Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
I can't speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age he says to the doc.
There's a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing explains the doctor. Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn't hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does .
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing .
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
What's for dinner honey?
No answer. He moves closer.
What's for dinner honey?
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
What's for dinner honey?
Still his wife doesn't answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
What's for dinner honey?
FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."
Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
I replied, "Yes just once."
The doctor asked, "What was it like?"
I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.
"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"
Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..
Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.
The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.
Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with my wife!"
The doctor remains calm: "The answer lies in the genetics. Some genetics have recessive traits, which are not apparent to the parents but may be passed on to the child. For example, last week one of your sheep gave birth to a black sheep."
The chieftain pauses for a thinking, then replies: "I tell you what. You say no word about black sheep and I say no word about white child."
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
Wow, that's amazing! the doctor says.
Did you follow my instructions?
The blonde nodsβ¦
I'll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
From hunger, you mean? said the doctor.
No, from skipping, replied the blonde.
I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn't suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn't cut it as barber; didn't have the patience to be a doctor; didn't fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn't see any future as a historian.
My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know
Larry replies, God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.
Wow, that's incredible, the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry's wife.
Bonnie, he says, Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes off?
Oh sweet Jesus , exclaims Bonnie. He's peeing in the refrigerator again!
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"
Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.
Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try out for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
I replied, "Yes just once."
The doctor asked, "What was it like?"
I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.
After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.
Me: And ?
My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I've been here, and you didn't realize it.
The doctor says, Interesting. Why don't you take these pills and come see me in a week?
The old lady returns in a week and says, I don't know what the hell you gave me. My farts are still silent, but my God, they stink!!
The doctor says, Excellent. Now that your sinuses are cleared, let's work on your hearing.
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.
One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."
Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.
So I shot him. Judge gave me 20 years. Problem Solved.
We think the doctor would do a way better job than us
A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
Impossible! says the doctor. Show me .
The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, You're not really a brunette, are you?
Well, no she said, I'm actually a blonde.
I thought so, the doctor said. Your finger is broken .
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"
The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."
She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?"
"I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them."
"What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?"
"He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor.
"Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?"
To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
I can't tell you how upset I am.
A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"
She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"
Doctor: sir, we've narrowed your wife's illness down to two things. She either has Alzheimer's or AIDS.
Man: Well how are we supposed to know which?
Doctor: Take her for a drive, drop her off 30 minutes from your house and if she comes home don't fuck her.
Man: Can't say I do.
Doctor: Yes. That's the main one.
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
"Which doctor?", she replied.
"No, the regular kind."
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he
calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".
"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."
that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan
The doctor tells them theres been a mix up and doesn't know who's baby is who's. The English man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks relly confused and says "I'm pretty sure that's not your baby it looks Indian so it's mine". The English man says "I know, but there's not a chance in hell I'm leaving here with a baby that could be Welsh."
Me: Can I eat sugar instead?
Doctor: No fatty, don't eat anything.
"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"
Will I Live to see 80?
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think
I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then He asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive motor-cycles, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
Cause I'm trying to give you a physical
Who was that?
Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.
"Peter, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.
After tests the doctor suggests that Paddy's wife might be over heating during sex. Paddy doesn't own a fan so he asks his mate around to waft a towel over them during sex. After 20 minutes of wafting and still no orgasm, his friend suggests a swap. I'll fuck her and you waft the towel. Paddy agrees and within minutes his wife is screaming having the best orgasm ever. Paddy turns to his friendly slowly and says "And that my friend is how you waft a fucking towel!"
The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."
The supervisor and doctor come across a patient in a room that is feverishly masturbating.
"What is going on here!?" the supervisor demanded.
"This man has a very rare disease," the doctor explained. "If he does not ejaculate every hour, his testicles will fill with semen and burst."
The supervisor accepted the explanation and they continued the tour coming to a room where a nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"What is going on here!?" the supervisor demanded and the doctor says,
"Same disease, better health plan."
and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
I asked " no bacon? No burgers?!"
To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "
An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. That's a group of blind firefighters, they are told. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.
The priest says, I will say a prayer for them tonight.
The doctor says, Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.
And the engineer says, Why can't they play at night?"
He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"
Doctor: Give your husband viagra.
Lady: I can't, he hates pills.
Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.
Next week she returns, unhappy.
Doctor: Was it good?
Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and fucked me on it right then and there.
Doctor: Well, then what's wrong?
Lady: I'll never be able to show my face at Starbucks again.
----
I'm gonna miss tumblr
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.
He said that his shift ends in 30 minutes.
The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"
By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"
The doctor replied "ζ«θ¨ε·2.54ζ«θ¨ε·"
Upvote for visibility.
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare
were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
I asked him why and he replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.
"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.
He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.
The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstinent and the potency of this drug, sex could prove to be fatal."
The old man says "Doc, if she dies, she dies."
A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"
She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"
His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".
But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."
"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
But the wife had to break it to me that it was actually for "dyslexia".
