Divorce Jokes
172 divorce jokes and hilarious divorce puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about divorce that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Learn to laugh about divorce with these hilarious jokes about divorce, marriage and relationships. From cartoon depictions of divorce lawyers to jokes about remarrying your spouse and more, you'll be sure to get a good chuckle from these divorce jokes!
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Funniest Divorce Short Jokes
Short divorce jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The divorce humour may include short marriage jokes also.
- Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney world and the Simpsons. If they acquire my parent's divorce they will own my entire childhood.
- How did kim kardashian tell her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye? North, things between West and I have gone South.
- My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce.... We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
- Kim and Kanye's divorce is rough on their son, North West. It's like he's getting pulled in two different directions.
- my wife left me because i'm obssesed with africa kenya believe it?
and we have two kids together, this divorce is ghana be so hard on them - My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid. But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.
- Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie. 100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.
- Husband: "I want a divorce... My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"
Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find." - So Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise...
Apparently she found out that he'd been in A Few Good Men. - I divorced my wife because she was too loud in bed. I could hear her from two houses down the street.
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Divorce One Liners
Which divorce one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with divorce? I can suggest the ones about breakup and wedding.
- Bill and Melinda Gates woke up today and said... May divorce be with you.
- Jeff Bezos only got divorced because he realized his marriage was a union.
- If two white supremacists get a divorce... Do they still consider each other "cousins"?
- Why did the woman divorce the grape? She was tired of raisin' kids.
- What do you call a divorce lawyer's file cabinet? The Ex Files
- I lost 189 lbs in one week. By getting a divorce.
- I like to sleep with a fan on me at night. It's why I'm divorcing my wife to join a band
- Why isn't Darth Vader married? He is strong in divorce.
- I now know why Jeff Bezos divorced with his wife... He needed space.
- My Mexican wife divorced me. Now she's my Latinx
- What happens when two pastries divorce? They have a custardy battle
- I just married again after a divorce... It was a wife changing experience.
- Why are divorces so expensive? Because they're worth it.
- Why did yellow divorce Red? Because Red Blue Green
- The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order. I said alphabetically or by age
Filed Divorce Jokes
Here is a list of funny filed divorce jokes and even better filed divorce puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the polka musician’s wife file for divorce? She couldn’t handle all the band’s constant “in and out” motions!
- A Chinese man, who was less than proficient in the English language files for divorce. The judge asks what is the reason? He replies " me no come, she no come, but baby come, how come?".
- My wife said if I don't lose weight then she'll file for a divorce. Who wants to come over for a pizza tonight?
- why did the wife of the fish and chips fetishist file for divorce? she was sick of being a battered woman
- Kris Jenner has filed for divorce from Bruce Jenner... She is asking for publicity during this difficult time.
- The Court has decided Elon Musk will be Granted Sole Custody of Child X Æ A-12 After Divorce from Wife Grimes Since he filed for and was awarded the patent back in March of 2019
- After months of my wife buying organic foods in order to live healthier, today I made the big decision to change And filed for divorce
- "I gave my husband an empty Boston Cream donut, now he's filing for divorce" "What about your children?" He wants full custardy.
- Why did the janitor file for a divorce? He found his wife sweeping with someone else.
- Why did the Amish woman file for divorce? Her husband was driving her buggy
Divorce Lawyer Jokes
Here is a list of funny divorce lawyer jokes and even better divorce lawyer puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What starts with M, ends with E and can bring two people eternal happiness? Me, I'm a divorce lawyer
- My wife threw coffee remnants at me this morning My lawyer says I have grounds for divorce
- What did Melania Trump say to her divorce lawyers? Stand back and stand by
- I can successfully predict the winners of every divorce case. Here is the list: The lawyers.
- Divorce I consider myself pretty lucky in my divorce because we negotiated a 50-50 split of our assets. My wife got half, my lawyer got half.
- It took a year of hard work, but I lost over 200lbs! My lawyer was a huge help during the divorce.
- I used to tell a great divorce joke But her lawyer took the punchline.
