Doctor Daughter Jokes
80 doctor daughter jokes and hilarious doctor daughter puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about doctor daughter that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Doctor Daughter Short Jokes
Short doctor daughter jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The doctor daughter humour may include short dad daughter jokes also.
- "Craig, I caught your son playing 'doctor' with my daughter!" "Oh lord, that kid. My boy didn't do anything inappropriate, did he?"
"I'll say! The co-pay he charged was outrageous!" - My 7 year old daughter came up with this one (I trained her well). Why did the doctor make an emergency call to the graveyard? Because all the coffin.
- The best first: Doctor to Mrs. Spew: Is your daughter always stuttering like that? Mrs. Spew shakes her head: No, only when she wants to say something.
- The doctor asks "Would you like to see the Misscarriage"? "Of course I want to see my daughter," snaps Mr. Carriage.
- When my daughter Ria turned 4, she was so crazy with happiness, I took her to the doctor who said: Euphoria
- Did you hear about...? The dad who put gasoline in his daughter's sippy cup?
Doctor's say she's going to be fine. She just had a little gas. - A man goes to see his doctor. Man: Doc, I need to get some birth control for my daughter.
Doctor: Is she s**... active?
Man: No. She just lays there like her mother. - A man takes his 11 year old daughter to the doctor to put her on birth control Doctor: 11 years old, is she s**... active?!?
Father: na, she mostly lays there and cries.. - So this guy goes to the doctor to get birth-control pills for her fourteen year old daughter. And the doctor asks "so she's s**... active at fourteen?"
"No, she just lies there, like her mother."
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Doctor Daughter One Liners
Which doctor daughter one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with doctor daughter? I can suggest the ones about mother daughter and father daughter.
- Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter
- Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he's feeling crummy.
-my 4 yo daughter- - Keep your daughters away from Olympic Track and Field events: Doctor's orders.
- The Funny Doctor Said..... Your Daughters Fine.............Ly Dead.
Comical & Quirky Doctor Daughter Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about doctor daughter you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mother son jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make doctor daughter pranks.
A Grandmother was checking out her grand-daughters grasp of colours and tested her regularly.
She would ask her and the grand-daughter would always get the colour right.
One day as we were heading to the doctors she turned to her Grandma and said "Don’t you think it’s time you tried to figure some of these out for yourself?"
A couple placed an ad: "Have 4 sons, need advice on how to get a daughter."
Responses:
American: "Keep trying!"
Briton: "Change Doctor!"
Aussie: "Follow a special diet."
Indian: "Practice yoga!"
Pinoy: "Let me try!"
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital.
After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead.
The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter (who wasn't blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" the former blonde asked.
A woman pregnant with triplets goes into a grocery store and gets shot 3 times in the stomach during a robbery...
She is rushed to the hospital and all known tests are run on her. The doctor approaches her and tells her the children are all fine, but it's too late in the pregnancy to safely remove the bullets. They would fall out in their own time.
The woman gives birth to 3 healthy kids. Two girls, and a boy.
16 years later, the first little girl comes running in yelling "mommy mommy! I was peeing and a bullet fell out!"
The mother reassures her daughter and explains the story to her.
The next week, the second little girl comes running in yelling "mommy mommy! I was peeing and a bullet fell out!"
So again, the mother reassures her daughter and explains the story.
The next week, the boy comes in distraught. There are tears running down his face and he is crying hard.
The mother takes a look at him worried and says "let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet fell out?"
The boy responds "no! I was m**... and I shot the dog!"
r**... Birth control
A r**... took his daughter to the Gynocologist.
They waited in the Doctor's office when finally the Doctor came in and asked the father: "Well, what are we here for today"?
The father answered: "to get my daughter on birth control, Doc".
"Well, is your daughter s**... active?", asked the Doctor.
"No", answered the r**..., "she just lays there like her mother".
The elbow
A man is complaining to his friend: "My elbow really hurts. I think I need to see a doctor." His friend answers: "Dude, this is 2012, in the supermarket they have a new computer that can diagnose much faster and cheaper. Just place a u**... sample in the machine and it says what's wrong, and that only for $1!"
