Doc Jokes
106 doc jokes and hilarious doc puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about doc that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Doc Short Jokes
Short doc jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The doc humour may include short med jokes also.
- Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous." Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"
surgeon: "I know, I am" - A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!" The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."
- My doctor he dont help either, he told me to run 5 Miles a Day for two weeks I called him up I said "Doc im 70 miles from my house"
-Rodney Dangerfield - A guy goes to the doctor. A guy goes to the doctor.
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual." - So doctor, do I have rabies? Doc: Short answer. Yes.
Patient: What's the long answer?
Doc: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss. - A nurse comes in and tells a doc... ..."there's a man in the waiting room that thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him?"
Doc says, "Tell him I can't see him today." - Doctor Am I pregnant? A lady goes to a doctor to find out if she is pregnant
Doc: Hmm, Looks like your Preganant...
Girl: Am I?
Doc: No it just looks like you are - Doctor: I've got some bad news. You have an incurable disease, you don't have long to live. Man: How long do I have, doc?
Doctor: 10
Man: 10 what? Months? Weeks? Days?
Doctor: 9 - So, doc... I was told I only had a 1% chance to survive this surgery? Doc: Yes, but don't worry, the other 99 patients have already died.
- A depressed man went to the doctor The man said "Doc, I'm having dark thoughts and I may be suicidal. What should I do?"
And the doctor said "Pay in advance."
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Doc One Liners
Which doc one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with doc? I can suggest the ones about medic and patient.
- What do you call doctors who graduated online? Google Docs
- Mickey mouse "Doc, my knees hurt!" Doctor: Which knee?
Mickey: Disney - Give it to me straight doc, how long do I have left? Ten.
Ten what?
Nine - A Grass-Type Pokemon walks in a doctor's office "Doc, my bulb is sore"
- How is it possible for anyone to wear Doc Martens on both feet? isn't that a pairodocs?
- Patient: Doc, I'm worried. This is my first surgery. Doc: Me too!!
- Headache Doc: Hows your headache?
Husband: She's fine. - Doctor I'm afraid of people that aren't blind. Doc: I see
Me: aaAaaaaaAAAAAA - Where do letters go when they are sick? The Google Doc
- Knock, knock. Who's there?
Interrupting doctor.
Interrupting doc…
You have cancer. - Bugs Bunny at the airport "Eh, what's up Doc?"
- My doc warned me to take it easy on the mints They make you go menthol
- Doctor said I have acute pharyngitis. I said, sorry doc, I'm married.
- How do physicians get into the hospital? the doc door
- What do you do when your ship catches coronavirus You send it to the doc
How Long Doc Jokes
Here is a list of funny how long doc jokes and even better how long doc puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Lung cancer has done a real number on me; I don't have long left. Doc said he's going to get me a donor lung.. …but I'm not holding my breath.
- Doc, how long do I have to live? Doctor: Ten
Me: Ten what? Years, months, weeks?
Doctor: Nine, Eight, Seven... - Doc, can you help me? I can't stop these thoughts that I am a cowboy. Interesting. How long have you been feeling like this?
About a yeeee-haaaw!
New Doc Jokes
Here is a list of funny new doc jokes and even better new doc puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Doc Brown goes for a new paint-job on his car, and decides to go that extra step and theme the vehicle after Star Wars Whenever people see it they say, "Man, DeLorean!"
- I asked my friend why his new boots had whoopee cushions on the soles He said "they're my new Doc Fartens"
- "Don't panic Jack... this a new procedure but everything is going to be alright" - Doc, I am not Jack!
- I am.
Ridiculous Doc Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about doc you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean diagnosis jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make doc pranks.
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"
I dropped my knife and cut off a toe
After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Doc, my b**... hurts"
"Where specifically does it hurt?"
"Right around the entrance"
"Yeah well that's the exit. As long as you think it's an entrance, it'll continue to hurt"
A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.
"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.
As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.
When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.
I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)
Great success.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two drunk people are sitting at a bar having an argument about Coronavirus.
The first one says "You're just trying to scare people. You don't know anything."
The second replies, clearly fed up with the first, "I'm a doctor! I'm paid to know these things, I have a PhD and everything!"
The first one slurs back, "Well ***I*** have a ***DhD.***"
The second says, exasperated, "What the h**... is a DhD??"
The first cackles, "You're some doc if you don't know what ADHD is!"
