Doctor Clinic Jokes
51 doctor clinic jokes and hilarious doctor clinic puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about doctor clinic that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Doctor Clinic Short Jokes
Short doctor clinic jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The doctor clinic humour may include short doctor office jokes also.
- A Saudi woman in a doctor's clinic. Doctor: Mrs Saud there's a good news for you.
Woman: Excuse me, it's Miss Saud not Mrs Saud.
Doctor: Miss Saud there's a bad news for you. - Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well. Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.
- What did the doctor say when all of his clientele started going to the clinic across the street? I'm losing my patience.
- In front of a mental clinic, a patient was pulling a rope. Doctor: why are you pulling that rope?
Patient: what do you want me to do, push it?! - I went to the health clinic the other day... My doctor said I weighed 483 pounds but I shouldn't worry about it because we are in the UK
- Doctors & patients role-play in bed with the wife last night didn't end well Things took a turn for the worse when her diagnosis came back "clinically obese".
- A doctor who ran his clinic out of a shopping center was shut down this week... He was sued for mall-practice.
- I went to the abortion clinic the other day and i was pretty hungry So I asked the doctor to "feed us"
- A Soviet citizen entered a medical clinic one day and asked to see an ear-and-eye doctor. Asked about is problem, the man replied, "Well, I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
- A midget walks into a doctors clinic carrying a sword Doctor: Gerald! What's gotten into you man?
Midget: Sorry, I feel a little Sikh.
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Doctor Clinic One Liners
Which doctor clinic one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with doctor clinic? I can suggest the ones about doctor specialist and doctor visit.
- Why did the clinic go out of business? Because the doctors had no patience.
- Where do food condiments go when they need to see a doctor? The Mayo clinic
- What did the doctor say to the strange beer that walked into his clinic? What ails you?
- Mother goes to abortin clinic Doctor: *snaps*
Fetis: "I don't feels so good..." - What did the Doctor tell everyone in the waiting lounge of his clinic? Please be Patient.
Doctor Clinic Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about doctor clinic you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kids doctor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make doctor clinic pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic.
Bill happened to be crying very loudly.
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "I came for a u**... test!"
Chinese doctor opens his new clinic.
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Helping The Doctor
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon," says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in!
Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her p**... and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
An elderly woman visits a walk-in clinic...
...where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what happened. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was and demanded, What's the matter with you? That woman is 84 years old, and you told her she was pregnant?
The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without even looking up, asked, Does she still have the hiccups?
Doctor Shroedinger? This is the Animal Clinic calling;
Apparently your cat, Flüffy, is both simultaneously dead and yet alive.
We're sorry for your loss.
Our resident String Theorist will contact you.
He can explain everything.
8{>
A clinic was trialling a new, cheap way to numb a patient for surgery.
The new method involved blunt force trauma to the patient's head.
The strategy was such a success that people would line up around the block to receive the new anaesthetic.
A man asked the doctor what the line was for.
The doctor replied "that's the punchline."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bottle Number 43
A new miracle doctor comes to town, who people say could cure anything. John, the local doubting Thomas, decides to prove the doctor a fraud.
He goes to the doctor and says: "Hey, doc. I've lost my sense of taste." The doctor thinks a while, scratches his head and tells John: "What you need is bottle number 43." He brings out a bottle and tells John to taste its content. John does, and immediately spits it out."Yuck, g**...!" he yells. "I just restored your sense of taste," says the doctor. John is furious.
A month later, John goes back to the doctor. "Doc," he says, "I can't remember anything!"
The doctor starts thinking again, and John is thrilled. Aha! Got him. The doctor mumbles to John, "What you need is bottle number 43..." Even before he finishes his sentence, John had fled the clinic.
Two different doctors
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined by his regular doctor within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his regular doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
New kinds of implants.
