Doctor And Nurse Jokes
116 doctor and nurse jokes and hilarious doctor and nurse puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about doctor and nurse that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Doctor And Nurse Short Jokes
Short doctor and nurse jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The doctor and nurse humour may include short doctors nurses jokes also.
- After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. Who was that?
- Doctor: I think the patient is dying. What's his blood type? Nurse: B positive.
Doctor: Okay. I think the patient is going to make it. - It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system. You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.
- After my prostate exam the doctor walked out and the nurse walked in. Then she asked me something no man wants to hear.. Who was that..
- How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes two doctors and a nurse to get it out.
- Me: You've gotta let me see a doctor, I'm shrinking! Nurse: Well, the doctor's busy, so you'll just have to be a little patient.
- Nurse pops her head into the doctor's office..... Nurse: 'Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room.'
Doctor: 'Tell him I can't see him.' - I can tell we still live in a sexist society because... Doctors still make more money than nurses.
- An invisible man was in the waiting room. "Your patient is here, doctor," the nurse said.
The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him right now." - I woke up in the middle of an operation once. The nurse said Don't worry, you just drifted off for a minute doctor.
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Doctor And Nurse One Liners
Which doctor and nurse one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with doctor and nurse? I can suggest the ones about doctor nurse and nurses and doctors.
- I will never vaccinate my child. I'd rather a doctor or nurse do it.
- Why did the doctor despise his nurse? She was always testing his patients.
- I'm never going to vaccinate my children... ...I'll leave that to the doctors and nurses!
- What'd the doctor say to the nurse about skin patients? Don't make any rash decisions.
- A doctor, a nurse, and a scientist walk into a bar Just kidding, they know better.
- So I went to the doctor for low blood count today... The nurse told me I was a crip.
- Nurse: My phone just died. Doctor: Let's call it.
- A doctor says to a nurse, "Hey, wanna swab spit?"
- What did the teenage doctor say in an emergency? I need a registered nurse, RN!!!
Amusing Doctor And Nurse Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about doctor and nurse you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean doctor and patient jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make doctor and nurse pranks.
Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."
Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."
Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."
Me: I have a 1:30 appointment with my doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just a regular doctor.
Nurse walks into the doctors office and says: Doctor, there's a man here who says he's invisible.
Oh that's my pal Steve from the optics lab at DARPA. They're developing electromagnetic metamaterials to use in a cloaking device.
Tell him I can't see him now.
A simple operation
A patient is caught running down the hospital halls before his operation by an employee.
"What's the matter?" the employee asked.
The man said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's going to be a very simple operation, don't worry, it will be fine.'"
"Well what's the matter? She was just trying to comfort you." the employee said.
The man replied, "She wasn't talking to me, she was talking to the doctor."
Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed razor
blade?
She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.
Curing a nuns hiccups
A nurse is going to work, walking through the hospitals parking lot, when a nun runs past her, screaming and crying. The nurse approaches the doctor standing in the doorway and asks, "What's wrong with that nun?" "Oh," the doctors says, "I told her she was pregnant." "Oh, so she's pregnant?" "No, but it share cured her hiccups."
I had my prostate examined the other day. After it was all over, the doctor left at the same time the nurse came in, and whispered the three words no one wants to hear.
Who was that?
My friend told me this gem the other day
A man walks into a doctor's office with his 8 year-old daughter. Looking at the nurse he asks "Excuse me, miss? I need to see someone about getting my daughter on birth control."
The nurse replies, "My god! Your daughter is s**... active?"
"Nah, she just lays there like her Mom."
A pizza guy enters an obesity clinic and says, "I have 15 meat lover pizzas with extra cheese."
The nurse at the receptionist desk angrily asks him, "Why would you come here and mock our patients?"
The pizza guy defensively answers, "It's just what the doctor ordered!"
In a hospital
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
A man walks into an eye doctor and asks to see the doctor...
The nurse replies, "Not with that eye!"