A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor
So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to get a prostate exam yesterday...
the doctor told me to get in the fetal position and relax.
"You, know", the doc said after about 30 seconds into the procedure, "it's shouldn't be embarrassing, and it's not uncommon for some men to get an e**... during this procedure."
"I don't have an e**...', I responded.
Doc responded, "Yeah, but I do."
My wife's pregnant
90yr man: My 18yr wife is pregnant,your opinion doc?
Dr: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrela instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, and sees a lion, lifts the umbrela, pulls the handle and BANG, The lion drops dead!
Old man: That's is impossible, sumone else must have shot the lion!
Dr: EXACTLY!!
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... gone wrong [CORNY]
-Hey doc, so here's the thing, I felt really bad so I tried to kill myself with painkillers.
-Seriously? And what happened?
-After the first two, I felt much better.
A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...
She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me: so Doc, are you saying I need to buy better w**...?
Doc: No John, I said your joints are deteriorating.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Elderly Man Goes to the Doctor's.
Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman.
She is hot and all she wants to do is have s**... all day long.
So what's the problem?
Breaking down in tears....
I can't remember where I live.
A joke I came up with in my sleep today
A guy goes to see his doctor and after discussing the problem, the doctor hands him his prescription.
Guy: "Wow, this is the most legible prescription I've ever seen, doc!"
Doctor: "Mfhm sremn emsfn."
A wife waits outside the doctors office while her husband is in there with him. After a short time, he comes out, crying....
Wife - "Honey, what's wrong?"
Husband - "The doc told me I have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life!"
Wife - "Well, that's not so bad, I thought it was something much worse!"
Husband - "He only gave me three of them...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My ex wife's favorite joke.
Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a sheet of saran-wrap.
Doc says to him, "I can clearly see your nuts."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Louiis c**... goes to see his doctor...
Doctor says:
I have some bad news for you. You have to stop m**...!
Oh no doc! Why? Why?!
I'm trying to examine you!
A man goes to his optometrist...
He complains, "Doc, I can't see things far away. What can you do to help?" The optometrist says "Follow me." and heads outside.
He points to the sun and asks the man, "Can you tell me what you see there?" The man replies, "That's the sun, of course!"
The optometrist then says, "How much further do you want to see?!"
Here's the good news
A guy goes to the doctor for his regular checkup. The doctor finishes up and invites him into the office.
"So, which first? The bad news or the good news?"
"Good news, doc", says the guy.
To which the doctor replies, "Well, you won't be needing any more annual prostate exams."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Farmer tries to breed pigs
A farmer bought some breeding pigs, but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.
The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, Doc, but how will I know when the pigs are pregnant?"
"Easy. When they lie down and wallow in the mud." The farmer hung up and came to the conclusion that artificial insemination must mean that he has to impregnate those pigs himself.
So he loaded them onto his truck, drove them out into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and then went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs.
Since they were all still standing around, he concluded that his first attempt didn't take, so he loaded them into the truck again, drove them into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs. They are still just standing around.
"Once more," he told himself, and loaded them onto the truck, drove them into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed.
The next morning, he can't even lift himself off the bed. He asked his wife to see if the pigs are wallowing in the mud yet.
"Nope," she said. "They're all in the back of the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"
An 85 year old man goes to his doctor for his annual checkup...
... Doc says, Mr. Jones, I have bad news and worse news.
"Whats the worse news?"
"You have a relatively large brain tumor that is very aggressive and the treatment options are almost nonexistent, so I'm afraid you have about 6 months to live."
Mr. Jones hangs his head for a couple moments and looks up to ask, "And the bad news?"
"you have Alzheimers."
Mr. Jones frowns and says, "well, at least I don't have cancer."
An 85 year old man goes to his doctor...
"Doc, I got a big problem."
"I understand you were recently remarried, is that right?"
"Yes. My new wife is 23 years old, and that's exactly the problem. She just told me she's pregnant! I haven't been a father in sixty years, and I don't know what to do."
"Hmm. Let me tell you a story that I think will help explain what's going on here: A near sighted man decides to go bear hunting. On his way out the door, he accidentally picks up his umbrella instead of his rifle. Once he gets to the woods, he is instantly attacked by a ferocious 1,200 pound bear. He picks up his umbrella and shoots it dead. Does that story make sense to you?"
"No! Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"My point exactly."
