Doctor Jokes

179 doctor jokes and hilarious doctor puns to laugh out loud. Read professions jokes about doctor that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

The best doctor jokes to make you laugh out loud!

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Funniest Doctor Short Jokes

Short doctor jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The doctor humour may include short medicine jokes also.

  1. A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh." The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."
    pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
  2. Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
  3. Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.
  4. The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.
  5. Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus. Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.
  6. After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids We think the doctor would do a way better job than us
  7. I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight Sigh...
  8. A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
  9. I asked my doctor when we could anticipate an end to the coronavirus epidemic He said I don't know. I'm not really into politics.
  10. The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again. I can't tell you how upset I am.

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Doctor One Liners

Which doctor one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with doctor? I can suggest the ones about medical and wizard.

  1. Doctor: Sir, i'm afraid your DNA is backwards Me: And ?
  2. Doctor: sorry sir but your body has run out of magnesium Me: 0mg
  3. Doctor: Sir, I have some bad news, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards Me: and?
  4. What type of doctor treats transgender men? A guynowcologist.
  5. My doctor told me that I had a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
  6. My Roman doctor said I needed an IV. I asked: For what?
  7. For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats I'm gonna miss tumblr
  8. Sir, you've got a very rare disease Me: "How rare?"
    Doctor: "You pick the name"
  9. You'll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody.
  10. The doctor said I had Gloria Gaynor Syndrome At first I was afraid...
  11. Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's Patient: Atleast Idont have cancer
  12. This morning, the doctor told me I was colorblind. It came completely out of the orange.
  13. Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means one person enjoys it
  14. I don't know what HD is, But my doctor just told me I got 80 of them
  15. My doctor advised me to stay away from trans fats. I guess I should really get off Tumblr

Doctor And Patient Jokes

Here is a list of funny doctor and patient jokes and even better doctor and patient puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"
  • Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news Patient: What's the good news?
    Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.
  • My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."
  • Doctor: I think the patient is dying. What's his blood type? Nurse: B positive.
    Doctor: Okay. I think the patient is going to make it.
  • A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?" I should have told you yesterday.
  • A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!" The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."
  • Sex every day Says the patient to her female doctor:
    "Doctor, my husband wants to have sex every day, what is the best thing to give him?"

    Doctor: "My number..."
  • As a doctor I often get asked why I use that rubber hammer to tap patient's knees. I dunno. I just get a kick out of it.
  • A patient runs into a doctor's surgery yelling out: I'm shrinking! I'm shrinking! What should I do? The doctor replies: you are just going to have to be a little patient.
  • Doctor: describe your average night Patient: they wear suits of armor
    Doctor: no, i mean at bed time
    Patient: they probably take it off

A Doctor And A Patient Jokes

Here is a list of funny a doctor and a patient jokes and even better a doctor and a patient puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why are doctors always calm? They have a lot of patients.
  • Patient: "Gimme the bad news first!" Doctor: "You have AIDS."
    Patient: "What's the good news?"
    Doctor: "You have alzheimer's."
    Patient: "Well that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS."
  • Doctor: I'm afraid you're suffering from Auto Correct Syndrome Patient: I didn't even know I was I'll
  • Good news The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
    The patient said, "Give me the good news."
    "They're going to name a disease after you."
  • So doctor, do I have rabies? Doc: Short answer. Yes.
    Patient: What's the long answer?
    Doc: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss.
  • I think I'm shrinking! A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
    The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
  • How should a doctor treat a patient with Mesothelioma? Asbestos he can.
  • A doctor walked in to see a patient. I've got good news and bad news. The patient say, What's the good news?
    Doctor, They're going to name a disease after you.
  • What did the doctor say to the angry midget? "I'm going to ask you to be a little patient."
  • My patients are complaining that I'm a terrible doctor I just don't know what's wrong with some people
Doctor joke, My patients are complaining that I'm a terrible doctor

