JokoJokes

Doc Jokes

112 doc jokes and hilarious doc puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about doc that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Doc Short Jokes

Short doc jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The doc humour may include short med jokes also.

  1. Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous." Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"
    surgeon: "I know, I am"
  2. A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!" The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."
  3. A woman in labor suddenly shouted........ A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
    "Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
  4. My doctor he dont help either, he told me to run 5 Miles a Day for two weeks I called him up I said "Doc im 70 miles from my house"
    -Rodney Dangerfield
  5. A guy goes to the doctor. A guy goes to the doctor.
    "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
    "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
    "Is it common?"
    "It's not unusual."
  6. So doctor, do I have rabies? Doc: Short answer. Yes.
    Patient: What's the long answer?
    Doc: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss.
  7. A nurse comes in and tells a doc... ..."there's a man in the waiting room that thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him?"
    Doc says, "Tell him I can't see him today."
  8. Doctor Am I pregnant? A lady goes to a doctor to find out if she is pregnant
    Doc: Hmm, Looks like your Preganant...
    Girl: Am I?
    Doc: No it just looks like you are
  9. I got rare disease Doctor: You have got an extremely rare disease
    Me: How rare?
    Doc: You pick the name.
  10. My ex wife's favorite joke. Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a sheet of saran-wrap.
    Doc says to him, "I can clearly see your nuts."

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Doc One Liners

Which doc one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with doc? I can suggest the ones about medic and patient.

  1. What do you call doctors who graduated online? Google Docs
  2. Mickey mouse "Doc, my knees hurt!" Doctor: Which knee?
    Mickey: Disney
  3. what do you call medical students who graduated online? google docs
  4. Give it to me straight doc, how long do I have left? Ten.
    Ten what?
    Nine
  5. Q: What do you do with a sick boat?
    A: Take it to the doc.
  6. A Grass-Type Pokemon walks in a doctor's office "Doc, my bulb is sore"
  7. How is it possible for anyone to wear Doc Martens on both feet? isn't that a pairodocs?
  8. Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc.
  9. Patient: Doc, I'm worried. This is my first surgery. Doc: Me too!!
  10. My dentist asked me when was the last time I flossed. I was like "Doc, you were there".
  11. Headache Doc: Hows your headache?
    Husband: She's fine.
  12. Doctor I'm afraid of people that aren't blind. Doc: I see
    Me: aaAaaaaaAAAAAA
  13. Where do letters go when they are sick? The Google Doc
  14. Where do you take a sick ship? To the doc(k)!
  15. Knock, knock. Who's there?
    Interrupting doctor.
    Interrupting doc…
    You have cancer.

How Long Doc Jokes

Here is a list of funny how long doc jokes and even better how long doc puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Doctor: I've got some bad news. You have an incurable disease, you don't have long to live. Man: How long do I have, doc?
    Doctor: 10
    Man: 10 what? Months? Weeks? Days?
    Doctor: 9
  • Doctor: Sorry, sir. Your disease is terminal. Wow, ok. So how long do I have, doc?
    I'd say about 5 if you're lucky.
    5 what? Weeks? Months?? Years???
    4, 3, 2, 1...
  • Lung cancer has done a real number on me; I don't have long left. Doc said he's going to get me a donor lung.. …but I'm not holding my breath.
  • A man is at the doctor. Man: Tell me Doc, how long do I have to live?
    Doctor: 5..
    Man: 5 what? Years? Months?
    Doctor: 4..
  • Doc, how long do I have to live? Doctor: Ten
    Me: Ten what? Years, months, weeks?
    Doctor: Nine, Eight, Seven...
  • Doc, can you help me? I can't stop these thoughts that I am a cowboy. Interesting. How long have you been feeling like this?
    About a yeeee-haaaw!
  • "Doc, my b**... hurts" "Where specifically does it hurt?"
    "Right around the entrance"
    "Yeah well that's the exit. As long as you think it's an entrance, it'll continue to hurt"

New Doc Jokes

Here is a list of funny new doc jokes and even better new doc puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Doc Brown goes for a new paint-job on his car, and decides to go that extra step and theme the vehicle after Star Wars Whenever people see it they say, "Man, DeLorean!"
  • I asked my friend why his new boots had whoopee cushions on the soles He said "they're my new Doc Fartens"
  • "Don't panic Jack... this a new procedure but everything is going to be alright" - Doc, I am not Jack!
    - I am.
  • "Doc, you gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'What's New p**...'."
    "Ah. That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
    "Is it common?"
    "It's not unusual."
  • A new comprehensive study found that only ~14.3% of dwarves are Happy The study went on to show that the rest of them are Grumpy, Sleepy, d**..., Bashful, Sneezy, and Doc.