Is one of them meant to be bigger than the others.
The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"
A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"
Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?
Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.
W: Lately I have developed this problem of wetting my bed while sleeping.
Dr: Go behind the curtains, take off your clothes and do a headstand in front of the mirror.
The woman obliges. The doctor comes in, parts her legs and keeps his chin on top of her vagina.
W: So Doc, what's the problem with me?
Dr: You should stop drinking before going to bed, that's all.
W: Then why the hell did you make me do that?
Dr: Oh, I just wanted to see how'd I look with a beard.
A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."
The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"
(sorry if repost, haven't seen it on this sub)
I'd say it's Doctor Whom.
^*
A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"
The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the great clown Pagliacci. He's hysterically funny and will make you laugh til you cry. You will experience a joy unprecedented."
The man bursts into tears. The doctor, confused asks why. "Doc, I *am* Pagliacci."
Robin Williams was legendary. He was also human. He had his demons and battled them all his life. I don't like that he's gone, but I understand what he's dealt with. RIP.
The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.
30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flatlines and is obviously dead. The Dr rushes in and asks the husband what happened, he looks at the doctor and says I don't know, maybe she choked.
A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."
The doctor says,
"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".
The next week the lady returns.
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".
"Good," the doctor said "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing"
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Everybody.
Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.
And they start bragging about their sons.
The first says "My son is a lawyer, and he is doing so well, he just gave his friend a new car!"
The second says "My son is a doctor, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new boat!"
The third guy says "My son is an executive, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new house!"
The fourth guy says "Well, my son is a stripper at a gay club, but he must be doing pretty well because he just got a new car, a new boat, and a new house..."
An oncologist!
...
I made this one up last night but I'm sure someone has thought of it before.
A boy who loses his eye from an accident goes to the doctor gets a wooden replacement. Of course, he is extremely self-conscious about his new wooden eye and doesn't make an effort to ask out any of the girls in school.
One day a new girl walks in and he notices she has a harelip. He figures they can relate to each other and perhaps become friends. They get to know each other and the boy gets to the point where he musters the courage to ask the girl on a date.
The girl is so excited and happy she can hardly believe it. "Would I? WOULD I?", she exclaims. The boy, crushed by this, screams back, "HARELIP! HARELIP!!!"
The doctor was able to use the skin from the circumcision to make him new eyelids.
It went really well other than the fact the kid is a little cock-eyed
He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"
Me: Oh no! Why doctor?"
Doctor: Because I'm trying to talk to you, and it's very distracting.
But the wife insists it says its for Dyslexia
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
"Does he hit you?" she asked.
"No Ma."
"Is he cheating on you?"
"No Ma."
"Did he lose his money?"
"No Ma."
"You live in a beautiful house, you have luxury cars, your clothes are of the finest quality, you have a staff to take care of the domestic chores. What does he do so wrong?"
"It's the anal sex ma. He likes the anal sex."
"And what's so bad about that?"
"It's terrible ma. Always with the anal sex. When we got married, my butthole was the size of a dime. Now it's the size of a quarter. It's just terrible."
"It seems like you are giving up an awful lot just for 15 cents."
Me: What?
Doctor: Skeletons
He says "No, I can't."
She asks again "Doctor, please kiss me!"
Again he says "No, that would be unprofessional."
Now she's practically begging "Kiss me!"
He yells "No! I shouldn't even be having sex with you right now."
A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the my daughter?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Oh that's not that bad. What did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the women comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
**
"Over there next to mine" was not the answer I expected.
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...
As they were busy looking around,
doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...
As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :
"Man! I'm the best thief ever,
I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"
Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"
So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy:
"Do you wanna see magic..?"
The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"
Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...
He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..
He asked for the third, and finished that one too...
The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"
Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"
He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."
The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"
"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"
"Then get some air-con"
"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"
"Well, Dave, do you have a good mate?"
"Yeah, I've got a mate Mick"
"Well, ask your mate Mick to stand over you and the mrs with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."
So, Dave asks Mick for this favour, who then agrees to help him. That night, Dave is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Mick fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her.
Dave says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Dave takes the towel and starts wafting Mick, who is now shagging Dave's mrs. Not long after, Dave's wife goes "Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!"
Dave shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Mick?! *That's* how you waft a fucking towel!"
Patient: Atleast Idont have Cancer
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man's penis is bright orange.
The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.
The man says "My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I dont come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make my self dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed."
The doctor asks "Do you do anything before bed?"
The man says "Nothing unusual, I just eat cheetos and surf the web"
Because the son has been doing very poorly in his classes.
The mother says to the doctor "I think my son has become stupid."
The doctor says in reply "Well how do you suppose that would happen?"
"Well I don't know for sure but he hasn't passed a single test since he was vaccinated last year."
"Ah-ha! That's it!"
"So it was the vaccines then?"
"No, it's genetic."
"I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
Β A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ....I'm a gynecologist."