The man decides to take a shot, fills a glass with u**..., goes to the supermarket, finds the computer and pours his u**... into the computer. Immediately a small paper is printed and comes out of the computer: "TENNIS ELBOW. Keep your arm warm for a few days and avoid heavy lifting. In two weeks you'll be better."
The former scriptkiddie is impressed and decides to see if he can confuse the computer. He mixes dishwashing water with diarrhea from his dog, together with some u**... from his wife and daughter. To finish it he masturbates and drops his s**... into the cup and mixes everything again.
when he arrives in the supermarked he drops his mixture into the computer. The computer spits out a little less small paper: "Your tap water contains too much calcium, buy softener. Your dog has parasites, give him medicines. Your daughter smokes marihuana, speak with her. Your wife is pregnant and you're not the father, get yourself a good lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better!
Not Pregnant
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would not compromise her reputation by having s**... with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show up again."
Mom takes her sick daughter to the doctor.
The doctor asks the girl, "How old are you?"
Girl: "I will be 7 in two days."
Doctor: "Aww, look how optimistic we are."
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Totally unrelated joke
Son: "Dad, can I cross the street when the red light for pedestrians is on?"
Dad: "Yes, but make sure your arms are up in the air over your head."
Son: "Why is that?"
Dad: "Because it will be easier to t**... shirt in the morgue".
A man takes his daughter to the doctor
A man takes his 11 year old daughter to the doctor and asks him to put her in birth control.
Concerned, the doctor replied, "I think she's a bit young to be s**... active.."
The father replies, "Well I wouldn't exactly call her *active*. She mostly just lies there."
A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a
car accident...
A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"
The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."
"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."
"Oh, that's not so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."
So, a mother takes her daughter to a doctor...
A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother asked the
doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and
I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced, "Madam, I
believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little girl has never
even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She turns to the girl and
said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as kissed a man!"
The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently
he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued staring
until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out
there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this
happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one
was going to show up."
A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot
with three bullets to her w**.... Miraculously she and all her children survived. However, a bullet had embedded in each of the three children. The doctor decided it would be best to leave the bullets. A few months later she gives birth to two beautiful daughters and a son, with no health complication.
~~~13 years later ~~~
The mother had decided that it would be best for the children if she never told them about the shooting. One day when one of her daughters was using the washroom she peed out the bullet. She freaked out and ran to her mother, "Mom, mom I was just using the washroom and I peed out a bullet, what is going on?!" And the mom decided it was time to come clean. "I was shot 13 years ago, and a bullet has embedded in you and your brother and sister..." A few days later her other daughter comes running "Mom, mom I was just using the washroom and I peed out a bullet, what is going on?!" and the mother responded "I was shot 13 years ago, and a bullet has embedded in you and your brother and sister..." A few days, not to the mothers surprise her son came running "Mom, mom..." "Wait, let me guess , interrupted the mother, you were using the washroom and you peed out a bullet?" "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
"Mommy, mommy..."
One day a pregnant woman was walking home from work and decided to cut through an alley. A mugger was waiting and said "Give me all your money!" She complied, but then the mugger shot her three times in the stomach. At the hospital the doctors managed to save her and her three babies. Now fast forward 12 years.
"Mommy Mommy, i just peed out a bullet!" said the first daughter.
"Sit down, i will tell you the story..." replied the mother.
the next day the same thing happened with the other daughter.
"Alright sit down, i will tell you the story." said the mom.
3 days later the son comes running up to his mom.
"Mommy mommy" said the boy.
"Let me guess you peed out a bullet?" asked the mom.
"No! I was jacking off and i shot the dog."
Be careful of your aim
A woman was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" So she goes, "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
Twins
A pregnant woman was involved in a car accident and fell into a coma. When she awoke days later she realized she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby?!"
The doctor replied, "Calm down ma'am, you gave birth to healthy twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."
"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."
"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."
An old man at the doctors office...
His daughter took him to a doctor for a check up. During the check up - the doctor asks the old man about his visits to the toilet at night, and he replies: "I wake up, walk to the bathroom and God turns on the light for me". Confused, the doctor finishes his procedure and tells the old mans daughter about the whole "God-light" thing. To which she replies: "Oh no! He's been using the fridge again!"
A right-wing law firm is trying to overturn Roe v Wade.
