Diving Jokes

116 diving jokes and hilarious diving puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about diving that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Do you need a laugh? Check out these hilarious diving jokes! From Olympic diving to high diving to dumpster diving and even football diving, there's something for everyone. We'll even throw in a few scuba diving jokes, some swimmer jokes, and even a few rude jokes about diving just for fun.

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Funniest Diving Short Jokes

Short diving jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The diving humour may include short dive jokes also.

  1. Everyone pees in the pool... But you do it once from the high dive and you're some sort of monster.
  2. "Sir, you'll need to leave, you can't pee in the pool." "But everyone pees in the pool!"
    "Yes, but not from the diving board."
  3. All my CDs are in my ex's car. I'd get them, but I don't want to face her. Plus I don't have the equipment for diving to the bottom of the river.
  4. I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it The lifeguard started yelling, telling me to stop.
    "But all the little kids do it too!" I yelled back.
    "But not while standing on the diving board!"
  5. The Titanic was recently visited by a diving crew with a robot submarine. What they found out was completely amazing. Even after 100 years of being sunk, all the pools are still full.
  6. Some lifeguard kicked me out of the pool for peeing in it. I told him everyone does it. He told me not off the diving board
  7. One time, I was out scuba diving when I suddenly heard beautiful voices singing in unison. I was very surprised until I looked beneath me and realized it was coming from a choral reef.
  8. You would think with an entire soccer team stuck in a cave.... One of them would have known how to dive
  9. I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day at work. Deep down.., I realized it wasn't for me.
  10. What did the professional diving roach say to his captain right before being lost to the sea? Suffocation, no breathing, this is my last report.

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Diving One Liners

Which diving one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with diving? I can suggest the ones about scuba divers and scuba.

  1. If at first you don't suceed... sky diving isn't for you.
  2. What did Mr. T say after throwing five $10 bills off the diving board? I fitty da pool!
  3. I hate scuba diving It was the lowest moment of my life.
  4. Deep down... ...I knew scuba diving wasn't for me.
  5. I recently quit my job as a scuba diving instructor I couldn't handle the pressure.
  6. Every bar in Houston right now.. a dive bar.
  7. Where do mermaids go to watch movies? The dive in.
  8. I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving... One day I lobster and never flounder again.
  9. Did you hear about the guy who vomited while sky diving? It's all over town.
  10. Why can't bill clinton go scuba diving? He won't inhale.
  11. Guy walks into a bar... Find out more on the next episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.
  12. How do you know a swimming pool is safe for diving It deep ends.
  13. An Expensive Scuba Diving Store in My Town Just Opened It went under
  14. You know what they say? If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving is not for you.
  15. My friends tried to take me to an underwater tavern but I declined. I hate dive bars.

Diving Board Jokes

Here is a list of funny diving board jokes and even better diving board puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why am I being banned from the pool?! Because you're peeing in it.
    But everyone pees in the pool!
    Yes, but not from the diving board.
  • Pee in the pool and nobody bats an eye Do it from the diving board and everyone loses their minds
  • At the swimming pool A lifeguard reprimand a kid:
    - Boy! Stop peeing in the pool!
    - But everyone does!
    - I know, but not from the diving board!
  • What does Mr. T say after tossing two 20's and a 10 off the diving board? I fitty da pool. Peckahs
  • Jacob was at his neighbourhood community swimming pool. Lifeguard: Jacob! Stop Peeing in the pool!
    Jacob: But everyone does it!?
    Lifeguard: Yes, but not when on the DIVING BOARD.
  • Olympics synchronized-diving hopeful from a country so poor he had to practice in a pool with one diving board . . . And a mirror.
  • Me and the wife are getting swimming costumes I'm going as a diving board
  • How did the hipster break his neck? He jump off the diving board before it was pool.
  • "Madam, Please ask your son to stop peeing in the pool!" "Oh, But everyone pees in the pool! Are you saying you haven't?"