- What costs you more the less you spend on it? A divorce lawyer.
- What is the cost of a good divorce lawyer? Far less than a bad one.
- What was the deal the coffee-addict lawyer offered potential clients? Grounds for divorce
Grounds Divorce Jokes
Here is a list of funny grounds divorce jokes and even better grounds divorce puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The tea and coffee are married, but the tea leaves. Does that give the coffee grounds for divorce?
- My X made the worst coffee. I thought it was grounds for divorce.
- My wife said she's leaving me because I keep making coffee without the filter. The judge agreed Apparently it's grounds for a divorce
- This morning, my buddy and his wife had a heated argument about coffee that got really serious It was grounds for divorce.
- My wife made decaf without telling me. That's grounds for divorce.
- I'm absolutely sick and tired of my wife not cleaning out the coffee machine after she's finished with it. Grounds for divorce.
- I'm starting up a local coffee shop and marketing it as an Ashley Madison meetup spot. I'm calling it Grounds for Divorce.
- What's the middle ground between a matriarchy and a patriarchy? A divorce.
- On what grounds did the wife divorce her husband when she found out he was having an affair with the leader of Cuba? Infidelity
- What did the coffee shop owner's wife say when she discovered he wasn't using Free Trade beans? "That's grounds for divorce!"
Divorce Papers Jokes
Here is a list of funny divorce papers jokes and even better divorce papers puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Lost 160 lbs recently... Finally signed the divorce papers
- I got rid of 300 unnecessary lbs after 6 months. The divorce papers are finalized today.
- Bob: can we fix it! His wife: no we cant bob, sign the divorce papers
- I got my wife the most expensive Valentine's gift... Divorce papers.
- So my wife came to me and yelled , We need to fix this relationship ASAP! I took action and I brought home divorce papers.
- Nothing says I love you like divorce papers.
- A Saudi man wanted to divorce his wife... She had one condition The papers to be submitted at the Embassy in Istanbul
- What do you get if you cross the head of scientology with divorce papers? Buried in the basement of scientology HQ for the past 10 years.
- Heard in a hospital waiting room. I only read the paper to look at the obituaries. If I am not there. I read the divorces and check for my name. I can then start my day.
- Buy passports,drivers licenses,ID cards,birth certificates,diplomas,Visas,SSN,Marriage certificates,divorce papers,US green cards
Divorce Parents Jokes
Here is a list of funny divorce parents jokes and even better divorce parents puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How are republicans and democrats like divorced parents? They care more about you hating the other person than they do about your well-being.
- What happened to Casper the friendly ghost after his parents got divorced? His mom got soul custody.
- At thirteen years old, my parents were divorced. A bit young to get married if you ask me.
- They say divorce is ruining marriage, but my wife's parents are still married... ...and so are my girlfriend's.
- My parents always told me that teamwork makes the dream work! I mean they're divorced now but it worked for a while
- After my parents got divorced my little sister gained a lot of weight I hope they don't make fun of her at school... She has enough on her plate.
- I guess my parents were secret agents all along. I heard they're getting a divorce because my dad got blown by the mailman.
- Therapist: do u blame yourself for your parents divorce Me: not really
Therapist [quietly while reading through notes]: you probably should - My parents just got divorced and are fighting over custody of me. Neither of them want me.
- Parents: Kids we are getting divorced.. Kids: Yayyy! Two Christmases!

Entertaining Divorce Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about divorce you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean infidelity jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make divorce pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an e**....
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
There were three friends...
There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.
The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."
The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."
The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."
whats the diffrence between a tornado and a divorce in the south?
nothing. sombodys losing a trailer!
I lost 130 pounds of useless fat!
Divorce is great!
Divorce
A a man in his 70's calls his son to tell him he and his mother are getting a divorce. "Dad, you can't do this! You're not thinking straight." The son calls his sister to talk about it, and she is in agreement; their parents cannot do this. "Dad, we're flying out there tomorrow. Do not sign any papers, contact any lawyers, or even thinking about going down to the courthouse." After the dad gets off the phone, he looks over at his wife and says, "It worked. They'll be here for Christmas and are paying their own airfare."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How To Lose 250 pounds of ugly fat in one day
Get a divorce.