So a girl went into a plastic surgery clinic to get a breast e**..., the doctors told her that they ran out of silicon and all they had left was wood. She didn't get it obviously that would be s**... woodentit?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Computer diagnosis
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your u**..., and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a u**... sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and u**... samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m**... into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using c**....
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop m**..., your elbow will never get better.
An old lady at the clinic.
Doctor: I'm afraid to tell you that you have Alzheimer's disease.
Old lady: What? No way! I played poker, did math problems, and everything to prevent this...
Doctor: It's OK ma'am. Just keep doing what you're doing to prevent your condition from worsening.
Old lady: Sure.
Doctor: I will also encourage you to write down things that may be memory intensive, and keep a daily journal.
Old lady: I will.
Doctor: I will see you in three week's time.
Old lady: Thank you! I guess i should accept my condition. At least it's not as bad as having Alzheimer's.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Student and Doctor!
A student was not found of a job even after two years after his graduation so he decided to open a clinic & wrote
outside the clinic:
Any treatment in Rs.300/- & if we can't treat, we will pay you back Rs.1000/-.
A CLEVER Doctor thought he will make that commerce student fool and comes to do fraud & thinking to get Rs.1000.
He says to the student:
I cant feel any taste on my tongue...
Student asks the Nurse to put few
drops of medicine from box no. 22
After that the MAN shouts: " w**......its u**.....!!
Student says congratulations your sense of taste is back now.
The CLEVER Doctor was angry as he lost Rs.300.
After 2 weeks the same doctor comes back again & this time he thinks to get back his previous 300 too.
CLEVER Doctor : I've lost my memory.
Student: Nurse! pls put some drops of medicine from Box no. 22 on his tongue.
DOCTOR : Wait but that medicine is for sense of taste.
Student: Congratulations your memory is back!
A pizza guy enters an obesity clinic and says, "I have 15 meat lover pizzas with extra cheese."
The nurse at the receptionist desk angrily asks him, "Why would you come here and mock our patients?"
The pizza guy defensively answers, "It's just what the doctor ordered!"
The vaccine conspiracy
Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:
"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"
"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"
After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:
"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"
A doctor, a philanthropist, and an engineer are playing a round of golf behind a group of blind golfers.
As they wait for the impaired golfers to painstakingly finish the next hole, the doctor says "What a motivating sight. I'm inspired to start a clinic for visually impaired people in order that they might better pursue their dreams."
The philanthropist nods in agreement and says "That's a worthy cause. I will donate a large sum of money toward this clinic of yours."
The engineer says "Couldn't these guys play at night?"
It hurts here
A guy goes to the clinic and finally gets in to see the doctor.
What's the problem today? the doctor asks.
He pushes his finger in his forehead and says It hurts here and pushes against his shoulder It hurts here, Than he pushes against his knee, It hurts here also, What can it be Doc?
Your fingers broken.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Water.....I have news for you.
The poor bottle water notice he was red, it felt nauseous, it had diarrhea, and it had a sweet taste in its mouth. He went to the clinic to see what was wrong with him. But the doctor had bad news. He said" I'm sorry water, but you have **Kool** aids."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Abortion clinics should be banned
Those doctors demonstrate a complete lack of humanity. Spawn killing is a filthy tactic.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Hindu, a Christian, A Sikh, an atheist, and a Buddhist walk into a clinic...
One of them is called to see the doctor, he goes in, and after a while leaves the clinic. After that, everyone else was angry because they had not received service from the doctor. They ask the nurse standing outside why this is so, to which she said: "I'm sorry, we only serve the sikh."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to the clinic today and nervously said, "Doc, this is a little embarrassing, but I've got a problem." Rolling his eyes, chuckling softly, he retorted, "Trust me, I'm a doctor. Nothing you can show me would be startling."
Hesitating just a bit, I stammered, "Well...I...I...I seem to have 5 p**...."
Stunned, eyes wide, he rasped, "Wait, what?! How did you get your pants on!?"
I whispered, "Actually, they fit like a glove."
