Diving Jokes

Following is our collection of dived humor and underwater one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Diving puns for adults, dirty neymar jokes or clean watersports gags for kids.

There is an abundance of dive jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 51 funniest jokes on diving. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any footballers witze you can hear about diving.

The Best jokes about Diving

"Sir, you'll need to leave, you can't pee in the pool."

"But everyone pees in the pool!"

"Yes, but not from the diving board."

DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT

Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

If at first you don't suceed...

sky diving isn't for you.

All my CDs are in my ex's car. I'd get them, but I don't want to face her.

Plus I don't have the equipment for diving to the bottom of the river.

I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it

The lifeguard started yelling, telling me to stop.

"But all the little kids do it too!" I yelled back.

"But not while standing on the diving board!"


The Titanic was recently visited by a diving crew with a robot submarine. What they found out was completely amazing.

Even after 100 years of being sunk, all the pools are still full.

Some lifeguard kicked me out of the pool for peeing in it. I told him everyone does it.

He told me not off the diving board

I've been watching you urinate in the pool..

Lifeguard: I've been watching you, Mr. Jones, and you'll have to stop urinating in the pool.
Mr. Jones: But everybody urinates in the pool.
Lifeguard: From the diving board?

I hate scuba diving

It was the lowest moment of my life.

One time, I was out scuba diving when I suddenly heard beautiful voices singing in unison.

I was very surprised until I looked beneath me and realized it was coming from a choral reef.

Deep down...

...I knew scuba diving wasn't for me.


I recently quit my job as a scuba diving instructor

I couldn't handle the pressure.

I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...

One day I lobster and never flounder again.

the newlyweds go to the hotel swimming pool...

The guy goes to the diving board and performs a 2 1/2 sommersaults with 2 twists backwards.

-"Whoa, that was impressive," says the wife when the man comes back.

-"I was a double medallist in London olympics, dear".

So the woman dives in and does 90 lenghts of the pool in 2 1/2 minutes.

-"Baby, that WAS impressive", says the husband.

-"I was a prostitute in Venice, dear"

A lifeguard blows his whistle at a little boy and asks him to come over...

He says to the boy, "Hey, you're not allowed to pee in the pool."

"That's not fair!" says the boy, "There must be dozens of people peeing in the pool every day! Why do you gotta pick on me?"

The lifeguard says, "Well most people don't do it off the diving board."

Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?

He won't inhale.

My friend keeps obnoxiously bragging that he broke my record for deep sea diving.

That's a new low.

How do you know a swimming pool is safe for diving

It deep ends.

What did the professional diving roach say to his captain right before being lost to the sea?

Suffocation, no breathing, this is my last report.


Two homeless men are dumpster diving for food outside of a synagogue...

One of the men pops his head out and says to the other, Man, these onion rings are really chewy!

You know what they say?

If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving is not for you.

An Expensive Scuba Diving Store in My Town Just Opened

It went under

Howard and Dale walk into a bar

They sit down at the bar and see people scuba diving on the tv.

"So here's a question" says Howard "How come scuba divers sit on the side of the boat with their oxygen tanks facing outward, and fall backwards off the boat?"

Dale thought for a minute and then said "Thats easy, if they fell forward they'd still be in the frigging boat!"

Little Jimmy at the Pool

Jennifer the lifeguard tells Jimmy to stop peeing in the pool. Little 6 year old Jimmy replies that everbody pees in the pool. Jennifer says that yes people do, but not from the diving board...

"The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive."

I think they've hired Naymar.

What is the hardest part about sky diving?

The ground.

I climbed the stairs and saw a man standing on the edge about to jump.

"Don't do it!" I screamed. "Your life is worth more than that!"



Anyway, then he jumped, and I was escorted down from the diving board.

Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...

Must be something in the water.

One day John decided to go swimming.

He's at the pool, enjoying himself, when the lifeguard approaches and says "John, it's time for you to leave the swimming pool".

John: "Why, I just got here a little while ago, I'm enjoying myself, why do I have to leave?".

Lifeguard: "Because you're peeing in the swimming pool".

John: "So what! Everybody pees in the swimming pool!"

Lifeguard: "BUT FROM THE HIGH DIVING BOARD!?"

What do you call a Volleyball player who hurt her knee diving for the ball?

Courtney

So little jimmy was peeing in the pool.

And the lifeguard yells at him, hey little jimmy, your not allowed to pee in the pool.

And little jimmy says to the lifeguard, but, but all the little kids pee in the pool.

And the lifeguard replies, Yeah, but not from the diving board...

The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

My wife died in a sky diving accident.

Does anybody want a parachute, used once , never opened. ?

It is taking much longer to rescue the boys trapped in the Thai cave.

All the diving experts are participating in the World Cup in Russia.

If you don't get it right the first time...

...skip sky diving.

Why do divers fall backwards out of the boat whilst diving?

Because if they fell forward they would land in the boat.

Why wouldn't the skeleton go diving?

He didn't have the guts for it.

What's that diving? Is it a bird, Is it a plane...

No it's the British Pound...

Have you ever tried sky diving without a parachute?

It's a once in a lifetime experience

My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving!

This is a new low...

Pee in the pool and nobody bats an eye

Do it from the diving board and everyone loses their minds

Neymar is going to participate in the 2020 Olympics

He's Brazil's next star in the Diving competition.

Hear about the guy to started a diving school?

It went under

The boys trapped in a cave in Thailand need to become diving experts to escape

Sounds like a job for Neymar

What's Neymar's favorite hobby?

Recreational diving.

At the swimming pool

A lifeguard reprimand a kid:
- Boy! Stop peeing in the pool!
- But everyone does!
- I know, but not from the diving board!

What do you call a diving dog?

A sub woofer.

I wanted to be a sky diving instructor...

But it's not the kind of job you just fall in to.

What does Mr. T say after tossing two 20's and a 10 off the diving board?

I fitty da pool. Peckahs

Why the USA get silver in synchronized diving?

Because Steele Johnson always comes second.

If a Brazilian soccer team was stuck in a cave they would be out by now...

Because they are good at diving

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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