My 9 year old son just told me this one
Q: What do you call 5 doctors and nurses on a ship?
A: A decade
Ba dum tish.
The VA Doctors don't appreciate the nurses there. (Overheard this great joke while visiting Grandpa)
What is the difference between a VA nurse and a bullet?
* A bullet can draw blood
* A bullet can be fired
* A bullet can only kill one person
Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well.
Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.
An old man and woman meet at a nursing home and decide to get married...
The nursing home doctor suggests they each get a physical before tying the knot.
The doctor examines the woman first. When the man comes in, the doctor tells him, "before we begin, I should tell you that your fiancee has acute angina."
"I know, doc. I've seen it several times already. That's why I'm marrying her!"
A nurse notices that a doctor is walking around with a r**... thermometer behind his ear. Embarrassed, she pulls him aside to discreetly inform him...
"Doctor," says the nurse, "you've got a r**... thermometer behind your ear."
The doctor pulls the thermometer from behind his ear and looks at it incredulously. "Nurse, do you know what this means? Some a**...'s got my pencil!"
A nurse is making her rounds through the halls of a hospital with a r**... thermometer tucked behind her ear...
As she goes to each room she gets plenty of strange looks from each of the patients, but none of them say anything. She finally walks past a doctor in the hall who stops her and asks "what's that you've got behind your ear?" she pulls it out and looks at in surprise, then exclaims "d**...! Some a**...'s got my pencil!"
"Sorry, that name is already taken"
A lady tells to the nurse at the maternity hospital:
- I think I will call my little newborn Anna.
Doctor:
- Sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her Anna532 or Anna_153.
Always Pay Attention!
After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left.
Then the Nurse came in.
As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear:
"Who was that?
What's the hardest part about working as a nurse or doctor at a women's hospital?
When you ask the patients "what's the problem?" They'll say "nothing"
You know you're in for a rough Prostate Exam...
...when you get into "position" and, right after the doctor snaps his gloves on, the nurse leans forward and gives you the "safe word"
Why can't an IT guy be a doctor?
Nurse: Doctor, the patient's life support is acting strange.
.
.
Doctor: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
A new hospital opens for the first time, and the doctor is getting antsy...
"What are we waiting for?" the doctor asks.
"Patients, Doctor," replied the nurse. "Patients."
A midget went to visit the doctors
There was a long wait and the nurse said "you're going to have to be a little patient"
Prostate Exam
After my recent Prostate Exam - one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had –
the Doctor left the room and the nurse came in.
After she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....
She said...."Who was that guy?"
Invisible Man
A nurse says, "Doctor, the invisible man is here for his three o'clock."
The doctor says, "Well, tell him I can't see him."
Can I talk to my son?
A father was nervously waiting for the risky surgery of his son to end. When he saw the doctor come out of the operating room he asked him: Doctor, could I talk to my son? So the doctor reassuringly responds: Of course. Nurse! Bring this man a ouija board!
j**... was in hospital
He was recovering from his surgery. A nurse asks him how he is.
I'm OK, but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used during the surgery, he answered.
What did he say? asked the nurse.
OOPS!
A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...
A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."
Southern man getting a Vasectomy, no not the cherry bomb joke.
A man from the southern US goes to the doctor to get a vasectomy. He wears his finest 3 piece suit with his best shoes. When the nurse is getting him ready she asks him why he's dressed so fancy. The man replies, "Well heck, if I'ma be impotent, I'ma look impo'tant too."
A nurse runs up to a doctor
"Doctor, Doctor!" she exclaims. "This patient's blood sugar is crashing!"
"This calls for a cool refreshing beverage!" says the doctor.
The nurse says, "Dr. Pepper! not now."
A doctor is looking for the next patient
Doctor: Where is the next patient?
Blonde Nurse: I told him to go home.
Doctor: Why did you do that?
Blonde Nurse: He told me he is not feeling well.