A guy's waiting in the doctors clinic when the Doctor comes in and asks him what's wrong.
Doctor, for the past few weeks now everything except physical I feel like a moth.
The Doctor scoffs You must be joking! You seriously think you're a moth?
Yes the man cries I've been doing moth things, I'm having moth thoughts.. I'm pretty much doing a moths daily routine and it's starting to worry me!
The Doctor replies Well, you've come in to the wrong clinic, you should of went to the Psychiatrist across the street
When the man replies Well that's where I was going but your porch light was on!
My uncle told me this idk where he got it haha
A husband and wife are trying to have a baby
After many attempts and what seems like an endless number of trips to the doctor and fertility clinic they meet with the doctor who tells them, "I do not think you will be able to have children."
The wife is overcome with emotion and her husband consoles her saying, "Inconceivable."
The doctor replies,"I don't think that word means what you think it means."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman calls her gynecologist: "Doctor, did I by any chance, leave my p**... at your clinic?"
Doctor looks around, doesn't see them and answers "Sorry, no."
"Ok, then it must be at the dentist's!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A r**... suffered a n**... fall...
So he visited a physician and sought treatment.
Apply this ointment to the area where injury was sustained, the doctor said.
The r**... happily left the clinic and proceeded to liberally apply ointment on the sidewalk where he fell.
A doctor who was proud of his degrees...
always had them hanging in his office. His BS in Biology, PhD in Microbiology, and his MD were framed and hung behind him.
One day his clinic caught fire and he was caught inside the burning building. They were finally able to pull his unconscious body from the rubble and rushed him to the emergency room.
He came to as they got him to the emergency room, and that's when the nurse on staff told him "it appears you have suffered from first, second, and third degree burns."
Mr Andrew went to see a doctor about a pain during walking problem.
Since foot was not the doctor's specialty, the doctor recommended him to visit a podiatrist few blocks away.
At the specialist clinic, the podiatrist was optimistic. He declared confidently, "I'll have you walking in an hour!".
Later Mr Andrew return to the doctor's clinic on foot. The doctor was shocked . "How did he cure you in an hour?" the doctor asked.
"The secret lies in the consultation," said Mr Andrew.
"I had to sell my car to pay for it"
A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant
The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where the woman's doctor had informed her of the pregnancy.
What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren - and you tell her she's pregnant?
The doctor continues to write his notes and without looking up at his colleague says, tell me, does she still have the hiccups?
A Doctor was chatting at a party with a Chartered Accountant.
He asked, "How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble. Just because I am a doctor.... not fair!"
The CA friend replied coolly, "Just tell them the right things politely but send them a bill from your clinic the next morning... only once! Word will soon get around and it will stop immediately!"
"Wow! Thanks for the tip, said the doctor."
Next morning the doctor got a bill from his CA friend, "Consulting charges for Business Development."
Pedro reaches the doctor's clinic
Pedro reaches the doctor's clinic looking very despondent.
Doc: What're you here for?
Pedro: The vasectomy camp.
Dr: Oh ok. How many kids do you have?
Pedro: None. I am not even married !!
Dr (shocked): Then why do you want a vasectomy?
Pedro: Every man in the village got it done over the last few years. Now whenever their wives conceive, they come and beat me up !!!
A Saudi woman goes into a doctor's clinic
Doctor: Mrs Saud there's some good news for you.
Woman: Excuse me, it's Miss Saud not Mrs Saud.
Doctor: Pardon me. Miss Saud, there's some bad news for you.
A furious lady marches into the eye clinic's reception area and shouts at the receptionist, "Who stole my wig during my eye surgery yesterday?"
The doctor immediately rushes out to pacify her. "I assure you, no one on my team would do such a thing. What makes you think it was stolen?"
The woman replies, "Well, before the procedure, my wig was perfect, but when I woke up, it was a tangled mess, and made me look ugly and cheap."
"I think," says the surgeon gently, "this means your cataract operation was a success."