Ridiculous Doc Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter

What funny jokes about doc you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean diagnosis jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make doc pranks.

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.

A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.

"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

A guy is having a check up at the doctor's...

"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it" sais the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"
"I don't believe in that astrology c**..., doc"
"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.
When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.
I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)
Great success.

Two drunk people are sitting at a bar having an argument about Coronavirus.

The first one says "You're just trying to scare people. You don't know anything."
The second replies, clearly fed up with the first, "I'm a doctor! I'm paid to know these things, I have a PhD and everything!"
The first one slurs back, "Well ***I*** have a ***DhD.***"
The second says, exasperated, "What the h**... is a DhD??"
The first cackles, "You're some doc if you don't know what ADHD is!"

A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"

A man gets a call from his doctor

The doctor says "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news"
The man says "Give me the good news first doc"
The doctor replies "Well, they're going to name a disease after you"

A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".

The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"

Doctor's visit

Doctor: It's bad news, Jim.
Jim: What is it, doc?
Doctor: You have to stop m**....
Jim: Oh god...why?
Doctor: Because I'm talking to you.

I went to get a prostate exam yesterday...

the doctor told me to get in the fetal position and relax.
"You, know", the doc said after about 30 seconds into the procedure, "it's shouldn't be embarrassing, and it's not uncommon for some men to get an e**... during this procedure."
"I don't have an e**...', I responded.
Doc responded, "Yeah, but I do."

5 p**...

A man visits his doctor and tells him,
"You've got to help me doc. I've got 5 p**...!"
To which the doctor replies,
"5 p**...! How do your pants fit?"
"Like a glove!"

A man goes to his doctor

"Doc, you gotta help me. I can't stop singing What's New p**...."
"Oh, that sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome," said the doctor.
"Tom Jones Syndrome? Is that rare?"
"It's not unusual."

A man has an appointment with a urologist.

The man is sitting on the examination table when the Urologist walks in. The urologist glances at the man's medical history, makes a few notes and then says: "Look, I hate to break it to you, but you have to stop m**...."
The man frowns and says, "Why, Doc?"
The urologist responds: "So I can examine you."

So a guy walks into the doctors office...

...and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I woke up this morning and my left eye was blind!"
"Alright," says the Doctor, "have a seat and I'll check you out."
The doctor looks him in the eye, and after a second says "Well, you're going to have to stop m**... for a little while."
"Why?" asks the man.
"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

My wife's pregnant

90yr man: My 18yr wife is pregnant,your opinion doc?
Dr: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrela instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, and sees a lion, lifts the umbrela, pulls the handle and BANG, The lion drops dead!
Old man: That's is impossible, sumone else must have shot the lion!
Dr: EXACTLY!!

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English

A guy goes to the doctor with bowel problems

"Doc. My b**... just ain't right the past few days." he says.
"Alright," says the doctor.
"Pull your pants down and tell me where it's hurting exactly."
The guy does so, points and says,
"It's particularly painful near the entrance here."
The doctor is taken back and says,
"Well... I believe it is hurting because you just called it the entrance"

A doctor calls a patient with his test results...

Doctor: I have bad news and worse news.
Patient: What's the bad news, Doc?
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: That's terrible? What's worse news?
Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

p**... the Irishman took his goldfish to the vet...

... and says to the vet,
"Doctor, my goldfish is very sick! I think he may have epilepsy."
The vet has a quick look at the fish, and after a few seconds he says, "Well, p**..., your fish looks fine."
p**... then replies, "Oh wait Doc, I haven't taken him out of the tank yet!"

s**... gone wrong [CORNY]

-Hey doc, so here's the thing, I felt really bad so I tried to kill myself with painkillers.
-Seriously? And what happened?
-After the first two, I felt much better.

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...

She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."

A man rushes into the doctors' office and says "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The Doc says, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually"

To this, the man shrieks and responds "Everyone? Oh lord, what have I done?"

Me: so Doc, are you saying I need to buy better w**...?

Doc: No John, I said your joints are deteriorating.

An Elderly Man Goes to the Doctor's.

Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman.
She is hot and all she wants to do is have s**... all day long.
So what's the problem?
Breaking down in tears....
I can't remember where I live.

