The Best 35 Divorced Husband Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Divorced Husband jokes. There are some divorced husband jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these divorced husband puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Divorced Husband Jokes and Puns

DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Husband: "I want a divorce...

My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"

Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."

So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...

"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

β€ŸOn what grounds?

β€ŸGrounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.

β€ŸNo, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?

β€ŸYes, we've a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.

^(getting exasperated) β€ŸDoes he beat you up?

β€ŸNo, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he does not get up until after I've left for work.

β€ŸWHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?

β€ŸWe just can't seem to communicate.


A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, Do you know her?

Yes, sighs the husband. She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.

My God! says the wife. Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

Wishes

A woman was walking on the beach when she spotted a lamp almost buried in the sand. She picked it up, dusted it off, and to her surprise a genie popped out.

"Thank you for releasing me from my thousand-year imprisonment! I will grant you the traditional three wishes as a reward. And since you are married, your husband will get double of whatever you wish for."

"But I hate my husband," the woman protested. "He cheated on me and spent all our money -- I've already filed for divorce."

The genie shrugged and told her it was genie law. "OK, whatever," she said, "Give me a hundred million dollars." *Poof!* There were stacks and stacks of newly minted $100 bills piled in front of her. "So, does that mean my husband has *two* hundred million now?"

"Yep," the genie said.

"OK... for my second wish, I want a 100,000 square foot mansion." *Poof!* There was a huge mansion right up on the bluff, and the deed was in her pocket. "So, does that mean my husband gets *two* mansions?"

"Yes indeed. Now, what would you like for your final wish?"

She thought about it for a minute, then snapped her fingers and said, "Genie -- scare me half to death!"

A couple is having a marriage counseling session.

The husband said my wife keeps referencing star wars! I cant take it anymore! And storms out of the room.

The wife replied divorce is strong with this one.

An elderly couple in their 90s go to a divorce lawyer.

They tell him they'd like to file for divorce. He looks at them and asks, "Why would you get a divorce at your age?" The husband replies, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead."

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."

A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.

Lawyer: "Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?"

Woman: "if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I'm not cooking for him for three days straight."

Lawyer: "Well is he beating you?"

Woman: "Him? I'd throw him through the window, with my left hand only"

Lawyer: "How about being faithful?"

Women: "That's where we get him! The second child is not from him."

You can explore divorced husband reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean divorced husband dad jokes. There are also divorced husband puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


divorce

Wife to husband: I want a divorce. You always tell me I am fat.

Husband: Dont be crazy. What about our child ?

Wife: What ? What child ?

Husband: So you are not pregnant ??

Reality Check

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.

Do you know her? the wife asks.

Yes, the husband says. She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.

My goodness! the wife says. Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

A recently divorced woman finds a magic lantern. The genie offers her 3 wishes but with one condition.

Every wish that is granted her will be doubled to her Ex-husband.

So to test the genie she makes her first wish for $10 million. Sure enough her Ex received $20 million.

Her 2nd wish is for 2 supermodel consorts. Again her Ex is graced with 4 supermodels to fulfill his every desire.

For her final wish she asks the genie for a MMA fighter to beat her half to death!

A blonde woman calls a divorce lawyer.

Lawyer: Why do you want a divorce?

Blonde: My husband's been cheating on me.

Lawyer: He's been cheating on you? What makes you say that?

Blonde: He isn't the father of my son.

Funny husband in court

A divorce court judge said to the husband, I have reviewed this case very carefully, and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week.

That's very fair, your honor, he replied. And every now and then, I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.

Religious differences

Judge: Why are you divorcing your wife?

Husband : We have major religious differences!

Judge: What are those differences??

Husband : She thinks she is God, I don't.

A recently divorced couple were in court

battling over the custody of their child.
The mother spoke first, ranting and raving about what a terrible father her ex husband had been.
The judge asks the father if he had any comments.
The father simply replied:

"If I place a quarter in a gum-ball machine, who get to keep the candy? Me or the gum-ball machine?"

Why did the cow get a divorce?

Because she couldn't take her husbands bullshit.


A couple are having marital difficulties,

...and the wife suggests they see a marriage counsellor.

At their first session the counsellor asks the couple to explain to each other how they feel about their marriage.

The wife says: We are at a crossroads. To the left is bitterness, resentment, divorce and a life of unhappiness. To the right is reconciliation, love and lifelong happiness.

The husband says: I think you'll find that's a T-junction.

Super Dave Seinfeld Joke

A woman is vary afraid of the size of her opening, so she goes to her mother asking what I'm going to do ...

I'm so big down there when I merry my man he's going to divorce me !

Mother says: Don't worry sweetheart, do what i do when i married your father, go to the market, get some raw liver and put it down there and he will never know the difference !

So she does that and had 8 hours of sex after her marriage. The morning after she wakes up she found a note from her husband under the pillow.

The note says: I love you darling, my heart beaten so hard last night I was afraid I was going to wake you up. Now I'm going to work so I can buy you a house, a car and all the stuff you want ! I can't wait to see you again after work !

P.S. - YOUR CUNT IS IN THE SINK !

A husband is divorcing his wife coz she poured glue all over his firearms...

He says "She denies it, but I am sticking to my guns"

My sister and her husband just split up, so I got my 8 year old niece the new "Divorce Barbie"

She comes with half of Ken's stuff.

"I gave my husband an empty Boston Cream donut, now he's filing for divorce" "What about your children?"

He wants full custardy.

Did you hear why the Quartz is divorcing her husband?

She says he took her for Granite

in india, muslim guy used to get divorce just bay saying the word 'talaq' 3 times. i found a joke based on it.

Wife: What I really hate about this house is the lack...

Husband: the lack....

Wife: the lack!

Husband: the lack?

Wife: yeah the lack of...

Husband: the lack o-

Wife: aye Dobby has no master. Dobby is a free elf

Husband: Damnnnnnn Fatima.

A husband and his wife went to a court so they could get divorced

Judge: You have three kids, how do you intend to split custody?

The husband and wife had a long conversation and said "Judge, we've decided to come back next year with an extra child"

Nine month's later the wife had twins.

A woman divorced her husband after he emptied a bowl of trifle over her head.

She got custardy.

My wife left me a note saying I want a divorce,

I'm already seeing someone, you're not a good husband and I can't deal with your nitpicking anymore.

So then I called her and said Nit-picking has a hyphen in the word.

How to get a millionaire husband

marry a billionaire man, then proceed to divorce him.

Wife: I want a divorce

Lawyer: Thats fine, just call him in here and tell him

*Husband comes in*

Wife: You act like a detective too much, lets split up

Husband: Good idea! We can cover more ground that way!

Old couple looking to divorce

Husband and wife both above 90 go to a lawyer looking for a divorce. They've been married for more than 60 years.



The lawyer does his best to try to discourage them but they won't budge, they are not happy with each other and they want their divorce. So the lawyer asked what made them wait this long?



"We were just waiting for the kids to die." said the woman.

Why did the Amish woman file for divorce?

Her husband was driving her buggy

How to get a divorce

Wife: Honey, how do I look?

Husband: Like a.. Well, great!

Wife: Good great or bad great?

Husband: Overflowing sewer grate.

What did the wife say as she divorced her impotent husband?

"No hard feelings."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the divorced husband jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working divorced husband piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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