The Best 35 Divorced Wife Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Divorced Wife jokes. There are some divorced wife jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these divorced wife puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Divorced Wife Jokes and Puns

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce....

We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

"I want a divorce" I told the judge. "All my wife does every night is go from bar to bar to bar.

"What is she doing that for?" Asked the judge.

"Fu***ng looking for me."

DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

There are no divorce courts at the North Pole,

so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.

They're great for separating independent Clauses.


Husband: "I want a divorce...

My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"

Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."

So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...

"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, Do you know her?

Yes, sighs the husband. She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.

My God! says the wife. Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

I beat my wife and she immediately divorced me.

Some people take Monopoly way too seriously.

In the divorce court today

In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 17-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her.

He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester.

You can explore divorced wife reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean divorced wife dad jokes. There are also divorced wife puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole

Fair enough it was her sister's but still...

I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0.

That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.

My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart.

Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?

Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.

Me: Divorce is strong with this one.

A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife...

They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".

My wife has told me she wants a divorce because there's another man. I hate to lose her…

…but I just love him more…

I like to sleep with a fan on me at night.

It's why I'm divorcing my wife to join a band

I now know why Jeff Bezos divorced with his wife...

He needed space.

My wife asked me for a divorce for Valentine's Day

I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.


My wife asked if I would divorce her if I won the lottery. I said no, of course.

With that kind of money, I could afford a hit man.

My wife asked me for a divorce today, citing that I was too "un-American".

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

A stock market crash is worse than a divorce.

You lose half your money and your wife is still around.

A couple is having a marriage counseling session.

The husband said my wife keeps referencing star wars! I cant take it anymore! And storms out of the room.

The wife replied divorce is strong with this one.

I just married again after a divorce...

It was a wife changing experience.

What did the jedi tell his ex wife?

May divorce be with you.

There were three friends...

There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.

The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."

The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."

The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."

Divorce

A a man in his 70's calls his son to tell him he and his mother are getting a divorce. "Dad, you can't do this! You're not thinking straight." The son calls his sister to talk about it, and she is in agreement; their parents cannot do this. "Dad, we're flying out there tomorrow. Do not sign any papers, contact any lawyers, or even thinking about going down to the courthouse." After the dad gets off the phone, he looks over at his wife and says, "It worked. They'll be here for Christmas and are paying their own airfare."

I got a divorce for my birthday.

When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.

We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.

I was sitting on the couch naked.

I divorced my wife and bought a horse...

I'm finally in a stable relationship.

My wife and I really should get a divorce, but we're staying together because of our kids

Neither of us want custody of those little brats...

My Dentist friend just divorced his wife who is a manicurist

All they did was fight tooth and nail

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with 'Star Wars'.

I said: May divorce be with you.

divorce

Wife to husband: I want a divorce. You always tell me I am fat.

Husband: Dont be crazy. What about our child ?

Wife: What ? What child ?

Husband: So you are not pregnant ??

My wife tried to take away my baby marijuana plants from me when we divorced

Thank god the court granted me joint custody

A man asks his wife: "Honey, what would you do if we won the lottery?"...

The wife replies: "Well, I would take half and divorce you."

"Oh, that's fine by me" the man replies "because we have won 24 Euro. Here is 12 Euro and now GTFO!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the divorced wife jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working divorced wife piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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