So today I was having a prostate exam
As my doctor finished up he said, "Alright, looks good." He then left the room as the nurse walked in. The nurse then asked me, "Who was that?"
Nurse: "Doctor, there's a man that said that he thinks he turned invisible!"
Doctor: "Well I'm swamped right now, so tell him, unfortunately, I can't see him"
Nurse: Doctor, we have a patient that says is invisible.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him today.
Nurse walks in and says, "Doc, what are you doing?"
Doctor says, "I'm writing a prescription."
Nurse says, "But you're holding your thermometer."
He says, "Jesus Christ, some a**...'s got my pen!"
A patient collapses minutes after visiting the doctor
Nurse: 'Doctor, Doctor! The man you've just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?'
Doctor: 'Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!'
It was difficult to turn off my wife's life support today
You try fighting off 2 nurses, 1 doctor, and my 3 kids!
So I was in the emergency room
and while I was waiting for the doctor to come back I overheard a couple nurses at the nurses' station discussing another ER patient's case.
Apparently this dude had come in complaining of r**... pain. They took an X-Ray and found at least 8 toy horses in his colon. It sounded serious, but they described his condition as stable.
I was in the hospital bed when a nurse came up to me and said, "Would you like me to inform anyone that you're here?"
I said, "Yes. The doctor."
Patient to visit Doctor
A doctors nurse's assistance says to him "You have a patient who believes he is invisible." The doctor turns to her and tells her "Tell him I can't see him today."
Nurse calls a doctor
•Doctor, doctor, come quick, hypochondriac from the room 110 has died.
-g**..., he really crossed the line this time!
A Hindu, a Christian, A Sikh, an atheist, and a Buddhist walk into a clinic...
One of them is called to see the doctor, he goes in, and after a while leaves the clinic. After that, everyone else was angry because they had not received service from the doctor. They ask the nurse standing outside why this is so, to which she said: "I'm sorry, we only serve the sikh."
A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor's office.
Here , said the nurse, handing her a u**... specimen container. The bathroom is over there on your right.
The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn't need this after all!
"You look exhausted."
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.'
He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.'
So he asks the man behind the cash register, how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?
The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?
Please stop hating on Trump, he saved my friend's life!
Earlier last year my friend had been in a coma for years. The doctors tried everything and told us to pray for a miracle.
And then one day his nurse came and switched the TV to Trump's campaign, he woke up and turned it off.
Why did the doctor to tell the nurse to stop looking for the missing supplies?
It was a lost gauze
After the doctor left the room from my prostate exam, the nurse came in with three words I didn't want to hear.
"Who was that?"
s**... Rule.!
A new patient was quite upset when the doctor's nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested. "Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the blond nurse. "That's a s**... rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe." "That's nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phones!"
An Asian nurse goes in to see Mr Jones
A few minutes later she comes out angry, refusing to see such a racist patient. The doctor goes in and asks Mr. Jones what he said to upset the nurse.
"I have no idea doc. She asked me if anything was bothering me, and I said yeah, urination"
A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood.
When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"
The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"
A man runs into a doctor's office screaming
"help help I'm invisible." The nurse says, "sir wait right here, I'll get the doctor." The nurse goes back to the doctor and says, "there's a man in the waiting room saying he's invisible." The doctor says, "tell him I can't see him."
A man is recovering from surgery.
A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him.
How are you feeling? she asks.
I'm okay, he says, but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery.
What did he say? the nurse asks.
Oops.
Guy survives a terrible car accident and goes to the hospital
When he finally wakes up the doctor says:
- I got some good and bad news for you sir.
- Oh please doctor, tell me the bad news first!
- Because of the accident we had to cut off both of your legs.
- Oh my god! Is there any good news?
- Yes, the nurse wants to buy your shoes.
A doctor, a nurse, and a mom walk into a bar
The doctor sits first and orders a shot of Jack Daniels
The nurse sits second and orders a shot of Jose Cuervo
The mom sits last and says I'm sorry, I don't do shots. then falls to the floor dead from measles.