    ***'Not from the Diving board!!!"***

Scuba Diving Jokes

Here is a list of funny scuba diving jokes and even better scuba diving puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did your hear about the alcoholic scuba diver? He was convicted of diving under the influence.
  • Why do scuba divers dive out of the boat backwards? 'cause if they dive forward they fall in the boat
  • My wife wants to go scuba diving while I prefer sky diving... We cant find any common ground
  • Why do perfectionists not go scuba diving? Because they don't like going under the C
  • What do you call an actor that scuba dives? Johnny Depth
  • The reason why Scuba-divers dive backwards is because they'll just hit their heads in their boats if they dive forward.
  • I went SCUBA-diving and my equipment malfunctioned. I was so mad... ... it literally made my blood boil.
  • Chris Rea just got his scuba certification Diving home for christmas
  • I used to have a scuba diving business But it went under.
  • What do you get when you go scuba diving with your iPhone 6 The bends.
Diving joke, What do you get when you go scuba diving with your iPhone 6

High Diving Jokes

Here is a list of funny high diving jokes and even better high diving puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I got caught peeing in the pool, want to know how? I was on the high dive.

Football Diving Jokes

Here is a list of funny football diving jokes and even better football diving puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • It's kinda ironic that 12 kid football team got trapped by water Judging by the World Cup, I thought every team knew how to dive
  • Brazil have sent star player Neymar to Thailand to help rescue the young footballers in the cave ...they heard they needed someone to teach them how to dive
  • Neymar is meeting up with the Thailand football team who were trapped in a cave... He's going to teach them how to dive
  • How do you know the thai football team are fair football players? Because they don't know how to dive.
  • This just in: Argentina's football team to represent their country as the diving team in 2020 Olympic Games
  • If I ever became a footballer I'll never ever take a dive. Said no one ever

Olympic Diving Jokes

Here is a list of funny olympic diving jokes and even better olympic diving puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Neymar is going to participate in the 2020 Olympics He's Brazil's next star in the Diving competition.
  • Why is FIFA never on the same year as the summer olympics? Because all the players are on the diving team.
  • What did the cat score at the Olympic Diving Event? A Purrrrrrrfect 10
  • It doesn't matter if you come third in the water olympics... All dives matter.
Diving joke, It doesn't matter if you come third in the water olympics...

Happy Diving Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends

What funny jokes about diving you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean swimming jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make diving pranks.

the newlyweds go to the hotel swimming pool...

The guy goes to the diving board and performs a 2 1/2 sommersaults with 2 twists backwards.
-"Whoa, that was impressive," says the wife when the man comes back.
-"I was a double medallist in London olympics, dear".
So the woman dives in and does 90 lenghts of the pool in 2 1/2 minutes.
-"Baby, that WAS impressive", says the husband.
-"I was a p**... in Venice, dear"

Little Jimmy at the Pool

Jennifer the lifeguard tells Jimmy to stop peeing in the pool. Little 6 year old Jimmy replies that everbody pees in the pool. Jennifer says that yes people do, but not from the diving board...

A lifeguard blows his whistle at a little boy and asks him to come over...

He says to the boy, "Hey, you're not allowed to pee in the pool."
"That's not fair!" says the boy, "There must be dozens of people peeing in the pool every day! Why do you gotta pick on me?"
The lifeguard says, "Well most people don't do it off the diving board."

Why wouldn't the skeleton go diving?

He didn't have the guts for it.

So little jimmy was peeing in the pool.

And the lifeguard yells at him, hey little jimmy, your not allowed to pee in the pool.
And little jimmy says to the lifeguard, but, but all the little kids pee in the pool.
And the lifeguard replies, Yeah, but not from the diving board...

I wanted to be a sky diving instructor...

But it's not the kind of job you just fall in to.

There's a cool sport called Volcano Diving.....

You'll only do it once.

My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving!

This is a new low...

Howard and Dale walk into a bar

They sit down at the bar and see people scuba diving on the tv.
"So here's a question" says Howard "How come scuba divers sit on the side of the boat with their oxygen tanks facing outward, and fall backwards off the boat?"
Dale thought for a minute and then said "Thats easy, if they fell forward they'd still be in the frigging boat!"

What's that diving? Is it a bird, Is it a plane...

No it's the British Pound...

Have you ever tried sky diving without a parachute?

It's a once in a lifetime experience

Why the USA get silver in synchronized diving?

Because Steele Johnson always comes second.

