Do You Want To Go To Heaven Jokes
32 do you want to go to heaven jokes and hilarious do you want to go to heaven puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about do you want to go to heaven that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Do You Want To Go To Heaven Short Jokes
Short do you want to go to heaven jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The do you want to go to heaven humour may include short getting into heaven jokes also.
- An elderly man has urinary incontinence. Why does he drink holy water before going to bed on Christmas Eve? He wanted to sleep in heavenly pees.
- If you want to go to heaven, make sure your sin count is divisible by 360. Because sin(360)=sin(0).
- Can you imagine getting 72 v**... when you go to heaven? The first half-dozen or so will be nice, but after that, I'm going to want a pro.
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Quirky and Hilarious Do You Want To Go To Heaven Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about do you want to go to heaven you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean in heaven jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make do you want to go to heaven pranks.
Two flat earthers die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they have the chance to ask god any questions they want and get truthful answers, so one flat earther asks god "is the earth flat?" to which god answers "No."
The flat earther looks at the other and says "this goes higher than we thought".
A lawyer and the pope die at the same time and go to heaven...
The pope is first and meets St. Peter at the gates to heaven. St. Peter says welcome to heaven and gives him a nice little plot of land with a decent sized house. The lawyer is next and St. Peter directs him to this huge mansion on the shore of a beautiful lake with anything the lawyer could want. The lawyer asks St. Peter "Why do I get this mansion with anything I could ask for and the holiest man on earth gets a small house?"
St. Peter replies by saying "We've got hundreds of popes up here, but you're the only lawyer!"
Potato Patch
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES! Love, Fred
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Fred
A Plane Full Of Ugly People Crashes
A plane full of ugly people crashes and everyone on board dies. The peoples' souls then go to heaven, where they are greeted by God at the gate. God tells them that he will grant each person one wish. The first person says, I want to be beautiful . God snapped his fingers and it happened. Then the second person wished for the same thing. This continues as each person in line wishes to be beautiful. God notices the last man in line laughing hysterically. When it came to be the man's turn he laughed and said, I wish all those people were ugly again.
An old man and his wife die...
An old man and his wife die in an accident and go to heaven. There, an angel gives them a beautiful house by the beach and everything they want. All they have to do is stay in the vicinity and enjoy themselves.
The old man turns to his wife and says: "You idiot! We could have come here 10 years ago, but noooo, you wanted to eat healthy"
A joke from my grandfather
In a kindergarten classroom in Moscow in 1980:
Teacher: The Soviet Union is the heaven where you always have food to fill your stomach and your parents have a job and everyone is happy.
Student named Mikhail: Teacher I want to go to the Soviet Union.
One Sunday morning a preacher told his congregation..
"Everyone who wants to go to heaven after they die, come down to the front now!"
The whole church came forward except for o**.... Thinking that maybe the man hadn't heard him, the preacher repeated the invitation.
Again the man just sat there.
"Sir," said the preacher, "don't you want to go to heaven when you die?
The man replied, "Oh, when I die! I thought you were getting a group ready to go right now."
Who wants to go to heaven?
My wife used to teach Sunday school to 7 year olds,so in one of her classes,she asked the class,"Who wants to go to heaven"?Everyone raised their hand except this one cute little girl,so my wife asked her,"Why don't you want to go to heaven my angel"?
The little girl replied,
My mother told me that I must come home straight after Sunday school.
Joe approached the gates of Heaven and God asked him what he had done in life that made him worthy...
Joe: "I once saw a gang of bikers harassing a woman, so I went up to the biggest and baddest one, gave him a punch across the face, and said 'If you want to mess with her again, you'll have to go through me first.'"
God: "Really? When was that?"
Joe: "About 5 minutes ago."
A holocaust survivor goes to heaven...
A holocaust survivor dies and goes to heaven and upon entry through the Pearly Gates, meets God and says, "hey, do you want to hear a Holocaust joke?"
