Entertaining Divorce Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an e**....
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
There were three friends...
There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.
The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."
The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."
The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."
Divorce
A a man in his 70's calls his son to tell him he and his mother are getting a divorce. "Dad, you can't do this! You're not thinking straight." The son calls his sister to talk about it, and she is in agreement; their parents cannot do this. "Dad, we're flying out there tomorrow. Do not sign any papers, contact any lawyers, or even thinking about going down to the courthouse." After the dad gets off the phone, he looks over at his wife and says, "It worked. They'll be here for Christmas and are paying their own airfare."
How To Lose 250 pounds of ugly fat in one day
Get a divorce.
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"
...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."
In the divorce court today
In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 17-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her.
He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester.
I got a divorce for my birthday.
When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.
We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.
I was sitting on the couch n**....
Why did the woman divorce the grape?
She was tired of raisin' kids.
Why are divorces so expensive?
Because they're worth it.
So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child.
So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child. The judge ask the woman why should you get the the kid and she is saying how she was in labor and held the child in her w**..... The judge says good argument now Mr. Jones your argument.. He sits there and thinks for a moment and says if you put a dollar in a coke machine is the coke yours or the machines?
I lost 189 lbs in one week.
By getting a divorce.
You can explore divorce spousal reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean divorce marital dad jokes. There are also divorce puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They never get to keep the house.
Why do horses have such a low divorce rate?
Because they're all in *stable* relationships!
Why did Yellow divorce Red?
Because Red Blue Green
What's better than winning the lottery?
Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.
A father goes to a toy store...
And ask for a barbie for his daughter birthday
"are you looking for anything in special?"
"what do you have?"
"we have nurse Barbie for $40, Barbie Astronaut for $60, divorce Barbie for $300 "
"wait, why is divorce barbie so expensive?"
"Because it comes with kens house, kens car..."
My X made the worst coffee.
I thought it was grounds for divorce.
DIVORCED & DRUNK
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart.
Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?
Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.
Me: Divorce is strong with this one.
A stock market c**... is worse than a divorce.
You lose half your money and your wife is still around.
Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"
Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"
John: "Nah, I was just a kid."
Therapist: "That wasn't a question. I see them twice a week."
There are no divorce courts at the North Pole,
so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.
They're great for separating independent Clauses.
Before I got divorced, I should have converted all my assets to jokes.
Because my ex couldn't ever take one.
A woman was shopping for her daughters birthday.
She asked the salss girl the price of some Barbie dolls. "This Barbie is $16.99," the girl said. "If you want something a little nicer, Malibu Barbie is $24.99. Or you can get Divorce Barbie for $169.99." "Why is Divorce Barbie so expensive" the mother asked. "Well," the sales girl said "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house and car."
What happens when two pastries divorce?
They have a custardy battle
What do a Florida hurricane, a Kansas tornado, and an Arkansas divorce have in common?
Some poor sap's gonna lose a trailer.
In the middle of a really messy divorce, I decided s**... was the only option.
I just need to talk her into it now.
So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...
"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"
I just married again after a divorce...
It was a wife changing experience.
What is the similarity between a tornado in Alabama, and a divorce in Alabama?
No matter how you look at it, somebody is losing a trailer.
For anyone who says "money cant buy you happiness"
You obviously have never paid for a divorce.
The tea and coffee are married, but the tea leaves.
Does that give the coffee grounds for divorce?
Who did Santa approach when he wanted to get a divorce?
The Semi colon. They're good at separating independent clauses.
A couple dies and goes to heaven
They are greeted at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. As they are being processed for admission they decide to ask Saint Peter if they can get married in heaven.
Saint peter tells them he will find out and get back to them. Finally, after 2 months he returns to the couple and tells them "yes, you can get married in heaven."
The couple then proceeds to ask him "what if it does not work out, can we also get a divorce?" To which Saint Peter tells them, "it took me 2 months to find you a priest, how long do you think it will take me to find you a lawyer?"
My wife has told me she wants a divorce because there's another man. I hate to lose her…
…but I just love him more…
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce....
We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
Husband: "I want a divorce...
