Doctor Jokes
Following is our collection of examination humor and obstetrician one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Doctor puns for adults, dirty nurse jokes or clean symptoms gags for kids.
There is an abundance of blonde and the doctor jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 84 funniest jokes on doctor. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any doctor and child witze you can hear about doctor.
The Best jokes about Doctor
Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !
Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.
Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?
Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.
Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.
Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.
Doctor: Exactly.
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"
The man replies, " like a glove."
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."
Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I replied, "Yes just once."
The doctor asked, "What was it like?"
I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.
A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"
The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"
I'm not having much luck with jobs lately.
I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn't suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn't cut it as barber; didn't have the patience to be a doctor; didn't fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn't see any future as a historian.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"
The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.
The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.
I dropped my knife and cut off a toe
After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.
A man takes his wife to get tested
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?
The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.
Doctor: Sir, i'm afraid your DNA is backwards
Me: And ?
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.
One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."
Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.
After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids
We think the doctor would do a way better job than us
I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight
Sigh...
A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."
The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
I asked my doctor when we could anticipate an end to the coronavirus epidemic
He said I don't know. I'm not really into politics.
The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.
I can't tell you how upset I am.
A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.
2 days later he gets a call from the lab.
Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.
Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!
Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
How about an Indian joke?
A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"
She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"
A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future.
The doctor asks him - How long have you suffered from that condition?
The guy tells him - Since next Monday.
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?
Man: Can't say I do.
Doctor: Yes. That's the main one.
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?", she replied.
"No, the regular kind."
I had sex for 3 hours last night...
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
A man goes to see a sex therapist
"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"
"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.
The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.
"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."
A politicians promise
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.
On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.
Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.
The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."
"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
"Silent farts that don't stink..."
An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."
9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda
that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan
Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty.
Me: Can I eat sugar instead?
Doctor: No fatty, don't eat anything.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?
"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"
Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"
My doctor said I need to stop masturbating. When I asked why, he said ..
Cause I'm trying to give you a physical
After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.
Who was that?
Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news
Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.
My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often
Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.
Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."
The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."
A woman is in the hospital in a coma...
and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty."
I asked " no bacon? No burgers?!"
To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "
I went to the doctors with hearing problems...
He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"
For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats
I'm gonna miss tumblr
Sir, you've got a very rare disease
Me: "How rare?"
Doctor: "You pick the name"
My wife recently gave birth to our first child. After birth I asked the doctor when could we have sex.
He said that his shift ends in 30 minutes.
I had my leg x-rayed today.
The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"
By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"
The doctor replied "æ«èšć·2.54æ«èšć·"
My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!!
Upvote for visibility.
My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.
I asked him why and he replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
A guy wakes up from a coma.
His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".
My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay
But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."
A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.
"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
My doctor wrote me a prescription for "dailysex"...
But the wife had to break it to me that it was actually for "dyslexia".
Doctor doctor, I think I have a problem with my testicles
Is one of them meant to be bigger than the others.
I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...
The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"
President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....
A full recovery
My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.
A pirate goes to a doctor...
A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."
The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"
(sorry if repost, haven't seen it on this sub)
If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Sci Fi is Doctor Who. But if I'm being completely objective...
I'd say it's Doctor Whom.
^*
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!"
The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!"
The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me."
She then collapses and dies from polio.
You'll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!
Everybody.
Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer
Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.
What kind of doctor is always on call?
An oncologist!
...
I made this one up last night but I'm sure someone has thought of it before.
There was a kid that was born with no eyelids.
The doctor was able to use the skin from the circumcision to make him new eyelids.
It went really well other than the fact the kid is a little cock-eyed
Doctor: I have the results of your test. You're gonna have to stop masturbating.
Me: Oh no! Why doctor?"
Doctor: Because I'm trying to talk to you, and it's very distracting.
Doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex
But the wife insists it says its for Dyslexia
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
Doctor [looking at my x-rays] : this is exactly what I was afraid of.
Me: What?
Doctor: Skeletons
A woman says to her doctor, "Kiss me!"
He says "No, I can't."
She asks again "Doctor, please kiss me!"
Again he says "No, that would be unprofessional."
Now she's practically begging "Kiss me!"
He yells "No! I shouldn't even be having sex with you right now."
A woman wakes up from a coma and...
A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the my daughter?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Oh that's not that bad. What did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew
Does it hurt anymore?
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"
A guy is having a check up at the doctor's...
"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it" sais the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"
"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc"
"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"
Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's
Patient: Atleast Idont have Cancer
A mother and a son walk into a doctor's office
Because the son has been doing very poorly in his classes.
The mother says to the doctor "I think my son has become stupid."
The doctor says in reply "Well how do you suppose that would happen?"
"Well I don't know for sure but he hasn't passed a single test since he was vaccinated last year."
"Ah-ha! That's it!"
"So it was the vaccines then?"
"No, it's genetic."
I asked the doctor where I should put my pants during my prostate examination.
Over there next to mine, was not the answer I was expecting.
Doctors have confirmed that masturbation is life threatening
Many men have died after having a stroke
A man goes to the doctors as he thinks he's going deaf
What are the symptoms? The doctor asks
They're that yellow family that live in Springfield
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.