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"
...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."
In the divorce court today
In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 17-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her.
He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got a divorce for my birthday.
When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.
We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.
I was sitting on the couch n**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Islamist advantage:
When you divorce your wife and remarry, you can still keep the same photo on your desk
A Chinese farmer tells a judge he wants a divorce...
So the judge asks him why. The farmer says, "I'm just a simple farmer, I never went to school, and I don't know very much. But I do know this: when I plant corn, I get corn; when I plant rice, I get rice; now when I plant Chinese boy and black boy comes out, something's wrong."
Why did the 2 stem cell researchers get a divorce?
Because they grew a part.
Why do horses have such a low divorce rate?
Because they're all in *stable* relationships!
a scallop fell in love with a clam...
and against everyone 's advice they got married. and six short months later sure enough they filed for divorce and went their separate ways. their problem was obvious to anyone who knew them. they were just two shellfish .
f Germany is the Fatherland and Russia is the Motherland , was the Second World War a divorce case?
What's better than winning the lottery?
Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man asks his wife: "Honey, what would you do if we won the lottery?"...
The wife replies: "Well, I would take half and divorce you."
"Oh, that's fine by me" the man replies "because we have won 24 Euro. Here is 12 Euro and now g**...!"
DIVORCED & DRUNK
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart.
Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?
Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.
Me: Divorce is strong with this one.
divorce
Wife to husband: I want a divorce. You always tell me I am fat.
Husband: Dont be crazy. What about our child ?
Wife: What ? What child ?
Husband: So you are not pregnant ??
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with 'Star Wars'.
I said: May divorce be with you.
Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"
Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"
John: "Nah, I was just a kid."
Therapist: "That wasn't a question. I see them twice a week."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Before I got divorced, I should have converted all my assets to jokes.
Because my ex couldn't ever take one.
A woman was shopping for her daughters birthday.
She asked the salss girl the price of some Barbie dolls. "This Barbie is $16.99," the girl said. "If you want something a little nicer, Malibu Barbie is $24.99. Or you can get Divorce Barbie for $169.99." "Why is Divorce Barbie so expensive" the mother asked. "Well," the sales girl said "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house and car."
After I got divorced, my former wife told me about a movie she gave 2 thumbs up that I should definitely take the kids to see.
I told her, "That wouldn't be appropriate. That movie is ex-rated"
Kudos to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie!
They really went out of their way to make their adoptive African children feel like a part of an authentic American family by getting a divorce.
What do a Florida hurricane, a Kansas tornado, and an Arkansas divorce have in common?
Some poor sap's gonna lose a trailer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...
"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"
My wife and I really should get a divorce, but we're staying together because of our kids
Neither of us want custody of those little brats...
For anyone who says "money cant buy you happiness"
You obviously have never paid for a divorce.
A couple dies and goes to heaven
They are greeted at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. As they are being processed for admission they decide to ask Saint Peter if they can get married in heaven.
Saint peter tells them he will find out and get back to them. Finally, after 2 months he returns to the couple and tells them "yes, you can get married in heaven."
The couple then proceeds to ask him "what if it does not work out, can we also get a divorce?" To which Saint Peter tells them, "it took me 2 months to find you a priest, how long do you think it will take me to find you a lawyer?"
My wife has told me she wants a divorce because there's another man. I hate to lose her…
…but I just love him more…
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm in the middle of a long and messy divorce and I've decided that s**... is the only way out…
Now all I need to do is talk her into it…
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked if I would divorce her if I won the lottery. I said no, of course.
With that kind of money, I could afford a hit man.
I got my student loans down from 100k to 50k overnight with this super easy life hack.
Divorce
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ex's meet after a month of divorce
ExHusband: Hey can i still think of you when i have s**... with my girlfriend?
ExWife: Why? Is it because im hotter than her?
ExHusband: Nope, i just wanna last longer.
Why was Obi Wan Kenobi fired from his job as a marriage guidance counsellor?