My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"
Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."
I'm in the middle of a long and messy divorce and I've decided that s**... is the only way out…
Now all I need to do is talk her into it…
If two white supremacists get a divorce...
Do they still consider each other "cousins"?
My wife asked if I would divorce her if I won the lottery. I said no, of course.
With that kind of money, I could afford a hit man.
What do a tornado and a r**... divorce have in common?
Someone is losing a trailer.
Ex's meet after a month of divorce
ExHusband: Hey can i still think of you when i have s**... with my girlfriend?
ExWife: Why? Is it because im hotter than her?
ExHusband: Nope, i just wanna last longer.
Why was Obi Wan Kenobi fired from his job as a marriage guidance counsellor?
He kept telling people to "use divorce"
Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the m**......
The judges have started issuing joint custody
What starts with M, ends with E and can bring two people eternal happiness?
Me, I'm a divorce lawyer
A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife...
They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".
Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney World and the Simpsons.
If they acquire my parent's divorce they will own my entire childhood.
Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up
However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.
They're great at separating independent Clauses.
My wife asked me for a divorce for Valentine's Day
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
What did the jedi tell his ex wife?
May divorce be with you.
I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0.
That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.
How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
We wouldn't know, the women always get to keep the house.
My five-year-old, everyone.
My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:
Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."
Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."
Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"
Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"
Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!"
Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore."
Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore."
I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a f**...).
What do a tornado, a hurricane, and a r**... divorce have in common?
Somebody's gonna lose their trailer.
My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.
But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said alphabetically or by age
After 5 years of marriage, a couple filed for divorce.
The court was finalizing their divorce when the Judge looked to the couple and said; "You've got 3 kids, how will you divide them?"
The couple then had a long conversation between the two of them. "We'll be back after 1 year." They said.
9 months later, they had twins.
A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."
‟On what grounds?
‟Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.
‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?
‟Yes, we've a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.
^(getting exasperated) ‟Does he beat you up?
‟No, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he does not get up until after I've left for work.
‟WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?
‟We just can't seem to communicate.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff...
Clowns Divorce Joke
What's the roughest part of clown divorce?
The custardy battle.
How did Kim Kardashian tell her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye?
North, things between West and I have gone South.
My wife asked me for a divorce today, citing that I was too "un-American".
I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
Bill and Melinda Gates woke up today and said...
May divorce be with you.
Why did Bill Gates' and Jeff Bezos' marriages both end in divorce?
Because they realized they were in a union.
Melinda announces that she is keeping her married name after the divorce, not reverting to her maiden name.
I guess that's what you call Gatekeeping
"I want a divorce" I told the judge. "All my wife does every night is go from bar to bar to bar.
"What is she doing that for?" Asked the judge.
"Fu***ng looking for me."
A hundred year old couple seeks a divorce.
A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they've been married for. 79 long years the woman replies. The man adds that they've been deeply unhappy and disinterested in each other for many decades.
The lawyer is a bit shocked and asks why after all this time have they chosen to get divorced.
The ancient couple exchange a glance and the man says well...we just thought we should wait till the children were dead.
An elderly couple in their 90s go to a divorce lawyer.
They tell him they'd like to file for divorce. He looks at them and asks, "Why would you get a divorce at your age?" The husband replies, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead."
What advice did Obi-Wan give Luke when Luke's marriage was falling apart?
Use divorce, Luke
A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.
Lawyer: "Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?"
Woman: "if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I'm not cooking for him for three days straight."
Lawyer: "Well is he beating you?"
Woman: "Him? I'd throw him through the window, with my left hand only"
Lawyer: "How about being faithful?"
Women: "That's where we get him! The second child is not from him."
A couple aged 101 and 98 was about to get a divorce.
The judge sadly asks "Oh c'mon now, you've been married for 80 years, why did you decide to get a divorce?"
"I mean, sir..." said the woman "We actually wanted a divorce for a long time but did not want our children to get upset so waited for them to die"
TIL people who are color blind have the highest rates of divorce.
They can't see the red flags.
A couple is having a marriage counseling session.
The husband said my wife keeps referencing star wars! I cant take it anymore! And storms out of the room.
