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Divorce Jokes

162 divorce jokes and hilarious divorce puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about divorce that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Learn to laugh about divorce with these hilarious jokes about divorce, marriage and relationships. From cartoon depictions of divorce lawyers to jokes about remarrying your spouse and more, you'll be sure to get a good chuckle from these divorce jokes!

Funniest Divorce Short Jokes

Short divorce jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The divorce humour may include short marriage jokes also.

  1. Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney world and the Simpsons. If they acquire my parent's divorce they will own my entire childhood.
  2. How did kim kardashian tell her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye? North, things between West and I have gone South.
  3. My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce.... We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
  4. Kim and Kanye's divorce is rough on their son, North West. It's like he's getting pulled in two different directions.
  5. my wife left me because i'm obssesed with africa kenya believe it?
    and we have two kids together, this divorce is ghana be so hard on them
  6. My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid. But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.
  7. How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.
  8. Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie. 100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.
  9. There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.
    They're great for separating independent Clauses.
  10. Husband: "I want a divorce... My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"
    Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."

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Divorce One Liners

Which divorce one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with divorce? I can suggest the ones about breakup and wedding.

  1. Bill and Melinda Gates woke up today and said... May divorce be with you.
  2. Jeff Bezos only got divorced because he realized his marriage was a union.
  3. If two white supremacists get a divorce... Do they still consider each other "cousins"?
  4. What do you call a man who's lost 75% of his brain capacity? Divorced.
  5. Why did the woman divorce the grape? She was tired of raisin' kids.
  6. What do you call a divorce lawyer's file cabinet? The Ex Files
  7. I lost 189 lbs in one week. By getting a divorce.
  8. I like to sleep with a fan on me at night. It's why I'm divorcing my wife to join a band
  9. Why isn't Darth Vader married? He is strong in divorce.
  10. I now know why Jeff Bezos divorced with his wife... He needed space.
  11. My Mexican wife divorced me. Now she's my Latinx
  12. What happens when two pastries divorce? They have a custardy battle
  13. I just married again after a divorce... It was a wife changing experience.
  14. Why are divorces so expensive? Because they're worth it.
  15. You know why cannibals don't eat divorced women? They're bitter.
    — Garrison Keillor

Divorce Husband Jokes

Here is a list of funny divorce husband jokes and even better divorce husband puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • divorce Wife to husband: I want a divorce. You always tell me I am fat.
    Husband: Dont be crazy. What about our child ?
    Wife: What ? What child ?
    Husband: So you are not pregnant ??
  • Religious differences Judge: Why are you divorcing your wife?
    Husband : We have major religious differences!
    Judge: What are those differences??
    Husband : She thinks she is God, I don't.
  • A husband is divorcing his wife coz she poured glue all over his firearms... He says "She denies it, but I am sticking to my guns"
  • My sister and her husband just split up, so I got my 8 year old niece the new "Divorce Barbie" She comes with half of Ken's stuff.
  • "I gave my husband an empty Boston Cream donut, now he's filing for divorce" "What about your children?" He wants full custardy.
  • Did you hear why the Quartz is divorcing her husband? She says he took her for Granite
  • A woman divorced her husband after he emptied a bowl of trifle over her head. She got custardy.
  • How to get a millionaire husband marry a billionaire man, then proceed to divorce him.
  • Why did the Amish woman file for divorce? Her husband was driving her buggy
  • How to get a divorce Wife: Honey, how do I look?
    Husband: Like a.. Well, great!
    Wife: Good great or bad great?
    Husband: Overflowing sewer grate.

