The Best 92 Doctor Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Doctor jokes. There are some doctor obstetrician jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these doctor symptoms puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Doctor Jokes and Puns
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."
Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I replied, "Yes just once."
The doctor asked, "What was it like?"
I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.
I'm not having much luck with jobs lately.
I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn't suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn't cut it as barber; didn't have the patience to be a doctor; didn't fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn't see any future as a historian.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"
The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.
The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.
I dropped my knife and cut off a toe
After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.
You can explore doctor examination reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean doctor nurse dad jokes. There are also doctor puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Doctor: I have the results of your test. You're gonna have to stop masturbating.
Me: Oh no! Why doctor?"
Doctor: Because I'm trying to talk to you, and it's very distracting.
My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!!
Upvote for visibility.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for "dailysex"...
But the wife had to break it to me that it was actually for "dyslexia".
What kind of doctor is always on call?
An oncologist!
...
I made this one up last night but I'm sure someone has thought of it before.
A pirate goes to a doctor...
A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."
The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"
(sorry if repost, haven't seen it on this sub)
A guy wakes up from a coma.
His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?
"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...
The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"
Does it hurt anymore?
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"
If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Sci Fi is Doctor Who. But if I'm being completely objective...
I'd say it's Doctor Whom.
^*
I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty."
I asked " no bacon? No burgers?!"
To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."
"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats
I'm gonna miss tumblr
9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda
that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan
"Silent farts that don't stink..."
An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."
A woman wakes up from a coma and...
A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the my daughter?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Oh that's not that bad. What did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew
A woman says to her doctor, "Kiss me!"
He says "No, I can't."
She asks again "Doctor, please kiss me!"
Again he says "No, that would be unprofessional."
Now she's practically begging "Kiss me!"
He yells "No! I shouldn't even be having sex with you right now."
A woman is in the hospital in a coma...
and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.
I asked him why and he replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
I went to the doctors with hearing problems...
He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"
Doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex
But the wife insists it says its for Dyslexia
You'll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!
Everybody.
My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.
A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.
"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
Doctor doctor, I think I have a problem with my testicles
Is one of them meant to be bigger than the others.
Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news
Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.
My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay
But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."
There was a kid that was born with no eyelids.
The doctor was able to use the skin from the circumcision to make him new eyelids.
It went really well other than the fact the kid is a little cock-eyed
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?", she replied.
"No, the regular kind."
My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often
Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.
The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.
I can't tell you how upset I am.
Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer
Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.
A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."
The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
My wife recently gave birth to our first child. After birth I asked the doctor when could we have sex.
He said that his shift ends in 30 minutes.
Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty.
Me: Can I eat sugar instead?
Doctor: No fatty, don't eat anything.
So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.
The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."
How about an Indian joke?
A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"
She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"
Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."
The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."
My doctor said I need to stop masturbating. When I asked why, he said ..
Cause I'm trying to give you a physical
Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?
Man: Can't say I do.
Doctor: Yes. That's the main one.
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.
One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."
Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.
Doctor: Sir, i'm afraid your DNA is backwards
Me: And ?
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"
Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"
After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.
Who was that?
I had my leg x-rayed today.
The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"
By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"
The doctor replied "æ«èšć·2.54æ«èšć·"
Doctor [looking at my x-rays] : this is exactly what I was afraid of.
Me: What?
Doctor: Skeletons
After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids
We think the doctor would do a way better job than us
I had sex for 3 hours last night...
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"
The man replies, " like a glove."
Sir, you've got a very rare disease
Me: "How rare?"
Doctor: "You pick the name"
A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
A man takes his wife to get tested
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?
The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.
A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"
The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"
A man goes to see a sex therapist
"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"
"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.
The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.
"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."
I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight
Sigh...
Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !
Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.
Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?
Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.
Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.
Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.
Doctor: Exactly.
A politicians promise
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.
On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!"
The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!"
The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me."
She then collapses and dies from polio.
I asked my doctor when we could anticipate an end to the coronavirus epidemic
He said I don't know. I'm not really into politics.
A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.
2 days later he gets a call from the lab.
Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.
Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!
Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future.
The doctor asks him - How long have you suffered from that condition?
The guy tells him - Since next Monday.
President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....
A full recovery
A doctor flirted with me today, she said I was really sweet!
I think she meant I was really sweet, she worded it differently and said you're severely diabetic but I know what she meant. She said I'm type 2 and I told her she's my type too
I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.
I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.
Stung...
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.
"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."
"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."
"Okay," says the woman. "It was at Walmart."
My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.
**The doctor asked him a series of questions: Do you know where you are? I'm at Rex Hospital. What city are you in? Raleigh. Do you know who I am? Dr. Hamilton. My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, I hope he doesn't ask me any more questions. Why? she asked. Because all of those answers were on his badge. **
Doctor: Sir, I have some bad news, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards
Me: and?
Doctor: sorry sir but your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
A teacher asked Jamaal what his father did...
Jamaal: My father is a doctor.
Teacher: Susie what about your father?
Susie: He is a lawyer.
Teacher: William?
William: My father...he's passed.
Teacher: I'm sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?
William: He clutched his chest and collapsed.
Adapted from a George Burns joke he credited to Walter Matthau.
Doctor: I'm afraid you have cancer and alzheimers.
Patient: Hey, at least I don't have cancer!
The nurse tells the doctor that there's an invisible man in the waiting room
The doctor replies:
-Tell him I can't see him right now
A man goes to his veterinarian and complains, "I think my goldfish is having seizures."
"He seems fine now," the doctor replies. "Yeah," the man says, "but just wait until I take him out of the bowl."
A wealthy woman had lost her right hand and left foot in a car accident.
Her doctor told her that he would have her new prosthetics ready the next day. She sent her servant to go pick them up from the hospital. The servant was a couple hours early. The servant waited on her hand and foot.
"I've been having really painful bowel movements," I told my doctor.
"How long?" he asked.
"I can't be sure," I replied. "It's not like I measure them."
A patient runs into a doctor's surgery yelling out: I'm shrinking! I'm shrinking! What should I do?
The doctor replies: you are just going to have to be a little patient.
What did the doctor say to the constipated detective?
No shit sherlock?
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the doctor blonde and the doctor jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working doctor doctor and child piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.