The Best 56 Doctor And Child Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Doctor And Child jokes. There are some doctor and child childbirth jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these doctor and child child knock knock puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Doctor And Child Jokes and Puns
A man called his child's doctor, "Hello! My son just snatched my pen when I was writing and swallowed it. What should I do?" The doctor replied, "Until I can come over, write with another pen."
A man called his child's doctor, "Hello! My son just snatched my pen when I was writing and swallowed it. What should I do?" The doctor replied, "Until I can come over, write with another pen."
A man called his child's doctor, "Hello! My son just snatched my pen when I was writing and swallowed it. What should I do?" The doctor replied, "Until I can come over, write with another pen."
Two children are in a doctor’s waiting room, and one of them is crying.
"Why are you crying?" asked the other child.
"I’m here for a blood test, and they’re going to cut my finger."
When he heard this, the other child started to cry.
"Why are you crying?"
"I’m here for a urine test."
After a long labour, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, "
Ma'am, I've got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?"
After quickly thinking it over, she responds, "I'll have the bad news first doctor".
The doctor replies, "We'll, I'm not sure how to put this, and I'm sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair".
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother face. "Doctor, if that's the bad news, what's the good news".
The doctor replies, "He's dead".
A woman goes into labor with her child.
The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
A pregant woman of 6 months falls into a coma
.... 3 months later she awkaes and finds out she already had her child. She asks the doctor " How Is my child?" The doctor replies " You had two children, a girl and a boy. Your brother took the ability to name them." "OH NO MY BROTHER IS AN IDIOT!, WHAT DID HE NAME THE GIRL?" "Denis" "oh , well that's not a bad name.. how about the boy?" "denephew"
Woman in labor
A man is sitting with his wife in the hospital while she is in labor with his first child. While in labor, he hears her screaming, "Don't! Won't! Couldn't! Can't! Didn't!" The man then asks the doctor, "Why is she screaming those words?".
The doctor then replied, "She's having her contractions".
A child was born without a body...
The doctor said there was nothing they could do, but the parents cared for their child anyways.
Several years later, the parents were approached by the same doctor, saying, "I've got some good news. We now have the capability to give your child a body, would you like that?" Of course the parents were overjoyed and immediately agreed.
Another few years went by, and the parents enjoyed being able to hold their child at least, but they wanted their child to have the best life possible, so of course they accepted when the doctor offered to give their child arms.
They loved being able to play with their baby, but were sad that they couldn't teach him to walk. They prayed for the day that the doctor would come just one last time, and it finally came. The doctor asked if they would like to try a new procedure to give their child legs, and they joyfully accepted.
They enjoyed all their time running and playing with their newly whole child, until one day the child was playing in the yard and ran right in front of a cement truck and died.
I guess you could say that the moral of this story is, "stop while you're a head".
Joke directed insult
A woman walks into the doctors office. She says she wants a child, but doesnt want to have sex. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of child she wants. The woman said she wanted a smart and handsome kid. The doctor then hands her a blue pill.
A few months later, the woman comes back and says she has had a miscarriage but still wants a child. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she wants. The woman said she will have a regular kid this time. The doctor then hands her a red pill.
Even more months later, the woman returns and says shes had a miscarriage but still wants a kid. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she will want. She says since the other ones did not work out she will have a ugly, stupid kid. The doctor says ok and hands her a pill.
*At this point the joke teller asks the victim what color they think the pill is.
*The response will most likely be "I don't know, what?"
*The joke teller then says "I don't know, try asking your mother."
Immaturity at its best.
You can explore doctor and child phd reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean doctor and child doc dad jokes. There are also doctor and child puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A Pregnant women gets in a car wreck....
...and fell into a coma. When she awoke a few days later, she noticed that she wasn't carrying a child, and asked the doctor, "Doctor, what happened to my baby!?"
The doctor replies, "It's all okay. You gave birth to beautiful twins, a boy and a girl. But we needed someone to name them, so your brother came in and gave them their names."
The woman is surprised. "No, not my brother! He's not the smartest guy in the world."
"Well ma'am, he named your daughter Denise," the doctor said.