I've been watching you urinate in the pool..

Lifeguard: I've been watching you, Mr. Jones, and you'll have to stop urinating in the pool.
Mr. Jones: But everybody urinates in the pool.
Lifeguard: From the diving board?

What do you call a diving dog?

A sub woofer.

My wife died in a sky diving accident.

Does anybody want a parachute, used once , never opened. ?

If you don't get it right the first time...

...skip sky diving.

Why do divers fall backwards out of the boat whilst diving?

Because if they fell forward they would land in the boat.


Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you m**...!"

What is the hardest part about sky diving?

The ground.

What do you call a Volleyball player who hurt her knee diving for the ball?


One day John decided to go swimming.

He's at the pool, enjoying himself, when the lifeguard approaches and says "John, it's time for you to leave the swimming pool".
John: "Why, I just got here a little while ago, I'm enjoying myself, why do I have to leave?".
Lifeguard: "Because you're peeing in the swimming pool".
John: "So what! Everybody pees in the swimming pool!"

Hear about the guy to started a diving school?

It went under

The boys trapped in a cave in Thailand need to become diving experts to escape

Sounds like a job for Neymar

"The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive."

I think they've hired Naymar.

What's Neymar's favorite hobby?

Recreational diving.

It is taking much longer to rescue the boys trapped in the Thai cave.

All the diving experts are participating in the World Cup in Russia.

If a Brazilian soccer team was stuck in a cave they would be out by now...

Because they are good at diving

Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...

Must be something in the water.

Two homeless men are dumpster diving for food outside of a synagogue...

One of the men pops his head out and says to the other, Man, these onion rings are really chewy!

The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

I went diving with a bunch of laundry.

It was wrapped in a waterproof bag. I went in to gaze at the beautiful sealife. When I went back to the surface I noticed some of my clothes were missing.
Let's see I had 8 shirts, 2 socks, and 9 pants prior to diving and now I have 8 shirts, 2 socks, and 3 pants.
My friend asked me
Did you see SpongeBob SquarePants?

My friend keeps obnoxiously bragging that he broke my record for deep sea diving.

That's a new low.

I climbed the stairs and saw a man standing on the edge about to jump.

"Don't do it!" I screamed. "Your life is worth more than that!"

Anyway, then he jumped, and I was escorted down from the diving board.

Have you heard of the blind girl that went sky diving?

She had a great time but her dog didn't

One of the Saddest Stories I've Ever Heard

The HighSchool Girls National diving team's plane crashed into the ocean, and they washed up on a deserted island.
Physically, the few survivors were unharmed, but as the days past, their minds began to crack as they realized that they had not the tools, knowledge, or materials to build a working diving board and bring some normalcy back into their lives!

But alas… The poor b**... were forced to resort to cannonballism.

So this guard was escorting me out of the pool the other day…

I asked him why.
Because you p**... in the pool!
He shouted.
So what? everyone does!
I exclaimed.
To which he replied:
Well… yeah… but not from the diving board!

I was desperate for a p**... at the pool....

I was at the swimming pool last week, and you know when you're absolutely bursting for a p**... but the toilets are way over there?
I thought: "weeelllll..... everyone else does it..."
So I decided just to let one slip out in the pool.
The lifeguard must have spotted me though. He shouted at me so loud I nearly fell off the diving board.

My son asked me, "Is this pool safe for diving?" I chuckled and replied...

"It deep ends!"

Did you hear that Adelle started a campaign to raise awareness for sea life by reading Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone while scuba diving 60 ft under the water.

They called it "Rowling in the Deep"


One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he was not wearing a scuba gear.
The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes later.
The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the h**... are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'M DROWNING s**...".

My wife keeps blaming me for making inanimate objects mad

My wife keeps blaming me for making inanimate objects mad.
"Quit p**... off the roof. Quit p**... off the balcony. Quit p**... off the diving board."

I got banned from the local swimming pool today

They banned me for "peeing in the pool".
I tried defending myself by saying *everybody* pees in the pool, but according to them no one does it from the diving board

It's total b**... that you need a parachute to go sky diving.

You need a parachute if you plan to sky dive twice.

Diving joke, Did your hear about the alcoholic scuba diver?

jokes about diving