Divorce Parents Jokes

Here is a list of funny divorce parents jokes and even better divorce parents puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How are republicans and democrats like divorced parents? They care more about you hating the other person than they do about your well-being.
  • What happened to Casper the friendly ghost after his parents got divorced? His mom got soul custody.
  • At thirteen years old, my parents were divorced. A bit young to get married if you ask me.
  • They say divorce is ruining marriage, but my wife's parents are still married... ...and so are my girlfriend's.
  • My parents always told me that teamwork makes the dream work! I mean they're divorced now but it worked for a while
  • After my parents got divorced my little sister gained a lot of weight I hope they don't make fun of her at school... She has enough on her plate.
  • I guess my parents were secret agents all along. I heard they're getting a divorce because my dad got blown by the mailman.
  • Therapist: do u blame yourself for your parents divorce Me: not really
    Therapist [quietly while reading through notes]: you probably should
  • My parents just got divorced and are fighting over custody of me. Neither of them want me.
  • Parents: Kids we are getting divorced.. Kids: Yayyy! Two Christmases!
Divorce joke, Parents: Kids we are getting divorced..

Filed Divorce Jokes

Here is a list of funny filed divorce jokes and even better filed divorce puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why did the polka musician’s wife file for divorce? She couldn’t handle all the band’s constant “in and out” motions!
  • A Chinese man, who was less than proficient in the English language files for divorce. The judge asks what is the reason? He replies " me no come, she no come, but baby come, how come?".
  • A 95 year old man and a 93 year old woman file for divorce. Lawyer: Why divorce now after all this time together?
    Woman: We wanted to wait until the kids were dead.
  • My wife said if I don't lose weight then she'll file for a divorce. Who wants to come over for a pizza tonight?
  • why did the wife of the fish and chips fetishist file for divorce? she was sick of being a battered woman
  • My wife filed for divorce because I am a weather reporter. That was not what I predicted
  • Kris Jenner has filed for divorce from Bruce Jenner... She is asking for publicity during this difficult time.
  • The Court has decided Elon Musk will be Granted Sole Custody of Child X Æ A-12 After Divorce from Wife Grimes Since he filed for and was awarded the patent back in March of 2019
  • After months of my wife buying organic foods in order to live healthier, today I made the big decision to change And filed for divorce
  • Why did the janitor file for a divorce? He found his wife sweeping with someone else.

Divorce Lawyer Jokes

Here is a list of funny divorce lawyer jokes and even better divorce lawyer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What starts with M, ends with E and can bring two people eternal happiness? Me, I'm a divorce lawyer
  • The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order. I said alphabetically or by age
  • My wife threw coffee remnants at me this morning My lawyer says I have grounds for divorce
  • What did Melania Trump say to her divorce lawyers? Stand back and stand by
  • I can successfully predict the winners of every divorce case. Here is the list: The lawyers.
  • Divorce I consider myself pretty lucky in my divorce because we negotiated a 50-50 split of our assets. My wife got half, my lawyer got half.
  • It took a year of hard work, but I lost over 200lbs! My lawyer was a huge help during the divorce.
  • I used to tell a great divorce joke But her lawyer took the punchline.
  • What costs you more the less you spend on it? A divorce lawyer.
  • What is the cost of a good divorce lawyer? Far less than a bad one.
Divorce joke, What is the cost of a good divorce lawyer?

Entertaining Divorce Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone

What funny jokes about divorce you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean infidelity jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make divorce pranks.

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an e**....

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

There were three friends...

There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.
The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."
The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."
The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."

whats the diffrence between a tornado and a divorce in the south?

nothing. sombodys losing a trailer!

Divorce

A a man in his 70's calls his son to tell him he and his mother are getting a divorce. "Dad, you can't do this! You're not thinking straight." The son calls his sister to talk about it, and she is in agreement; their parents cannot do this. "Dad, we're flying out there tomorrow. Do not sign any papers, contact any lawyers, or even thinking about going down to the courthouse." After the dad gets off the phone, he looks over at his wife and says, "It worked. They'll be here for Christmas and are paying their own airfare."

How To Lose 250 pounds of ugly fat in one day

Get a divorce.

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."

In the divorce court today

In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 17-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her.
He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester.