They find their test plaintiff, a man whose daughter had gotten an abortion after he forbade it. The firm sues the doctors, and the appeals go all the way to the Supreme Court, exactly as intended. The Court even agrees to hear the case ... only to uphold Roe v Wade, 5 - 4.
All in all, it was a classic case of abort, retry, fail.
Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years...
Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you? " Ed asked. "Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust. "
"Oh dear, that sounds terrible. " Ed said. "What business were you in? "
"I sell lucky charms," said Ted."
A pregnant woman is standing in line at the bank...
Suddenly, the bank gets robbed. She gets shot 3 times. Quickly she's being rushed to the hospital. There she learns her unborn babies survived. A few months later she bears 3 children, 2 daughters and a son. Each one has a bullet in them. The doctor tells her they'll pee it out eventually.
13 years later one of her daughters runs over screaming to her. "Mommy mommy I went to pee and a bullet came out of me". She then proceeds to explain the whole ordeal. The same happens with her second daughter.
Then her son comes running over with a startled look on his face. "I see what happened, you pee'd and a bullet came out of you.", said the mother. "No, I was m**... and I accidentally shot the dog."
An old favorite for this festive day
A woman wakes up in a hospital bed to find that she's been in a coma after a car accident. She sees a doctor next to her and quickly asks him, Where is my son? He was really good at soccer, and had a long career ahead of him."
The doctor replies, I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg. He won't be able to kick a soccer ball any more.
The woman asks about her daughter. Doctor, where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at the US Open.
The doctor says, Sorry but in the accident she lost her arm and she won't be able to pick up a racket any more.
She begins to cry.
Doctor, asks the woman, how long have I been in this coma?
The doctor replies, Six months.
So what's the date? asks the woman.
April 1st, says the doctor.
The woman begins to laugh So you were joking then, were you?
Doctor: YES… they both died on impact.
Broken leg
"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said, 'No, everything is fine.'
'Are you sure?' she asked.
'I'm sure,' I said.
'Isn't there anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know. 'I reckon not,' I replied."
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
Denise and WHAT?!
A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"
"Danephew."
My friend told me this gem the other day
A man walks into a doctor's office with his 8 year-old daughter. Looking at the nurse he asks "Excuse me, miss? I need to see someone about getting my daughter on birth control."
The nurse replies, "My god! Your daughter is s**... active?"
"Nah, she just lays there like her Mom."
A Pregnant women gets in a car wreck....
...and fell into a coma. When she awoke a few days later, she noticed that she wasn't carrying a child, and asked the doctor, "Doctor, what happened to my baby!?"
The doctor replies, "It's all okay. You gave birth to beautiful twins, a boy and a girl. But we needed someone to name them, so your brother came in and gave them their names."
The woman is surprised. "No, not my brother! He's not the smartest guy in the world."
"Well ma'am, he named your daughter Denise," the doctor said.
"Oh, that's not too bad. What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
A woman pregnant with triplets catches three stray bullets from a drive-by shooting.
In the emergency room, a doctor tells her she and her unborn children will be fine but they could not remove the bullets. He informs her all is well and the children, two girls and a boy, will pee the bullets out in around 16 years.
So around the 16th year, the mother is in the kitchen making her morning coffee when one her daughters runs in, frantic and concerned.
"Mom! Mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out!"
Her mother tells her there's nothing to worry about and tells her the story.
Then around noon, the mother is in the garden watering some flowers when the other daughter comes outside and says
"Mom! Mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out!" The mother explains everything and goes back to watering.
That night the mother was laying in bed reading when her son burst into her room.
"Mom! Mom! I was-"
"Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
"No, no!" says the son, "I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"
Computer diagnosis
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your u**..., and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a u**... sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and u**... samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m**... into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using c**....
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop m**..., your elbow will never get better.
A woman wakes up in a hospital bed to find that she's been in a coma after a car accident.
She sees a doctor next to her and quickly asks, "Where's my son? He's really good at soccer and has a long career ahead of him."
The doctor replies, "I'm so sorry- in the accident he lost his leg. He will not be able to kick a soccer ball any more."
Getting anxious, the woman asks about her daughter. "Doctor, where is my daughter? She's a tennis prodigy, and will likely win the US Open one day!"
