Divorce Proceedings Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

A couple dies and goes to heaven

They are greeted at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. As they are being processed for admission they decide to ask Saint Peter if they can get married in heaven.


Saint peter tells them he will find out and get back to them. Finally, after 2 months he returns to the couple and tells them "yes, you can get married in heaven."



The couple then proceeds to ask him "what if it does not work out, can we also get a divorce?" To which Saint Peter tells them, "it took me 2 months to find you a priest, how long do you think it will take me to find you a lawyer?"

For you guitarists out there...

After going through a brutal divorce, a woman decides to get revenge. She goes to get ex's house, and proceeds to destroy each and every one of his guitars. When she gets to court, the judge asks her;

"First offender?"

She replies; "No. First a Gibson, then a Fender."

A Texan oil tycoon storms into his lawyers office...

Demanding that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.


"What's the problem?"


"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.


"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"


"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!

On his way home from work, a man realizes he has forgotten a birthday gift for his daughter...

He stops at Toys R Us and heads straight to the Barbies. Overwhelmed by all of his choices, he approaches a nearby sales associate. She then proceeds to show him their most popular Barbie dolls.

"Well, here we have Astronaut Barbie, Surfer Barbie, and Veterinarian Barbie... but our most popular doll by far is Divorced Barbie."

"Divorced Barbie? What makes her so popular? That seems like an odd choice..." the confused father replies.

The sales associate proceeded "Well, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture, and Ken's best friend."

If you are having sex with two women and a third woman walks in, what do you have?

Divorce proceedings, most likely

A woman has lived through an abusive relationship with her husband for 10 years.

The husband has beaten her many times over the course of their marriage. Finally, she decides to get a divorce. Everything goes through as normal, and soon she's on her own again. As she is leaving the courthouse, a stranger stops her, having overheard the proceedings.



"What do you want?" the lady asks him.



"I heard of your problems in marriage... let me give you a little piece of advice. If you decide to remarry, do it with a player from the Cleveland Browns," the stranger says.



"Why?



"Isn't it obvious? The Cleveland Browns don't beat anybody."

A lawyer walks into a bar...

Mr. Jones, the lawyer, walked into a bar. The bartender poured him a drink, then noticed Mr. Jones had a black eye. What happened to you? asked the bartender. You look like you've been in a fight.

It's been just an awful day at work, I tell you what. said Mr. Jones. I don't even work in workplace discrimination -- that's Mr. Baskett's specialty. Everyone knows I do divorce proceedings. But here comes this lady into my office, ranting till her face is blue about some boss of hers can't stop hiding under her desk to take a peek at her underwear. One day he's sneaking photos in the bathroom, next day he's leaving her love notes, the day after that he's following her home.

That's nuts, said the bartender. She must have been really upset.

She was!

Did you tell her she was in the wrong office?

I tried. Crazy bitch got me right in the eye, though. All I said was she seemed like a Baskett case.

How to get a millionaire husband

marry a billionaire man, then proceed to divorce him.

Divorce custody

A couples divorce proceedings are in progress, and the case of who gets custody of their 4 year old child gets raised.

The mother pleads her case: "I'm the mother, I carried her for 9 months so of course she should stay with me."

The father responds: "if I go to an ATM machine, and I insert my card, and money comes out, does the money belong to me or to the machine?"

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding.


He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses."
One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: "Mister, you'd better watch what you say. You're in horse country."

What are the funniest divorce proceedings jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Divorce Proceedings? Well, here are the best Divorce Proceedings puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Divorce Proceedings pick up lines to share with friends.

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