Went To The Doctor Jokes

Here is a list of funny went to the doctor jokes and even better went to the doctor puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty." I asked " no bacon? No burgers?!"
    To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "
  • I went to the doctors with hearing problems... He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
    So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"
  • I went to the doctor because I'm being constantly followed by nearly 20 crows. She says I have Corvid 19.
  • Went to the doctor's today, he told me I was going deaf That news was hard for me to hear
  • I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him. Judge gave me 30 years.
    So I mean who's the real winner here?
  • I went to the doctor's recently. He told me, Don't eat anything fatty. Me: You mean like bacon and burgers?
    Doctor: No fatty. Don't eat anything.
  • My whole life before age 12 was a blur. That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.
  • Went to see my doctor about a blocked ear He asked me to describe the symptoms.
    I said homer is a fat bloke and marge has blue hair
  • I went to see my doctor, and he told me I was overweight. I said, "I want a second opinion."
    He said, "Alright. You're ugly."
  • I went to the doctors recently He said, Don't eat anything fatty
    I respond, What, like bacon and burgers?
    He said, No fatty, don't eat anything.

Bad Doctor Jokes

Here is a list of funny bad doctor jokes and even better bad doctor puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head." "The bad news is it's brain cancer."
  • A man says to the doctor: 'What's the good news?' 'You've got 24 hours to live. He says: 'What's the bad news? The doctor says: 'We should have told you yesterday.'
  • A Saudi woman in a doctor's clinic. Doctor: Mrs Saud there's a good news for you.
    Woman: Excuse me, it's Miss Saud not Mrs Saud.
    Doctor: Miss Saud there's a bad news for you.
  • A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live... Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please"
    Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life"
  • What do good doctors and bad doctors have in common? Their patients don't come back.
  • I went to the doctor today for a prostate exam. It wasn't as bad as I was expecting, until I realized both his hands were on my shoulders.
  • An old man went to the doctor The doctor says "I'm afraid I have bad news. You have cancer... And you have alzheimer's."
    The old man says "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"
  • Doctor: I've got some bad news. You have an incurable disease, you don't have long to live. Man: How long do I have, doc?
    Doctor: 10
    Man: 10 what? Months? Weeks? Days?
    Doctor: 9
  • People say I'm killing it at work lately Might be a bad thing considering I'm a doctor
  • My doctor said "I've got bad news: Mercury is in Uranus."
    I said, "I didn't know you were into that astrology stuff."
    He said, "I'm not. My thermometer just broke."

Doctor Patient Jokes

Here is a list of funny doctor patient jokes and even better doctor patient puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A doctor says to his patient, "Don't eat anything fatty..." To which the patient replies, "Well what about fruit, can I eat that?"
    "No fatty, don't eat anything."
  • Doctor: Before you go to sleep, don't eat anything fatty. Obese patient: Can I eat salad instead ?
    Doctor: No, fatty.
  • Me: You've gotta let me see a doctor, I'm shrinking! Nurse: Well, the doctor's busy, so you'll just have to be a little patient.
  • I told the doctor I had to see him right away because I thought I was shrinking He told me he was busy and that I'd have to be a little patient
  • Patient: "Doctor, am I going to die?" Doctor: "That's the last thing you're going to do."
  • What did the Doctor say to the midget in the waiting room? "You're going to have to be a little patient"
  • Doctor will I be able to play piano after the procedure? Doctor: Yes, I don't see why not.
    Patient: That's wonderful I could never play piano before!
  • What is your zodiac sign? Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?
    Patient: Cancer.
    Doctor: What a coincidence...
  • A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, You have to help me; I think I'm shrinking. Now settle down, the doctor calmly told him. You're just going to have to be a little patient.
  • What's the difference between an ER doctor and an editor? One has patients with comas, the other has patience with commas.
Doctor joke, What's the difference between an ER doctor and an editor?

Uproarious Doctor Jokes to Share with Friends

What funny jokes about doctor you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean patient jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make doctor pranks.

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."
The doctor asked, "What was it like?"
I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore t**... and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

I'm not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn't suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn't cut it as barber; didn't have the patience to be a doctor; didn't fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn't see any future as a historian.