The doctor says, "Sorry, but in the accident she lost her arm and will not be able to pick up a racket ever again."
The woman begins to cry.
"Doctor, how long have I been in this coma?"
"About a month," he replies.
"So what's the date?" asks the woman.
"April 1st," the doctor says, grinning.
The woman begins to laugh. "Ha, so you were joking all along, weren't you?"
Chuckling, the doctor says, "Yep! They both died on impact!"
A man goes to the doctor for a u**... test.
The doctor performs the test and tells him that he has Diabetes. The man doesn't believe this and tells the doctor he wants to retake the test. The doctor complies, but the test results remained the same. The man returns home and plans to confuse the doctor by mixing his u**... with that of his wife and daughter and adds some of his car oil. The doctor examines the sample and comes out to tell the man:"Your wife is cheating on you, your daughter is pregnant, your car needs an oil change, and you still have diabetes. "
A man from Oklahoma takes his daughter to the gynecologist...
He tells the doctor that he'd like to put her on birth-control pills. The doctor asks him how old she is.
"She's thirteen." the man says.
The doctor is somewhat startled, "That's seems a bit young, is she s**... active?"
The man replies, "Naw... she jus' lays there like 'er mother."
Just after Jane Fonda was born..
..the doctor approached her father Henry with bad news.
'I'm afraid your new baby daughter has an underdeveloped heart, we're going to have to inject her with pus and create an abscess.'
Henry is shocked.
'I've never heard of the like, what quackery do you call this?!?'
'Well, an abscess makes the heart grow, Fonda!'
So a guy goes to the doctor...
Doctor: "What can i help you with today?"
Guy: "I need to get some birth control for my daughter."
Doctor:" Well, is your daughter s**... active?"
Guy: "No, she just lays there."
A woman pregnant with twins goes into labor unexpectedly.
Her brother drove her to the hospital, since her husband was away on business. It was a very risky delivery, and the doctors had to put her under during the procedure.
The woman woke up and immediately asked, "Are my babies okay?"
The nurse on call said reassuringly, "Oh yes, your children were born healthy, a boy and a girl. However -- your brother had to name them because we needed to get the birth certificates filled out."
Nervously, she asked, "What did he name my daughter?"
"Denise," the nurse replied.
Relieved, the woman said, "That's a lovely name! I was worried he'd come up with something truly awful. And my son?"
"Denephew."
Babies
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions of Ireland with no running water, no electricity, none of the creature comforts. One night, Mikes' wife goes into labor. The local doctor is there in attendance.
"What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?"
"Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" The doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. "Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy."
"Saints be praised, I..."
Before Mike can finish the doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the doctor cuts in. "Hold the lantern, Mikey! Hold the lantern!" Soon the doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the third baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "do you think it's the light that's attracting 'em?"
So, the 7 year-old daughter is talking with her mom...
"Mom, today at school during break, Jason and I played doctor!" she says excitedly.
"Oh dear" the mother answers, fearing the worst "what did you two do?"
"Oh, not much, he made me wait forty-five minutes and then double billed the insurance company."
A pregnant woman goes to the bank.
A Pregnant Woman goes to the Bank and she gets shot 3 times in the stomach by a Robber.
Miraculously though her 3 triplets somehow managed to absorb the bullets in the w**....
The doctors cannot explain it and after a lot of research they still couldn't explain how it happened.
16 years later her oldest triplet came running down the stairs.
"Mum! Mum! I had a p**... and a bullet came out!" her daughter yelled.
"The doctor said this might happen" the mother said as she reassured her.
The next day her second daughter came down the stairs.
"Mum! Mum! I had a p**... and a bullet came out!"
And again the mother reassured her.
The third day her son came running the down the stairs yelling "Mum! Mum!"
"Let me guess you had a p**... and a bullet came out" the mother said.
"No! I was m**... and shot the dog!"
A jewish woman gets up mid-flight and shouts, "Is there a doctor in the house?"
A nice man stands up from his seat and says, "I am! What's the problem?"
Woman replies, "Do you want to meet my daughter?"
A woman gives birth to twins and then goes into a coma
When she wakes up, she realises that she is yet to name her child.
Doctor: Oh, don't worry about that miss. Your brother was here while you were unconscious. He named your children.
