have."
After a short time considering, the man is still unsure.
"Is it okay if i come back tomorrow? I'll have to sleep on it doc."
A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor....
A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor.
"How's the stutter?", asks the doctor.
"It's g-getting better. My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man.
"Any idea why?" The doctor asks.
"No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."
A man visits the doctor
and then he meets a friend.
Friend: Whatsup, where you been?
Man: Ive visited the doctor
Friend: What did he say?
Man: 200 Dollars
Friend: Yeah, but what do you have
Man: I have 50 dollars
Friend: I Mean whats the problem?
Man: 150 dollars
I m not sure if it makes any sense in English, but i tried
There was a business man that used to travel a lot
But every time he went to the airport, he got sick right away.
When he visited his doctor, the doc said "Its nothing serious. You're just terminally ill".
A husband and wife have been married two weeks...
when the wife complains of a burning sensation in her chest. The husband suggests that she visit the doctor. She arranges the appointment and goes the next day.
The doctor calls the husband the next day and says, "Sir, you're wife has acute angina." The husband replies, "You don't have to tell me twice, doc. Whats the bad news?"
A man visits the doctor to get treatment for his asthma.
The doctor recommends that having better ventilation within the man's house could potentially cure his condition, and tells him to sleep with his windows open.
A few days later, he visits the doctor again.
"Ah, I see you're back. How's your asthma? Is it gone?"
The man shakes his head and replies:
"No, but my TV, cellphone, and my laptop are."
A mentally ill man visits his doctor
This is a joke I've only heard in Russian, so I did my best to translate it:
A mentally ill man visits his doctor.
While frantically brushing off his arms and torso he says to the physician "You have to help me doc! I'm covered in tiny alligators and crocodiles."
to which the doctor replies "Well then stop throwing them on me!"
A woman is visiting her doctor.
The doctor is monitoring her heartbeat with a stethoscope.
Woman: (*jokingly*) Tell me doctor, how much time do I have left?
Doctor: Ten
Woman: Ten what?
Doctor: Nine...
A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up
A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.
The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY
Doctor: Can you read this ?
Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.
A Blonde Visits a Doctor
One day, a blonde goes to a doctor. She told the doctor, "Doctor, my son has dandruff, what do I do?" The doctor replied, "Give him Head and Shoulders." So the next day, the blonde comes back and asks, "Doctor, how do I give him shoulders?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I visited my doctor last week, and he told me I had to stop m**.... I asked him why, because surely it's not dangerous.
He said it was distracting him.
I visited a Blonde Doctor recently she diagnosed me with Insomnia.
Don't worry she said it wasn't anything to lose sleep over.
A man visits his doctor...
and says "Doc, you gotta help me. I have a terrible case of flatulence. Fortunately it's completely silent and there's no smell, but I haven't stopped passing gas for two days ! Can you help me ? "
Doc says "Yes, but first we need to check your hearing and your sinuses."
[ok, I'm walking off, no need to throw stuff.]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Annual Checkup
Kenneth is visiting his doctor for his annual physical.
DOC: I strongly recommend you quit m**....
KEN: Why?
DOC: I'm trying to perform a prostate exam.
"Silent farts that don't stink..."
An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."
The doctor is visiting a patient
The patient asks : why do you have a suppository above your ear ?,
The doctor answers : dame it, where did my pen go ?
A man visits the doctor...
And tells him some symptoms he's been experiencing.
Doctor: "Based on your description, you are suffering from hypochondria."
Patient: "I knew it!"
A doctor was visiting a patient
She asked him 'doctor am I going to die?'
Out of pity the doctor told her the truth, 'we are all dying slowly, some just faster than others.'
The patient said, 'how fast am I dying.'
The doctor leaned over and said 'you are the usain bolt of dying.'
A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.
"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
When I was visiting the islands in Alaska, I thought I saw an eye doctor wandering around...
It was just an optical Aleutian.
A woman visits her doctor since she has some abdominal pains ...
She thinks she might be pregnant. After the examination, the doctor comes out to see her.
Doctor: *"Well, I hope you like changing diapers."*
Patient: *"Oh my god, are you serious? Am I pregnant?"*
Doctor: *"No, you've got colon cancer."*
Payback
My son is sick and we took him to the doctor. MY dad texted and asked how the visit went.
Dad: What did the doctor say?
Me: They are going to amputate his left arm...so he will be all right!
On the topic of good and bad news from the doctor...