"Oh, that's not too bad. What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
A doctor goes to confession...
"Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."
The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty."
The priest consoles him saying, "You must learn to forgive yourself."
The man replies, "But how can I? How can I return from this sin?"
The priest says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be last."
The man nods in consent while the priest absolves him. As they exit the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, "I hate to ask, but seeing as you're a doctor, do you think that you could take a look at my throat, it's been sore for days."
The man replies, "I'd love to father, but I'm not that type of doctor. I'm a veterinarian."
A child was born with no eyelids, so doctors created some using his foreskin
It worked okay, but he was a little cockeyed
(AP) New York - A baby delivered without eyelids had surgery today at Mount Sinai Hospital in Manhattan, NY. Doctors successfully removed the child's foreskin and were able to use the tissue to successfully form eyelids. Doctors said the child will be fine.
Just a little cockeyed.
James calls a doc for help...
Doctor my wife is pregnant. She is having pain right now.
Doctor: Is this her first child?
James: Nope. It's her husband!
A doctor is giving a child a shot...
"You're being so brave right now!" the doctor tells the child.
A random person busts in the door and exclaims, "BUT NOT AS BRAVE AS THESE SOLDIERS!"
A woman gives birth to twins and then goes into a coma
When she wakes up, she realises that she is yet to name her child.
Doctor: Oh, don't worry about that miss. Your brother was here while you were unconscious. He named your children.
Mother: What!? My brother is a complete idiot! Oh God, what did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise
Mother: Oh, I guess that's not too bad. What a relief. And what did he name my son?
Doctor: ....Denephew
While seen my x-ray, my doctor said....
You know, when I was a child my dad use to tell me "A picture is worth a thousand words"
But this one just say "You're screwed"
What did the doctor tell the panda bear after the results of his child's paternity test came back?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the results are a bit grizzly.
A child has a crippling fear of the word 'this'. He goes to the doctor with his mother to discuss his problem.
The Doctor asks "What's the problem?"
And the mother replies "There's no easy way to say this."
When my wife was giving birth to our child, I asked the doctor...
- When can we have sex?
He winked at me and replied
- My shift ends in 10 minutes, let's meet outside.
I will never vaccinate my child.
I'd rather a doctor or nurse do it.
A husband and wife are getting their first baby scan
After a few minutes of silent scanning, the couple ask the doctor if anything is wrong.
The doctor replies: On a positive note, your child will never struggle to find a parking space.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed...
One fell off and bumped his head, his momma called the doctor, and the doctor said, "I'm calling Child Protective Services."
Doctor: So your child was born without eyelids.
Mother: Well isn't there anything you can do?
Doctor: Yes, when we circumcise him we can take that excess skin and make him eye lids.
Mother: Will he be okay?
Doctor: Yeah, he will be fine, just be a little cock-eyed.
guy: Doctor help me, my wifi is in labor
doc: Don't panic, is this her first child ?
guy: No, this is her husband you moron!
A mom takes her son to the doctor one day.
The mom says, "my child's knee hurts." The doctor says, "okay you should take him to the nephrologist then."
The mom looks confused and is about to ask why, when the doctor says, "... it's a kid-nee problem."
What did the pregnant lady say to the annoying doctor who couldn't seem to deliver her child?
Cut it out!
My wife recently gave birth to our first child. After birth I asked the doctor when could we have sex.
He said that his shift ends in 30 minutes.
Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up
Dad: That's a very low goal. Have some ambition
Child: How about being a doctor?
Dad: That's right!
Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....
Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?
I called the hospital and pleaded, "Doctor! She's going into labor and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do!?" "Is this her first child?" he asked.
"No, this is her husband!"
An chinese dad sees his newborn child and is startled when he realises the kid is clearly white.
He runs to the doctor and asks:
"Doctor, is it even medically possible for me and my wife - both chinese - to have a caucasian-looking baby?"
The doctor, turns to him, thinks for a bit, and replies:
"No. Two Wongs don't make a white."
A doctor is performing a very dangerous operation on a child.
Doctor: The chances of you surviving this are only 50%
Child: Lets do it 2 times then!
*high fives the doctor*
A man speaks frantically on phone with a doctor...