After some pressure from his family a man who is hard of hearing visits his doctor.
After a lengthy examination, the doctor identifies the problem and prescribes the solution. He takes it and the doctor tells him to come back in a week to check that everything is A-OK.
A week later he revisits. The doc announces, "You're hearing is perfect. Your family must be delighted."
He replies. "Oh, I haven't told them yet, I just sit around the house listening to them. So far I've changed my will three times."
A man goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I've been throwin' up all day"
He tosses a ball up and it lands back in his hands. "See? This has been going on for hours and hours!"
The doctor studies him for a bit and then finally says, "Hmm... I think you've caught something..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bragging Doctors
Doc 1 bragged, "I had a patient once who blew out his ACL & MCL. I reconstructed his knee, and 2 years later he completed the Boston marathon."
Doc 2 replied, "That's nothing! I had a patient who was in a head-on collision with a truck. I reconstructed virtually all of his joints and more, and later he won an Olympic gold medal in the decathlon."
Doc 3 chucked condescendingly. "Child's play. I had a patient who was in a horrible e**.... He was blown to bits. All they found was a huge, gaping a**.... I put a suit and tie on it, and now he's the owner and general manager of the Dallas Cowboys!"
An old snake
"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "Doctor, you gotta help me, my wife thinks she's a piano..."
The doc replies, "Well, bring her in and I'll see what I can do."
The man says, "Are you nuts!? Do you know how much it costs to move a piano??"
A man wakes up in a hospital ward with the doctor looking over him...
"I'm afraid I have some bad news and some good news" the doctor told him
"What's the bad news?" asked the man
"Well, you've been in a terrible accident and we've had to amputate both of your legs" replied the doc.
"Oh no.... so what's the good news then?"
"The man in the next bed wants to buy your shoes...!"
Why do you make more money?
A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?"
The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jim and his s**... life...
A man named Jim has been married to his beautiful wife for 15 years. They have two wonderful kids, a dog and a nice home.
You see, Jim works really hard at his job, but lately his s**... life has suffered because of it.
Jim goes to his doctor to ask why he is so tired all the time.
Jim says to his doc "you know, I work 16 hour days and when I come home I just have no time to be intimate with my wife. I have no energy! What do I do!"
His doctor replies "Okay Jim I can see you're a little bit overweight so maybe you need some exercise to increase that stamina. Every day for 30 days I want you to walk a mile. I'll phone you after 30 days"
So Jim starts walking that day. He walks one mile every day, hoping this will help.
On the 30th day his doctor phones.
Doc: "Jim! Did you do what I told you?"
Jim: "Yeah I did doc."
Doc: "Well how's your s**... life? Did it improve?"
Jim: "I wouldn't know. I'm 30 miles from home!"
Told to me by my grandmother
A old Jewish man goes to the doctors...
He says "Doctor I've got a huge problem."
The doctor says "What is it?"
He says "I keep getting these silent, smelly, gassy emissions I was with my wife and the Grossmans yesterday and it happened about 100 times during dinner and created a nauseous gas but it was silent so no one new who it was and then again on the bus this morning and even in your office now I must have had 20 of them, Do you have anyway to fix this problem doc?"
The doctor looks up and says "Well first off I'm going to send you to specialist."
The man interrupts him "What kind of specialist doc?"
"A hearing specialist!"
The doctor says to the patient: 'I'm not sure what the problem is sir, but it's probably the alcohol.'
No problem doc, I'll come back when you're sober.
The Alternative Healer
A man has been sick for quite some time, and the many doctors he's seen can't seem to figure out what's wrong with him.
So the man decides to go see an alternative healer. While going through the initial exam, the man asks the healer,
"So doc, do you think I'll be okay?"
The healer replies,
"I don't think so, Mercury is in Uranus."
The man replies,
"Oh I don't believe in that astrology stuff".
The healer replies,
"Me neither, I just broke my thermometer".
apples
A doctor walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey doc, I've always wondered ... is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?" the bartender asks. "Or is it just one of Granny's myths?"
Bad dream
A guy went to the doctor complaining about a bad dream.
Doctor : what seems to be the problem?
Guy: I'm having dreams about this chickens playing in a soccer championship, every night.
Doctor: for how long?
Guy: must be a weak or so.
Doctor: okay, we'll solve this problem, just take this pills twice a day for a week, starting now!
Guy: OK Doc thank you but can I start tomorrow cause tonight is the final?
