Doctor Jokes

Funniest Doctor Short Jokes

Short doctor jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The doctor humour may include short medicine jokes also.

1. A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh." The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."
   pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
2. Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
3. Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.
4. Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus. Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.
5. After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids We think the doctor would do a way better job than us
6. I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight Sigh...
7. I asked my doctor when we could anticipate an end to the coronavirus epidemic He said I don't know. I'm not really into politics.
8. The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again. I can't tell you how upset I am.
9. A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him - How long have you suffered from that condition?
   The guy tells him - Since next Monday.
10. A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head." "The bad news is it's brain cancer."

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Doctor One Liners

Which doctor one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with doctor? I can suggest the ones about medical and wizard.

1. Doctor: Sir, i'm afraid your DNA is backwards Me: And ?
2. Doctor: sorry sir but your body has run out of magnesium Me: 0mg
3. Doctor: Sir, I have some bad news, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards Me: and?
4. What type of doctor treats transgender men? A guynowcologist.
5. My doctor told me that I had a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
6. My Roman doctor said I needed an IV. I asked: For what?
7. For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats I'm gonna miss tumblr
8. Sir, you've got a very rare disease Me: "How rare?"
   Doctor: "You pick the name"
9. You'll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody.
10. The doctor said I had Gloria Gaynor Syndrome At first I was afraid...
11. Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's Patient: Atleast Idont have cancer
12. This morning, the doctor told me I was colorblind. It came completely out of the orange.
13. Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means one person enjoys it
14. I don't know what HD is, But my doctor just told me I got 80 of them
15. What do you call doctors who graduated online? Google Docs

Doctor And Patient Jokes

Here is a list of funny doctor and patient jokes and even better doctor and patient puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"
• Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news Patient: What's the good news?
  Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.
• My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."
• Doctor: I think the patient is dying. What's his blood type? Nurse: B positive.
  Doctor: Okay. I think the patient is going to make it.
• A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?" I should have told you yesterday.
• A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!" The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."
• Sex every day Says the patient to her female doctor:
  "Doctor, my husband wants to have sex every day, what is the best thing to give him?"
  
  Doctor: "My number..."
• As a doctor I often get asked why I use that rubber hammer to tap patient's knees. I dunno. I just get a kick out of it.
• Doctor: describe your average night Patient: they wear suits of armor
  Doctor: no, i mean at bed time
  Patient: they probably take it off
• Why are doctors always calm? They have a lot of patients.
  Sorry.

A Doctor And A Patient Jokes

Here is a list of funny a doctor and a patient jokes and even better a doctor and a patient puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• Patient: "Gimme the bad news first!" Doctor: "You have AIDS."
  Patient: "What's the good news?"
  Doctor: "You have alzheimer's."
  Patient: "Well that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS."
• So doctor, do I have rabies? Doc: Short answer. Yes.
  Patient: What's the long answer?
  Doc: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss.
• How should a doctor treat a patient with Mesothelioma? Asbestos he can.
• What did the doctor say to the angry midget? "I'm going to ask you to be a little patient."
• My patients are complaining that I'm a terrible doctor I just don't know what's wrong with some people
• A doctor says to his patient, "Don't eat anything fatty..." To which the patient replies, "Well what about fruit, can I eat that?"
  "No fatty, don't eat anything."
• Doctor: Before you go to sleep, don't eat anything fatty. Obese patient: Can I eat salad instead ?
  Doctor: No, fatty.
• I told the doctor I had to see him right away because I thought I was shrinking He told me he was busy and that I'd have to be a little patient
• Patient: "Doctor, am I going to die?" Doctor: "That's the last thing you're going to do."
• A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live... Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please"
  Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life"

Went To The Doctor Jokes

Here is a list of funny went to the doctor jokes and even better went to the doctor puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty." I asked " no bacon? No burgers?!"
  To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "
• I went to the doctors with hearing problems... He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
  So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"
• I went to the doctor because I'm being constantly followed by nearly 20 crows. She says I have Corvid 19.
• Went to the doctor's today, he told me I was going deaf That news was hard for me to hear
• My whole life before age 12 was a blur. That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.
• I went to the doctor complaining about wax in my ear "Which ear is it?" She said
  "2022" I replied
• North Korea is handling Covid surprisingly well Last week 9/10 doctors said Covid-19 was under control,
  ​
  This week the stat went up to 9/9!
• I went to the doctor today for a prostate exam. It wasn't as bad as I was expecting, until I realized both his hands were on my shoulders.
• Robin Hood went to see a doctor... ...he was diagnosed with Menintightis.
• I went to the doctor to get a vasectomy. The doctor said, "This a really big decision you know. Have you discussed it with your wife and kids?
  I said, "Yes, they're in favor 14 to 3.."

Bad Doctor Jokes

Here is a list of funny bad doctor jokes and even better bad doctor puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• A Saudi woman in a doctor's clinic. Doctor: Mrs Saud there's a good news for you.
  Woman: Excuse me, it's Miss Saud not Mrs Saud.
  Doctor: Miss Saud there's a bad news for you.
• What do good doctors and bad doctors have in common? Their patients don't come back.
• Doctor: I've got some bad news. You have an incurable disease, you don't have long to live. Man: How long do I have, doc?
  Doctor: 10
  Man: 10 what? Months? Weeks? Days?
  Doctor: 9
• People say I'm killing it at work lately Might be a bad thing considering I'm a doctor
• Doctor, on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is this tumor? Doctor: "I'd say it's be-nine."
  Patient: "Hahaha"
  Doctor: "Hahahaha"
  Patient: "Haha"
  Doctor: "You have a month to live."
• Why did Dracula become a vegetarian? Because his doctor said stakes were bad for his heart.
  source: My 7 year-old.
• I asked my doctor how bad my breath is. "You see that broccoli over there?" he pointed.
  "Yes..." I replied.
  "That was a cauliflower before you started talking."
• Diagnose Doctor: Well, those results look bad...
  Patient: How bad are they?
  Doctor: It depends, how old are you?
  Patient: I will be 24 soon.
  Doctor: Pffff, no you won't.
• My doctor warned me that constantly singing Frank Sinatra songs was bad for my health, but I just wouldn't listen. And now, the end is near.
• Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news First the good news: we definitely established that you are not a hypochondriac.

Doctor Patient Jokes

Here is a list of funny doctor patient jokes and even better doctor patient puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• Doctor will I be able to play piano after the procedure? Doctor: Yes, I don't see why not.
  Patient: That's wonderful I could never play piano before!
• What is your zodiac sign? Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?
  Patient: Cancer.
  Doctor: What a coincidence...
• What's the difference between an ER doctor and an editor? One has patients with comas, the other has patience with commas.
• Me as a doctor Me: So how are you?
  Patient: ummmm.. fine
  Me: Okay, next patient please.
• Receptionist: Doctor, your next patient claims to be invisible. Doctor: Well tell him I can't see him right now.
• Congratulations, said the doctor, you have a new life growing inside you! The patient said, I'm a man.
  The doctor said, the tapeworm doesn't care.
• Hospital patient lying in bed: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" Doctor: "Yes, I'm sorry. We had to amputate your arms."
  [A brief sketch from an ancient episode of 'Not The Nine O'Clock News']
• There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital. Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
  Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.
  Doctor: I know... that's my name.
• DOCTOR: You have three left to live. PATIENT: Three what? Three months? Years?
  DOCTOR: Questions.
• Doctor- Calm down alex, it's just a minor operation. Patient- thank you, but I am not Alex.
  Doctor- I am.

Uproarious Doctor Jokes to Share with Friends

What funny jokes about doctor you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean patient jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make doctor pranks.