I got a divorce for my birthday.

When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.
We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.
I was sitting on the couch n**....

A Chinese farmer tells a judge he wants a divorce...

So the judge asks him why. The farmer says, "I'm just a simple farmer, I never went to school, and I don't know very much. But I do know this: when I plant corn, I get corn; when I plant rice, I get rice; now when I plant Chinese boy and black boy comes out, something's wrong."

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child.

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child. The judge ask the woman why should you get the the kid and she is saying how she was in labor and held the child in her w**..... The judge says good argument now Mr. Jones your argument.. He sits there and thinks for a moment and says if you put a dollar in a coke machine is the coke yours or the machines?

Why do horses have such a low divorce rate?

Because they're all in *stable* relationships!

Why did yellow divorce Red?

Because Red Blue Green

What's better than winning the lottery?

Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

A father goes to a toy store...

And ask for a barbie for his daughter birthday
"are you looking for anything in special?"
"what do you have?"
"we have nurse Barbie for $40, Barbie Astronaut for $60, divorce Barbie for $300 "
"wait, why is divorce barbie so expensive?"
"Because it comes with kens house, kens car..."

My X made the worst coffee.

I thought it was grounds for divorce.

DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart.

Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?
Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.
Me: Divorce is strong with this one.

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with 'Star Wars'.

I said: May divorce be with you.

A couple after a divorce are at court over who could keep the child.

So the mother goes:" i carried that child for 9 long months and gave birth to it under a lot of pain. I should keep it.
The judge asks the father if he has anything to add.
The father calmly replies:" let me explain this situation with a metaphor; if you walk up to a coca-cola machine, put in a dollar and a coke comes out, does the coke belong to you or the machine?"

A stock market c**... is worse than a divorce.

You lose half your money and your wife is still around.

Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"

Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"
John: "Nah, I was just a kid."
Therapist: "That wasn't a question. I see them twice a week."

Before I got divorced, I should have converted all my assets to jokes.

Because my ex couldn't ever take one.

A woman was shopping for her daughters birthday.

She asked the salss girl the price of some Barbie dolls. "This Barbie is $16.99," the girl said. "If you want something a little nicer, Malibu Barbie is $24.99. Or you can get Divorce Barbie for $169.99." "Why is Divorce Barbie so expensive" the mother asked. "Well," the sales girl said "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house and car."

What do a Florida hurricane, a Kansas tornado, and an Arkansas divorce have in common?

Some poor sap's gonna lose a trailer.

In the middle of a really messy divorce, I decided s**... was the only option.

I just need to talk her into it now.

So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...

"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

My wife and I really should get a divorce, but we're staying together because of our kids

Neither of us want custody of those little brats...

What is the similarity between a tornado in Alabama, and a divorce in Alabama?

No matter how you look at it, somebody is losing a trailer.

For anyone who says "money cant buy you happiness"

You obviously have never paid for a divorce.

The tea and coffee are married, but the tea leaves.

Does that give the coffee grounds for divorce?

Who did Santa approach when he wanted to get a divorce?

The Semi colon. They're good at separating independent clauses.

A couple dies and goes to heaven

They are greeted at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. As they are being processed for admission they decide to ask Saint Peter if they can get married in heaven.
Saint peter tells them he will find out and get back to them. Finally, after 2 months he returns to the couple and tells them "yes, you can get married in heaven."
The couple then proceeds to ask him "what if it does not work out, can we also get a divorce?" To which Saint Peter tells them, "it took me 2 months to find you a priest, how long do you think it will take me to find you a lawyer?"

My wife has told me she wants a divorce because there's another man. I hate to lose her…

…but I just love him more…

I'm in the middle of a long and messy divorce and I've decided that s**... is the only way out…

Now all I need to do is talk her into it…

My wife asked if I would divorce her if I won the lottery. I said no, of course.

With that kind of money, I could afford a hit man.