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily s**....

My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.

Doctor: I have the results of your test. You're gonna have to stop m**....

Me: Oh no! Why doctor?"
Doctor: Because I'm trying to talk to you, and it's very distracting.

My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!!

Upvote for visibility.

My doctor wrote me a prescription for "dailysex"...

But the wife had to break it to me that it was actually for "dyslexia".

What kind of doctor is always on call?

An oncologist!
I made this one up last night but I'm sure someone has thought of it before.

A pirate goes to a doctor...

A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."
The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"
(sorry if repost, haven't seen it on this sub)

A guy wakes up from a coma.

His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?

"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.

I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the f**... to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him c**...-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"

If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Sci Fi is Doctor Who. But if I'm being completely objective...

I'd say it's Doctor Whom.

A doctor and a lawyer

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda

that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

A woman says to her doctor, "Kiss me!"

He says "No, I can't."
She asks again "Doctor, please kiss me!"
Again he says "No, that would be unprofessional."
Now she's practically begging "Kiss me!"
He yells "No! I shouldn't even be having s**... with you right now."

A woman is in the hospital in a coma...

and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her c**..., her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes o**... s**... will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."

My doctor told me I needed to stop m**....

I asked him why and he replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Doctor wrote me a prescription for daily s**...

But the wife insists it says its for Dyslexia

My doctor told me to start killing people.

Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.

A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.

"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

Doctor doctor, I think I have a problem with my t**...

Is one of them meant to be bigger than the others.

There was a kid that was born with no eyelids.

The doctor was able to use the skin from the circumcision to make him new eyelids.
It went really well other than the fact the kid is a little c**...-eyed

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."

"Which doctor?", she replied.
"No, the regular kind."

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer

Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.

My wife recently gave birth to our first child. After birth I asked the doctor when could we have s**....

He said that his shift ends in 30 minutes.

Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty.

Me: Can I eat sugar instead?
Doctor: No fatty, don't eat anything.

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.

The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."

How about an Indian joke?

A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"
She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

My doctor said I need to stop m**.... When I asked why, he said ..

Cause I'm trying to give you a physical

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?

Man: Can't say I do.
Doctor: Yes. That's the main one.

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when e**...."
Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

Who was that?

I had my leg x-rayed today.

The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"
By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"
The doctor replied "披萨卷2.54披萨卷"

Doctor [looking at my x-rays] : this is exactly what I was afraid of.

Me: What?
Doctor: Skeletons

I had s**... for 3 hours last night...

We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...

...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 p**....

The doctor says, " 5 p**...!? How do your pants fit?"
The man replies, " like a glove."

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?
The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.

A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"

The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having s**... right now!"

A man goes to see a s**... therapist

"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"
"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.
The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.
"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have s**....
Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the c**... broke?
Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.
Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.
Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.
Doctor: Exactly.

A politicians promise

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.
On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a b**... Mary!"
The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a r**... and coke!"
The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me."
She then collapses and dies from polio.

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.
Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.
Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!
Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.

Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind.

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future.

The doctor asks him - How long have you suffered from that condition?
The guy tells him - Since next Monday.

President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....

A full recovery

A doctor flirted with me today, she said I was really sweet!

I think she meant I was really sweet, she worded it differently and said you're severely diabetic but I know what she meant. She said I'm type 2 and I told her she's my type too

I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.


A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.
"I've been stung by a n**... insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."
"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."
"Okay," says the woman. "It was at Walmart."

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.

**The doctor asked him a series of questions: Do you know where you are? I'm at Rex Hospital. What city are you in? Raleigh. Do you know who I am? Dr. Hamilton. My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, I hope he doesn't ask me any more questions. Why? she asked. Because all of those answers were on his badge. **

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."
The Englishman suddenly grabs the darkest baby and sprints towards the door.
The doctor shouts: "Sir! What are you doing!!!?"
The Englishman as he's getting farther: "I'm not raising no b**... Frenchman!"

Doctor joke, An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving

jokes about doctor