Doctor: I've got good news and bad news for you!
Patient: So whats the good news?
Doctor: You won't have to pay anything for this visit!
Patient, confused: And the bad news?
Doctor: Well, we issue our bills quarterly, you'll be long dead by then.
A patient collapses minutes after visiting the doctor
Nurse: 'Doctor, Doctor! The man you've just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?'
Doctor: 'Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!'
A woman visits the gynaecologist for the first time...
Her legs are up in the stirrups and she looks very uncomfortable. The doctor says, "You look nervous. Would you like me to numb you down there before the exam?"
She looks relieved and says "Yes, please."
So, the doctor puts his head between her legs and goes num, num, num.
An old man visited a doctor because of his hearing problems
The doctor examined his ears thoroughly but could not find anything out of the ordinary.
"I simply cannot find an issue," said the doctor. "It could just be caused by alcohol."
"I see," the old man replied. "I guess I'll come back when the doctor is sober."
Tom Jones visits the doctor…
Doctor: Mr Jones, you have the common cold!
Tom Jones: what do you mean by common?
Doctor: It's not unusual!
A mother finds out she has cancer
A mother and daughter visit the doctor to get the results of the mom's pap-smear.
"It's stage-4 cervical cancer. You have 1 month left", the doctor says.
The mother is devastated. She gathers all her girlfriends for one last brunch.
At the brunch she announces, "Bad news, the doctor said I have 1 month to live. I have AIDS."
Her friends are shocked. They offer their condolences and hurriedly depart.
"But mom", the daughter protests "You have cancer. Why did you tell them you have AIDS?"
Mom replies, "Because I don't want any of them sleeping with your father."
I quit going to the doctor because he kept insisting on drawing blood every visit..
Screw that Dr. Acula
A cop gets shot while on duty
He goes into surgery, and falls into a coma.
His grieving wife is billed a few weeks later. She is confused to find part of her bill includes "a service from an ophthalmologist." She then decides to visit the hospital to see why they needed one.
Wife: Why did you need an ophthalmologist for my husband? Are you scamming me?!
Doctor: Ma'am, we suspected your husband was suffering from glockcoma.
A Second Opinion
Lenny tells the psychiatrist, Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.
Come to me three times a week for two years, and I'll cure your fears, says the shrink. And I'll charge you only $200 a visit.
Lenny says he'll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. For $200 a visit? says Lenny. A bartender cured me for $10.
Is that so! How?
He told me to cut the legs off the bed.
A brown paper bag visits the doctor.
A brown paper bag visits the doctor, who gives them some terrible news.
"I'm so sorry to tell you this, but you have a genetic disease."
The brown paper bag, understandably, is horrified, "But how can that be? I'm a brown paper bag!"
The doctor replies, "Yes, but one of your parents must have been a carrier."
The first Jewish President of the United States is elected.
The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.
"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days."
"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."
"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"
"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."
"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."
"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"
"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"
She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.
"Who was that?"
"My son."
*gasp* "The doctor??"
"No, the other one."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had to visit a doctor today...
I hit my head really hard and gave myself a n**... bump. The doctor was a real quack though, all he told me was to duck next time. Plus I left with a huge bill!
The doctor gave me a Rorschach test and asked, "what do you see?"
I answered, "I see an old, sad, overworked man, tired of doing the same thing over and over, only visited when others need something from him, and never being appreciated enough".
"I appreciate your honesty", said the doctor, "but I meant, what do you see *on the picture*?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I visited a doctor about my low l**..., and he said don't worry I will help you
According to my neighbor, the doctor came to my place and mowed my lawn when I was at work, What a nice guy.
A Chinese man visits the doctor
His hands are covered in severe burns from a cooking accident.
The man says, "I know it's bad, doctor, but how bad is it?"
The doctor replies, "I'm afraid you'll never wok again."
There was a man who swore he was getting smaller.
Everyday, his height decreases by an inch. Alarmed, he visits the doctor immediately, and asks the secretary to squeeze him in.
"Surely, sir. The doctor will be here any minute. You just have to sit down and be a little patient."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dr visits an Indian Tribe
A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your s**... tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have s**... with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
I was very nervous before my first visit to the proctologist...
Thankfully there was nothing to worry about coz the doctor had a good reputation for rectitude.
Visiting the Doctor
Went in to see the Doctor the other day, just a regular check up. He asked if i could remove my clothes and i said "sure Doctor where would you like me to put them" and he turned to me and said "You can put them just over there next to mine."
