Divorce Parents Jokes
56 divorce parents jokes and hilarious divorce parents puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about divorce parents that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Divorce Parents Short Jokes
Short divorce parents jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The divorce parents humour may include short divorced parents jokes also.
- Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney world and the Simpsons. If they acquire my parent's divorce they will own my entire childhood.
- How are republicans and democrats like divorced parents? They care more about you hating the other person than they do about your well-being.
- What happened to Casper the friendly ghost after his parents got divorced? His mom got soul custody.
- At thirteen years old, my parents were divorced. A bit young to get married if you ask me.
- They say divorce is ruining marriage, but my wife's parents are still married... ...and so are my girlfriend's.
- My parents always told me that teamwork makes the dream work! I mean they're divorced now but it worked for a while
- After my parents got divorced my little sister gained a lot of weight I hope they don't make fun of her at school... She has enough on her plate.
- I guess my parents were secret agents all along. I heard they're getting a divorce because my dad got blown by the mailman.
- Therapist: do u blame yourself for your parents divorce Me: not really
Therapist [quietly while reading through notes]: you probably should - My parents just got divorced and are fighting over custody of me. Neither of them want me.
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Divorce Parents One Liners
Which divorce parents one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with divorce parents? I can suggest the ones about adoptive parents and divorce.
- Parents: Kids we are getting divorced.. Kids: Yayyy! Two Christmases!
- Your parents' divorce was so bad you had 3 Christmases.
- What does a child get when their parents get divorced a choice
- Parents Get Divorced.. Nobody wants custody.
- Your parents divorced And it was your fault.
- I caught Momma kissing Santa Claus Now my parents are divorced.
- Parents Get Divorced... No one wants him.
- What did the kid of the s**... parents get after the divorce? m**... possession
Divorce Parents Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about divorce parents you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean parents in law jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make divorce parents pranks.
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday.
My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... n**....
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday.
My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... n**....
Mama Raptor and Papa Raptor were in court getting a divorce and the judge offered Baby Raptor a choice of which parent to live with.
JUDGE: "Do you want to live with your mother?"
BABY RAPTOR: "No! She beats me."
JUDGE: "OK, then you can live with your father."
BABY RAPTOR: "No! He beats me too!"
JUDGE: "Well you have to live with someone. Who do you want to live with?"
BABY RAPTOR: "I want to live with my Aunt Bertha in Toronto."
JUDGE: "Is there any chance she'll beat you also?"
BABY RAPTOR: "No sir. The Toronto Raptors don't beat anybody."
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "
What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" and I felt really special. Then, she asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said: "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" and i replied ''Okay!'' She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends and my colleagues all yelling,, "SURPRISE!!!"
...while I was waiting on the sofa... n**...
Divorce
A a man in his 70's calls his son to tell him he and his mother are getting a divorce. "Dad, you can't do this! You're not thinking straight." The son calls his sister to talk about it, and she is in agreement; their parents cannot do this. "Dad, we're flying out there tomorrow. Do not sign any papers, contact any lawyers, or even thinking about going down to the courthouse." After the dad gets off the phone, he looks over at his wife and says, "It worked. They'll be here for Christmas and are paying their own airfare."
A Question of Communication
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?
She replied, "About four acres with a little home in the middle of the property."
"No," said the judge. "I mean, what is the foundation of this case?"
"It's made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle in town, as well as my husbands parents."
He said, "Do you have a grudge?"
"No," she replied. "Since we have a carport, we've never really needed one."
"Ma'am, has your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded. "About twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Madame, why do you want a divorce?"
"I've never wanted a divorce," the woman replied. "My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me."
Why I got divorced..........
Last wéek was my birthday.... My wife didnt wish me.... My parents forgot and so did my kids.... I went to work.... Even my colleagues didnt wish me.... As i entered my cabin my secretary said,"Happy Birthday Boss".... i felt so special.... She asked me out to lunch.... After lunch,she invited me to her apartment... WE went there.... She said,"Do you mind if i go into the bedroom for a minute ?" "OKAY",i said... She came out 5min later with a cake And My Wife, My Parents, My Kids ,My Friends & My Colleagues... All Screaming, SURPRISE.... And I was waiting on the sofa......in my birthday suit
There's 3 bears..
Mama bear, papa bear and baby bear.
The parents get divorced and have to go to court to decide custody of the baby bear. The judge decides to let the baby decide:
"do you want to go with your momma baby?"
Baby replies : " no because she beats me!"
Judge: " How about with your papa?"
Baby:" No he beats me too!"
Judge :"then what do you want to do baby bear?"
Baby: "I want to go with the Chicago bears"
Judge:" why the Chicago bears?"
Baby "Because they don't beat anyone!"
I'm from Chicago, a homeless guy told me this one on my way home from work because I have a bears patch on my bag. Found it funny but it hurt!
Poor Husband Hilarious Joke
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parentsforgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said,"Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... n**....
