The Best 96 Divorce Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Divorce jokes. There are some divorce alimony jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these divorce divorce lawyer puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Divorce Jokes and Puns

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

There were three friends...

There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.

The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."

The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."

The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."

whats the diffrence between a tornado and a divorce in the south?

nothing. sombodys losing a trailer!

Divorce joke, whats the diffrence between a tornado and a divorce in the south?

I lost 130 pounds of useless fat!

Divorce is great!

Divorce

A a man in his 70's calls his son to tell him he and his mother are getting a divorce. "Dad, you can't do this! You're not thinking straight." The son calls his sister to talk about it, and she is in agreement; their parents cannot do this. "Dad, we're flying out there tomorrow. Do not sign any papers, contact any lawyers, or even thinking about going down to the courthouse." After the dad gets off the phone, he looks over at his wife and says, "It worked. They'll be here for Christmas and are paying their own airfare."


How To Lose 250 pounds of ugly fat in one day

Get a divorce.

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."

Divorce joke, "Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

In the divorce court today

In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 17-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her.

He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester.

I got a divorce for my birthday.

When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.

We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.

I was sitting on the couch naked.

Why did the woman divorce the grape?

She was tired of raisin' kids.

Why are divorces so expensive?

Because they're worth it.

You can explore divorce spousal reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean divorce marital dad jokes. There are also divorce puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A Chinese farmer tells a judge he wants a divorce...

So the judge asks him why. The farmer says, "I'm just a simple farmer, I never went to school, and I don't know very much. But I do know this: when I plant corn, I get corn; when I plant rice, I get rice; now when I plant Chinese boy and black boy comes out, something's wrong."

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child.

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child. The judge ask the woman why should you get the the kid and she is saying how she was in labor and held the child in her womb.. The judge says good argument now Mr. Jones your argument.. He sits there and thinks for a moment and says if you put a dollar in a coke machine is the coke yours or the machines?

I lost 189 lbs in one week.

By getting a divorce.

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

Why do horses have such a low divorce rate?

Because they're all in *stable* relationships!

Divorce joke, Why do horses have such a low divorce rate?

Why did Yellow divorce Red?

Because Red Blue Green

What's better than winning the lottery?

Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

A man asks his wife: "Honey, what would you do if we won the lottery?"...

The wife replies: "Well, I would take half and divorce you."

"Oh, that's fine by me" the man replies "because we have won 24 Euro. Here is 12 Euro and now GTFO!"


A father goes to a toy store...

And ask for a barbie for his daughter birthday

"are you looking for anything in special?"

"what do you have?"

"we have nurse Barbie for $40, Barbie Astronaut for $60, divorce Barbie for $300 "

"wait, why is divorce barbie so expensive?"

"Because it comes with kens house, kens car..."

My X made the worst coffee.

I thought it was grounds for divorce.

DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart.

Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?

Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.

Me: Divorce is strong with this one.

divorce

Wife to husband: I want a divorce. You always tell me I am fat.

Husband: Dont be crazy. What about our child ?

Wife: What ? What child ?

Husband: So you are not pregnant ??

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with 'Star Wars'.

I said: May divorce be with you.

A couple after a divorce are at court over who could keep the child.

So the mother goes:" i carried that child for 9 long months and gave birth to it under a lot of pain. I should keep it.

The judge asks the father if he has anything to add.

The father calmly replies:" let me explain this situation with a metaphor; if you walk up to a coca-cola machine, put in a dollar and a coke comes out, does the coke belong to you or the machine?"

A stock market crash is worse than a divorce.

You lose half your money and your wife is still around.

Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"

Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"

John: "Nah, I was just a kid."

Therapist: "That wasn't a question. I see them twice a week."

There are no divorce courts at the North Pole,

so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.

They're great for separating independent Clauses.

Before I got divorced, I should have converted all my assets to jokes.

Because my ex couldn't ever take one.

A woman was shopping for her daughters birthday.

She asked the salss girl the price of some Barbie dolls. "This Barbie is $16.99," the girl said. "If you want something a little nicer, Malibu Barbie is $24.99. Or you can get Divorce Barbie for $169.99." "Why is Divorce Barbie so expensive" the mother asked. "Well," the sales girl said "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house and car."

What happens when two pastries divorce?

They have a custardy battle

Kudos to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie!

They really went out of their way to make their adoptive African children feel like a part of an authentic American family by getting a divorce.

What do a Florida hurricane, a Kansas tornado, and an Arkansas divorce have in common?

Some poor sap's gonna lose a trailer.

In the middle of a really messy divorce, I decided suicide was the only option.

I just need to talk her into it now.

So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...

"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

My wife and I really should get a divorce, but we're staying together because of our kids

Neither of us want custody of those little brats...

I just married again after a divorce...

It was a wife changing experience.

What is the similarity between a tornado in Alabama, and a divorce in Alabama?

No matter how you look at it, somebody is losing a trailer.

For anyone who says "money cant buy you happiness"

You obviously have never paid for a divorce.

The tea and coffee are married, but the tea leaves.

Does that give the coffee grounds for divorce?

Who did Santa approach when he wanted to get a divorce?

The Semi colon. They're good at separating independent clauses.

A couple dies and goes to heaven

They are greeted at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. As they are being processed for admission they decide to ask Saint Peter if they can get married in heaven.

Saint peter tells them he will find out and get back to them. Finally, after 2 months he returns to the couple and tells them "yes, you can get married in heaven."

The couple then proceeds to ask him "what if it does not work out, can we also get a divorce?" To which Saint Peter tells them, "it took me 2 months to find you a priest, how long do you think it will take me to find you a lawyer?"

My wife has told me she wants a divorce because there's another man. I hate to lose her…

…but I just love him more…

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce....