Walt Disney notices a sharp pain in his knee.
He starts rubbing it, icing it, elevating it on a pillow. But over the following days it only grows worse. He visits his doctor and reports this pain.
Which knee is hurting you, Walt?
The famous film producer points to his left knee.
Disney.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A r**... suffered a n**... fall...
So he visited a physician and sought treatment.
Apply this ointment to the area where injury was sustained, the doctor said.
The r**... happily left the clinic and proceeded to liberally apply ointment on the sidewalk where he fell.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman visited her doctor for her annual exam. The doctor asked, Are you and your husband s**... active? Yes, we have verbal s**... everyday. the woman answered. Verbal s**...? I think you mean o**... s**...! the doctor laughed. No, I mean verbal s**.... the woman persisted.
Every morning my husband and I pass each other in the hall and say, 'Fuck you!'"
A man visits a hotel in Spain and injures himself in the room.
So he calls the front desk and asks them to find him a doctor.
"you're in luck, sir! We have a doctor that lives in this very hotel."
They send the doctor up. After tending to the man's injuries the man remarks:
"Wow! I never would have thought this hotel would have its own doctor."
"Well you see," says the doctor "no one expects the Spanish in-physician"
A politicians promise
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.
On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor's visit
I was at the doctor's today and he told me that I suffer from h**.... I asked him if there are any other diseases I should worry about and he told me: Yes, two more.
A man visits a doctor one day.
Man- Doctor,it hurts when i put one leg up, then put it down, then put the other leg up and then put that leg down.
Doctor-Have you tried not doing that?
Man- So i shouldnt try wearing an underwear then?
We went to visit my brother in hospital because he had crashed his motorbike into a tree and impaled himself onto a tree branch i asked the doctor "How is he?"...
The doctor said "He's not out of the woods yet"....
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your s**... tension?
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."
The doctor not knowing what to do stands cluelessly until a tribesman explains to him: " Use the donkey".
The doctor: " what?"
"Yes use it, mount it"
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have s**... with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A big city doctor visits an indigenous tribe of only men,
He asks "How do you guys relieve your s**... tension?"
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.
The leader of the tribe says "Since you're our guest you get to go first.".
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have s**... with the donkey.
15 min pass, then one of the tribeman in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?"
"We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You are obese!
A woman visits the doctor
Doctor: Madame, you are obese.
Woman: What?? I demand a second opinion!
Doctor: Your hair looks s**....
The Mandalorian visited the Dr
The Mandalorian visited the Dr and they got into an argument because Mando wouldn't take his armor off when he got on the scale. He pointed to the scale and said, "this is the weight." The know it all doctor pointed to the armor and said, "no this is the weight." The nurse was called to show Mando the way to the room so he could cool off. Mando asked how long it would take, she said they were behind today and if could be a while, and before he got angry again she looked him dead in the mask, and pointedly said, "this is the wait! I have spoken."
Young couple at doctors office
Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,
"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need to know if there is some medical problem."
Doctor sat back on his chair crossed his hands and sighed,
"You boys are nuts."
Was all excited last night when my wife told me that she wanted us to role play as doctor and patient.
But then she told me that visiting hours are over and asked me to get out of the bedroom immediately.
She indeed is a genius...
My Asian eye doctor
Since I am half-Chinese and half-Filipino, and in recognition of AAPI month, I shall relate what happened visiting the eye doctor. I had been having trouble seeing while driving, so I went to my eye doctor, who happens to be Asian like me. He did the usual things, the eye charts, peering into my eyes, glaucoma test, etc. Finally, he sat back and said, "I know why you have trouble seeing while driving. You have a cataract."
"Bad guess, doc," I replied. "I have a Mercedes."
Doctor visit
A man went to see his doctor for a physical. As the lab results came in the doctor said, "I have your lab results. Don't mind me asking sir, but what's your zodiac sign?" The patient said his zodiac sign is cancer. The doctor said, "well what a coincidence"...
After some pressure from his family a man who is hard of hearing visits his doctor.
After a lengthy examination, the doctor identifies the problem and prescribes the solution. He takes it and the doctor tells him to come back in a week to check that everything is A-OK.
A week later he revisits. The doc announces, "You're hearing is perfect. Your family must be delighted."
He replies. "Oh, I haven't told them yet, I just sit around the house listening to them. So far I've changed my will three times."