Prostate and apologies if its a repost
A man went though his Prostate exam with stoicism and thought good, thats done with, as the doctor walked out. Then the nurse walked in and muttered those three words no man wants to hear.
"Who was that?"
A doctor sees a brains for sale sign in front of a shop.
He goes in and sees a doctor's brain is $8 a pound, paramedic brain is $12 a pound, nurses brain is $30 a pound, truck driver is $40, and a lawyer brain is $90 a pound. He asks the person behind the cash register, Why is a doctor brain worth $8 a pound but a lawyer brain is worth $90? The cashier responds, Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound?
My wife and I, we wanted to spice up out s**... life so we did a bit of role playing. She dressed as a nurse and I dressed as a doctor.
And that coma girl was already dressed as a patient, so she obviously was into it from the very beginning, your honor.
Doctor Visit
After my Prostate Exam, the doctor left. When the nurse came in as she shut the door, she whispered three words no man wants to hear:
Who was that?"
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a b**... Mary!"
The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a r**... and coke!"
The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me."
She then collapses and dies from polio.
A blonde woman showed up to her doctor's office looking disheveled and with bags under her eyes
The doctor told her that she looked exhausted.
The blonde woman replied, I am. Ever since your nurse told me yesterday that I had to come in for a Blood test I have been studying non-stop
What's the difference between an o**... and a r**... thermometer?
The taste.
(My dad loves this joke. He loves jokes that are slightly dirty and involve doctors, nurses, nuns or priests. Anyone got any more?)
Bonus joke:
A doctor is doing his rounds at the hospital, going from patient to patient. He turns to a nurse and asks, "Sister, have you got a pen?"
The nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a thermometer. "Oh no," she says, "some a**...'s got my pen."
The invisible man
Nurse: "Hey doctor, there's a guy out there who thinks he's invisible."
Doctor: "Tell him to wait, I can't see him right now."
On the badge you......
My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion. The doctor asked him a series of questions: Do you know where you are? I'm at Rex Hospital. What city are you in? Raleigh. Do you know who I am? Dr. Hamilton. My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, I hope he doesn't ask me any more questions. Why? she asked. Because all of those answers were on his badge.
The Mandalorian visited the Dr
The Mandalorian visited the Dr and they got into an argument because Mando wouldn't take his armor off when he got on the scale. He pointed to the scale and said, "this is the weight." The know it all doctor pointed to the armor and said, "no this is the weight." The nurse was called to show Mando the way to the room so he could cool off. Mando asked how long it would take, she said they were behind today and if could be a while, and before he got angry again she looked him dead in the mask, and pointedly said, "this is the wait! I have spoken."
A man is being examined by his doctor.
He hears a voice down the hall, yelling.
"Polio! Diphtheria! Measles! Chicken pox!"
Alarmed, he asks his doctor what's going on.
"Don't worry," the doctor says. "That's just our head nurse. She likes to call the shots around here."
My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.
**The doctor asked him a series of questions: Do you know where you are? I'm at Rex Hospital. What city are you in? Raleigh. Do you know who I am? Dr. Hamilton. My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, I hope he doesn't ask me any more questions. Why? she asked. Because all of those answers were on his badge. **
I was working in the ER today
This 80 year old woman gets brought in with a gun shot wound and she keeps screaming "you told me to do this! You did this to me!" So I found a nurse and asked her what happened. The nurse said the patient wanted to kill herself so she grabbed a gun and went to shoot herself in her heart, but she didn't know where her heart was. So the patient called her doctor and asked "where's my heart?" The doctor told her "it's about 2 inches below your n**...". So the patient hung up and then shot herself in the kneecap.
A patient overhears the doctor yelling, "Measles, mumps, rubella, polio, Covid..."
He asks the nurse what's going on. The nurse replies, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."