Divorce Papers Jokes

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey.
Bartender: You look terrible. What's the matter?
Man: I just walked in on my wife having s**... with my best friend.
Bartender: That's terrible! How did you react?
Man: I threw her out of the house with all of her clothes and told her I'd be sending divorce papers in the morning.
Bartender: Good for you, that must have been difficult. What did you do to your best friend?
Man: I waved my finger at him and said bad dog!

You've Been Programming Too Long When...

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.

What doctors really thinking?

- This should be taken care of right away.

I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
- Welllllll, what have we here…?

He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
- Let me check your medical history.

I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
- We have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
- Let me schedule you for some tests.

I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
- I'd like to have my associate look at you.

He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
- I'd like to prescribe a new drug.

I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
- This may hurt a little.

Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
- This should fix you up.

The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
- I'd like to run some more tests.

I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
- There is a lot of that going around.

My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

A young, recently married Italian couple immigrates to New York...

...and after three months of marriage, the wife, Maria, presents the husband, Ernesto, with divorce papers. Lawyers get involved, and eventually they are sitting in a meeting with each other's lawyers.
Ernesto's lawyer asks Maria: Maria, why do you want to divorce Ernesto?
Maria says "Two reasons! One, he-a is always-a picking at-a his nose! Day and night! It's-a disgusting! And-a two, he-a never wants to make love with-a me on-a top! Always Ernesto on top! Why no Maria on top?!"
Ernesto's lawyer looks at Ernesto and asks him if he'd like to explain himself.
Ernesto clears his t**.... "Look-a. When we were a-leaving to a-come to this country, my papa takes-a me aside and he says, he says 'Ernesto, no matter whatta you do in America, keep your nose clean, and DON'T SCREW UP!"

Cynical Meanings

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Signs You're No Longer in College...
You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.
Your potted plants stay alive.
You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.
Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.
You attend parties that the police don't raid.
You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking.
You refer to college students as "those kids."
You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just beer, beer and beer.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza.
At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.
Naps are no longer weekday options.
Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.
Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips.
You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.