Why did i get Divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parentsforgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said,"Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... n**....
My friend and his girlfriend are looking for a girl to have a three-way with...
I told him to find someone whose parents are divorced. You want to find a girl who is comfortable ruining relationships.
Joke from Spain (forgive my English)
There was once a married couple that wanted a divorce, and they were arguing about who would keep the child.
"I birthed the child, therefore it's mine!" Says the wife.
"That's not true, you're not the mother!" Replies the husband.
"Oh, and I suppose you claim to be the real father then?" Says the wife.
"No, I actually don't know who the real parents are," replies the husband.
The wife is surprised at this and so asks what he means by that.
"Well," he replies, "when the child was born, while we were still in the hospital, you told me that the baby had pooped himself and you told me to change him while you rest."
"And?" She asks.
"And I did!"
Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"
Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"
John: "Nah, I was just a kid."
Therapist: "That wasn't a question. I see them twice a week."
Indian wedding
My girlfriend had to go to a wedding. I asked her whose wedding, and she told me that her friend, who is Indian, parents got divorced and now her dad is getting married for the second time. So asked her "Is it a rearranged marriage?"
Why did John get divorced?
Well, last week was his birthday. His wife didn't wish him a happy birthday. His parents forgot and so did his kids. He went to work and even his colleagues didn't wish him a happy birthday. As he entered his office, his secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" He felt so special. She asked him out for lunch. After lunch, she invited him to her apartment. They went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," He said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, his wife, his parents, his kids, his friends, & his colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while John was waiting on the sofa... n**...
This week I got divorced.
last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... n**....
waiting on the sofa... n**....
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... n**....
Parallel lines have so much in common...
Just like my parents, but they're still divorced.
A boy stands before a judge
His parents are divorcing, and the judge asks him to choose where to live.
Do you want to live with your dad? asks the judge.
No, because he beats me replies the boy.
Would you like to live with your mother?
No, she beats me too. I want to live with Eli Manning.
Confused, the judge asks Why do you want to live with Manning?
Because he doesn't beat anybody.
A messy divorce ends with deciding who gets custody of Billy
The judge asks Billy Who do you want to stay with?
Billy replies Neither of my parents because they both beat me every day
The courthouse is in shock and both parents are clearly embarrassed, so the judge proclaims Well you can stay with your aunt then.
Billy says again No she beats me too, and my older cousin and my grandparents, they all beat me!
The judge thinks over with his advisors and they decide that he should be taken care of by the Cleveland Browns, because they can't beat anyone.
My Parents are Divorcing and Went to Court
The judge asks me who I would want to live with. "I don't want to live with my dad because he beats me, but I don't want to live with my mom because she beats me too," I say. "Then who would you rather live with," the judge asks. "The Phoenix Suns, they never beat anybody".
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week it was my birthday, my wife didn't wish me a happy birthday, my kids didn't, and even my parents didn't even remember. I went to work and none of my colleagues nor my friends wished my a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, Happy birthday boss I felt so special. She invited me to lunch, then after lunch she invited me to my apartment. We went there and she said Do you mind if I go to the bedroom real quick? I said okay and 5 minutes later she comes out with a big birthday cake, my friends, my family, my kids my friends, and my colleagues all came out and yelled SURPRISE!!!! While I was laying on the sofa n**......
Why did the man get a divorce?
Why did the man get a divorce? Well, last week was the man's birthday. His wife didn't wish him a happy birthday. His kids and his parents forgot as well. He went to work and not even one of his colleagues wished him a happy birthday. As the man entered his office, his secretary said "Happy birthday, boss!" The man felt so special. She asked him out for lunch. After lunch, she invited him to her apartment. When they got there, she said "do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay" he said. She came out with a birthday cake, his wife, parents, kids, and colleagues all yelling "SURPRISE!" while he was waiting on the couch n**....
Mama Bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce
Mama bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce. The judge asks baby bear what parent he wants to live with.
Judge: Ok baby bear, do you want to live with your Mama?
Baby Bear: No, she beats me.
Judge: Ok how about your Papa?
Baby Bear: No he beats me even more...
Judge: Then who do you want to live with?
Baby Bear: I want to live with the Chicago Bears! They don't beat anyone!
My parents divorced when I was 9, and every other weekend my Dad would pick me up and take me to h**.......practically raised me there.
...so many good mammaries.
Are your parents divorced?
- No
- Oh, it's odd how that seems like a 50/50 nowadays, just like my parents custody
Why do some parents divorce after playing Overwatch?
Because it makes a widow out of them.
A little boy's parents were getting divorced and he was in front of the judge....
Well, little boy, I've decided you're going to live with your mother.
NOOOOOOOOO! Not my mom! She beats me!!!!! Screamed the kid.
Oh. That's terrible. Ok. Well, your father, then.
NOOOOOOO! Not my father! He beats me, too!
The judge was totally perplexed. He has never had this problem.
Well, son, who would you like to live with?
The NY JETS. They don't beat nobody.