What do a tornado and a r**... divorce have in common?

Someone is losing a trailer.

Ex's meet after a month of divorce

ExHusband: Hey can i still think of you when i have s**... with my girlfriend?
ExWife: Why? Is it because im hotter than her?
ExHusband: Nope, i just wanna last longer.

Why was Obi Wan Kenobi fired from his job as a marriage guidance counsellor?

He kept telling people to "use divorce"

Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the m**......

The judges have started issuing joint custody

A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife...

They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.
They're great at separating independent Clauses.

My wife asked me for a divorce for Valentine's Day

I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.

What did the jedi tell his ex wife?

May divorce be with you.

I divorced my wife and bought a horse...

I'm finally in a stable relationship.

I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0.

That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.

How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

We wouldn't know, the women always get to keep the house.

My five-year-old, everyone.

My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:
 
Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."
Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."
Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"
Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"
Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!"
Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore."
Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore."
 
I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a f**...).

What do a tornado, a hurricane, and a r**... divorce have in common?

Somebody's gonna lose their trailer.

After 5 years of marriage, a couple filed for divorce.

The court was finalizing their divorce when the Judge looked to the couple and said; "You've got 3 kids, how will you divide them?"
The couple then had a long conversation between the two of them. "We'll be back after 1 year." They said.
9 months later, they had twins.

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?
‟Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.
‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?
‟Yes, we've a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.
^(getting exasperated) ‟Does he beat you up?
‟No, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he does not get up until after I've left for work.
‟WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?
‟We just can't seem to communicate.

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

Clowns Divorce Joke

What's the roughest part of clown divorce?
The custardy battle.

My wife asked me for a divorce today, citing that I was too "un-American".

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

Why did Bill Gates' and Jeff Bezos' marriages both end in divorce?

Because they realized they were in a union.

Melinda announces that she is keeping her married name after the divorce, not reverting to her maiden name.

I guess that's what you call Gatekeeping

I was going to make a joke about Bill and Melinda Gates' divorce today, but I stopped myself...

It's not really PC

"I want a divorce" I told the judge. "All my wife does every night is go from bar to bar to bar.

"What is she doing that for?" Asked the judge.
"Fu***ng looking for me."

A hundred year old couple seeks a divorce.

A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they've been married for. 79 long years the woman replies. The man adds that they've been deeply unhappy and disinterested in each other for many decades.
The lawyer is a bit shocked and asks why after all this time have they chosen to get divorced.
The ancient couple exchange a glance and the man says well...we just thought we should wait till the children were dead.

An elderly couple in their 90s go to a divorce lawyer.

They tell him they'd like to file for divorce. He looks at them and asks, "Why would you get a divorce at your age?" The husband replies, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead."

What advice did Obi-Wan give Luke when Luke's marriage was falling apart?

Use divorce, Luke

A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.

Lawyer: "Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?"
Woman: "if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I'm not cooking for him for three days straight."
Lawyer: "Well is he beating you?"
Woman: "Him? I'd throw him through the window, with my left hand only"
Lawyer: "How about being faithful?"
Women: "That's where we get him! The second child is not from him."

A couple aged 101 and 98 was about to get a divorce.

The judge sadly asks "Oh c'mon now, you've been married for 80 years, why did you decide to get a divorce?"
"I mean, sir..." said the woman "We actually wanted a divorce for a long time but did not want our children to get upset so waited for them to die"

TIL people who are color blind have the highest rates of divorce.

They can't see the red flags.

A couple is having a marriage counseling session.

The husband said my wife keeps referencing star wars! I cant take it anymore! And storms out of the room.
The wife replied divorce is strong with this one.

Why is a stock market c**... worse than a divorce?

Because you lose half of your money but your wife is still there

Hear about the s**... who's getting a divorce?

Yeah he's fighting for joint custody.

Divorce joke, Hear about the s**... who's getting a divorce?

jokes about divorce