"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
When Louis Armstrong was a child, he was colorblind, a doctor asked him if he wanted to do this experimental surgery to allow him to see colors. After the procedure, they ask him what does he see, he tells them...
I see trees of green, and red roses too.
I like to say I'm a child at heart...
but my doctor adamantly disagrees.
3 little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell down and bumped its head. Mama called the doctor and the doctor said no more monkeys jumping on the bed.
2 little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell down and bumped its head. Mama called the doctor and the doctor said no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
1 little monkey jumping on the bed. It fell down and bumped its head. Mama called the doctor and the doctor called child protective services.
A father is waiting for his newborn child outside a hospital
A doctor comes out holding the child by the leg, and walks over to the man. The father asks: "Is it a girl or a boy?". But the doctor smashes the baby on the concrete wall, and the father faints. The father wakes up on a hospital bed in a room, and the doctor is staring at him with a grin. The doctor says: "Alright alright i was joking, the baby was dead before it was even born".
I would never vaccinate my kids.
It would be dangerous and make my child autistic, I would just let my doctor do it.
I called the doctor and said, Hurry! My wife's going into labour! What must I do?
The doctor said, is this her first child?
I said, no, this is her husband!
A man with a broken arm comes in doctors office
Doctor: "Okay, so tell me how did you break it?"
Man: "Well, I was trying to avoid a child.."
Doctor: "Ah, yes, and you crashed your car."
Man: "Um, I fell off of bed."
Anti vax mom goes to the doctor
An anti Vax mom takes her newborn son to the doctor. The doctor says, "you should really consider getting him vaccinated, if you love your child."
The mother is furious. She says, "do you even know what they put in those needles!"
To which the doctor replies, "Vaccines?"
Doctor: Happy boy is born to your house.
Motu: Hey, this is amazing technology. The wife is in my hospital and the child is born at home.
A woman had a child early this day
The doctor came to her one hour after her
The doc said everything is fine the child is breathing properly
The mother gasped and said "is that a JoJo reference"
A woman goes into labor with her child
The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father.
He asks if it is ok to use the new device.
The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%.
The man feels nothing.
They then bump it up to 20%.
He still feels nothing.
They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%.
The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
A Husband calls his doctor and say: My wife is going into labor what should I do?
Doctor: Is this her first child?
Husband: No, this is her husband.
"Well, here is your problem," the doctor says to the first-time father. "It seems that this child needs a diaper change."
The new father replies, "That can't be! The package said it was good for 8-10 pounds."
I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labour and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do?"
Is this her first child?" he asked.
"No, this is her husband."
A concerned parent calls their child's pediatrician and says, Recently my child has started eating power cords. What should I do?
Without missing a beat the doctor responds, depending on the current situation at home you need to ground him until he can conduct himself appropriately!
Being Asian at the Olympics
Child: Wins Bronze
Parent: Could have won silver
Child: Wins Silver
Parent: Could have won gold
Child: Wins Gold
Parent: Could have broken the World Record (WR)
Child: Broke WR
Parent: Could have been a Doctor
An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.
The doctor paused and said, There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.
But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.
When he encountered a bear, he still didn't realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the bear.
The bear lay dead with a bullet in his heart!
The old man said, That's stupid! The bullet must have been shot by another person.
That's exactly right, said the doctor.
Wife in labor
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
So, I asked, "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
And the Doctor replied, "Nothing. She's just having contractions."
Russian, Ukrainian and Ethiopian babies got mixed up at birth.
The doctors invited their fathers so they could try to figure out which baby belongs to whom. Ukrainian father without any hesitation just takes an Ethiopian child and is about to leave the room.
"You idiot! Can't you see, this is obviously not your child!" - shouts Russian father
"Who cares, at least it's most certainly not a Moskal'"
A father comes into the hospital with his child.
Well, here is your problem, said the doctor, it looks like he needs a diaper change,
That can't be! the father replies the package said it was good for 8-10 pounds,
A man speaks frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"
The doctor asks, "Is this her first child?"
The man replies, "No! Idiot! I'm her husband!"
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the doctor and child child appropriate jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working doctor and child child friendly piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.