The wife replied divorce is strong with this one.
Why is a stock market c**... worse than a divorce?
Because you lose half of your money but your wife is still there
What do you call a divorce lawyer's file cabinet?
The Ex Files
Hear about the s**... who's getting a divorce?
Yeah he's fighting for joint custody.
Kim and Kanye's divorce is rough on their son, North West.
It's like he's getting pulled in two different directions.
Why did dad divorce mom after hiking Mt. Everest?
Mom got frostbite, and had toes amputated.
Dad's lack-toes-intolerant.
Why isn't Darth Vader married?
He is strong in divorce.
Me to Wife: "Boy, it sure is muggy outside."
Wife: "If I go outside and all of our mugs are sitting on the front porch, we're getting a divorce."
Me: *quietly sips coffee from a bowl.*
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:
"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"
..... HE WON !!
A couple who were making wedding preparations die in a traffic accident.
When they arrive at heaven, the man finds an angel and explains the situation, asking if they could arrange a wedding in heaven or not.
-Let me have a look, the angel says.
After a few months, it comes back to the couple and tells them:
-Everything's set, you guys can marry.
The bride asks:
-What if we cannot get along and want to divorce, can you arrange that too?
The angel roars in rage:
-IT TOOK ME 4 MONTHS TO FIND A PRIEST IN HERE, HOW MANY MORE DO I NEED TO FIND A LAWYER DO YOU THINK?
my wife left me because i'm obssesed with africa
kenya believe it?
and we have two kids together, this divorce is ghana be so hard on them
A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven
They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him Can we get married in heaven?
St. Peter says Hold on, I'll check.
The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says Yes, you can get married in heaven.
The couple then asks What about a divorce?
St. Peter replies I just spent 3 days finding a minister. Do you have any idea how long it's gonna take to find a lawyer?
44% of Marriages end in divorce.
That means 56% of marriages are fatal.
I love statistics.
A man stood outside of his house after a bitter divorce and he noticed a crate of beer bottles.
He took out an empty bottle and smashed it onto the wall swearing, "you are the reason I don't have a wife.
He smashed the second bottle, "you are the reason I don't have children".
He smashed the third bottle, "you are the reason I don't have a job".
When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and full of beer and he said to the bottle, "you stand aside, I know you were not involved".
A guy wants a divorce
A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge, I just can't take it anymore. Every night she's out until way after midnight, just going from bar to bar.
Judge asks, what's she doing?
The guy answers, Looking for me.
A man and a woman meet in heaven and fall in love.
They walk up to God and ask to be married.
God says give me some time and I'll get back to you.
Three or four years pass and God finally tells the man and woman that he can have them married.
A few more years pass and the man and woman fall out of love. They approach God once more and this time they ask for a divorce.
God responds, "It took me four years to find a priest in this place. How long do you think it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"
Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie.
100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.
My wife told me she wanted a divorce for Valentine's Day
I told her I hadn't planned on spending that much.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage.
She said she hated the constant Star Wars puns.
I looked at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one."
Santa and his wife had a messy divorce after they both got colostomies.
After encouragement from friends and family, they both joined the support group for people with colostomies ironically named The Semicolon. Due to the help and support they got, they ended up remarrying.
Two independent Clauses were able to be joined as a result of The Semicolon.
A man is in court to get a divorce
He tells the judge "I just can't take it anymore, every night she's out past midnight jumping from bar to bar."
The judge asks, "What's she doing at all those bars?"
The man replies, "She's looking for me."
I divorced my wife because she was too loud in bed.
I could hear her from two houses down the street.
Marriage is grand.
But divorce is 100 grand.
What does a divorce and a tornado in Tennessee have in common?
They both mean someone's fixin ta lose a trailer
My wife said she's leaving me because I keep making coffee without the filter. The judge agreed
Apparently it's grounds for a divorce
Me: "I want to divorce my wife." Lawyer: "On what grounds?" Me: "She's out all night, every night, going from bar to bar." Lawyer:"Is she an alcoholic or do you think she might be cheating?"
Me: "No, she's looking for me."
