divorcing Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious divorcing puns

I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear...

I just really love dick.

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So Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise...

Apparently she found out that he'd been in A Few Good Men.

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A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife...

They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".

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I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the mailman, then it was my best friend, then it was her ex...

It just turns out I really like dick.

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I like to sleep with a fan on me at night.

It's why I'm divorcing my wife to join a band

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Wealthy woman wants a divorce. NSFW

A wealthy woman tells her mother, I'm divorcing David! I can't take it anymore. All he wants is anal sex, and now my asshole is the size of a 50 cent piece, when it used to be the size of a nickel!

The mother says, You're married to a multimillionaire, you have an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, have a $2,000 a week allowance, take six vacations a year, and you want to throw that away over 45 cents?!

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse get a divorce

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in court trying to settle the terms of their divorce, and the judge says, "Mr. Mouse, you say you are divorcing your wife because she is crazy, but I see no reason to believe your wife is mentally ill!" Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy; I said she was fucking Goofy!"

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After divorcing from my ten year marriage, I started dating again and was soon using muscles I'd forgotten I had.

Mainly when I smiled.

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45 Cents

A Jewish daughter says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Nathan.
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece,
when it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece."
Her mother says â€Ķ..
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman!
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion!
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari!
You get $2,000 a week allowance!
You take 6 vacations a year and
you want to throw all that away
over 45 cents?"

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Mickey Mouse is divorcing Minnie Mouse...

Mickey Mouse is in court filing for a divorce from Minnie. One day during the process, Mickey's lawyer comes up to him and says, "You know, you told me that your wife was crazy, but she seems perfectly sane to me."
"I didn't say she was crazy," Mickey replied, "I said she was fucking Goofy."

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Nikke Bella is divorcing John Cena

Supposedly, she couldn't see him.

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Mickey Mouse is talking to his divorce lawyer

Lawyer: So, you say the reason you are divorcing Minnie Mouse is because she is crazy, right?

Mickey: No, I said I am divorcing her because she is fucking Goofy.

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse were getting divorced

The judge said "You can't just divorce Minnie because she's crazy", to which Mickey replies with, "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's fucking goofy."

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Mickey Mouse gets a divorce

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce. The judge looks down at Mickey and shakes his head. "Mickey, you can't just divorce Minnie because she is being silly."

Mickey looks at the judge and says, "I'm not divorcing her because she's being silly, I'm divorcing her because she is fucking Goofy!"

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My wife is divorcing me

My wife is divorcing me because I gave a lot of money to Charity. While I see Charity as happiness for my body and soul, my wife sees her just as a whore.

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Mickey Mouse goes to a divorce attorney's office...

...and files for divorce from Minnie. The lawyer says,

"Mr. Mouse, it's very sad that you and your wife are divorcing. You're one of show business' most beloved couples. In order to file your request I'll need to specify a reason why you wish to divorce your wife."

Mickey tells him.

The lawyer replies, "That's very unfortunate, but your wife's mental illness is not grounds for divorce."

Mickey responds, "Mental illness? I didn't say she was crazy, I told you she's fucking Goofy!"

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Mickey mouse is in court getting divorced...

Judge: Mickey, I don't think divorcing Minnie because she is "stupid" is a good enough reason.

Mickey: I didn't say she's stupid, I said she's fucking Goofy.

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I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the, window cleaner then the postman, her ex-boyfriend, and then my best mate

It's pretty clearâ€ĶI just really love cock

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How to quickly lose 150lbs of fat?

By divorcing.

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So Mickey Is In Court Divorcing Minnie...

There are lawyers everywhere, wearing black suits and carrying big books and glasses. The judge is an old white man in a black robe who says, "So, Mickey, you said you're divorcing your wife because she's crazy?"
Mickey says, *With all due respect Your Honor, I said that she was fucking goofy!*

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A Jewish Mother was horrified to find out her daughter was divorcing her doctor husband.

"Does he hit you?" she asked.

"No Ma."

"Is he cheating on you?"

"No Ma."

"Did he lose his money?"

"No Ma."

"You live in a beautiful house, you have luxury cars, your clothes are of the finest quality, you have a staff to take care of the domestic chores. What does he do so wrong?"

"It's the anal sex ma. He likes the anal sex."

"And what's so bad about that?"

"It's terrible ma. Always with the anal sex. When we got married, my butthole was the size of a dime. Now it's the size of a quarter. It's just terrible."

"It seems like you are giving up an awful lot just for 15 cents."

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Micky talks to his lawyer

His lawyer says " Look Mickey , this is a bad idea , divorcing Minnie. It would be bad for the business. I mean , you can't divorce her for being a little weird "

Mickey says " I didn't say she was weird..... I said she was fucking Goofy "

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My Disneyland Bus Driver told us this one

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were getting a divorce. When Mickey's lawyer was called up, he said "your Honor, Mickey is getting a divorce because he said Minnie is crazy." Mickey interrupts and says "Im not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's fucking Goofy!"

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Religious differences

Judge: Why are you divorcing your wife?

Husband : We have major religious differences!

Judge: What are those differences??

Husband : She thinks she is God, I don't.

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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce...

So they go to a divorce lawyer,

Divorce lawyer: So Mickey you're saying you're divorcing your wife because she's being... extremely silly?

Mickey: No I said she's fucking Goofy!

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I'm divorcing Norman

A woman said to her mother, "All the pervert wants is anal sex. My rectum is now the size of a 50-cent piece! It used to be about the size of a dime!"
Her mother replied, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over some asshole worth 40 fucking cents?"

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My Parents are Divorcing and Went to Court

The judge asks me who I would want to live with. "I don't want to live with my dad because he beats me, but I don't want to live with my mom because she beats me too," I say. "Then who would you rather live with," the judge asks. "The Phoenix Suns, they never beat anybody".

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Did you hear why the Quartz is divorcing her husband?

She says he took her for Granite

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Mother and Father

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her father immediately and yells, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're both coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

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A boy stands before a judge

His parents are divorcing, and the judge asks him to choose where to live.

Do you want to live with your dad? asks the judge.

No, because he beats me replies the boy.

Would you like to live with your mother?

No, she beats me too. I want to live with Eli Manning.

Confused, the judge asks Why do you want to live with Manning?

Because he doesn't beat anybody.

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Micky mouse goes to court to get a divorce from Minnie mouse

The judge says "You cannot divorce her because she is crazy"

to which Mickey replies "No, i am divorcing her because she is fucking goofy"

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Mickey Mouse is divorcing Minnie Mouse..

And in the divorce court the judge says to Mickey
"Let me get this straight, you want to divorce Minnie because she's got 'buck teeth'?"
"No", says Mickey, "I want to divorce her because she's fucking goofy!"

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Judge: "Excuse me sir, did you say that you're divorcing your wife because she's very silly?"

Mickey: "No! I said that she was fucking Goofy!"

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What did the magician say after divorcing his wife?

And now for my next trick.

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What is the single best long-term investment?

Getting married to a CEO & divorcing him once he's wealthy.

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What are the most funny Divorcing jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Divorcing? Well, here are the best Divorcing dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Divorcing pick up lines to share with friends.

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