A joke I came up with in my sleep today

A guy goes to see his doctor and after discussing the problem, the doctor hands him his prescription.
Guy: "Wow, this is the most legible prescription I've ever seen, doc!"
Doctor: "Mfhm sremn emsfn."

A wife waits outside the doctors office while her husband is in there with him. After a short time, he comes out, crying....

Wife - "Honey, what's wrong?"
Husband - "The doc told me I have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life!"
Wife - "Well, that's not so bad, I thought it was something much worse!"
Husband - "He only gave me three of them...."

A n**... guy walks into a psychiatrist's office...

"You gotta help me, doc," he tells the psychiatrist, "I think I'm going crazy!"
The psychiatrist looks him over and replies. "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

A man goes to the doctor

After a few tests he says
"Doc, I'm not feeling too good about my future health"
The doctor says
"I would seem so, Mercury is in Uranus after all"
The man scoffs,
"No offence doc, but I dont believe in astrology"
"Neither do I" answers the doctor, "My thermometer broke"

"Tom Jones Syndrome"

A man is in the waiting room at his Doctor's office and finally, the Doc arrives.
"Hello Jim what seems to be the problem today?"
Jim replies "Doc, you've gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'She's a Lady' by Tom Jones!"
The Doc says "oh yes, that is 'Tom Jones Syndrome'"
"Is it common?" Jim asks
"Well it's not unusual"
First post.

Doctor: "I have some bad news. You going to have to stop m**...."

Man: "That's terrible, doc, why?!"
Doctor: "I'm trying to examine you."

Louiis c**... goes to see his doctor...

Doctor says:
I have some bad news for you. You have to stop m**...!
Oh no doc! Why? Why?!
I'm trying to examine you!

So, doc... I was told I only had a 1% chance to survive this surgery?

Doc: Yes, but don't worry, the other 99 patients have already died.

A man goes to his optometrist...

He complains, "Doc, I can't see things far away. What can you do to help?" The optometrist says "Follow me." and heads outside.
He points to the sun and asks the man, "Can you tell me what you see there?" The man replies, "That's the sun, of course!"
The optometrist then says, "How much further do you want to see?!"

Here's the good news (OC)

A guy goes to the doctor for his regular checkup. The doctor finishes up and invites him into the office.
"So, which first? The bad news or the good news?"
"Good news, doc", says the guy.
To which the doctor replies, "Well, you won't be needing any more annual prostate exams."

Farmer tries to breed pigs

A farmer bought some breeding pigs, but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.
The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, Doc, but how will I know when the pigs are pregnant?"
"Easy. When they lie down and wallow in the mud." The farmer hung up and came to the conclusion that artificial insemination must mean that he has to impregnate those pigs himself.
So he loaded them onto his truck, drove them out into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and then went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs.
Since they were all still standing around, he concluded that his first attempt didn't take, so he loaded them into the truck again, drove them into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs. They are still just standing around.
"Once more," he told himself, and loaded them onto the truck, drove them into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed.
The next morning, he can't even lift himself off the bed. He asked his wife to see if the pigs are wallowing in the mud yet.
"Nope," she said. "They're all in the back of the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"

Twitter Addiction

A man tells his doctor, Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter! The doctor replies, Sorry, I don't follow you."

An 85 year old man goes to his doctor for his annual checkup...

... Doc says, Mr. Jones, I have bad news and worse news.
"Whats the worse news?"
"You have a relatively large brain tumor that is very aggressive and the treatment options are almost nonexistent, so I'm afraid you have about 6 months to live."
Mr. Jones hangs his head for a couple moments and looks up to ask, "And the bad news?"
"you have Alzheimers."
Mr. Jones frowns and says, "well, at least I don't have cancer."

A depressed man went to the doctor

The man said "Doc, I'm having dark thoughts and I may be suicidal. What should I do?"
And the doctor said "Pay in advance."

Guy gets a call from his doctor...

Doc: I have bad news, and I have worse news.
Guy: Wow. Ok, well let's start with the worse news.
Doc: You have cancer and only have about 3 months to live.
Guy (shaken): Ok, what's the bad news?
Doc: You have Alzheimer's Disease.
Guy (waits a beat): Well at least I don't have cancer.

An 85 year old man goes to his doctor...

"Doc, I got a big problem."
"I understand you were recently remarried, is that right?"
"Yes. My new wife is 23 years old, and that's exactly the problem. She just told me she's pregnant! I haven't been a father in sixty years, and I don't know what to do."
"Hmm. Let me tell you a story that I think will help explain what's going on here: A near sighted man decides to go bear hunting. On his way out the door, he accidentally picks up his umbrella instead of his rifle. Once he gets to the woods, he is instantly attacked by a ferocious 1,200 pound bear. He picks up his umbrella and shoots it dead. Does that story make sense to you?"
"No! Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"My point exactly."