Mother: What!? My brother is a complete idiot! Oh God, what did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise
Mother: Oh, I guess that's not too bad. What a relief. And what did he name my son?
Doctor: ....Denephew
A woman wakes up from a coma and...
A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the my daughter?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Oh that's not that bad. What did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew
A woman who has just given birth has fallen into a coma.
After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.
Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so s**...! What did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise.
Mother: well that isn't so bad, and what did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew.
A man from tennessee takes his daughter to the doctor and tells the doctor his daughter need birth control.
The doctor asks, "How old is she?"
He replies, "15."
"And she's s**... active," the doctor asks.
The man replies, "Naw, she just lays there like her mother."
Oooooo Eeeeee Oooooo Ahhh Ahhh Ting Tang...
I was shocked when my adopted daughter told me she was going to marry a Witch Doctor.
Why do you want to do that? I asked.
Pwobabwy for financial secuwity, she replied.
Daughter
A middle aged man takes his 14 year old daughter to the doctor.
"And what do we need today young lady?" The doctor asks.
The father answers for her "She needs to start birth control".
The doctor gasps "She's s**... active at 14!?"
The father replies "Nope, she just lays there, just like her mother.
A pregnant woman is hit by a car....
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"
The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."
She says,"My brother? That guy is a m**...! Why would you do that?"
"I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them."
"What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?"
"He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor.
"Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?"
To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor for a s**... test.
The doctor gives him a bottle to collect his s**... with. The next day he comes back with an empty bottle. He looks at the doctor and says:
"I've tried with my left hand and then with my right hand. My wife tried with both her hands. Even my daughter tried with both her hands and her mouth as well, same with my granddaughter. Even the neighbour and her daughter couldn't get it done! Doctor, could you open this bottle for me?"
A mother finds out she has cancer
A mother and daughter visit the doctor to get the results of the mom's pap-smear.
"It's stage-4 cervical cancer. You have 1 month left", the doctor says.
The mother is devastated. She gathers all her girlfriends for one last brunch.
At the brunch she announces, "Bad news, the doctor said I have 1 month to live. I have AIDS."
Her friends are shocked. They offer their condolences and hurriedly depart.
"But mom", the daughter protests "You have cancer. Why did you tell them you have AIDS?"
Mom replies, "Because I don't want any of them sleeping with your father."
A man brings his 12 year old daughter to the doctor.
He tells the doctor he needs birth control for his daughter.
Raising his eyebrows the doctor replies "Is your daughter s**... active?"
The man replies, "s**... active? No. She usually just lays there and cries."
White kid and Black goat
A white man works in the black tribe as a doctor.
One day, a black guy whose wife is the most beautiful woman in tribe meets the doctor to blame him: "My wife has just born a daughter, but her skin is white. And you are the only white skin man in this tribe".
The doctor calmly answers that: "The nature is very wonderful and magical. You can see goats over there. There is a black one in the herd of white goats."
After think about that carefully, the black guy says: "Okay, I promise secrecy about my white daughter to buy your silence about that black goat".
A man takes his nine year old daughter to the doctor.
After several hours in the waiting room, they're called in.
"Hello," the doctor says. "How can I help you?"
The man nods, "It"s my daughter, I was wondering if you could put her on birth control."
"Birth control?" the doctor is incredulous. "She"s too young to be s**... active!"
"s**... active?" the father says, "She just lies there like her mother!"
How about an Indian joke?
A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"
She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"
An Arkansas man takes his 12 year-old daughter to the doctor to get her on birth control
The doctor then asks the man, Your 12 year-old daughter is s**... active!?
The man replies, No, she's like her mother. She just lays there.
Baby names
Right before giving birth, a woman carrying twins falls into a coma and has an emergency C\-section. When she finally woke up, she called the doctor over and asked about her children. "Oh, they're beautiful. You had a boy and a girl." the doctor says.
She begins to smile and asks "Wait, who named them?"
"Your brother" the doctor answered.
"Oh, no. Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name my daughter?"
"Denise" The doctor replied.
"Oh, that's not so bad" the mother replied. "What about my son?"