A doctor tells his patient that unfortunately, his condition is terminal...
"Well, how long have I got doc?" asks the man.
"Ten", replies the doctor.
"Ten what?" Asks the patient, "Ten years? Ten Months? Tell me it's not ten weeks!"
"Nine..." Replies the doctor.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Twice a Day
This guy goes to his doctor "You gotta help me. I can't stop having s**...." "How often do you have it?" The doc asks "Well, twice a day with my wife." The doc says "That's no to bad." The guy says "Yeah, but that's not all, I also have s**... with my secretary, twice a day." The doc says "That's a bit excessive."" and I have s**... with a p**..., twice a day" "That is definitely too much. You got to learn to take this situation in hand."
"I do," says the man "Twice a Day
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day a man wakes up and finds out he has 3 b**...
He decides to go see a doctor but was a little embarrassed to address his problem so he says...
"Hey Doc, between you and me we have 5 b**...".
The doctor, extremely baffled by this jumps off his chair and says...
"WHATTTT ?!!?!! You have no b**..."?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dyslexic man walks into a bra
Whole joke in title! New era of convenience! In mother Russia, joke laughs at you!
***Bonus***, since you came in here anyway:
Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
A guy walks into a doctors office and says
'You've gotta help me doc. I snore so loudly that I keep waking myself up, what can I do?'
'Oh that's easy' replies the doctor, 'just sleep in another room'
Courtesy of my 6 year old.
A psychologist tells the troubled man:
tell me about your childhood.
man: it was a horrible time doc, I used to have a twin and everyone accused me for all the troubles he made.
psychologist: what did you do about it?
man: i had my revenge last week..
psychologist: how?
man: I died and they buried him instead.
Anticipation (may be offensive)
A man notices he is having some very strange medical symptoms, so he goes to the hospital. Tests are run, and he goes home. A few days later, he gets a call from his doctor.
"Doc, finally! Give me the news, this anticipation has been killing me."
"Actually, that's the cancer..."
How does Jeff Bezos tell his doctor that his Covid symptoms are horrible?
Doc, I feel like a million bucks.
A man walks into his doctor's office and says: My nose just keeps on running,
But that's not even the worst part about me either, doc. My feet smell an awful lot! Surely you must have a remedy for both.
The doctor replies: Well I'm sorry to tell you there's nothing I can do. It doesn't seem like you need a medical professional, but rather a bio-mechanical engineer!
After a confused look from the man the doctor explains: You've been built upside down.
A man walks into a doctor's office with a very deep cut.
"I need to close up this wound, doc", says the man, "but I can't afford for you to do it, so can you just give me the needle and thread so I can do it myself?"
The doctor says; "sure, suture self"
I told my doctor that I was unable to do all the things around the house that I used to do.
The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but found nothing wrong with me. When the examination was completed, I said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just very lazy." "Okay," I said , "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
I'll just apologise right now...
A man goes to the doctor. He says, "Doc, I think there may be something wrong with the pills you gave me last time."
The doctor peered over his glasses, "Why do you think that, Mr Jones?"
"I keep veering to the left, then to the right."
"I shouldn't worry about that," replies the doctor. "Those are just side effects..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... was at the doctor's office the other day..
He said to the doctor "Doc, I'm half deaf all of a sudden. I'm having trouble hearing."
The doctor replied "Right, we'll test if you're half deaf or not. Go out and stand in the room at the end of the hall and I'll shout a number and if you can hear it, shout it back."
p**... walked out and into the room.
The doctor shouted "88!"
p**... replied "44!"
What do you call someone who identifies disease by reading about symptoms on Google?
Google Doc
Guy gets a call from his doctor.
"Your blood test results are in... I'm sorry to tell you that you have contracted leprosy," says the doctor.
"What? How?" Guy exclaims.
"Can't be sure, but we need to discuss treatment options. There is a cure, but it is extremely expensive."
"What choice do I have, doc?" Guy laments. "How much will it cost?"
"An arm and a leg."
Relapse
"Great news, Mr. Oscarson," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again. "Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied."And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store.
You'll see - you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever. "Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you? "Well," suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new microwave. "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Funny joke (i hope so)
Patient: hey doc i take s**... every morning at 8 o'clock
Doctor: that's awesome what's wrong?
Patient:i wake up at 9 o'clock
An Oxygen molecule go sees a doctor
"Doc, Im suffering from terrible cramps" says the Oxygen Molecule.