A man goes to the doctor

Man: doctor I'm having problems with my hearing
Doc: can you describe the symptoms?
Man: marge has blue hair and homer is a fat guy

After some pressure from his family a man who is hard of hearing visits his doctor.

After a lengthy examination, the doctor identifies the problem and prescribes the solution. He takes it and the doctor tells him to come back in a week to check that everything is A-OK.
A week later he revisits. The doc announces, "You're hearing is perfect. Your family must be delighted."
He replies. "Oh, I haven't told them yet, I just sit around the house listening to them. So far I've changed my will three times."

A pirate goes to see his doctor

... to look at the spots on his arm.
After examining them, the doctor looks up and says, Nothing to worry about, they're benign.
The pirate says, No, Doc, there be eleven! I counted them meself!

A man goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I've been throwin' up all day"

He tosses a ball up and it lands back in his hands. "See? This has been going on for hours and hours!"
The doctor studies him for a bit and then finally says, "Hmm... I think you've caught something..."

Bragging Doctors

Doc 1 bragged, "I had a patient once who blew out his ACL & MCL. I reconstructed his knee, and 2 years later he completed the Boston marathon."
Doc 2 replied, "That's nothing! I had a patient who was in a head-on collision with a truck. I reconstructed virtually all of his joints and more, and later he won an Olympic gold medal in the decathlon."
Doc 3 chucked condescendingly. "Child's play. I had a patient who was in a horrible e**.... He was blown to bits. All they found was a huge, gaping a**.... I put a suit and tie on it, and now he's the owner and general manager of the Dallas Cowboys!"

An old snake

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "Doctor, you gotta help me, my wife thinks she's a piano..."

The doc replies, "Well, bring her in and I'll see what I can do."
The man says, "Are you nuts!? Do you know how much it costs to move a piano??"

A man wakes up in a hospital ward with the doctor looking over him...

"I'm afraid I have some bad news and some good news" the doctor told him
"What's the bad news?" asked the man
"Well, you've been in a terrible accident and we've had to amputate both of your legs" replied the doc.
"Oh no.... so what's the good news then?"
"The man in the next bed wants to buy your shoes...!"

Why do you make more money?

A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?"
The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."

A guy goes to the doctor because he's been having trouble with his s**... life.

The doctor gives him an examination and says: Look, you're just out of shape. Run ten miles every day and I guarantee you'll start to feel better.
A week later the guy calls his doctor back and says Gee thanks for the advice doc, I've been running ten miles a day and I feel great!
Well that's just great! How's your s**... life?
How the h**... would I know, I'm 70 miles away!

So a mentally disturbed man walks into a dentist's office.

He says, "Doc, you gotta help me! I think I'm a moth!"
"You think you're a moth??" the dentist asks.
"Yes!"
"Well you don't need a dentist... you need a psychiatrist."
"I know," says the man.
"Then what are you doing here?"
"Well, you're light was on, so..."

Jim and his s**... life...

A man named Jim has been married to his beautiful wife for 15 years. They have two wonderful kids, a dog and a nice home.
You see, Jim works really hard at his job, but lately his s**... life has suffered because of it.
Jim goes to his doctor to ask why he is so tired all the time.
Jim says to his doc "you know, I work 16 hour days and when I come home I just have no time to be intimate with my wife. I have no energy! What do I do!"
His doctor replies "Okay Jim I can see you're a little bit overweight so maybe you need some exercise to increase that stamina. Every day for 30 days I want you to walk a mile. I'll phone you after 30 days"
So Jim starts walking that day. He walks one mile every day, hoping this will help.
On the 30th day his doctor phones.
Doc: "Jim! Did you do what I told you?"
Jim: "Yeah I did doc."
Doc: "Well how's your s**... life? Did it improve?"
Jim: "I wouldn't know. I'm 30 miles from home!"
Told to me by my grandmother

A old Jewish man goes to the doctors...

He says "Doctor I've got a huge problem."
The doctor says "What is it?"
He says "I keep getting these silent, smelly, gassy emissions I was with my wife and the Grossmans yesterday and it happened about 100 times during dinner and created a nauseous gas but it was silent so no one new who it was and then again on the bus this morning and even in your office now I must have had 20 of them, Do you have anyway to fix this problem doc?"
The doctor looks up and says "Well first off I'm going to send you to specialist."
The man interrupts him "What kind of specialist doc?"
"A hearing specialist!"