To which God replies, "I guess, go ahead."
After the joke God responds, "that was not funny."
The Holocaust survivor answers in turn, "well, I guess you had to be there."
God vs Satan
In contrast to popular beliefs, Heaven and h**... dont lie above each other, but next to each other.
Because God didnt want people be tempted to cross sides, he came to an agreement with Satan: they would have a wall build and split the bill afterwards.
Ofcourse as you could imagin when the wall was build, Satan plays deaf and dumb when it comes to the bill.
After some time God is fed up with Satan's behaviour and confronts him. "If you dont pay your share, i'll sue you!"
Satan shrugs and laughs: "what are you going to do? I got all the lawyers here"
Do you want to go to heaven?
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
An old man sat studying on a bench near the Kremlin
A KGB agent walking by looked at him suspiciously
but passed by
But an hour and 2 more times passing later the agent asked "Why are u sitting here so long and what are u doing?
Old man replied "I am an old man and Don't expect to live much longer. I want to go to heaven and as u know they speak Hebrew in heaven so I am learning the language now
To this the agent replied "Ha if u go to h**...? Then what?"
The old man replied "I am already fluent in Russian"
A preacher trained his horse to go when he said "Thank God" and to stop when he said "Amen"
The preacher mounted the horse and said "Thank God" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch , he said " "Amen." He took off again saying "Thank God"
The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got exited and said "whoa! whoa!" Then he remembered and said "Amen" and the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff. The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked up to heaven and said "Thank God!"
75 today, but not as old as this old farmer who's buying land
90 year old farmer goes to the banker for a loan to buy land. The banker has some concerns due to the old codgers age.
"What happens if you die before the loan is paid off?" The banker asks.
"I'll send you a check from heaven, because God would want all my obligations taken care of," The old farmer answered.
"But what if you go the other direction?" the banker queried.
"Then I'll deliver it to you in person."
An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia…
An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia, who want him to tell them where his company's money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won't tell them a single word.
After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn't going to be of any use to them, so they kill him.
At the gates of heaven, god asks the Italian why he didn't just give them the information they needed, and that he probably would still be alive if he had.
The Italian responds, How could I? Those rascals had t**... my hands!
A priest is up giving a sermon one Sunday morning
The priest tries a experiment. He tells everyone stand up all those who want to go to heaven! And everyone stands up. He then tells them to sit back down. Then he says stand up all those who want to go to h**... and one man stands up, Murphy. So the priest says Murphy why on earth do you want to go to h**...? Murphy replied oh no father, I don't want to go to h**..., I couldn't bear to see ya standing up there by yourself
Write it down it's a good one!
Hi. I am here. First post, go easy on me.
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
h**... dies and meets god
God: You lead a terrible life. You slaughtered millions of people. You deserve to go to the darkest pits of h**....
h**...: Okay, but can you just honor a wish of mine before I go to h**...?
God: What's the wish?
h**...: I want you to send the hero who killed me, to heaven.
A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven.
At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest.
"Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny.
3 Men go to heaven...
God: What would you like everyone to say at your f**... Billy?
Billy: That "I was a great father and caring husband of a beautiful wife."
God: ok, what about you George?
George: That "I was a great doctor and have saved many lives."
God: Alright, what about you Timmy?
Timmy: I want them to say: "Hey look! He's MOVING!"
Pope Francis died.
He goes up to heaven and knocks on the door. Holy Petrus asks him who he is and what he wants. ,,I am the pope and want to go to heaven! Don't you know me? Petrus says:,, No, i have to talk to my boss. Five minutes later comes Jesus and asks Francis the same. ,,I am the pope and want to go to heaven! You must know me! I was the leader of the holy catholic church! Jesus lets him in. Later Jesus tells Petrus:,,Remember the fishing club we founded 2000 years ago? It still exists!
President Clinton and the Pope die on the same day.