We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

Husband: "I want a divorce...

My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"

Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."

I'm in the middle of a long and messy divorce and I've decided that suicide is the only way out…

Now all I need to do is talk her into it…

If two white supremacists get a divorce...

Do they still consider each other "cousins"?

My wife asked if I would divorce her if I won the lottery. I said no, of course.

With that kind of money, I could afford a hit man.

What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

Someone is losing a trailer.

Ex's meet after a month of divorce

ExHusband: Hey can i still think of you when i have sex with my girlfriend?

ExWife: Why? Is it because im hotter than her?

ExHusband: Nope, i just wanna last longer.

Why was Obi Wan Kenobi fired from his job as a marriage guidance counsellor?

He kept telling people to "use divorce"

Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the Marijuana...

The judges have started issuing joint custody

What starts with M, ends with E and can bring two people eternal happiness?

Me, I'm a divorce lawyer

A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife...

They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".

Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney World and the Simpsons.

If they acquire my parent's divorce they will own my entire childhood.

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

My wife asked me for a divorce for Valentine's Day

I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.

What did the jedi tell his ex wife?

May divorce be with you.

I divorced my wife and bought a horse...

I'm finally in a stable relationship.

I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0.

That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.

How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

We wouldn't know, the women always get to keep the house.

My five-year-old, everyone.

My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:

 

Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"

Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!"

Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore."

Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore."

 

I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a funeral).

What do a tornado, a hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common?

Somebody's gonna lose their trailer.

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.

I said alphabetically or by age

After 5 years of marriage, a couple filed for divorce.

The court was finalizing their divorce when the Judge looked to the couple and said; "You've got 3 kids, how will you divide them?"

The couple then had a long conversation between the two of them. "We'll be back after 1 year." They said.

9 months later, they had twins.

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

β€ŸOn what grounds?

β€ŸGrounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.

β€ŸNo, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?

β€ŸYes, we've a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.

^(getting exasperated) β€ŸDoes he beat you up?

β€ŸNo, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he does not get up until after I've left for work.

β€ŸWHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?

β€ŸWe just can't seem to communicate.

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

Clowns Divorce Joke

What's the roughest part of clown divorce?
The custardy battle.

How did Kim Kardashian tell her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye?

North, things between West and I have gone South.

My wife asked me for a divorce today, citing that I was too "un-American".

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

Bill and Melinda Gates woke up today and said...

May divorce be with you.

Why did Bill Gates' and Jeff Bezos' marriages both end in divorce?

Because they realized they were in a union.

Melinda announces that she is keeping her married name after the divorce, not reverting to her maiden name.

I guess that's what you call Gatekeeping

I was going to make a joke about Bill and Melinda Gates' divorce today, but I stopped myself...

It's not really PC

"I want a divorce" I told the judge. "All my wife does every night is go from bar to bar to bar.

"What is she doing that for?" Asked the judge.

"Fu***ng looking for me."

A hundred year old couple seeks a divorce.

A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they've been married for. 79 long years the woman replies. The man adds that they've been deeply unhappy and disinterested in each other for many decades.

The lawyer is a bit shocked and asks why after all this time have they chosen to get divorced.

The ancient couple exchange a glance and the man says well...we just thought we should wait till the children were dead.

An elderly couple in their 90s go to a divorce lawyer.

They tell him they'd like to file for divorce. He looks at them and asks, "Why would you get a divorce at your age?" The husband replies, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead."

What advice did Obi-Wan give Luke when Luke's marriage was falling apart?

Use divorce, Luke

A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.

Lawyer: "Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?"

Woman: "if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I'm not cooking for him for three days straight."

Lawyer: "Well is he beating you?"

Woman: "Him? I'd throw him through the window, with my left hand only"

Lawyer: "How about being faithful?"

Women: "That's where we get him! The second child is not from him."

A couple aged 101 and 98 was about to get a divorce.

The judge sadly asks "Oh c'mon now, you've been married for 80 years, why did you decide to get a divorce?"

"I mean, sir..." said the woman "We actually wanted a divorce for a long time but did not want our children to get upset so waited for them to die"

TIL people who are color blind have the highest rates of divorce.

They can't see the red flags.

A couple is having a marriage counseling session.

The husband said my wife keeps referencing star wars! I cant take it anymore! And storms out of the room.

The wife replied divorce is strong with this one.

Why is a stock market crash worse than a divorce?

Because you lose half of your money but your wife is still there

What do you call a divorce lawyer's file cabinet?

The Ex Files

Hear about the stoner who's getting a divorce?

Yeah he's fighting for joint custody.

Kim and Kanye's divorce is rough on their son, North West.

It's like he's getting pulled in two different directions.

Wife joke….

"That's it, I'm getting a divorce. Every single night my wife goes out going from pub to pub all across the town. She literally goes to every single one some nights. I can't take it anymore".


"What is she doing?"


"She's looking for me!"

Funny husband in court

A divorce court judge said to the husband, I have reviewed this case very carefully, and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week.

That's very fair, your honor, he replied. And every now and then, I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.

why do divorces cost so much?

Because they are worth it.

"I gave my husband an empty Boston Cream donut, now he's filing for divorce" "What about your children?"

He wants full custardy.

Why did D divorce E?

Because E, F, G

Why did dad divorce mom after hiking Mt. Everest?

Mom got frostbite, and had toes amputated.

Dad's lack-toes-intolerant.

Why isn't Darth Vader married?

He is strong in divorce.

Did you read The Indian In The Cupboard as a kid?

I text my wife my musing about his tribe. Do you think he was a plAZTEC Indian?

We finalize the divorce paperwork tomorrow she says.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the divorce divorce proceedings jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working divorce divorced virgin piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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