"Denephew"
An 80 year old man goes to the doctor
The doctor tells him that he needs a s**... sample. He hands the old man a small jar and tells him to bring it back the next day. However, it's empty when he returns it. The doctor says, "Hey, I told you I needed to take a s**... sample" to which the old man replied "Well doc, I tried, I really did. I couldn't do it, so I called my wife, and she couldn't do it. She suggested that we try out neighbors, but they were no help, so they called up their daughter in Wyoming to come over to try. She wasn't able to either. We thought that maybe we had to all try at the same time, but it didn't work. Guess some jars are just impossible to open."
"Doctor, I've listened to your advice, about getting my family involved in trying to help me recover."
He said, "Well, I've told you what the cures are. There are three. Two of them your children should have been able to aid you with, the third is s**...."
"Yes," I said, "of that I am aware."
"So..." he began. "What does your son give you?"
"Ibuprofen."
"What does your daughter give you?"
"Paracetamol."
"Then what does your wife give you?"
"A headache."
My wife was in labor with our daughter
My wife was in labor with our daughter, everything was going well until she started shouting
"Shouldn't! Couldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't! Can't!".
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing, she is just having contractions."
The mother took her young daughter to a psychiatrist and explained to the headshrinker that the girl thought she was a chicken. The doctor soothed her, observing that an overactive imagination is not uncommon in children, and asking how long the girl had suffered from the delusion.
"Almost two years," said the mother.
"Your daughter has imagined she is a chicken for nearly two years?!" the psychiatrist exclaimed. "Why have you waited so long before bringing her in?"
The woman looked embarrassed, then confessed: "We needed the eggs, doctor."
After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor's boy,
the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother. It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age, the neighbor said. Sexuality?! the mother yelled. He took out her appendix!
After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.
Doctor" he said "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset that my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine.
Nonsense" the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.
It isn't possible" the man insisted. "We're pure Asian".
"Well" said the doctor "let me ask you this. How often do you have s**...?"
The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only make love once or twice a month.
There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust".
A woman is urgently rushed to hospital by her brother to give birth to twins.
In the hospital, she gives birth to a boy and a girl. She loses consciousness shortly after.
A few hours later, she wakes up with a doctor standing over her. She asks "Where are my children?"
The doctor replies "They're in the next room with your brother. He said you wouldn't mind if he named them."
Alarmed, the woman asks "What did he name them? He's a data engineer, you see, so I'm worried he might have chosen some...technical names."
"It's okay," assures the doctor. "He named your daughter Constance."
"Well, that's not too bad," the woman sighs. "What did he name my son?"
"Variables."
A pregant woman goes into a doctors office to have an ultrasound.
The doctor tells us that she is going to have a girl. The doctor then asks what she will name the baby. "Hannah," she says. "I have six other daughters, and I've named them all Hannah."
"Surely that's a bit confusing?" The doctor inquires. "What if you want to call one of them downstairs?"
"That's easy," replied the woman. "I just call them by their last name."
Jewish mother goes to the airport
to meet her daughter, who was returning from a summer abroad. The daughter gets off the plane hand-in-hand with a 7' tall Zulu warrior, with a bone through his hair and nose.
The mother yells at her "I said a *rich* doctor!"
The Marriage,,,
Paula, a mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter
Janet's plane to land. Janet had just come back from abroad trying to find
adventure during her gap year. As Janet was exiting the plane, Paula
noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic
markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head.
Janet introduced this man as her new husband.
Paula gasped out loud in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I
said for you to marry a rich Doctor .... a rich Doctor!"
p**... joke
I took my baby daughter to get her shots. As the pediatrician asks us about feeding and activities, she drops the question "How's the p**...?"
I replied "I don't know. I haven't tried it."
I am not allowed to go to her doctor's appointments. :(
Woman asks her friend "How are your kids getting on now?"
"Fine!" Comes the reply. "My oldest boy grew up to be a doctor, the second grew up to be a teacher, and my daughter grew up to be a lawyer!"
"What about your youngest boy? How's he doing?
"Ah. He grew up to be a thief. He lives at home with us still."
"So you let your three decent kids fend for themselves, and kept the black sheep of the family at home? Isn't that wrong?"
"No, of course not. He keeps us supported financially. The other three are all unemployed."
(Translated from Greek, sorry if it don't make sense!)