Due to a paperwork issue, the Pope ends up in h**... and the President gets sent to Heaven. The Pope explains the mix up to the devil, who acknowledges the problem and tells him it will take 24 hours before they can reverse it. The next day, the Pope gets called to leave, and on his way up he met Clinton who was on his way down.
The Pope: Sorry about the mix up
Clinton: No problem
The Pope: Well I'm really excited about going to Heaven
Clinton: Why's that? It's not so great
The Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the v**... Mary
Clinton: Sorry, your holiness, but you're a day late
Sunday School
Sister Mary Francis asked each of her young charges to tell the class what they want to do when they grow up.
Johnny says "I'm going to be a policeman." "Very good," say Sister Mary Francis.
Peter says "I'm going to be a fireman." "Very nice," says the nun.
Then Mary stands up, and says "I'm going to be a p**...!" Sister Mary Francis turned pale. The room fell silent. The Sister said sternly "What did you say, Mary??" Beligerantly, Mary stuck out her chin and again, in a clear voice, said "I'm going to be a p**...!!"
"Oh thank heavens," said the nun. I thought you said you were going to be a protestant!!"
3 men die and go to heaven....
Upon entry, St.Peter says, "You will be rewarded based on how honest and faithful you were in your relationships."
The first man had never cheated on his wife and was extremely faithful. So he was given a Cadillac.
The second man had once had an affair but had soon changed and was faithful after that. He was given a Honda.
The last man who had cheated quite a lot on his partners was given a bike.
A few days later, the guy with the bike sees the Cadillac guy crying. He asks him, "Why are you crying? you have everything you could ever want here."
He replies, "I just saw my wife on a bicycle."
The ugly club was going to Disneyland!
When the bus crashed killing all 43 of the occupants and the ugly bus driver. When they reach the pearly gates saint peter tells them all to form an orderly line and they will each get one wish before they pass into heaven.
Each person asks for the same thing, I want to be the most beautiful person ever created. As they move through the line, each person becoming more beautiful than the last they can hear giggling from the back of the line.
The line eventually dissipates and saint peter asks the last person in line his wish.
He says make them all ugly again!
An engaged couple dies and goes to heaven.
They ask St. Peter, "Are there weddings in heaven?"
St. Peter tells them he'll get back to them.
Six months go by, then a year.
Finally after two years, they get a call from St. Peter asking if they still want to get married. They say yes, and get married. A marriage made in heaven!
It isn't long before they realize they weren't meant for each other. So they ask St. Peter if there is such a thing as divorce in heaven.
St. Peter responds, "It took us two years to get a priest up here. How long do you think it will take us to get a lawyer?!"
A preacher trained his horse...
A preacher trained his horse to go when he said "Thank God" and to stop when he said "Amen."
The preacher mounted the horse and said "Thank God" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch , he said " "Amen." He took off again saying "Thank God"
The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got excited and said "whoa! whoa!" Then he remembered and said "Amen" and the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff. The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked up to heaven and said "Thank God!"
Flood
A man hears that a flood will happen. He goes to the attic, with one window to look out on. He starts to pray with god.
**Man:** Oh god, can you please rescue me from Satan's flood?
**God:** Of course you can get rescued!
The flood by now flooded a quarter of the first floor. An SUV pulls up on the driveway.
**SUV Driver**: Hop in if you want to live!
**Man:** No thanks, God will rescue me.
The SUV drives off.
A half hour passes. The flood starts to reach the attic. A raft wades into the scene.
**Raft Rider:** Get on my raft if you want to live.
**Man:** No thank you, God will rescue me.
**Raft Rider:** I am pretty sure you are going to die but whatever.
The raft wades away from the house.
Now the flood has taken over the attic.
The man accepts his fate and drowns.
When he ended up at Heaven, God's angry face is over the gates.
**Man:** You didn't rescue me!
**God:** I tried to! I sent a SUV and a raft out, but you refused both of them.