He kept telling people to "use divorce"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the m**......
The judges have started issuing joint custody
A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife...
They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".
An old Jewish couple, Harry and Sadie, were married for 35 years but never got along...
...One day around this time of year, he says to her, "So? I suppose you'll be wanting a Hanukkah present?"
She says to him, "Harry, I want a divorce."
Harry says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up
However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.
They're great at separating independent Clauses.
A friend of mine lost 200 pounds of excess fat and obsolete tissue in a matter of months.
Better still, he felt great about the divorce.
What did the jedi tell his ex wife?
May divorce be with you.
I divorced my wife and bought a horse...
I'm finally in a stable relationship.
I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0.
That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My five-year-old, everyone.
My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:
Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."
Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."
Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"
Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"
Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!"
Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore."
Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore."
I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a f**...).
Guys I finally did that thing with my wife that only married couples can do!
We got our divorce!
After 5 years of marriage, a couple filed for divorce.
The court was finalizing their divorce when the Judge looked to the couple and said; "You've got 3 kids, how will you divide them?"
The couple then had a long conversation between the two of them. "We'll be back after 1 year." They said.
9 months later, they had twins.
I learned a lot from my divorce.
Do you know they won't sell you a gun if you're crying?
A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."
‟On what grounds?
‟Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.
‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?
‟Yes, we've a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.
^(getting exasperated) ‟Does he beat you up?
‟No, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he does not get up until after I've left for work.
‟WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?
‟We just can't seem to communicate.
My wife asked me for a divorce today, citing that I was too "un-American".
I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
Why did Bill Gates' and Jeff Bezos' marriages both end in divorce?
Because they realized they were in a union.
So Bill Gates sends Melinda a Hotmail after the divorce.
"Let's get married again he writes.
What do you mean? she replies on MSN. We just got divorced! You said the marriage wasn't working! Why would you want to start everything up again?
That's always worked before he says.
Melinda announces that she is keeping her married name after the divorce, not reverting to her maiden name.
I guess that's what you call Gatekeeping
I was going to make a joke about Bill and Melinda Gates' divorce today, but I stopped myself...
It's not really PC
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I want a divorce" I told the judge. "All my wife does every night is go from bar to bar to bar.
"What is she doing that for?" Asked the judge.
"Fu***ng looking for me."
A hundred year old couple seeks a divorce.
A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they've been married for. 79 long years the woman replies. The man adds that they've been deeply unhappy and disinterested in each other for many decades.
The lawyer is a bit shocked and asks why after all this time have they chosen to get divorced.
The ancient couple exchange a glance and the man says well...we just thought we should wait till the children were dead.
An elderly couple in their 90s go to a divorce lawyer.
They tell him they'd like to file for divorce. He looks at them and asks, "Why would you get a divorce at your age?" The husband replies, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead."
What advice did Obi-Wan give Luke when Luke's marriage was falling apart?
Use divorce, Luke
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.
Lawyer: "Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?"
Woman: "if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I'm not cooking for him for three days straight."
Lawyer: "Well is he beating you?"
Woman: "Him? I'd throw him through the window, with my left hand only"
Lawyer: "How about being faithful?"
Women: "That's where we get him! The second child is not from him."
A couple is driving on a highway
A couple is driving on a highway when she says, I want a divorce. The man doesn't say anything, except speeds up the car.
I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you. The man doesn't say anything except speeds up to he car.
I want the house, the bank account, kids, and the dog. The man doesn't say anything excepts speeds up the car.
She says, Are you listening to me? Don't you want anything?
The man replies, No, I have everything I need.
Oh? And what's that?
Right before the car rams into a wall, he says, The airbag.
A couple aged 101 and 98 was about to get a divorce.
The judge sadly asks "Oh c'mon now, you've been married for 80 years, why did you decide to get a divorce?"
"I mean, sir..." said the woman "We actually wanted a divorce for a long time but did not want our children to get upset so waited for them to die"
Six Months
"I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his friend, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken with me for six months." Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is a stock market c**... worse than a divorce?
Because you lose half of your money but your wife is still there

