diving Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious diving puns

"Sir, you'll need to leave, you can't pee in the pool."

"But everyone pees in the pool!"

"Yes, but not from the diving board."



Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you moron!"


If at first you don't suceed...

sky diving isn't for you.


All my CDs are in my ex's car. I'd get them, but I don't want to face her.

Plus I don't have the equipment for diving to the bottom of the river.


My wife is going sky diving and I'm truly terrified

The last time something that large hit the ground the fucking dinosaurs died!


I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it

The lifeguard started yelling, telling me to stop.

"But all the little kids do it too!" I yelled back.

"But not while standing on the diving board!"


Don't you love it when you curl out a massive shit and it touches the water before it breaks off?

Well I had one of those this morning.

And now I'm banned from the diving boards.


The Titanic was recently visited by a diving crew with a robot submarine. What they found out was completely amazing.

Even after 100 years of being sunk, all the pools are still full.


Some lifeguard kicked me out of the pool for peeing in it. I told him everyone does it.

He told me not off the diving board


I've been watching you urinate in the pool..

Lifeguard: I've been watching you, Mr. Jones, and you'll have to stop urinating in the pool.
Mr. Jones: But everybody urinates in the pool.
Lifeguard: From the diving board?


I hate scuba diving

It was the lowest moment of my life.


You don't need a parachute to go sky diving

You need a parachute to go sky diving twice


One time, I was out scuba diving when I suddenly heard beautiful voices singing in unison.

I was very surprised until I looked beneath me and realized it was coming from a choral reef.


Deep down...

...I knew scuba diving wasn't for me.


Three men in the desert find a genie...

Three guys get trapped in a cave beneath the desert. They find a lamp with a genie. The genie offers each of them a chance to dive into a pool of their favorite drink.

One guy runs from a diving platform and yells "beer" and lands in a pool of beer. Another guy runs and yells "Sunny D" and lands in a pool of Sunny Delight. The third guy runs, slips and yells "shit".


I recently quit my job as a scuba diving instructor

I couldn't handle the pressure.


I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...

One day I lobster and never flounder again.


the newlyweds go to the hotel swimming pool...

The guy goes to the diving board and performs a 2 1/2 sommersaults with 2 twists backwards.

-"Whoa, that was impressive," says the wife when the man comes back.

-"I was a double medallist in London olympics, dear".

So the woman dives in and does 90 lenghts of the pool in 2 1/2 minutes.

-"Baby, that WAS impressive", says the husband.

-"I was a prostitute in Venice, dear"


A lifeguard blows his whistle at a little boy and asks him to come over...

He says to the boy, "Hey, you're not allowed to pee in the pool."

"That's not fair!" says the boy, "There must be dozens of people peeing in the pool every day! Why do you gotta pick on me?"

The lifeguard says, "Well most people don't do it off the diving board."


Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?

He won't inhale.


A man's wife goes scuba diving and doesn't return...

The police show up the next day and inform the man, "Sir, we have bad news, good news, and even better news."

The husband says "Okay, well give me the bad news first."

"Well sir, we are sorry to say that your wife has drowned. She is dead, I'm terribly sorry."

"Oh no... wait, what's the good news?"

"Well sir, we pulled her body out of the water and there were three lobsters attached to the body!"


Cop says,

"We are going to pull her up again tomorrow!!"


Why isn't diving an event in the Special Olympics?

It's a pain in the ass to retrieve the wheelchairs.


What did the professional diving roach say to his captain right before being lost to the sea?

Suffocation, no breathing, this is my last report.


You know what they say?

If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving is not for you.


An Expensive Scuba Diving Store in My Town Just Opened

It went under


Little Jimmy at the Pool

Jennifer the lifeguard tells Jimmy to stop peeing in the pool. Little 6 year old Jimmy replies that everbody pees in the pool. Jennifer says that yes people do, but not from the diving board...


Man goes to Dr and asks him, doc "what do I have to do to live to be 100?"

Doc asks? Do you drink or do drugs? No, do you fornicate a lot? No, do you eat a lot
of red meat? No, do you do any sky diving or bungee jumping? No. THEN WHY THE FUCK YOU WANT TO LIVE TO BE 100?!??


Howard and Dale walk into a bar

They sit down at the bar and see people scuba diving on the tv.

"So here's a question" says Howard "How come scuba divers sit on the side of the boat with their oxygen tanks facing outward, and fall backwards off the boat?"

Dale thought for a minute and then said "Thats easy, if they fell forward they'd still be in the frigging boat!"


"The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive."

I think they've hired Naymar.


What is the hardest part about sky diving?

The ground.


What do you call a Volleyball player who hurt her knee diving for the ball?



So little jimmy was peeing in the pool.

And the lifeguard yells at him, hey little jimmy, your not allowed to pee in the pool.

And little jimmy says to the lifeguard, but, but all the little kids pee in the pool.

And the lifeguard replies, Yeah, but not from the diving board...


It is taking much longer to rescue the boys trapped in the Thai cave.

All the diving experts are participating in the World Cup in Russia.


My wife died in a sky diving accident.

Does anybody want a parachute, used once , never opened. ?


One day John decided to go swimming.

He's at the pool, enjoying himself, when the lifeguard approaches and says "John, it's time for you to leave the swimming pool".

John: "Why, I just got here a little while ago, I'm enjoying myself, why do I have to leave?".

Lifeguard: "Because you're peeing in the swimming pool".

John: "So what! Everybody pees in the swimming pool!"



What are the most funny Diving jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Diving? Well, here are the best Diving dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Diving pick up lines to share with friends.

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