A old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing. He calls the doctor about it and the doctor says he can do a little experiment to determine the severity, "Ask her a question from the next room in a normal tone of voice, and keep asking while coming closer until she can hear you. That way you know the range of her hearing."
That night, he's sitting on his easy chair in the living room while his wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner. He estimates he's about 30 feet away. In a normal tone of voice, he says, "What's for dinner?"
She doesn't respond, so he gets up and walks to the kitchen doorway, about 20 feet away, and asks, "What's for dinner?"
She still doesn't respond so he walks 10 feet closer and asks, "What's for dinner?"
She still doesn't say anything, so he gets right up beside her and asks, "What's for dinner?"
She says, "For the fourth damn time we're having chicken!"
After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came.
At that point, she whispered the 5 words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that?"
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
Many men have died after having a stroke
She goes to the doctor's office and during the examination she says,
"Doctor, I've got a problem that i am deeply concerned about. I keep farting all the time, they don't smell or make a sound but I am constantly farting all the time, in fact I've farted 15 times since you've stepped in the room to exam me, I'm very worried that there is something wrong with me."
the doctor writes her a prescription and says,
"take 2 of these a day and see me in a week"
The woman comes back in a week and says,
"these pills aren't helping, in fact I'm even worse, I'm still farting all the time, they still don't make any noise, but now they smell horrible"
the doctor says "good, we've cleared up your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing"
When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."
Woman: "Something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from
Costa Rica in my Vagina." The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said, "Those Aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas."
What are the symptoms? The doctor asks
They're that yellow family that live in Springfield
The doctor says "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"
Guy: Doctor, My wife is pregnant but we always used double protection. Then, how is it possible?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story to make you realize how it is possible.
"There was a Hunter who always carried a Gun wherever he went. One day, he took his umbrella instead of his gun and went out.
A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the hunter used the Umbrella like a gun and shot the Lion, the Lion collapsed & died.
Guy:That is totally nonsense. Someone else must have shot the Lion!
Doctor: Good! Next patient please...
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor.
"How's the stutter?", asks the doctor.
"It's g-getting better. My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man.
"Any idea why?" The doctor asks.
"No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."
An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his cattle farm.
He and the doctor start into conversation, which leads into politics.
The old farmer explained, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked what a 'post turtle' was. The old farmer explained as best he could, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle on top, that's a 'post turtle.'
The doctor remained puzzled. The farmer continued further.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him there to begin with."
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before, Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can." I said, "I think my penis tastes funny..."
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
I should have told you yesterday.
After running tests the doctor says to the guy, "I'm sorry but I have two bits of bad news."
"The first is that you have cancer."
Guy goes "Well shit. What's the other bad news?"
Doctor says, "You have Alzheimer's."
Guy says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"
I said, Like bacon and burgers?
He said, No fatty, don't eat anything!
She said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
Impossible! says the doctor. Show me.
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor took off his glasses and said, You're not really a redhead, are you?
Well, no she said, I'm actually a blonde. I just dyed my hair last week.
I thought so, the doctor said. Your finger is broken.
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.
'Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
'Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and napkins flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But as sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."
Oh, no, the new mother thinks.Β He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
Not bad, she thinks.Β I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"
"DeNephew."
It came completely out of the orange.
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"
"Danephew."
It's great, now we fuck every night, all sorts of positions, some she'd never tried before. Introduced toys and bondage, spanking and 3 waysβ¦.. and she hasn't woken up once.
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
"Bartender, may I have a Less?"
To which the bartender says:
"I'm sorry sir, what did you want?"
"I would like to have a Less please."
The bartender then apologizes:
"I don't know this drink, sir, could you describe it to me?"
The man answers:
"Well... I don't really know, but my doctor told me to drink less."
A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl.
When she finally wakes up several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children.
The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is "How are my children?"
"Fine" says the doctor, "your brother named them".
She thinks to herself, "Oh no!" "My brother's an idiot" and she asks the doctor "What did he name them?"
The doctor says "He named the girl Denise"
And she thinks, Well, maybe I misjudged my brother... Denise isn't such a bad name"
What did he name the boy?"
Replies the doctor "De nephew."
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."
All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.
"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."
So that the woman could give birth to her child. Upon their arrival the doctor told them that they invented a new machine where they could transfer some of the labor pain to the father. He asked them if they would like to try it and they agreed. So the doctor set the pain to be transferred to 10% and told the man that this would be the most painful thing he ever experienced. But when labor set in the man still felt absolutely fine and the doctor set the machine to 20%. The man still felt fine so the doctor set it to 50% whilst checking the vitals man. Still no problem for the man. So he asked the doctor if he could set it to 100% because he could see how comfortable his wife was getting. After 2 hours of labor the woman gave birth to a healthy baby. Both were pretty astonished, thanked the doctor left. When they came home the milkman was lying dead on the porch.
She continues "Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Doctor? Well, here are the best jokes about Doctor to have fun with.