"That's an easy fix," says the doctor, "Just eat some Potassium and you'll be OK!"
"Your case is quite complicated."
Patient: Why doctor? What happened?
Doc: You have a disease from the chapter I skipped during my studies.
This bloke goes to the doctor's complaining of a sore bottom...
"Where specifically?" asks the doc.
"Right near the entrance" he replies
"There's your problem; you think it's an entrance."
A man goes to the doctor
with a banana hanging halfway out his ear and a carrot sticking out of his nose. He says, "doc, I'm not feeling too hot".
Doc replies, "I can tell ya what's wrong just lookin' at ya. Clearly you're not eating properly."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor, I've got a problem
Doc: What is that?
Gramps: I don't know why, but I keep p**... everyday at 8 am sharp.
Doc: How is that a problem?
Gramps: I wake up at 9am.
A man walks up to a chiropractor
and says, doc my back is fine!
the chiropractor then proceeds to crack his back in several places. Afterwards, the man feels relief and is standing several inches taller. He says I stand corrected
A man visits his doctor...
and says "Doc, you gotta help me. I have a terrible case of flatulence. Fortunately it's completely silent and there's no smell, but I haven't stopped passing gas for two days ! Can you help me ? "
Doc says "Yes, but first we need to check your hearing and your sinuses."
[ok, I'm walking off, no need to throw stuff.]
A Limerick
There once was a man from Port Crown
Who went to a doctor in town.
The doc gave to he
A sup-po-si-to-ry.
"I will not take this sitting down!"
A man calls his doctor late at night.
"Doc! My arm got broke in two places! What should I do?!" The sleepy M.D replies, "Don't go back to either of them."
A man goes in to his doctor's for an exam and the doctor says, "Well, I have good news and bad news."
The man says, "Give me the bad news first, Doc." The doctor says, "You've got a rare form of cancer. It's incurable and you have three weeks to live." "Oh my God!" says the patient. "After that, I'm glad there's good news. What is it?" The doctor smiles and points and says, "Do you see that good looking nurse over there? Well, I'm sleeping with her."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to the clinic today and nervously said, "Doc, this is a little embarrassing, but I've got a problem." Rolling his eyes, chuckling softly, he retorted, "Trust me, I'm a doctor. Nothing you can show me would be startling."
Hesitating just a bit, I stammered, "Well...I...I...I seem to have 5 p**...."
Stunned, eyes wide, he rasped, "Wait, what?! How did you get your pants on!?"
I whispered, "Actually, they fit like a glove."
A man goes into the doctor with a penguin on his head.
The doc asks. "And what can I do for you?."
Penguin replys. "Well Doc. It started as a growth on my foot...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy walks into a psychiatrists office.
Guy walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but a pair of see through cellophane underwear.
Doc takes one look at the guy and exclaims. "well I can clearly see your nuts!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man tells his shrink he's no longer attracted to his wife.
"For some reason I'm only a**... by small pieces of fruit."
"I've seen this before, you have Twin Syndrome.," the doc replies.
"Twin Syndrome?"
"You only come in pears."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mike Pence walks into the doctor's office with a fly on his head
The doc asks: What the h**... happened to you?
The fly says: I think, I stepped into something.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man sees his doctor for his f**... problems.
I've been f**... a lot lately, doc, says the man. I've actually f**... ten times since I've been in here. But they don't make any noise and they don't smell. Can you help me?
The doctor says, I think I see the problem. I'm going to prescribe you some medicine that should help you. Take it and then come back and see me next week.
One week later, the man returns to the doctor's office. What did that medicine do to me, doc?! My farts smell horrible now!
The doctor says, Well, it looks like that medicine cleaned up your sinuses. Now let's get you a hearing aid.
An Irishman goes to a doctor
Doctor: I'm not completely sure what's bothering you Murphy but it might be because of heavy drinking.
Murphy: Oh don't worry doc, I'll just come back when you're sober
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 surgeons were arguing on the golf course about who makes the best patients.
The first one said he loved librarians to operate on. When you open them up, every part is in alphabitical order. The second doc said no, electricians are the best! Everything inside is color coded. The third doc said he had spent most of his career working in D C. That the absolute best surgical patients were polliticians. Their heads are interchangable with theirs a**... and they have no internal organs as they are completely full of s**...!
