The Best 35 Doctor And Patient Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Doctor And Patient jokes. There are some doctor and patient doctors jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these doctor and patient medical procedure puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Doctor And Patient Jokes and Puns

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.

Pregnant girlfriend

Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story: There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. To scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.

Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.

I had sex for 3 hours last night...

We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news

Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.


Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay

But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."

Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's

Patient: Atleast Idont have Cancer

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They're explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

But it's just herbal! the patient protested. How can it be bad?

Dr Jenkins sighed. Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just ten minutes, you will die. Just because it's natural doesn't mean it's safe for you!

The man seemed to accept that, and after he and the doctors parted ways, Dr Smith asked, What is that plant that kills you if you sit under it?

A water lily.

A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.

A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!"

The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."

You can explore doctor and patient physician reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean doctor and patient surgeon dad jokes. There are also doctor and patient puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks

A dwarf that loves to joke goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks.

I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

A Proctology exam.

A man is sitting over the counter with his pants down at the doctors office.

The doctor comes in and sits down and starts working the gloves onto his hands.

Alright Brian, it's your first proctology exam, just sit back, relax, and try not to get an erection the doctor says.

The patient awkwardly looks back and says but my names Dan.

Doctor responds oh I know, my names Brian.

A man has a sore throat and goes to the doctor...

Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out."

Patient: "I want a second opinion!"

Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."

A patient runs into a doctor's surgery yelling out: I'm shrinking! I'm shrinking! What should I do?

The doctor replies: you are just going to have to be a little patient.

Doctor: You're obese. Patient:

***Doctor: You're obese. Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion. Doctor: You're quite ugly, too.***

I had sex for 3 hours last night. We role played as doctor and patient.....

I was in the waiting room for 2hrs 57minutes

I don't know how to tell you this

Doctor: I don't know how to tell you this but you really have to stop masturbating.

Patient: Really doctor, why?

Doctor: So I can examine you.


So a doctor has sex with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"

Doctor: "I have some bad news, and some very bad news"

Patient:"Well, might as well give me the bad news first."

Doctor:"The lab called and told me you only have 24 hours to live."

Patient:"24 hours!? That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"

Doctor:"Your phone has been off, and I've been trying to reach you since yesterday..."

[Edited to clarify punchline...I guess. xP]

A shrinking man visits his doctor yelling, "Doctor! Doctor! I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller!!!"

His Doctor replies, "Now now, I can't fix things right away, you'll just have to be a little patient."

Doctor: describe your average night

Patient: they wear suits of armor

Doctor: no, i mean at bed time

Patient: they probably take it off

Why are doctors always calm?

They have a lot of patients.
Sorry.

Patient: "Gimme the bad news first!"

Doctor: "You have AIDS."

Patient: "What's the good news?"

Doctor: "You have alzheimer's."

Patient: "Well that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS."

Doctor: I have bad news and worse news for you

Patient: What is the bad news?

Doctor: You only have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What can possibly be worse news than that?

Doctor: I should have told you this yesterday...

Doctor: I'm afraid you're suffering from Auto Correct Syndrome

Patient: I didn't even know I was I'll

Patients in an insane asylum are eating plaster off the walls,

the head doctor calls in the best doctor in the country to try and solve this problem. So the best doctor comes in and inspects the walls. He tells the head doctor to repaint the walls from red to green. The next day after the walls are repainted the head doctor comes in and sees the patients sitting and staring at the walls. "Why aren't you eating the walls now?" the head doctor asks them. "They arn't ripe yet"

A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.

Doctor: How did this happen?

Patient: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

So doctor, do I have rabies?

Doc: Short answer. Yes.

Patient: What's the long answer?

Doc: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss.

A neurologist was diagnosing a patient who lost his ability to do basic math

"What's 9 plus 9?
12 .
What's 8 and 8?
10 .
The doctor shook his head. Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?
The man thought for a second, and answered 1E .
Aha, I've figured it out! The doctor said. Somebody's clearly put a hex on you.

I think I'm shrinking!

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.

After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.

Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.

Okay, the good news is the patient in the next bed has offered you a very generous amount for your slippers...

Good news and bad news.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Patient: Ok, well... Give me the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24-Hours to live.
Patient: How is that good news?!? What's the bad news then??
Doctor: I've been trying to call you since yesterday.

A patient walks into an optometrist's office.

The optometrist starts the eye exam and casually asks her if there's any particular reason she came in for a checkup.

"Doctor, I think am having hallucinations. Every time I open my eyes, I see really dark things. Evil. Malice. Hatred. Plague. I am seeing the worst in everything. Nothing looks like it used to. It's as if everything I see is shrouded in darkness."

The optometrist sits back from the patient, confused.

"That's interesting," he said, "because from what I can tell, you see 20/20."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the doctor and patient flatlined jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working doctor and patient remove appendix piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes