The Best 91 Doct Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Doct jokes. There are some doct workup jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these doct symptom puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Doct Jokes and Puns

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know

The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.

Doct joke, The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.

So a doctor has sex with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"

My doctor said diarrhea is hereditary.

I guess it runs in your genes


Doctor: I have the results of your test. You're gonna have to stop masturbating.

Me: Oh no! Why doctor?"

Doctor: Because I'm trying to talk to you, and it's very distracting.

My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!!

Upvote for visibility.

Doct joke, My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!!

My doctor wrote me a prescription for "dailysex"...

But the wife had to break it to me that it was actually for "dyslexia".

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of...

...a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, very serious," said the doctor gravely. "There are three doctors there already."

My doctor said I need to cut back my sodium intake...

...but I tend to take everything he says with a grain of salt.

A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.

You can explore doct abd reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean doct zodiac dad jokes. There are also doct puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty."

I asked " no bacon? No burgers?!"

To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "

My Doctor reckons I'm paranoid.

He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.

A doctor and a lawyer

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda

that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

Doctor: You're obese. Patient:

***Doctor: You're obese. Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion. Doctor: You're quite ugly, too.***

Doct joke, Doctor: You're obese. Patient:

I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

According to my doctor it would be best for my health to stay away from trans fats

I'm really gonna miss Tumblr.

My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.

I asked him why and he replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."


My doctor advised me to stay away from trans fats.

I guess I should really get off Tumblr

I went to the doctors with hearing problems...

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"

My doctor told me I am colorblind.

I had no idea! It came right out of the green

I've got my doctorate in palindromes.

I'm now addressed as Dr.Awkward

Doctors have confirmed that masturbation is life threatening

Many men have died after having a stroke

I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him.

Judge gave me 30 years.

So I mean who's the real winner here?

Doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex

But the wife insists it says its for Dyslexia

Why are doctors always calm?

They have a lot of patients.
Sorry.

The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...

I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

Doctor: "I have some bad news, and some very bad news"

Patient:"Well, might as well give me the bad news first."

Doctor:"The lab called and told me you only have 24 hours to live."

Patient:"24 hours!? That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"

Doctor:"Your phone has been off, and I've been trying to reach you since yesterday..."

[Edited to clarify punchline...I guess. xP]

My doctor told me to start killing people.

Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.

- Doctor, I want to live very old

- Do you drink?
- Never, only water.
- You smoke?
- Oh no, my body is a temple
- Do you have crazy nights out dancing while doing cocaine and coming back home to have unprotected sex with multiple partners?
- Never, I'm single and abstinent.
- I see. So could you explain me exactly why you want to live old?

Doctor doctor, I think I have a problem with my testicles

Is one of them meant to be bigger than the others.

I went to the doctor the other day

He said that I needed to stop masturbating.

I asked "Why? I'm a normal 22 year old man, it shouldn't be an issue".

He said "Yeah but I'm trying to examine you".

Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news

Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.

My doctor said I only have 2 months to live...

So I shot him.

The judge gave me 30years.

Why do doctors recommend apple juice?

Cause OJ will kill you.

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's

Patient: Atleast Idont have Cancer

I don't know how to tell you this

Doctor: I don't know how to tell you this but you really have to stop masturbating.

Patient: Really doctor, why?

Doctor: So I can examine you.

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can't tell you how upset I am.

The doctor asked me how I'd feel about having an extra chromosome.

I told him I'd be 100% down with that.

The doctor gave me 5 month to live.

So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.

And the judge gave me 25 years.

Problem solved.

My doctor just asked me if I knew my sperm count

"Didn't realise they were that clever"

A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."

My doctor asked if I wanted an extra chromosome.

I told him I'd be down with that.

My doctor said I have 2 weeks to live...

So I shot him. Problem solved, the judge gave me 20 years.

My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats...

But it's 2017 and I'll date who I want

Doctor: So your child was born without eyelids.

Mother: Well isn't there anything you can do?

Doctor: Yes, when we circumcise him we can take that excess skin and make him eye lids.

Mother: Will he be okay?

Doctor: Yeah, he will be fine, just be a little cock-eyed.

A doctor hands a new father his newborn baby and says, "I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it..."

The father says, "then hand me the one that my wife made!"

My doctor told me I should avoid trans fats

So I've just deleted my Tumblr.

Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty.

Me: Can I eat sugar instead?

Doctor: No fatty, don't eat anything.

Doctor: I'm sorry John, but you suffer from Auto Correct Syndrome

John: I didn't even know I was I'll

My doctor said I need to stop masturbating. When I asked why, he said ..

Cause I'm trying to give you a physical

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?

Man: Can't say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That's the main one.

Doctor: Sir, i'm afraid your DNA is backwards

Me: And ?

Doctor [looking at my x-rays] : this is exactly what I was afraid of.

Me: What?

Doctor: Skeletons

My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats.

Guess I can't go on tumblr anymore.

Doctor: "I'm just waiting for your X-Ray."

Blonde: "I've never dated anyone by that name."

Doctor : Does it hurt?

Mother : Yes, a lot.

Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?

A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."

"The bad news is it's brain cancer."

I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight

Sigh...

Doctor: *handing me my new born baby* I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it.

Meβ€Œβ€Œ: *\*handinβ€Œβ€Œg babβ€Œβ€Œy bacβ€Œβ€Œk tβ€Œβ€Œo himβ€Œβ€Œ\** brinβ€Œβ€Œg mβ€Œβ€Œe thβ€Œβ€Œe onβ€Œβ€Œe mβ€Œβ€Œy wifβ€Œβ€Œe made.

A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future.

The doctor asks him - How long have you suffered from that condition?
The guy tells him - Since next Monday.

As a doctor, I know I should never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.

But let me give it a shot.

A doctor flirted with me today, she said I was really sweet!

I think she meant I was really sweet, she worded it differently and said you're severely diabetic but I know what she meant. She said I'm type 2 and I told her she's my type too

Doctor: describe your average night

Patient: they wear suits of armor

Doctor: no, i mean at bed time

Patient: they probably take it off

Doctor: Your body has ran out of magnesium.

Me: 0mg

Doctor, doctor

A man goes into the doctors and says "doctor doctor I think I'm going deaf" and the doctor says "can you describe the symptoms" and he says "yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair"

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They're explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

But it's just herbal! the patient protested. How can it be bad?

Dr Jenkins sighed. Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just ten minutes, you will die. Just because it's natural doesn't mean it's safe for you!

The man seemed to accept that, and after he and the doctors parted ways, Dr Smith asked, What is that plant that kills you if you sit under it?

A water lily.

Doctor: Sir, I have some bad news, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards

Me: and?

What is a doctor who specializes in Adam's apples called.

A guyneckologist.

Doctor: sorry sir but your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

So I went to the doctor yesterday...

And told him that my bottom hurts.

Doctor: Where does it exactly hurt?

Me: Right around the entrance, it's really sore

Doctor: My advice is that for as long as you call it the entrance, it'll hurt.

My doctor told me I am begining to lose my hearing.

It was very hard to hear that.

Doctor: I have bad news and worse news for you

Patient: What is the bad news?

Doctor: You only have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What can possibly be worse news than that?

Doctor: I should have told you this yesterday...

Doctor, doctor . . . All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

**Doctor:** " Sounds like a really bad case of *parking sons disease* "

A Doctor, a Lawyer, and a Meteorologist are at a bar.

At some point later that night they reached a 2nd bar. The meteorologist turned and looked at the doctor and lawyer saying; this is too much pressure for me right now.

Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea.

That means one person enjoys it

Doctor, please help, my friend broke his leg.

Sorry, but I'm a vet, I specialize in horses.

Come on, please, it can't be that big of a difference?

Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.

The doctor handed me a baby...

The doctor said: "This is your son. I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

I handed him the baby back. "Well, give me the one she made, then!"

My doctor told me I had a very rare disease. "What's it called," I asked?

He replied, "What do you want it to be called?"

The doctor told me I had only six months to live, so I shot him dead. The judge gave me fifteen years.

Problem solved.

I went to the doctor because every time I open my eyes, I barf everywhere.

He looked me over and said it was the WORST case of SEE SICKNESS he'd ever encountered




^(made that up just now... I'm so sorry everyone)

There is this doctor…

The doctor, recently had a patient with 76 toy horses up his ass.

The doctor said his condition was stable.

My doctor told me I had to add more apples, pears, and berries to my diet

It was a fruitful checkup.

Why was the doctor Sued for malpractice?

He lost his patience.

Went to see my doctor today, he said I'm going deaf,

That's hard to hear.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience.

The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake.

My doctor told me not to make sandwiches myself any more ...

... so I hired a sub contractor.

I went to the doctor because I'm being constantly followed by nearly 20 crows.

She says I have Corvid 19.

The doctors took me away to the surgery room, where they'd be transforming me into a midget.

"I will be thinking of you," cried my wife down the hallway.

I turned around and said, "Don't worry - I'll be with you shortly."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the doct malignant jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working doct oncologist piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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