The doctor says to the patient: 'I'm not sure what the problem is sir, but it's probably the alcohol.'

No problem doc, I'll come back when you're sober.

The Alternative Healer

A man has been sick for quite some time, and the many doctors he's seen can't seem to figure out what's wrong with him.
So the man decides to go see an alternative healer. While going through the initial exam, the man asks the healer,
"So doc, do you think I'll be okay?"
The healer replies,
"I don't think so, Mercury is in Uranus."
The man replies,
"Oh I don't believe in that astrology stuff".
The healer replies,
"Me neither, I just broke my thermometer".

apples

A doctor walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey doc, I've always wondered ... is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?" the bartender asks. "Or is it just one of Granny's myths?"

Bad dream

A guy went to the doctor complaining about a bad dream.
Doctor : what seems to be the problem?
Guy: I'm having dreams about this chickens playing in a soccer championship, every night.
Doctor: for how long?
Guy: must be a weak or so.
Doctor: okay, we'll solve this problem, just take this pills twice a day for a week, starting now!
Guy: OK Doc thank you but can I start tomorrow cause tonight is the final?

A doctor tells his patient that unfortunately, his condition is terminal...

"Well, how long have I got doc?" asks the man.
"Ten", replies the doctor.
"Ten what?" Asks the patient, "Ten years? Ten Months? Tell me it's not ten weeks!"
"Nine..." Replies the doctor.

Bad news...

Doctor says, "Your test results have come back, and it's not good."
Patient says, "Give it to me straight, doc. How much time do I have left?"
Doctor says, "Ten."
Patient says, "Ten what? Months? Weeks?"
Doctor says, "...Nine..."

Twice a Day

This guy goes to his doctor "You gotta help me. I can't stop having s**...." "How often do you have it?" The doc asks "Well, twice a day with my wife." The doc says "That's no to bad." The guy says "Yeah, but that's not all, I also have s**... with my secretary, twice a day." The doc says "That's a bit excessive."" and I have s**... with a p**..., twice a day" "That is definitely too much. You got to learn to take this situation in hand."
"I do," says the man "Twice a Day

A man goes to a doctor...

And the doc says, "I have some bad news and some worse news."
The man says, "OK, give me the worst news first."
The doc says, "You have stage 4 cancer throughout your brain and mouth and you aren't likely to survive more than 4 months."
The man says, "Well that's really bad, what's the other news?"
The doc says, "You have alzheimers too."
The man sits and thinks a bit and finally says, "Well, that's not so bad at least I don't have cancer."

One day a man wakes up and finds out he has 3 b**...

He decides to go see a doctor but was a little embarrassed to address his problem so he says...
"Hey Doc, between you and me we have 5 b**...".
The doctor, extremely baffled by this jumps off his chair and says...
"WHATTTT ?!!?!! You have no b**..."?

A man goes to the doctor...

"Doctor, will I be ok?"
"I don't know, Mercury is in Uranus right now"
"I don't do astronomy doc"
"Me neither, my thermometer just broke"

A Pirate Walks Into the Doctors Office

The pirate walks in and tells the doc he's having an issue down below.
He drops his pants and the doc says, "My god there's your problem! You have a steering wheel attached to your t**...!"
The pirate responds, "ARRR IT'S DRIVIN ME NUTS!"

I was at the dentist yesterday

As he was inspecting my teeth, he poked and prodded and scraped one of my back molars that was particularly sore. He leaned closer for a better look, and said to me, "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen! That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen!"
I was kind of offended. "Doc, I'm not s**... or deaf, you didn't have to repeat yourself."
"I wasn't repeating myself, that was the echo!"

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot in his nose, cabbage in his ears and ham over his eyes. What's wrong with me doc? He asks.

The doctor replies Well it looks like you're not eating right.

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

Whole joke in title! New era of convenience! In mother Russia, joke laughs at you!
***Bonus***, since you came in here anyway:
Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

Only o**... can Save Her

A man's wife goes into a coma.
The doctor says "Theres only one way of reviving your wife but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and have o**... s**... with her"
The man says"my god...."
Doctor says "I know I know, but I've seen it work"
The man says "ok doc, I'll try anything, I'm desperate"
He goes into his wifes room, closes the door behind him. He comes out five minutes later and says"Doc, I dont think it's working....she's choking"

jokes about doc