Doctor Jokes

Funniest Doctor Short Jokes

Short doctor jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The doctor humour may include short medicine jokes also.

1. A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh." The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."
   pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
2. Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
3. Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.
4. The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.
5. Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus. Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.
6. After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids We think the doctor would do a way better job than us
7. I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight Sigh...
8. A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
9. I asked my doctor when we could anticipate an end to the coronavirus epidemic He said I don't know. I'm not really into politics.
10. The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again. I can't tell you how upset I am.

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Doctor One Liners

Which doctor one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with doctor? I can suggest the ones about medical and wizard.

1. Doctor: Sir, i'm afraid your DNA is backwards Me: And ?
2. Doctor: sorry sir but your body has run out of magnesium Me: 0mg
3. Doctor: Sir, I have some bad news, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards Me: and?
4. What type of doctor treats transgender men? A guynowcologist.
5. My doctor told me that I had a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
6. My Roman doctor said I needed an IV. I asked: For what?
7. For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats I'm gonna miss tumblr
8. Sir, you've got a very rare disease Me: "How rare?"
   Doctor: "You pick the name"
9. You'll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody.
10. The doctor said I had Gloria Gaynor Syndrome At first I was afraid...
11. Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's Patient: Atleast Idont have cancer
12. This morning, the doctor told me I was colorblind. It came completely out of the orange.
13. Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means one person enjoys it
14. I don't know what HD is, But my doctor just told me I got 80 of them
15. My doctor advised me to stay away from trans fats. I guess I should really get off Tumblr

Doctor And Patient Jokes

Here is a list of funny doctor and patient jokes and even better doctor and patient puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"
• Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news Patient: What's the good news?
  Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.
• My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."
• Doctor: I think the patient is dying. What's his blood type? Nurse: B positive.
  Doctor: Okay. I think the patient is going to make it.
• A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?" I should have told you yesterday.
• A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!" The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."
• Sex every day Says the patient to her female doctor:
  "Doctor, my husband wants to have sex every day, what is the best thing to give him?"
  
  Doctor: "My number..."
• As a doctor I often get asked why I use that rubber hammer to tap patient's knees. I dunno. I just get a kick out of it.
• A patient runs into a doctor's surgery yelling out: I'm shrinking! I'm shrinking! What should I do? The doctor replies: you are just going to have to be a little patient.
• Doctor: describe your average night Patient: they wear suits of armor
  Doctor: no, i mean at bed time
  Patient: they probably take it off

A Doctor And A Patient Jokes

Here is a list of funny a doctor and a patient jokes and even better a doctor and a patient puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• Why are doctors always calm? They have a lot of patients.
  Sorry.
• Patient: "Gimme the bad news first!" Doctor: "You have AIDS."
  Patient: "What's the good news?"
  Doctor: "You have alzheimer's."
  Patient: "Well that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS."
• Doctor: I'm afraid you're suffering from Auto Correct Syndrome Patient: I didn't even know I was I'll
• Good news The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
  The patient said, "Give me the good news."
  "They're going to name a disease after you."
• So doctor, do I have rabies? Doc: Short answer. Yes.
  Patient: What's the long answer?
  Doc: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss.
• I think I'm shrinking! A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
  The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
• How should a doctor treat a patient with Mesothelioma? Asbestos he can.
• A doctor walked in to see a patient. I've got good news and bad news. The patient say, What's the good news?
  Doctor, They're going to name a disease after you.
• What did the doctor say to the angry midget? "I'm going to ask you to be a little patient."
• My patients are complaining that I'm a terrible doctor I just don't know what's wrong with some people

Went To The Doctor Jokes

Here is a list of funny went to the doctor jokes and even better went to the doctor puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty." I asked " no bacon? No burgers?!"
  To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "
• I went to the doctors with hearing problems... He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
  So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"
• I went to the doctor because I'm being constantly followed by nearly 20 crows. She says I have Corvid 19.
• Went to the doctor's today, he told me I was going deaf That news was hard for me to hear
• I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him. Judge gave me 30 years.
  So I mean who's the real winner here?
• I went to the doctor's recently. He told me, Don't eat anything fatty. Me: You mean like bacon and burgers?
  Doctor: No fatty. Don't eat anything.
• My whole life before age 12 was a blur. That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.
• Went to see my doctor about a blocked ear He asked me to describe the symptoms.
  I said homer is a fat bloke and marge has blue hair
• I went to see my doctor, and he told me I was overweight. I said, "I want a second opinion."
  He said, "Alright. You're ugly."
• I went to the doctors recently He said, Don't eat anything fatty
  I respond, What, like bacon and burgers?
  He said, No fatty, don't eat anything.

Bad Doctor Jokes

Here is a list of funny bad doctor jokes and even better bad doctor puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head." "The bad news is it's brain cancer."
• A man says to the doctor: 'What's the good news?' 'You've got 24 hours to live. He says: 'What's the bad news? The doctor says: 'We should have told you yesterday.'
• A Saudi woman in a doctor's clinic. Doctor: Mrs Saud there's a good news for you.
  Woman: Excuse me, it's Miss Saud not Mrs Saud.
  Doctor: Miss Saud there's a bad news for you.
• A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live... Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please"
  Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life"
• What do good doctors and bad doctors have in common? Their patients don't come back.
• I went to the doctor today for a prostate exam. It wasn't as bad as I was expecting, until I realized both his hands were on my shoulders.
• An old man went to the doctor The doctor says "I'm afraid I have bad news. You have cancer... And you have alzheimer's."
  The old man says "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"
• Doctor: I've got some bad news. You have an incurable disease, you don't have long to live. Man: How long do I have, doc?
  Doctor: 10
  Man: 10 what? Months? Weeks? Days?
  Doctor: 9
• People say I'm killing it at work lately Might be a bad thing considering I'm a doctor
• My doctor said "I've got bad news: Mercury is in Uranus."
  I said, "I didn't know you were into that astrology stuff."
  He said, "I'm not. My thermometer just broke."

Doctor Patient Jokes

Here is a list of funny doctor patient jokes and even better doctor patient puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• A doctor says to his patient, "Don't eat anything fatty..." To which the patient replies, "Well what about fruit, can I eat that?"
  "No fatty, don't eat anything."
• Doctor: Before you go to sleep, don't eat anything fatty. Obese patient: Can I eat salad instead ?
  Doctor: No, fatty.
• Me: You've gotta let me see a doctor, I'm shrinking! Nurse: Well, the doctor's busy, so you'll just have to be a little patient.
• I told the doctor I had to see him right away because I thought I was shrinking He told me he was busy and that I'd have to be a little patient
• Patient: "Doctor, am I going to die?" Doctor: "That's the last thing you're going to do."
• What did the Doctor say to the midget in the waiting room? "You're going to have to be a little patient"
• Doctor will I be able to play piano after the procedure? Doctor: Yes, I don't see why not.
  Patient: That's wonderful I could never play piano before!
• What is your zodiac sign? Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?
  Patient: Cancer.
  Doctor: What a coincidence...
• A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, You have to help me; I think I'm shrinking. Now settle down, the doctor calmly told him. You're just going to have to be a little patient.
• What's the difference between an ER doctor and an editor? One has patients with comas, the other has patience with commas.

Uproarious Doctor Jokes to Share with Friends

What funny jokes about doctor you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean patient jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make doctor pranks.